immortal--sins

[immortal--sins]

E.M. Cioran, A Short History of Decay

[immortal--sins]

2022 update: moved to @lostsoul.lostbeauty on IG

[immortal--sins]

i like to stay up at night because the world feels like it stops for a few hours and you don’t have any responsibilities

[immortal--sins]

Leo: February, 2016

     He doesn’t like to be challenged with doubt. He stands beside the three-story windowsill gazing upon the rainy beach town, one that holds years of magic and tragedy. He wears a dark blue jean jacket, his favourite color, while watching the blue-grey sky subtly change as the say falls into night. His calm, dark eyes see nothing but vibrant color–full of energy, full of dominance. Would rather be outside than decaying indoors. Wants to be the one and only, he rolls his shoulders back with pride as he conquers anything his eyes rest upon. Graceful dominance. Wouldn’t fall apart for someone else’s love. He decides when and where. He grips my hips hard and makes me his. He likes to be on top, and I don’t argue. He stretches his arms and arches his back like he is the new Christ. His movements are those of a fierce lion, and in moments of weakness he is a tamed feline. But he doesn’t like that. “Fear me,” he roars, like spitting fire. (Oh I do, don’t you know?) When he’s close, he’s close, and when he is far, he is oh so far. He talks about the future like it’s a guarantee, but he always breaks eye contact with me first. He sweats atop me and leads my hand to the left side of his chest where his heart beats fast. He finds a home between my thighs and gives me a high drugs don’t anymore. I tell him I love the way he says “beautiful”, his accent peaking through and passion tingling on his lips. He lights a joint and blows out slowly, making the smoke dance in intricate patterns around his dim lit room. He says the weed makes him focus. He gets work done at his desk while I lie on his bed in tight clothes, oh we tease, we tease, we tease. He likes to be shirtless most of the time we’re together. He likes when I adore his chest (and claw his back with my long fingernails). He wears the fossil necklace I made him every time I see him. Sometimes it reflects the twinkle lights in his bedroom when it drags along my body as he kisses me from the bottom up, so delicate. Such fragile moments with such a luminous beast. His chocolate eyelashes flutter slightly when he looks at me. He loves to hold me at night and sleep with his face close to mine so I feel close to him. Though he takes a liking to kissing me in front of my friends, he’s quick to tell me goodbye. Always on the go, always aspiring for something. It’s inspiring, but makes him much better than me. I sit in the corner and write about him while he smiles pridefully that he is the subject of my interest. I have to remind myself I don’t really know him most of the time. Although I am convinced he knows me too well already. I crave and he remains in control. But for once I don’t want to demand I be the center of his life. I just want to feel him near me.

[immortal--sins]

I spent my time with you blacking out from whatever you gave me because I really didn’t care if I woke up. It’s weird, at the time I knew it wouldn’t last just like everything else. I knew feelings were misleading and that one day we would combust- I guess I just never thought it would go down the way it did. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made & for breaking your heart. I’m sorry for the way I hated myself and lived too recklessly. I’m sorry for not saying no to you. I wished we would have ended peacefully; I really saw a pure spirit somewhere deep down in you. But even you said you scare yourself sometimes. I couldn’t live in fear anymore.

[immortal--sins]

Stone

Over the years, if you pay close attention, you can see that my handwriting has changed. What as once neat, elegant, and planned-out became shaky, uneven, and unpredictable as time took its toll on me. It's ironic; most people feel they progress at their skills and careers as their life goes on. But I feel like I'm living life backwards, deteriorating as I "mature". My purpose keeps spilling out of me the older I get, leaving me emptier and emptier by the day. The climactic moments of my lie seem to have already passed, and I am hopelessly living just for the sake of existence. All the things I once loved have been ripped from my chest and have turned to stone. And the longer I wait, the less possible it is for me to bring them. Back to life and pull them back close to me. . I know most would consider me a pessimist for holding such cryptic views, but this is simply my reality. I've learned to expect little and hope with restriction, for expectations and false hope can be deadly.

[immortal--sins]

What are you supposed to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you supposed to give it to someone else?

Maggie O'Farrell,  After You’d Gone. (via wordsnquotes)

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[immortal--sins]

Hotel Erika I swear to the God I'm not even sure I believe in that the moments I spent with you singing along to our favourite songs at the top of our lungs were pure euphoria. It was the first time since her that I can recall being blissful, yet sober. I didn't care about the way the sunlight glistened on your golden highlighted hair, or the way your eyeshadow glimmered like rosé champagne, or the way your voice faltered as you sang along with me & the stereo. All I could care about in those moments was your soul- your energy, your excitement, and the way it connected to mine in waves of pure ecstasy. But the rush of you ends quickly. Whether it's you falling asleep early from the xans, him making sure he's the only one on your mind, or simply the fact that you're his. You're always a boomerang cloud. An empty liquor bottle. An occupied hotel room. With a ripped up "do not disturb sign" shattered across the floor.

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time is frozen & I’m wondering what you’re doing, if you’re listening to mansionz, since posner was your latest obsession when we last spoke and it’s weird to think you used to be my world- yet I haven’t heard your voice in months. we both have new hairdos, new interests, new body counts & new bad habits but I’m sure underneath it all we’re the same bare souls we always were, vulnerable & trembling weak no matter how much we deny it

all these unanswered questions; you thought if you ignored them, the tragedies of the past would suddenly disappear but I’m left picking up the pieces dealing with our consequences you’ll never know

[immortal--sins]

Through my recent journeys, there’s one thing I’m sure I have learned: life is a vicious game. We are all selfish players thrown into a whirlwind of uncontrollable events, chemical substances, and stimuli. The only thing keeping us alive is a balance between effective and ineffective coping means and headstrong willpower. Portals and dimensions exist in the realities of grungy underground city clubs at 2AM and in the mind-altering things we consume to escape what we have been exposed to. No player can be trusted aside from yourself, but you will find you have to put some level of faith in others whether you want to or not, just to survive. A perfect truth does not exist in this game. There’s inequality, there’s murder, there’s death of communication- but we are addicted to the thrill and we all play our personas. We lie, we cheat, we steal. We cry, we pour our souls out, we live with passion.

Game over.

[immortal--sins]

Hotel Sophia

Last night I fell in love with someone new Because she reminded me of you I gave her my rainbow hair bow I wore the first day I met you Because she cared for me in ways I imagined you would if you still loved me Cold & robbed of everything I own in the middle of San Francisco Pupils black from anxiety-ridden drugs She held my hand, gave me a bracelet Her beauty radiated from the high she was on Despite the pain and confusion She was my clarity for a moment But as I held her on the way home and smelled her hair, I couldn’t help but think of you But you’re gone now, no use in thinking about it now. I fell in love with someone else’s girl But I won’t ruin them because of my greed Last night with all the bright lights and pounding music I saw the whole world Saw happiness, saw pain I was scared, I was inspired, I was stunning, but I think I’ll always wish you were here by my side

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FTC

I said, "I love her" while looking into our new kitten's eyes & you said, "I love her, too." Transitory, just like your supposed love for me. Weeks later, you don't ask about her and you don't ask about me. Love was a word that only meant control to you. Every "I love you" repeats and echoes through my mind, and it makes me want to crawl out my skin because I know you must have never really meant it.

[immortal--sins]

Baby play your EDM music for me loudly on your car stereo, numb my mind- make it easier to forget the past, make it easier to love you

[immortal--sins]

Caraphernelia

I hope you kept all the necklaces I made you, all the letters I wrote you, the stuffed animals we slept with, the caraphernelia of my leftover hair ties and jewelry supplies. I hope that even though you got rid of me, you keep my memory around in your heart (though distant).

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So I heard you found somebody else & at first I thought it was a lie

The 1975

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I don't buy that you're getting any better

I won't be the gasoline to your fire. If you want to throw your flames at me, I'll throw mine right back at you. Thought it meant something when we let our guards down and let each other see all our scars from the past, but "a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore" echoes through my head like my teenaged disappointments, and the solice I took in music back then. I put up my soul for you, letting you touch it and if you think that because it has been touched before it is therefore tainted, then you are letting the worst part of you take over.