just-a-useless-weirdo

[just-a-useless-weirdo]

Anxiety

Anxiety is an affliction to me daily. It always stops me from doing things and it makes me overthink every little thing in life. It makes everything hard for me. I can't even talk in front of people without getting too anxious. My anxiety is like a lash, it leaves scars across my skin and my mind. It holds me in a dungeon that is my mind. It makes me walk the plank, falling into an abyss of total panic. During these times people try to show compassion and try to help, but it does nothing I'm already drowning in this cold, hopeless, lonely ocean. It never feels repentant for all the times it's hurt me and broke me down. The medicine is my only salvation, it gives me some sort of refuge from anxiety's continuous torture. My anxiety despises the medicines, just like I despise the anxiety. I wish it could as simple as getting a passport and leaving to somewhere very far away,  but it's really not that simple to leave my mind. This place is my home, my whole being, but anxiety has torn it down, turned it into rubble. Anxiety has turned this once beautiful and peaceful place into a scary, lifeless, cold world. I wish I could go back to the peaceful times, but I know it will never be the same anxiety will always have some control of my mind. Remembering the times before anxiety took total control makes realize its always been here I just didn't acknowledge it, it wasn't strong enough to make its presence known. My anxiety has grown so strong that I need some sort of knight in shining armor to come and slay the monster of anxiety, but I don't want to bring anyone else into this hellhole of my mind. I don't want anyone to see past my facade that I've worked so hard to make it seem that I'm happy and okay, that I haven't changed or let every little thing get to me. I don't want people to see how weak I am. Although I know before I can ever think of fighting the anxiety I need to be stronger but for that to happen I need help I need someone to listen and tell me how to get to the point that I need to be at to beat this disease that has enveloped my entire life.

[just-a-useless-weirdo]

Anything for You

“What? When did we get a new kid?” I asked. “Today is their first day here,” Rachel answered. I was curious about this new kid, I asked Rachel “What is their name?” She replied, “Riley, they are in most of our classes so you can meet them soon.” “Have you seen Riley? Do you know what they are like?” I asked with curiosity. Normally, none of the new kids get Rachel’s attention, so Riley must be cool or something. “I had to show them around school yesterday. They kind of reminded me of you in a way,” she said, “they were wearing one of your band t-shirts. I just thought this might interest you.” she was right I was drawn by this, not many people like the bands I listen too, so it's just surprising. When we got to school, she changes the subject to our essay due in English class. Though I was still thinking about meeting Riley. We got our stuff from our lockers and headed to class. On our way, we met up with Megan, who is also in our class. Once we got to class and sat down, Rachel motioned to a person with short light brown hair, wearing an old Rammstein shirt with a jean jacket over top, and had grey ripped jeans on. “That’s Riley,” she said, ”so, what do you think?” “They seem cool,” I said nonchalantly. Both Rachel and Megan were shocked by how calm I seemed. Though on the inside I was kind of freaking out. Riley looked cool, calm, and kind of intimidating. I don't know how I would ever talk to them. I really did want to talk to Riley, so even though I was getting even more anxious as the seconds passed, I walked over to greet Riley. I tried my best to be calm, cool, composed, and not sound awkward. I started with, ”Hey, I love your shirt.” In response, Riley said “Hey, thanks. Do you like them?” I, being as awkward as I am, was confused by this question, Riley could tell and added, “Rammstein, do you like them much?” I felt so embarrassed by my confusion all I could say in reply was, “Sorry I'm socially awkward. I do like them, though.” “I can relate to that. By the way, I’m Riley,” said Riley, outstretching their hand. “It's a pleasure, I'm Amanda,” I said, awkwardly shaking Riley's hand and most likely blushing from the realization of just how cute this person is. I probably look like a total idiot. “And, this is Rachel and Megan,” I added when I noticed them standing behind me. They smiled and Megan said, “It’s nice to meet you.” Riley grinned and said, “I hope we can hang out, you guys seem cool.” We laughed at this and Rachel said, “If you get to know us you might take back that statement.” At this point, the bell rang and we had to go and sit down. After that, Riley sat with us at lunch and I think they realize just how weird we actually are, but didn't seem to mind. We had a lot of classes together and would hang out when we had free time. We became closer and I think I started to develop a crush on Riley. I knew Riley would ever like me back and if there was a chance it was slim. One day out of the blue, Riley asked me, “ Do you have a crush on anyone?” Without thought, I said, “Yes, what about you?” After I already said it I realized my mistake. When I saw Riley got this kind of sad look on their face, I don't know why. Riley said, still kind of bummed, “I do like someone. Who is your crush?" “I'm not going to tell you, that is confidential.” I joke trying to cheer up Riley and it worked, I got an adorable laugh out of Riley. “Who is your crush?” I added. Riley put a finger to their lips and said, “You will never find that out.” Riley couldn't help laughing when I pushed them lightly into the locker next to us. A few days went by normally until Riley came up to me and said, “You know how I said you would never find out who my crush is? Well, today might be the day you find out.” I was conflicted on how to feel about this, so, I just asked, “are you going to tell me now or do I have to wait?” “Well, that is undecided. Ask me after the first block.” Riley said. Every time I asked, Riley would procrastinate telling me. At the end of the day, I couldn't find Riley anywhere, then I got a text saying that Riley couldn't meet up and that I should check my locker. I hurried to my locker to see what Riley meant. In my locker, I found a note with “it's you” on it. I didn't know what this meant, but I was hoping it meant that I was Riley’s crush. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much, I didn't want to be disappointed. I couldn't help being excited. I was so nervous to see Riley, they were waiting for me at the school gates. When Riley gave me a questioning smile I understood what it meant. “Is it true? Or, am I just hoping for nothing?” I asked anxiously. Riley nodded and said, “It’s true, I like you. Would you go out with me?” I replied, “Yes, I would.” I tried my best not to show how nervous I was. The rest of that day when by normal besides it was a bit awkward, not knowing what to do. When I got home Gabby, my younger sister, asked, “Why are you smiling so much?” I told her about Riley and how we started dating. She was so happy for us. Somehow while Gabby and I were talking my mom overheard us and told my dad about me and Riley. After an awkward dinner, my mom sent Gabby to her room so we could talk. I was scared of what my parents were going to say. It was even scarier when they didn't say anything for about a minute and just kind of stared at me. When my dad finally spoke he said, “Were you going to tell us?” “I don't know. Probably at some point.” I said with a shaky voice. “How could you do this? You know how we feel about your relationships.” my mom said, shaking her head in disappointment. “Why can't I just date whoever I want? Why do you always have to be so judgemental of me?” I regretted saying that as soon as I saw my dad’s face stiffen in anger. “You know we don't support that and we have told you what would happen if you did this again,” he said without hesitation. My mom gave me this look that was a mix of anger, sadness, and almost anxious, “we don't want you to be like this. If you end it now we will let you off the hook for now but if you keep this up we will have no other choice.” I had no regret for saying, “I know that you don't want me here even if I end it now. So, why should I stay where I'm just a nuisance. Anyways I don't want to be in a place where I'm not accepted or supported for my choices. I just thought you would put my happiness before your stupid beliefs, I guess I was wrong.” Mom half-shouted at me, “if you won't change, then we don't want you to come back till you are fixed. So pack your stuff and find some other place to go.” I was already in my room by the time she finished. While packing some clothes quickly, I noticed Gabby come into my room. She hugged me tightly and said, “Please don't go, we can go out there and fix it. We can make it work.” I looked at her, we both know it won't be that easy, not with them. “I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to worry about this. I will be fine, but I have to go.” I had already text Rachel, Megan, and Riley, only Riley could let me stay over. When I had my bag packed I headed over to Riley's house. I got to Riley's house, Riley had me come in and right away we saw Riley's mom and older sister. Riley introduced me, then asked me, “What happened?” I told Riley about my parents and for the rest of that night we just talked. Few days went by, I was still staying at Riley's house, Riley’s mom and sister were so nice and totally different from my family. Gabby and I had talked at school a bit, then one day she told me that I should call mom and dad they wanted to talk to me. I called them and on the phone, my dad said, “Hello Amanda. We are very sorry for how we reacted. We let our beliefs get in the way of letting you be happy.” I didn't say anything, I was still haven't forgiven them. Now, my mom said, “We truly want you to be happy, so we are trying to change it might take a bit for that, but please know we are trying. And we want you to bring Riley over for dinner soon, it doesn't have to be tonight, but please think about it and text us if you decide. We love you, goodbye.” I didn't go that night, but when I told Riley about the call Riley convinced me to go the next night. When we got to my house, my mom already had dinner ready and was just waiting for us. She seemed excited to meet Riley, I know Gabby was happy with us coming over. During dinner we talked, it seemed kind of normal, we all talked and even laughed. After dinner, I and Riley were sitting together when my parents came up to us and said, “we are sorry for not supporting you soon. We are trying our best and we hope you will forgive us someday. We love you.” “Thank you for trying it means a lot to me, ” I said to them. They left and I turned to Riley and smiled, “Thank you for being the best girlfriend I could ever ask for.” In response, Riley said, “anything for you.”

[just-a-useless-weirdo]

my sister called my cat a walnut

my cat was sitting on her lap and my sister randomly said ‘she’s a walnut' i don't know why but it made me laugh so hard