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katsshhhh · 12 days ago

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when writing is peak, you know that alaska did it

Apart (omori fic, spoilers)

You wanted me to be dependent on you forever, Sunny?

You wanted me to be gone too after you left us like this?

You wanted me to never move on?

When I saw you splattered on the pavement from the hospital window, did you want me to lay there with you?

My best friend.

They told me to keep a track of my thoughts.

Every one of them.

Did you know that each negative thought is a positive one to some extent? The fact that you're able to think and come to reasonable conclusions proves that you're still encouraged to keep living. Even if a crappy life.

You weren't thinking when you were standing on the edge of the roof.

Now you're dead.

I'm sorry that I forced you to be my savior when you could barely bear the weight of your own body alone.

Was it too heavy?

You know that my hands would have broken if you'd been to ask me for help. Of course I wouldn't have refused this opportunity to shine at my brightest again. So you would have seen that there's no light inside me anymore for you to blow it with a careless breath.

Depression. You were familiar with it too, right?

You've never called it by its name because you've never been diagnosed but it wasn't so hard to tell. You'd probably think that those pills would make much more sense if they were to be swallowed at once. You'd probably think that it's a damn waste of time to stupidly sit there and write meaningless letters to someone who'll never be able to read them. I don't see much sense in it either but they told me that it'd help me to get better. For once in my life I'm trying to let myself trust someone who isn't you.

They could have saved us, Sunny.

We probably should have spoken much earlier.

Then I'd at least have gotten a chance to anxiously grip on your sweaty palm as your voice would have cut through the pale skin of your throat, forcing it open and letting out words that you weren't able to utter for long four years.

That would have made me so happy. That would have made me understand that in the end I didn't fail to protect you.

And what if you actually had some specific thoughts back then? Very vivid and hurtful ones. What if you knew by fact that from the window of my hospital room that yard was seen clearly enough? The yard on which your body became nothing but an empty vessel painted in bright scarlet colors, spreading around it. And if I'd tried to extend my arm, I wouldn't have been able to reach out to you anyway. You always were so far away from me even when we were still little kids snuggling together under the same blanket during those cold nights. I thought I could understand you. Get a grip of your soul and read all letters carelessly scattered on it. I thought I could put every bit of my trust in you. I thought it wouldn't break me. I thought my fingers wouldn't slip even if they were so dirty.

When you were standing one step away from taking your last breath, did you even think of me at least for a fleeting second?

My best friend.

Now your ghost is smiling at me the way you never did. I wonder why. Maybe it's intending to show me the way you could have been if I'd tried to fight for your happiness harder.

I don't know. I guess I'm thinking too much and my hand starts to hurt. Actually, they didn't tell me what I'm supposed to do with a letter once I'm done. Should I burn it to ashes? Read it until I get sick of my own written words, of my own brand new way to get better? I have no other choice but to expose myself to a new vulnerability of blind trust once again.

Putting me aside, did you know how much you hurt others? Your mother is on medication. She couldn't cope with all that organisation processes required to successfully move to a new place, on caringly choosing which she spent months, and so it was sold again. Now she's stuck in a haunted house with ghosts of her dead children keeping her up at nights. Me and Polly visit her regularly but she's barely able to hold it together.

It really makes me want to hate you.

But, maybe, instead of that I should try to let go of your sins for you.

For her.

For them.

Would I find any solace in it?

Our sticky hands roughly pushed Hero in that darkness of dull nothingness years ago, but this time, as he finally managed to crawl out of it, panting and clutching on the tissue of his hoodie above his heart, you decided to lock Kel inside of this endless maze. Maybe if you were able to see him and feel his presence, you'd sign any contract you can find in your personal Hell just to get back to us and erase that expression off his face.

Oh, don't get me wrong. He's still our good old smiley Kel and he's trying his best.

But his skin is so freezingly cold. I'm scared to touch him. He might fall apart from getting burnt alive.

I know I always used to call you my best friend, but I've never actually felt like you treated me the same way. I always was levels lower than you, admiring your sacred holiness from some muddy pits. I always was way too invested in maintaining our friendship that you ended up growing apart, slipping from the holes between my thin fingers. I didn't manage to hold you close to my heart.

And now my real best friend is back. Did you know that Aubrey was scared shitless that I'd end up doing the same cruel thing, once again copying your habits? She put all that blame on herself and she thinks she's a part of the reason you couldn't make it to the end. That she pushed you way too hard. That everyone at least tried to be good and supportive while she was nothing but a big bad bully who was capable of offering in return only violence and pain. And I remember how much you liked her, Sunny. It certainly wasn't the best thing she could get from you.

I saw your body before your funeral and I must say that they did you pretty good makeup and did everything they could to put your pieces together. You almost looked like you were asleep. Did you know that your mother is in a difficult financial position and so it was a part of the reason why she gave up on moving to another house? My parents have sent her some money but they're also not as rich now as they were before. The services in this country are getting kind of expensive. You can't even bury your child without being ripped off. And my dear mother and father didn't care about my condition enough to return. It's alright. I don't really remember their faces anymore anyway. Faded prints on the photos.

I guess I'm getting too bratty when trying to let go of my timid anxious self to feel something other than deeply ingrained misery. I knew this would happen. But Aubrey even likes me more like this. I feel like it'll get better. I feel like I don't need to exist as your shadow so that I'd be able to get some credit. I feel like you wouldn't understand.

My best friend.

My worst enemy.

My pain in a vessel made out or glass that was broken.

My dirtiest secret and a constant protector.

I couldn't save you but at least I stopped following your lead.

Sometimes it feels better to be apart.

#omori bad ending

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