injunjenn

[injunjenn]

life whirls

Hmmmm…. Something has come to my attention about the “choices” i have made with my life and how i am expecting everyone to support me. Don’t….. i never expected anyone to support me (if you do thank you…. Part of me is happy and part of me thinks oh i don’t deserve that i am garbage people). I went to therapy for many years so i can support me. I had to walk away from people, places and things because if i didn’t then my whole life would have ended. Period. I did not have the life skills to cope and live in my old life. If i didn’t choose me then there would be no me here right now typing these words. That is the corner that life had painted me into and i know i sound cold and callous and hysterical  but believe me i would never change anything that got me to this moment in MY life (ok,  i always need to remember that bangs are just not a good look for me….).

If the way i live my life affects your life well…. I guess i am sorry….. Ya know i walked away from a lot and yeah i missed out on a lot of things and yeah it hurts but that is what happens when you look to your own mental health first.

Look i couldn’t handle being in pain over and over and over everyday and i felt like i had become a burden to my family and friends because i was so mentally unstable. Oh here’s jennifer again with more new trauma or  what fucked up “story” is she spinning now.

If i didn’t make the choices i had made in MY life then i would have fucking killed myself. Sorry there it is. I would have actually succeeded after two attempts. I knew it was coming… i could feel it breathing down my back with the ticking tock  sounds of tiny pills being rolled in my hand. So yeah i made some life altering choices. If people are burdened by these choices well then i do not know what to say. Like part of me wants to say uh fuck you but other parts of me says they are in pain and lashing out just excuse the actions.

Part of me has taken a front to the “choice” comment because they obviously don't know me as a person. And i know this banter can go back and forth well you turned your back  but the truth is yeah i walked away i chose not to contact people because i needed to because i was and still am working on my disease and i won’t be stopping any time soon. The funny part of this is …. I have always been here. I never technically left i just stopped putting myself out there to be hurt and life continued. This was how desperate i was. I took one  large sting to stop all the other stings. I needed the external pain to stop so the internal pain could blossom and cure.

I walked away so i could become a functioning person in the community. I wanted to hold a job and go to school and make friends and live. Live on my terms. No more waiting and taking the blame or gaslighting.  I wanted to be as close to normal walking talking woman not meat that is just surviving.

I got lucky and i got some really good insurance when i was young and i saw the opportunity and i grabbed on with all my might and i never looked back. I had two great psychiatrists that lead me out of the dark and into learning how to be a person. I was advised that to do this work would mean cutting people, places and things from my life. To get into the real work i needed to be around people that understood what was going on in my head at the time and would be patient. It took years to get a real diagnoses. I was so grateful that they didn’t just throw pills at me and say it’s borderline or DID or clinical depression. Which were all being studied within me but they were with me and made me do the work and yeah…..

I stopped attending family events and holidays preferring to get jobs where i would have to work and yeah it sucked but i needed to be that way. It was my excuse and then time went by and no one expected anything from me anymore. Yes i know super selfish but i was ok with that. Years later i see pictures and see the smiling faces and beautiful parties and vacations and think ah that would have been fun to go to but time went on. MY life went on. I married and started a family of my own albeit we are tiny but we are a family and my husbands family well they seem to like me but they don’t know me from years ago and i know they are curious how i washed up on their shores and whats the back story but they respect me enough not to push. I have never met a more patient family.

I believe so much time has past that people that knew me when i was younger do not know me at all now and do not know how to react to me or to try and be around me. It is a weird situation. I am just a person that truly values my inner and mental health. Living with c-ptsd and agoraphobia and anxiety is very hard and trying for everyone in my life right now. My brain never stops it bings from one thing to the next these days because i am having some serious flashbacks so my anxiety has gone up and i am feeling very exposed. Which makes me want to safeguard in the house so no one sees me or hears me. Out of sight out of mind and then i can work on writing and get these words out of my head and start living a better life. A more open life. Not behind a monitor and maybe enjoying family and friends again.

I sit here and think back and yeah i hurt people by walking away…. You will never know how much it hurt me to make this choice. To be alone. To be selfish To forge ahead and find a semi rational way to manage a mentally ill life. I look at my life now … today this hour at my tiny gang and my life and yeah i hurt people and i would like to say sorry about that but i am selfish because of all the work I DID is truly paying off. Some days it is harder see then others but i am here thorns and all. Crazy, too full of emotions, cry at the drop of a hat, snort laugh farts girl that survived because of the choices she made.

*i do not want to hurt anybody with these words but i needed them out of my head

[injunjenn]

another moment will break my

You know what sucks about agoraphobia? The complete and utter loneliness. It’s weird to count the number of words you have spoken in one day. It hurts. It really really hurts. I know eric tries his hardest but he works all day and has a long commute and wants time to unwind and just relax in front of his computer and whatever. I sit quietly behind him and try and make small talk but most days it is just me sitting on the couch droning into the tv because it atleast talks to me.

I never wanted to enclose myself into my head and house and self. I wanted to work and make a living and help with my family but i just shut down. It has been years and it has gotten worse and worse and it is driving me crazy. Like literally.

Not to mention the complete and uncontrollable guilt that runs every part of my being every day, hour, second it is in the air i breathe and the fluids i ingest. Guilt oozes from my skin like a cancer spreading through my body. Guilt for breathing, talking ,sleeping. i literally just guilt shit on the toilet tonight. Crying and wanting to slam my left arm down onto the side of the tub as hard as i could but i stopped. I didn’t want to sit across from my husband tomorrow night and lie to him about falling or something dumb. It’s our anniversary and that made me cry harder.

The guilt eats at me and makes me small and then i can’t breathe and feel like a garbage person. I feel stupid and small when i ask for things basic things like i need shoes. I literally have three pairs of shoes and they are all from wal mart. I feel like my worth as a human being is so small that i am worthless. I feel like i look worthless in my husbands eyes. Do you know what that is like? The person who cherishes you most and yes i know he does not think i am worthless but i really really wouldn’t blame him for thinking i am worthless.

I depend on him for so much because i have shut myself out of the world. People have given up on me because i have whittled my person into a shell and no one wants to be around that…. I hate myself because i am so weak and stupid and i feel dumb and evil at the same time because i can't figure out how to get out. My mind is jumbled and i keep the noise going 24/7 so i  don’t have to think anymore i just exist alone and lonely and wonder why i am like this but in the end ……. it is my own damn fault.

I drag this with me through each day and don’t know where to stop or even how…. I want to walk out and make friends or just talk to another human being during the day but the complete and utter fear shuts my body down. I can’t explain it. I stop breathing my hands start to numb and that crawls up my arm into my voice and i know i have said this too many times before but it has to stop one of these days. I mean i used to be scared to go to things by myself but i knew if i didn’t i would never do anything and just be at home alone. And now i am here and i want out and to not be alone and not be another shitty day in my uniform of choice.

I don’t know how to be strong anymore. How do you become strong again? Were we given just a finite amount of strong because i had to be so strong when i was young that it’s all gone now and i am here alone in my mind…. Again. Where does strong come from and can someone lend me some. Please. Where do i go to find strong again? Is there a address? And don’t say god because that door shut hard on me a million years ago. So don’t you dare say fucking god. And it is obviously not inside of me or we wouldn't’ be here today. Slowly realizing that my sanity it a little shaky this afternoon.

I want to believe strong is still  in me just squashed out by this back breaking fear of stuff….. Yeah it is just a mass of stuff that has piled on top of each other until it snuffed the strong out of me. I try and work on the stuff it the stuff seems to keep growing and i am in a garbage dump of mental paranoia that i shove back down and sit back down on the couch and close my eyes and let the tv back into my mind and then i am numb again. I am in a losing battle that  is slowly driving me mad and sad and just gutted….. Again.

To stand. To rise. To find strong. This is what i need to find. To stop the stuff voices shaming me into submission again. Today i may have found a small strong…. Not sure yet but will keep listening to from the edge of the deep green sea over and over until i can breathe.

How much more can we use it up?

Drink it dry?

Take this drug?

Looking for something forever gone

But something

We will always want?

[injunjenn]

and then there was one

So , i have a bestfriend that i do not talk to anymore….. It is a hurt that i cannot even begin to talk about but here we go...we met at work a million years ago and immediately hit it off. We were like two peas in a pod a wild and crazy pod. We came from similar backgrounds both being adopted and pretty much raised in white families. We both had difficulties with our mothers growing up.

When we would go out people being people assumed we were sister because well we are both native and had long black hair and sometimes that is what society sees when two people look kind of similar. We, we just went with it. If people are going to assume we are sister then that is what we will be. Sisters! I never had very great relationships with any of my sisters and this was a relief to meet someone who wanted to be my sister and hang out and have fun and call all the time and just be there  for each other when crappy times happen. Always be there when crappy times happen.

We would fight like real fights where we would physically hurt each other and say some really dumb and mean things but in the end we were able to work through all that and come back together and continue our friendship. A sisterhood where we fight but still remain true.

Well that is what i thought was happening. It was not. We were entering a very destructive co-dependent relationship that would lash out into an almost ten year relationship. I am older than her and have been through many years of counseling and group therapies and had a long stint with sobriety. I knew my way in the world but she did not and so there was a cling. And me being the person i am didn’t want to walk away i thought i would be able to help with all the stuff i learned but in the end it never stuck with either of us i guess.

She would get so mad at me for choosing boys over her but it was the same thing she was doing too. It was funny she never really saw it or didn’t want to understand that she was doing the same thing. I am not nor would i say i was a super great friend. I am not a great friend to anyone really.

Her choice in men were well questionable…. Men who would beat her and treat her horribly and she would always go back. Not that i picked great guys in my life but i tried to acknowledge that i was being an idiot to fall for these crappy men. Not that i was great at that either.

It’s the fact that we had a really co-dependent relationship. I realized it after awhile when she would call me it was always with some new drama she had lived through. A hullabaloo of oh my gods and you will never guess. I realized and still understand she was much younger then me and had not gone through any true counseling so had no real tools to work with in life. But it soon just became  one sided conversations of her exploits or what is happening in this current relationship. It got tiresome and so i would step back sometimes because i need some psychic space i could not be a good friend anymore. It was the best thing for us. This would go for weeks or months and i would debrief and comeback and it was like nothing ever happened and i would fall right back into it over and over and over.

I know i am making her sound like a monster but it wasn’t like that i think that at the time we filled a human need of someone to believe us and know that we are or were not alone. We both had a similar past. She is very smart and caring person. I think we were just misguided or naive at being best friends. We used each other as crutches instead of standing on our own and supporting each other that way.

I think that our favorite song should explain a lot about our friendship. Where is my mind-pixies. Maybe we were the friends that we needed at that time in our life and to move forward would take more than either of us was willing to work for. Well…. I wasn’t willing anymore.

This was a person that i talked to almost daily. We would watch tv shows together while on the phone. But her partner he was and is why i had to stop talking to her and cut all ties. Well almost all ties.

When she was at her most vulnerable i walked away. I had to. It was for the best. I could no longer support her in the way she needed or deserved, we just lived too far apart and i couldn’t listen to all of the horribleness her partner was putting her through anymore. It was too much…. And i walked away.

I know this is horrible and gross to say but for my own mental health i walked away and it took along time and many tears to feel ok with my choice and finally find peace and gently shut the door on that part of my life. I miss her all the time and hope she is doing well with her family and life. I hope that all of her dreams come true.

As for me i no longer feel guilty for walking  away when i needed to and have learned a lesson on friendships.

[injunjenn]

On Holocaust Remembrance Day, this twitter account is posting the names and photos (when available) of refugees turned away from America who became victims of Naziism. #NoBanNoWall #RefugeesWelcome 

(Please leave this caption in place.)

[injunjenn]

Credit on watermark

[injunjenn]

Aquarius:

As an Aquarius, you find that people will listen to your advice when they come to you rather than dishing out unwarranted advice. You also will go to great lengths to help your loved ones, and you will not care if it hurts you to help them. You surprise so many friends with the quiet (but loud) love that you give them.

[injunjenn]

“Why does anti-racism require anti-capitalism?” Because this is how capitalists react when you place the lives of POC over their profits. Source: @discomfiting

[injunjenn]

hell is right-clicking to save an image and accidentally clicking ‘email image’ and having to wait forty years for some email program you didn’t even know existed to rise from its slumber like some lovecraftian ancient god, meanwhile the fans on your laptop are preparing for takeoff and you stare dead-eyed as the rainbow spirals, spirals, spirals. you wait and suffer this cosmic karma. days pass. “just a few more seconds” you slur. your laptop freezes and the concept of time is no longer comprehensible. your family and friends forget your name and you fade from existence.

[injunjenn]

An examination by The Washington Post of one week of Trump’s speeches, tweets and interviews show a candidate who not only continues to rely heavily on thinly sourced or entirely unsubstantiated claims but also uses them to paint a strikingly bleak portrait of an impoverished America, overrun by illegal immigrants, criminals and terrorists — all designed to set up his theme that he is specially suited to “make America great again.”

Trump’s week reveals bleak view, dubious statements in ‘alternative universe’

Yeah, but does it even matter? I hope that when he lies in the debate, SOMEONE says, “Mr. Trump, you’re lying right now.”

(via wilwheaton)

[injunjenn]

Young couple, Waterhen River, Saskatchewan, 1931

[injunjenn]

[injunjenn]

Republicans shut down the government because they couldn’t stop Obamacare. Ted Cruz ran for Prez on that bullshit.

[injunjenn]

[injunjenn]

509: Black Cat Sketch

[injunjenn]

you have been visited by the seven magic dragon balls your biggest wish will be granted but only if you reblog

[injunjenn]