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every night I think “wow this might be the night I go to bed early” and every time without fail I fuck it up

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Ramon: Nepotism is for the weak!

Eddie: That's what our birthday cards always said

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Eddie: l'm going to fight the next person who insults Buck.

Buck: I hate myself.

Eddie: ...Alright, square up.

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Hen: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?

Eddie: Pi.

Hen: Pi?

Eddie: Low level, but never ending

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Eddie: If Buck and i were the last two guys on the planet and you had a gun to your head, which one of us would you go out with?

Tommy: Which one of you has the gun to my head?

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Ravi, jokingly: Fun game, play peek-a-boo with your child but never reappear!

Hen: My dad was really good at that game.

Eddie: Yeah, mine too.

Chimney: So was mine.

Ravi:

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Eddie: *gives Buck a key*

Buck, confused: Oh? Thank you- ls it the key to your heart?! *pokes him with it*

Eddie: Ouch, you stabbed me.

Buck, panicking: I'M SORRY I THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK!

Eddie: It's a key to my house.

Buck: Oh. Oh!

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Buck: Do you believe in ghosts?

Maddie: I believe you're a huge dork.

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Eddie: This isn't gonna work

Buck: You should have told me before!

Eddie: I did tell you before!

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Buck: I don't take kindly to insults

Chimney: Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now.

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Buck: You're cute when you get

angry.

Eddie: ..

Buck: But not when you get angry with me.

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Buck: I just discovered a neat trick! If you make brownies but don't cut them, you can eat the whole slab and say you only ate one brownie!

*10 minutes later*

Buck, collapsed on the floor, dying: Don't do this.

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Eddie: Pspspsps.

Chris, walking over to him: Are you trying to call a cat?

Eddie, frantically taking notes: Holy shit, it worked.

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Taylor: Tits or ass?

Buck: Personality.

Taylor: That's incredibly ableist of you! Some of us have personality disorders. Learn to appreciate a nice pair of tits.

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Bobby: Has anyone seen my son?! Oh god. Buck!! A mothers adrenaline is kicking in, BUCK!!

Bobby: Excuse me ma'am have you seen my son? He's about this tall, clearly bisexual, but we haven't had that talk yet.

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Maddie: Who am I supposed to invite to my wedding when I have like three friends and dislike most of my family?

Buck: Hear me out.

Buck: Dogs and cats in fancy clothes.

[incorrectbuddie]

Buck: *drunk* Tell me again.

Eddie: *sighs* You are the most beautiful broom in a broom closet full of brooms.