jarssobar

[jarssobar]

Hey! girl

How are you coping up? To be honest, I am okay dearest. This past few weeks are a bundle of happiness, laughter and bliss. When I am with him, I am not nervous anymore. I don't get glitters and it might be a good sign stating that I am at peace with him.

However, dearest. There will always be time that I will always feel sad. I don't know why? I don't know where it will come from. May be from tiredness from duty and stuff. May be I am overwhelm with everything.

There would be time that I feel suffocated. I feel that I wanted to be understood even without saying a thing. I wanted that my silence would be a loud scream of help. But, then no one hears even Him.

Sometimes, I feel like I was still broken inside. That no matter I tried to pick up pieces of me. I wouldn't be complete. Maybe because for the longest time, I am someone who always cares, who always see and who always feels when someone is not okay. Yet, when I am, no one theres.

Lord, I know that you are giving me someone nice. That every time, I stares at him, I see that he is a good man. But my father is also a good man. Yet he was never a perfect husband to my mom. He is a trying his best to be the best dad. I know, I saw his sacrifices and all but then, sometimes, I also question his parenthood.

God, I don't wanna be selfish again, but then please lead me. Give me a sign, if pushing through a relationship with him is your will. Or if I need to take this time to improve myself, to reach my dreams and to be successful first.

Alam ko naman po Lord, na dapat hindi kita sisisihin kase lahat ng naganap ay ako po ang nagdesisyon at ikaw po ay nasa aking tabi para ako ay iyong gabayan lamang. Pero naman po kase ang hinilingin ko diba sabi ko pag-naggreet sa birthday ko, ibig sabihin may chance pa. Hindi nga nag-greet pero pinag-cross mo naman kami ng landas.

[jarssobar]

It's Him, it always been HIM

Hey! You

It's been awhile since I wrote a about HIM. Honestly, in a span of 3 weeks we are talking to each other again. Three dates in 3 weeks, really?

It started with a coincidence meet up at the hospital and then boom! Jarra you are here again.

This past few weeks, I always have smiles on my face. I am Happy! so Lord please, tell me if your gonna take this again. I hope not please.

A year of no contact with him, I thought I was okay. And so I wanted to talk to him for some closure to maybe end things in a nice way.

Because despite, his mistakes. I know in myself that I also have my fair share of that mistake. Being with him in 3 weeks, is opening a chapter of who he is now. I am finally seeing him, because finally he is sharing this part of him, whom he hides before.

Then I came to realize that I am so mean before, that I was selfish for only thinking of myself, of my own pain and not his. It's because I was putting words into his mouth that I didn't have time to listen to him.

That I didn't even ask him if it's that what he wants. Seeing him cry last night broke my heart. That it also made me wonder if he also did when I said harsh words because I was only thinking of my own pain.

[jarssobar]

Dear dearest

Hey jars, how are you? I know lately has been so tiring and exhausting. Imagine it's just the start of the month and there so many things happening. But I know you can do! one step at a time. One coffee in every morning and everything will be alright!

Sometimes love is really confusing, I know it's been a year since that last contact with him. And I know you tried to usad from that. But the question is, are you okay now? is it really over?

To be honest, I get tired from it. Like being in a cycle when everything seems to start good despite from how it ended. Then, when you thought it was going smooth and okay then in a moment it will just go, BOOM! Pufff it's gone again.

Maybe, I can freely let go it. If I don't have those what if's anymore. Maybe when I get the closure that it's not gonna work. Because I think that really haunts me. I don't know how, where, when but maybe someday.

For the time being, I will just continue to live the life with what I have. I need to focus more on my career as in the end of the day it is just me who would be there for me.

Pat yourself girl! I am proud of you. You can do this! Lot of loves <3

[jarssobar]

Today is 4-24-2024

Before I ozzz up in my bed. I wanted to remind mayself that I can do better and I will do better.

Yesterday, I was reminded of "It wil be okay someday" a quote I posted on my story from 5 years ago. I am trying to contemplate what situation could I have been in that moment to put those word.

Lastly has been a tiring and lonely moments for the past few days. I have been disappointed in myself for not excelling in my academics and bearly surviving. I am emotionally drained that I can't even vent out to my family as I don't want to burden them from it. I am not suicidal atm and will never be. However, who knows? right.

Weeks ago, I realized how my mom is especially she's in this stage where she gives her "habilins". As she said, we don't know how life will be. At that moment I wanted to cry but I can't. I don't want her to see me weak because I know that I am her source of strength. I am strong that is what I have been showing to everyone especially in times like this. But sometimes I am not.

To be honest, I am afraid of my emotions. I am afraid to let someone I love them because it feels like I am more closer to lost them if I said so. But at moment, I don't want to also lost the chance to make them feel that I care and love them.

From time to time I am so having relapse that I would just cry myself to sleep. If I have to reflect and think. I always blame myself for all of this. That if only I could rewind time, I would go back and relive all the happy memories and then keep to my heart. Before I could turn things out not to turn it to this. Like if only, I can have the chance, maybe I wanted to see what life could have been if my parents didn't meet o that day or if they didn't meet at all. Could their own lives has became better? A funny thought that I always have as growing up as a kid as I never knew how my parents meet and on how they started to become lovers.

But then, here we are and we can never change what happens on the past. All I can do is to just live each day with what I have now. Life is never easy. But I hope one day it will all be bearable and worth it to live with.

To future Jarra Lyn D. Obar, RMT remember. It will be okay someday. And I am excited for you to finally see that someday turn to this day, or today💕

Tight hugs and kisses from your past self. I know you will do it! In this day I am already proud of where and what you are. Girl, you have been through a lot and you succeed it. I am sure that you will succeed more. Kaya kapit lungs and tuloy lungs ang laban💪

Love,

Jaynz 2024

[jarssobar]

Almost 7 years. And this day concluded all the mixed signals and unclear intentions. I may be drunk and ashamed but atleast I already know the answer.

Convenience, that is something that you always get and Im willing to give you that's why.

On the day we talked again. I already know that I should brace myself from this. I already build a great way and very guinely happy and not thinking of the what if anymore. But with that one hello/hi I became fragile and careless for falling for it again.

No! That is something you could've been said. Though despite not uttering a word. Your silence is loud as saying this two word.

Courting. It is something that I though we don't need because it like 2021 and from talking stage I though we would evolve into something. And maybe I was wrong. I was literally wrong. Because a simple question couldn't be something so hard to ask, right?

Love and assurance is something I hardly offer yet I gave it beyond the means that I can. I know you knew it and can felt it. Should've have given you the third chance I guess.

Unclear intention from the start are the signals that I blindly ignore. Because I though maybe you are afraid and just taking your time. So stupid for making myself believed that so.

DESERVE, I know in myself that I deserve so much better. Asking and begging shouldn't be needed. Because If he wants to then he is more than willing to do so with out any hesitation and doubt.

Ending this chapter with a reminder to always put myself first. As at the end of the day it is me who always have myself. Cutting people off is definitely OKAY. Remember you are WORTHY.

Despite it all that happens. I can finally say that this is where I concluded all the memories and time we had shared. I am thankful for that. There were no relationship to break up with on the first place but then I am finally cutting the knot that would connect us again. May the both of us be successful in the career that we are taking. And I don't wanna be cruel, but I hope that we won't cross path again. If we will I hope not sooner. I want to heal and restart my life again. From here, we started us strangers to becaming friend and friends into something special and from that to becaming strangers with memories.

[jarssobar]

July 22, 2023

This day is the 2nd Excise of Pinning and Gowning for MLS. I should be there, however I did not. It's so hard looking at my batch mates finally wearing that white uniform with smiles in their eyes. Happiness is pluster in every vicinity. I am happy for them because I know how hard it is to achieve how far we already get. But still in pains me inside. Knowing that I fail one subject that cause me to get delayed was already painful but then there more to that as this day happen. It has slapped me the reality that I didn't make it. I was there, I was close but not close enough to be there.

I know that college is not a race. And I always look at the brighter side to lessen the pain I weigh inside. But still I have this scar that will always be a reminder of my failure. A failure that will surely make me stronger.

[jarssobar]

To this man who will is celebrating his 21st birthday today.

I know that the weather is gloomy and not bright but still remember that nothing can change the fact that it is indeed a special day.

I have known you since 2015 and back then I can say that you are really a good person. It has been almost 8 years and yet you haven't change a thing. And I will be forever greatful having you as a part of my life. Our journey together is so long and I admit that it had a rough and smooth travel as each day passess by. We had our friendship then ligawan stage to talking and not talking stage but look at us now still we still keep that more than friends but less than a lover relationship together.

I know that as you read this letter you are somewhat nervous because the last time I wrote a long message letter it actually ended up in a sad event in both of our lives. But then, I assure you this time it is not the same as it was. Hehehehezzz.

Mhmmm. I think I already show and made you feel to you that you are important to me (Wag na naman kiligin) And I can't promise anything because the future is something that both of us can't foresee and predict. However, no matter what the future holds remember that I will always be there rooting for you and for all your dreams to come true whether I would be included in that or not. Again, Happy Happy Birthday and enjoy your special day✨

[jarssobar]

Allegiant in Paper towns

It’s the second day of march and Yes in few days I will celebrating my 22nd Birthday.

 Today I just wake up and had my coffee and meal. I watch paper towns and Allegiant which are movies I really wanted to watch before and just didn’t have the time and opportunity to do so.

As I finish allegiant I came to realized that I am not really getting any younger. I remember that I watched the first sequel way back 2011 or 2012 in which I am just on my early teenager days and now I am closer to getting in adulthood. 

Reading back at my old thought. I kinda had smiles and cringed. Hahahahahahahhahaha

Anyways, as I moved forward I really hope that I succeed and I really get that life that I always wanted. I hope that this time I fulfill my heart’s desire.

[jarssobar]

Last year, I realize that I have been the toughest version of myself. Wherein I try to push myself to the limit that I can. As I start this year, I am so broke and helpless. I know that I did my very best but then my plan doesn't seem to go as it is. Last night, I had to face it if I had passed all subjects. I can say that part of me is proud and happy that I was able to survive the subject that seems to impossible to passed. But at one point, I am disappointed to fail that one subject that I know in myself that I should have.

I don't know but I cannot cry. Maybe may heart was tired of all the pain that it can not feel anymore . That like a stone it has harden to it's content. I know that at some point I disappoints my family. They may comfort me with it's okay we understand but still their hardship is something that haunts me to this. I really been contemplating with life. Like I started this journey with smiles and open arms. That at the beginning I know what I want and that is to get that RMT and attached it at the last part of my name.

But now how? I am drowning in the sea and I seem to can't get a help. I am already near but why does it feels that I get far from it again? Like I can almost reach it but suddenly I can't. I know that this can't be my downfall. That this will just be a challenge that is part of my journey that I need to survive. I hope that as days pass by I will gain and get grip of myself again.

Jars 2023

[jarssobar]

Oppssss! I did it again.

I know I have been in this for the 3rd time around.

Could this be it?

[jarssobar]

I feel tired.

This devastating scene struck me again.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong mafefeel ko.

Super pagod na po ako.

[jarssobar]

In few days time I will be entering 3rd of my college life. During the pandemic, I usually have this dreams of failing exams and always chasing. Thus, ending up waking with shocked and frightened feeling.

Now, I realized what message it gaves. Today, I just received a message that my the scholarship application I am trying to apply to will not have an extension for its application time. Pinaghihina ako ng loob kase isang daan na ito para hindi na ako mamoblema financially pero sadyang hindi yata para sa akin.

TBH, I am overthinking again if I should continue my studies. The new chapter that I will be stepping to is hard and dark.

I never speak nor share how hard it is to enter this journey. Pagod na pagod na ako. If only I have a choice. I know that I should be thankful for standing still at 21 despite all the odds and traumatizing pain from the past.

The feeling of being left behind, the feeling of being unwanted, the feeling of no one understands and most the feeling of being not enough.

I have read this stament or story before. And this hit me to the core.

It was a story of a person who cried in the church asking God if He can just give his/her life para dugtongan ang buhay ng taong may kailangan nito. Because maybe she/he felt na siguro mas magiging makabuluhan pa yung buhay kung mapupunta ito s maga taong may kailangan nito.

Life sometimes are unfair. It seems easy for few. Yet it becomes a radiating pain for most.

[jarssobar]

Brown out keeps me time to think

These days, I stand by my decision and my worth.

To my almost,

I know that we no longer talk. I hurt you I admit but I hope realize that I tried and I just get tired . I can't say at the moment if the feelings fade away. Maybe it's just me who thought that by second time we will have our chance. But guess what? I was blown away. By that night, I realize that maybe we just missed the feeling, but the sweet love the used to have doesn't exist anymore.

In the whole time, it is true that you liked me. But you never loved me. It was you would always say the three magic word. But guess what? I think you didn't know how deep the meaning of it. Ang pagsabi ng salitang "mahal kita o I love you" ay sobrang daling gawin mahirap nga lang panindigan. In my whole life, I merely write and even say this by this writing. Because I believe that these magic word deserved worth. I always say lavyah but not as the same intesity of " I love you"

You like my first, you said you love me. But guess what? I fall deeper than you. Your love is so shallow.

[jarssobar]

Love was not supposed to hurt.

But if ever it does, it is not love it is the heartbreak that hurts.

The act of love was supposed to give peace and joy.

Remebering yesterday event will always hurt.

A day which supposed to spread love and happiness turn to a remorse event in each of our lives.

Kuya Angelo, whereever you are I pray that you find the comfort, peace and the light on your path.

Your dimissed will always be painful and unbearable forever.

However, through prayer I pray that you find the way home.

Thank you for all the memories, we grow up playing during our childhood days. I remember that you always say before that I should not join you together with kuya patrick playing cars because it inappropriate. The times where brother always bullies his sister is all that I can remember. And will the all high and the lows, the fight and the hapiness. I will always carry them forever.

Find solitude and peace Kuys!. I pray unto God's mercy and compassion.

[jarssobar]

Been torn in the dilemma these days.

I been crying about something that I couldn't control...

Life has been so tiring. I feel so uninspired, I started to doubt my decisions.

Since then I always knew what I wanted and doesn't but suddenly it all turned it to a big question and a big problem.

I know that I will never be perfect no matter what. But that does mean that I am not enough? Been tired of proving myself.

I am tiring of the suffering and the stress.

[jarssobar]

I been thinking these past few days.....

Hindi ko alam kung parte lang ba ito ng pagtungtung sa proseso ng maturidad.

But lately I have been feeling numb.

Yung gigising ka lang para kumain then gagawin ang dapat gawin after that you either sleep or read.

In next days and months, I will be entering a new chapter in my life again.

But this time, I am not scared anymore....

I fought the feeling of guilt, I found my worth and this time "ako naman muna....sarili ko naman muna ang dapat kung unahin"

As we grow older, we realized we don't need so much attention. Marunong na tayong makontento sa mga bagay na meron tayo..

I no longer have the feelings of chasing after things that's isn't there anymore.

Kase narealize ko na siguro by this time wala na akong mahahabol. Kase nga siguro sa dating paradahan ng sasakyan na yun wala ng bumibiyahe patungo doon kase possibleng nagiba na ang ruta o di kaya ay naabando na na ito...

Some feelings need to be stopped because if we continue of reminiscing the past then eventually we keep on opening scar that used to hurt...

Things that didn't happen might be an indication that it didn't because it is what it is...

We hold on to our chances but still nothing happens..

So eventually, siguro parte lang tayo ng porsento ng populasyon ng mga pinagtagpo pero sadyang hindi talaga itinadhana....

Continue to live life, when the times comes....

You will be able to remember these things again but not with a sad cry rather it should be a bursting laughter (remembering your stupidity).......