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Just thinking to all of my relationships…

I-

Do I have a thing for abusive asses?

Or just like a thing for people who I struggle to stay happy with and who ruin my mental health even if they aren’t abusive?

Ex 1: my first SA

Ex 2: Invalidation when I shared what happen w/ Ex 1

Ex 3: SA + physical and verbal.

Ex 4: constantly invalidated any opinion or thing I told them when I was happy and my mental health went down so fucking fast I was SH free for a year and boom.

Bro- it’s crazy. They literally told me “Oh yeah *name* therapists better than you and actually got me help.” EXCUSE ME? I sent you multiple links to the suicide hotline, to Trevor, to everything I could find, I’d spend my entire night texting you before your screen time, I’d call every night because you wanted to, even when I literal was so fucking out of social battery.

Anyway,

A reason Ex 4 broke up w/ me was because I was emotionally distant but when I asked any of my friends if I was emotionally distant, all I received was “No! You’re so involved!” And when I said why i asked, they would say “Yeah no, they’re more emotionally distant then you.” And I’m not playing blame game or whatever, idc it’s not that big of a deal to me anymore, I’m just thinking back to it, this is just a snippet of the break up text :3 (for context I’m pan, transmasc, she’s sapphic, and transfem)

For those who don’t know what sapphic is, So I’m sapphic, that means that you feel attraction to female and non-binary people. (Gave me dysphoria because I’m still early in transition due to my age and laws, but I look rlly fem so… yk. Hahahaha…. I never said anything because we worked out well until I started get involved with stuff outside of my area)

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I haven’t been on here in a hot minute, hi! I’m S, or C4, I’m 14, uh I’m FTM, uhhh… idk oh!! TW

Anyway, I was talking to my friend who has a stable life and is very sweet and stuff and she has anxiety but nothing else, and I love her to bits(platonically I already have a GF though I’m kinda falling out of love but like I still love her idk?) but anyway, we were talking about stuff and I asked her,

“Do you ever just imagine suicide in very vidid detail? Because I do,” As in, do you ever imagine killing yourself in very vivid detail, and like I said I do because it’s true.

And she got all quiet and sad puppy and I looked at her and she was like “(Deadname bc she doesn’t know yet), are you okay?” And I replied, “As well as I can be.” And we hugged and I felt bad then later on she asked if I would and if I have planed it and I said no, yk like a liar. And then I added “I might in the future though, who knows.” And she got super upset which is fair, and was like “You’ll tell someone right?” And uh… i literally went, “Ehhh… sure…. Sure I will.” And that’s the whole conversation. Anyway I’ve been talking to some fun official ppl on the TVR project because our stupid as president got rid of our suicide hot line! Yay!

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Bro I was telling my friends abt my life and uh… apparently it’s like a Reddit story?

Like the time my dad made his gf (now wife(it’s been a year since my parents divorced.) ) apologize to me in her… underwear the second week we met.

Or,

The time I busted my knee open by playing w my dad when I was 5-6 because my knee somehow after I fell out of the bed(we were playing tickle monster,) and I hit my knee, and split it open and needed 17 stitches.

Or,

The time when one cloudy day I saw what I believe to be a witch riding a broomstick and yeah that’s it.

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Lmao I almost cried over school work cuz my music teacher(music studies - mandatory if you don’t have two music classes ie chorus and orchestra or band and orchestra.) wants me to do key board keys but like IVE NEVER PLAYED ON ONE?? And he’s like so basically you have to do this or ur gonna fail but he only told my class where the letter C was located and to go up the alphabet to G but MY ADHD BRIAN IS TRYING TO MAKE ME WORK ON OTHER STUPID THINGS AND I ASKED MY MOM FOR HELP AND SHES LIKE EMAIL UR TEACHER OR ASK FOR HELP IN CLASS NO!! I CANT URGHHH HE IS CONSIDERED WEIRD BY EVEYONE!! AND I DOTN MEAN THIS IN A MEAN WAY BUT HE LITERALLY TOLD 6TH GRADERS THAT HE WISHED THERE WERE VALINYIENS FOR “FRIENDZONED” OR SINGLE POEPLE AND HE MESSAGES HIS FRIENDS THAT ITS V DAY!! AGJDBALSBDLSBSIDBS

Also working on stupid subprime court cases because they’re “important” Ie Tinker V Des Moines and New Jersey v TLO

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Went through old texts cuz I’m going through major episodes on and off, and boy… I used to be so happy.

I used to spam text my friends, also these are my texts now,

:3 it’s so fun!

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I was playing mc w some friends and context,

I’m a therapist friend. I’m not gunna say anything abt what we talk about but this is what happened,

My friend naming the bats in their cave one of our friends and one of hers,

Me jokingly: what about meeee?

Them: you didn’t therapist good enough, you didn’t therapist to get me help.

Me who had spent the last two years convincing them to try therapy or find something to help them even when they insulted me and I was dealing with really shitty episodes and even tried for a 4th time but failed: that’s okay!

Haha. Fun fact, their friend is actually super toxic to me, and no matter how hard I try to be positive with them they just hate me. Anyway byeee

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Was reading a school email for like what my schedule was, and btw anyone in a different like state or country idk, I have an A and B schedule so I have a schedule specifically for that day, I have a B day currently, anyway, also FYI these are public schools,

I read the nurses part where students shouldn’t text the parents but instead make the nurse call after checking them for a fever or them puking yk? And i remember this incident with my 5th grade teacher, I had told my mom that morning I felt sick so she asked me to text her when I felt like that or go to the nurse so I went to the nurse, and she said to come back if i felt sick like that again, and I didn’t cuz she said she’d call me mom and I’m assuming she did, I never asked my mom to get me because I know she’s working, and suddenly the office rings my teacher and is like “can I have {Deadname} to the front office please? She’s going home.” So I went home but I come back the next day and our teacher lectures me about having my phone out and texting my parents to come get me, LADY I DIDN’T I TOLD JER I WASN’T FEELING GOOD AND WAS GOING TO THE NURSES OFFICEEEEE and you know the AUDACITY the nurse has in this situation? “I never said I’d call your mom.” NO. YOU DID. DO YOU JUST LIKE TO GASLIGHT A SICK CHILD?

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Idk if anyone knows but like ♡UKI VIOLETA♡

My mother and savior

Fun fact, he calls us jellies bc his mascot is a jelly fish w an egg on the head.

Fun fact 2, he lets us call him mama

Fun fact 3, he’s a very relatable gay who worked at a cafe and has a beautiful voice

IF YOU WANNA!! GO FIND HIM AT YT AND IN X AT Ukivioleta

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The feeling when ur lonely but ur the unwanted friend and u only have Pinterest, tumblr, and whatever musical platform u use??? Anyoneeee??

:)

Sincerely yours truly,

The fucked up, family disappointment who turned to drama / theater for comfort.

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;-; I WAS JUST GETTING BETTER BROOOO I DONT WANN RELAPSE AND FUCK MY THIGH MORE THEN IT IS FUCK ;-;-;-;-;-;;-; RAGING SO HARD BECAUSE I REFUSE TO HAVE ANOTHER DEPRESSIVE EPISODE WHERE I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABT BC IM SCARED TO VET TO MY GF BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SHE SIAD AND I DONT TRUST MY FRIENDS BECAUSE ARUGHHHHH HAHAHAHSHDNSHSJSNZJDHAJVSSJBDID H

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Did a mini experiment yesterday during school, also currently in hiding so I can use my phone cuz it’s fifth period and my school has a “if we see it it goes to the office,” for phones and wireless earbuds, sooo yeah.

I am usually super chatty, and chaotic and playful but yesterday I decided to act how I do at home, it was weird to say the least, but uh, yeah. Everyone continued on, my gf only asked if I was okay when she saw I didn’t get food before going off and talking and laughing with the rest of our friends, which, hurt, but tbh I always say I’m fine and I downplay my own feelings because I feel guilty for even having them often times. Uh, went through the whole of lunch (about 26-30ish mins) and no one, other than my gf once because I didn’t eat, said anything so yup! Also prolly gonna change this to be my personality.

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I JUST GOT OUT OF MY EPISODES I DONT TN WANT ANOTHERRR I JUST WANNA MAKE MY SILLY LITTLE GUYS IN PEACEEEEEE ;-;

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Casually listening to a random playlist while doing my silly little crafts but it has Juliet by cavetown andddd boy did the “I need to cry, but I can’t get anything outa my eyes.” Hit hard.

TW (if you read this ur on ur own)

Uh so, I used to get beat for basically being a kid and so, because I was a CHILD I would cry from the pain, but that resulted in me getting a worse beating anddd so I eventually learned to suck it up, hold back my tears so now even in the shittiest conditions, I won’t cry and if I do, I’m having a silent panic attack because I fear that I’ll get beat because of that experience. :3 I also forget the sometimes things can actually hurt because I developed a high fucking pain tolerance to enduring those beatings which were usually a nightly occurrence until I turnedddd… 11?? Idk poor memories!

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Casually making lil silly clay stuff after having the most depressing episodes for a month straight :3

I’ll post them once they’re done byeeee

✌︎('ω')✌︎

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

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MAJOR TW OF MENTIONS OF SH AND SEWERSLIDE BELOW!!

sometimes I make lists of things I do wrong,

So here’s this weeks list! And it’s only Tuesday!

I am tired.

I accidentally touched someone when they didn’t want it

I was playfully threatening my friends (I’ve done this for a while and there was no issue until someone told me it puts them in a negative headspace while also saying I wasn’t being empathetic enough.)

I was being dumb.

I made a stupid joke.

I didn’t eat.

I was laughing too much,

I was too loud,

I slammed my math text book as a joke,

I kept Ed bothering my friend because we were both done with our work.

I didn’t want to be myself.

And so from now on, I just shut down, I reduce myself to nothing and boom! Suddenly everyone is okay! :D

Also I’ve been working on some stories I made because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything productive anymore and it’s… weird. Because I know I’m doing something but it doesn’t feel right.

Nothing feels right anymore, I’m more emotional, I’m shutting down, my body and mind ache, it feels bad.

But thing I do fixes it, and I have my girlfriend venting and criticizing the way I try to empathize and communicate with her when she’s in an upset headspace.

So I feel like the only way they will be remotely happy I have to be quieter. Not… myself. It means I have to be vulnerable a way I don’t like. Sure I’m loud, excitable, psychically affectionate, but that’s a front. I don’t like being loud or the center of attention but I’m so used to trying to make things positive and distracting myself and others from shitty situations that its force of habit.

And recently I’ve wanted to k¡ll myself. Not in a, I’m suicidal and I wanna d¡3 way, but a, I want help but I’m so fucking tired of living I want to d¡3 way.

So personality change again!! Yahoo!

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Lmao, my thigh burns like a mf.

Anyway, the joys of being a trans teen! :p

Also I had my first Prism meeting and got cute pins, stickers, and lil guys from it, we played bing-gay!

Also had a mild silent panic attack, over my self inflicted injury(on my thigh) because of my mom sees it she’ll be and, and if she’s mad I’ll feel even worse and add more, and it’s js a whole process, yay! And don’t forget I was once again tempted to starve myself, because, guilt, fear of gaining weight, all the fun stuff!

Also, my girlfriend has a habit of saying she isn’t mad, just disappointed, which intensifies these feelings, but I never tell her because she’s like me, just slightly more better and more sane, and she has enough to feel bad about and I like to pretend everything is okay and normal while I lie to her through my teeth and tell her I’ve already eaten(mentioned in my first post or second idk.) So that’s a thing too,

My younger sister who’s 12, also enjoys calling me slurs! Like F@gg0t, or whatever. :3

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Sometimes it pisses me off when my friend comments things like “I’m such a big back” or “Bro! I’m so fat!” And says she calls things fat, while she’s around me, and I know it’s pretty stupid,

I also know that I have a problem with food due to the household I was raised in, and I do know said friend had bulimia, so I am glad that they eat more and what not, but… i have my own eating disorder too, and due to the house I lived in(until my parents divorced.) it just fed my disorder,

it’s so bad my friends are suspicious anytime I say I’ve already eaten and will literally make me eat, even if it’s a snack, but like, back to topic, it pisses me off because I was fat, I am chubby now, not necessarily fat, but definitely not skinny either, and it just makes me feel fat, so I’ll skip meals again,

but obviously as I mentioned earlier, my other friends will make sure I am eating, so I have to convince them I am eating and not starving myself, this friend also has told me on occasion that “if you think you have it bad with your mom, other people have it worse.” While we were on the bus and I didn’t want to believe that they said this so I asked again, “what?” And They repeated it,

so I starved myself that day, and the next, and the next, until my girlfriend caught me, and made me eat, I almost cried, it worsened my disorder further, and now, anytime I get the chance I check my weight on the scale, and if I see it went up even by one, I’ll start to starve myself again.

Boy do I just love to live.