joewest582

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

Hyperemesis. The pregnancy demon that no one talks about.

Every day I force myself to get out of bed and I lay a clean cute but comfortable outfit out on my bedroom shelf.

I know most days I won’t get to wear it but it’s the thought that maybe I’ll catch a break today.

Maybe I’ll get a glimpse of relief and positivity and want to leave the house.

Some days just looking at my perfectly folded outfit, ready for me to hop into, is the only thing keeping me from feeling completely useless. Like hey, if I really want to I could be myself today, right? Wishful thinking if you’ve ever been damned with this god awful pregnancy diagnoses “Hyperemesis gravidarum”.

Aside from the normal aches and pains, pregnancy should be something you look back on and smile. creating life!

Beautiful and miraculous.

For me, my first pregnancy was a game of “maybe next week it’ll get better”. As nieve as that seems now it honestly kept me going. It pushed me through each day. It kept me from breaking down in the bathroom from pure loneliness.

See, that’s what people don’t see from the outside of this. They don’t see the countless hours alone and miserable while your family and friends continue on with their life.

Seeing someone just look genuinely healthy, Like the color of their face is nice, That is the type of thing that makes me incredibly envious these days.

I see someone enjoying food and I could cry.

After each small resting period i get each day, I wake up hoping I am not nauseous and ready to vomit.

The lucky times I am not, I try and hold a meal down which usually doesn’t go well.

Back to the beginning..

The first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant with my second child, I immediately began to stress that I would have the same diagnoses as I had with my son. I was about 6 weeks when I found out and aside from a little morning sickness I was fine!

It was week 8 that all he’ll broke loose. I was up every hour vomiting everything I’ve ingested in the previous hour. Water, saliva, a DAMN POPCICLE!! Anything I tried to put in my stomach immediately came back up.

Now, know this....

I’ve learned a few tricks with my first pregnancy on how to atleast train my body to find a resting period. It took a few weeks and with some patience and some tears (ok lots of fcking tears!!!) I now can eat supper (usually) or lunch, keep it down and not begin the vomiting episodes until 3-4am.

This might still sound horrible to most of you but this is huge for me.

Disclaimer: I’ve resorted to some “non traditional” medicine this time around as I suffered far too much with my son. On max doses of nausea medication and several trips to the ER I decided I did not want to go that route again. There are safer more affective things than steroids.

That being said, this is a topic I choose not to put up for debate as it was strictly a personal choice that I have done my own personal research on and have decided it was the best route for a safer pregnancy. I really don’t like confrontation and the topic usually brings up lots.

I am currently on a short term disability with my work, and I am so grateful that’s a available for me. I was off a lot with my son, it would’ve been impossible to work. So I knew once this thing started creeping in again for my second pregnancy that I would have to likely take some time off again.

I am finding it a lot harder mentally this time around. I have no grasp that it “might get better”. I know I may get a few weeks in the late second trimester where I’ll feel good for a few weeks, as this happened with my son, but even looking forward to that seems impossible some days. I keep thinking “what if it doesn’t get better this time?”. It’s so god damn stressful.

The holidays came and went in our house and aside from some small moments with my son that I was able to quietly sit by and enjoy, it was the hardest thing sitting alone in the washroom wherever I went.

After Christmas Eve I completely broke down. My body felt as if it was shutting down, it was so sore and tense from fighting back vomit allday. Pushing through and trying to be happy for my family.

I broke and I knew it.

My fiancé just held me as I cried Christmas Eve. I worried I wouldn’t be able to help make our sons holidays special. He reminded me, as he’s done many times before, that we have so many more Christmas’to enjoy.

I am so fcking thankful for that man. He really made it tolerable the first time around and as hard as this is on both of us he is always strong and encouraging.

Any of my ladies going through this, I feel for you.

I feel for all of us.

I hope today no one tells you to try flat ginger ale as it’s just “morning sickness”.

I hope you’re family supports you and helps you through this.

I hope every single one of you get some relief one way or another.

Love from one hyperemesis mamma to another ❤️

[joewest582]

This is us. This is why I love him. This is my “husband to be” sitting on the floor of our standup shower ensuring our son who is sick at the moment gets a little bit of fun before bed. This bearded, burley man, is sitting playing with our son. This is sacrifice! This is what we do for our children. This is being a parent. Intimate time to ourselves is now shared. Intimacy is being with our child. He is everything. They are both, everything.

[joewest582]

Come on...Everyone knows you knock the line up of shells on the top off with the walking shell 🙄🙄🙄 you don’t just willy nilly up there stomping on them!!’ 😵

The Retromini (Retro mini) is a handheld console which can play GB, GBC, GBA and NES Games. At only 103. grams with the battery, it is lightweight and extremely portable. It has L+R triggers for GBA games and includes 508 Games into one convenient player that fits in your pocket, with the potential to hold hundreds more games with its MicroSD slot. It is an ideal choice for entertainment on-the-go. You can find the Retro Mini HERE!

1. RetroMini + 8gb TF Card (Frosted White)

2. RetroGame

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

We have a walker !!!!

[joewest582]

I Dreamt of a lunar eclipse...

So a few nights ago I had a dream of a lunar eclipse. It was huge, it felt so real to see the orange moon suddenly giant in front of me, almost duplicate with a shadow. I could see it’s texture. It was the most peaceful I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve since researched (very little) of the meaning behind it. As it turns out, there are several VERY different meanings behind it but the one that certainly stood out the most was “emotional turmoil”.

I wouldn’t say I feel emotionally wrecked at this point in my life but I certainly have conflicting feelings surrounding just about everything that seemed to be solid before I had Benjamin (my son).

Things that seemed certain now seem very uncertain. Emotions that felt secure now suddenly feel easily accessed and vulnerable. The only consistent emotion I have is love for my fiancé and son. That’s it!

I am unsure of our future, or where we’ll be.

Will we be climbing the corporate ladder for the rest of our time here on earth?

Will I some day enjoy the luxury of LIVING and not working to live?

Will my fiancé stay madly in love with me even though I can be extremely hard to deal with some days.

Will he still love me when I’m falling apart more each year?

How do I fix my well being?

How do I neutralize my emotions?

Where’s the balance I am usually preaching about?

I’ve seemed to lose touch.

I have some relationships in my life (one in particular) that are hanging by threads. They’re extremely emotional and confusing. Everyday I consider cutting ties for my own health and well being. Even though there isn’t anything actively happening, I can feel the negative vibes everyday.

Knowing someone thinks of me as selfish, when I am not.

Knowing someone thinks I do things to purposely hurt, when I do not.

This particular relationship I’m speaking of is with one of my best friends. As easy as it sounds to say “move on” I just cannot walk away.

There are thoughts and emotions she has surrounding me that are very hateful and misguided. My anxiety and introvert personality has lead her to believe I do not care. As the accusations of selfish behaviour seemingly grow my anxiety and stress grows with it.

My other friends understand.

They understand life’s busy hustle.

They understand the need to spend time alone.

They understand we will not always be in touch on a daily bases...

and that’s ok.

My emotional state could be compared to a big slice of Swiss cheese. Yes I said it. Swiss cheese. It’s full of holes. It’s one hole away from crumbling. Anyway, I’m realizing just now, that was not the best analogy! LOL! But that’s what it feels like.

I can say my face is usually set to happy but behind the mask is a struggling young woman who is trying to figure out the purpose. The big picture!

The reason people can’t find empathy. I can usually find empathy in people to a point where it’s flawed. I often oversee truth and deceitful ways due to empathy.

I would never, ever make a friend feel the way I’ve been made to feel.

I would never, ever use Someone’s generosity and good nature to my advantage (unfairly).

The reason why I can no longer find balance and control with my emotions. Am I suddenly chemically unbalanced? Or have I had my emotions on lockdown up until Benjamin.

Have the flood gates opened? Seeing my son for the first time could have possibly opened my emotions up and made them very accessible. I’m very sensitive now. I’m very vulnerable to what the people in my life think of me.

To say this lunar eclipse dream was a sure sign of emotional turmoil would be slightly accurate I suppose. I’ve got my big girl panties on and manage everyday but it gets exhausting. Mentally and physically.

I don’t have any followers here on tumbler, but it sure feels good to write this. It sure feels good to get this off of my chest to an audience with no bias judgement.

It sure feels good.

[joewest582]

There is no worse feeling than seeing someone you love struggle emotionally and physically in a relationship that is quite literally killing them. Not being able to help. Words can only go so far. So badly wanting to help even if you could just hop into their skin and make all of the hard decisions they’re so unable to make. People shouldn’t break other people. Narsaacistic people will never see your side. If only you could reach into thier soul and make it realize the blindness of love. How important it is to put yourself first when being destroyed. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms. Being a strong willed person watching someone so caring and sensitive be crushed by hurtful actions. Thinking they are not who they thought. Thinking maybe what they say is real. There is no worse feeling than seeing someone you love be emotionally wrecked.

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

[joewest582]

Kids can be cruel- how can I teach my son to understand others? And their differences?!

Ben (my son) and I were sitting out yesterday when it was humid and hot out, watching the kids come home from OVEC, the local junior high school. Overhearing some of their conversations kind of made me cringe (especially the little ladies🙄) but one conversation made me realize how mean kids can be and probably not even realizing. Two well dressed boys were laughing and talking about a boy who wears the same shorts and shirt every day. How gross and dirty it was. My mouth zipped tight I couldn't help but wonder what that boy lives like at home. Is school is grand escape? Do his parents or guardians have the means to dress him in clean clothes everyday? Do they even notice? Is he being neglected? Is he stubborn? So many questions ran through my head but most of all I thought back to when I was that age. I don't recall having any judgement on those who seemed to have less than I did, but I do recall being ashamed to tell my friends some of my jeans were from Walmart. I recall joining in on conversations and laughing at others expense. I remember feeling guilt and shame.. but I don't ever recall standing up to the people I laughed with. I don't remember voicing my non judgement. I was a shy kid growing up and I always had strong personalities close to me as friends. All I can hope is Ben stands behind the ones who need him to. I hope he grows knowing right from wrong. I hope he knows not everyone has the means to have new clothes. I will teach him to stand up for those who are being treated unfairly. To be the strong voice and not fall silent to the strong personalities with judgemental opinions of others. It was really tough to hear these young boys talk this way and kind of put a damper on my day yesterday. It's a hard cold reminder that we need to raise our children to be kind to one another. those boys were probably nice kids, they honestly probably didn't understand why some kids go to school that way. Not even able to fathom the lifestyle this child may have. I promise to teach my son solid values. The world is shaping to be such an awful reality, I want him to make the best of his reality. Every single day.

[joewest582]

@turbobooney

Holy shit im dying right now..prob the best one

[joewest582]

😭😂

Bacon Pancakes, New York remix

[joewest582]

Am I "THAT" mom? And how do I be okay with it if I am?

Lately I have been beating myself up extra hard over things that seem to be unavoidable. No, unavoidable seems like the wrong word. Things that seem too damm hard to fix, especially with a two month old child. I know it's cliché to say I pictured myself to be a mom with motivation and drive. A mom who washed her hair and shaved her legs. A mom who worked hard on creating some sort of schedule and control on her child's habits and patterns. Dare I say it, a mom who still satisfied her partner sexually, or atleast made an effort to do so!!! I am none of those things and it's killing me lately. Maybe it's the winter weather and the lack of fresh air turning my brain to mush and my thoughts into negative self esteem killers. I'm not sure, but I wasn't this hard on myself up until recently and I'm not sure how to manage it. Lately my two month old son is up every couple of hours looking for my attention (or my boobs) and come morning I am feeling so tired that lifting my feet off of the ground is a challenge. I walk past the mirrors as quickly as I can to avoid looking at the person I'll see; a woman with a three day old pony tail and milky stained, far too tight tank top that once hung nicely over her chest. I find myself in the kitchen mixing a half and half bottle of breast milk and formula because my boobs have very little to give after a night of constant feeding (that's a whole other blog in itself, I'll get there). While my child is crying impatiently waiting for my return I'm holding back tears praying to the baby gods that my child takes a nap longer than twenty minutes at some point through the day so I can regain some of my sanity. As I lay him in his swing, I manage to sneak in two toaster pastries and a bottle of water before crawling back Into bed as he dozes off. Monitor on, laying in bed hoping he stays asleep until noon, I can't help but start beating myself up. Thinking, get up, get a shower. Take him to see his great grand parents. Leave the house and go shopping with him, moms do it all of the time. Why'd I eat those pastries? I should really be eating better. No wonder these tank tops are tight. Try his crib, he should be crib sleeping by now... shouldn't he? Clean the house, honestly you've had clean laundry sitting for days waiting to be folded. Make your bed! Wait, that would require you get out of it for once. He woke up an hour ago, why are you still in bed? now with him trying to force him back to sleep after a feeding. Maybe you'll get one more hour. ONE more. Seriously..... these are the things cluttering my head. It's 2:30 in the afternoon and instead of making a healthy lunch and doing yoga while my child contently watches I am laying in my milky and poopy stained bed with my baby boy praying he goes for another nap. Some days I do get up out of bed. I do grab a quick shower and freshen up. I do make a healthy lunch and contemplate plans of leaving the house (some days i even put them into action). I guess I am hitting a wall these past couple of weeks and for some reason being unreasonably hard on myself. I know I am not alone, yet I seem to make myself think I am. I know the type of mom I aspire to be everyday are very rare in existence and they must have some sort of sorcery or tricks up there sleeves. Yet every day I've been useless I beat myself up to the point of tears and shamefulness. Why? Why do we do this. Being a mom can be a hard enough task, why make things worse! I can only hope some night he will sleep a solid 4 maybe 5 hours and maybe those days I can work to be better and treat myself better. Someday he will be much easier to take to the grocery store to stock up on fresh food to eat. Maybe someday he will even like doing a quick stretch with me in the mornings. By that time though, I'll be back to work and he'll be gaining his independence and I'll be missing the days my two month old needed me so much. Forgetting the extra weight and sleepless nights. Forgetting how shameful I felt and instead wishing I could have one of those nights. At the end of the day, I have to practice taking it all in. Taking the good, the bad and the ugly and embracing it. Besides, my son will only be this small once. Every day is a day of his life I'll never get back. Enjoy the crappy food. Enjoy the days in bed. Enjoy the 2am chats with Mr. Drools. For one day I will miss them. ❤❤