jesterplace

[jesterplace]

I don't know if it hurts or it is just the way it is.

I need to take care of my audience. I need to perform to make them laugh at moments like that.

I have to. I have no choice.

~Jester

[jesterplace]

I hate drinking alone but sometimes the bitter taste of it brings my sanity back.

Helps to take off my mask and just enjoy the quiet night.

Looking at the street lights it's so calming when your mind finally can form normal thoughts.

No one to entertain even if you need it.

It's interesting? Even if I don't like it sometimes it helps.

Sometimes it's nice to take off your mask for yourself only.

Even if you want someone to see your real face

[jesterplace]

When I'm alone in my room no one can hear me.

I can do whatever I want but I don't do anything.

I feel this feeling of fear. Like something bad is about to happen. I need a break but I don't want to be alone.

It is weird isn't it?

I have always been alone and look at me now. Needing someone. I feel pathetic. That's why I won't ask for company at this moment.

I will suffer alone. I have to do that it is my role in this shit hole.

No one Will even take Jester seriously.

I'm only here to entertain. But who will entertain me? Who will wipe my tears after I fail?

I need a break. I need a break in the warmth of someone's arms.

That's all I need.

[jesterplace]

I need a crowd to love me.

I need a crowd to want me and need me.

Laugh because of me and feel better.

I need to hear their laugh.

I need to exist but without their laugh I don't.

I need you to need me.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

Fuck.

Seriously fuck.

The feeling I have is just something new.

Something new I have to explore.

For the first time I have those feelings and I feel safe?

Fuck I want to say everything I feel to him.

But does Jester feel it all?

It's weird for me but in a good way.

I want it all for myself and never give it back.

I want him.

But can I have him?

-Jester

[jesterplace]

Last night was so quiet but not in the wrong way.

The sleep I got was amazing and I felt so comfortable.

And today I heard something that made me so happy.

Even tho it is just a proposition a little plan but it's not 100% sure it's gonna happen.

It's just made me happy.

The moment when you see that someone wants to spend time with you it's amazing.

And the moment you understand that they are ready to spend money and time just to be there with you.

I'm happy. And I didn't expect that today.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

What would you do for me?

I know I'm asking a lot of questions.

I'm just too curious about what people think of me .

I want to know every little detail what you like about me.

I got too many questions I want to ask but I never will.

The curiosity is killing me and others.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

The feeling of emptiness is something normal by now.

But sometimes something shows in this void and I don't know if I like it.

Everything feels like a trap sometimes.

And I don't know how to work with that.

But maybe it's just a part of me that I have to accept.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

It is amazing to feel someone getting closer to you.

I was always some who were looking from afar.

So now I can tell when something is changed.

How people act and the tone they use is easy for me to understand something.

So I know when someone is feeling good and comfortable with me.

And it makes me happy

-Jester

[jesterplace]

I need to take responsibility.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

I don't understand why all those people smile.

They are having fun like nothing matters.

Why can't I be the same?

This world needs Jesters.

But do people actually want us?

We are here and we will entertain you.

Even if we want to destroy ourselves in a deep hole of depression.

We will entertain you even if we don't feel the same.

So laugh and smile there will be a Jester to help you with that.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

He told me he likes me.

It's weird but I'm happy.

It's the first time I'm feeling this happy.

The mask is lifting a little and I don't have to entertain everyone for the first time.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

The worst part of having feelings is the moment you don't know if someone feels the same.

I know he shows me attention and says very nice things. He said how much he wanted me to be with him in some moments.

But do you like me like I like you?

Does this "I like him" ever turn into "I love him"?

After my last break up I made a rule.

I won't ask first for a relationship.

In this situation it is hard. But I don't want to break the rule.

I want him to actually know if he ever considers me his partner that he has feelings for.

I don't want to be hurt again. And I won't let myself do it for myself.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

I know all along so why do I want to cry now?

-Jester

[jesterplace]

I hate when people say "I want an obsessed boyfriend"

You don't. You don't understand the consequences of being with someone who can be obsessive. It's not cute.

We need to know everything about you.

Every little detail of your life and where you been.

We can get upset when you need to go somewhere and do not text whole day.

We need your attention nonstop so we know you love us.

We need to be loved by you every second of your life.

You don't understand how fucked up we can be.

You don't want this.

-Jester

[jesterplace]

Sometimes I'm scared of good moments in my life.

Yes I am happy but it will end right?

I'm scared that if I get good times I will miss them more than ever.

~Jester

[jesterplace]

Falling in love is weird.

I'm falling for a boy. And he is the first guy who treats me right .

I have been with guys before it's not my first rodeo but he feels special.

It's the first time where I didn't have to be the first to do a step. He did it.

And he accepts who I am.

He doesn't care about my gender or other bullshit.

He gets me and I like it.

But I still feel weird. But in a good way I guess?

~Jester