inhaledeeznuts - Tumblr blog

inhaledeeznuts · 5 months

Text

If You're Gonna Break My Heart

summary: it's always hard to leave when there is still love there. Inspired by the Inhaler song.

warnings: Hurt no comfort and Angst.

word count: 1.2k

The sun peeks through the black curtain creating beautiful streaks of light that hit the hardwood floor. Though you have been awake for a while you can not bear to move. You just sit and stare at the room around you. Memories of a distant but happier time play through your mind. It’s funny how this room used to be a sanctuary where you could hide away from the troubles of the world. Now it just feels cold, and somehow foreign. Time can do so much to everything around us. It brings about change, which is kind of humorous; you can’t handle change. In doing so you would have to rip the bandage off, and lord knows that’s the last thing you want to do.

You feel the bed shift a bit, and your body tenses in anticipation. “Are you awake,” a deep yet hesitant voice breaks the silence. You feel like you are almost frozen in time. Head still clouded as you feel slightly faded from last night. The slight haze on your mind almost makes this moment surreal, but you could only wish that this wasn’t reality. “Yea”, was all you could muster up, releasing the pressure in your chest. You didn’t even notice you were holding your breath.

You feel so cold and alone. His warmth was only an inch away, but did little to ward the feeling. He is so close, yet unreachable. You wonder where did y’all go wrong. It would be a lie to say that you didn’t see this coming. Honestly you wish that you could’ve been more oblivious to this moment, or really all the signs leading up to now. From the way he used to look at you like everything he needed was right there within you, but as you turn around to face him all you see is a sea of melancholy and the care that he will always hold for you within those soft brown eyes. You feel the tears almost well up, but you hold fast. You don’t want to make this harder for the both of you.

“I don’t know what to say,” his words cut through the tense air. You almost laugh at his statement. What is there to say? You could feel the rift growing for months, yet it went ignored. Because when you love someone so much it can be hard to let go. It’s almost blinding. When you look at someone you love; it’s hard not to overlay the good times over the bad. Imbuing the moment with hope that it becomes reality. If you are being real with yourself, you both knew you were the one holding on the longest, and he let you. He was very patient, but a person can only cling to the past for so long. That cruel weight of carrying something that you both knew was dying is not easy. He did it anyway, because no matter what he would carry the world for you.

You take a breath to collect yourself. “You don’t need to, I already know,” you spoke softly in an attempt to steady your voice. It didn’t go unnoticed, as Ryan reached to pull you closer to him. As your body melts against his chest, you feel the dam break. It felt almost freeing to have the weight off your back, yet you can help the underlying feeling of guilt. Why couldn’t you stay strong? Why did he have to pull you from the comfortable haze over your mind? Sometimes it feels nice when you are not in the moment. Problems feel better when they feel at a distance.

“Why is this so hard?” you choke through your tears. Ryan just holds you tighter as you try to steady yourself again. Your body relaxes a bit out of habit.

Then you still for a moment as you feel moisture touch your skin. The cool feeling is like a reset to your senses. You lift your head from his chest, and you feel your heart murmur as you take Ryan in. This would be so much easier if he looked at you with disdain, or at least some ill will. You wanted so much for someone to be the bad guy, or just something to blame for this moment except life. Anything would be better than seeing him hurting as much as you. Leaving would be so much easier if you didn’t have to see his eyes brimming with heartbreak. It would be easier to let him go if you didn’t feel like you were leaving a part of yourself with him.

“Is it weird that I still love you?” you say in an almost whisper. A beat passes, and you feel like your body is buzzing. The anxiety slowly builds up in you. You start to wish that he didn’t hear you, or pretend that it was never said.

You feel Ryan shift a little closer, then his lips gently graze your forehead. The storm of doubt and worry that was clashing in your mind dissipates to a calm drizzle. “No, It’s not weird at all.” he lets out a small chuckle. “If anything it’s hard….I don’t know if I’ll ever stop…” his voice tapers into a whisper. It feels more like a subconscious thought than a statement.

This was all too much for you to handle. It needed to end. You need distance from everything regarding him. You've been holding on for dear life at the edge of the cliff, but now it’s time to let go of his hand. If you don't, who will? You need to be strong for this one last time for the both of you.

You take a long deep breath of him for the last time. Holding on to what you could before there was no turning back. The last hit before you go on a break for god knows how long. Then, you begin to push out of his grasp. You feel a bit of resistance before he ultimately gives way for you to move. A part of you wants to turn back and hold on a little longer, but that would only prolong the inevitable, yet the other just wants for the both of you to grow from this moment. A yearning for a time where you both can feel happy again with or without the other around.

In this moment that seems like a far off future as you close the door behind you. You grip the knob for a moment as you try to ground yourself. The dread is so overwhelming it’s almost like the earth's gravity doubled gluing you to this spot. How do you leave a place knowing that a part of you is going to be left behind? The scariest part is not knowing if that part of you will ever return, and if it does it will never be the same as when you left it. They say when you give something to someone that they are supposed to return it in the same or better condition, but that is so far from the truth when giving yourself.

On this diverging road before you ultimately you chose the one less traveled. You take a deep breath in an attempt to steal your raging emotions. Then you let go of the door knob, and finally take the first step to a new beginning.

Even though he handled your heart with care from the beginning to the bitter end, you wished he shattered it in a million pieces. Maybe then you would have the strength to piece it back together, and leave the pieces that screamed for him behind.

Author's Note:

Thank you guys for reading my first fic in a hot minute. I wanted to start up writing again after a long time of putting it down. This fandom isn't that saturated yet, so I thought this seems like a good place to start. I would appreciate some feedback, and thank you for giving this fic a shot!

#inhaler dublin #ryan mcmahon #ryan mcmahon x reader #inhaler #angst #hurt no comfort #reader insert #fanfic #inhaler x reader #eli hewson #elijah hewson #bobby skeetz #robert keating #josh jenkinson #gn reader #morning after #breakup

8 notes · View notes