just-aromantic-thoughts

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

It’s aro week!! here’s a list of things that helped me figure out I was aro 😄

These are things I’ve experienced that I know can be common with people who identity as aromantic or on the spectrum and hey maybe someone will relate and realize they’re aro too!

• I literally I have never had a crush on anyone. ever.

• I used to confuse wanting to be someone’s friend really bad for a crush

• I used to make up crushes so people would leave me alone about not having a crush. (That always bit me in the ass btw haha)

• I always found that while I can tolerate and sometimes enjoy romantic media, I never actually sought it out or if I did it was a last resort “there’s nothing else to watch” kind of thing

• when I first got into internet fandom the idea of shipping was so confusing to me I remember I kept thinking “yeah but who cares??” I kinda ship now but I’m still mehhhhh about it

• Gen fic is my absolute favorite kind of fic I will read gen fic over any shippy fic any day

• dating has been a nightmare. Every relationship I’ve had has been ended by me because the romance felt forced and uncomfortable and I felt like a liar

• I always gravitated towards bands that play little to no love songs

• before I knew I was aro I would go months to even years between boyfriends/girlfriends which everyone thought was weird but I just put off dating because I was happy and I didn’t feel the need to change that until people kept asking me why I’m not dating it was like “why don’t you date this person why not give this person a chance I just want you to be happy I want you to find someone you should go out and try and find someone look heres a dating app” like all of that confused me so bad so I made myself date because I thought I had to

• romantic gestures have always made me uncomfortable

• I’ve never been a cuddler and I’ve never cared for holding hands much either

• I was pretty much the last of my friends to start dating

I’m 24 now and I didnt really start to figure out I was aro until like maybe around age 22 which I seriously wished I figured it out sooner to save me from trying to date goodness those were uncomfortable times lol anyways I hope me being open about being aro helps someone who is scared of being who they are because every aro deserves to be loved the way they need 💚

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Aromantic? Never heard of it.

What does Aromantic mean?

Aromantic is a term used to describe the experience of feeling little to no romantic attraction.

Answers to other commonly asked questions:

What is the split attraction model? 

What are the different types of attraction?

What is the aromantic spectrum?

What identities are part of the aromantic spectrum? (note: Not a complete list)

What is a Queerplatonic relationship or QPP?

Squish? Swish? Blush? What the heck do these words have to do with attraction?

Doesn’t aplatonic just mean anti-social?

What does alloromantic mean?

What is amatonormitivity? 

Resources for Aro-spec Folks

Online resources:

Arocalypse

Aromantic Wiki

AceLauren 

Meetups:

Pioneer Valley Aces, Aros & Allies Meetup

NY/NJ Aromantic Meetup

College and University Groups:

Washington University of St. Louis 

Iowa State University

University of Colorado Boulder

University of California, Santa Cruz (Look for Ace of Clubs meet up)

Florida State University

Tumblrs:

@aromanticaardvark

@aroacepositivityplace

@arospecawarenessweek

@aromantichelp

@aromantic-tea

@aromantic-asexual

@a-quiver-of-aros

@aspecalpacas

@arospecinitiative

@romance-repulsed-aros

@dailyarospec-drawings

Pride Merch: 

Redbubble

LookHuman

TeePublic

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Can you be aro if you experience platonic attraction and even dated someone you thought you had a crush on before?

I did and I am. Labels are not about what makes everyone around you comfortable but what makes sense to you.

I had what I thought were crushes all they way up to Freshmen year of college before I figured out there was something off. If you feel aro, you are. It’s simple as that and no one can tell you otherwise.

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

I thought you didn't have to be repulsed by romance to be aro?

You don’t have to be. It’s a commonly experienced phenomenon of people who are aro, but it is certainly not a requirement.

~Badger 

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

I hope this isn't offensive but I don't understand some of your answers. Aromanticism has nothing to do with dreams or fears and isn't dependant on romance repulsion (though it is common) so why are you telling people who don't experience romantic attraction that they aren't aromantic?

No, I agree. Some of my answers from the past are certainly not perfect. I am not an expert at romantic identities. I am simply someone that experiences this identity and I can only give advice from what I’ve felt and seen in the world around me. And recently I did realize that obviously, someone didn’t wake up one day, have a question and immediately think, “I should ask that aro blog.” Certainly there was probably some process of elimination before they got there.

So I apologize if I ever made someone feel like I was rejecting part of their identity. Sometimes romantic repulsion is not a part of aromanticism (romantic identities can be a sliding spectrum), but aromanticism can also surfaces in many ways. It’s different for just about everyone. As I’ve said, there’s no rule book or road map to being aromantic and sometimes stuff I say is a reach.

Just keep in mind, nobody is an expert on anyone else’s life other than the person living said life.

I know I’m a single person behind a keyboard with a single experience. I’m just here to give support and advice when I can.

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

I don't know the difference in a romantic and platonic relationship? Like if I have both and neither is sexual (or both are) and have a close relationship with all the people involved in those relationships how would they be different? I enjoy physical affection I love to hold hands, hug, and cuddle anyone I'm comfortable with whose cool with it and I constantly tell friends I love them and send them corny songs n shit but I don't see any of it as romantic. Idk the concept of romance confuses me

That’s a good question. I mean even by dictionary standards the definitions are almost identical. Romance is the expression of love and platonic is affection that is unsexual. 

I’m a firm believer in several forms of love. Certainly if we only had sexual love as the definition of love it would be weird that I’ve told my family I love them for all these years.

So if part of your affection is physical affection and it isn’t sexual, it would be platonic.

So perhaps society as a whole needs to rethink the idea of romance, because romance is simply the expression of love. It doesn’t say sexual love or friend love or familial love, it just says love.

I think the reason why romance is confusing is because of the popular notion of love is always supposed to lead to sex (but not before marriage (don’t get me started on that)). Popular views would think it’s weird to tell your friends you love them but the great thing about being weird to “normal” people is it means you’re doing something right.

Thank you for this intriguing question.

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Hi! I've never been sure and I wanna know your opinion, so if i don't like kissing and hugging but i'm kinda okay about holding hands (just sometimes) is that about me being ace or being aro??🤔 cuz idk if i don't like the touching part of it or the symbolism that goes with it, i'm a lil confused

I mean, you might have something about personal space but I assume if you’ve come to an aro blog for answers you’ve already written that off.

Personally, I experimented a lot with my boundaries before I came to a conclusion.

It’s true, a hallmark of aromanticism is the dislike of romance connected things and sometimes hand holding and hugging could be considered in that, but I would continue to collect data. Is it one person or a group of people that makes you uncomfortable? Is it during some times or always?

Just remember to stay in a comfortable space for yourself, don’t push too hard or do something you wouldn’t want to do in a normal situation. 

Also, whatever you find is comfortable, be it touching or a label, just know that it is valid. You are allowed to feel however you feel.

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

I'm pretty sure I'm aro and maybe even ace? I want to date, like someone or even have sex in theory but definitely not in practice. It turns me off and makes me uncomfortable when someone tries to flirt with me or do anything romantic. Is it normal?

First off, “normal” is a relative term and designed to create any feeling but comfort.

I know the feeling and from what you’re describing, you might be on the aro/ace spectrum somewhere. Just remember there’s a lot of gray space on the scale and sexuality and romantic identities have been known to move around sometimes.

Just realize that what you’re feeling is normal for you in this moment and maybe listen to yourself a little. I always find that my gut instinct is the best judge, whether I know it or not at the time.

My point is don’t get bogged down by labels and stay in your comfort zone. I’ve gone on platonic dates where we had dinner, because every once in awhile it’s still nice to do that, but there was no pressure to become sexual or romantic. If you can find someone to do that with you, I think you might find your answer as to whether you’re aro/ace or just get date anxiety (like 1 in every 14 people in the US). Just remember, be explicit with your platonic date in what will happen and then try it. And try it every few months or so.

Exploring yourself and your experiences in this world is how we live. But as always, never do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Hope this helps,

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Hi I want to tell parents that I'm aro (and pansexual) but I have no idea how to do it right. Also they don't even know aromanticism is a thing ;-; Sorry for any mistakes, foreign girl here

Personally, I would stick to coming out as pan first. Then after the lines of communication are open, you can explain aromanticism.

Please take this advice with a huge grain of salt though, I just finished coming out to my family and everyone comes out differently. Personally, I don’t think I’ll ever tell my family I’m aro. I don’t know how and it was already hard to come out when I knew exactly what I was gonna say.

Good luck, friend!

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

I'm so dissapointed. I want to have butterflies and kisses and a cute romantic relationship SO BADly but I don't feel the things + any time I do anything vauegly romantic I feel like throwing up. I'm so romance repulsed it's actually kind of funny.

I feel you so much. Honestly when I found out aromanticism was a thing and that’s the reason I felt so weird in relationships and I felt so squirmy anytime it turned romantic, and it was subsequently the reason I ended every relationship I’ve ever been in, I was crushed.

The good news is, there’s a life outside of romance, despite what popular media and culture would like you to believe. Sometimes the best we can do is friends, but when you realize that’s the best thing there is and you let yourself become honest and connected with people without any sort of romantic intentions, it can be wonderful.

I definitely recommend exploring deep friendships and let the people you are making these relationships with know how important these connections are. Again, sometimes the best we can do are friends and family (both born and chosen) and it will feel better than you could ever imagine!

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Can't decide if aro or gray aromantic. I mean, it could just be aesthetic attraction instead of romantic attraction. I get "butterflies" or whatever around certain people, but I don't ever act on it and it always goes away, and never comes back. Since that happens, I'm not sure that counts as actually ever having a crush. Pretty much always confused to whether that counts as being aro or gray aromantic. Help?

Hey, you are preaching to the choir. As I believe I’ve mentioned before, sexual and romantic identities are on a sliding scale, not a pin point on a map. Believe me, I see people all the time and I get flustered and go, “do I want in their pants or do I want to see their faces in fine art?”

Keep in mind, if you do find yourself on that sliding aro scale, sometimes you can go straight from aesthetic attraction to sexual attraction with no stop at the romantic station. It’s kinda the way it is for some people (me included) and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s also normal to see someone that is hot and just immediately go “hot damn”. It doesn’t always return, even with the same person. It’s called hormones.

Just remember that your feelings, impulses, and desires are all normal parts of the human experience. Plus, putting 100% labels on stuff so fluid as a romantic or sexual identity is very difficult. Especially as an aro in a romantic society we have nothing to compare our experiences to. So there’s really no rulebook for what we see and feel. Never worry about if your label is correct or not and just live, my dear.

~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Hello. Aro-Ace female, here. I have a problem, and need advice. I am arospike. This means that I don't feel romantic attraction easily, but when I do, it skyrockets to 10 and then plummets back down to a 0 later on (about a few months later). During my times of intense romantic attraction, I've found myself looking at porn. I've blocked the porn side of tumblr all ready - that's taken care of. I'm struggling, though. I don't want to look at porn. Any tips on how to keep this addiction at bay?

So personally, I’m a sex positive person and meaningless sex (which almost all porn is) does not equate to love, for me.

Personally, when I want to distract myself from something I color, write, or read for a little while until the desire goes away. Distraction is great. An old roommate of mine trained herself not to curse by snapping herself with a rubber band. But I’m not sure how I feel about that one on a self-harm level. (Some of her welts were bad.)

I would also ask myself why the porn seems to fill a hole during your spikes. Maybe find a buddy who can keep you in check during those times.

Hope that helps. :) ~Badger

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Hiya!

So, I’ve been gone for awhile. I’m sorry for that but I have a plan to make it up to you guys though! I’m gonna answer some questions that have been burning a hole in my inbox!

Here we go!

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

i identify as an aromantic person, but I'm not repulsed by romantic relationships and would even want one, i just feel no romantic attraction. am i still valid if I'm not repulsed?

Short answer: Yes. Being romance repulsed is not a requirement to being aro. Some people experience it and that's valid, some people don't and that's valid.

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

I'm scared I could be aro, am I destined to die alone and unhappy?

First of all, you never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with and if you fear dying alone and unhappy, you are most likely not aromantic. Most likely, you’ve found aromanticism and fear that because you feel some of the emotions that are part of the experience, you may be part of the community. The thing about romantic identities is that you may slide up and down on the spectrum of identities, but where ever you fall on it now does not always indicate what you’ll identify as in the end.

I don’t fear dying alone and I am working to be unhappy the least amount of time as possible. Sometimes, it takes small steps to figure out what you’re feeling and if you think you’re aro, you have a community that welcomes you and will support you. If you ever have any other questions, you know where to come.

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Hypothetically, could an aromantic ever hope to have a strong, long term romantic relationship with someone? Or would it simply just not work?

It’s kinda in the description of aromanticism that romantic relationships are extremely unlikely. But strong, long term, platonic relationships are more likely. It doesn’t mean they couldn’t be intimate or exclusive though. As a matter of fact I have a friend who is married to her aromantic non-binary partner and they love it. Her partner is all about contributing to the safe space that is their home and building a life with her as a best friend. It’s an intriguing relationship and I really hope that one day I can be in a partnership such as theirs’.

[just-aromantic-thoughts]

Can your dreams relate to your identity? Like, I have a poor memory, but for some reason I almost always remember my dreams and I've only ever had 3 vaguely romantic dreams, with random unknown people. In them I liked spending time with that other person, but the thought of it being "a thing" freaked me out in the dreams, because I didn't want them to waste their time with me when I might not ever be able to return their feelings. Could this be a sign I'm aro? Or that I'm afraid I could be aro?

For me, my dreams are an artistic replay of my day. I get to relive the moments I liked, rework the parts I didn’t, and add in the stuff that I wanted to happen. But sometimes it’s like a weird premonition dream too. I believe its a little different for everyone but no matter who you are, it could always be your brain talking to you.

But to address your question, no I don’t think this means you’re aro. I think you’re afraid of rejection. Take this from someone who bailed out of my first few relationships because I thought I was boring the other person. I would give it some time, give yourself a chance while staying happy and comfortable. Even if you do turn out to be aro, it’s really not as bad as it seems and you’ll always have a welcoming community