jadelathetranny

[jadelathetranny]

Dear Jadela,

Guess what we are up to today. We are meeting up with the one and only Jessica Sosa! Yes the one from the ancient text only heard of in lore. I'm nervous. But mainly excited. I'm not sure what to expect and i think that's a good thing. Go into this with no expectations and see her for her. Listen and talk. Catch up and have a conversation with her. Laugh, cry, enjoy her. The simple things in life like reconnecting with an old friend who you had considered family at one point. If there is anyone you could confine in it would be her. But, also remember and take accountability of your actions and the fact that you pushed her away. The dissolution of our friendship in the past is confusing and tangled. Acknowledge that, you cant pretend it didn't happen.

I'm curious as to why now. In the past I've reached out before. But why now is she an hour away driving to meet me at this cafe? What does the universe have in store for us. Do i need her? Does she need me? Do we need each other? I hope so. How I've missed her, and how badly i need and crave companionship.

I'm so filled with joy. At this moment I'm present and i recognize the beauty around me. All the possibilities, its all so exciting and I'm so grateful for all the opportunities that have presented themselves. I'm doing the foundation work and slowly planting seeds and tending to them with love and care. I speak the manifestations into the universe and claim all that is meant for me.

[jadelathetranny]

Dear Sam,

Here we are again. Months later, forever since I've even posted an entry. You are no longer a constant ray of sun light in my life (which has been a struggle) but something that I've learned to be okay with. Whether I've wanted to or not isn't really the question but i guess that gives it the "lessoned learned title". I'm pretty sure we don't want to learn lessons but rather they are thrusted upon us when we least expect it and whether wed like it or not.

Anyway, here we are. "Back Back Back again" in a new era of adulthood. Its very exciting. Terrifying and lonely but we are in a much different place mentally physically, even financially. Although not that different financially lol. Regardless we are not the same person since we've last spoken. You don't know me anymore :) which is such a beautiful thing to be honest. Because i don't know you anymore either, and the thought of us getting to re introduce our selves to each other is a truly precious thing that i would be so grateful for if the universe allows our paths to cross again. I think it would be a beautiful experience to get to reintroduce myself to anyone, exciting. Growth and improvement is a glorious thing to go through and id love to see that in people i used to know. "how have you changed? how have you learned and grown? how have to preserved and suffered? how have you loved and cried? how have you LIVED?" These are the questions i want to know. Because the human experience is so exciting and personal, connection and love is all we have. We are the universe experiencing itself, we are all one but also separate individuals with experiences that we can only understand at a limited level in this life time. Conversing and connection is the closest we can get to seeing each others souls.

[jadelathetranny]

Dear Sam,

Well, yesterday it happened again. Leaving Halcyon after a failed attempt of reaching out to my community, i made a silly decision (which i recognized at the time and even more so now) I accepted a ride home from a random dude driving a Hitler Mobile (Tesla) And while at the time i didn't know but he would attempt to have sex with me. Well, i cannot say i didn't anticipate it. I'm hot shit these days and i catch the eyes of many, so i was prepared to turn down to any advances (well at least any consensual advances) that being said he made advances that were non-consensual leading to a bruised lip and a heavy feeling of violation and disgust. Disgust with myself. I remember after i was finally able to crawl out of his car, i walked into my house. I was confused, upset, all of these things that i cant really put into words. I felt tears but they weren't there. Phantom tears; what this tells me is that I'm holding it in? Maybe. I don't believe i processed it in that moment. I remember wanting to cry, but i couldn't muster up the energy? Maybe i couldn't muster up the permission to cry? To allow myself to feel what just happened. This is all so much to process and understand and feel. I kind of feel like its not a big deal but at the same time i feel like I'm internalizing the whole situation along with a slew of other fucked up shit that has been happening in my life. I feel like i am a "problem" right now. A pure liability to those around me which fucking sucks dick and balls.

Enters Tuesday. Someone who entered my life fairly recently that has me very excited, TOO excited even. That being said, he has mentioned a couple times how he has no room for liabilities in his life. Rightfully so; i mean, neither do i: Josue for a quick example. But this brings a concern to mind, that i am a liability and i do not have a place in his life long term. This feels so devastating because he's someone i so desperately want in my life, almost to a point of need. He is someone that i want to align myself with. The fact that he acts with such kindness and authenticity is really appealing, attractive as well but i value those qualities and want them encouraged at all times. I want to surround myself with people of like-mindedness to uplift me, encourage me and correct me, and he is someone who i can see taking into the next era of my life. He has a sweetness to him, a beauty, a gentleness that is so refreshing that i am scared of losing it. I've gotten a taste and i want to see where this goes, i want the full course meal that is Tuesday and dessert to go along with it. Is this so wrong? Is it so wrong to genuinely see him in my life for a while? Is it so wrong to WANT him in my life? I deserve greatness and i believe there's greatness in this man. I feel it. But, at the same time. Am i the counter part for him? And that brings me here. Does he deserve me? A young girl that has the whole world in front of her waiting for her to take the chance and reach for it? A young girl who has mistakes to make, plenty of them. A young girl, who might not be what he needs. And most importantly a young girl who has been assaulted twice in the span of two weeks. I know how insane this sounds too. Trust me. I have the voice in my head that's aware of how hypocritical this all sounds. I have not come to terms with the facts of these assaults and i still very much feel responsible. So, how could he want or need someone who has allowed herself to be assaulted multiple times over the past couple of years? How does he want or need someone who cannot stand up for herself? HOW DOES HE WANT OR NEED ME? Maybe i wouldn't want or need me and that's why I'm putting that on him. Trying to push the way i feel about myself onto someone else to enforce the negative feelings i have about myself??? A lot of words that was LOL

I'm gonna wrap this up very quickly but my game plan for the week is as follows:

-Talk to Tuesday

-Talk to my therapist

-File a police report

Lets see how this goes :)

[jadelathetranny]

Dear Sam,

I wanna be great. This is a really huge and loaded thought with a lot of emotion behind it rather than any logical thinking. I feel writing it out will help me understand what I mean by "great", pinpoint where this manic thought process is coming from, and maybe find out how I can use this energy to push and encourage my goals that are currently playing in my head right now like an inspirational movie montage. The main goal knocking on the door of my head right now is pursuing and being consistent with my passions and hobbies. I want to be successful, but I feel that the dopamine released at the thought of the goal and not completing the goal itself is going to lead to unfulfilled results yet again; I've found in the past I've let these emotions and excitement ruin the actual pursuit of them. I'm like edging myself HARDCORE and it has left me blue-balled way too many times to count. I'd like my awareness of it this time to challenge and push past edging myself and actually pursue these goals for some real genuine and earned excitement of completion. Essentially, I WANNA CUM.

I just finished watching a YouTube video about motivation and more specifically getting motivated to draw and hone one's craft. I found this rather interesting and motivating as the content really hit close to my personal goals (in art specifically) as well as really understanding dopamine and how it can affect motivation. I feel equipped to push past the "edge" and meet my goals, not just with my art but with my others as well.

I've definitely noticed recently with my blog this burst of motivation to write, and just a few days after my first post I have not released another one despite my self-appointed schedule. I've been writing but I haven't been editing and really perfecting my entries enough to post. I'm doing the fun part of writing putting the pen to paper, BUT I'm avoiding the "hard" part which in reality is the most crucial: transcending words on paper into Writing. I think this is a perfect example of pushing past the part where dopamine might no longer be motivating me but rather the prospect of improving my writing will motivate me.

This whole dopamine idea really has me thinking. Not just when it comes to goals but literally anything and everything. Not everything is going to be "fun" and "exciting" Hard work has to be done and I think there have been too many times in my short life when I've quit or abandoned things due to excuses that were simply just bullshit. Plain and simple: I gave up. And this is no longer something I can stand and watch happen before my eyes. I wanna be a great artist. get off your ass and do the work. Period.

[jadelathetranny]

Dear Sam,

Hello again. So I have to be honest. I think the catalyst for creating a blog to was to better articulate some of the issues I've been having with my relationship. First, some background, I have been in a relationship going on 5 months now and I suck :P Seriously I've been having a hard time navigating my emotions and how best to express myself in this relationship. This is my first relationship and it is becoming very apparent that I do not have any idea what I'm doing. This makes sense since this is a first-time thing for me I just tend to think I should know everything, which proves to be its own challenge. But I digress. I feel as though I am actively hurting our relationship. See, I love Sam. Very much. I feel that my absence of a romantic partner or even success in my platonic friendships hurt him and I hate that. I hate that it reflects in our relationship. I understand that I should give myself more grace with such a new experience but I often find myself wishing that it wasn't such a costly toll on each of us.

I shared with him the other night a scary thought, but a thought that remains true. "I don't think I was ready for a relationship when we first met." I'd say most people have their first relationship at much younger ages than me a 22-year-old. (yes, this is stupid) I just wish I had a few other relationships under my belt to make mistakes with rather than risk losing the love of my life. I wish I was just better prepared for him. I hate subscribing him to someone insecure and naive in love. I let my past relationships and trauma infect our relationship like mold on last week's leftovers but refuse to toss it out. -The dilemma: I hurt someone I claim to care about but I cannot even begin to think of a world without him. Is this selfish? Or am I putting complete faith in my man?

Dear Sam, I don't want you to read these excerpts. Even though they are technically addressed to you I think this is a fun way to open up talking points with myself. As if I am simply writing a silly little letter directly to the love of my life. I will say I should also prioritize speaking to you In person as it is becoming painfully clear that I have communication problems I need to work through with you to grow. I would like to use these as "screeners" if you will. A filter of thought and processing that needs to happen before I talk to you in person. I don't want this to be a buffer between us, I just feel like I need to practice talking about my feelings. Hypocritical as this sounds: to work on talking with you I gotta type it out on a blog :) I'm new to this and I'm trying my best so bear with me world. We are gonna get better.

[jadelathetranny]

ur mom

[jadelathetranny]

Hello,

Hi. My name is Jadela. A 22-year-old transwoman trying my best to navigate through this complex and confusing world. "Groundbreaking revolutionary stuff I know" But I would like to use this platform to take a step back and reflect on myself. This shit is becoming exceedingly hard and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing or who I am. I'm hoping to get in touch with the inner writer inside of me, despite that, I will not be super critical of grammar cus I'm a dumb fuck lol and this is supposed to be a fun place to unpack the cluster fuck that is Jadela's brain. I wanna touch on subjects of love, mental health, politics, friendships (relationships in general) humanity, womanhood, and whatever the fuck pops into my head because if I hadn't made myself clear IM LOSING MY MIND. I'm excited to give this a try. I want to be very fluid with this to avoid making rules that could discourage moving forward with this blog. I'm easily swayed by the daily emotions that could convince me that I am perfectly fine and do not need to write a blog to deal with my current reality.

I want to make my goal clear, to me and to readers if reading. This is a space where I want to freely share my thoughts unbiased and reflect on my existence. I want to challenge myself to be conscious of what I'm here to do and be consistent with it. I fear I've been too easy to quit on things or rather too quick to make empty excuses. I owe this to myself. Ultimately this is for me and myself. I've been watching the series "Interview With a Vampire" so think of this as a very loose, unorganized personal adaptation called "Interview With a Transwoman" Welcome to the pilot, and I hope you stay along for the journey.

[jadelathetranny]

REBECCA SUGAR WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[jadelathetranny]

Soooooooo too all those people who thought they were legs congrats I literally thought that was bullshit

[jadelathetranny]

After disassembly with “pink”

[jadelathetranny]

HOPE THIS HAS NOT BEEN DONE YET! I HAD TO DO IT!!!

[jadelathetranny]

Me Pre-White Diamond reveal: time 4 another hot wife

Me Post-Reveal:

[jadelathetranny]

Raise your hand if you’re scared of White Diamond 🙋‍♀️🙃

[jadelathetranny]

So god really is a woman

[jadelathetranny]

my reaction to the new episode 

[jadelathetranny]

speedpaint

[jadelathetranny]

🎼All I wanna do, is see you turn in to a giant robot ❤️