itisnotdefended

[itisnotdefended]

i like tumblr cause it feels like i'm walking through an almost abandoned apartment building and i get to see people arguing passionately with ghosts in their rooms as i trundle past

(ie i hate watching grown adults jerk off to arguments perpetuated by themselves to make themselves feel better it's like really fucked up dopamine addiction just go watch porn like a normal person jesus fuck you're hurting yourself and others)

[itisnotdefended]

now, i've been known to go crashing into peoples' lives and upend some patterns in my time. not intentionally; these things just tend to happen. i'm a tornado.

so when someone comes into my life and starts to insidiously maneuver things around, reshuffling, tucking back branches so they snap onto whoever treads behind... well, let's just say i'm not observant. and i walk slow on trails. that branch will meet my face eventually.

getting to know me the last year must have been miserable. i've been all over the gaff. i've faffed about so much that it's less of a pastime, past a hobby, and bordering on absolute dedication to the craft. i'm a master faffer. so when young homie decided to sidle up and moor his sloop to my rigging as it were, i was very clear: "not looking for a relationship," "that includes you," "i'm a mess right now."

it's to my own detriment that i didn't wholly communicate how much of a mess but arguably i doubt anyone would be able to fathom it even if i spoke nonstop to them for an evening just trying to explain. how do you explain? even a speedrun no glitch any% would be verbose at best and spectacularly hollow to boot. and for all the feigned understanding, for all the hours of compliments and pleasantries, i was handed a "i was never really your friend" and left standing there.

never. really. my. friend.

huh.

they usually keep that part to themselves. that's the quiet, no-no ideology that we don't talk about.

i'm a tornado but i'm a realist. i'm not observant but i'm not stupid. i figured that there would be a culmination of feelings. i knew where i stood and apparently was dead on with where he stood. so score 1 - 0. hah. i did it. i predicted this goofy ass "i like you too much to be your friend" bullshit.

thank GOD you "liked" me that much, fella. it:

saved me from continuing to try to be your friend.

showed me we do not align in our understanding of what relationships are.

drew back the curtain on how you viewed me.

absolved me of any guilt i was feeling.

freed me from having to make a different decision in the future.

"i don't regret anything." well good. delightful. and in the best way possible, i do. i regret not being more honest and forthcoming about the icks you gave me. i regret not peacing out after i convinced you that you needed therapy (WHICH IS CRAZY ON IT'S OWN HOLY SHIT). and honestly i regret being vulnerable. cause like, ew. now it's just ew.

but we live and we let live. if he comes crawling back to my DMs in the future then i'll meet him where he's at and share my takeaways (delayed processing is a bitch and i sure wasn't thinking what i'm thinking NOW when we were on a call ending things.). until then, i hope he enjoys flagrantly scuttling a friendship for the sake of his broken fantasy.

"i thought about staying friends but then having to see you date someone else. and that felt cruel." lmao bitch please you haven't known cruelty a day in your LIFE. hand to god this is probably the hardest thing he'll have gone through and we weren't even together. build some character. get a backstory. god.

[itisnotdefended]

if you say the quiet part out loud you just create reality.

[itisnotdefended]

it's crazy how "doing the right thing" can mean so many things to so many different people but

you hit someone with a "do the compassionate thing" and suddenly it's a whole lot simpler.

[itisnotdefended]

i love you ciabatta i love you brioche i love you focaccia i love you challah i love you sourdough i love you rye i love you multigrain i love you bagel i love you pita i love you pretzel bun i love you baguette i love you english muffin i love you naan

[itisnotdefended]

i went from my 0 note post era to my 4 note post era if it can happen to me it can happen to you. never give up #grind #girlboss #inspirational

[itisnotdefended]

[itisnotdefended]

future me is sick of looking back.

I can't feel her staring at me,

eyes narrowed and brow knitted together

seamlessly, without the rips and frayed edges

she is gazing upon.

is her neck stuck? or is she?

why, if she hates it, does she look back at me?

[itisnotdefended]

groomed horses as therapy today and here were some take-aways:

there is effort in letting someone take care of you; it doesn't Just Happen

you can't scratch every itch; allowing and making space for someone to scratch it is part of life

dirt is dirt; you (higher self, spirit, soul, w/e) are not less than because of your past, good or bad

you're worth being cared for

[itisnotdefended]

Softly. bend now, dear. gently with the wind, let your body bend softly. feel your hair lift from the nape of your neck and rebound across your face, strands like gentle hands around your throat, then back in place. we are all cells and gentle currents, electric and, oh, so Soft.

[itisnotdefended]

what if she was called chappell bone and instead of a singer she was a necromancer who raised strong as fuck skeleton warriors

[itisnotdefended]

hey just a general PSA if you believe in responding in kind in relationships (any flavor, platonic or otherwise) you will not have that relationship for long. at some point you gotta think for yourself instead of maliciously parroting your counterpart.

[itisnotdefended]

ッッi want to ッッ

~~❀❀❣SCREAM❣❀❀~~

[itisnotdefended]

it's okay to feel abandoned. we had all acted like we had made some kind of promise. "do no harm" "love" it's okay to feel abandoned when everyone seems to have forgotten. there is fraudulent and hypocritical anger in this letting go, this severing of ties across heartstrings.

stipulations like barters exchanged. "don't say their name" "don't share these words." "keep my secrets." but my pockets are empty. i have no coin to spend on protecting others' wants.

[itisnotdefended]

i don't let go. it's well established my grip is far too tight on the chains around the necks of those i love.

i won't soften. it doesn't matter if i tighten or loosen the tow that anchors these ships to my shores.

i am harbor. i hold nothing but the water others need to float. so can someone please hold me?

[itisnotdefended]

i thought it might hurt less on the hundredth go. thought maybe i had toughened up? no. gotten wise? no... maybe i didn't think at all actually. maybe i was too caught up in the doing of the thing, the role i played, to be who i actually was.

[itisnotdefended]

BARKEEP! YOUR FINEST SHOT OF BLEACH WITH A COOLANT CHASER IF YOU WILL