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Which is a shitty way to live, but here I am. I never really had the opportunity to know myself well. I had ideas if what my life would be after high school: college, a career in art somehow, maybe start a family someday? However, having an unstable, mentally ill mother put an end to all of that. My sense of duty as daughter (not even first born - I am middle) kept me caring for her, working to bring some money in to feed my younger siblings and more. I lived in fear constantly - always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” so to speak - not knowing where the days would take me; what stranger would she bring home to live in our house (we had several. She always brought in “strays” to take care of); when would the next outburst come…
I don’t feel like my life has ever been without chaos.
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I AM SO NOT OKAY.
I have been in such a dark place for a few years now and things are getting worse. It’s so hard to see a light at the end
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We all need a tiny Snorlax now and then…
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When does it stop? I honestly feel like I was born under an unlucky star or something. I can remember struggling through my life as far back as six years old: emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse, an attempt to take my own life, and subsequent bad relationships and bad choices. I can honestly say my kids are the only thing keeping me alive.
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I am hopeful I may have a happy ending but all signs lately have been pointing to no.
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Right before Easter 2024 I was laid off from my dream job. It was everything I had been working towards, everything I wanted and it was ripped away after one month. I had felt such relief landing this job (after several interviews); money wouldn’t be an issue (my alimony was gone at this time too) and I felt like I had a real career at 57 years old (which is tough after being a stay at home mom for years and years!). I’m having a hard time recovering from this and I don’t dare have dreams of my future anymore. I fear not being able to care for my family. I don’t like the things I’ve been telling myself either.
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When the rest of the world looks at the united states right now, we see a government who sends billions to support genocide but cannot help their own people starving on the streets.
We see a police force who won't go in to save children from school shootings, but deploy at a rapid rate to arrest peaceful protestors using their right to free speech to protest a genocide
America, you are a war mongering snake eating your own tail. You will protect and support war criminals in another country but let your own people starve and die
To the students bravely protesting now, we see your strength. We see what we saw when students protested the Vietnam War. We have faith you will prevail
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Go forth Eorlingas… 😢 Rest easy Bernard Hill
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My mother has dementia. My father is the only parent I have that I can still have a conversation with. We never talked much in my younger years - we talk more now. But when he knows I am having difficulties he retreats and gives an excuse of why he can’t talk with me. I never ask for anything but his attention. He walked out on us when I was 18 and I was stuck caring for my mom who had a breakdown. I guess he has never changed. He always looks out for himself and backs away when someone needs help.
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One of the hardest things I’ve done was closing the door on a nearly 25 year relationship (16 of those years married). He never fought for me, our kids, our family - I always wondered if I made a mistake. Until I saw how complacent he was, how he never bothered to do anything with our kids outside of his “entitled” visitation/co parenting, then I saw that he had gotten everything he really wanted - 6 figure job, the big house, sports car, etc. I realized I was the only one with the courage to step up and end the marriage.
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