insidemyhiddendrawer

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

oh I haven't mentioned yet, I newly have a raging obsession with marauders and therefor Bowie 💪

Thomas Jerome newton 🎞️

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

"What were you before you met me?"

"I think I was drowning"

"And what are you now?"

"Water"

-On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous, Ocean Vuong

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

Sunday 2nd July 9:50pm

hiya folks, god my emotions have been so all over the place recently, I was mainly sobbing yesterday evening but today I was laughing pretty hard. What?

I tried a new coping mechanism yesterday, I recorded myself offloading what's on my mind onto a voice recording during my mental breakdown, it felt so weird to say it out loud and it wan't the same as thinking it to myself in my head if that makes sense but I think it might have helped a bit. they say a problem shared is a problem halved so I guess I just shared it to the void / the unfortunate future me who stumbles across it whilst trying to find a birdsong recording...

I watched Asteroid City in the cinema with my friend this evening, god I just loved the visuals but I'm still processing the storyline, you know sometimes it feels like Wes Anderson tries so hard to make his stories/dialogue deep that is ends up being superficial, also the fact that the whole 'point' of the film was slightly lost with the fact that it was a play, I don't think it was as successful as he though his movie pitch was.

Barbenheimer is approaching and both trailers were played in the correct order, Oppenheimer and then Barbie that is, I'm really SUPER exited for both films, its just a bit unfortunate they are both out on the same day... oh well. I think people forget that just because they come out on the same day doesn't mean you have to watch them on the same day, they will have more than one showing!

I also had my ballet exam this morning, my pirouettes were on fleek but there were some bits where I forgot the right direction or used the wrong leg EVEN WHEN I KNEW THE RIGHT ONE, I guess I just mess up under pressure sometimes, I'm hoping to continue at uni though so I don't feel as though this is a point where I should be the best because I will improve more after this final exam. I do feel a bit embarrassed about it but I mean I can't change it now, I could have always worked more on it but then I would have had to sacrifice some work from elsewhere and do worse on that, or at lease that's how I want to think about it.

Maybe this is a little too personal but I met someone new recently, who was really really really nice, kind and bubbly so I don't want you getting there wrong impression, but she said I should get checked out for ADHD, I don't know I guess I just hadn't considered my symptoms were actually related to that, I though it was just anxiety and dyslexia but the more I look into it the more similarities I see. I'm considering seeing a professional but I'm pretty bad at going to people about these things, I've pin pointed that its definitely because I'm scared they will diminish how I feel, mostly because its happened before at my previous school (and they were disproved later). But still, I don't know if a diagnosis would even help?

I'm so grateful to my best friend at the moment, maybe when I die they will find this account and read through all these posts and when they do, my darling best friend you have been so good to me and I hope I can repay you in however you need. So much love B

anyway, its late and I want to get up in good time to write an essay tomorrow, all the best xxx

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

Delusional girl summer

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

3rd June 5:20pm

hiya friends, its been a while, recently I've been processing the loss of a fair few friends recently - I mean don't worry they're not dead thank god - but we've recently all gone to this big new school and parted ways, I tried not to think about it so much at the beginning because I was telling myself that it was for the best for a *plethora* of reasons but its recently hit me just how alone I am

I never stopped to grieve our close friendship when it ended - and I mean we used to be close close - but they did and maybe that's why they got over it so quickly, now I spend ages mourning and thinking about how I took it almost for granted having such a tight nit female group

so much has changed in this past year and I don't think younger me from a year ago would even recognise me now I'm such a different person and I don't know if that is for the better

I used to be so silly and laugh everyday, I used to be cheeky and challenging but now I can be shy and quiet, self conscious and dazed. its crazy to think how much environment impacts peoples personalities - particularly mine in this instance

I hope one day I can look back in hindsight and know that it turned out just fine in the end but sometimes I feel so lost without them

I think what hurts most it the fact that there is no going back to the way things were. they have changed. so have i. it can never be again.

so those memories are mine to keep and theirs to hate but never again.

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

—Claude Monet

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

“You will have days where you feel better, and you will have days where you want to die. Both are okay. There is no magical cure. You just need to close your eyes, and trust that the waves will pass, and soon you’ll be able to breathe again.”

— Unknown

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

signed m. xiv clear crystal heart shaped pendant .

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

tw: body image, weight and blood

please don't read if you think this might trigger you!

God its insane how much my body can change in the space of a cycle, when I'm on and before my period I look and feel so much heavier than after my period, then its like suddenly I've lost weight and gone to the gym all overnight, I wish my body would look like this all the time. Sometimes I really hate how I look, like I'm embarrassed and shocked that that's how I really look in pictures, I'm so in denial

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

tbh suzanne collins could write a book for every hunger games from 1 - 73 and I would read them all

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

i need these editors on tiktok making thirst edits of young Snow to always remember that that's the same mf who will torture Peeta our precious bread boy Mellark 65 years later thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

29th April 3:30pm

I just watched the trailer for Ballad of Songbirds and snakes and I am absolutely LOOSING MY SHIT!!! I have always wished I could have been born in the early 90s so I could experience teen culture and movies form the 00s and 10s but now I can have a tiny snippet myself 😭😭😭😭

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

Kiki Smith — Girl with Stars II  (sculpture; bronze, 2004)

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

I saw some white bluebells this morning in the graveyard. They’re very rare; according to the National Trust, “It is estimated that the proportion of blue to white flowered bluebells is 10,000 : 1″. Like their blue counterparts, they’re strongly associated with fairies, innocence, and truth. It’s said that when the sun begins to rise they tinkle to summon the fairies home, and misfortune would fall on any human who heard it.

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

she’s a 10 but she will procrastinate studying until the last minute and then cry about academic pressure

[insidemyhiddendrawer]

25th April

Fuck so much rests on the next few weeks, if I don't make these grades my life will be so different from how I want it to be, please god please please please I really need this one