joiesjourney

[joiesjourney]

An Open Letter to the Guy I Never Dated

I know that after some time passes, after I finally got over you, I will read this once more and it may make me laugh or make me cringe at myself. But right now though, I just know that it hurts.

You're the first guy I've ever felt this way with, so this is not going to be easy. It was this exciting and sad feeling at the same time. It was intense and it was a flush of emotions that was all new to me. And it came to me like waves.

I was led on by you and mostly by myself, my daydreaming, my hoping. I once had it, and each time that I thought I finally got it, it's already gone. There was nothing we could have done. Both of us are too quiet in our own way. Both of us have issues we're dealing with. This is why it's a hot mess. We didn't exactly do anything. I hoped and hoped and made up fake scenarios of us and created a version of you in my mind that didn't exist, while you, you just looked at me and watched.

You chose to be safe. I didn't, and it hurt. When I asked you what this was and you just told me that I'm a friend, it hurt. When you gave me mixed signals, when you watched my stories, when you sent me a friend request, when you cleared your throat as you walked by my desk, when you winked at me on my birthday, when you looked at me deeply in the eyes, when you listened to me attentively, when you assured me that it was all worth it, when you gave me a ride home, I was so confused. Up until now, I still don't understand what exactly that was.

I genuinely hope that you're okay. I hope that you don't drink too much and that you take care of yourself. I've always appreciated how patient and family-oriented you are. You, cooking for your family and looking after your brothers, have always impressed me. Your keenness and calm demeanor are qualities that I always admired. I know that you're a good guy and I was waiting for you.

And somehow somewhere it all went wrong. Or maybe it was wrong right from the very beginning. I don't know.

So this is an open letter to you, to the guy I never dated, but the guy I was in love with for more than a year. Now I'm gone, and I will try to move on. To start this process, I will be keeping my distance.

To the most patient guy I know, I love you, and I will unlove you. Soon enough. Maybe not right away, but soon enough. I just wish you all the best. I wish you love, too. The next time it arrives for us both, I pray we won't miss it.

And I'd like to thank you, too. Thank you because loving you made me realize that I do have a lot of love to give and that I can love someone this much and feel it so deeply. Through you, I realized that I need to reserve this kind of love for myself.

[joiesjourney]

Back to Tumblr! What to see and what to expect...

Hello! I'm back at it!

I can't believe it's been a solid three years since I last visited tumblr! I've been using it since high school which was, like, more than ten years ago, wow. 2014 has been ten years already? As much as it hurts to admit that we're all grown up now, yes, we are indeed adults now (shocking), and the adults we once looked up to are now super adults, and as a collective, we all still haven't figured it out. (Un)fortunately, no one knows exactly what they're doing. Surprise, surprise! Especially to the younger generation.

I'd like to think that us Millenials, we belong to the generation of transition. Our childhood was spent playing outside and during our teens, cell phones showed up along with the rise of social media. Friendster, MySpace, Facebook. All of those. At present, we're seeing how kids have become so obsessed with little devices that ate their lives. It kinda did ate our lives too, for better or for worse. We've come to a time when having no facebook, instagram, or even linkedin social accounts is considered "weird".

Anyways, I am back to using Tumblr again. It's probably just me who cares haha, but I've always had a little bit of passion for writing and blogging and one Saturday morning, I woke up and thought, "Heck, you've been living in your head, better find an outlet to release those and feel better." And writing down my thoughts always gets the job done. But this is far from being a diary lol. You won't see any "Dear Diary" prompts in here haha. The goal of this blog is to merely share my experiences, just to tell the little adventures I've been taking, and to also probably let someone know that they're not alone in their own journey.

For the 27 years that I've been existing, I've always known myself as a deeply feeling individual. Experiences just register more strongly. Sensitive. Introverted. More comfortable in writing than talking. Due to this personality and temperament, I grew up being reflective. About life. About the world we're living in. About encounters. It's a wonder, really. How we all came to live at this point in time. I don't believe that we exist by chance. I am convinced that there's something, Someone, who created and governs all things. I believe in God and in Jesus Christ. I believe that the God who created the universe loves me and all humanity, so He gave His Son to save us from our self-inflicted misery and death. It may also surprise people that I'm currently in the middle of deconstructing my faith. I have been a Christian all my life and I grew up at church serving through music and leading younger people in their faith, but I do have a lot of questions. I know that it's not that simple and I want to learn more. So here I am, in a wrestling cage with God, together with my experiences and my emotions. These are a few of the themes that I'd like to include in this blog.

And yes, I will also post some sceneries, coffee cups, outfits, and cute little finds in the city where I currently live. Hey, I know how to be unserious too haha. But yes, this is the life of a young Christian immigrant woman in self-discovery (I still like to consider myself young, maybe until I turn 50 lol).

Hope you're all safe. Your cup full and warm. Thanks for stopping by!.