jlappel19

[jlappel19]

Lucky and no complaints

I am beyond lucky right now. I have a job, my health is in relatively good shape and no one in my direct life right now is is being affected by the virus anymore. 

Except one of my favorite students. His mom told me the news on Wednesday. And she is starting to feel symptoms. Why the fuck is this happening. This sweet little boy has the biggest heart of gold and now has to potentially deal with this virus affecting his whole world.

I literally try my best not to complain anymore, why should I? I know if I stay home and work every day, I am one of the lucky ones.

[jlappel19]

Sadness for the Small Business

One of effects of this pandemic that causes me to feel extremely sad is the suffering of the small businesses. So many small businesses are being negatively impacted due to these required [and completely necessary] closures on non essential services. But that doesn’t mean the right decisions have the right outcomes. I went with my roommate to pick up dinner from one of the local shops in town and the owner was telling us that most businesses will not last another 6 weeks of a shut down. How on earth is that fair? SO many hardworking people put all of their time and effort into their passionate business and it could fall apart at no fault of their own. I find myself becoming hysterical about this. And besides ordering food locally, what else can I do ?

[jlappel19]

Hitting Close to Home

Covid-19 can seem almost surreal until it hits you close to home.

My dad who is 62 years old is an essential NYS government employee. He lives at home with my mother who is a 61 year old retired woman. My mom kept begging him to figure out a way to work from home because he was vulnerable. He didn’t listen and one day when he was leaving work, his boss told him that someone in the office that my father had not come into contact with was being tested. Immediately, the building was shut down and my dad would start working from home. My mom made him self quarantine to the upstairs part of our house until the results came back. She moved herself downstairs and would deliver him his meals outside to their bedroom. She didn’t see him until today, when he finally called and let her know the test was negative. I was relieved and happy that both of my parents are safe. 

One of my best friends(who has asthma) is not in the same lucky boat. Her father started exhibiting symptoms  a few days ago so she drove him to the hospital while wearing protective gear and disinfected before, during and after bringing her dad to the hospital. He tested positive and is now being treated for pneumonia. Luckily, he seems to responding to treatment well. However, my friend is now experiencing symptoms from simply driving her father to get medical attention. As of today, her symptoms are still prevalent but some feel better than others. I am praying for her fight. 

In both of these situations, I was/am worried that someone who doesn’t deserve to be sick and did everything they could do quarantine still were put at risk. 

Stay the fuck home. 

[jlappel19]

Prior to COVID-19

It’s almost hard now to imagine a time before COVID-19. I can’t believe that a month ago around this time, I was so upset about having to go back to work after our winter break. I was stressed out about returning to my less than perfectly behaved class and having to dedicate the next few weeks to test prep. I was so bitter and was so determined to job hunt for next year so I would not have to go back to the environment I was dealing with, which seemed to treat kids only as number who passed or didn’t pass.  I was (and still am) dealing with an ear infection that was causing pain I had never experienced before. I was feeling very overwhelmed by the negatives in my life, and boy, was my perspective about to change. 

Since I had this crazy ear infection, I was in and out of doctors since February and the shift in medical environment changed substantially every time I went in. More signs were posted every time I went in, I was consistently being asked if I had a fever or if I had been out of the country and people seemed more skeptic about being in the office. The last time I went in, everyone in the office had to be six feet apart and both doctors who I saw that day assured me that everything was clean and told me not to be afraid to seek medical attention going forward. One of them was utterly outraged by the fact that people were being turned away if their condition wasn’t serious enough. I wonder what her thoughts are now on everything going on. I will find out after my CT scan 4/9 I guess (if I am still allowed to get on then. 

My last week of work before we closed feels like it lasted 3 years. At the beginning of the week, we were told we would not be closing unless COVID-19 was in the school and to stick to test prep schedules and enter data as if the world wouldn’t turn if we didn’t put it in. Wednesday strolls around and staff members are outraged that we’re all at risk by being in school still, but no sign of closure. I decided to educate my students about the COVID-19 that day and give them time to ask questions and one of my main goals was for them to know that no one was the blame for this virus.  Trump broadcasts to the country that night at China and Europe are to blame and the virus is bad.  By Thursday, I had 11 students in class. By that afternoon, we were being told make emergency packets in preparation for school closings. By Friday at 1 pm where I still only had 11 kids, we were told school would be closed until March 30th. That night, I went out that night to dinner with friends where I was also sent the new testing schedule. At this point I was like this school does not understand what the fuck is happening.

So let’s skip back to Wednesday that week where I told my coworker that this was the ultimate uncuffing season. Who the fuck would even think about kissing a boy let alone shaking hands with one in a time like this? What does my idiotic self do Friday night? Well, after dinner we went to an uncrowded bar (as permitted by the CDC) to have some post dinner drinks. Some sir decides to buy us tequila shots, so I decided to buy myself a corona to stick my tequila shot in (yes I am weird, get over it ) While, I am waiting, I see this boy sitting alone at the bar and I cannot stop staring at his side profile. He’s on his phone and his sipping on something on the rocks. Normally, unless I have enough tequila in me, there is NO way I am brave enough to make a move on a guy who is hotter than me. The rejection would literally plummet my already low self confidence so I just never do it unless I think I won’t remember the next morning. But there is something about this guy I can’t shake, so I decide to tell my friend. She offers to go over and wing woman, but having been in a relationship for 4 years, quickly realizes she has zero game. Thankfully, my roommate still has plenty of game despite her 4 year relationship, and goes over to figure out the situation. She comes back to me and lets me know he is indeed very cute, single, a liberal (politics is a huge box for me) and wants me to go over. K, fine I’m only 24 years old I can do this? Holy shit, when I say I could swim in this sir’s  blue eyes and melt into his smile, there is no exaggeration. Turns out this handsome man is a 30 year old guy from Iowa, definitely not what anyone or myself I would ever think I would consider. Turns out we have many similar interests and amazing chemistry. Like making out with his perfectly scruffed face was definitely the best make out in quite sometime. At one point, he stops while we are talking and tells me “Ya know, when you smile, your eyes squint in such a way that is truly unique and adorable.” OKAY SIR, I HAVE ONLY BEEN INSECURE ABOUT SQUINTY EYES SINCE 1ST GRADE WHEN MY IDIOT FRIENDS MADE FUN OF MY FOR THEM FOR YEARS. Oh and he hates country music and has the hebrew world timshel tattooed on his arm. I don’t believe in soulmates by any means, but if there were soulmates, I don’t know if anyone could top this guy. As badly as I wanted go home with him that night and see what else our chemistry had in store, my unwaxed legs and bikini stopped me. His way with words carried me through the week through texts until we dangerously decided to have a date at his apartment since at this point we were shelter in place. The night consisted of red wine, saved by the bell, some good loving, and very open conversation and communication. Again, I asked myself, where the fuck did this guy come from and how does he stay? Naturally, we haven’t been talking as much since that night, but I don’t believe as of now it has anything to do with me. (maybe it does but my gut feeling tells me I am not seeing the last of this boy) if not, this can be called “the one who got quarantined”

The anxiety and fears that have come with COVID-19 causes people to not think rationally. I myself, have been more emotional since all of this has happened. And I have “no reason” to be upset. I am healthy, I am able to continue work through remote teaching, I have a car so I can safely travel to get necessities, I live in a city that hasn’t been hit too hard COVID-19 cases and plenty of space to do solitary exercise while practicing social distancing, my roommate is one of my best friends and I am grateful we have each other during this time, my family hasn’t ben affected my the virus yet.

But humans get emotional, as much as I hate it because I have my emotions. I don’t like dealing with them and often times coping with them causes a lot fo self deprivation and I am humiliated with how I feel. But I cannot continue to break down in tears and not cope. So, I will be using this space to write about my feelings and emotions about anything I need to reflect on during this COVID-19 outbreak. 

Let’s see where this goes.