incorrectnewgirlconversations

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(the gang watching Elvis)

Jess: I played Elvis at your dad's funeral and I didn't even rehearse.

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Nick: Do you want a quickie?

Jess: Excuse me?

Nick: A quickie, one of these cake things.

Jess: It's pronounced quiche.

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Nick: You’re like an angel with no wings.

Jess: You mean a person.

Nick: No… you’re not getting it and my thing is different, so shut up.

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Principal Foster: Hello, Jess. How long have you been sleeping with Ryan?

Jess: [shocked] What??

Foster: How long have you been sleeping with Ryan?

Jess: [feigning ignorance] That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get- Why would-? I-I never had sex... with anyone, anywhere. It's none of your- You have the n-nerve, the audacity... I am Ryan’s boss, technically. And he is terrible - face-wise. And how - how - do I know that frankly you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off. Hmm! Check and mate.

Foster:

Jess: This is an outrage! Who do I call??!

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Nick: I gotta go now. Love you, Schmidt. (hangs up the phone)

Schmidt: (freaking out) OH MY GOD!!! Guys, Nick’s been kidnapped!!

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Nick: Good morning, Wife Jessica!

Jess: (sighs) It’s already been three weeks since our wedding.

Nick: You married me. You’re wife now.

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Nick: Wow, this tomato soup is really good!

Winston: It’s a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

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Nick: This is the best book i’ve ever read, and I’ve read 15 books.

Jess: 50 books is not a lot… wait you said 15?

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Nick: Babe, you look urethral!

Jess: What?

Nick: It means like really beautiful.

Schmidt: No, it means like a urethra.

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(morning after true american)

Ryan: Ok, who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh...right, I forgot; here in the states you call it 'a sausage' in the mouth.

Nick: We just call it a sausage.

Cece: (delirious) What the fuck is happening?

Jess: Mrs. Featherbottom!

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Jess: You don’t need perfect people to make a perfect team. You need people whose flaws feed into each other. It’s… uh… what do you call it?

Reagan: Codependence.

Jess: Synergy! For instance, there might be something Nick hates doing but Schmidt loves doing or there might be something that Schmidt hates doing but he does it anyway because what he really loves is to feel useful.

Reagan: You literally just defined codependence.

Jess: Here’s to synergy!

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Nick: I’ll just regress, because I feel I’ve made myself completely redundant.

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Schmidt: Am I a himbo, babe?

Cece: Well, you are dumb.

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Schmidt: How do you never get pimples on you face?

Nick: It’s because I’m old-school. Al naturale. I don’t believe in cleaning your face with chemica…

Jess: Your hands are like hooves. Evey time you touch your face, it’s like you’re exfoliating.

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Jess: Dad, c’mon back me up here.

Bob: Yes. She’s right and screw that guy. (pointing at Nick)

Nick: I’m on your daughter’s side.

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Nick: I swallowed some water today.

Jess: Ugh, why’d you have to say it like that?

Nick: Are you not supposed to do that? I’m trying to be healthy.

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(getting mugged)

Cece: You idiot! He’s a police officer.

Winston: No, I’m not.

Cece: What are you doing?

Winston: I’m not a cop.

Cece: What?!

Winston: Yeah, it was a prank.

Cece: WHAT?