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Freydis: I only lied because it was the easiest way to get what I wanted.

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Ubbe: Hvitserk? How do you feel?

Hvitserk: Well, let me check in.

Hvitserk: [Closes his eyes, takes a deep breath]

Hvitserk: Nope. Never mind. That was scary.

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Alfred: Surrender.

Ivar: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

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Katia: You’re avoiding your problems.

Ivar: What? No I’m not. Can we talk about this tomorrow?

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Aslaug: What kind of idiot do you think I am?

Lagertha: Is there a choice?

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Floki: When you get revenge on someone, always immediately hit them with a second revenge. Undercuts any counter-revenge or betrayal they have.

Ragnar: Why are you like this?

Ivar: *taking notes*

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Igor: I’ll be munching later.

Ivar: And crunching?

Igor: Let’s not be hasty.

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Bjorn: You played me like a fiddle!

Ivar: Oh no, brother. Fiddles are actually quite difficult to play. I played you like the cheap kazoo you are.

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Aethelwulf: Nobody hates me more than I hate myself.

Judith: You’re wrong there.

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Ubbe: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Hvitserk: Killed without hesitation.

Ubbe: No.

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Igor, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs.

Igor: ...

Igor: At what?

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Ragnar: I hope you have a good explanation for this.

Bjorn: We have three!

Ivar: Pick your favorite.

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Bjorn: Nothing bad ever happens to the Ragnarssons!

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Hvitserk: I got an ice pack from the freezer!

Ivar: Why do you have chocolate on your face?

Hvitserk: It was under a pie.

Ivar: So you ate your way to it?

Hvitserk: I made a judgement call. You weren’t there.

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Lagertha: You’re cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near delusion.

Rollo:

Rollo: She called me cute!

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Ivar: Hey, Ubbe?

Ubbe: Yes?

Ivar: Can a person breathe in a washing machine when it’s on?

Ubbe:

Ubbe: Where’s Hvitserk?

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Lagertha: I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song.

Lagertha: [Deep voice] No woman, no cry.