jack-the-dm - Tumblr blog

[jack-the-dm]

Humans are weird: Warhammer 40k Board game

Alien: Can you help me? Alien: I can’t find my friend.  Human: What army does he play?  Alien: I think he called them “orks”.  Human: One moment.  *human takes a deep breath*  Human: WAAAAAGH! *From other side of the convention center* Human 2: WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!! Human: They’re over there. ———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: What would anyone want to play as these dark eldar?  Alien: Most of them are almost completely naked! Human: Well it’s either that or sisters of battle for curvy woman; and those ladies are fraking religious zealots so they just have “kill joy” written on their forehead. ———————————————————————————————————–

Human: Excuse me, but do you have a moment to talk about the greater good?  Alien: I suppose I d- *Human 2 comes in waving a rolled up magazine and swats Human* Human 2: Go on, get!  Human 2: Get out of here!  Human: They have the bes- *Smack of magazine against Human’s head* Human 2: Nobody wants your friggin space communism!  ———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: Can you help me? Alien: I can’t find my friend. Human: What army does he play? Alien: I believe he called it “chaos”. Human: One moment.  *human takes a deep breath* Human: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! *From other side of the convention center* Human 2: SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! Human: Yeah he’s over there. 

———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: My tyranid army is unstoppable!  Human: You do realize that it’s my shooting phase now, right? Alien: Yeah, so? Human: You’ve never fought a player who has an ork army have you?  Alien: No, but- *Human hefts garbage bag full of dice on to table.*  Alien: What is that?  Human: My shooting phase dice.  Alien: That’s how many dice you roll when shooting!?!? Human: Oh no, this is just the first batch.  ———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: So their fists are chainsaws?  Human: Correct. Alien: That’s so stupid Alien: Next you’ll tell me you put chainsaws on your swords.  Human: *under breath* probably shouldn’t mention the chain axes then. ———————————————————————————————————–

Human: You wanna know how to trigger a dark angels player? Alien: Sure. Human: *Whispers in ear* Alien: *approaches DA player* DA Player: can i help you? alien: I’ve fallen and can’t get up. DA Player: *Lunges at alien*

———————————————————————————————————–

 Alien: There are priests on the battlefield? Human: Yeah, but you don’t want to talk to them. Alien: Don’t they offer spiritual guidance?  Human: Sometimes.  Human: More often though they’ll beat you to death with a golden eagle or skin you alive and mount you on a tank. 

———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: Can you help me? Alien: I can’t find my friend. Human: What army does he play? Alien: I believe he called it “imperial guard”. Human: One moment. *human takes a deep breath*   Human: CADIA STANDS! *From other side of the convention center* Human 2: THE PLANET BROKE BEFORE THE GUARD DID! Human: Over there.  ———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: So these orks were once the saviors of the galaxy that helped defeat the necron murder machines.  Human: Yup.  Alien: Then why did they turn on the old ones after they defeated the necrons? Human: Mostly the old ones fault for that.  Alien: How so? Human: When they made the orks they forgot to add an off switch.

———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: So one is a book nerd, Alien: another is a blood thirsty jock, Alien: the third is an overweight blob of flesh, Alien: and the last is a “slut”?  Human: Yup.  Alien: And the humans worship them as gods?  Human: Yup.  Alien: Which is the most popular? Human: Which do you think? Alien: ……. Alien: It’s the slut one, isn’t it…. Human: Bingo! 

———————————————————————————————————–

Alien: Why do these machines want to end all life? Human: You ever been stuck in traffic for a long time and then look to your left and see people who’ve paid extra to use the private lanes zooming by?  Alien: Yes, I have. Human: Don’t you ever feel pissed off they get things better?  Alien: Ooooooh, now I see. 

[jack-the-dm]

Pathfinder: Untold Wonders!

Chapter 2: A bird, a fish, and a demon

Avogragan wasn’t a good man. He was rarely considered a man over a monster. Few could argue it, of course, as he wasn’t the easiest to look at. Among his people, the Strix, he’d been considered on the upper side of average. Here, however, wandering through the human city of New Vander, he was a freak.

He’d kept a hood and cloak drawn tight around him, but his wings would occasionally droop and peek out the bottom. It was a constant hassle to keep them up and very tiring. He usually played them off as part of his getup so people wouldn’t trouble him, but lately that caught the attention of hunters. They always hound him for where on this earth he found giant ravens, but it wasn’t hard to dissuade them. Even so, it wasn’t attention he needed. Now they were folded around his shoulders within his cloak, a rather claustrophobic solution, but one that let him pass as a Tiefling. He had skin on the same level as ash with bright yellow eyes and a set of sharp teeth. It really wasn’t hard to play to that strength. As long as Tieflings were allowed, so was he.

As he walked down one of the less crowded streets in what he could only assume was the crafting district, he spied many things. Despite the Human majority in the city, he saw plenty of Dwarves, the occasional Elf, and even what seemed to be a sleeping Merfolk sitting by the wayside with a pan sparse with copper and silver coins. A sign written in common sat propped against her knees as she slept, “Will perform for food.”

He paused by her, ignoring the leering glances in his direction. He could only imagine what they saw, a tall hooded man standing in front of a passed out woman. She had icy coloured skin with long straight hair that was only a shade or two darker. A set of finned ears protruded from either side and through the gaps of her sandals he could see webbing. Her body was that of an acrobat, toned and firm with curves in all the right places with maybe a little extra up top straining her ragged shirt. She was unbearably attractive. Under normal circumstances, he might have cared more than a little. To him, she might as well have been a flowerbed, or more aptly a still river. Still, he couldn’t help but notice how thin she was. Her shirt had ridden up enough where he could see her ribs beneath the skin and her sunken stomach. How long had it been since he was in the same position? How long since he’d been on the street with a mound of dirt for a pillow and an empty belly for days at a time? With a deep breath, he retrieved a gold piece from his coin pouch within his duffle bag and dropped it into the pan.

It wouldn’t be enough for lodging, definitely not around here, but it would get some food for her. Besides, he had more than enough from his last job. With a sharp jerk of his neck that sent a cascade of snaps through his spine and several street goers giving him concerned looks, he made his way forward.

He’d asked his long time ally Umu to scout around for the town’s inns and bars, hopefully with decent pricing and a lack of racism. Those two didn’t always go hand in hand, sadly. Either way, he’d make due. If anything he was just biding his time until her return. The city being the bustling den of activity it was meant that there was always something going on. Avo must have wandered past at least three street fights, a handful of professional hustlers, and two brothels. It hadn’t been the best time. One of the more enthusiastic girls, some Elf or maybe even a halfbreed, tried to lure him inside. Being one of the few completely clothed and even hooded had drawn her eye. She’d been taller than him, but that didn’t mean much when she saw the arcane yellow glow of his eyes. To the girl’s merit, she didn’t scream or freak out in any sense. She simply stepped back and let him pass. Nothing says leave-me-alone better than a little flash of magic.

His arcane abilities were immense, but he had yet to really master it. Oh how he longed to skywrite again, twirling through the air while leaving mystical wisps of energy in the form of words or the rare picture. It could even be considered a form of dance. He briefly let himself glance skyward, reviling in the memories of he and his sisters soaring through the night sky in intricate patterns and movements.

‘One day I’ll see them again.’

With his thoughts in the clouds, Avo felt the comforting pinch of talons on his shoulder. His raven had returned. He gave it a glancing smile, “Umu, welcome back. Find anything?”

The raven let out a coo and jerked its head to the side. She was a smart little bird. “Found a lovely little place about a mile down. Can we stay there? The skies don’t look too friendly today.”

Avo looked up. True enough there were clouds above, but on the horizon was nothing but sun. He couldn’t quite reason that the bird’s concern was founded, but he could feel her hesitation and reluctance. The benefits of a familiar like her were plenty, a natural sense of danger to name one. Umu could feel a storm coming, violent and angry, and their supernatural tether ensured they both felt it. “Sounds fine to me. I’ll get you some bread in a bit.”

“Bread!” The raven squawked right next to his skull, causing him to flinch.

Not a few seconds later, someone stumbled into his path. They were barely over three foot with large pointed ears and bright green skin. Strands of black hair were slicked back, but did nothing to hide the bald head. A pointed toothy grin met him. Avo was pretty thrown off. He’d seen Orcs, but this? He had no idea what in the six hells it was. No one seemed to react to its presence, but this thing stood out more than he did. “You! You, hooded man.”

It’s Common was atrocious with a kind of snarling accent that the words just weren’t meant to endure, but he could understand to a degree as the creature hobbled up to him. The poor thing gestured to the ground, “Boot shine?”

Avo looked to his bare three toed feet, each digit extending into a talon. The creature also noticed and tapped its chin as thoughts ran through its mind. “Hmm... nail shine?”

It had been longer than he’d liked since the last time he took proper care of himself. Avo looked down to his exposed talon-like nails that topped each of his toes. They were well kept, but covered with dirt and lacked a shine they once had. The raven at his shoulder nudged him with her beak, “You should, you know.”

The odd little Dwarf-Orc motioned to a chair, it’s crooked teeth twisted into a smile. It was wearing some weathered clothing, but the heaviest damage sit on the knees of the pant legs and on the creature’s upturned palms where plenty of dirt and what looked like soot had been rubbed in. A hard worker, this one. He’d already given a gold to some weird homeless fish girl, why not give some business to a proper worker too? “Sure. Thank you, uh...”

“Gums! Humans call me Gums, best shoe shine.”

“Right...Gums. Uh, thanks.”

Avogrogan sat down, trying to keep a gap between his folded wings and the back of the chair. They were pretty uncomfortable as it was, but this was grating. He’d endure. Had it not been a human majority city, he’d have let his pride and joy unfurl to their full majesty. He missed home. He missed his old life with his family and his tribe.

Humans were heavily responsible for his races destruction as they expanded their territory and believing them to be devils, began a war that wiped out generations from both sides. The war was over, but dried blood was still blood spilled for the greed and foolishness of humans. Avo hated them to his very core. He’d met some nice ones of course, forced to converse with them while under the guise of a Tiefling, but a handful of good souls didn’t redeem a species. He knew that much. Likewise though, it took far more than a few bad eggs to condemn them.

“All done!”

Avo glanced down to admire the little thing’s handiwork. There was a shine to his black nails that hadn’t been there in years. He could almost see himself in their curve. Very interesting. “Hmm. Not bad, Gums. Not bad at all. What do I owe you?”

The little creature stood as tall as it could and brought a fist to its chest with a toothy smile. “Three silver! Gums is best shine!”

“Definitely a good one. I’ll give you five for a good job.”

“Generous bird man!”

Avo stiffened as a fake smile crossed his face, “Tiefling man.”

Gums pointed to the hem of his cloak with a gnarled finger, “But bird wings, there.”

“A trophy I assure you.”

“They just moved.”

Umu nudged him again, “Idiot, they’re moving when you do!”

Avo stiffened further and realised his mistake as Gums pointed again, “Ah, see? Bird man.”

Avo was about to respond, but Gums stood up and dusted his hands on the front of his tunic, “Bah, Gums don’t care. Hard to work honest in human towns. Gums has to work hard to be here. First Goblin in years!”

Goblin?! Was that what they looked like? Gods above, it looks like some horrid crossbreed that should never see the light of day! Avo managed to keep his screams internal and leaned forward, “Ah, a fine Goblin you are. You should be proud. Took me a week of camping outside the walls to get in.”

Umu flapped her wings and perched herself on the back of his chair shaking uncontrollably with a laughter the bird just couldn’t voice. Clearly she’d detected his surprise, “What the fuck did you think he was?! A midget Orc?”

Avo peeked over his shoulder, “Would you be surprised if I said yes?”

The raven fell to the stone laid ground twitching with soundless laughter the species just wasn’t capable of. Gums cocked his head, “Is your bird okay?”

Avo took that as his cue and got up, thankful that no one could understand the words he spoke to his familiar, and was sure to collect Umu from the ground, “She’s fine. Thank you for your work Gums.”

He held out a fistful of six shining silver coins which the Goblin happily accepted. As Avo strode on with a powerful gait, he tucked the raven into his coat where an inner pocket became her resting place. He could still feel her spasms of laughter as her beak rubbed against his padded shirt. He felt a roll of the eyes wasn’t quite enough for something of her caliber. Honestly, what an overreaction. Again, Avo glanced skyward. The clouds were slowly getting darker as time went on. The raven was right. A storm was coming the likes of which were reserved for the highest mountains.

A few minutes and a brisk walk later found them cozy in the very Inn Umu had mentioned. The bird was perched on the edge of a pan, pecking at the cut of bread Avo had given her while he worked slowly at some dried meat he’d gotten. They’d secured a room easily enough and now they were alone. A bed and a table with two chairs were all that decorated the room, but for two gold a day it was rather fair. It was well kept and made sure he was warm as the brisk evening wind began to blow through the streets. His cloak lay on the bed with one of the chairs jammed into the locked door. In utter privacy, he let his wings unfurl.

The black feathers shined dimly in the candle light as both eight foot appendages extended behind him. Avo was stood at the window, shirtless and munching away with a hand on his hip.

“Thinking about where he could be?” Umu chirped.

The Strix only nodded. His prey was here somewhere. If he were a lecherous old fool with a fetish for necromancy, where would he hide?

__________________________

Allisia wandered through the streets of New Vander with a smile on her face and a mission in her mind. She was to go and fetch a few supplies for a mission that would take them into the mountains. It was a simple escort job that had them and two others from the Adventurer’s guild guiding five merchant folk to the Dwarven city of Urven. She didn’t like Dwarves. She didn’t hate them by any means, but she was always subject to their jokes and drunken advances.

Speaking of...

She gave a middle aged man a sharp glare as his eyes roamed where they really shouldn’t. She was still in her armor, refusing to leave it for this very reason, but the man simply smiled like he could see right through it. She gave a huff and picked up the pace, tucking a few strands of hair behind her horns to keep it out of the way.

“You’d think the demon with a greatsword would deter those pervs.”

Allisia shivered and looked down to her side. Walking beside her was Marii, a friend she was quick to make. When she’s first mover to New Vander with her father, Marii had been the town’s main attraction. She was a performer, dancing and singing for the entertainment of others. She’d been the one to make a tavern’s profits triple in one night. That was until she made powerful enemies. A politician here, a few uppity businessmen there, all turned down by her. They hadn’t taken it well. They blacklisted her, paid thugs to rob her, had arsonists burn her home. In two short years she’d lost it all. No one could even arrest them due to the extreme funding they put towards the city guard. She was left helpless. Alissia had asked why she never joined the Adventurer’s Guild like them, but apparently one of the people she turned down was the Guild Master. She was still somehow looking after herself, but it pained her and her father to see their friend in such a predicament. Von even forced her to stay with them for two weeks before Marii had refused to burden them longer.

Marii Selvic was, from what she’d told them, an Undine. She was from another plane of existence entirely! She never mentioned how she’d arrived in the Material plane. With ice coloured blue skin and long voluptuous hair of a deep ocean shade, she stood out as much as Ali did. The finlike ears protruding from her head reminded the Tiefling of her own horns, the currently unused gills in her neck reminiscent of Ali’s tail. Sure they weren’t the same by a long shot, but outcasts bonded over similarities. The tattered clothes the Undine wore were much more loose than Ali thought was really healthy, but the chest of the top and the hips of the trousers were still drawn relatively tight. She was still flaunting her near perfect hourglass figure, but it had been stupidly exaggerated back in her successful days. It was as if she’d been blessed by every fertility goddess that ever existed at the same time. At least now it was more manageable.

Ali gave her an honest smile, “Hey Marii! Where’re you off to?”

“Oh, just doing a bit of altering for the girls down at the Rose Bud. They’ve got a big crowd tonight and their performers aren’t looking their best right now.”

The Rose Bud. Ali shuddered at the name. It was one of the three brothels in town and the cheapest by far. The girls that worked there were either down of their luck or condemned to slavery. There’s been nasty rumours spreading around about the management too, talk of abusing their workers and skimming off their pay. The Tiefling’s stomach flipped at the thought of her friend going there, especially alone. The sun was gone, but her father wouldn’t worry too much. He’d probably go himself if he knew and their mission wasn’t until noon tomorrow. Yeah, plenty of time to do it tomorrow.

“Hey Marii?”

The Undine’s long lashes fluttered in the evening light, “Yes?”

“I know you can handle yourself, but I really don’t like you going alone. Would you mind if-”

Maria’s hands flew to Ali’s shoulder, the highest point she could reach with a hop, “I’m so glad you offered! I was actually going to ask if you’d tag along.”

Ali felt the warmth spread from her friend’s palms into her tightly knotted shoulders. Gods above she needed a massage, preferably by this master of the body. Even with the pleasant distraction, she couldn’t help but stumble over her words, “Y-you were? Well, sure, I mean I can’t just let you go alone. You’re my best friend after all.”

“Aww! You’re sweet, Ali. Makes me wish I had a sweet tooth.”

What exactly she meant by sweet tooth, Ali didn’t want to assume. She folded up her list of supplies and began following Marii’s lead, doing her best to put her hiking face on. According to her father, she had a grand total of three specific expressions. There was the social face, which she usually wore. The hiking face, reserved only for long walks that make her hate anything and everything until she could sit and rest. And finally, her killing face. She never got the chance to see it herself and Von never described it, but he didn’t like it. She couldn’t even try to get near it. It was very situational.

There wasn’t much she had to do in regards to Marii. The girl was a pro at anything arcane. She could seduce a man with her voice and make windows shatter with a shake of the hips. She was still as much the performer as she once was. Plenty of people gave her lecherous looks and a few went to Ali as well, but apparently looking angry did the trick.

‘Yeah, because a seven and a half foot tall, two-hundred pound devil girl with a slab of steel on her back wasn’t enough.’ She thought with a tired sigh.

At least one of them enjoyed the attention.

——————-—————————————————

So how I usually do these is I get with the player who’s perspective the chapter takes and work with them to see how they would think. Again, sorry for the format.

[jack-the-dm]

I can’t believe I almost killed the entire party with a frog...

So I essencially had a frog that hopped around eating things. It acted like a living bag of holding. The group tried to hunt it down, but almost all their attacks went straight into the thing’s mouth. Whenever it took actual damage, it barfed up a random item it had at high speeds. After firing three Guiding Bolts and a Nat 20 on the Frog’s end, the thing cast Guiding Bolt two levels higher. I created a Super Saiyan frog and nearly ended everything. Today was just a fun side adventure!

[jack-the-dm]

Hell yes

(Useless/Surprising) Magical Items

So I was having a lovely conversation with @princeofsparrows about magic and magical items and he sent me several links to very useful lists and tables. Those can be used by any DM to improve the game and set some more fun/challenge into the game without adding enemies or limiting themselves to always better armors and weapons.

My players usually discuss for an hour about the best way to open every door with a single rune on it (even if the rune actually just means “toilets”). So if I give them an omniously glowing fork and they will turn around it for half of the evening…

We decided to share with you some links with awesome ideas for loot (or your NPC merchants). The links below include (but are not limited to):

Belt of Pants: This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will.

Digging Spoon: This tiny spoon can dig through any substance with a forceful push.

Hungry coin:  Cursed.  Will attempt to eat other coins that it comes into contact with.  Eats 100 coins an hour.

Crossbow of Whispers (Weapon, light crossbow): You can use an action to whisper a message and fire a bolt from this weapon at a target within range. If you hit, the target (and only the target) hears the message.

Scroll of Cure Blindness: Cures blindness when read.

So… The List™ :

Dakhem Uaid’s Big Book of Useless Magic Items - 200 items, some very useful some dangerous…

Alacrity’s Robe of Useful Items - 1 single item but it’s a robe of holding (kinda)

Goblin Punch: d100 Minor Magical Items - as stated in the title.

100 Interesting Magic Items: The first half - 50 items

donjon, 5e Random Generator - Weird Magic Item generator

(1) Reddit -  3.5 Or anything. DMs of Reddit! What is one of the weirdest homebrewed items you’ve given your players, that they appreciated?

(2) Reddit -  Hilariously Useless Magical Items - Post your ideas!

RPG.NET -  101 Silly/Useless Magic Items - You need to read through 7 pages of the thread but there are some very nice ideas!

1001 most useless (dungeons and dragons) magical items - There are actually 21 of them on this list but they are really useless. It could be nice to drop something like that on the players so they can have some fun…

Now I will let @princeofsparrows to continue. He still has some things to add :)

[jack-the-dm]

This is very important.

[jack-the-dm]

A few joking D&D achievements. 

( All images used are No-Attribution Required stock images. )

[jack-the-dm]

Handy.

Architectural Nomenclature for D&D and Authors

Here is a series of diagrams I made while I was making the D&D 5e Masonry profession stuff. It’s basically a helpful guide to help describe parts of buildings, windows, and doors for us non-architects out there. Use these to narrate your dungeon using accurate descriptors, or be inspired to decorate the dungeon with these new terms! You could make corbels that are shaped like owlbears, or socles carved like dragon’s claws. Especially useful to describe where secrets can be hidden, like the lintel of a door or pilaster of a wall. I recall needing to look up the term “lintel” when there was a secret lever built into one in the Shrine of Tamoachan, so there’s definitely a use for it.

Keep in mind that some of these parts can be used for other objects, particularly furniture. For instance, a table can have an entablature and cornice, just like a roof can. A pediment can exist above a door or window. A reliquary can have crockets and pinnacles like a cathedral.

I learned a lot about architecture while researching stuff for Mason’s Tools, and wanted to share it with you guys! Remember that a wide breadth of knowledge can help you become a better overall DM!

Gothic Cathedral

Hellenistic Temple

Crenellated Wall

Interior Wall

Doors and Windows

Roofs and Domes

Arches and Vaults

Architectural Patterns

Other Decorative Terms:

Urn: Yes they put them on buildings, not just in dungeons.

Festoon: A wreath or garland hanging from two points. If it depicts cloth it is known as a swag. So yea.

Dentils: Originating as the ends of rafters, these became decoration that is repeated below a roof’s cornice. Their name means “teeth.”

Acanthus: This is the leaf that you find in a lot of architecture, especially as the capitals of Corinthian columns.

Diapering: Weird name, but basically anything that is a repeated pattern usually based on a grid that breaks up an otherwise flat space. Apparently the name comes from the Greek dia (cross/diagonal) and aspros (white)

Fleur-de-lis: If you weren’t familiar with it already, that’s what this is called:

Well that about wraps it up for today. Hope everyone was able to learn something today!

[jack-the-dm]

Being a Player, being a DM

TLDR: My DM style has been influenced a lot by my experiences playing in TTRPGs, and I think there is a lot DMs can learn from being a player

Prior to even thinking about being a DM I had been a player for a number of years. I’d played in games from 3e, 3.5, Pathfinder, and even a weird space Homebrew 5e system. I didn’t really even consider the idea of being a DM until 2017, even though I had helped out other DMs and writers with a variety of things

So when I picked up the mantle as a DM, I already had a huge well of experience on what I liked as a player. So here are just a couple things I do as a DM that I learned from being a player:

I Avoid Prophecy Plots

Or more accurate if I plan to use a prophecy, I make the prophecy about what the villains are doing (rather than the PCs) The problem I found with prophecies is that it can make it feel like the PCs HAVE to do certain things in a certain way and they can’t fail if they do those things. This can end up taking away player agency and/or taking out a feeling of risk because the players know the DM can’t kill them off because that would ruin the entire prophecy

I Don’t Know the Answer

There is a lot of thinking power between 3 or 4 players, and a lot of times if I have a puzzle or encounter the players will come to very different solution than what I expect. For this reason I design a lot of things with the mindset that I am giving the player a problem and reason out a solution to it that they come up with, rather than trying to design something with a set solution and then guiding players towards that. 

Rule of Cool

There are a LOT of things I have let my players do simply because they lead to interesting or fun outcomes. As an example, a Wizard player in my home game usually carries the spell Grease because I ruled that the grease it creates is flammable and works like Alchemist Fire or a flask of oil. When players realize they can do things in an unorthodox way, a lot of times that makes for really cool moments for them, and so whenever I can bend the rules in favor of allowing a player to do something cool, I do. 

A Tarrasque is Always an Option

This is pretty much my motto as a DM. What I mean by this is that the DM has all the power in the multiverse, and so virtually nothing the players do or are capable of doing is OP relative to the DM. I have 0 problem giving players a shiny new toy or magic item on occasion and letting them feel like their character is becoming super powerful even if that means a little extra work for me in making challenging encounters. Players LOVE getting new items to use, so the logic behind this is pretty similar to the Rule of Cool. 

So yeah, those are just a few things I do as a result of my experience as a player. 

[jack-the-dm]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝕭𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖎𝖈 𝕿𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖘 (@bardic_tales)

(via 𝕭𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖎𝖈 𝕿𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖘 on Instagram: “Many of you requested a second unlabled potion generator so here it is! … Spice up your alchemy table with these potion effects;…”)

[jack-the-dm]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝕭𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖎𝖈 𝕿𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖘 (@bardic_tales)

(via 𝕭𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖎𝖈 𝕿𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖘 on Instagram: “The final instalment has arrived! Though precious metals, rare gems and magic items all have their uses, Devils hold only one thing truly…”)

[jack-the-dm]

I’m definitely doing this.

My super advanced mapmaking technique - a handful of dice makes the map nice

[jack-the-dm]

I’m definitely going to use these.

Campaign Concept:

All the classes’ normal personalities are subverted, so, for example:

The bard is the rational, responsible one who always keeps it in their pants

The ranger is super social and loves people, is very charismatic and not at all weird

The rogue is super generous and sleeps at normal hours. They also never break off from the party to commit shenanigans

The barbarian is learned and articulate. They don’t actually like fighting all that much, though they recognize the need for it

The cleric is like a frat bro. They only joined their order because their best friend was joining, they like to fight and hate spellcasting. Also, they don’t take religion seriously

The paladin is the cleric’s best friend who actually prefers spellcasting and retroactively wishes they had become a wizard. They’re not super religious either

The druid is not in tune with nature AT ALL. They grew up in the suburbs and have only seen a tree like, thrice

The warlock is super peppy and loves bright colors, much to the chagrin of their dark, eldritch-horror patron

The sorcerer understands their magic perfectly and chooses to use it only when necessary. They’re not that good at talking to people and prefer to read books instead

The fighter, despite knowing how to use every weapon under the sun, chooses to stick with their trusty daggers, even when there’s a legendary sword three feet away. They are calm and strategic and never rush into a fight.

The monk grew up in a large, loving family who they still visit often. They are easily scared, lack common sense, and will never start a fight. Or an arm wrestling match

The wizard looks dignified and is ACTUALLY dignified

[jack-the-dm]

The Deck of Certain Things, or: The Joke Item That Almost Destroyed my Campaign

[by u/astonishingantman / reddit]

“I created this thing over two years ago as a joke item. One of my players became convinced that I was trying to trick them, and that it was a real Deck of Many Things. His paranoia spread, and the party nearly killed each other over it. After some impromptu group therapy, they decided to leave the Deck be and never speak of it again.

So now you get to use it. Have fun!”

Deck of Certain Things

Wondrous Item, Legendary

A set of 10 cards that come in a small box. “Deck of Certain Things” has been crudely carved into the box’s lid in Common.

Before you draw a card, you must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly (you can use a d10 to simulate the deck). Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, as soon as you draw a card from the deck, its magic takes effect. Each card must be drawn no more than 1 hour after the previous draw. If you fail to draw the chosen number, the remaining cards fly from the deck and take effect all at once. Once a card is drawn it cannot reappear.

Once all 10 cards have been drawn, a pair of Gloves of Thievery appear in the deck box, along with a note thanking the Deck’s owner for the fun.

The cards are decorated with shoddy-looking artwork, seemingly scribbled with crayon. They are:

Acorn: 3d8 terrified squirrels are transported to your location from elsewhere on the material plane.

Fireworks: Your weapon explodes into a shower of brightly-colored glitter. It reforms in 1 hour.

Prospector: A wooden chest containing 10,000 pieces of counterfeit gold drops at your feet. The coins show a winking jester on both sides.

Liar: For the next 1d12 hours, telling a lie causes your trousers to ignite, dealing 1d6 points of fire damage.

Honey Jar: Summons a friendly sentient bear named Sigmund, who acts as an apothecary, selling the party potions from his backpack. He vanishes after 1d20 minutes.

Wallflower: You instantly succeed on all Insight checks for 24 hours, but fail all Intimidation checks.

Invitation: An imp appears in a burst of smoke, kicks you in the shins, then vanishes.

Nightmare: All items worn on your person, with the exception of undergarments, turn invisible for 1d4 hours.

Quill: A flameskull appears in front of you, delivers a heartfelt soliloquy, then explodes in a pillar of green flame. All creatures within 5 feet must make a Dexterity saving throw or take 2d10 fire damage.

Infant: For the next hour your voice is replaced with the shrill cries of a baby. You are unable to communicate through speech or cast spells with a verbal component.

[jack-the-dm]

d100 Mildly Suspicious Village Happenings

d100 Suspicious Village Happenings 01 Suspicious murder of crows staring at strangers from rooftops and trees 02 Followed by black cat, runs away under ladder and under fence if noticed 03 Sly one eyed toad stares from crack under doorstep 04 Goat stares at visitors then makes odd screaming bleats when sees adventurers coming 05 Rats run across road and over feet 06 Chirping bird swarm about making strange noises07 Two headed lamb being inspected by villagers who then hide it from strangers 08 Huge ferocious black dog barks ferociously but stops when owner glances over 09 Horse goes wild, screaming till brutish man whips it away 10 Huge black cock crows when you enter village street 11 Group of similar looking silent children staring creepily staring at visitors 12 Little girls singing scary skipping songs 13 Boys dissecting a puppy 14 Creepy googly eyed child nodding head non stop and drooling 15 Kids chasing cat with sticks 16 Little girls playing witches with broomsticks and pets 17 Child drawing occult signs on wall with chalk 18 Kids performing ritual like game throwing flowers and chanting around mud idol 19 Woman with creepy googly eyed baby 20 Odd pale kid playing flute or other instrument follows party playing weird tune 21 Corn dolls or dogs with some bloodstains 22 Strange chalk sigils drawn over house doors 23 Burned remains with bone human teeth fragments 24 Strange costumed dancers chasing each other with sticks and demanding coins 25 Maypole dancing youths 26 Dancing led by beast mask wearer 27 Animal skulls on posts 28 Dancers in monster costume with terrible bagpipe band 29 Villagers singing strange folk song while working 30 Villagers beating scapegoat animal in ritual 31 Odd child size muddy hole behind a house 32 Bones scattered in streets locals say are from pigs 33 Happy dog running off with suspicious looking bone 34 Villagers finishing burying something look awkward and leave 35 Villager throws something in well when sees strangers 36 Merchant covers and removes some goods on display 37 Some villagers quickly eat something when they see you coming 38 Farmers quickly bury something when they see you coming 39 Strange footprints in muddy street 40 A hasty bonfire with villagers burning something smelly 41 Strange idols for sale along with normal goods 42 Weird deep sea fish being sold by bulgy eyed fish monger 43 Butcher chopping up chunks of mystery meat gleefully 44 Vendors selling curse tablets on the side 45 Candle maker boiling up foul smelling tallow for new candles 46 Baker only sells special pies to locals 47 Blacksmith makes and sells exotic knives, some for locals only 48 Carpenter stops sawing and stares at you, starts sawing when you look away 49 Tailor selling hooded capes and beast head masks for festivals 50 Shop refuses to sell to outsiders, “local shop for local folk” 51 Other villagers drag away the friendly drooling village idiot 52 Village drunk slinks away somewhere out of sight 53 Kind village elder asks how they can help you on your way 54 Old woman ask if you need healing, potions or enemies cursed 55 Man offers unusually marked pets for sale 56 Locals have interesting tattoos 57 Locals have unusual jewelry 58 Locals have unusual deformity, birthmark or other bodily feature 59 Locals have unusual turn of phrase like “we welcome strangers to our feasts” 60 Local tries to seduce party member and get them alone somewhere 61 Bountiful crops with folk idols on each plot 62 Unusual marked animal in pen alone with lots of food 63 Strange scarecrow surrounded by crows 64 Youths tormenting a animal for fun 65 Sweaty farming youths wink compellingly at strangers 66 Farmers hanging a pig from a tree to butcher it with strange knives 67 Labourers singing a strange work song 68 Local farm youths chasing a piglet with hammers 69 Farmer passionately kissing a cow 70 Farmers having break, one dancing with a goat 71 Worn stone block with old blood stains 72 Stone pillar with skull shaped niches 73 Cliff or boulder with ancient carved pictographs 74 Several old graves with archaic symbols of old faith 75 Abandoned, vandalised  shrine of popular faith 76 Headstones re purposed for building a wall 77 Church in dilapidated condition with missing symbols 78 War memorial statue with missing head and limbs 79 Stone sarcophagi covered in iron bars 80 Strange rock formation with hoof prints 81 Unusual plants in garden for poison or magic 82 Farmer tying dog to mandrake root to harvest the magical herb 83 Children gathering holly berries and leaves to build a human fetish 84 Hunters putting on wolf pelts and ointment 85 Shredded old fishing nets and broken boat unused for years 86 Corpse wrapped in blanket of nettles shoved in a bush 87 Burned remains of wicker man 88 Old man carving creepy faces in pumpkins and turnips 89 Villagers leaving out baskets of food while singing by a large boulder 90 Villager talking to farm animal ignoring strangers 91 Old woman chanting and gesturing to stars 92 Evil staring old man playing with fancy knife 93 Old women with cauldron on camp fire 94 Old woman sitting with cat having a chat 95 Fat guy gazing at strangers rubbing groin and drooling 96 Hooded figure in distance watching strangers 97 Farmer carrying bucket of blood to make bloodwurst sausages 98 Men throwing sword into a pond 99 Men throwing a dead dog and coins into a sinkhole 100 Fisherman throwing engraved wax tablet and bucket of gore into pond

[jack-the-dm]

Perfect!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝕭𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖎𝖈 𝕿𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖘 (@bardic_tales)

(via 𝕭𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖎𝖈 𝕿𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖘 on Instagram: “Though precious metals, rare gems and magic items all have their uses, Devils hold only one thing truly valuable; souls, the currency of…”)

[jack-the-dm]

So much yes in one post.

tag urself, I’m the DM

(photos are from a critical role dance party, vox machina era. I believe it’s the….4th one? Matt dances to applause if that helps)

[jack-the-dm]

So many ideas.

Wabbajack Staff

Staff, Legendary (Needs Attunement)

This is a Remaster of the Wabbajack. This stave holds the magic that not even most gods understand. The wielder of this weapon can become the most powerful being in the world, or simply die the first time they use it.

This staff has 3 charges and regains 1d4 expended charges daily at dawn. Every time you use this stuff, one charge is used and you get to make 3 rolls in one turn. Roll a d100 (an online one can be found here at https://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm), the outcomes are listed below. Once the first outcome happens, roll another d100 for the second, and then again for the third outcome. This staff is cursed, and the owner can never get rid of it unless it is given to a new owner directly. If the staff is to be separated from its owner, it teleport’s back to the owner’s hand. If the owner is to transform into a creature that is unable to wield a staff, it vanishes and re-appears when the owner is turned back to normal or into something that can wield a staff.

Goodluck…

1 – Heal 1d4 to every creature within 30ft of the Caster

2 – Your speed becomes 5ft

3 – The closest Humanoid to you pukes

4 – The target becomes paralysed for 1 round

5 – A random creature within 15ft takes 1d4 of fire damage

6 – A random creature within 30ft is blinded for 1 round

7 – The closest bird within 2000ft flies to your location, Pooing and hitting yourself or anyone close to you.

8 – The clouds begin to rain for 1hour

9 – If you have eaten anything in the past 4 hours, you take 1d4 cold damage

10 – You cast the spell Arms of Hadar with level 5 damage (6d6 Necrotic Damage)

11 – You cast Shield of Faith on yourself and one other ally of choice

12 – You cast Animate Dead on the closest dead body or pile of bones within 100ft

13 – You turn a random creature within 20ft into a rabbit for 2 rounds

14 – The Target takes 2d4 of lightning damage

15 – You sneeze…

16 – You begin to cry…

17 – All hostile creatures within 30ft immediately target you, no matter what their current task is

18 – You gain 1d10 Temporary hit points

19 – You trip over, taking 1d4 damage

20 – You prepare the spell Destructive Wave and can choose to use it anytime within the next 5min

21 – You sprout wings made of magical energy for 1 hour, your flying speed is 20ft

22 – You conjure a Tiger to fight for you for 10 minutes

23 – All Active effects from this staff are neutralised, and all charges are depleted.

24 – You fart…

25 – You cast Magic Missile at a Level of 5 (7 darts total)

26 – You become invisible for 1 round

27 – You grant a hostile creature within 30 feet shield of faith

28 – You drop your staff

29 – You lose Dark vision for 30min

30 – You are granted 1 extra attack in all fights for the next 24 hours

31 – You gain Dark vision for 30min

32 – You cast Banishment on a random creature within 30ft

33 – You gain the Cantrip Witchbolt until you short rest or long rest

34 – You find 3x as much gold (to a maximum of 500) the next time you loot a body or chest that contains at least 1 gold.

35 – You choke on a fly

36 – You cast Hellish Rebuke with Level 1 damage on the target (2d10 Fire Damage)

37 – You forget your name, and someone must remind you of it

38 – You gain the Cantrip Shocking Grasp until you short rest or long rest

39 – You have a muscle spasm, throwing your staff at the nearest creature within 30ft

40 – You cast Guardian of Faith

41 – You must succeed on a Charisma saving throw of 15 or be intimidated by yourself

42 – You gain the Cantrip Mage Hands until you short or long rest

43 – You turn into a Horse for 30min, your movement speed is 60ft

44 – Nature calls…

45 – Your staff transform’s into a Conjured Longsword for 2 rounds, the sword deals 1d10 damage.

46 – You are only able to “moo” like a cow for the next 1hour

47 – You deal 1d10 fire damage to a random hostile creature within 30ft

48 – You transform into a wolf for 30min

49 – Your HP is reduced by half (Rounded Down)

50 – Your HP is increased by half, Gaining temporary hit points if exceeding the max (Rounded Up)

51 – All your used charges are replenished

52 – Your gain Resistance to Piercing and slashing damage for 1 hour

53 – You shrink down to half your size

54 – You grow an extra arm for 1 hour, but the arm has a mind of its own (the arm is controlled by the DM)

55 – The target takes 1d10 Radiant Damage

56 – You gain the Cantrip Ray of Frost until you short rest or long rest

57 – Your speed is now 40ft

58 – You gain Resistance to Fire damage for 1 hour

59 – Deal 1d6 of Necrotic Damage to the nearest creature

60 – The next time you roll an outcome that you view as “negative”, you can choose any creature within 60ft to put that effect on.

61 – You transform into a Camel with a speed of 20ft, for 15min

62 – You become paralysed in your left leg for 10min, your speed is now 20ft

63 – You become hungry… for blood, until you consume the blood of a creature, you take 1d4 Radiant Damage for every 1min your in the sunlight.

64 – You identify your Allies as enemies and your enemies as allies for 15 seconds

65 - All your Gold coins turn into silver Coins

66 – You gain the Cantrip Fire Bolt until you short rest or long rest

67 – You gain immunity/weakness to Fire damage. If you are immune to it, you become vulnerable. If you are already vulnerable, you obtain an immunity to it. If you are not immune or vulnerable, you gain vulnerability.

68 – You deal 1d10 of Thunder damage to the target

69 – You Summon a spectral wolf to help you fight for 5min, its stats are of half your level (rounded down), and the summoner controls it

70 – You gain 3 charges of the Eldritch Blast cantrip. You cast this at a 17th level. Your charges are able to stack and stay there until you use them

71 – All enemies have an advantage on attack rolls when they melee attack you until you long rest

72 – All hostile creatures within 30ft heal 2d4

73 – All attack rolls and damage rolls made on you are made with disadvantage until you make 2 long rest’s

74 – You cast Spike Growth centred on your position

75 – You age by 1 year

76 – All creatures within 30ft take 1d6 cold damage

77 – The closest Creature to you turns into a penguin

78 – You cast Phantasmal Killer on the target

79 – You get a splinter on your thumb

80 – The closest ally deals an extra 1d20 damage, the next time they deal at least 1 damage

81 – You deal 1d4 acid damage to the closest creature within 30ft

82 – You cast Grasping Vine

83 – You understand all languages for 2 hours

84 – Your age decreases by 1, to a minimum of 12

85 – It begins to snow for 1 hour

86 – You become wild… You crave the kill of a creature with your bare hands. Your unarmed attack rolls and damage rolls have a +5 modifier. Until you kill a creature in this way, you have restless sleep and you wake up from long rests with max HP less 2d8 HP.

87 – You deal 1d6 psychic damage to the closest hostile creature within 60ft

88 – You trip over…

89 – You fall in love with the closest non-hostile object/creature within 30ft, for 1hour

90 – You cast the spell Conjure Celestial, it has a challenge rating of 5 and obeys the commands of the caster

91 – You cast Aura of Vitality

92 – You take 1d4 psychic damage

93 – The furthest PC takes 1d8 of poison damage, And you heal the damage done, gaining temporary hit points if you exceed your max HP

94 – The next time an ally attacks within 30ft of you, he gains Shield of faith

95 – You become Ethereal for 30 seconds, you cannot harm or be harmed in this time

96 – You attempt to make a truce with the closest hostile that understands a language you speak, you use the persuasion skill and you have double proficiency for the check

97 – The next time you are asked a question, you must answer truthfully

98 – You let off a strong odour that only wolves and dogs can smell, for the next 1 hour, wolves and dogs from all over the land are hunting you.

99 – You gain 1 charge of the spell revivify, these charges do not stack.

100 – Make a wish… (You cast the wish spell or you can choose to charge it and use it later, these charges do not stack), you do not suffer the negative effects of stress when casting wish in this way, instead your staff must recharge using a Long rest.