justin-kaes

[justin-kaes]

Progress

I am tainted by desire to change, desire to progress, while this desire proves my own state of stagnation. True progress requires me to loose all desires and although my mind ackowledges the need for positive change, my soul verily requires none of it. While my mind catches up to my soul, I am guided. Guided by an Angel whose effulgence lights my path while her hand caresses my childish soul. You are the antidote to my obsessions, and you are the obsession that satisfies my wants. You are the earth that my dreams grow in and the water that infuses my ambition. I am but a child trying to please the world, clumsily doing all the wrong things, demanding your patience. I beg of you, your patience to endure! I shall progress!

[justin-kaes]

К марии

Я помню чудное мгновенье: Передо мной явилась ты, Как мимолетное виденье, Как гений чистой красоты.

В томленьх грусти безнадежной В тревогах шумной суеты Звучал мне долго голос нежный И снились милые черты.

Шли годы. Бурь порыв мятежной Рассеял прежние мечты, И я забыл твой голос нежный, Твой небесные черты.

В глуши, во мраке заточенья Тянулись тихо дни мои Без божества, без вдохновенья, Без слез, без жизни, без любви.

Душе настало пробужденье: И вот опять явилась ты, Как милолетное виденье, Как гений чистой красоты.

И сердце бьется в упоенье, И для него воскресли вновь И божество, и вдохновенье, И жизнь, и слезы, и любовь.

[justin-kaes]

Full glass

A mellow, warm feeling of comfort blankets me, reassuring me that I'm ok the way I am. She loves me the way I am and it gives me tremendous ease. She expects nothing of me, asks nothing of me. She gives me absolute freedom to do as I wish. At the same time she fills me. She fulfills me. She gives me everything that I need and I therefore need nothing else. No drugs, no sweets, nothing. I am fulfilled. The very definition of being free. Free from the superfluous need for consumption, free from the craving of false fulfillment. The emptiness inside me is now filled by her, rendering all other ingestion futile. I am a glass that is now filled by her. Adding even another drop to a full glass is absolute folly because it will spill. All the other substances that used to fill my emptiness are now in vain because she fills me and there simply isn't any space left. She thus also frees me from the need of absorbing other things that never benefitted me anyway. She makes me free. Our love is pure. We find no fault in eachother. She takes all my imperfections and turns them into assets, takes my insecurities and crushes them under her gentle caresses. She takes my mind and lays it to rest upon a bed of roses, fragrant and smooth and smiles at me that smile that men kill for, absolutely freely. All I wish in this moment is for her happiness to be absolute, like my own.

[justin-kaes]

Little wild flower

There once lived a little wild flower. She was beautiful, colorful and intensely wild which made her quite attractive to all who perceived her. Her petals were exquisite and her scent drew admirers from far and wide. The sun would rise everyday just to see her raise her magnificent face towards it and bask in its rays. The sun longed so much to see this wonderful little wild flower that it shone with all its might and the little flower followed its gaze all day long. And the earth held her so tightly that she stood tall and proud, aware of her beauty. The earth loved this wild little flower so much that it gave her all the nourishment it could absorb and infused into her roots all the love it had to offer. And the rain washed over her as often and as softly as it could. It loved her so much it would rinse the dust off this wild little flower and nurture her with its life-giving elixir so that her limbs may swell to radiate her beauty in the most praiseworthy way. And the wind gently caressed her slender frame, her tender petals and her emerald leaves with its breezy touch. It loved her so much that it carried her scent far and wide so that all the world would smell her splendour and be enraptured by it. It so happened that, one fine day, a scruffy little bear strode by not far from that wild little flower and the wind, perfectly capable of its craft, brought her perfume to his nose and he froze, excited. He stood up on his hind legs, pricked his ears and breathed in deep, his eyes searching. And when he saw her he was mesmerised and loved her at once. He began to kiss her and stroke her with his snout and she blossomed in his love and returned it with all her fervour. She had invited him into her heart and he entered boldly. She loved him and he worshipped her. She completed him and his devotion to her knew no bounds. Thus began the enchanting affair of the little wild flower and the bear, and their journey together has many stories yet to tell.

[justin-kaes]

Holding her

Holding her fills my heart with glee. My heart swells. It is almost as though her love is a star burning in my chest, and when I hold her it burns brighter than ever. Holding her is so wonderful not only because that tender, slender body feels so ecstatic to my touch. Holding her is so euphoric not only because the physical sensation of her skin and petite form drive my senses crazy. Holding her is so awe-inspiring not only because she is the most beautiful creature to dance on this earth. Not only, no. Holding her is the most indescribable joy because inside that perfect wrapping, inside that most sensual body, there is also a core of pure gold. Inside her she carries deep understanding, both of the heart and of life, she carries a tenderness that even the elves do envy, she carries the power of divine creativity. Inside that perfect shell she holds a love so sweet, I melt at the mere thought.

When I hold her I feel safe, loved, reassured, strengthened. Simply put, I feel at home. I feel at home when her heart is nearest to mine. She makes me feel like I am sufficient, like I am enough. She makes me feel strong and powerful. She makes me feel that I am whole.

Not only does the touch of her body give me euphoric shudders, but the touch of her core drowns my mind and heart in convulsions of orgasmic spasms.

Words cannot begin to describe my feelings, but I must try.

[justin-kaes]

excerpt from "war and peace" by tolstoy

"He is not to be apprehended by reason, but by life," said the Mason. "I do not understand," said Pierre, feeling with dismay doubts reawakening. He was afraid of any want of clearness, any weakness, in the Mason's arguments; he dreaded not to be able to believe in him. "I don't understand," he said, "how it is that the mind of man cannot attain the knowledge of which you speak." The Mason smiled with his gentle fatherly smile. "The highest wisdom and truth are like the purest liquid we may wish to imbibe," he said. "Can I receive that pure liquid into an impure vessel and judge of its purity? Only by the inner purification of myself can I retain in some degree of purity the liquid I receive." "Yes, yes, that is so," said Pierre joyfully. "The highest wisdom is not founded on reason alone, not on those worldly sciences of physics, history, chemistry, and the like, into which intellectual knowledge is divided. The highest wisdom is one. The highest wisdom has but one science- the science of the whole- the science explaining the whole creation and man's place in it. To receive that science it is necessary to purify and renew one's inner self, and so before one can know, it is necessary to believe and to perfect one's self. And to attain this end, we have the light called conscience that God has implanted in our souls." "Yes, yes," assented Pierre. "Look then at thy inner self with the eyes of the spirit, and ask thyself whether thou art content with thyself. What hast thou attained relying on reason only? What art thou? You are young, you are rich, you are clever, you are well educated. And what have you done with all these good gifts? Are you content with yourself and with your life?"

[justin-kaes]

Belong

Amidst the hustle of cosmopolitan frenzy, I sit, quietly mindful. Quiet but excited, at peace but alive. Inside me fireworks blaze galore but on the outside I am calm and composed, maintaining a moderate facade for the world to not be offended by. What is perfection? Even though I experience it I cannot begin to describe it, nor would I be correct even if I could. But I feel it none the less. And it's the most incredible feeling the world has to offer! No surprise there. Some, however, believe perfection- should it exist- would be boring. Oh how wrong they are! Not only does the definition of perfection forbid boredom but it also feels truly fantastic leaving no room for doubt. God, how did I get so lucky? As I sit here wondering, still pulsating from the passion of our union, I find my deepest desires fulfilled. The question arises: what's next? What does one do when all instinctual and emotional needs are met? It feels liberating and absolutely comforting to say the least. Since I met her, I've been living in a dream state, a surreal state of happy oblivion, only half awake, invariably dreaming of her. As I sit here now, constantly reminded of her by the scent on my fingers, I wish for nothing more. Her effeminacy impressed on my soul, I am fulfilled in my manhood. I feel immensely proud as a man to belong to a woman so elaborate in her femininity, and equally honored that such a woman should choose to belong to me.

[justin-kaes]

[justin-kaes]

Life is a dream

Past and future are mere phantasies that we cling to or fear, but neither truly exist. All we have is our conscious present. If we choose to be conscious. For if we aren't conscious in the present we don't even have that. We are entirely engulfed in our daily dealings, emotions and fears so it can be very hard to remain in the present moment. Fear is never truly present as it always concerns an event in a time yet to pass and if it doesn't exist in the present moment, it doesn't exist at all. It is a mere phantasy of our intellect's rhetoric. Consciousness defines itself in layers of depth. Our states of dreaming and of being awake portray different depths of consciousness while neither contains more truth than the other. Which of the two is deeper, I am not able to say but I am of the utmost certainty that many other layers exist, some deeper and some less so. By deepness of consciousness I mean the extent to which consciousness is aware of itself, or one could say- the extent to which distractions from the conscious self are absent. These distractions consist mainly of thoughts and fears which rob us of the serenity and pure awareness that distinguishes not between good and bad. For verily, neither good nor bad exist, each being a mere evaluation of our own puny intellect guided by its desires and fears. Our life is nothing but a state of awareness and we each define for ourselves how deep or shallow that awareness is- much like a dream- awareness rises and dissipates. Like water molecules condense into a cloud only to rain back down into the sea, our lives arise and pass by in an instant. Fear is of no value. Our consciousness is truly infinite and no weapon or torture can change that. This life is a dream and we choose how lucid we dream, but one thing is certain- another level of awareness will greet us upon waking.

[justin-kaes]

Average

It is an average day. It is average weathered and average tempered.

Crickets chirping. Leaves rustling.

The traffic is usual for the hour and people hustle like they always do.

A dog barks. A crow caws.

A wave rumbles in and retreats.

Suddenly, light. It floods the landscape of my thoughts.

She is anything but average.

A dole of white doves takes flight.

I can hear singing in the distance. Angelic voices reciting heavenly hymns.

A mighty old stag raises his crown and listens attentively.

A warm breeze blows over me. It is fragrant with the scent of the earth, the scent of the mother divine and I am its child.

It warms me. It warms my heart.

I am engulfed now, from all sides, by the multitude of this angelic melody. As though an entire orchestra was playing at my feet, the vibration perfuses me. It consumes me.

A peacock raises his feathered skirt, looks me in the eye.

My heart implodes, then it explodes, too much load.

I cannot bear it.

I think in fractals. Straight doesn’t exist anymore.

I’m blown to tiny fragments by the perfection I experience.

Any act on my part is utterly futile. I am bewildered beyond measure. Incapable of adequate action.

My mind is lost, its sanity a cloudy memory.

Mist rises from the ground and floats by me, floats through me, unhindered.

I give up, kneel down.

I wait.

[justin-kaes]

An instant

In an instant you robbed me blind,

robbed me of my senses and my mind.

You took the air out of my breath,

and let my ego die a subtle death.

you killed the lonesome in my heart,

to muse to life my soul so full of art.

You inspire me with your love and grace,

you still my hunger in your sweet embrace.

To be loving you, I humbly admit,

makes me proud and I readily submit!

To give you pleasure, I aspire to the highest measure!

To give you my love, is the grandest achievement that I can think of!

[justin-kaes]

тоска My heart aches for you, my chest is empty, so far is my treasure it hurts! I feel so hollow. In vain do I live, in vain do I feed myself, when all I want to do is consume you. I want to morph with you, get as close as ever could be! To be one with you is all that I desire. I am restless inside and out, dreaming of you, dreaming of us. My mind envelops you constantly. To caress your tender skin and stroke your silken hair I'd give my last breath. To hear your velvet voice teach me the secrets of love I'd offer up my soul! To hold you to my breast I'd walk to the end of the world! I live in the future. In a future with you. In a future of rainbows and butterflies, where we run, hand in hand, over the meadows of our conjoined spirits. Now does not exist anymore, all I see is you. Every moment I think of you, every thought I offer unto you my love, because you fulfill me.

[justin-kaes]

Out of nothing I came, into nothing I wonder. Nothing is ever the same, in the nothingness yonder.

Oblivion is filled to the brim, with lights bright and darkness dim. It is filled with hearts so brave, and it is filled with hearts of sin. In oblivion I stand alone, marvelling at the space I’m in.

Out of nothing I came, into nothing I wonder. To fill this empty space, that keeps me pieced asunder.

Detached, alone and afraid. With oblivion as my womb, I stand surrendered, frayed, and in the void I seek my tomb.

Out of nothing I came, into nothing I wander. To fill my empty heart, that yearns a love to ponder.

[justin-kaes]

What is life if it has no love? What is love if it is given under conditions? Conditions, which rob a love of freedom, merely portraying one's own fancies, one's love for oneself and one's ideals- even though they may be noble, they have nothing to do with love, for love is free. What is life if it has no love? What is death if I had no life?

[justin-kaes]

Love in three Acts

Act 1.

It drew me there. I don’t know why but I needed to go. I entered the smokey arena of intellectual creativity and waited for a table. That’s when she walked in. She walked past the one free table in the middle of the room, as had I, her eyes searching, as had mine. We exchanged a glance and a few kind but dry words. She then settled at the center table and a few moments later I sat down at a corner table. We glanced at each other curiously and my heart swelled. My mind was flooded with the warm sensation of sunlight upon a fragrant meadow. She began to glow as she read a book of fairy tales and her lips moved with the words. She smiled at the beautiful and the unusual words that she read, her mind exploding in a firework of delight and understanding, her lips silently narrating the story of her perception. She was beautiful. Radiating curiosity out into the world, she blossomed in the resonance that it gave her. I was enchanted. So pure was this creature in her being, so bright was the spark in her big eyes that it drew me to her, like the moth to the light. It was as if I could read her innermost thoughts like a page of plain text. It was as if the language of her mind was akin to that of my own, and I understood her.

Within me a dialogue began. A dialogue between my heart and my mind. My heart was enraptured with this beautiful creature but my mind with its false humility countered it and I found myself caught in the spiral of doubt where so many are unwillingly trapped. My heart was being pulled toward her but my mind held me back with metaphors of a lesser self value. I was stuck in this loop for a while, indecisive. Soon her friends would arrive and my chance would be lost. Our eyes met several times in a curious but shy flutter of breaths. The clock was ticking and I was growing restless and soon I would make a move, if I could crush the doubts of my mind that is.

She pulled out an analog camera and began toying with it. Her attention sought me out and when her eyes met mine, a nervous but contented smile appeared on her lips and in her eyes. She then photographed me and my chance had arrived. All doubts left me and I found myself at her table, in her speech and in her mind. A wondrous mind it was indeed and I felt warm gliding through it with my thoughts. Her mind presented no boundaries to my curious presence and it gave me tremendous comfort. She was open completely, unaltered by the cruel world outside. I saw in her the brave romantic that I myself carry within me.

Act 2.

Standing, waiting, appreciating the Jugendstil architecture to my right and thinking of her, I tried to remain calm. All good things require patience and when she emerged to present her fair beauty to my thirsty eyes, I drank her in and her presence illuminated my mind. We spoke of matters important, of matters surreal and I kept my cool facade while she robbed my mind, word by word, smile by smile. With every minute that went by, she came closer to me and I saw my secret fantasies come to life in her eyes. I dreamt of unimpeded self expression and she lived it, I dreamt of complete and utter surrender and she empowered it.

I found in her the definition of desire, emanating all the qualities that attract me. Not a single moment deterred me. Not a single word let me down. Everything was simply right and I was precisely in the place I longed to be. I sought to kiss her and my heart raced with excitement. The moment of truth was nigh and I yearned to know whether she felt the same. I ached for her touch and my breaths came quick and shallow. My heart pounded with desire and when our bodies finally converged, the tenderness of our first kiss shattered my mind into a million euphoric shards spreading all over my body and making it tingle with pleasure. And I dove deep into the warmth of her embrace, her gentle heart pressed to mine, her hand grasped tight in my hand, her eyes transfixed in the gaze of mine. As her body writhed with delight in my embrace and her desire matched my own, I was content. At peace with life in this perfect moment, and when it eventually passed, as all moments do, I was left hopeful, wallowing in her scent.

Act 3.

What I felt for her was pure. Pure adoration of her mind and her body. To simply behold her existence filled me with glee and to feel her respond in kind all but blew my mind. As pure as a white rose, she conjured up in me feelings so sudden and free, I could hardly contain myself, and when she skipped in a display of the blatant joy that she felt, I was done for. We were enraptured in each other. We were in love.

At last time, as is its nature, had run thin and our paths were due to part. “I love you” I whispered, “I love you too” she whispered back.

I kissed her tears and tasted the sweet salt of melancholy that will keep me company until I may, once again, hold her in my arms.

february 13th 2017

[justin-kaes]

Hoffnung

In Gedanken bin ich bei dir, halte dich in meinen Armen und summe dir ein Lied von Abenteuerlust. Hier strömt es im Regnen und die Melancholie, ihren Kopf auf des trauer Schulter drückend, weint von Sommer und Liebe. Durchnässt ist die Erde von Tristesse, bis in die tiefsten Wurzeln der höchsten Bäume reicht die Kälte der Sehnsucht, die so laut schreit dass sie fast das Donnern und Plätschern übertönt. Fast. Der Himmel ist dunkel-blitzend, knallend schreit er Ruhe. Peitschend streichelt er unsere Wangen die verregnet Tränen befördern um der Kälte zu dienen. Die Kälte, die sich trampelnd in unsere Herzen schleicht und die Wärme schmelzen lässt um einen leeren Ofen zu erstarren. Das Vertrauen vergrault, die Hoffnung verhofft, ist das letzte Brot Geschichte gebacken... Doch was ist das?! Hinten in des Ofen rundem Eck, dort leuchtet ein Funken gefroren in trotzendem Gefecht. Haha! Hysterisch kreischt der Bäcker, mit den Füßen die Erde massierend, pulsiert er Trotz hinauf und provoziert der Dunkelheit entgegen. Der funken erhellt in Miene, strahlt des Bäckers Mut- den Himmel verbannend- in glorreiche Glut. Und der Ofen glüht- in Pracht und Macht, in ihm entfacht ein flammendes Feuer den Himmel beklagend! Der Regen sich schämend, nimmt den Donner sich vor! Dem Meister kehrt er den Rücken um die Hoffnung zu beglücken und der Bäcker tanzt durch Funken lichterloh. Nicht umsonst war der Kampf des Krampfes wegen, locker ist der Muskel nun, um Frieden zu begeben. Der Bäcker wusste er würde backen, so stand geschrieben das Rezept auf seinen Backen. Doch er fürchtete sich im Traume des Gefechts, obwohl er wusste er würde wachen. Und wichtig ist was wachen ist- der Traum noch so verwickelnd. Einst träumt er sich aus und ausgeträumt sei Traum und Dunkelheit. Bis des lichtes Antlitz zu erblicken, gilt jedoch, des Lichtes Lachen zu bewachen. Zu bewahren den schimmernden Schein in des Regens donnernden Rheim.

july 18th 2009

[justin-kaes]

2054

…and so my grandson asks me- “What was the world like when you were young? Was it very different from today?”

I inhale deeply and reply- “Yes, indeed it was very different from today! Hmm where do I begin? Well, the atmosphere, and by that I mean the general mood of the planet, was very tense. It was the silence before the storm. It was the preparation before the jump. It was the drawing of the string before releasing the arrow to fulfil it’s deadly purpose. The world was sleeping an induced slumber dreaming only of consumption and greed, and yet, some had begun waking up.”

I think hard and try to formulate my sentences carefully and choose with caution the words that I speak, so as not to be misunderstood.

“The rulers and politicians had a sickness of the mind and took office only to enrich themselves. They used the citizens as wealth generating puppets to empower themselves and exercise dominion. People were merely wheels in a clockwork, force-fed propaganda and lies to stand idly by as our planet was being destroyed for material gain. Yes boy, they were destroying the planet only to indulge in the gratification of their senses and they would’ve succeeded were it not for the great war! The war saved our planet- irony being the only constant in life. Without the war we would still be burning fossil fuels, whose extraction scarred the planet so deeply, while intoxicating the very air we breathe to live. Many millions of people died yearly from the effects of pollution and the consumption of manipulated and synthetic products. Yes, I lived in a time of cruel greedy people who cared not for the consequences of their actions if it only made them rich! They would not even shy from killing those in their paths and would exact devious measures to hold their thrones and exploit anyone and everything while they had the power. There were children half your age, digging holes in the ground with their bare hands to find a material they used to make early mobile devices. They were forced to do this work for next to nothing because they had no other way to survive. Don’t even get me started on the human abuse and slavery that existed in my time, it would dampen your mood till the end of your days…”

Gravely my grandson stared into oblivion, watching with his inner eye the antecedents I was recounting. I continued, “They were short-sighted and careless. They used to pack everything in plastic wrappers and packages, and with a population of seven billion- that was a lot of waste! All this plastic waste ended up in the oceans of the world harming the ecosystem and its inhabitants profoundly. It sits there still on the ocean floor or swims with the great whales in global currents, decaying at a highly irresponsible rate. People were foolish, in my day, and so arrogant! They truly believed that they had more rights than others, that it is alright to dine luxuriously while others fought for scraps to eat. They believed that it is ok to torture, abuse and kill animals, and yes even human beings, to get so much as the right tickle on their tastebuds. Obviously this arrogance can only lead to destruction and thus ensued the great war. Again irony shows her hypocritical face and laughs at us who do not understand! This arrogance led to the downfall of its own construct and thus vanquished the great barbarians, as I like to call them, and along with them 97% of the world’s population. There were many more people in my day and all the world was still habitable, although slowly being eaten up by industrial barbarity. And all of these people did as they were told and followed the inhumane dogmatic system like robots rusting away, all the while praying for wealth to make an end to their suffering, not realising that their object of prayer was also the cause of their misery. The people were so strongly manipulated that they destroyed their own bodies in ignorance, making them slow, making them stupid, making them lazy. The people would’ve never woken up had it not been for the war and I ask you now grandson, does it really need a global war and the death of billions of people to realise the wrong that we have committed?” Silence. “Apparently so.” I mused, thinking of Einstein’s words describing human stupidity as infinite.

Noticing the grim expression on my tender grandson’s face, my heart surged with compassion, “Don’t worry grandson, we have conquered our egos for the time being!” I smiled gazing into these innocent eyes that have seen only benevolence so far and I feel gratitude that I have the chance to make right what my forefathers did wrong in polluting the earth and promoting selfish interests. But how many fathers, in the generations before mine, could claim the same of themselves? How many could truly say they did the right thing while the world around them crumbled on every level that mattered? And in hindsight, knowing now very well the consequences their lives have had, how many would change their ways given the chance to do it all over again? Once more, I have to think of Einstein’s words.

I continued, “You know, things never work as planned. There is always a hidden variable that we cannot identify. Striving for robotic accuracy is folly! We need to let humans be human and walk their ways! After all, none of us have the same journey to travel. None of us have the same hurdles to cross and apparently even those evil, barbaric villains have consequences of prior occurrences to absolve. However, It would be a lie to say we did not know the consequences of our actions back in my day. Everyone knew. Everyone knew but did nothing or very little. But things had to change and so what could’ve been done with adequate effort and little loss of life turned into great destruction and the murder of billions in the grandest war of all, just because we were too comfortable to take action when it was still possible.”

“So I ask you again, if you have the chance to better the world- and everyone always has the option of doing something good in their own way- will you take it? Or will you stand idly by while they rape the earth because you are too comfortable to raise a finger? Einstein would have a hearty laugh, at this point, because he knew it is us who have to deal with the consequences in the aftermath of our own ignorance. Even we knew it, and even we laughed in arrogance while the floor caved in beneath our feet…”

may 7th 2014