jelly-made-knife

[jelly-made-knife]

positives v.2

hello hello everyone!! i just wanted to log on and say my three little positive things for the day! :)

work was wonderful!! people are nice and are talking to me to get to know me :) i was also informed that i'm quite polite!

the lip stain i put on my eyes last night was the perfect eyeshadow for today! very happy with how it turned out

i started rewatching Mob Psycho again!! such a good show <3

alrighty, i hope you all have a lovely lovely night :) and i'll talk to you all tomorrow

[jelly-made-knife]

positivity!!

hey guys!!! sorry i've been so inactive!! life and working two jobs has been keeping me so so so so busy!! anywaysss my therapist is encouraging my journaling on here! however, she wants me to journal every single day--at the minimum, she wants me to acknowledge and note three positive things that happened today! so here's today's!

i made $42 in tips today!!

i started bonding with someone i used to know in school over music!

i packed three tubs worth of my belongings to prepare for my move next month!

so that's everything for today!! i'll do my best to keep you all updated and i look forward to the weeks to come :)

[jelly-made-knife]

tired art

hey guys, i never went to bed :( so here's a drawing i did on my laptop with my mouse! :) i hope you enjoy it!

[jelly-made-knife]

my absence

hey guys!! sorry i've been a little absent, i've been feeling pretty overwhelmed and depressed unfortunately and i don't really know what to do about it. but that's alright! tonight is a little harder but i think maybe i'm just a little emotional. i'm also in some physical pain so it's probably enhancing my emotional turmoil.

i am also having some self image issues but i'm sure those will go away as soon as i go to bed and then wake up tomorrow. i mean i'm also watching a pretty depressing show called "kevin can f**k himself" so that's probably not helping--but it's so good :(

anyways i hope that you all are doing well and i'll do my best to keep you all updated.

[jelly-made-knife]

goodnight!

hey guys! i just wanted to say goodnight! i have been cleaning my room and my bathroom today! my dad even noticed the tub/shower was deep cleaned and said it looked nice >:)

i've been pretty productive! i cooked my current comfort food (bell pepper, onion, sausage, soy sauce, msg, and garlic powder all sauteed together) and i spent time with my brother and dad!

i sorted through two of my three-tier drawer/tub things as well as cleaned out and emptied my soft suitcase. i'm going to sort and clean my last drawer thing and then head to bed! i took some melatonin in hopes that i can go to bed before midnight tonight... it's 10:30 so i think my chances are high >:)

i'm going to get to work so i'll let you all be! have a lovely night and i'll keep you all updated as things progress :)

[jelly-made-knife]

ecchymosis poem

hey guys here is one of my favorite poems that i've written! i just found it--after months of looking, so i thought i'd share!

january 25 2024

"there's a steak along my skin an unfamiliar mark intrudes on my body but i've grown used to this.

my father's car marked me, a seat-belt etched itself into my arm, my choir teacher's room corroded me, the carpet's veins changed the shape of mine my past lovers' sweaters owned me, the fabric tore and dug into my cheeks

the indentations of my past haunt me each ecchymosis seemingly gone but the memories still linger.

the temporary bruising on my skin stains at my heart it pries at my brain and pulls on my arteries

you can't see the bruises, the purple discoloration of my blood, nor can you see the lack of cilia on my bones.

even while hurt, my hands stay firm and my stomach stays full. so the next time i fall asleep on my seat-belt, maybe it won't hurt as much."

-PB

[jelly-made-knife]

IM MOVING OUT

OH MY GOODNESS GUYS. I JUST SIGNED A LEASE ON A PLACE THAT'S JUST FOR ME.

i just got home from my meeting with a landlord (a really nice old lady) who i've been chatting with about this little cottage for a few weeks now. she hadn't really even put it on the market for sale yet--but i got an early and easy in because my coworker is the previous tenant of the place! i was super worried that the landlord wouldn't like me because of my appearance (as it is a little more alternative) so i may have toned it down just a tad to heighten my chances of a lovely first impression.

anyways! it's a one bedroom house!!! i'll be on my own and i'll have my independence and freedom back! moving away for university just to move back in with my dad was very... humbling, to say the least. so i'm absolutely going insane crazy bonkers excited about this place. it's super cute and cozy and it's great to walk around in (i love a good walk).

i even made cookies for my coworker as a thank you and i also gave a batch to the landlord herself! i made carrot cake cookies and they were a hit! B) so now all that's left is to pack and to save money! my dad isn't home right now so i can't break the news to him yet but i'm sure he'll.... react. however, i'm not sure how he will.

so the rest of my day! i'm going to start sorting through my things and make a list! (i am a list enthusiast). and i want to clean the bathroom's bathtub as well as my bedroom and also i think i will make a digital copy of the house rules and chores that she would like me to take on--as per my lease entails.

so wish me luck you guys!! things are looking up :)

[jelly-made-knife]

its 3am

hey guys :) im finally, actually sleepy! i have been feeling so bad and so yucky all night and i think im finally tuckered out enough where i can finally fall asleep and get some rest! just wanted to keep you all updated >:p goodnight my lovely silly little internet people! i mean it this time--i will close my eyes and fall asleep! we have a big day tomorrow so you should get some sleep too!

[jelly-made-knife]

the cops visited my house... its almost midnight

hello everyone, normally by this time i am fast asleep! in the town square of snoozeville actually... however i was a little full-headed around 11pm today when my younger brother (who is 18) had a fight with my dad (who is 52 i think? he was born in 1972). they butt heads often and it gets pretty bad sometimes... there was one time where my brother hit my dad upside the head with a fan (one of those like desk spinny fans i believe) but that was about 5 years ago? maybe closer to 4--however that doesn't matter.

my brother has been really struggling with his mental health--he's in a deep, almost debilitating (if not already that bad) depression. and even though im no mental health professional, ive been doing my best to support and help or guide him through this hard and dark period of his life. and in the past, and unfortunately the present, i have had my fair share of mental health struggles as well. our dad however has never been the best supporter of this... he always brushed off my depression and anxiety symptoms as excuses for laziness or just an unwillingness to do anything that was "inconvenient" for me. anyways... my brother was throwing around some profanities because my dad came into his room yelling at him. my dad was yelling because my brother was still on a discord call with his friends... past curfew (it was 11pm around this time). and while my dad had the right to be upset at the defiance of his rules, he had no right to just start off the issue at hand with yelling and aggression. they kept yelling--my brother yelling about his ignored struggles that are brushed off (like mine had been before) and my dad just fighting with him. they got off topic for a little while, talking about the political and financial state of the world and how it's actively affecting the lot of us. but during the middle of the fight, i heard six or seven pounds on our front door. i was terrified--i thought maybe i had hallucinated the sound or maybe it was something odd that had fallen or something outside... since i was sitting at my desk, typing my silly little introduction post on this silly little website known as Tumblr. however, i heard my dad mumble "what was that?" as him and my brother were in the middle of an unproductive... "conversation." i then realized the sound was very much real, and very very much terrifying. so i got up and told my dad that i believe someone had knocked on the front door 6-7 times as i tried to recall the pattern at which they pounded.

my dad rushed to his room (all of our rooms are right next to each other) and started looking for something. i asked "are you looking for your gun?" to which he didn't reply with words, but just grabbed his handgun from his dresser and we heard a tapping on his bedroom window. i felt so scared and didn't know what to do--all i could think about was defending my brother in case anything happened so i rushed to his room. however he was presumably indecent so he asked me to leave and close his door--to which i complied. my dad yelled "lights off" and i turned my desk lamp off and shut my laptop.

it was the cops. and that's that. the two men spoke to my dad briefly--one of them left to attend to other matters--and the other man spoke to my brother for quite a while. now the man who stayed is talking to my dad....... everything seems to be going alright but i fear this may disturb the environment in which we live in. i don't know if for the better or for the worse. my dad is currently talking to the cop about sending my brother to therapy but i don't know if i believe him... or trust him. i feel for my brother... and i feel bad for this whole situation and occurrence. his friend supposedly called the cops for him because of the fighting going on (presumably caught on microphone.)

my brother just told my dad why he was on call--in a more productive manner (to talk about his issues with friends) and that he goes to me sometimes but doesn't want to bother me. i feel guilty and bad that he feels like he's bothering me all the time--even though i tell him all the time that he doesn't bother me and he never will and never has. i just don't know how to help him (i know it's not my job) and i wish i could just take the pain from him--as i feel i could cope and use the skills i've honed throughout the years.

im so tired you guys :(( my bedtime is 9:30-10:30 usually. i went to bed around 2:30am last night and tonight is not any better unfortunately. but i think the problem and situation at hand is alright. my dad and brother are talking (not fighting) which seems to be productive and supportive :) i hope this positive response lasts more than a few hours. i love my brother

as (hopefully) a final thing about tonight: my dad just recapped me on everything i heard and already knew. he even spoke to me about my previous therapists in town and who i'd recommend and who i'd stay away from--to give ideas for him to contact for my brother. we spoke about it for a little bit and i told him about "psychologytoday" a website where i found my current therapist (who i love) for a long-term solution. i kept yapping to my dad about other things as well, trying to tell him how anxiety prevents us on the things he wants us to do and it went... somewhat well. i'm not sure he was entirely listening. i brought up how as soon as i went back to my room, an ad for the company my old therapist worked for popped up on my youtube video (which is a silly coincidence i thought was worthy of a chuckle) but he just ignored me... well, he nodded his head and spoke about other things, not acknowledging a word i said. so here i am now, back in my room, logging the odd events that transpired tonight.

i have a busy day tomorrow so wish me luck! i'm actually touring a place that i might be able to move into! pray for me (/hj) as i cannot wait to get me (and maybe my brother) out of this house.

toodles :p

[jelly-made-knife]

a simple introduction

hello! my name is PB! or at least... those are the initials in which i like to go by online. as of april 10th, 2025, i am 20 years, 5 months, and 18 days old. which makes my birthday out to be October 23rd, of the year 2004. and while i'm only 20, not a single day of my life has death not left my mind.

life has beauty and i would like to document every moment of my life on here. while maybe tumblr is a little outdated, i found it fitting for the day-to-day of my average life. i find the mundane to be comforting and beautiful. so please join me as i take a small part of my day to talk about the things going on.

i apologize if this introduction is short or nonsensical--something weird just occurred during my writing of this initial post. (i will make a more coherent and updated introduction at a later date!)