imoutodaughter

[imoutodaughter]

When you were a teenager and you wished to be treated like an adult, it's not because you were stupid or a "know it all". It's because for literally your entire life so far, you not being an adult was used as a justification to abuse you. When that happens, it's only natural to insist that you're an adult as soon as it seems even remotely possible.

[imoutodaughter]

pattern of isolation/social seperation

at home it was very rocky with mom being overwhelmed and dysregulated and dad overworking and being vry emotionally repressed and toxic and absent and sometimes just like straight up abusive??? lots of fighting parents.. and big episode nights where little things would snowball into dysregulated mess on all sides

I would lay awake at night and listen to my parents yelling and arguing about me and what to do with me through the walls.. my room was next to theirs

there were nights where it would get physical with my dad and I, one night I remember I was upset and trying to talk to him and he was in the kitchen so I blocked the exit and stood in the exit way from the kitchen and he got upset at that and picked me up and threw me on the kitchen floor hurting my leg,,,

at one point I was having a super bad tantrum fit cry session where I was bawling my eyes out in my room and begging to see my mom literally "I want mommm I want mommm I want mommy I want mom please momm" (who was in the master bedroom next to mine, and didn't want to see me because she was done with the whole thing and exhausted and I think maybe scared I'd hurt her..? my dad eventually came into my room and guidedme to/i think like told me i had to? get in his car and then he drove us out to an area near Mt Sima and the gravel quarry there and I was still crying and crying and super dysregulated and he then eventually kicked me out of his car and drove away fully off into the distance and I jus collapsed onto the ground sobbing and sobbing and sobbing until he came back about 25-30 minutes later? 40? not sure.. was a long time? but I was just so dysregulated/dissociated I think just crying and crying it was hard to tell.. he picked me up and I don't remember much after that I think I passed out at home.. I think I was maybe 12 or 13 idk?? I really don't know how old I was when this happened I just remember it happening vividly

I would play alone alot, I would play with Legos and lots of different toys and let my imagination run wild and run around outside and play pretend by myself, I would get really into video games and their stories and worlds and universes and world building..

sometimes I would have friends over! that was nice and I also liked going to visit friends but I would mess up behaving a lot of the time and accidentally ruin friendships :< I didn't know what I was doing at all

in school I would be separated a lot, taken to a small room away from the class a lot of the time, hidden away, it was literally a pipe maintenance closet with a piano in it at one point,,,

I got expelled from elementary school because I had a freak out and got rly rly angry and dysregulated at a teacher who was treating me rly unempathetically and kinda mean and I exploded on her and started throwing scissors at her an got expelled...

my parents took me to the hospital and the hospital decided to send me to an evaluation program in edmonton where I was kept for 3 weeks. as soon as we got in after the medevac flight they said my parents had to go and that I couldn't see them and it was basically operating as a child psych ward and I could only see them on weekends and call them sometimes... there was a classroom where we'd do normal class things and a cafeteria like big room and then a room with rows of medical beds and all the kids got one and that was where we stayed and slept.. sometimes we were taken away and put thru medical tests like cat scans or something? I know we did a brain scan thing.. one night I was woken up and led out of the room of kids and laid on a medical bed in a separate room with several waiting doctors and hooked up to a head node thing and then they told me to go back to sleep because they needed to do a sleep test... I hated it there a lot I wanted to go home i wanted mom and dad but I wasn't allowed to leave and I didn't have many belongings and I couldn't call them a lot.. I would freak out randomly and behave rly badly and sometimes would get put in a seclusion room.. I was in this ward for 3 weeks and I was 10 years old. It was a rly traumatic experience I think.. I was super super distressed the whole time

after getting home from all of that I switched schools and my parents got me a puppy because I was begging one saying it would help me because I wanted a friend to play with and bond and talk to and they got me a yellow lab puppy and we named her Jazz.. when she was still really young like um I forget how old not adult but not puppy... my dad and I were out walking along the copper haul road with her which is a small rarely used access road in the woods kinda a bit out of town. I was concerned that he had her off leash because what if something bad happened and he told me not to worry... after that as we were walking back to the car we heard a vehicle coming down the road.. my dad and I were on the left side of the road and jazz was on the right, as the vehicle was coming I guess he wanted to make sure she was safe and called her over but she hesitated and then came running at the exact perfect timing to cross the road in front of the truck and get hit right just feet in front of me... I screamed and panicked and ran up to her and cradled her in my arms and she was twitching weird and obviously not okay and I was screaming and crying holding her while she was dying and eventually my dad pulled me away and we took her to the vet immediately but they couldn't do anything she had already passed..

even at my better school I was kinda separated off with the ea in a other room a whole while, picked up drums and stuff and got really into music an bonded with it

it wasn't rly til the very very last year of elementary school and then the first few years of high school that I wasn't super isolated tbh and even in that period it was a lot of..... teen.. hormonal bs and rocky first relationships... and then there was the whole getting getting charged thing... which deleted all of that and cut me off from my peers basically completely,, an then I dropped out and welp

I was also like exploring my sexuality???? and gender??? identity?? cuz like I was just figuring all that out??

at the same time my sister was getting sick so mom an dad and sister were very occupied and overwhelmed and drained and emotionally absent, sometimes literally absent a lot.. tons of time home alone just not knowing what to do or staying with my grandparents so I kinda jus fell into internet and games

and then I stayed on internet and games and not knowing how to self regulate or knowing basically like any healthy development stuff with a bucket load of emotional scars until about 22 until I finally started to sortof become self aware a little and make sense of it all but that's still very much a journey.. I have so so so so so so so so much healing to do and learning and growing to do bleh but I just wanna exist and be a healthy person emotionally and physically for myself and others :< I want to love and be loved. I want to experience. I want to create. I want to heal

[imoutodaughter]

im so unaware in a way that's so so scary

[imoutodaughter]

please tell me what to do to put my life back together.. i have a blistering molten desire to put in the effort and try and get better but i don't know what im supposed to do with it and constantly feel anxious that what I do is the wrong thing and it's going to turn out badly. I feel blind and helpless to know when im doing things right or wrong, good or bad and find myself relying so heavily on outside guidance and praise and equally so relying on others to explain and tell me when im doing something wrong

[imoutodaughter]

i want to do so many things with my life but can't figure out how

[imoutodaughter]

i need help, i don't want the help to be unhealthy but i cant be braving everything on my own this much, i need someone to help me and guide me an instruct me

[imoutodaughter]

i need instructions,, im very poor at giving them to myself even when i know them

[imoutodaughter]

i wasn't taught as a child to healthily express or process emotions, or to self regulate. i was lost and forced to find my own way.

the torch in a cave analogy

it feels like other people have a fully illuminated cave with walls covered in all the different parts that are important to self regulate and function

my cave is dim and dark, I have only a small torch and it illuminates only small areas of the walls, I get pieces at a time, getting lost, looping around and rediscovering the same things, bumping into the rock and hurting myself.

[imoutodaughter]

the loneliness in the repeating days of isolation is unbearable, i want to be physically close to other people

[imoutodaughter]

i feed too hungrily because ive starved for too long

[imoutodaughter]

a network of supports to outsource the immense effort camille makes to fill the gap is necessary

[imoutodaughter]

I've gone down the path of self destruction after events that feel catastrophic many times before, but it got me nowhere but the depths of sorrow, and inflicted far more hurt than necessary to myself and the ones who care about me.

I will choose a different path

[imoutodaughter]

i flew too close to the sun

[imoutodaughter]

"you have to show them your feelings"

said my brain, but it could only do so in violence and physicality, where it felt words had failed it

[imoutodaughter]

chain of events to analyze

talking to Rome on the dses about asking for what we want and feeling yearning for our partners.

worried because wanted to have some intimate/private time to just curl up in the tent with either of my partners and listen to the loons

it was the last night so the last chance for that to happen

tugged at camille and tried to ask him if we could pretty please do that tonight because it was the last night and I rly wanted to cuddle him in the tent

night goes on more, Amy feels distant as well but want to give her space. she starts talking with Erik lots and they eventually end up cuddling on the beach.

start to feel sad/jealous? I was happy to see her happy and comfy but I wanted to cuddle somebody body to body like that on the trip too, up to that point I hadn't gotten to cuddle up to anyone

|||||| side thing

the sleeping arrangement wasn't really a problem per se but it's just that every night there wasn't really a cuddle or moment of intimacy before I had to go on my separate bed it was just kindof me straight to my separate bed and mom and dad cuddling next to me.. it just contributed to the rly deep want to cuddle as well and felt lil isolating/lonely

|||||||||

at some point camille pointed out how close Erik and Amy were getting and how they were cuddling and stuff, an that kinda brought a bit more attention internally to how i was feeling about wanting some intimacy and attention that night

after a while goes by I retreat to the tent to try and wait for camille to come and to give Amy space to do her thing and try not to let it make me feel jealous or envious, I knew I was starting to feel threatened/insecure in my relationship and felt like it would be better if I just removed myself

i started crying in the tent because I was feeling overlooked and really really really really craving intimacy and started to sortof spiral a bit into my head and feelings of being unwanted and other insecurities boiled up

then camille came into the tent really drunk and started dry humping me and being really silly... i know he was just trying to have fun and unwind and drink and stuff but I just felt very overlooked in that I was kindof in distress and trying to reach out to him about that and it felt invisible to him while he was intoxicated

then he said something about how he was okay with Amy and Erik getting close and I reacted really poorly and muttered "I'm not" and what I think I truly meant by that was "im not in a mental state to process that happening" but that didn't get across to camille.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ side

in retrospect I severely regret this part and sphere of things I said and how I acted, Erik was not a threat to me and Amy's relationship, It truly didn't matter to me that she was being close and intimate with him, what was really going on in my brain was that I was in a vulnerable mental state where I couldn't process things like that happening healthily or at all and it went straight to my nervous system

in my heart I love Amy so much and fully supported her freedom to explore intimacy with other people but in that moment because of other things going on in my head i was feeling particularly vulnerable and insecure in my relationships. If it was something she told me about or I learned about even the next day I would have reacted wildly different and I truly feel wildly different about it all than i expressed in my reaction and my words following.

[[[[[[[[[[

after leaving to puke and brush his teeth, camille came back and was too intoxicated to really engage much and jus sortof flopped into bed and at that point I felt like there was no way I was going to get to cuddle anyone on the last night, and the circumstances combined with how I was already feeling triggered me to enter a full on fight or flight state

at this point I was having violent urges to lash out at myself and others, I was having intrusive thoughts about hurting people in the camp and myself

I tried to express this to camille by telling him but it came out very aggressively and threatening and my whole body was in fight mode

my attempts to express the feelings and intrusive thoughts I was having came out just as aggressive threats, I said "I'll go kill both of them right now" "what if I go kill everyone in the whole camp right now"

at some point camille said 2 things,

"why are you always so aggressive with me but not with amy"

and "why don't you go be mad at mommy"

and i can't blame him for anything and my unhealthy reaction is not at all his responsibility or fault but

him saying those in that moment caused me to lose all control over my body and mind, there was so much adrenaline in my system all of a sudden and it's like the controller was taken out of my hands entirely and I ceased to exist while something else took over my body, pure fight or flight..

I don't know what about those words provoked and triggered me so badly but I know they did and instantly after that I shot up, said "ok, ill go kill her right now", unzipped the tent and everything felt like it happened in just a few moments, I walked over to amy and Erik, they looked up at me and asked what was up, I felt a tug inside to stop and my internal voice began screaming to stop and just sit down and stop my body but my body just kept going until I was up against them, I shoved them and tried to separate Erik away from her, I then grabbed her neck and started to choke her, after that she got away and stood up to get away from me and I noticed a pocket knife on the ground and reached for it, as I went to open it Erik reached and took my hand and took it gently out of my hand and thats when my body stopped, and I just collapsed on the ground and started shaking violently, there was so much adrenaline in my system it felt vile.

after that was a mess of words exchanged with amy in the tent where I said so many things I regret, I was still triggered and didn't speak true to my heart at all, I spoke only from a place of past trauma and hurt and began projecting and desperately trying to justify and explain but I failed to be conscious and grounded of the experience and of Amy as a person in that moment and her perspective and feelings. I should have just apologized and owned up immediately in the vein of what I've been able to process since reflecting on it and returning to grounded thinking.

in the morning after I deeply regret not turning around and hugging her when she was braiding my hair. I wish I hugged her close and said I'm so sorry mommy it's not your fault, I love you mommy I never want to hurt you ever and that was unacceptable and I need to step back and work through my own things to be a safe person for you, but I didn't say any of that. I just sat in shame and guilt and regret and quiet. It probably made her uneasy, she needed to know that I wasn't upset with her at all and that I was in a safe headspace to be around and I probably made her very uncomfortable and uneasy just moping sadly afterwards.

I need to learn from all of this, I need to find places where I could have done things different, and I need to really work on actively applying those measures into the future because

I can't afford to hurt anyone else I love

there is a path forward and I just want to take the right one

[imoutodaughter]

may 13th and 14th, 2024,

the consequences of my actions

my heart sinks deeper than ever before

I destroyed something so precious to me

something that filled my heart to no end

[imoutodaughter]

bweh

Sometimes it is your fault.. Sometimes you don’t listen well enough, you’re selfish, you’re rude and you aren’t always right. Sometimes you fucked it up and tbh that’s okay. It happens, learn from it, apologize and keep it moving. Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Don’t dwell on it