jj666lust

[jj666lust]

Yet another cute boy is sleeping on my bed... but this time the situation is quite different.

This boy is now my boyfriend, not just some random kid. And I happen to be completely crazy about him.

————-

Was writing that and fell asleep a week or so has passed.

I found out about this girl... and coincidences are just unbelievable... I feel like in a drama once again.

Or are they coincidences? So, I used to work at this place- well know retailer I’m not going to mention- we shall call it “Cloth” so I worked at cloth a couple of years ago. Before I moved away so I could stop thinking about my best friend as a love interest.

Before I quit, I remember vaguely a few new people. I did not really interact with them, because that’s how I am.

Anyway fast forward to current time, I have a boyfriend who had an ex, that somehow sounded similar. On Instagram I get recommendations to follow people my friends are also following, one of them caught my attention so I clicked, and to my surprise , a lot of my ex coworkers from Cloth also followed her... and Him!!! My boyfriend as well. What are the coincidences? He only moved here a couple of years ago...

So now I’m kinda obsessed stalking and trying to find out if that’s the ex... one of my friends who also used to work there said she was in fact an employee at Cloth, and she used to cry all the time, and he annoying... now I’m like wow.... what happened? 🤭

I shall continue the saga of my crazy drama delusional life~ next time~

[jj666lust]

Due to all my despair and stress, it’s become a habit of mine to do this thing with food.

I play this game with myself, challenging me to see how long I can go without food, and it keeps getting longer and longer. I barely crave things now ... is getting dangerous but makes me feel in control.

[jj666lust]

I have a cute kitty boyfriend and Even though it’s been a wild ride and still is... I’m happy 😽

[jj666lust]

Lots changed thus far... I’m in love and it’s finally not you ☺️

[jj666lust]

I miss you so much right now...

[jj666lust]

Today I lie here in pain. More physical pain than heartache. I did it to myself... I punished my body as if it would help me get you back...

I can’t move.

I can’t use my brain correctly.

No motivation left in me...

What do I do now? Where do I go? I’m wallowing in pain and self destruction.

What happened? Are you jealous? Fed up with me? Can’t even bother with me? Something bad happened to you? Or am I just being forgotten because I’m not enough to be remembered and respected?

Anyway I suck, I’ll go suck a random male erect sexual organ. Bye.

[jj666lust]

Here I am again, like a fool that never learns.

I let myself get the slightest hope that I could come to dislike you and move on. This boy gave me this shimmering twinkle of hope... and just as I was starting to let myself believe it, it all came crashing down. I tried so hard to hold back the tears...

I could not show weakness, and it’s all because of you. Thankfully you were there... otherwise I would’ve probably suffered all day all by myself.

I can’t let this get to me more than it should, I keep repeating to myself. And yet all I think about is you still... even though this boy gave me hope and made me feel a bit of courage to completely leave you and stop wishing for you, as soon as that hope was crushed, all my love for you came back. Sad, isn’t it? It makes me wonder if I’m so attached to you because is all I have? Or is my love so strong that I keep coming back to you?

[jj666lust]

[jj666lust]

There’s a boy sleeping in my bed, a boy that is a whole decade younger than me... as I watch him sleep so peacefully, I’m washed over with shapeless emotions. “What if he became someone important in my life, I want him in my life from now on...” -Misaki style from JJRo.

But...

How did it end like this?

Yes, how? While I’m still annoyingly in love with you...

This happened all because of you, all because of me...

I was feeling lonely and wanted to seek some company. I downloaded a dating app , and it all started. I told you about an encounter which at first, I had zero intentions of letting you know, but then I needed some guidance, so I gave in and told you all about it.

What did you do? You went and downloaded said dating app, and consequently started having encounters and dates, then telling me all about it.

The last date you had hurt me more than I thought, by this time I had already deleted this app. Yet, you kept on going, meeting new people, then filling me in with the details. This latest date you had hurt me so much, and you probably did it on purpose or have no idea about it. The reason it hurts so much is not the date itself, but your attitude. After preaching for so long about not wanting to fall in love or be in a relationship that involved cute physical moments , you go and get too excited about this one date...

This made my heart spiral down into an abyss of ache. Making me realize how much I still love you and wish for you...

On this moment of weakness from my part, I decided to download yet another dating app. This time meeting a boy who happened to be comically near me. I thought he was cute and decided to give him a chance, resulting in the current situation I’m faced with. A boy almost a decade younger than me currently draped over my bed...

[jj666lust]

I am ready

I’m ready to talk about our past. I’m ready to let my feelings out.

I have been contemplating how to start letting my feelings pour out gracefully of the glass that was getting too full.

I have finally got the courage to put it into words.

I love you. That much has been made clear.

******************************

Going way back...

I met Susana in a class which for some reason I cannot remember. But I remember it was the semester when my heart would be broke into tiny pieces.

I had my heart broken that semester.

By a guy who I thought was my soulmate, who I thought I loved. But I was naive.

I met Susana, and I felt a little pity for her, she seemed a little airheaded and too young and too innocent to understand life. She had ideals and could not process other people’s views. I remember looking at colored pencils, organizing them in a row, rainbow colored coded. These were not mine however. As I looked and played with these pencils, Susana told me about herself and I could not process it. Thinking of what I was going to say next about myself.

I felt so much pitty for Susana I thought I could help her by being her “friend.” At this point I felt I had more life experience than her. I felt like I had everything set for my life.

Susana was nice. Yet she ticked me off so much I wanted to dig deeper into her life, but she never let me. Maybe she sensed I was not sincere. Maybe she had past trauma with people being like this to her.

****************************

I had just come back from South Korea, and I had set myself to a career in the fashion industry. I lied. When I met people in Korea I told them my major was fashion, because ones major was very important to people when getting to know each other. I lied, yet I felt responsible and made it come true once I stepped on US soil.

I started my fashion career in college a college we all know and I’d rather not mention.

At first I was clueless, and at times I felt I knew everything.

So I met Susanna in my second semester, and I forgot about her right after.

I Got my heart broken. And I had no thought left in my head to care about poor lil Susana.

A couple semesters passed, or maybe just one... but it felt like forever...

I was so desperate to find new love or just a body to comfort me. I looked online. I found it. The comfort I was looking for.

This is my biggest regret and downfall.

I met Kevin... and it was a roller coaster... it still is.

—————————————-

I am intoxicated as I write this.. but I will not regret... because I am sure that I love you more than anyone else... and you know that I adore you...

[jj666lust]

“I’ll make it up to you” is the worst thing you can ever say to me, or to anyone. I hate it, we’re through if you ever say this. The story of the why for this, to come.

JL

[jj666lust]

Back to when I met you

I walked with you after class.

It was dark, and I pretended to be interested in Clarinne’s stories. You should know one thing, I got close to her to get to you, now I finally understand. 

First it was her, it didn’t work. Then Susanna came. Even though you hate her now, I am really thankful to her, and to me. 

When I first met Susanna, she tried really hard, and she annoyed me. I faked niceness again. I am glad, very much indeed. Glad that I did a good job with her, because next thing I know you are really close to her. It took me a while to remember who you were because your hair was so different.

No more bleached blonde. 

***************

I need to collect myself before I continue the tale about Susana, You, Me, and Fashion School.

[jj666lust]

The truth about the failed English class

I failed my Critical thinking English class last semester. 

You were there, next to me everyday. I was weak. I could do nothing but enjoy your company. 

I successfully pretended to finish my class even though I stopped attending due to being too distracted by you. But somehow I have a feeling you suspected my lies. 

Sometimes I am surprised at how much you know me. How much you pay attention to. This, I find mesmerizing. I am enchanted by your charms like I am relieved to breathe fresh air. This is your charm.

I am taking English again, online. 

To keep a secret, my laptop can. 

But your eyes. What secrets do your eyes keep?

I feel something, I am not blessed with your charm, I cannot tell. 

This time around I keep being distracted by you. As we make plans over text. 

You know, but not really, I am leaving you.

Soon.

Sooner.

Before you move towards me, I will be gone. 

Please hold me, take my hand, be honest. My heart is pleading for this, but I know it will not happen.

I won’t fail this time around. 

[jj666lust]

This is the story of us

This is going to sound cliche.

I met you in a class, and I was struck by your wittiness, your silver boots, your little hard coin purse, your bleached blonde hair. I could not concentrate that day on what the professor was saying. It was late, I was tired and feeling elated by your presence. 

I was waiting for my new boyfriend, and I was still agonizing over the scar my last romance had left me. 

You talked. 

You were passionate.

I wanted to be part of your world so badly, even though I was oblivious to it at the time. 

Fate is a funny thing. Destiny, if you will... isn’t it just the outcomes of the choices that we make every day in split seconds? Yet it can greatly impact your life,

or not. 

*******************************************************************

I am angry at you right now.

Mad at myself for falling for it. 

What is love anyway? You say you cannot love. You even said once you thought you were in love just quietly waiting for my reaction. Well, did I surprise you? I had zero feelings or signs of any interested reaction on my face. I felt a lot though, why couldn’t I just be honest? Why weren’t you honest and told me how you felt right there? 

You said: “I’m in love with myself, LOL” as you looked away after being disappointed in my reaction and embarrassed at the same, for saying such a thing after declaring so many times that you feel nothing, you can’t love, and blah blah. 

You anger me so much. 

I hate you.

I hate you.

I love you.  

[jj666lust]

And So here it begins...

If you want you can see my other account, it is all about him... and my shapeless thoughts and rants. The photos are significant though, some of them that he took, some of them that are of me and him... you just can’t see it.  

[jj666lust]

Here I am again.

 Making another faceless web account to let out everything you make me feel and think about. I need to share the battle going on in my head because of you... Also I am in need to write and polish my writing (?)