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[jaicarbonilla]

Stay Tuned

This blog is officially under renovation.

I will be rebranding this blog to suit my life more now. But don't worry books are still a part of it as it always should be. I will be changing my url but I will not let go of my tag for thebookgoddess as it will signify if the post is book related. I have met a lot of booklrs because of this tag and it's a very special part of me already that I can't even imagine doing a blog completely erasing it.

Life is a puzzle that we try to complete daily, it makes up of these pieces that makes your life clearer and whole. And I want this blog to represent my current life now, that means introducing other pieces of me that sparks joy in my life. You have known thebookgoddess for how many years now and I am so excited for you guys to finally meet the real person behind the books. Who knows, we might have more in common than just our love for books.

So I hope you accept my decision to rebrand and to venture to more things. I love you all, and see you in my next post!

[jaicarbonilla]

Here again

I can't believe that I was able to open this again. This little blog of mine is still here! I was curious, recently I have been having small bursts of energy to read books and I have been saving some in my TBR, when I remembered that I have this. I tried to open it a few times and with luck here I am again!

I don't know if I want to continue this as purely a book blog or just fill it with the nonsense things that are going on in my life. I'll fill it with books, films, TV shows, K-pop, and all sorts of stuff I have loved these past years. But I guess that's up to me right? The name of the blog is the-bookgoddess though, and I have the tags for it. I have to think about it more. I'm just rambling here because I'm excited to be back! Well, that's it for now. See you again!

[jaicarbonilla]

It's been almost four days since you left this world and the hole you left in my heart is getting bigger each day. I kept on thinking about what else I could have done for you and what else was I capable of giving to you. The thing is I made a choice for you thinking that I don't want you to continue to suffer, to continue to cry in pain, and to continue running after me even if you no longer can't. I was hurting seeing you like that, and now sometimes I think I made a selfish decision based on my emotions.

I replay those last days in my mind, you were sick, and your health was degrading super fast, we could no longer keep up with it, and in just three days after I saw the first couple of bruises, your pain was no longer tolerable for you and for me. I regret being busy enough that I could not get you to a hospital the very first day. I regret that I wasn't able to really see what was going on before that. I regret ignoring the first tell signs of how sick you were becoming. My mind was saying this is just one of your phases again, that you were sick of the food and wanted something new, that you were afraid of the rain that's why you kept on climbing to the bed to cuddle with me, and that you just didn't want me to leave that's why you kept on following me even in the toilet.

You were gradually becoming clingy, and now that I think about it I guess you were trying to tell me that you needed me to be there for you and to take care of you because you were in pain. I guess it is my fault. What if I didn't bring you back here with me? What if I let you stay with mom? Would that have made any difference? Would you have been sick there? I don't know.

But really, what I want to say is that I'm grateful that you were here with me. You tolerated my quirks more than anyone else, you were ready to play when my sudden bursts of energy appear, you were there ready to be hugged when I was crying at night, and you calmed me down when no one else was there when I had my anxiety attacks. I tend to keep to myself, everyone knows that, especially when I'm having a hard time, but what they didn't know is I could do all that because I had you by my side. You were my safe place, you were my guard, and you were my shield. You were overprotective of me, you didn't like anyone else in my house, especially the ones that you didn't know, my mood changed yours, when you thought I was in trouble you were already stepping up to cover me. You were a big funny dog, you always made me laugh.

Now, this house feels smaller, feels lonelier without you. No other dog, not even any human, can replace your presence here and in my life. You will always be my baby boy. You will always be my Bully. You will always have my love. I will always carry that guilt with me, I made the decision, a selfish one, yes, but I made it because I love you. So this is me, saying goodbye and I hope when we see each other again you will run up to me and give mommy a proper hug. I love you Bully.

[jaicarbonilla]

Letter No. 2

I had a dream about you last night. Multiple scenes replaying in my head, but the clearest one was this:

We were out together with our friends, eating at a restaurant for lunch. You weren't supposed to be seated in front of me but you asked someone to switch with you when I sat down. I didn't mind, we were friends, there was supposed to be no malice in that action. But deep inside, my heart was fluttering. I was talking to a friend seated beside me, my right hand was on the table absently open for you to reach out and you did, I stopped midsentence, my breathing suddenly pausing in surprise at the warmth of your skin on mine. When I looked at our hands, it felt so real, and then I looked at you and a huge grin was on your face that I couldn't stop my lips from smiling as well. You gave a nonchalant shrug as if to say go on with my conversation and don't mind that you were holding my hand, but I couldn't just ignore it, so I let go.

I woke up with a tingly feeling on my lonely right hand as if to remind me that yes I was all alone and it was just a dream. How could I forget? Maybe you're even actually holding the hand of the person you love right now, and yes, it isn't me.

It doesn't matter if it was just a dream or it takes place in our reality because by the end of it I have to be the one to let go. I could feel the spark turning into beautiful small flames, and I cannot let it grow fiercer, I cannot let the flames engulf me that I have nowhere else to go but be burned by it. I won't let myself be hurt by someone who isn't mine in the first place. My heart is too fragile for such heartbreak. I just don't know what I feel about my decision on stopping my feelings for you, but it is the right one, I know that for sure.

Letting go takes courage and strength, time and patience, and I have all of those things. The daydreaming and the heart flutters need to stop, it's not healthy. I know that I can still fall for you and decide it's not what's meant for me. I know I can still miss you but continue to let you go. I know these are my feelings and I have the right to feel them. Sometimes, we have to break our hearts for our souls to be at peace and that's what I decided to do.

Maybe, just maybe, when all of these are said and done, when we're a little bit older and wiser, I can look in your eyes again and just feel the fondness of being your friend. I can be held by you without my heart skipping a beat at the touch of your skin. But for now, I'm only chaos to your thoughts and you are a poison invading my heart, and for that I have to say goodbye.

[jaicarbonilla]

i love hard.

sandarafreedompark | rosamund hodge | venetta o. | sculpture by gian lorenzo bernini | richard siken | a softer world | anaïs nin | nicke zimov | vladimir nabokov | crimson peak, dir. guillermo del toro 

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Harry Potter posters

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Letter no. 1

Hi, 

I would never have the courage to send this to you, I write it just to settle my mind and feelings for you. I don’t mind that you’ll never know about this, in fact, I hope you never have to read this.

It’s just that I’ve been bottling up these emotions inside of me regarding you, and I feel like it’s slowly starting to fill up day by day. I find myself thinking of you yet again today, even though I’m trying so hard not to. I tell myself every day not to talk about you, or even search for you on social networks. But every time I check my messenger and see you online, I find myself hoping I would get a ping from you, hoping to get closer to you, and hoping to get to know you better. But here I am, left disappointed by my very own selfish expectation.

It worries me how much I crave your attention. It makes me feel guilty for wishing that my name would cross your mind, your heart. It gives me anxiety how much I yearn for another small moment with you, regardless of the people surrounding us. I know you don’t feel the same way. I know you only play along with everyone’s teasing. I know you love someone else, and that makes me sorry for not being able to control my own heart.

Essentially, I’m sorry for myself, because I’m here again in this state where I am falling for someone I definitely know I can’t have. I’m sorry for myself because my feelings are getting out of my hand. I’m sorry for myself because I’m putting myself at risk of getting hurt again, actually, no, it’s not a risk anymore, I truly know that I’ll get hurt by this.

But what do I do? What can I do to make this stop? How does someone move on from someone that wasn’t theirs in the first place? How do you stop liking someone? Why can’t I control this?

It’s getting more difficult the more I consult with my closest friends, the more I talk about you with them, it’s like hammering another nail to fix your place in my heart. The more I try to say that I’m going to stop, that I’ll eventually stop, the more I feel the emotion growing. I’m so confused about what attracted me to you this much, I mean, I know why, but how can it rapidly consume me like this? Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning from all these bottled-up feelings, and for a non-swimmer like me, realistically and mentally, this is probably the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. 

I’m past the 4 months point mark of crushing on you, and day by day I feel myself falling. Since day one I knew you were out of my reach, but that didn’t stop me from feeling the way I feel right now. I’ve admitted already that this was no longer a crush, it turned into something deeper, and every day it is getting stronger.

So forgive me if I suddenly try to not talk to you anymore, try to avoid you as much as I can, and try to entertain somebody else, I think this will be the best way to not get anyone hurt. I’ll be back as your friend when I really can call myself just your friend. So for now, let me enjoy this as much as I can before I say goodbye and see you soon.

[jaicarbonilla]

It has been a while since I felt flutters in my heart. I never planned for it to happen, I avoided it as much as I could. I sincerely wanted to enjoy being with myself this time, with no dependency on anyone for my happiness. I wanted to be free of the concept that you need a partner in life at this age to be genuinely happy, to be able to move on to better things like marriage and stuff. I wanted to be free and single for a while, not tied down by anyone. Then you came along, signaling things that I’ve already forgotten about. Without knowledge of it, you continue to spark my love language. It’s the little things that got me invested in what you will do the next time we meet. It’s actually very easy to make me fall for someone, consistent acts of service is what gets me plus quality time. I remember the first time we actually hang out and talk, a lot of my friends immediately notice how you kept on wanting to be in a conversation with me, what they don’t know is I actually noticed you before that night in the club. And then there were the acts of service that you constantly do, at first I thought it was just how you were, like you were just really kind and helpful to all, but you were actually doing it only to me in our circle. I can’t help but assume, I’m sorry. I saw you again last night, it has been a while. I actually didn’t want to go because I knew in my heart I was already anticipating what you’ll do or say. I sat very far away from you, to avoid unnecessary skinship, still you had your ways of reaching to me. I pretended not to notice how you were attentive to what I was doing and what I needed at the moment, I played it cool, cold actually, like I couldn’t care less that you were there, but when you weren’t looking, my eyes were on you. I have no idea how to make you stop, nor have no idea if I even want to, but I need to because you’re in a relationship already. You have said it time and time again, your girlfriend this and that, in front of everyone, in front of me. So I’ll continue to hide these feelings from you, until I no longer feel them, then maybe I can finally look you in the eyes and consider you as my friend.

[jaicarbonilla]

The Auction by Lovesbitca8

Synopsis:

In the wake of the Dark Lord’s triumph over Harry Potter, the defeated must learn their new place. Hermione Granger, former Golden Girl, has been captured and reduced to human chattel. Sold to the highest bidder as the top prize at an auction of Order members and sympathizers, she is thrust into the rabid, waiting hands of the Death Eaters. But despite the horrors of Voldemort’s new world, help—and hope—seem to arise from the most unlikely of places.

Review : (Contain Spoilers)

*PURELY MY OPINION, AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOURS IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE.

This is the AU for the Rights and Wrongs series of Lovesbitca8 where Voldemort won and the women and men who were on the other side of the war were captured and sold in an Auction, bided on by the Death Eaters or any influential family for that matter who is on the side of the Dark Lord. You can read this on its own or after the first two parts of the series since this is an AU. I preferred and what I did was read the first two before this one since it gives more of that impact on what could have been or what would have happened if things were different. So you can check out the fanfiction here -> The Auction (do read the trigger warnings)

The Auction was tackled on the TRTTD/ATWT story, it was a catalyst for “The Wall” that Hermione made, and I’m glad that the author made an AU diving into this darker reality of going through that event. Having said that, let’s get on with the review.

Okay, I’m just going to let it out, maybe it’s because I read one after the other but I don’t really know the published date of The Auction versus Manacled, but I find them vaguely similar in terms of the whole vibe of it. Manacled was just a bit darker especially at the start and the way it dived into the rape and trauma content. Comparing The Auction to it, this had parts that were darker but never really involving the two main characters, it revolved in their surroundings though. Both had explicit non-consensual sexual content but they gave it in different manners. You can read my review on Manacled here. So enough about that, I just wanted that to be out there.

Focusing mainly on The Auction now, knowing what I read on TRTTD/ATWT, this AU gives just the right amount of light and dark in a fanfiction. It’s not too heavy, and it’s not flimsy either. It starts after Harry dies and Hermione finds herself following Narcissa Malfoy searching for her son and urging him to leave with her and hide from all of the things about to happen. Just from the conversation they had, you’ll find already the conviction of Draco to not leave Hermione behind especially knowing about the auction that the Death Eaters were talking about.

I find that this harsh reality of sex slave trade a bit stretched but not impossible, knowing that these men and women were focused on revenge and suppressing the good from overtaking them again. Of course they would want a continued humiliation and that showcase of power to all to remind everyone that they won. Reading that the Dark Lord wasn’t really interested in the trade rather was invested in claiming all the other countries and was just tolerating or just turned a blind eye to it just so that he can give that moral boost to his supporters was a possibility, and I’m glad that the author thought about it. He was no longer human, barely has a soul left, but his focus was on spreading his reign throughout the other countries, that’s what driven him from the very start, power, and I’m just glad that there wasn’t an explicit content on whether Ginny was raped by him, it was just noted that she was his pet and was most of time with him. I don’t think I would have read further if there was a descriptive story on that. I just can’t imagine, and I won’t.

I don’t know why, but I kind of respect Lucius here. Like, he’s doing his best to give Draco what he wants and what he needs, but also doing enough so that he doesn’t get into trouble. I like that concept of him knowing that Draco loves Hermione and would do anything for her, and Lucius would be there to make sure that Hermione is safe for Draco, and would do anything for them because that is Draco’s happiness right there. That scene after Edinburgh raid, where he went into Hermione’s mind and saw that Hermione loves Draco, that line where he said if you love him stop trying to get him killed, or something like that, was perfect. He is still that man who can kill for Voldemort and would do any of his biddings as long as it doesn’t cross with Draco’s safety, but now he is also the man who loves Narcissa so much, loves Draco so much, that he knew when to act harsh or act smart. 

I still love Narcissa here, not as much as I love her in TRTTD/ATWT, that was cute and light, here it was deeper, more motherly, more mature, you can see her struggle on trying to maintain composure at all times while her husband and son is out there on the battlefield. You can see her trying to still act harsh but defends Hermione as much as she can when needed. She knew when to let Draco and Hermione choose their own paths without any second opinion from her, especially when they were trying to get the antidote for the tattoos. But you can’t change the fact that Draco is her son, and would beg Hermione to let him leave with her so that they can be safe until everything is settled. I love that the author gave that.

Plot wise, I like the fact that there was an Edinburgh plot. I don’t like what was happening, but I love that it was there. Because that is what to be expected, once you have these slave girls, there’s bound to be a club of some sort, where they display them like trophies and show how they broke these women into the shell that they now are. There wasn’t any detailed plot on the men side, but there were snippets, like Seamus and Justin’s fight.  On the women side, you can read how they can trade girls for galleons for a night, and how they are reduced into this waitress/prostitute beings, how they are forced to do all sorts of things for these men in power.

I don’t want to go too detailed about it, because this will be a lengthy read if I did but yeah, the flow of the story was so good, the parts where Draco and Hermione slowly started to trust each other, ultimately missing each other and confessing their love for one another had a great timing overall. Draco’s possessiveness and protectiveness of Hermione was just the right amount to play on both sides, like it was enough for the dark side to think of it as some ploy about being an only child and not learning how to share, and enough for Hermione to think that Draco actually cares for her. I love how the author thought about the ways Draco prevented any suspicions on Hermione’s lifestyle in the Manor, how the whole family actually kept with the charade. It was all well thought. Even the ending, that was smart. I believe with this plot that it was fairly possible that the epilogue would have been the best case scenario. I love that it was in Cornerstone, like it just tugs at my heart.

Overall, there were parts that I skimmed through, but it was a great read. 4 stars!

See you soon!

[jaicarbonilla]

The Right Thing To Do and All The Wrong Things by Lovesbitca8

Synopsis of The Right Thing To Do:

Hermione felt the pounding in her ears again. She would see him for the first time since the Great Hall, gaunt and stricken at the Slytherin table with his mother clutching his arm. She hadn't meant to look for him. Not in the corridors, not beneath the white sheets of the fallen, not on the way to the Chamber of Secrets with Ron, but she was a stupid girl.

Synopsis of All The Wrong Things:

Sequel to "The Right Thing to Do" - Draco's POV. Part 2 of the "Rights and Wrongs" series. Friday, August 27, 1999 They’re murmuring again. Trying to keep their voices low so the prisoner can’t hear. But the prisoner is fifteen feet away, and they are failing. I wish they would take me out of the room if they need to discuss. Bring me back to the small room I was in this morning. But, of course, they let me stand in this cage in the middle of them. On display. I pick a spot four feet in front of me and maintain my gaze. I don’t want to look at them and I don’t want to fall asleep. I feel a yawn. “Mr. Malfoy. Your next witness is here. Are you ready to proceed?” I almost smile. Do I have a choice?

Review : (May Contain Spoilers)

*PURELY MY OPINION, AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOURS IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE.

Yes, I’m doing another fanfiction review! And yes, it’s another Dramione fanfic, because it’s the only fanfiction I read. So if y’all don’t like this pairing, that’s fine with me, just let me love them. If you want to check it out, you can read them here -> Rights and Wrongs , the first two which are the ones I’m reviewing here, is set after the war and is sort of canon in that sense, but of course there are bits and pieces in the backgrounds that are not, especially revolving the two main characters, the first one is in Hermione’s POV, and the second one is in Draco’s. And if you know this series, yes, I’ve read The Auction and I’ll make a separate review on it.

First, I appreciate the fact that the author included this history of a secret love, a love slowly burning through the years, and just gives you these bits and pieces of information on the secret glances, the maturing of their infatuation, like even Lucius and Narcissa, and Henry and Jean (If I remember correctly) knew from the start when Draco and Hermione were still kids and how Draco’s irritation for this single girl cannot just be from annoyance but from intrigue and infatuation. I just love the snippets of backstories that the author gave, it just adds to the whole star-crossed lovers vibe.

Next, I imagined that happening canonically, how Harry and Hermione eventually testifies for the Malfoys, accounting their resistance in actually going through the tasks given to them by Voldemort, and their help to the Order of the Phoenix. How their every move were motivated by their love for family and self-preservation, because it was a war not everyone will have the guts to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, some just has the strength to save themselves and their family no matter how they do it or the consequences after. Not everyone can be sorted to Gryffindor and save kittens from trees. 

Before I dive into the main characters let me start of by saying I just love the growth of the characters, everyone, like they no longer have this war shadow looming over them, they can just be free. Their teenage years were taken away from them by this war and they had to mature fast, but this, post-canon, shows how if things were different, Draco and Harry might have been friends, Hermione and Pansy might have gotten along just fine, like, heck, Pansy, gosh, I think this is the first Dramione fanfiction that I can honestly say that I like Pansy’s role. She’s usually the bitter ex along with Astoria, but here, mature fashion icon Pansy is perfection. Hands down my best Pansy portrayal for now.

Harry and Ginny? Did we ever doubt that? I mean, they just work together for me. I love how supportive they both were of Hermione and her “obsession” with her little project. Although they were not the stars of this fanfiction, their role was one of the keys to actually give that little push for Draco and Hermione to finally get together. Then we have Blaise, he’s the perfect mix of a flirt and the best wingman for Draco, he gives these little nudges (irritating for Draco but hilarious for me) that makes Draco move towards Hermione more whether to protect or claim what he deems is his. Narcissa, gosh, this loving, adorable mother, our cupid. She is just this sweetest scheming woman there is. Then Lucius, he is just manipulative. Although, he’s that, I appreciate that he was looking out for his son’s “best interest” at hand, he’s just going about it all the wrong way. Love that ending though, serves you right Lucius. 

Now, Draco and Hermione, what can I say, I am grateful for the slow burn, I love how Draco deemed himself underserving of her and her love, thus his actions towards her, but still he does this things that makes you just want to shout at him to just tell her, just confess idiot. Hermione, on the other hand, just has this bit of celebrity non-celebrity demeanor, like, she knows she is the Golden Girl, but she rather she was not seen as that important, makes her humble, makes her reachable, makes her attainable for Draco. They are these two lovesick persons that should have been busy flirting and getting to know each other when they were kids if circumstances were more amicable, but since it was not, everything is awkward and every action is doubted, it makes for a cute light story.

The three best parts for me were the New Year’s Gala, that toast by Draco, he sure knows how to make a woman feel like the center of attention, he knew the exact words, the exact timing to look at Hermione, to get her. The way Hermione felt singled out, and how that speech urged her to drop everything, every future career plan she had, to work for him, that resume, just gives me goosebumps. The second one was the other event, I think it was called the Governor’s ball, I love how Draco made Hermione felt that empowerment of getting the things she want. He led her, introducing her to high influential people, teaching her the ways of how a simple conversation and slight nudges and teases can land you a big sponsorship or anything about their business. I mean, Hermione could do it all on her own, but I believe she’ll be too stiff, too critical, too straightforward, and just too business-y, while Draco with his smooth talk gave her those cues when to talk business, when to not, made her relax and seemed as if she barely cared if you agree with her or not, but by the end, he’ll make sure of it that you agree with her. The last one was the end, that visit to Lucius, and that list. Oooh! Perfect ending I believe.

5 Stars, I don’t remember a bad comment in my head while reading it. I just love it. I don’t know what else to say, it was a good feel fanfiction. I appreciate it being post canon, I appreciate the maturity of the characters, I love the dog-cat fight teasing that this showed, because they’re Draco and Hermione, they’re bound to clash at some points. But even the fights I love. That’s it!

[jaicarbonilla]

“not you,” he says in a way that sounds a little like a lament. “you never break.” which is ridiculous, as hurt as i am. i feel like a constellation of wounds, held together with string and stubbornness. still, i like hearing it. i like everything he’s saying all too well. that boy is your weakness.

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she got the life she wanted, but now all she does is cry

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Update!

Haven’t posted or queued for a week now or more, but, I have indulged myself to 3 fanfictions and 1 fiction book since then, so reviews are coming, do not worry.

Been trying to get through my TBR List, the goal is to finish it this 1st quarter of this year, before I dive into newer books, well the ones released maybe by late 2020s through 2021 (in this case). So if any of you has recommendations on what I should seek out to buy and read, please help me? I prefer YA fantasy to maybe adult fantasy, dramione fanfictions, and poetry. Nonfiction books? Sure, but I do tend to skim over them at most, so... Suggestions are welcomed and encouraged!

[jaicarbonilla]

Planning on reading this, is it good?

“My anger’s a bad guest, my mother likes to say: comes without warning and stays a long time.”

Naomi Novik, A Deadly Education

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On my TBR List. What do you guys think about this? Without spoilers please. 

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today’s manifestations: oversized jumpers, cat companions and cozy work spaces ✨

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