jeribunny

[jeribunny]

CVVI:

I'm tired. And I'm afraid no one knows just how tired I am...

[jeribunny]

CVV: Can't Help It

Each day at work feels like an inch of my happiness is being shredded apart. I'm tired of this job. As stupid as it sounds. Never had I ever took energy from work and mixed it with my home life. Who am I kidding. Although I'm frustrated with my job... I can save that for another day. Right now... I just can't help it. I hate when I start feeling jealous. Jealousy is like poison. Slowly seeping through every vein of my body. I hate it. And you know what? There's two deals to this... Either my love is clueless and doesn't realize that I'm jealous. Or he's taking it for granted and ignoring it. Why can't I just shake this feeling off. Why can't I just stop holding on to these feelings. I trust my other half, but I still feel jealous. It's just when someone gets chummy with him and that chumminess is reciprocated... What if I started getting chummy with someone else in front of him, started calling someone by a nickname that I made for them. And I WORK with them. And they tell my love, that they will give me their number so they can reach me. Maybe these feelings of jealousy are amplified because of my frustration. God... How fucking frustrated I am. I should have been so far ahead in life. But each choice I'm making is preventing me from proceeding with my goals........ I don't even KNOW what my goals are anymore. Every choice.... GOD.Every turn I make, I put myself in these situations that eat away at my soul. And I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to. It's not like I don't want to turn to my boyfriend, but he seems so care-free... nd happy... and it kind of feels like he dismisses my negativity. I don't blame him though. He's in goodstanding with his life.... He doesn't need my bad energy. It's not that I have bad energy... I'm just.... drained... And I'm afraid no one sees that. Or no one cares enough because I'm still functioning at a sufficient level. Oh well...... I'll just wait till this feeling burns away.

[jeribunny]

CVIV: Outlets

I was just in the middle of creating a little note on my ipad to pour al my thoughts to until i realized I can use my hotspot from my phone. I guess I just need to let some things out. As life is for everyone, things have changed immensely. To say that I'm not happy about where I'm at in life is the biggest understatement. To tell you the truth, the one and only thing I'm completely and utterly without a doubt happy about is Justin. Yes, mushy and gushy and borderline too emotionally attached. I'm not that lady made of steel anymore. I have a heart that's full of worry, that's melting -- all of those ice cold feelings, are shedding and revealing my soft, warm, fragile core. It's scary. For the first time in my life, I don't have a direction. I have destinations where I'd WANT to go, but no idea how to get there. I feel stuck. I've said that so much in my life. But really, I feel stuck. With my career, my education.. My journey. I need a plan but my plans feel half-baked... Well time to go back to work.

[jeribunny]

CVIII: ummmmmm

I can’t wait until my next appointment at the hospital.. I know that sounds funny but, I need to know all the discrepancies of my body. I know I have questions about my back, hopefully it’s nothing serious like scoliosis, wouldn’t want a costly surgery like that happening around this time, but I’ve lived with it for many years so what’s a little more waiting going to do. I also have my abdominal pains, hopefully that’s nothing serious like colon cancer. I swear I’m watching too many over-dramatic Korean dramas. I also have my skin and stuff. Okay I’m just thinking the worst but hoping for the best. At this point I just need to know now.

Throughout the day I have so much on my mind that I want to let out but once I’m in front of a keyboard my mind goes blank. Surely I just have the same thoughts replaying in my mind though. I just want to go to school. I’m so very excited for that. I made a mental note to try to visit American River College tomorrow since I work from 5-9. I think I want to get a third job though, just for the summer before school starts you know. I need to rack up as much money as I can. I need to match my Love. 

I’ve been a little more carefree lately, I need to get that off my chest. But it makes me guilty and over-think. I don’t know how to explain that process but really... I guess one of my fears is if I go back to school I won’t have the same discipline I once had. With sleeping early, waking up early, getting things done right away and on time. I’ve been living less keen with details. I need to get that discipline back. Hopefully I do without much trouble.

As long as I have Justin by my side I feel like I can do anything to be honest. I’m so happy with him, constantly smiling and imagining up our future. It sounds so gross but I just want the best. So cliche. Well there really isn’t anything pouring out from my brain just yet. I feel like it’s a sponge not ready to be wrung out. 

[jeribunny]

CVII: Thursday

What was it I wanted to let out again? I totally forgot. I had such a long sleep last night, I feel like I just woke up from hibernation. But I’m STILL tired. I just need to sleep earlier. How does that even happen? Why do I still feel tired. Weird stuff.

It’s Thursday, I was supposed to go back to my apartment and clean but I got home from work and instantly knocked out. Honestly one of the easiest sleep ever. I’ve been having trouble falling asleep lately but last night was great. In the middle of my sleep I got woke up by Justin saying I love you to me. Of course I was in such a daze but once I woke up this morning I couldn’t help but smile.

I guess what I really wanted to let out, as mentioned in the first few sentences, is that I’ve got to stop feeling tired. I know that I use to drink energy drinks to get going through the whole day but that’s probably not the greatest idea. I just need to feel energized. Which means sleeping early, getting 8 hours of sleep every night. So on and so forth.

[jeribunny]

CVI: Back... Yet it again.

I really do keep switching off from journals to blogs. I guess it’s faster to explain my thoughts through a keyboard than writing.

I don’t really feel like explaining much, or filling in all of the blanks. I guess what compelled me to go back on here is... my lack of verbiage. I don’t really use my brain much anymore. I rarely read, and I guess I just lay around all day if I’m not working. I really want to go back to school, but this time for something I want to do. I was extremely passionate about psychology and neurology, but I’m not sure anymore. Frankly, I’m not sure about a lot of things anymore. It’s crazy alright. Here, the planner, doesn’t have definite plans. Though I DO have plans, like be successful and happy and rich and all that glamorous stuff. But in what? What do I want to do? 

My answer to that at this point is..... To go back to school and take classes about things I may be interested in. I don’t want my parents’ and family’s expectations to conflict with my wants anymore. I’ll still take psychology classes. But also maybe something in business... Or economics, or child development, or education. I’m still, me. I’m still Jericha. I’ve got to stop trying to subconsciously convince myself that I’m some watered down version of myself. I’m just going through another mountain is all. I’ve still got the drive, I know it.

In other news, I’m crazy in love with Justin. Pretty simple in that area. I love him, and I won’t ever do anything to hurt him. And regarding this area of my life, I’ve got to stop trying subconsciously convince myself that my never-ending love for him is not matched by him. He says, and shows he loves me in the same way. Seriously have to work on that. Otherwise I’ll always have my guards up, with whoever comes in my life. He makes this, sad sometimes fickle-minded girl, happy. Sets my mind straight. Fills that hole in my life. In my soul, that was rapidly dissolving.

This world, is unfair. This universe, has a plan for everyone. I am 20 turning 21. I’ve got my whole life in my hands. If I don’t have everything together right now, then who cares! At least I’m trying, and at least I still care about my life enough to get up every day and accomplish at least one thing. And sooner than later, I’ll accomplish everything I ever wanted to, and then some. All while the love of my life is by my side.

Now that.. Is the life...

[jeribunny]

CV: Stop digging

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to stress over being the best, or the top, at everything I do. I think so much about failing myself if I don't get the highest score. I think I just kept feeling like I shouldn't even try if that was the case, which in turn made me not show any effort at all. I recently re-read this quote from a quote book I downloaded on my phone. Between the lines of "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging." That is entirely true. It was just one action (or lack of) after another, and I ended up digging myself in a deep hole. I need to stop that. Just my effort for doing something, or starting something, is enough. I just need to START something and typically I'll finish it. I also visited a doctor about this feeling finally. Got prescribed an SSRI. Its only been a week and I don't necessarily feel any changes. Maybe less anxious, but that can also be because I stopped drinking caffeine. A rockstar and a sugary coffee drink a day was doing me no good I guess. Though the surge of energy was really helpful at times. Hopefully I don't relapse. I honestly just have to get through this program. I keep forgetting that it's not endless, unless I make it that way. I can pass. I know I can.

[jeribunny]

CIV: Back

I'm starting to think that this "recurring" feeling is actually a natural feeling that I continuously have. I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. BUT! I'm back from yet another hiatus. I work in Nordstrom now and I'm still taking that program I mentioned a few months ago. I'm currently at the coffee shop, trying to figure out what to do with my life. A certain question keeps replaying in my mind, "What am I going to do? WHAT am I GOING to DO?" which in turn prompted me to go here. I've been stuck with this question for quite some time now. Constantly being torn with pursuing what I love or continuing with this program which, frankly, sounds like I'm settling. I absolutely, to my little bones, hate where I'm at in life right now. I don't have motivation to do anything and it kills me. Maybe it's time for me to finally see a professional about this... I'm tired of being confused about life all the time or being indifferent about the events that occur around me. I'm tired of feeling this way when I know, with every neuron in my brain, I'm capable of so much bigger and better things. Why can't I just take the plunge? Is it because I know no one will support me? Terrified of failing? I hate to say this but maybe I just need a supporter that will help me be more brave about diving into the unknown. I know that if I spill my plans about my dream goal, those around me will think I'm nuts! Though my thoughts are pretty realistic, it's out of the ordinary for my family. But that should not be an excuse! I should take rein of my life instead of life taking rein on me. I find myself staring off into the distance and zoning out. Jumping in and out of the present and reality right in front of me. Not being confident in my words and feeling drained of energy when I get home, wake up, do tasks, everything. And when I try to talk about it with other people, I feel like I'm knocking on someone's door late into the evening while they are dead asleep. I feel like as days pass the will in my soul declines exponentially. Like I'm falling down a mountain and with each tumble I feel each and every pebble and twig. And this feeling resonates within me. I don't have the urge to talk to people because they probably have their own things to deal with, or maybe they're at a happier place in their life so why bring this negative energy through their doors? That's unnecessary. Maybe I'll find my groove. Ideally some time soon. I want to be confident in my actions, my words, my thoughts.

[jeribunny]

CIII: indifference

Finally back on a laptop. I really need to purchase a new one because I have not been getting things done as fast as I want to.

Anyway, my life has made a huge turn. I’ve decided to take a program instead of continuing straight on with my psychology and education majors. I feel like I need to handle some business with my parents before pursuing my dreams first. Which isn’t ideal to me, but is for my parents. It’s a tough decision ya know. Putting your dreams on hold for your parents’ dreams. Just hope that I don’t get too caught up in this career and forget about pursuing what I really want to do.

I’m in that phonk again. Dunno what it is to be honest. I just feel a little.... Bored. I feel like I was stuck in a rut with the whole relationship thing. But I found a distraction and I completely got over everything. But now I’m in this state of indifference and it sucks, for lack of better words. Indifference is such a perfect suit for what I feel right now.. I don’t know how else to explain it.

Ya know, I’d think that the distraction would be something for me to take my mind of things for a quick minute til I can get back on my feet but it ain’t. It’s growing on me and I should stop. I watched this movie called Shaolin, which is one of my top favorite movies now, and there was a line that’s stuck with me. Goes something like, learn how to let go first so you won’t grow any attachments. I need to learn that.

Well, I just got home from work so it’s my time to relax. I need to put some music onto my iphone too.

[jeribunny]

CI:

Even after three years, and even after experiencing all of these things that I had thought would help me be a better person, I STILL feel empty. I still have somewhat that same tone of voice in my head that I've obtained since high school. 

Well, I am a better person, like I said previously, I'm not so helpless as I was back then. Though I am in a danger zone. Sometimes I feel like when I complain about my problems I imagine all of these other people who struggle more than I do, most of the time it's made up people in made up situations but all the same chances it's real nonetheless. I still can't quite pinpoint the source of my distress. Sometimes I don't even feel like getting up in the morning, which is normal for college students nowadays. But still, I just imagine parents who have to wake up extremely  early every day to get their child ready for school or parents with babies who think a full 4 hours of sleep at night is a blessing. Then I switch over to my current situation and I can't help but feel so disgusted at myself and people who are like me. Though I still attempt to finish all of my responsibilities, it's STILL half-assed which is STILL enough. I honestly wish I should have just gone to UC Berkeley. if I had gone there instead of move to Sacramento at 16, I'd be at a much better spot and pace in my life.. 

That's a little spiteful and pessimistic to say. I need to get out of that mindset really. Right now I'm just waiting for Vanessa, we're getting ready for the night. 

[jeribunny]

C: dream post #1

I just had a dream about playing air hockey with someone and there was one person watching us. The room was brightly lit and my opponent, well the more I try to imagine how he looked like the more his image fades into nothing. There was a one-man audience wearing red with shades on. He was a mischievous fella and seemed impatient. He brought out air hockey discs of different sizes and colors claiming to speed up the game. The score was considerably in my favor so he brought out a couple of red card decks and started filling to hockey goals with them. I don't remember how I felt but the game ended and my opponent and I met up with a larger group of people. We then walked into a bedroom, which revealed to me that the air hockey station was inside a huge house and we knew someone filthy rich. I kept asking someone for a phone charger and another person said that they would get it from the living room. I remember that my phone was exactly at 2%. As we were waiting in the room an ordinarily cute girl kept saying she was interested in me but I told her I don't want anything to do with her and that the whole reason why I was there in the first place was to cheer on my boyfriend at his tournament.

[jeribunny]

XCIX: think about it sometimes..

 I asked my cousin for a serious topic that I should post about since I feel like I've been writing about some super unimportant stuff.

Where do I see myself 5 years from now?

Well for starters I'll be 25. FUCK I'll be 25.. This is such a hard question, usually seeing it from a distance I can easily list off many things I would like to be or do at the age of 25.

Fast forward to 2020. I want to live in a house. Ideally age 25 is when I want to start my big-girl life, with a big-girl job and possibly kids? Which seems highly unlikely for me right now considering my utmost luck with relationships and the sort. 

Honestly it's hard to think about the future realistically for me, when my struggle right now is a bit out of hand. You'd think envisioning the future would be more sweet when the you're struggling in the present. But for some reason I can't seem to unveil a clear picture of the future me in my mind. I'm really trying hard to think about what I'd want to achieve by then and where I want to be and all I can think about are the most basic things like graduating college and buying a house. Which is ultimately what most people want to do at that age.

Ever since I started this blog I've always had a recurring feeling every year, like my life is at a standstill and I'm stuck in a rut. Though I don't feel as helpless as I did back then, considering I'm paying for my own things now and the sort, I still feel somewhat stuck at a stage of my life. I know in some areas I've progressed and I've lived and learned. But at times, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I can barely move. 

Reading back at my posts from the past few years I've always still emphasized my boy problems. I'm still the same in that area right now, but maybe it's time to change that. I've always thought that if I diverted my attention to a smaller problem, like dating drama, I wouldn't go ballistic trying to figure out solutions to my real life problems. I've attempted to unravel what the bigger problem is to others but I would hesitate every single time. Consequently, I'd always change the subject to mundane topics. 

Now's not the time to do that anymore. I face my problems alone, but it's like being in the middle of a circle of bigger tougher people who have intentions to kill. I mean, all these years I've managed to get out of the toughest situations and still (somewhat) be nonchalant about it. But as years go by and things start piling up, I probably should revert my attention back to problems that actually hold me back. Maybe that's why I've been unlucky with people walking in and out of my life. I've always had the urge to want to lean on and depend on other people but because of my hesitation I'm extremely wishy-washy. 

At the end of the day though, it's not bad to remind myself that for the most part I helped myself out and I'm still (imperfectly) fine. It's just the thought that at one point I had people I can lean on and feel secure and safe around even with all the obscenities in my life. 

Haste makes waste, but don't hesitate or wait.

[jeribunny]

XCVIII: i really need to pee

just checking in here, I feel like I itch to post on tumblr just because I haven't had laptop interaction in so long. This interest will probably die down soon.

Just went on a mini adventure with Vanessa and Jesselle. Or, errand run? But adventure sounds nicer. I told them about this little place where I get my nails done: China Nails. But they're viet. I still think that's funny. The employees there are very homely, I call them my aunts and uncles. So nice. Honestly, having the company of my cousin and Jesselle is pretty amusing. I feel wherever my cousin and I are we make everything fun, with our inside jokes and random bursts of laughter. Went to Tapioca Express after, that sab wasn't there but WE FINALLY KNOW HER NAME. Thank Jesselle.

It's only 6:00 PM and I'm already exhausted. That kind of tired where you feel like sleeping but know that once you lay down, it ain't happening. Worst type of sleepiness. 

I'm also hungry. I'm going to remind these bitches that we need to eat.

I also need to remind myself that I need to stop dwelling.

[jeribunny]

XCVII: i don't know either

I've tried starting this point countless times, I really have no clue to start this.

My mind has been in a daze, in some other world. I can't snap out of it, why can't I snap out of it? I feel like I'm cursed, which isn't such a far off feeling. There was a day a couple weeks ago where a psychic stopped me asking if she can look into me. Sounds weird and all, but that was the third time in my life that I've been stopped by some psychic, palm reader, person of the sort. So I was like, what the hey! Third time being stopped by someone like her, might as well. She wasn't really looking for money, though I still had my guards up, maybe she wanted to reel me in first and then spend money on the "full reading". But nope, she offered to "see" me for free. 

She told me that this period of my life is around the time I meet my soul mate, so I either have already met them or I'm going to meet them soon. That my aura is bright but there's a cloud of darkness that's setting me back. And as cliche as it sounds that that cloud of darkness is a "curse". And that curse is actually just a shroud of jealousy, and someone's (or some people's) jealousy is ultimately the reason why I can't get to my soulmate.

Amongst other things, she even guessed my major and, more surprisingly, my second major. Which at the time no one knew about. She also knew that I wasn't from the city of Sacramento, nor was I from the city I came from before living in Sacramento (Stockton). 

I came home after work that day in so much confusion. Trying not to let that "curse" thing get to my head, I remember I laid on my couch mindlessly cruising through my different social media sites. Who was exuding animosity towards me? I wondered.. It doesn't make sense, I don't talk to anyone and I'm not close to anyone nor does anyone really know any type of event that happens in my life besides my family.. And even they don't know absolutely every detail. But I guess it's possible for people not directly in my life to "curse" me. That concept is pretty scary, like someone or others can think so much negative thoughts about someone that their person of interest (per se) can consequently get cursed.

I mean I still try not to think about how I possibly have met my soul mate already and how I'm cursed because of jealousy, and because of that curse I can't get to my soul mate. That's absurd! Right? RIGHT??

[jeribunny]

XCVI: February 2015

That pause in 2014 was when I started writing in yet another journal. For some reason I keep switching off from typing to writing which at this point really hold no difference to me anymore. I just need some type of outlet for my inner demons and angels to roam freely. Anyway, I just spent a whole hour transferring like 50 posts from my other tumblr because I forgot the email to it and I had super bad OCD looking at the big 2012 gap if I had just started posting here immediately before reposting the other 50 which at least composed of some moments from 2013-2014. If you EVER wonder when a post was its like in the tags of the post. Yeah totally irrelevant I just have to add everything before I forget what I was thinking about.

So, it’s 2015.. Obviously. But I’ve been reading back at my 2012 self and holy cow. I have no other words. I’m not going to knock my 17 year old self because I’ve grown up to learn that everyone has their own hell and surely that scene changes, but it’s still hell. Enough of my past though, yall can read that on your own spare time and laugh at the woes of a young idiotic 17 year old girl. NOW however you can laugh at the woes of a young idiotic 19 year old lady.

Why out of all times have I decided to blog about my life? It’s simple really, and yes I’m about to answer my own question like the pretentious human being that I am. I constantly make the unfortunate mistake of pushing people out of my life (besides my cousin, which everyone knows is pretty much the only person I hang out with all the time).And why do I do this? If I had a clear answer I would state it but because I’m an idiot, and I still want to give you all an answer, I would probably say because I’m used to handling my business by myself. Which in the long run is something stupid to say because I keep going back and forth from wanting someone by my side while I’m going through my misfortunes, to telling myself that no one needs to know or handle MY problems. Oh yeah, I also post super long posts on Instagram like an idiot because I have way too many time on my hands when I’m on the toilet. Might as well post it on tumblr right?

Who even reads tumblr? Who’s even gonna read my blog posts. Who cares really..

This is such a long come-back introduction. And, prepare for the impeccable corniness, I hope you all enjoy this journey called life with me. Feel free to message me, comment about my life, leave questions about your life or whatever. I’m a free spirit with no real group to belong to and no prejudices. I don’t mind anything at all! So here’s my free space I’m sharing with you all.

[jeribunny]

XCV: No way out?

I’m losing so much life energy. I honestly feel the lowest of the low. And it’s not that feeling of low when I’m so desperate to find a way out. I just feel like there is no way out. I keep pushing forth and trying to see things at a brighter light no matter what type of position or situation I’m in. But truthfully, it’s becoming harder and harder each day. It’s just that… I try to stay true to myself no matter what anyone says about me and the things that I do. But once I feel like there’s no sense of trust whatsoever with the people I’m around all the time, then that’s when I start slowly losing face. My mom’s been talking mad shit about me lately. And it hurts, it does. It’s my mom. And she doesn’t realize it but she’s pushing me away more and more. What’s worse is that since I work with my Aunt, she tells my mother everything that I say or do. I feel so suffocated. I can’t breathe. I can’t be me. My dad who’s been so understanding has finally succumbed to the talk that my mom’s been putting out there about me. I mean… I’m their daughter. And all they’re doing is putting a bad name on me. Showing everyone that I’m a bad daughter. Making it seem like I grew up to be the worst person with no morals and no respect. And what makes things worse is that everyone else external from my family view my actions as.. Well not good to say the least. I mean it’s all double standards for me. Why is it okay for a guy to sleep with a number of girls but not vice versa? I mean it’s not necessarily okay, but it’s more accepted. And it’s treated more lightly. I mean in my eyes, if I want to sleep with someone and there are obviously no feelings, no current relationships, no crazy drama prior to the act, then what exactly is the harm? But in everyone else’s eyes it’s all just seen the same way. I’m a slut I guess. I knew people were going to say such things, but really being on this side of the stick, I see nothing wrong. It’s like nothing I do is accepted. I work hard to pay for my bills, and to help with my parents. But I go to work late, or leave work early and the people close to me see it as me not wanting to make money. I go out with friends and come home past 11:00 P.M. and I automatically hang out with delinquents. I have tattoos and I’m automatically a delinquent. I hate it. I hate it all. I have so much negative feelings welling up inside of me that I’m beginning to believe that my whole entire being is beings drenched in negativity and that my positive outlook is all a facade. I just want to be accepted somewhere. Not get taken for granted, not get judged by appearance, get acknowledged by my hard work and pure heart.. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of this. It’s eating my heart out and crushing what’s left of my strength. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better, happier, and I don’t know who I can turn to for support. All I know to do is continue living like this. Which sounds pathetic, totally and utterly pathetic…

[jeribunny]

XCIV: I Think I'm Just Weirded Out

Oh god, I think I’m really afraid of commitment. I think my mind and every single ounce of my body just naturally repels feelings because I feel like, like. Yeah I like Love and… And what? It’s really weird. But at times I feel like it’s too much and maybe it’s just fear? Fear of like, losing someone I like I guess so I automatically start to decrease the amount of feelings I have for someone. But at the same time once I feel like someone else has an interest or a grasp of the person that I have feelings for, it’s like a switch. Like I just flare up and like, not have it. I don’t want to see the person I like with someone else but at the same time, when things get too couple-y I get kinda weirded out. Yeah, I’m weird. I don’t know. It’s always like this and for some reason when I feel this way for a guy I just kind of let it go without doing anything, putting up any effort. And once it’s gone I feel kind of sad and disappointed. It’s so weird. Maybe I just have to accept the fact that someone can hurt me but I just have to trust that they won’t. It just sucks because I feel like I’ve done that, not whole-heartedly, nevertheless attempted to trust someone and give someone ym all but everything just ended and I don’t like that feeling. And I don’t want that to happen between Love and I. It’s weird. Maybe this is why I’m single. No, I’m pretty sure this is why I’m single. But I don’t know. I want to try. And just let it go. Let it goooo. Let it gooooooo.