kaleidoscopicdaisy

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Growth isn’t glamorous.

Its 4:43am and I can’t sleep.

I have laid awake, rolling from side to side, trying to visualise 1-10 in my minds eye, focusing on the inhales and exhales... Yet my brain does not want me to flee the thoughts that are trapezing my brain.

This year and last have been particularly savage, I know this to be truth for so many humans and in ways I can’t even comprehend; this isn’t a comparison sort of thing, just an introspection. I keep thinking how this life seems to refuse us to leave chapters without closure or resolution. There are things that I went through years ago and I never had sufficient closure, I felt I had done the wrong things and for the wrong reasons.

So life puts me back into those chapters again, life makes me live through similar themes that were once my living, breathing hells, to see how I handle them as time has gone on… Have I truly learned, have I grown and adapted in a way that I had never believed possible, had I really changed my tune?

It isn’t a beautiful, romanticised thing, but yes. I did change. I did adapt. I did gain control, even if it was messy and chaotic, I have become a better person than I was in the past.

The event that the chapters crossed over again I will leave out, however the morbid part, the part that I am proud of, I will say.

I did not try to end my life. I did not succumb to self-injury. When the chapters were first experienced, those are the actions I put into action. I have grown. I have learned to treat my body with more respect that I once did, and I have learned the importance of people. People make life worth living and even when I don’t want to live for myself, I must keep on living for them.

It’s not a Hollywood romance, a glorious woman who started conquering her life, making every good decision and turning it all around. 

Life does not work that way. Life is a crawl, just as its something we run through, cantering betwixt brambles and branches, shrieking with callooh’s and toasting with beercans; yet there are also times that we are barely balancing on the foundations that fracture beneath our feet. 

Life is an everchanging, confusing, beautiful, baffling agony and there are times we feel so on top of it that we can’t fathom the idea that things could ever be so bad that we can’t get out of bed, it seems baffling that a body could feel as heavy as a buffalo.. Akin to the times we are so low that the idea of frolicking with friends, feasting with adoration & vigour seems like an alien concept.

The change in actions since the first experience of said chapters has given me hope for my future, it’s shown that I do have strength and my heart is better a thing that it once was. I was far from perfect, I was still a chaotic, hurting, damaged person… Yet I did not harm or damage or lash out in a way that I once did. I didn’t seek to stop existing, even if there were times I wished to be gone from this realm, I never allowed myself to go there. I reacted in bad ways, I did things I have remorse for, yet I know I acted with more kindness than callous’.

Progress isn’t always pretty. It’s not always massive leaps, huge life changes, sometimes it’s the realisation that when you have experienced things again that once destroyed every single part of you, that you are a kinder person, a more resilient person. You have grown.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Holy shit this is too personal

Me all week

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Here’s the thing.

Sometimes you fuck up and make mistakes in friendships or any type of relationship. Sometimes, the other person can’t or won’t forgive you. And that’s their right. They’ve been hurt and have a right to decide that.

But this doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to forgive yourself. You are allowed to forgive yourself and try to move on from it. You’re allowed to let it go and aim to do better.

It’s okay to try and forgive yourself and progress beyond your mistakes. This is partly how we grow and do better.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

hey y’all I just found the sloppiest, wettest sounding bass patch I’ve ever heard. here you go 

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

An eccentric philosophy.

I am a believer in ripples.

I believe our lives are ripples of significance for the history of this Earth. Even if only 6 people know us and the lives we have lived the effects we have on their lives is a continuous flow of ripples, some of these ripples are filled with happiness and good intentions, some of these ripples are chaotic and sad.. Whatever they are, they are significant.

Every choice, whether it’s a choice on how we decide to dress, what color our hair is, if we compliment that stranger who’s dress you LOVE, helping someone cross the street, shout at our boyfriend for ignoring us, slap the girl who kissed your beloved, these choices ripple into effect and change the course of history. I know, history is BIGGER than that, isn’t it?! No! No matter how little you feel you matter, there is someone who’s life has been altered completely by the ripples your life has created. Our choices help to define who we were, are and want to be.  

I have created ripples of almost tsunami proportions in my short life-time.. Some good, some bad. The ripples I’ve made have altered the lives of myself and those around me, sometimes even just strangers who I’ve met once and never again. There will always be the regrets and remorse for choices made that caused pain and sadness to those who matter, we can’t give up the negative feelings completely otherwise we lose sight of what we’ve learnt.

I believe we can all give ripples of happiness and love! No matter how many ripples that’ve changed the world for the worst.. We can choose to start creating the happy, good ripples. The past does not define the FUTURE! It just gives shape to it, it gives lessons and tips on how to make the future a better place, at least for ourselves and those around us.

And y’know what? We fuck up. We might do what we think is right and it ends up being bad. That’s a life lesson, it doesn’t mean we should give up on the goal of happy rippling! Keep true to yourself and give yourself a break when you make the wrong choices.

My philosophy/life goal / whatever title you want to give it is to ripple my world into a better place. I know I can’t fix the entire world, to think so would be extremely arrogant but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the passion to change our own worlds. To be the change we crave, to keep both feet on the road of happiness and pursue good memories with little regret. Lets BE the change for 2016. Lets see the beauty in others, lets find a silver lining to every dark cloud. Lets be proud for what we have, not what we have not.

I want to be the best person I can be and for all the wrongs I’ve done.. It only motivates me more. Making people smile, letting them see how beautiful/GOOD they are when they feel less than so.. Helping anyone and everyone who needs it, making others happy just by being yourself. Finding beauty in the world when there is so much ugliness.. This is what matters in life to me. This is the ripples that I want my existence to be about ♥  

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Unravelled.

And your eyes.

The eyes that remind me of the fading dawn, that unravel the universe with one knowing glance.

The way they capture my chaos and cradle it with love, ignoring the chaos that abodes in their soul.

The eyes that melt the foundations of each wall I ever built; for those eyes are built to undress my soul; just as they unravel the universe, they unravel my soul..

I wonder, was that your goal? To unravel my soul and leave me curious if I was ever whole?

Unravelled and famished, my wits have left, I wonder now, do I even deserve to be whole?

My darkest hours, the unfiltered frustrations, all have been unleashed, you unravelled my soul and I did feel whole… Yet I see the darkness that is within me. I see the times when I do not deserve to be seen as trustworthy.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

You deserve to exist.

Ever-changing minds, ever changing goals

you deserve peace in your soul.

My darling you are the worth and the smiles and the kindness you give unto the world, you are so much more than the cruelties your mind will utter unto you.

You’re the smiles your friends have when they remember a quirk you have, a joke you made, a dance move you failed.

You’re the acts of kindness you give to strangers, for no reason other than you want to help others; you are the altruistic acts, the times you let people go in front of you in the queue, the change you give to homeless people.

You are so much more than depression or anxiety wants you to know, you are a million different things in a thousand different minds.

You’re the little dances you do when you’re happy, the ones that make people smile when you don’t think anyone can see you.

You’re the smiles you give to strangers when you react in happiness, excitement, joy. 

You are changing the world with every day you exist, I honour you. I love you. You are a life-changer and I hope you see the beauty, glory and wonders that make you exactly who you are.

I love you.

You deserve to live.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

A matter of time.

As your lips touch mine, I know that we have little time.

Our bodies can make such beautiful rhymes yet our hearts are too timid to touch.

Can you see the walls surrounding the heart of chaos?

Those walls are up against your own. Neither wall will be reduced, even as the kisses allow passion to burn betwixt our hearts cages.

It is only a matter of time my love

Until we find a collision of chaos, the kind that destroys rather than creates.

I will always love the kisses though.

The chaos that cometh cannot take that pleasure from us..

My chaos can be corrosive, I have been told as much.

For I am the woman who wears the words that were wrought to erupt her spirit...

"Too much." "Damaged goods." "Attention-seeker." "Self-centred."

What happens my darling when those words come back around and wrap their toxicity around my soul?

Would you want a woman who was once wild but now has turned mild?

I shall always love the kisses though, for they are gifts we give unto each another.

Until the chaos causes destruction, I shall live in joy for all that is ours. Only we can take that away from one another.

It's only a matter of time..

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Is & isn’t

Love isn't supposed to leave you gasping for air, albeit we fawn over the idea of someone taking our breath away.

Love is supposed to propel you forward, to aid your growth and empower your being. Love is supposed to help you feel proud of who you are, to give you a spring in your step..

Everything in life hurts sometimes and love is no different. Transformation, alteration and reconfiguration are things that change the very essence of our brains, bodies and souls. Changing should always be a choice you make for yourself.

Love isn't easy, but it shouldn't always be hard either.

Your worth is inviolable, your importance in this life is also. When you see that your tune has changed, that you no longer feel worthy of good things, that you don't deserve to feel good, that you have lost the love you had for yourself...

You deserve to feel worthy of good things. You deserve to be proud of yourself for being who you are. You should feel empowered by being able to trust your instinct, to trust your morals.

When you lose the love you had for yourself, when you allow insults to be part of your reality, when you start disengaging from your morals, when you look in the mirror and struggle to meet your own eyes...

You must choose to change the environment you've placed yourself in.

Whether that environment is the one you've created in your own mind,

whether that environment is the one you've gotten into with your friends,

whether that environment is one that's grown in familial relationships:

The environment you are in / have created does not allow you to grow. It does not fulfil your right of feeling worthy. It does not empower you to have your moral compass. It does not help you grow.

It does not help you grow.

Change is hard. Change is scary. Does a caterpillar feel pain when it is transforming from a grub into a butterfly? Does a phoenix feel nothing when it bursts into flames, to be reborn in ashes?

You should be your priority in your own life story. You deserve to feel worthy of love, of goodness, of kindness. You deserve to be proud of who you are.

I have been saying sorry so often for getting drunk and having volatile outbursts, yet I have chosen to get drunk again, and again, and again. After so many repetitions, sorry becomes but a word.

My actions have not matched my words and that goes against my morals.

I have become a person who does things that are against my morals.

I have become a person who allows insults to be said and accept that it must be true, they must be right about me, rather than stand against it.

I am not someone I'm proud of anymore, and I will change that. I will be someone who I can love again. I will be selfish in this transition, so that I can be a selfless person in due course.

I will rise again.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

I am, through you.

I will never allow a pretense of an innocent life for that would be imprudent to my life journey.

I have not always practiced kindness. I have not been nice. There are times long past that haunt my heart and once seized my joys away, for I could not find forgiveness for myself.

The thing that changed that is love.

Lovelovelove.

I was treated with love, kindness and compassion. I was saved from myself from humans who have love in their hearts and kindness in their eyes.

Love is what sustains me.

I practice kindness because it is crucial. It is crucial to be kind when the world can be the opposite. I want to be the best person I can because the people who saved me are exactly that.

I am only responsible for myself and I know its nobodys responsibility to save me, yet they reached their hands put and clasped my broken heart until it was healed.

I am who I am for the people who taught me love.

I am nothing without the beings who believe in a better world.

❤.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Chaos incarnate.

My dirty design might disrupt your delight.

Does that give you reasons to feel the fright?

My darlings

It should.

We are taught to fear the things we do not understand and for that I suppose I have always had fear bubbling within.

I did not understand the uttering of chaos as she chanted her tunes betwixt my chest, bubbling her breath into my brain.

The time came to either chain myself to my uncertainties or unleash my preconceived understandings..

I chose to unleash. I chose to dive into the darkness and all her delights. I chose to become a part of the flames and the sun. I chose to unleash all I am into uncertainty and within it I found myself.

I found the fierceness that balances my breath when all seemed broken. I found the truth in my heart and the realities I had once thought undeserving.

I found my feet. I unharnessed my heart. I enlightened my eroded thoughts.

I found myself.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Chaos overcomes.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

My love.

The lines of laughter are marked upon your face

Your walk shows your beautiful grace

Your life has had love, for your eyes shine with its peace.

Always shine, my darlings.

Life may dim your sparkle but never let it extinguish the fire in your chest.

You are made from stardust and the world would be dark without your shining life quests. ❤

.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Chaos

Chaos cartwheels through my soul

She whispers carnage within my bones.

I am unfinished

A concentration of all things inconsiderate

My dirty design, your eyes that want only the divine..

I was born to be more than a bystander

I was born to rip down societies grandeur.

I will pounce upon the normality, I will kiss my insanity within it.

One by one

You will feel the tendrils of chaos mark your soul too.

Are you ready to join the descent?

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Tainted temptress

A smile you give

A tear I weep

Arms that can embrace my insanity

Yet I have not learned that it should be as such

I have not given myself what I tell others that is deserved

I have not given myself time to be loved

To believe I deserve love

To embrace love.

For I am a tainted temptress

We can dance, dine and delight for a time

But there is a darkness that lays dormant in my soul

The darkness that I did not deserve in my domain

Yet there it is.

Here it is.

[kaleidoscopicdaisy]

Scarred & marred.

You search my scars with your worrisome gaze

I used to be much less blasé. . when eyes searched without the knowledge of past pains

My story is dirty

My heart has always been murky

Yet my mind chooses also lives in thoughts dirty.

You can't see the trauma right away, the harder you look the more you'll see.

I dont think I'll ever be free

Trauma taints my tongue as much as my good times.

Trauma taught me to fear

Trauma taught me to please.