jacewrites - Tumblr blog

[jacewrites]

22 years ago something heinous happened.

Thousands died in an act of terrorism, families were left decimated, many had to grieve as best they could as two planes crashed into the biggest symbol of wealth in the United States at the time.

I was not there, nor have I ever been to the memorial place, but even I remember hearing about it on the radio, not believing it and being afraid for those that I loved.

You could easily make an argument in saying that there was a before and after to this act of terror. It was an attack in the strongest, richest country; if they could be attacked, what made us safe? The way that we travelled changed greatly, but the way we lived too. The years of war with Iraq after the deed, the death of Bin Laden years later... none of that ever made anybody feel safe again. Brother was turned against brother through a senseless act.

A cloth fell from the world's eyes since then, ideals of what it means to be American changed, the American dream changed and we were divided again, by ideology, by politics and have never united since then. It's not only the US that hurts since then.

Terror won.

But there is a way to ensure that it does not continue to win.

We must never forget those that we lost on that fateful day... to forget them would be disrespectful

But we must also learn to live without fear, to live valiantly, to hope for a better future, tu build it! And to remain United, under one world, with liberty and justice for all.

[jacewrites]

My heart kept beating hungrily, each beat like a shotgun... Searching for something, a desire that I am unaware of.

Boom, boom, boom

"Give me what I want, or I'll burst through your chest like an alien in a 1970's movie"

What do you want?

Boom, boom, boom, it accused.

"you know what I want"

Boom, boom, boom.

"Time's running out"

[jacewrites]

The sun shone brightly in my eyes, I couldn't miss a single color, not one single shade could be forgotten, if it was the last thing I did, I would memorize it all. It would burn the image j to my mind like the sun into my retinas.

It's the saddest part of the day, dusk, as the las rays of light leave the pink sky, you see the remains of a once great day.

But that is the law of the jungle; there's nothing sadder than scattered remains of something that was once great. Decadence... Slowly withering away, chipping at what's currently great.

[jacewrites]

I may not need you anymore; but it would be really nice to have you around...

[jacewrites]

"The freedom that I worked to hard to get... Is not worth a hundredth of what I gave up to get it. I've spent 10 years in peace, but at odds with myself. I miss you Lilith. I shouldn't have turned my back on you. If only I'd had the courage to keep fighting.

Maybe you'd be here with me; or maybe we'd both be dead... But we would at least be here together."

This freedom is not worth a Single Damn

[jacewrites]

Let's talk about being young in this society.

The Soundtrack of my Life: Lucky Track No. 7: Perfect Places by Lorde

Give me a sick beat, make me feel alive, like I'm hip and cool.

This song is a spot on impression of being a teenager who feels inadequate; like they don't fit in and just keep standing out.

Doing new thing like a list of to-do's that will never end, but maybe if you end it, you'll be happy. "A graceless night" is another night spent looking for happiness in other's recommendations. A night wasted.

"I don't know, if they keep telling me where to go, I'll blow my brains out to the radio"

Is such a strong image, it's an image of the world handing you a list of things you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO do in order to be happy; never asking a single damn thing about you. Because... Who doesn't like money, success, good looks and fame? Right? Well if you keep telling me what to want, then I won't ever know who I am as a person, what I value, what I love... Then what's the point of it all If I don't get to be me?

We'll burn a candle at both ends just to get there quicker and notice...

This is not what I wanted...

[jacewrites]

A little explanation that I feel that I owe, if only to myself.

I love writing, it's a breath of fresh air launched into this old, ravaged pair of lungs. It's nourishing to me, it heals me. So...?

Why do I always stop writing?

Short stories, books, sagas, playlists of my life; half written angels and demons. Half realized dreamers in halfway written dreams. Half nightmares never truly dreamt.

It's easy to explain, I swear!

To me... Writing is only a breath of fresh air, new blood in my veins; a fresh pair of contacts; when it is authentic.

I refuse to defile the sacredness that this written word has to me... I can't write something that's not authentic, copy a feeling that I've never felt, talk about something that I know nothing about.

It's not too much of an excuse, but it's true and it's a promise that you... My Reader. Will always have a direct line to my heart; if you're willing to read it and dig into it a bit.

[jacewrites]

all the dialogue tags you'll ever need

said

mutter

groaned

grumbled

clarified

screeched

mumbled

murmured

clarified

scolded

reprimanded

begged

retorted

replied

blurted

confirmed

protested

laughed

exclaimed

disclaimed

agreed

relented

babbled

gushed

chortled

rambled

declared

shrieked

recalled

grunted

concluded

realized

consoled

offered

noted

rasped

spat

whined

cried

proposed

assented

jabbed

sneered

hissed

moaned

demanded

cajoled

insisted

lamented

sneered

glowered

cried

wailed

breathed

ordered

boomed

promised

swore

cursed

gasped

chimed (in)

threatened

warned

[jacewrites]

Az began hearing the scraping of iron against concrete like he had the day before and his heart sank in his chest. His right eye began to twitch and he felt the weight of ten hot stones in his stomach. Last night he would have reached for the blade. But he was not the same person he was yesterday. He saw the blade glow sickly red in anticipation; he could imagine the demon smiling if it were able to.

Licking its lips.

Waiting.

The heavy steps began thudding throughout the hallway. Az took a deep breath, counted to five and then asked:

"Do you hear that at all?"

"I don't hear much of anything," she answered, confused. "What are you hearing?"

"I'm hearing the heavy steps of a monster that has never really existed"

he said aloud.

"I'm hearing the sound of my conscience punishing me for the things that I have done"

he then turned to the blade that continued to glow.

"And I'm seeing a cursed blade trying to take advantage of me"

He finished with an angry tone and a tear in his eye. He picked up a pebble and launched it with surprising strength towards the sword. Slowly but surely the blade began to disappear until there was nothing for the pebble to hit.

The echoes also stopped, as well as the sound of the chains that he had bound himself with...

[jacewrites]

He opened a drawer that had been carved into the mountains' wall and withdrew a small glowing stone and looked at it intensely for a few seconds before sighing and whispering: "You're coming with me on one final adventure" to which the previously red stone blinked green with agreement.

[jacewrites]

"I vow to come for you, if you wait for me"

[jacewrites]

Let's talk about the road to understanding life a little more.

The soundtrack to my life: Track 6; New Romantics by Taylor Swift

Melancholc tune... Do you remember when...?

Has it been so long?

Wow, we've waited for so long for life to happen,

trying to enjoy our care free life while we can.

We're too young to be so miserable, far too young to be so doomed...

Maybe we can do a bit of good with all the bad hands life has given us. Like making cleaning spray from rotten lemons. Heartbreak turns into an all time great poem, strong friendships and love. The best people in life are free to come and go as they wish, it'd be cruel to keep them hidden in the castle that they helped us build with the bricks they threw at us.

They might talk about us behind our backs, the rumors and gossip might be terrible and cruel, but they're also true... Who are they to throw stones, if their homes are also made of glass?

We sing our heartache and carry our heart in our sleeves proudly. There's nothing to be ashamed of with scars that show that you've survived much worse than that gun's Calibre.

[jacewrites]

"Oh, how great you are!

Oh, how you belittle yourself"

[jacewrites]

Let's get a little dangerous... This song is about a sick type of love, the insanity of it and how, just once it a while... Sicker IS better

The Soundtrack of my Life. Track 5: "Bad Things" by Machine Gun Kelly and Camila Cabello

A melancholic tune plays while I ask myself if I am still sane, or entirely out of my mind. I like bad things, dangerous people. Like a bull, I rush headfirst into red flags. And I can't really explain it... It's complicated.

It can't be that bad when it feels so good right?

The dichotomy of a destructive lover. Someone you love and wish to please, but someone who hurts you and you wish to punish.

Someone who breathes life into you but also chokes it away. You want them around forever, you wear scars on your body and heart to avoid forgetting them.

Is it that crazy?

I can't explain it. It's complicated...

No matter how good you are, I only want to do bad things to you, keep you coming back for the pain we both love.

Okay, it might be insane, but you're the same.

I'm the little voice in you head, begging you to misbehave. Listen, listen... What if..?

Your touch makes me shiver, because no matter where I look; nobody can make me feel the same. But is that a bad thing? It's our secret language, one nobody else speaks.

No need to ask it again, no need to explain it. It's insane... And complicated.

[jacewrites]

A small break from you scheduled programming: I thought I might give writing a love letter a shot.

Meine Liebe

Hey Love,

I know it's been a while since I wrote to you last. But writing is like an instinct to me; one of the few things that I know how to do well. Love letters are not, by any stretch of the imagination, my expertise. But there's so much to be written about you.

The small smile you use when someone's taking a picture and the wide grin released from your lips when you think nobody is watching. The way your hair glistens in the light of day but remains jet black at night. The curve to your eyes that's the most dangerous curve I've ever come across; the very same curve that when you smile let's me read you like a book..

I could write a whole paragraph about how you hold my hand, tightly like one holds a life raft. I could write about how you love dancing and how our hips move in perfect harmony and that when we're out in the dancefloor: You're Thurman and I'm Travolta.

I'd love to write about how; in the nights that I'm unsure about everything; you hold me tightly, you hold me together with your arms, stopping all of my shattered pieces from straying.

I could talk for hours about how much you love kareoke; and how "fa-la-la-la-lah" means "I love you" on the mic. About why I always look directly into your eyes as you sing because; even after all these years; you're still shy about singing in public.

I can recall every single craving you had at midnight that would see us drive around town looking for an increasingly bizarre list of ingredients. I can talk about how, after an amazing nine months, we had the most beautiful baby girl who will grow into those huge wandering eyes. I could write about how you lost a bet and I got to give her the name she dons. About how you insist on calling her "Thea" because "Athena" is actually really awkward to pronounce in spanish (I'll never admit it out loud). But no worries. I'm sure you're gonna make me loathe our boy's name some day.

I could write all of this and more; but you've lived it alongside me and I love you for it. Meine Liebe. Even after so many years of writing, there still aren't enough words to make justice to how I feel for you.

Yours truly,

-Jace

P.S. If I were lucky enough to love you for the rest of my days; that would still not be enough for me.

P.S.S. I love you

[jacewrites]

This song is fundamentally linked in my mind to the movie I saw it in. My favorite movie of all time. Boyhood (2014). There's bound to be a few references here and there.

The Soundtrack of my Life. Track 4: "Hero" by Family of the Year

"Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero." It's always about great expectations, about being a child, who, from an early age was thrust upon the role of savior. An only child who is expected to carry the weight of the family's future on his back. His knees buckle from the strain and he doesn't want success to be his only choice.

"I don't want to be a "big man"" he wishes the weight was not solely on his back, he rebels against being an adult with adult-sized responsibilities

"Your masquerade, I don't want to be a part of your parade" growing up in a family with a tendency to lie very often, they'd lie to other people and amongst themselves. Sometimes all you want is to be yourself, but you've learned that you need to wear a mask, otherwise you will not be accepted for who you are.

"Everyone deserves a chance to... Walk with everyone else" living under a mask for so long ends up costing you, building lasting connections, making friends all goes out the window because there's always something keeping you at an arms length.

"While holding down a job to keep my girl around, and maybe buy me some new strings, and her a night out on the weekend" the happiness behind a simple life. Working a job, having money to keep yourself going. Buying some "new strings" or anything that makes your heart happy and have a little left over to hang out with the love of your life. What else can you ask for? That's all this kid wants. A simple, burden-less Life.

"We can whisper things, secrets from out American dreams" Having dreams and putting them on the back burner because you need to make money and keep everything flowing smoothly. But at night, while speaking with the love of your life, you can unravel and talk about the things that take your breath away.

"Baby needs some protection, but I'm a kid like everyone else" How is this kid supposed to protect anyone? He is a child, and he himself was never protected from the world...

[jacewrites]

It's not all doom and gloom... There have been some amazing times.

The Soundtrack of my Life. Track 3: The Miracle of Joey Ramone by U2

This story starts with joy, jubilation and elation.

Euforic; I heard this song after a very special occasion.

I was magnitized by a beautiful dream. Haunted by previous nightmares.

"I was young, not dumb. Just wishing to be blinded" really resounds with me because I have been inexperienced, but never dumb, always fully aware of the stakes and wishing to be blinded of them. Hoping to have an excuse to fall...

Something completely new, and I woke up, like a miracle, a completely new lease on life based on this enlightening encounter. An almost religious experience.

"Everything I ever lost... Now has been returned" everything that was taken from me by another, you gave back to me in the span of a few hours. My confidence, my swagger and fire.

Elation. Elevation...

"We've got language so we can communicate" (body language, I can read you like a script)

"Religion so I can love and hate" (religion so I can proclaim a goddess and worship)

"Music so I can exaggerate my pain" (music so I can express my euforia.)

"And give it a name" (your name, it's always yours)

I woke up to a miracle that helped me make some sense of the world. Some divine justice in a previously injust world. Giving me the strength of a conqueror, the confidence of a legendary gambler and the belief of a child.

"I get so many things I don't deserve" I remember thinking this. What good deed did I ever achieve to deserve this wonderful redemption? What a selfless deity.