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I barely use this blog but I want to say that it's absolutely anti ped*philia, inc*st and abusive ships.

In other words, if you ship or supports anyone who ships Vi*laf, don't interact. Anyone who interacts with this blog will be blocked.

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"Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?"

-Jacques Snicket (disguised as a cow)

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"I'm just not a 'new experience' kind of woman. My comfort zone is basically that chair. And honestly? The arms are a little sharp."

-Josephine

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“All complaints can be directed to the Department of I Don’t Give a Crap”

— Sir

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“All the rest of that day I spent in afflicting myself at the dismal circumstances I was brought to.”

— Lemony Snicket

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"If you are feeling anxious, worried or maybe you just want a chat, please do not come crying to me."

-S. Theodora Markson

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We're not abducting him. We're kidnapping him.

-VFD members dragging kids by their ankles.

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Hey! Is anyone still here? I had forgotten about this blog. I want to bring it back, but I'm not sure yet. If you guys have any quotes, you can submit it!

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Beatrice: Kiss me like you miss me, Snicket.

Lemony: Well, come here!

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Did you hear that Count Olaf is ripped? That Count Olaf has an eight pack?

Count Olaf, in disguise

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ASOUE Characters As Bo Burnham Quotes

Violet Baudelaire: You might think your dick is a gift, I promise it's not.

Klaus Baudelaire: Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book

Sunny Baudelaire: Old peoples' skin sags//Because it's being pulled toward//The underworld

Mr. Poe: Ah, there he is//That motherfucker//What a tool

Count Olaf: When I was little, I killed ants with a magnifying glass. And now I'm big. And I worry I'm doing the same thing with you.

Hooky: See I think the issue is I've got my [step]father's temper and I'm emotionally inarticulate! So rather than being honest and vulnerable I've been a quick switch, because I'm hurting inside and trying to hide it so *suppressed sobbing* Eat a dick, bitch!

Bald Man: Do unto others//As you would have them do to//You said the rapist

The One Who Isn't A Dude Or A Chick: You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche

The White Faced Women: For fifteen cents a//Day you can feed an African//They eat pennies

Esme Squalor: My drug's attention//I am an addict//But I get paid to indulge in my habit

Carmelita Spats: I have trouble getting along with my [Countie]...like he believes that you should always fight fire with fire, which is a horrible way to live your life...'cause he was a firefighter.

Fiona Widdershins: I said no to drug once.

Isadora Quagmire: Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make

Duncan Quagmire: My father recently told me I act too gay... I said, "Really Dad?" *throws confetti flamboyantly* "Prove it!"

Quigley Quagmire: My [parents] used to say//Slow and steady wins the race//[They] died in a fire

Frank Denouement: *pointing to Ernest* This is [my brother]: Objective, logical, cold, analytical. Aware of patterns, aware of trends. He's efficient, and a prick.

Ernest Denouement: *pointing to Frank* This is [my brother]: Subjective, creative, sensory. Aware of feelings, aware of people. He's emotional, and an idiot.

Dewey Denouement: Hey yo baby, my life's about three things, three simple things: getting money, getting pussy, and the Dewey Decimal System!

Kit Snicket: I saw a rainbow//On the day my grandma died//Fuckin' lesbian

Jacques Snicket: You're incomparable. Like a...

Lemony Snicket: I almost forgot about you today...When the pain receded I stood in place and imagined you brushing your teeth

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The Erstaz Elevator

(in the elevator shaft)

Isadora: Baudelaires, if I were to ask you where we were, would I regret it? 

Violet: We’re safe. 

Isadora: Good. 

Klaus: But we’re also currently deep in the caverns of an abandoned elevator shaft held captive by a greedy and twisted man who wants our fortunes.

Duncan: Ah, this must be another usage of the word “safe” that I wasn’t previously aware of.

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Violet: [whispering] Quigley, please, no one knows we're dating!

Klaus: [Walking by] Yes, we do.

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Roses are red, violets are red, the whole garden is red. So is the library, and the kitchen, and the rest of the house. Beatrice, I think our house is on fire.

Bertrand Baudelaire.

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To Beatrice- Roses are red Violets are blue You are dead I wish I was too

Lemony Snicket

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Lemony: Ok, stay calm, stay calm...

Moxie: I am calm

Lemony: I was talking to myself