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i love when he mutters to himself

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prematurely greying

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deep, all encompassing pressure is good when it’s martin

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i like drawing his hair

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they make me smile

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trying to figure out how jon would realistically relate to his queerness is a bit of a never ending conundrum, because, on the one hand, he's a super emotionally repressed and ashamed person who spends a lot of his arc at turns feverishly adhering to and trying to free himself from a highly gendered performance of class. his instinctive response to feeling vulnerable is to cover up his emotions, deepen his voice, exaggerate his accent, and make it look like he's above all those weak-willed credulous idiots to disguise the fact that he very much feels like a weak-willed credulous idiot. he's so used to ignoring his emotions that he can't even figure out what they are when directly asked by his dearest loved one, and he's got a, shall we say, Bad relationship to his body and his feelings of ownership over it.

on the other hand, he uses terminology like "male presenting" in his own private notes, he exclusively wears his ex gf's clothes for two months without batting an eyelid, he has basically no reaction at all to finding out other people in his social circle are queer, he dgaf about experiencing homophobic microaggressions, and his romantic relationship with a man is potentially the only thing in the entire show that he isn't paranoid about fucking up and losing. to me this paints a picture of a person who has manged to internalize really quite crushing and life-altering queerphobia about everything except, somehow, for his actual queerness. he thinks he's a lily-livered spineless wimp and an inhuman heartless abomination but that has nothing to do with his biromantic asexuality.

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trying to figure out how jon would realistically relate to his queerness is a bit of a never ending conundrum, because, on the one hand, he's a super emotionally repressed and ashamed person who spends a lot of his arc at turns feverishly adhering to and trying to free himself from a highly gendered performance of class. his instinctive response to feeling vulnerable is to cover up his emotions, deepen his voice, exaggerate his accent, and make it look like he's above all those weak-willed credulous idiots to disguise the fact that he very much feels like a weak-willed credulous idiot. he's so used to ignoring his emotions that he can't even figure out what they are when directly asked by his dearest loved one, and he's got a, shall we say, Bad relationship to his body and his feelings of ownership over it.

on the other hand, he uses terminology like "male presenting" in his own private notes, he exclusively wears his ex gf's clothes for two months without batting an eyelid, he has basically no reaction at all to finding out other people in his social circle are queer, he dgaf about experiencing homophobic microaggressions, and his romantic relationship with a man is potentially the only thing in the entire show that he isn't paranoid about fucking up and losing. to me this paints a picture of a person who has manged to internalize really quite crushing and life-altering queerphobia about everything except, somehow, for his actual queerness. he thinks he's a lily-livered spineless wimp and an inhuman heartless abomination but that has nothing to do with his biromantic asexuality.

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can i have a cigarette?

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There's this one jmart fic I really enjoy rereading but somehow I always forget the one line in the middle where it's clear the author is writing with white Jon in mind and it always shakes me out of it no matter how many times I reread it 😭😭😭

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Two types of TMA fans

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chill out season 2 jon... it's all in your head...

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Bad day

And the reference!

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ive been reading meta again

so i saw this very good post by @centaurianthropology and there’s a part discussing jon’s total innate inability to interact normally with people, to make connections like he’s expected to, which i was talking to @brendolenellis about. this particular observation really makes me appreciate a couple of exchanges between jon and basira, actually, as well as basira and martin. there’s a bit in mag 88: dig that goes like this:  basira (talking about why she likes jon): “he was actually funny, you know?” martin: “pfft, jon? i don’t think i’ve ever heard him actually tell a joke.” basira: “maybe you weren’t listening.” martin: “…right.” martin definitely has a crush on jon, it’s confirmed later on in the show, but it’s super interesting how this exchange shows the possessive nature of it. martin likes jon, but he doesn’t really understand him or how he communicates. no one in the archives really knows what the hell to do with jon, most of the time. most people are under the impression that he actively dislikes them, and while their personal opinions might chafe or they’re difficult to work with, he doesn’t actually have that attitude about anybody there. he tries to make it up to people, to make that clear, on several different occasions, but he’s just that bad at getting himself across. 

basira, on the other hand, genuinely likes him, and to my knowledge, they’ve never had a personal conflict, only ones related to the institutions they work for. it’s to the point that people assume they are dating- and my hunch is that actually has a lot to do with jon’s lack of outward hostility towards her. she gets his jokes. there’s a level of understanding there that isn’t present with most people. like, it’s really interesting that martin and basira are the only people who didn’t think that jon straight up committed murder, and martin’s reason was “i see something in him i want to protect” while basira’s reason was “i trust my own insight; he wouldn’t do that.”

what im saying is that (big surprise)��i headcanon jon and basira as autistic, but basira has an innate confidence in herself and her ability to make clear judgments while jon absolutely does not. in fact, he often fails to make connections because he doesn’t trust himself to be able to do it in the first place. even the vibe between him and georgie, whose relationship and breakup have never been touched on in detail, is that jon somehow psyched himself out of the entire relationship while she just did her best, and this is something they both seem to acknowledge.  also jon is really funny are you kidding  martin: “don’t think i’ve ever heard him tell a joke!” jon, in response to hearing something supremely fucked up: “i see, like colors, but if colors hated me. christ I need a cigarette”

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it's t shot day in the safehouse

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headcannoning both Georgie and Martin as fat trans people is imperative to me. can you imagine how funny the bits they could do against Jon would be. “oh so youre a chaser. youre a chubby chaser AND and trans chaser. Wowwwwww wowwww only dating us because we’re both fat and trans.” jonathan would be fighting for his fucking life.

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tma has finally brought me out of my art block, hurray!!! i still haven't seen s4-5, my buddy told me to add the caption bc it fit apparently