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[its-whatever-idc]

crazy how things don’t change. Here I am, tempted to relapse with self harm. It’s been almost 1.5 years since I last self harmed. May 2021 to be exact. About the same time since i last left treatment for the 3rd time for my eating disorder. Life has been something. One thing hasn’t change, i still want to die. the suicidal thoughts come and go, but at least since going to treatment in 2019 I got diagnosed and got help with what i needed. Officially got diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Anxiety, PTSD, and Bulimia. Trying out this thing called recovery and been off laxatives since April 2021 which is crazy. Considering how long I’ve been on them before treatment. The only thing that led me to treatment was almost dying. Kinda wish i would’ve just let that happen, but probably would’ve gotten involuntary hospitalized. I’m still sitting here at 26 years old still wondering why i’m alive just like when i was 16 years old. some things don’t change.

[its-whatever-idc]

2015

I rarely update here anymore. I’m don’t want to update as much since I’m terrified if someone were to find this account. Ha, that would be the worst. So far I’ve lost about 60 pounds. I should be happy right? excited? emotional? nope. I still feel the same when I was 219 pounds. I might even feel worse than before, and I honestly have no idea why. I’m at 166.8 pounds and obviously still have many more pounds to go. Still wanting to be 106, but honestly 96 pounds sounds way more better. I’m really messed up and I know. I just have this idea that if i’m skinny everyone will love, that everything will just magically be better you know? but I know that’s not how it works and that to actually be happy I have to love myself which will never happen. Me? Loving myself? a joke. Anyways, I honestly failed myself. By now I should already be at 130 pounds but I’ve been stuck between 175-165 for months and it’s so fucking annoying. I should exercise more, keep track of what I’ve been eating and everything but I just can’t think so straight forward. ugh. I’ve just been working like crazy, bingeing and then taking laxatives and been procrastinating on exercising. Honestly annoying. I want to start exercising tomorrow and just get back on track. I start college in a month and a half and would love to lose another 20 pounds because once school starts I wouldn’t have time to concentrate on myself. I’ll probably let myself go and eat like a cow. Mostly because I cannot concentrate in my classes without eating breakfast and lunch... ugh. But I’m excited to go back to college. Working and just staying home has been boring and I hate it. okay, I’m gonna go. ily.

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I’ve been thinking too much. I’ve been thinking too much. Help me.

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Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.

Jasmine Warga, My Heart and Other Black Holes  (via wordsnquotes)

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Feeling guilty.

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If you hesitate between me and another person, don’t choose me.

(via confessionsofcody)

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