keepingup-withthetargaryens

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E7: The Dragon and the Wolf

I’ve been waiting weeks to use the hashtag “boatbang”.

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[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E7: The Dragon and the Wolf

I’ve been waiting weeks to use the hashtag “boatbang”.

Okay, this one is going to be rather to the point, because... it speaks for itself.

1. The meeting of two Queens. I feel like it went surprisingly well, but then later we find out Cersei has shit up her sleeve (and other places), so, fuck that. 

2. Arya and Sansa - FINALLY we find out that they truly are on the same side, and playing HIM. I’ve never been so relieved as to hear Sansa say “...Lord Baelish”. Bye, Petyr.

3. RHAEGAR AND LYANNA AKA WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR ACTUAL YEARS.

BUT I am irritated that my FAVORITE CHARACTER, looks like a Viserys clone but with a different nose to match Jon’s. I feel like for a lot of people, this is going to be confusing because they’re going to think that Viserys is kissing/marrying Lyanna. Rhaegar is supposed to be crazy beautiful and have longer hair. Okay. 

4. Also why did we literally intertwine #boatbang with this?! HELP?! This was gross? Like I’ve shipped Jonerys full well knowing this but this was too much?! Like we did not need them staring into each others eyes and thrusting while talking about how they are related?! It ruined both things slightly and I’m not here for it.

Also why is his name Aegon if Rhaegar literally already has a child named Aegon with Elia? Just doubling up his chances for a reincarnation of Aegon the conquerer or something? I feel like the showrunners are ignoring the book theory that Aegon somehow lived and was living under a disguise and just erasing Aegon with Elia completely which is fine, but it’s also weird. 

And then them talking about “muddying the waters” at the end in the after the episode thing I’m just like really guys? You felt this was a good idea? You let boatbang happen and THEN you reveal it later. Like, episodes later. 

I can’t get over it.

5. Boom, boom, motherfucker. 

Viserion is like the Night King’s favorite Pokemon who brings down the damn wall. 

Winter is here, bitches.

Until next season.

Gif credit to Kit-Harington!

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E6: Beyond the Wall

Did I just watch an entire Lord of the Rings movie?

Season 7, Episode 6 Recap by KeepingUp-WithTheTargaryens

Literally, fuck. I don’t know how to write a proper recap, so I’m just going to touch on some of the main points. I saw this episode last Tuesday for the first time, but seeing it all at once in HD, I am shook.

1. Arya has actually gone creepy batshit and I am not here for it. Like.... we all thought that there was NO way either of them were this dumb, and that they were somehow going to get Littlefinger. WTF? Idk. I’m holding out that next episode, the lone wolf dies (see the season 7 trailer) and the pack (Stark fam) survives. I hate this serial killer creepfest. Bye.

2. Literally every time I see Beric I see this:

You can try to tell me they’re not the same character, but they’re literally the same character. 

Basically at this point you can tell who is going to die in an episode based on how much screentime they have leading up to said death. For example, we got to hear a lot from Thoros, pre-polar bear scene. Tbh, when I read my spoiler outline, it made it sound like he died right then and there, which probably would have been better for him, but, THIS IS GAME OF THRONES. Suffering is the norm.

3. Children.

Jorah tells Jon that his children will be able to inherit Longclaw. Dany and Tyrion talk about succession and how she can’t have children. Dany tells Jon that the dragons are the only children she’ll ever have.

Lead yourself down the path to the proper conclusions. Once you get there, know that you’re correct. 

4. Whose fucking idea was it to go get a wight and take it to Cersei?! Honestly?! THIS IS THE DUMBEST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD OF/SEEN AS IT PLAYS OUT ON SCREEN. LIKE. TOO FUCKING FAR?!

You’re sacrificing yourself because of this bitch?

D*U*M*B*.

Thank god Gendry got out of there, that’s all I have to say. Is he okay? He basically just ran a marathon in 10 minutes.

5. This is worse than fucking Titanic.

Rose/Tormund + Jack/Jorah. 

7. Beric’s sword is hella fucking cool and very Azor Ahai and I want to know how he lights it like that.

8. DANY ARRIVES. 

The Jonerys theme song plays.

JON SHOVES TORMUND ASIDE TO GET TO HER.

THAT REACH.

BUT NO.

Everyone else gets on, meanwhile.

Literally FUCK.

9. VISERION

I knew this one was coming, but this was far worse than I ever expected it to be.

Me while reading spoilers: Oh it’s fine, I don’t like Viserion anyway, he’s named after her shit brother and Rhaegal and Drogo are still fine.

Me while watching: FUCK THIS I AM DONE WITH THIS SHOW SOMEONE CALL PETA

I’m dead inside.

Jon is PISSED.

Another spear, nope.

Drogon and Rhaegal are OUT OF THERE.

Luckily Drogon has some experience dodging giant projectiles at this point.

10. Dany’s face thinking she’s just lost Viserion and Jon:

But of course Jon lives because he’s Jon.

11. COLDHANDS/BENJEN

I literally fucking lost it at Benjen because he is STILL JON’S UNCLE NO MATTER WHAT. HE IS THE ONE FAMILY MEMBER THAT REMAINS THE SAME TO HIM NO MATTER WHAT, BECAUSE HE IS BROTHER TO BOTH LYANNA AND NED AND THAT’S JUST TOO MUCH TO TAKE.

12. Jon makes it back to Eastwatch

Her waiting for him. Too much.

13. Dany gets her answer about those scars

14. We are inside a romance novel

Like he’s never believed in anyone more, and she’s never cared so much about someone believing in her.

I can’t.

I’m done.

He pretends to be asleep.

She pretends she’s not freaking out.

15. Re-animated Viserion

I knew about this one too, but shit. 

Seeing it is far worse, and knowing it’s one of Dany’s beloved children, that helps them *most likely* get over the wall...

The worst betrayal of all, GoT.

The absolute worst....

Until next week....

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

I have seen S7E6, and let me just say, p-r-e-p-a-r-e y-o-u-r-s-e-l-v-e-s 

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E5: Eastwatch

More like Bae-fucking-watch. Am I right?

So Jaime is alive and not really very well, but thanks to Bronn, still breathing. I like that he still has the energy to insult Bronn for possibly killing him when, he was literally launching himself at a dragon. I’m really curious as to HOW Jaime and Bronn are somehow magically DOWN RIVER of all of the chaos, and unsure as to how that river is THAT DEEP. Westerosi magic.

Meanwhile, Dany is addressing everyone with Drogon looming over them. She tells them to bend the knee or die, and honestly doesn’t show herself to be much different than Cersei when she just verbalized that she is. But, then again, Cersei didn’t give the people in the Sept of Baelor a choice, did she? Details, details.

Tyrion tries to tell her to give them the option of a cell, and she doesn’t like the idea of slavery - she just freed a ton of people in Essos from that bond, and frankly, we don’t have time for that this season. We have bigger fish to fry. Like Dickon and Randyll Tarly, apparently.

Honestly, this was dumb. Fry Randyll, fine. But Dickon? I don’t like the dude, but I think he could have served more of a purpose if he wasn’t crispy. I really didn’t think she would kill both of them. But - luckily for us, we know that Sam is still alive and just inherited everything that House Tarly was, which he can now do since he’s no longer becoming a Maester - if he survives the war for the dawn. RIP Dicksa fandom (which I just learned about last night and now I feel like it’s ironic that it’s 100% put to rest).

The whole burning people alive thing is 100% a nod to her father, the Mad King, whom everyone compares her to, and she just took one step closer. But I don’t think she’ll remain on that path... D&D just like drama. And I don’t think she particularly enjoyed doing it, by the way she said Dracarys. It was merely a tool to sacrifice two to get the rest of the men on board.

Meanwhile, back in incest-ville, Jaime is SHOOK. Cersei’s like “it’ll be fine” and he’s like, “really? really? let me tell you how it all went down” and she still doesn’t really back down. To be continued.

Back on Dragonstone, Dany and Drogon have landed.

And Jon is conveniently waiting for them on a cliff like ye olde war wives.

Literally my face while watching this scene.

Idk about you, but if I saw a dragon land in front of me and show me its teeth, the first thing I’d do is be polite and take off my glove before touching it. Jon knows his manners.

How expensive was this? Very. But honestly as someone who has been WAITING for Jon to interact with a dragon for 10+ years, this was highly satisfying. Essentially the significance here is that while Dany can semi-control and interact with her dragons, they aren’t keen on letting anyone else do it. They didn’t even let Tyrion all that close to them, although they didn’t kill him either (and that’s an entire other can of worms with the Tyrion as a secret Targaryen theory and I’m not going into that right now) and Jon doesn’t even have any food for him, but Drogon seems perfectly content to let Jon touch him. Typically, only dragon riders, Targaryens, and people who had been around dragons for a LONG time could get this close to them in the books. So - take this with GREAT significance, and more to come once the episode moves along. Needless to say, Dany is also VERY interested in the fact that Drogon lets Jon do this.

Also, if you watch when she’s telling him that no matter how scary they are, they’re still her children, he’s literally heart-eyes-motherfucker staring straight at her before he catches himself and says “you weren’t gone long”.

Dany asks him about what Davos meant when he said Jon took a knife in his heart for his people, and he tells her that Davos often gets carried away - but he doesn’t get the chance to tell her because...

Guess who’s back with a brand new track?

J-J-J-Jorah the explorer! A.K.A. Ser Friendzone.

When she hugged him, all I could think about was that letter that he wrote her when he thought he was going to have to fall on his sword or be taken by greyscale and it was literally the sappiest love letter - and I know sappy love letters because I teach middle school (I know).

That is a HUG and Jon isn’t too excited about it, but Jon isn’t really excited about anything, ever.

The irony here is that Jon carries Jorah’s family sword, and Jon’s best friend rid Jorah of greyscale. One big happy family.

This face literally translates to “what are you doing here with my queen you broody hot asshole?” 

That’s so Raven/Raisin Bran gets a vision and tells everyone, via raven. Like, the entire country. Bran is the mobile CNN update of Westeros.

Annoying old dudes are annoying. Listen to Sam, you assholes.

Jon: babe, I gotta go Dany: so soon? You don’t have any men and I didn’t tell you that you could go Jon: I gotta go Jorah: I AM BIGGER AND STRONGER I WILL GO Everyone: *ignores Jorah* Tyrion: Hold on I have a clever plan, let’s show Cersei white walkers are real and then she won’t want to kill us all Everyone: she will always want to kill us all Tyrion: But maybe not right now - delay it a while Everyone: great plan Jorah: Does this mean I get to be an explorer Everyone *ignores Jorah*

So last time anyone tried to bring a Wight down south, they had that hand that was all rotted out by the time it got to King’s Landing. Also this was the point in the show when I realized the particular reddit spoilers I found were real and correct. Ugh. Like, I’m happy to have episode outlines but I’m also not?

Meanwhile, Bronn sets up a secret meeting, and Jaime is NOT HAPPY. 

Meanwhlie, Davos goes to find Gendry. “I thought you might still be rowing” - DAVOS IS ALL OF US since season 3

Here he is looking like a goddamn Christian Bale but better.

And he has a warhammer.

HELLO, reference to Robert, who fought with one, and killed Rhaegar with it.

“This is Gendry” “He’ll do”  OH HE WILL MORE THAN DO.

Cersei is pregnant with another incestuous child. Joy!

Moving on, I am such a stan for this moment because they are both so great. I like how they talk about how their fathers were friends and I’m just like oh but Ned wasn’t your father but go on being adorable together.

Jorah: bye babe Jorah: *sees Jon* Jorah: *marks his territory* Jon: bye, if I die you won’t have to worry about conquering my territory or me bending the knee Dany: but.... don’t..... go... 

Dany: *watches all baes sail away*

Okay. All jokes aside, THIS is one of the most important scenes GoT has ever shown us. To most people, who are NOT book readers, it was just Gilly talking about some guy who kept a too-detailed journal, and Sam getting fed up with all this shit. 

BUT.

Gilly asks Sam what an annulment is. Sam tells her it’s when a man sets aside his lawful wife and takes another. She says that a prince “Raggar” (Rhaegar) got an annulment and married another in a secret ceremony in Dorne.

HELLO.

OH my god I’m mentally screaming.

Rhaegar Targaryen. Dany’s brother. Jon’s father. He was married to Elia Martell of Dorne (Oberyn’s sister). She had two sons with him, but he knew that “the dragon has three heads” and he believed his children would fulfill an ancient prophecy. She couldn’t have any more children since she almost died having their second, and he got an annulment. From Elia. He MARRIED LYANNA STARK IN A SECRET CEREMONY IN DORNE. 

1) This shuts down the polygamist theories that have been floating around for years

2) If Jon’s parents were officially MARRIED at the time of his birth, he is NOT a bastard at all, but a legitimate Targaryen and the rightful heir to the throne of the seven kingdoms, as Rhaegar was crown prince, and it’s passed down through the male line. 

Like... WHAT. I. HAVE. BEEN. WAITING. YEARS. FOR. THIS. AND. YOU. CASUALLY. DROP. IT. IN. MY. FACE.

Rhaegar and Lyanna are literally my favorite thing about Game of Thrones. If we don’t get a flashback of them, I’m going to freak out. Although they supposedly cast this guy named Wilf as Rhaegar and I’m so much more down with Devin Oliver being Rhaegar but... oh well. I love the people of the internet for these anyway:

So, anyway, reference that back to Jon being so friendly with Drogon - bam. Targaryen blood. Blood of the dragon. Love it, this is amazing, I am living. Go, Targaryen baby, go.

Okay, another thing that needs explaining. Littlefinger is 100% trying to turn Arya and Sansa against each other. What we have to remember is that they DID NOT get along as children, and they haven’t seen each other in years. Yes, they are family, but their bond is not all that great. Arya is already mad at Sansa for not sticking up for Jon when the lords were talking shit about him.

So, remember how they said that Maeser Luwin kept copies of every Raven scroll that was sent to Winterfell? This is the copy of the scroll that Cersei forced Sansa to write back in Season 1, when they told her that her father was a traitor, and that she needed to write to Robb and tell him to swear fealty to Joffrey since Robert had died. If you remember, Cersei painted it so it looked like Ned tried to take the throne from Joffrey, when really, he was trying to figure out why his friend died so mysteriously.

Sansa did what she was told by Cersei, because at that time she was naive and still thought there was a chance she could be queen - and Ned hadn’t been executed yet so things didn’t seem as dire to her as they really were. 

Littlefinger knows that if Arya believes Sansa betrayed their family (and lied about what Ned was doing) it will split them apart, and she will become volatile and dangerous to Sansa - meaning Sansa will have to do something about it.

Honestly, I think this is just a piece of dumb drama, but they have been building up to this for a while. In the S7 trailer, Sansa says “the lone wolf dies, and the pack survives”. I still think Littlefinger is the lone wolf and he’s grasping at straws.

And, we end with the A-team going to find a wight to prove to Cersei that they exist. TBH, when I read this in the reddit spoilers, I was like “what a dumb idea!” but here we are. So, good luck, boys.

Until next week.

P.S. - if you have any specific questions that you want me to answer for next week, feel free to put it in my ask - I got quite a few this week that I clarified in here (hopefully).

Thanks for reading! 

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E4:

Damn. God damn HBO.

I haven’t been writing these because I feel like everything is all a bit more straightforward these days, and people don’t need recaps because everyone is an ~expert~. I got close last week because it was such a badass episode, but this one. I. AM. Shook. 

The before-the-show “remember this” previews always get me because, i.e., in this one, we see Qyburn talking about a “solution” for the dragons, you see Dany getting frustrated, and you’re like SHIT NOT THE DRAGONS. 

But let’s back up.

So we begin at Highgarden (RIP OLENNA) with Jaime paying his debts to Bronn. I hate to say this, because as much as I hated the sand snakes (overall and just... overall) I kind of wanted Bronn to ride off to King’s Landing to save Tyene... somehow. Wishful thinking, because Bronn sends him off to help Dickon Tarly yell at people.

Now on to Cersei. Tycho, this guy from the Iron Bank, is hella creepy. He reminds me of my student loan officer from college who was like “if you take that fifth year, think about all you can accomplish”. And now 1/3 of my monthly income goes away to pay it off. Anyway.

Cersei is still possessed with the idea of controlling the “continent” which at this point sounds incredibly stupid given what we know is to come with the War for the Dawn. But, semantics.

Okay, this dagger situation. Littlefinger is being smarmy, and talking about how Bran almost died, and Catelyn did die. It’s almost as bad as when Bran was like “Hey Sansa, remember how beautiful you were when you were raped?”  It also sounds really “off” to hear Petyr call him “Brandon” because only Cat did that when she was yelling at him for climbing around Winterfell. 

I’m so glad that Meera interrupts the smarm-sesh because Bran isn’t really waving him off. And tbh whenever I see Meera, I just hope they’re not going to go down the “Jon and Meera” twins crackpot theory road. The one where they decide that there were TWO babies at the Tower of Joy, and Ned took one, and Howland took the other? I hate that theory. Let us have Jon. Meera’s a badass, but... THEN she starts talking about how when “they” (the white walkers) come, she needs to be with her family. Ah, yes, her father, THE Howland Reed, who killed Arthur Dayne, who was the only other living person not a baby who was there at the Tower when Lyanna made Ned swear to protect Jon’s true identity. 

Can SOMEONE please just tell this boy he’s a Targaryen already?! I’ve waited 12 years and that’s long enough.

Back to Bran. Bran is still being very Jaden Smith-like and it’s getting old because he’s not really helping anyone. Bran, this is why we left you out of an entire season. Remember that? The North does. 

So, now Arya is here, and maybe she can knock some sense into raisin-Bran. 

Arya looking at the Stark crest, though. *Tears up*

I’m upset that we’ve come so far that nobody knows who Rodrick is. SER RODRICK. I miss those mutton chops.

Arya and Sansa! Together! Being sassy! I love it! Except I only see Maisie and Sophie together, and not their characters, and I’ve forgotten that Arya and Sansa didn’t exactly get along all those years ago.

They talk about how Jon would be SO happy to see Arya, and I hope we get to that point. Arya says that Ned’s statue doesn’t look him him, just as Robert remarked that Lyanna’s looks nothing like her, so that seems to be a trend in the Stark crypt.

I like how Sansa is essentially WTF about her siblings’ new personalities. Bran is a fortune-telling raisin, and Arya is an assassin who broke bread with Ed Sheeran.

THREE STARKS IN ONE FRAME. AT WINTERFELL. I CAN’T.

Clearly Bran has seen Arya do something with this dagger, or he wouldn’t be so creepy about giving it to her. He ~knows. I’m glad Sansa perks up and says something about how Littlefinger has to be up to something, because for a minute there it looked like she was on board with him.

I love how Jon literally interrupts girl talk here, and Missandei is like “well talk later”. 

I also love how Dany just waltzes in there with him, and is apparently fully on board with trusting him at this point.

And we all know how much Jon Snow loves caves. *wink*

I like how he thinks he’s showing her a bit of her heritage, but really, he’s discovering his own as well. 

How CONVENIENT that there are markings showing white walkers, the very things she doesn’t believe in, though?

When Jon touches Dany I literally just wanted to scream “THEY ARE TOUCHING. WHO TOUCHES THE QUEEN” like this is 2005 Pride and Prejudice and Darcy is helping Elizabeth into the carriage.

That look.

I want someone to touch my arm and lead me gently around a cave where I learn about history.

So much tension.

So. much. tension.

People were like “they have no chemistry!” Me: *Gestures at this scene*

Also, the parallels: 

“I will fight for you. I will fight for the North. When you bend the knee.”

There are tears welling up in my eyes.

DAMN, DANY. Don’t ask Jon to bend the knee in a cave because he’s already done that and we saw how that went. But honestly I could totally see them turning this around and having him “bend the knee” some other way, especially because of that tension. DAMN.

~Lingering looks and soft music~

But I don’t know how they’re going to get around the incest factor. It’s not a big deal on GoT but there’s really no way of making it normal between two beloved characters even if they are Targaryens.

In the books, Viserys yells at Dany for not being born earlier so she could marry Rhaegar (normal) because then he wouldn’t have run off with Lyanna (Jon’s mom).

And then they exit the cave so closely it almost looks like they’re holding hands from the angle, but they aren’t, don’t worry. But we’ve come a long way in one episode.

Tyrion’s like, what do you want, good news or bad news first? Varys is like, my hands are cold.

Okay, I feel bad that Dany digs into Tyrion like that, but she has a right to be pissed. I also like how she says Jon and Davos should stay because they’re essentially part of her small council now.

“Enough with clever plans. I have three large dragons. I’m going to fly them to the Red Keep”.

I like how she says “large”. Not just that she has dragons, but like they’re LARGE. Anyway.

AND THEN SHE LOOKS TO JON. TO JON.

He’s like “who, me?” Missandei and Varys are like “who, him?” 

Help me Jon Snow. You’re my only hope.

And he gives her a speech about doing impossible things, which he has ALSO done. The layers. (I’m not just saying layers because the Onion knight is right there.)

Every time we see dragons I’m like “can Rhaegal come say hi to Jon” like we’re at the damn pet store.

Arya. Sparring with Brienne. I also can’t. If you think back to when Ned was telling Arya she’d make a fine lady one day, and she told him that’s not who she was, so he hired Syrio, and she was getting somewhat decent, but she wasn’t great. Now... on par with Brienne. We’ve come so far. *ANTM fist pump*

Pod’s like “damnnnn”.

Sansa’s like “who is my sister”. 

Littlefinger’s like “oh fuck”.

THIS. IS. GAME. OF. THRONES. 

Honestly you can tell this was so fun to shoot for the two of them, and I love it. I’m living.

Omg Jon acting like he’s in middle school: “who?” YOUR CRUSH JON. YOUR CRUSH. “I’ve seen you staring at her good heart”. ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS DIALOGUE, D&D?

Okay, two things are happening here. 

1. Davos CONTINUES to mention Missandei OF NAATH. Not just, Missandei. While it’s common to mention where people are from, nothing on this show is coincidental. He even talks about if she wanted to sail home to Naath. Just FYI - if you want to know something slightly sketchy, look up the butterflies of Naath.

2. They talk about names, which Jon is like “semantics”. Are they setting us up for his Targaryen name reveal?! “My mother and father weren’t married”. BUT WERE THEY?! Ugh I can’t wait to get into this and talk about how they probably were but this post is long enough as it is.

Missandei speaks 19 languages. And she doesn’t know what a bastard is. Okay.

Jon’s aggression toward Theon. YAS. There’s my little warrior bb. His expression is the epitome of “over this shit”.

I’m honestly surprised Theon had the balls to walk toward Jon at all. Okay not funny.

Okay, sidebar: sometimes I just think about Kit in Pompeii. Running around. Being a gladiator. I’m done now.

“The Queen is gone.”

OH MY GOD DANY IS GOING TO GET THE LANNISTERS. 

“If the head of the line is ambushed, the tail will never be able to reinforce it in time” - Randyll Tarly, you foreshadower, you. Head. Tail. Dragon. I see you.

“Rickon.”

“Dickon.”

Bronn: *Cackles. Is all of us*

I like how Jaime continues to call him by dead Stark names - previously, Rickard, and now Rickon. 

But then. Hoofbeats. DAMN, DAMN. I hate the Lannisters but I like Jaime and Bronn and I know what a shitstorm is coming for them and ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE IT?!

I like how you can hear the Dothraki screaming from that far away, before you can even see them. Remember this conversation that Robert and Cersei had in season 1? Robert: I do know this: If the Targaryen girl convinces her horselord husband to invade and the Dothraki horde crosses the Narrow Sea...We won't be able to stop them. Cersei: The Dothraki don't sail. Every child knows that. They don't have discipline, they don't have armor, they don't have siege weapons. Robert: It's a neat little trick you do. You move your lips and your father's voice comes out. Cersei: Is my father wrong? Robert: Let's say Viserys Targaryen lands with 40,000 Dothraki screamers at his back. We hole up in our castles. A wise move. Only a fool would meet the Dothraki in an open field. They leave us in our castles. They go from town to town, looting and burning, killing every man who can't hide behind a stone wall, stealing all our crops and livestock, enslaving all our women and children. How long do the people of the Seven Kingdoms stand behind their absentee king, their cowardly king hiding behind high walls? When do the people decide that Viserys Targaryen is the rightful monarch after all?

Those payoffs, though.

It all looks quite stormy, as though this battle will go in favor of Daenerys Stormborn.

Sidebar: they did a fantastic job with the CGI background, here.

Jaime, if Bronn is telling you to go, you go. He doesn’t play around.

“DRACARYS”

DAMN, DANY.

And people are shook. People are stepping over each other’s ashes like it’s Pompeii (shout out, Kit) while the Dothraki mow over them.

I’ve watched a lot of war movies.

I’ve watched a lot of battle scenes.

And, damn.

Big question: Are Rhaegal and Viserion at home, or?

Sidebar: this must have been EXPENSIVE for all that fire power.

Archers with regular arrows: nope

Bronn with the scorpion: SHIT

SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME WE HAVE TO WATCH BRONN SHOOT DROGON WHILST DANY RIDES HIM. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I feel like this is the worst kind of dread because you KNOW it’s going to happen.

Bronn is 100% “if I were into that, I’d be into that.” Like, if I were into guys with issues and lots of war wrinkles, I’d be into him. Which means I slightly am. Anyway.

And after Dany and Drogon almost gets hit, SHE DOESN’T LEAVE? SHE DOESN’T LEARN FROM THE FIGHTING PIT SCENE? GO, GO, GO.

As much as I am in agony I’m also like THIS IS PRIME GAME OF THRONES. BRONN, AIMING A GIANT CROSSBOW THING AT A DRAGON WHILE DANY RIDES IT AND TRIES TO BURN HIM TO A CRISP? THIS. IS. GAME. OF. THRONES. BITCHES.

Sidebar: How does Bronn know how to operate this thing and dramatically throw the sides down like that?!

TYRION IS HERE? SHIT. THAT MEANS BAD THINGS FOR DANY AND/OR JAIME BECAUSE HE IS HERE TO WATCH.

“Your people can’t fight” A) Does Tyrion now speak Dothraki? He’s terrible at Valyrian. B) Is this also a reference to the fact that Tyrion MAY not be a Lannister after all? C) Is that a hint of the Rains of Castamere in the background? But like a slow remix? Um... who is going to die

Jaime, watching his soldiers crumble away like ash. Third Pompeii reference.

Bronn, shooting at Dany.

The music swells.

Drogon roars.

Tyrion watches with interest.

Bronn loads the scorpion.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

He hits Drogon. He moves to strike again.

DANY AND DROGON ARE FALLING.

Okay, Drogon burns the scorpion to a crisp, but IS HE OKAY?! BB!

Dany’s really going to pull that thing out herself?

No, JAIME. DON’T DO IT.

You one-handed idiot.

But honestly that shot of Jaime galloping along the burning riverbanks toward Dany is cinematic goals.

Dany actually looks scared, but Drogon’s got her.

BAM.

BOOM.

P.S. If they killed Jaime off, I feel like they’d tell us. They were outright with Olenna... they weren’t outright with Jon. Jaime still has a lot to do.... Valonquar, anyone?

UNTIL NEXT WEEK. P.S. If you like my recaps as much as Davos loves Jon Snow, please let me know and I’ll continue writing them.

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S6, E5: The Door

I’m crying, you’re crying, we’re all crying.

Season 6, Episode 5 Recap by KeepingUp-WithTheTargaryens

So we begin with Sansa being a boss ass bitch. Finally, she’s standing up to one of the many men that caused her harm over the past six years. Littlefinger may not have done it directly, but he’s still an asshole by proxy, as Sansa tells him. Honestly, for someone who seems to have it all together AND have feelings for Sansa (ish?) it seems like a pretty big mistake to make. Although I would have REALLY liked for Brienne to kill him right then and there, Sansa is going to need The Vale at some point, that’s almost guaranteed.

Also, I like how he said “half-brother” at the end, but I wanted to scream “COUSIN” at my screen.

While Sansa gets more and more interesting, Arya gets more and more boring. I don’t know how they’re going to salvage this one, honestly. If she quits the faceless men, this whole arc will have been for nothing. If she stays, I just can’t see Arya serving a faceless entity for the rest of her days. Also, can someone just kill the Waif?

Meanwhile, she’s forced to watch this very meta play about her family. It’s extra horrifying because she was actually there for her father’s beheading, which was heavily satirized. I like the internal struggle, at least, because she’s forced to remember who she is all while becoming “faceless”. Also, from behind these wigs look pretty convincing, and I’d laugh to learn that they were the actual Cersei and Ned wigs of old.

Does anyone remember when Jaqen was kind of hot in an “if I were into that I’d be into that” kind of way? I do, and now I’m annoyed with him. Bye.

Bran and TER take a nice walk through a druid forest and learn about symbolism and rebirth.

Next we learn that the children of the forest are actually responsible for creating the white walkers. This is where things get a bit weird for me, and this might be reaching, but I have to share it. So... in the show, the children of the forest look like mythological harpies. They created the white walkers. So in a sense, wouldn’t the white walkers be sons of the harpy(ies)?! It’s a stretch, but it’s a strange coincidence if you ask me. Also, this actor looked like that guy from Grey’s Anatomy/Made of Honor and that’s all I could think about during this scene.

Our next boss ass bitch is Yara, a.k.a. the rightful Queen of the Iron Islands. Pyke has really gone to shit lately, and I feel like she’s the only one who is going to fix anything. She fixed Theon’s narrative arc, which is a feat I didn’t think was possible after 5 seasons of weirdness. When he backed her, I wanted to pull one of these:

But then of course, Euron has to show up and cause problems, because this is Game of Thrones.

Tbh, they did a really good job casting him, because he really looks like he could be related to Alfie Allen. At this point it’s pretty clear that the Ironborn are extremely easily swayed, and Yara is probably better off without them.

Especially because of their really dumb coronation ritual. “Here, stick him into the ocean until he drowns and hope that he comes back”. Like, do you have a backup? Have people ever died during this? What do you do then? Keep going down the line until someone doesn’t die? Also, note the guy who does the dipping - that’s Aeron Greyjoy, who is actually brother to Balon and Euron, but decided to go become a Salt Priest (Priest of the Drowned God) instead. He kind of just sways with whatever wind blows, although part of me thinks he’s not entirely happy with this brother King. Anyone else notice the nice Iliad reference? A thousand ships for Dany? No? Yes? 

Speaking of Dany, before Jorah showed her his greyscale, WHAT were they doing up here? Why was Daario there? Was she going to have them fight to the death? Have Daario kill him? I had tears in my eyes when she was like I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE (Jorah the Explorer). Too bad Shireen (RIP) isn’t still alive to tell us how she survived that one...

Also Dany was looking really great this episode - like maybe it’s Maybelline or maybe I walked through fire and got a new wig.

Speaking of looking good, I’m about 10 seconds from joining the Lord of Light because apparently he can give you great hair, good skin, and nice boobs. I’m down for that. Also, if I had to identify with one character on this show, I’d really hope it was Dany or Sansa or someone gorgeous, but really I would say it’s Varys, because, I too like to hang out in my pajamas and know everything about everyone.

Maybe the Night’s King could use some Lord of Light beauty magic. Bran reallllllly decided to fuck up here. This entire episode has been like: Bloodraven: Bran, no Bran: Bran, yes Bloodraven: Bran, NO! Bran: BRAN YES!

And seriously ruins everything. And all that magic that was protecting them under the weirwood is now invalid and they have to run away. GREAT JOB, BRAN.

Mostly I just screenshotted this for Jon’s sass. 

At this point I feel like kicking Sansa under the table for letting Littlefoot (omg, I really just typed that, no, he is not a dinosaur eating tree stars, although I’m still upset about his grandpa, tbh) Littlefinger go too far. GET HIM BACK AND BRING RAMSAY DOWN. I also think it’s pretty boss that Sansa knows she’s the one who will get the backing from the Stark and Tully names. 

Also, can I have a Brienne? To chop down all of my enemies? To question my stupid twitter posts? To neutralize all of my perils?

This moment was really special, because it shows that Sansa fully accepts Jon as part of House Stark. My only question is... we all know that Sansa can sew, but can she... stamp leather? Apparently she’s a goddess of many talents.

Brienne is breaking the fourth wall to let us know that she does NOT want to go on that Wyndham rewards trip.

Long live the manbun. And Jon Snow and the gingers exiting Castle Black.

Starks on horses lead to Starks in trouble. Basically from this point on in the show, my face was exactly what Meera’s is here. Also, when she killed that White Walker, I’ve never seen more compelling evidence for the Jon/Meera theory (that with R+L=J, it’s actually R+L= J and M. That when Lyanna had Jon, she had twins, and Ned took one while Howland Reed took the other.) although I don’t think that’s ever going to become a real thing. 

This scene is a great time for me to explain the difference between White Walkers and wights. So the White Walkers are the more powerful ones that were created by The Children for the war against the First Men, like we saw earlier. The wights are re-animated corpses, aka minions, and therefore can’t walk through fire like the White Walkers can. WHY DID SUMMER HAVE TO DIE?!

Hodor. Hold the door. After hearing the title for this episode I feel dumb for not connecting it, but how could I? No one guessed this, that I saw ANYWHERE on the internet. I saw the Lyanna/warging theory, but this is so much worse.

How is Meera going to get Bran back? Is Benjen going to jump out of the snow and help? Is Gendry going to row his boat up North to help?

I honestly don’t have anything more to say about it. The fact that Hodor’s sacrifice was that well-planned out and had been coming since the very beginning is so heartbreaking, along with the fact that he had to experience his own death twice. AND he had to walk around saying those words as one word for his entire life as a reminder. Like, what? This is me. This is how I feel. 

Hodor forever.

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

Video this week - it’s crappy, but it’s here!  Game of Thrones S6E3 Recap by KeepingUp-WithTheTargaryens

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

Recap for this week will be up Monday!

(it’s too epic for me to rush tonight)

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S6, E2: Home

I legit don’t even know how to write this recap. That’s where I’m at right now.

Season 6, Episode 2 Recap by KeepingUp-WithTheTargaryens

For the first time in forever, we see Bran. He’s with the re-cast version of the Three-Eyed Raven, aka Max von Sydow, aka Lor San Tekka, and I’m loving the fandom crossover. Bran and TER are watching events unfold at Winterfell when Ned was just a boy, sparring with Benjen. (Remember Benjen, the first ranger of the Night’s Watch, who disappeared and then was used as clickbait for Jon’s murder? That one.)

If you remember, we left Bran and TER up north having this conversation:

So, who exactly is the Three-Eyed Raven? Well, his real name is Brynden Rivers, and he’s a Targaryen bastard. Much like we have the bastard names Snow and Sand, Rivers is yet another. Brynden Rivers is the illegitimate son of King Aegon Targaryen IV, aka the great-great-great-great-grandfather to Daenerys Targaryen. He’s also known in many places as the Bloodraven, due to a wine-colored birthmark. He’s a greenseer (meaning he can see the future and the past) as well as a skinchanger, so he’s teaching these skills to Bran. Essentially, he was a Targaryen bastard who was involved in the Blackfyre rebellion, was sent to the Wall to take the black with Aemon (RIP), became Lord Commander, disappeared, and is now hanging out in this tree root system with Bran. 

Anyway, back to the vision.

I wasn’t even going to include another picture other than Lyanna, but now I have to because based on this facial hair, THIS LOOKS LIKE RODRICK (ALSO RIP) AND IT MAKES ME SO SAD.  Anyway. 

The second Lyanna rode in on her white horse looking majestic as FUCK, (there’s a theory that a random knight beat all of these other knights near this tree back in the day, and no one could figure out who this knight was, and now after this I’m betting you ANYTHING Lyanna was secretly this knight) I knew this was going to be a good episode. Why else would we get Lyanna if not to set up for a Jon reveal? At this point, I’m 99% sure that R+L = J is canon. We also see young Hodor speaking to Lyanna, and it’s THE BEST.

Bran wants to stay (legs + happiness, I mean honestly who wants to give that up) but the Bloodraven drags him back to reality (there goes gravity) and he’s not extremely thrilled about it. Honestly, I don’t know what the point of this scene would be, like I said, if not to set up the Tower of Joy scene in the next episode (where Ned finds Lyanna in a bed of blood, PROBABLY post giving birth to Jon Snow). 

Bran lounges outside and chats with Meera Reed for a little bit, and she doubts their entire mission and why she’s there with Bran. One of the children of the forest tells her that Bran isn’t going to be in there forever, and that she’s going to need to protect him once he’s out in the open. This is all coming together because Howland Reed (her father) was there at the Tower of Joy with Ned Stark, and that’s probably how we’re going to get the flashback through Bran.

So back at Castle Black, Asshole Thorne is trying to get Jon’s body back from Ser Davos, who is like, fuck no man, this is my body and I’m not giving it up. Davos grabs Longclaw (OMG, a great moment, am I right? I’m right) and is prepared to defend Jon’s body to his own death, but Edd returns with Tormund, the Wildlings (sorry, Free Folk) and a very angry Wun-Wun (the badass giant). Edd has Asshole Thorne locked up along with Asshole Olly and the rest of the traitors who stabbed Jon in a Westeros pattern on his torso. (PS who is the guy in this shot with Edd? Can we see more of him? Thx HBO). PPS, does anyone else like REALLY struggle with not seeing Tormund as the Wyndham rewards wizard? Watch this and you’ll never be the same, but you’re welcome at the same time.

Meanwhile, Jon’s still on ice, and Tormund has his men gather wood for a fire. NICE TRY, HBO. I was worried. I was legit worried for about thirty minutes. But I also thought he might be reborn out of the flames a la a Targaryen.

Next we find ourselves in King’s Landing, where Cersei is barred from going to Myrcella’s funeral. With Sir Robert Strong (aka the Mountain but Frankenstein’s monster version) she probably could have gotten past these guys and to the sept, but the last time she was there she had to walk naked through a giant crowd while people flung poop at her, so i’m not sure I’d want to go through that again, and for once Tommen probably did the right thing. 

Tommen’s at the sept with Jaime, standing over dead Myrcella, talking about what a wuss he is that his mother and his wife were captured (aka he’s not really in charge at all, he’s more of a figurehead) when Jonathan Pryce aka Governor Swann aka the High Sparrow walks up. Jaime clearly really wants to kill him and for a second I thought he might, but sadly all of Governor Swann’s henchmen walk up with weapons. I feel like Jaime should have just gone for it anyway, but I’m sure it’ll happen at some point. Also, Jonathan Pryce talks a lot about how they’re “no one and they have no families” which parallels something that Davos says later about how all of the religions and gods on the show are the same thing, regardless of what they’re called. 

Tommen goes home to Cersei at Jaime’s request before things get heated with the High Sparrow, and he tells her essentially that he wants to step up and be a king. At this moment I was thinking two things: -Why is this so Star Wars-y? (”Help me” “Anything” *Embrace*) I was like half expecting someone to stab someone else -I was also like, is Cersei going to kill Tommen? Is she just over the fact that all her kids are going to die before her and she just wants to kill him now so she doesn’t have to wonder when it’s going to happen?

Nope. Nope on both counts. Don’t worry everyone, Tommen’s fine... For now. 

So we don’t have any Dany this episode, but we do get her small council. The fleet has been burned, and the dragons are locked up downstairs in the dungeon, refusing to eat. 

Tyrion’s like “hey dragons don’t do well in captivity” and everyone is like OH REALLY HOW DO YOU KNOW and Tyrion’s like “I drink and I know things” but really he’s like BITCH THEY ARE DRAGONS HOW WELL DO YOU THINK THEY’LL DO IN CAPTIVITY and talks about how the Targaryens started locking their dragons up a few centuries back and they got smaller and smaller until they were basically dog-sized. Their skulls are actually visible in the Red Keep by the Iron Throne. Knowing how big of a dragon freak Tyrion is, this scene is especially important. Because he’s not especially good at fighting, like Jaime, and because of his stature, he spent most of his life learning things. He LOVES dragons. The two scenes last season (with Jorah in the boat, and when Dany rode out of the arena) where he got to see dragons were particularly awe-striking for him since he’s learned so much about them, and he’s so curious about anything dragon related. So, clearly he decides it’s his job to go down and free Rhaegal and Viserion. While we’re at it, let’s talk about these dragons. Drogon is the one who carried Dany out of the arena and into the north where she got picked up by Khal Moro. He’s obviously named after Khal Drogo. Drogon is red and black - Targaryen colors. Rhaegal is named after Rhaegar Targaryen, Dany’s brother. I’m pretty sure that if we DO see Jon and Tyrion as dragon riders, Jon will get Rhaegal (because that’s dragon is named after his dad, duh - more proof is seen in the leaked photos of Jon on set wearing green and bronze, Rhaegal iS green and bronze), and Viserion is named after her other brother, Viserys - the one who was killed by Khal Drogo. Viserion is white and gold - convenient that the Lannister colors also include a heavy dose of gold. 

After Tyrion takes off their chains, he leaves them underground, but I’m pretty sure this is both exposition AND a set up for what will happen in the future because he’s probably going to need them. They’re highly intelligent, like he said, and now they know he’s someone they can trust. 

Arya is still chilling out in Braavos being Daredevil. It seems she’s now on her way back to the House of Black and White... like... that was fast? Okay?

At Winterfell, Ramsay’s just being Ramsay (say that to the tune of “she’s just being Miley”) and hints at a possible pink letter plot to get Sansa back from Jon. Roose is like “mmm, son, you’re a lunatic, and if you act like a lunatic no one is ever going to trust you” and then the Maester comes in and is like “congrats you have a non-psychopath baby son to replace Ramsay” and Ramsay’s like “fuck that, I’m pulling a Kylo Ren” and stabs Roose, and at this point I was just like wow nice foreshadowing with Cersei and Tommen earlier, I saw this coming... kind of. Or just some kind of stabbity parent-hugging. So now Ramsay is Lord Bolton, also LORD of Winterfell, and then decides to feed Walda and his baby half-brother to the dogs in what is probably the worst scene this show has ever come up with, ethics-wise.

Next we get Sansa, Brienne, Theon, and sex god Podrick, still on the run, still headed to Castle Black. Brienne is telling Sansa about the last time she saw Arya. She says: “She was with a man. He didn’t want to leave her, and she didn’t want to leave him. I searched for her for three days.”  Sansa says: “How did she look?” Brienne: She looked good. She wasn’t exactly dressed like a lady. Sansa: No, she wouldn’t be.

OKAY THIS. THIS IS SUCH HUGE FORESHADOWING. Arya and Lyanna are CONSTANTLY compared in the books, and Lyanna’s entrance was very similar to Arya’s in S1E1. The fact that we get THIS exchange AND Lyanna Stark in one episode - essentially this IS what happened to Lyanna, only in different context after Rhaegar “kidnapped” her and Ned found her later at the Tower of Joy. 

Theon decides to leave because he’s done too many things and can’t live with himself, and I’m actually sad to see him leave Sansa. He says he’s going “Home” to the Iron Islands - I think that’s partially where the title of this episode comes from.

Back in the Iron Islands, we get Yara and her father, Balon, having a disagreement about the way he’s running things. He leaves, and once he’s outside he meets a shadowy figure on a bridge. This figure happens to be his brother, Euron Greyjoy, who decides that he wants to be Lord of the Iron Islands, and throws his brother off the bridge. After what Ramsay did, this wasn’t even shocking. Later, at his funeral, we find out that Yara thinks she’s going to sit on the Salt Throne, but she’s going to have to fight for it since apparently primogeniture isn’t a thing here. 

Understandably, Yara’s a little salty about the whole thing.

The second Davos went to see Melisandre I was like... really? IS HE GOING TO ASK PLEASE LET HIM ASK WAIT THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

Then, he asked. She talks a bit about Thoros of Myr and Beric Dondarrion, and how it shouldn’t have been possible. He asks her to try, and THANK FUCK she agrees.

She then decides that it’s necessary to clean him off first, so she takes off all of his clothes and cleans him off so we can see his Westeros-shaped stab wounds. When Thoros brought Beric back, he was fully clothed, so I’m not sure this was 100% necessary, but I’m also not going to complain about it. How long do you think Kit Harington had to chill on that table while she cleaned him off and cut his hair? Speaking of hair, was that just an LOL that HBO threw in there because Kit isn’t allowed to cut his hair but it’s fine if Mel does it?

Slowly, they all decide to give up - Jon Snow isn’t coming back. Melisandre couldn’t do it. She’s upset, leaves after Tormund, then Edd leaves, then Davos. That leaves Ghost and Jon in the room, and at this point, I was like... shit. This was all a tease, he’s dead dead, this is the end. I had my hand over my mouth being like IS THIS GOING TO BE THE MOMENT HE DOES OR DOESN’T COME BACK THIS IS MONUMENTAL TV HISTORY.

Then, the camera panned to Ghost. My first thought was “Fuck. Now he’s warged into Ghost and that’s an entirely new problem.”

BUT THEN:

In a very Twilight-y turn of events, the camera jumps to Jon’s lifeless body. And then in a very jarring few seconds:

YASSSSS. FUCK YASSSSSSS.

That’s all I can really say. So many questions. Like, why hasn’t the internet been all over this yet? Why have I not seen any gifs on Tumblr? Why is he alive when his Westeros-shaped cuts are still there? Is he a zombie, or is he normal Jon Snow? Is he going to stay alive? Is he now Azor Ahai? Is Melisandre going to be okay since that probably took a lot of power and she knows that it takes it out of you to revive people? How is HBO going to explain the fact that they straight up LIED to us saying Jon Snow was “dead is dead” - same with Kit Harington? Is he still Jon Snow? Or is he Jon Stark? Azor Ahai? Is he going to leave now that he’s free from his Night’s Watch vows since he technically DIED?! Is Edd going to be the new Lord Commander?

Maybe best of all:

Why does young Ned Stark in the Tower of Joy flashback/vision for next week look an odd amount like Neil Patrick Harris? Weird, HBO, weird.

Get excited for next week, y’all.

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S6, E1: The Red Woman

Title: Has to do with what we learn about Melisandre at the end - many people suspected that “The Red Woman” would either be the new priestess that we’ll see with Tyrion and Varys, OR Lyanna Stark, covered in blood, in the Tower of Joy flashback. Looks like we’ll have to wait a few more episodes to see either of those red ladies.

So, we pan in over the wall, to a very, VERY dead Lord Commander Jon Snow. Is it too much to hope for that his body is still preserved and resurrect-able because of the snow? Probably. Is it too much to hope for that the blood stains kind of look like a dragon and a wolf? Am I reading too much into this? Totally, but who cares. Season 6, Episode 1 Recap by KeepingUp-WithTheTargaryens

The always lovely Onion Knight, aka Ser Davos, finds our dead Lord Commander aka Jon Snow aka BitN (Bae in the North) and essentially everyone still loyal to him (minus Ghost, someone go get him, seriously) stands around a table looking at his swiss cheese remains. Melisandre comes in and says that she saw a vision of him fighting at Winterfell, and this, along with the fact that she’s just lost Stannis (aka her Azor Ahai to-be) has her pretty shaken. She’s clearly losing her faith, as we can see by the fact that she’s actually bundled up at Castle Black, since the Lord of Light isn’t keeping her warm anymore. 

We then see Alliser Thorne telling everyone in the hall why he and the other officers (+ Olly, fuck Olly) decided to kill Jon. No one is really that upset about the swiss cheese incident murder, and they seemingly move on with their lives, except for the fact that they want Jon’s body back, and Ser Davos won’t give it up for obvious reasons. 

Meanwhile, we find Ramsay up at Winterfell mourning Myranda. He gives a nice, touching creepy speech before having her fed to the hounds that she once tended to. Despite losing his fellow sociopath love, Ramsay is feeling pretty smug about defeating Stannis’ army. But then, Roose Bolton, dad of the year, comes along and metaphorically smacks Ramsay upside the head and tells him that he lost his wife, the heir to Winterfell, as well as the heir to the Iron Islands/Reek, and that really he doesn’t have a lot to be proud of without the two of them captive. He even threatens to de-legitimize Ramsay, and I love it when Roose threatens Ramsay. How long do we think this will last before we see some good ol’ patricide on Ramsay’s part?

Speaking of Sansa and Theon, they’re running from the hounds that are later going to feast on Myranda. They’ve found a nice tree the worst hiding place in the entire universe, and I know Sansa’s been through a lot, but COME ON, GIRL. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS. The hounds find them, and Theon does a noble thing for the first time in the entire series, but THEN...

Fresh off of killing Stannis, Brienne appears (with Pod) and saves Sansa. I’m not going to lie, I’m happy that Brienne FINALLY got to Sansa (how many seasons did it take? Three?) and was able to swear fealty that was actually ACCEPTED, but this doesn’t change the fact that I was reminded that Sansa once rejected Brienne’s help, back when she was with Littlefinger. Sure, she was brainwashed, but somehow I’m still bitter. Regardless, this scene was chill-worthy, and thank the old gods and the new that Sansa and Theon might actually have some good luck this season. Anyone else want to talk about how this is basically Captain Phasma swearing loyalty to Jean Grey? No? Just me? Okay.

Next, we head to King’s Landing, where Cersei watches Jaime sail into the harbor with a dead Myrcella in tow. I particularly like that even though she just died at sea, that conveniently had a gold shroud to remind us of the Maggy the Frog prophecy that we saw in the last season premiere where she says “Gold will be their crowns, gold will be their shrouds”. Cersei knows that all three of her children will die before her, which means there’s a 97.5% chance that Tommen will die this season. 

Margaery is still in jail, as is Loras, presumably, and refuses to confess. Somehow I like that she’s held it together far longer than Cersei did in the same conditions. Jonathan Pryce aka Governor Swann aka The High Sparrow comes in to read her a bedtime story check on her, and that’s all we really get.

Meanwhile, in Dorne... Honestly, when I first saw that Ellaria was HELPING Prince Doran, I was like, okay, this is pretty weird... she hates him... they’re reminiscing on life and Oberyn... giving social justice movements shoutouts... shit. Doran’s going to die.

And well, Ellaria Sand didn’t disappoint. The second that Doran learns about Myrcella’s murder, Ellaria takes him out with the help of one of the Sand Snakes. Clearly this was pre-meditated and foreshadowed by the swiss cheese incident at the wall, but WHY couldn’t Ellaria have just killed him prior to this moment? We all knew he was bound to find out about it at some point, so why wait? DRAMA. Because Ellaria loves drama, and frankly, I’m okay with that. But who is going to rule Dorne now? Don’t worry, we still have Prince Tristayne.

Just kidding, we totally don’t have Tristayne anymore because his cousins decided to play whack-a-mole and sneak onto his boat. Bye, Tristayne. This was all very Tristayne-and-Iseult but murdery. But seriously, is Ellaria going to rule? One of the Sand Snakes? Are they going to go find one of the Daynes at Starfall? So much stabbity, so little time.

Moving on... Varys and Tyrion are walking around Mereen, giving us a nice little recap of what happened last season. They’re talking about how dangerous it is to be walking around in the city with all of the violence afoot, but yet... they’re just walking around casually. Yes, Tyrion mentions that they’re dressed as merchants but: A. HOW MANY PEOPLE LOOK LIKE TYRION B. HOW MANY PEOPLE LOOK LIKE VARYS C. HOW MANY PEOPLE LOOK LIKE TYRION AND VARYS TOGETHER D. It’s just not safe So, this leads me to wonder, IS Varys the Harpy? It doesn’t make a lot of sense, considering he’s trying to help Dany, but it also makes a weird amount of sense at the same time. TBD. Then, like normal people, they run toward the harbor as other people are fleeing, to see Dany’s entire fleet burning.  “I guess we won’t be sailing to Westeros any time soon.” Oh, Tyrion. Nice use of litotes.

Next we see the Brothers Bae riding around looking for their bae.

I’ve never been so thrilled about a recast as I am about the Daario Naharis recast every time Michiel Huisman is on screen. Sometimes I also think about how at one time, Iain Glen was also really attractive and not old and hung out with Lara Croft. Honestly, if my dragon freaked out and dropped me off in a place where a Dothraki Horde could kidnap me, I’d want these two trying to find me too.

Tbh, one of my favorite parts of this episode was when Dany totally knew what the Dothraki were saying about her and she just rolled her eyes. Slay, Dany.

I’m also happy that Khal Moro (not Jhaqo, like we all thought he would be, apparently) came to his senses about Dany, since she’s now being sent to Khal widow hospice, but... I’m sure Jorah the Explorer and Bae #2 will come for her soon. 

Can we also just take a hot second to look at how much her necklace has changed since she took off with Drogon? Apparently that entire tail piece fell off. Maybe it’s a metaphor, maybe the props department lost it over the break, who knows.

Next, the girl from the House of Black and White beats Arya up with a stick. I wish I had more to say about this, but Arya, why is your storyline so boring right now? “See you tomorrow” OKAY. Maisie, I’m sorry you had to wear those stupid contacts, and I’m sorry you’re mad that people are wanting to know what’s up with Jon, but it’s because honestly, right now you’re super boring. I hope it gets better soon. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Then we go to Alliser who is threatening/bargaining with Ser Davos for Jon’s body and his departure. Honestly, if Jon’s body wasn’t a big deal, they (the showrunners) would have burned it already. BUT the fact that we have all this going on is pretty much a solid “Jon’s still important even if he’s a lifeless body” type of thing. All I wanted to do this episode was fist pump for Davos because he’s way more intelligent than anyone ever gave him credit for.

“What’s one redhead going to do against forty armed men?”  LOL. Davos: You haven’t seen her do what I’ve seen her do. DUN DUN DUN.... 

We then pan to Melisandre playing “Mirror Mirror on the Wall” when she suddenly becomes an old woman. Well, this may seem shocking, but in reality, Melisandre is like 150 years old. The reason she’s kept her youth and vitality is because of her faith in the Red God. As we’ve seen, she just lost Stannis DESPITE burning Shireen (which then melted some snow.... and that’s all.... but I think Shireen’s blood magic has some more Snow to melt, if you get what I mean) and then lost Jon, whom she’d had a vision of fighting at Winterfell. She feels like she’s lost everything, and we even see her get cold, when previously she’d told Jon that the Lord of Light (aka the LOL) keeps her warm.

Remember? Anyway, Melisandre is now an old lady and might possibly die. So this was the producers being like OH SHIT, AUDIENCE. WHAT NOW?! THE RED WOMAN CAN’T BRING JON BACK!  Well, she still could. If she can’t, we’ve got Thoros of Myr confirmed as coming back for this season. Who is Thoros? Remember this guy?

The dude from like, Season 3, when we met the brotherhood without banners?

The dude who brought Beric Dondarrion, aka the live action version of that weird animal from that Ice Age sequel back from the dead after the Hound killed him?

In case you forgot about that whole thing, you can watch it here. Beric’s sword even lit up in a very Azor Ahai-prophecy way.

Melisandre was there, and although she was amazed to see that Thoros has brought Beric back MULTIPLE times, she knows it’s possible. Beric’s a little damaged, but I’d rather see a damaged Jon Snow than no Jon at all.  The night may be dark and full of terrors, but we know it’s a little less dark when Jon’s alive, right?  Message me your Jon Snow theories! All screencaps from hbogo.com

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S5, E7: The Gift

Title: Tyrion is Jorah’s “gift” to Daenerys

The episode opens at Castle Black where Jon Snow frees Tormund Giantsbane (also known as the ginger wildling that’s not Ygritte ~RIP~) even though the rest of the Night’s Watch (other than Sam) isn’t happy about it considering the wildlings are pretty much their mortal enemies. 

Jon heads out with Tormund to go tell the wildlings that they need to head south before they’re turned into undead white walkers. As he does, he tells his first ranger that he has command of Castle Black. Anyone else feel like that’s a terrible idea? He’s like “don’t go save people who killed our brothers” and Jon’s all like “thanks but no thanks, bye.” 

Then Sam gives Jon a piece of obsidian aka dragonglass which is what he used to kill the white walker forever ago. Sam says “I hope you don’t need it” which basically means Jon will.

The scene then cuts to Sam, Gilly, Little Sam, and Maester Aemon Targaryen, still at Castle Black. Aemon is saying how “Aeg” aka his little brother Aegon used to laugh like Little Sam. Sam interprets who he’s talking about, and Aemon says he used to be jolly fellow before he was king. Basically I think this is alluding to the fact that anyone who sits on the iron throne is unhappy and ends up dying a pretty gruesome death. Here’s a Targaryen family tree in case you’ve forgotten how Aemon is related to Dany:

Aemon, who is known for his visions, tells Gilly to get Little Sam south before it’s too late. Guys, the white walkers are coming. I don’t really know how many ways they can spell it out.

Aemon then goes from telling stories to flat out believing he’s talking to his brother Aegon, His last words are: “I dreamed that I was old.” 

Sam gives him a beautiful eulogy (”he was the blood of the dragon, and now his fire’s gone out” - a reference to House Targaryen, since, to the world, Aemon and Dany are the last Targaryens) and he’s burned as is tradition in the Night’s Watch, because, his watch has ended. ~RIP AEMON~

Meanwhile.... at Winterfell:

Theon finds Sansa shivering in her bed where the window is open and SNOW IS BLOWING IN. She’s all bruised and battered because Ramsay keeps her locked in her room and essentially comes to rape her every night. She begs Theon for help and tells him that if he lights a candle in the tallest tower, someone will come to help her. He tries to convince her that he’s only Reek, but she reminds him that his name is Theon Greyjoy, heir to the Iron Islands. We see a glimpse of pre-tortured Theon for a second (who probably feels guilty about lying to her about killing Rickon and Bran) and he tries to take a candle up. There’s a moment of hope for Sansa, but in GoT fashion, as soon as Theon/Reek opens the door, we see Ramsay sitting at a table, obviously blocking this entire maneuver. Then they cut to Brienne, just outside the walls of Winterfell waiting for Sansa’s signal. Of course.

Ramsay lets Sansa out of her cell bedroom and tells her how Stannis is riding for Winterfell. He gives her some shit story about how “his” people are meant for winter so they can stand the cold unlike Stannis’ army. He essentially tries to remind Sansa that he is lord of Winterfell and she’s only wardeness by marriage. She tries to throw it back by saying that he was only legitimized by Tommen Baratheon, another bastard. If his stepmother has a baby boy, his position could be compromised. This battle of “wits” continues with Ramsay informing Sansa that her half-brother, Jon Snow, is now Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Which is kind of a double-edged blow because although he’s not as far away as she thought (or dead, because Valar Morghulis) she also can’t get to him. 

Ramsay then brings her to the old woman who said she would help Sansa when she was first brought to Winterfell. Ramsay flayed her (skinned her alive, because the House Bolton sigil is a flayed man on an X) and tells Sansa that the old woman died before he even got to her face. She’s now displayed just to creep Sansa out and put her in her place. Ramsay tells Sansa that he did it all because Reek ratted her out and said she wanted to leave. Then he sends Sansa back up to their room and tells her to save her candles because “the nights are so long now” which is basically a threat that he’s going to abuse her more and more as the nights get longer as winter arrives. Because why not add more shit to Sansa’s storyline.

Somewhere North of Winterfell but South of Castle Black, Stannis (and his army), Melisandre, Ser Davos, and of course, Shireen, are freezing. Everyone is dying, and they’re running out of food. However, Stannis says he refuses to back down because it’s really now or never now that winter is coming. Even though... it’s been coming since season 1, episode 1. Stannis’ reasoning is also that he retreated from the battle at King’s Landing (Battle of Blackwater, yeah, that one where Cersei was hiding inside and was totally going to poison her kids if it went south), that one battle where they used blackfyre. He can’t retreat again or no one will ever take him seriously or help him get the iron throne. (P.S. Winter is Coming is also House Stark’s motto.)

Melisandre reminds Stannis that they need to trust in the Lord of Light, and then creepily suggests that they need kingsblood in order to beat Roose Bolton just like they beat the other “usurpers” Joffrey Baratheon and Robb Stark. Now... the way they did that was to use Gendry’s (Robert Baratheon’s bastard) blood, and that was bizarrely sexual and no one really wanted to see that. (Also, who was the last person Melisandre suggested she “made light, life, and cast shadows” with? Think about it.... in order to do such magic, you need kingsblood...)  Anyway, Stannis is extra creeped out because she doesn’t want to use HIS blood, she wants to use Shireen’s, and he says “there has to be another way, leeches...” and she says there’s only one way, which really leads us to think Melisandre is going to do something extra creepy to (or kill) Shireen in order to beat Roose Bolton. We all know Queen Selyse would be totally down with this (”stop validating her existence” about Shireen to Davos) but Stannis saved his daughter from greyscale, so he’s kind of dad of the year. For now. (Sorry Ned.) So Stannis is like GTFO to Melisandre. (Go Stannis.)

So, back at Castle Black, two creepers are hitting on Gilly. Naturally. Sam steps in because he’s Sam, and gets the shit kicked out of him. Sam did kill a white walker, but he doesn’t fare too well against these two until Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, shows up. (Plot line hint that they’ve dropped since day one: What color is Jon’s direwolf? What color are they usually?)

After the fight, Gilly tries to put Sam back together again (Humpty Dumpty joke, because... they’re at the Wall. Ba-dum-ch!) and then, well... Sam and Gilly have probably the most bizarre sex scene to date on GoT. Thanks, HBO. But it was kind of cute... I guess? I’m lying. It was pretty weird. (Also, where is Little Sam during this scene? Just saying.) Guess Jon’s not the only crow to break his vows with a wildling...

Ser Jorah and Tyrion get sold to another slaver (this is kind of like in Gladiator, and Jorah is Russell Crowe while Tyrion is Djimon Hounsou) as a pair so that they can go fight in the pits and work their way up to fighting in front of Dany. The slaver pays them a coin each which are ~technically~ wages, so using them in the pits isn’t illegal. 

Cut to Dany and Daario in bed (kind of like a cinematic this is where Jorah is, this is where he wants to be... is he turning into Sansa?) talking about how she’s going to marry another guy, and Daario is kind of jealous. Dany explains it’s all political, and Daario basically tells her that her marriage isn’t going to change anything in Mereen, so it’s useless. (Is anyone else super grateful this isn’t the old Daario? Me too.) 

He basically proposes marriage and she’s like “I can’t, Queens can’t do what they want.” 

Daario suggests that on the day of the games, she gather all of the masters (the guys she already threatened using her dragons) and butcher them. She says she’s a Queen, not a butcher. Daario replies “All rulers are either butchers, or meat.” 

Slay, Daario. 

Olenna comes looking for Jonathan Pryce The High Sparrow so she can plead Margaery and Loras’ case. They have kind of an old people bonding moment + witty spar, but alas, the Queen of Thorns can’t free her grandchildren from Governor Swan’s clutches.

Tommen is pretty damn upset that his middle school crush wife is in jail and he can’t do anything about it. Cersei gives him a sob story saying she’ll help them but really she’s not going to do shit. Tommen threatens to start a war and kill everyone, and frankly, it’s the best idea I’ve ever heard of on this show. 

He says “I love her” and I have flashbacks to how I felt about Justin Timberlake back in the NSYNC days. 

Cersei has a brief moment as mother of the month (this is like the Stannis/Shireen convo a few episodes back) and we hate her a tad less because, despite her pure evil heart, she really does love her inbred children.

We have lots of parent talks these days. Jaime’s all like “It’s not safe, let’s go home” and Myrcella’s like “Nope I’m good here, I love Tristayne” and Jaime’s like LOL I just sailed across the world for you and PS I’m your dad.

Meanwhile, Bronn is recording his new album in prison. The Sand Snakes are in a cell across from him, and Tyene tells him he’s dying (after he says Dornish women are the most beautiful women in the world, but doesn’t include her) because her blade was tipped with poison. She then exposes herself (because HBO) and forces him to say she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen so she’ll give him the antidote. Mmmkay. It’s kind of like a twisted version of “mirror mirror on the wall...” 

Littlefinger chats with Olenna in his ruined brothel. He’s promising everyone crap and I’m not really sure who his loyalty is really to. Oh wait, I do. It’s to Littlefinger. He says he’s giving Olenna the same kind of gift he gave Cersei: a handsome young man. 

Basically this means that Littlefinger gave Cersei Olivar so she could use him against Loras and Margaery. Now, he’s giving Olenna Lancel so he can be used against Cersei. You’ll see in a second.

Meanwhile in Gladiator, Jorah’s looking really old. He really wants to get in front of Dany, so he’s basically planning on winning every single battle in the arena. Instead of saying “those of us who are about to die salute you” they just say “Valar Morghulis.” Pretty much the same damn thing. 

So, ironically, Dany is viewing this “lower pit” battle as her fiance explains the ruler traditionally does. So really, this is Jorah’s lucky day. Jorah is actually a really badass fighter. Remember that time he battled Lara Croft? (You go, Ian Glen(n Coco).) 

Jorah sees Dany out there so he runs out even though it’s not his turn. She wants to go because she doesn’t really feel like watching Gladiator/Pompeii today, so he catches her attention while wearing a mask and killing everyone.

Tyrion is stuck chained to a wall before some giant dude helps him out. It’s kinda Princess Bride-y.

Jorah wins and takes his helmet off, to which Dany says “get him out of my sight” which is really what everyone wants to hear when they’ve been banished by their crush, and then they travel around the world and get greyscale on the way back, you know?

Tyrion runs out and is like “I’m your gift! My name is Tyrion Lannister.” 

And well, Jaime Lannister killed her father, the Mad King, so Dany isn’t super thrilled. 

Cersei visits Margaery in prison (anyone having Anne Boleyn in The Tudors flashbacks?) and lies about saying they’re doing all they can for her and Loras. Then Cersei visits Jonathan Pryce and he tells her a story about how this room they’re in has sacred ground because the people who built it had clean faith and were not vain. He says the Tyrell’s finery will be stripped away by this trial, as it will be for everyone, high and low alike. 

He asks what they’ll find when they strip away Cersei’s finery, and says that a young man came to them who needed to strip away things that were weighing him down. We’re like... why is this important?

Oh, because this young man is Lancel Lannister. 

Aka, member of The Faith cult and ALSO someone who knows just what Cersei is capable of, including incest, WITH HIM, back in Season 1. Oh shit, Cersei. You’re about to get what’s coming to you. 

When they throw her in a cell (a la Margaery), she says “look at my face. It’s the last thing you’ll see before you die” and somehow, I believe her. Because well, she’s Lena Headey. Before she was Cersei Lannister, she was a Spartan Queen. 

To be continued...

(All screencaps from hbo.com)

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S5, E6: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Title: House Martell’s Motto

We find Arya still struggling to figure out how she can advance with the faceless men in the House of Black and White. Jaqen H’gar asks her who she is, and she responds with a story laced with some lies, just like the girl earlier in the episode told her. Arya is unable to understand why this is important until later on when a very ill girl and her father arrive looking for help. Arya, seeing that the girl does not have hope for recovery, tells her a false story about how she was ill and now serves the faceless men to thank them for healing her with the waters from the fountain. The girl drinks from it and dies, but is now at peace. Jaqen asks Arya who she is, and he states that she is not ready to become no one (she cannot let go of her past as a Stark, which is why Needle is still out in the rocks while the rest of her belongings are at the bottom of the sea) but she is ready to become someone else. He takes her to the Hall of Faces where she sees the many skinned faces of the dead that have been brought through, some of which were cleaned by her. These faces make up a library of sorts for the faceless men to use when they need a different identity. In order to get here, Arya had to learn how to lie, and also how to tell when someone else is lying. 

Tyrion is still with Jorah (technically as his captive) near Slaver’s Bay after their sail through Old Valyria (the ancestral homeland of House Targaryen) and their encounter with the Stone Men where Jorah was infected by their touch. Jorah still has no idea that his father, Jeor Mormont (997th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch) was killed back in Season 3, Episode 4. Jorah is obviously deeply shaken internally, but portrays none of this to Tyrion.  Jorah tells Tyrion the story from Season 1 about how Daenerys survived the fire that she lit on the funeral pyre to burn Drogo and the witch that cursed him, and in the process, hatched her three dragons. Tyrion says “The Targaryens are famously insane”, nodding to the very inbred Targaryen bloodline (it was common for siblings to marry) and the “mad” King Aerys II, Daenerys’ father. Viserys, her older brother, who was “crowned” by Drogo back in Season 1, was also clearly slightly mad, especially when it came to power and the treatment of his sister. (King Aerys II was killed in Robert Baratheon’s rebellion by Jaime Lannister, who earned his title as “Kingslayer” by turning against Aerys. Jaime was a Kingsguard, which meant that he gave up all of the rights to inherit property, much to the disdain of Tywin Lannister who then had to deal with the fact that Tyrion would be the heir to their ancestral homeland, Casterly Rock.) 

Tyrion brings up some logical points about Dany’s right to the throne, saying that she has not spent a day of her adult life in Westeros, and asking Jorah why she has the right to rule. Jorah replies that it’s because she is the heir, and Tyrion responds with another quip about the Mad King burning men for amusement and that that is not a good enough reason for her to have claim on the throne.

They spot a slave ship in the bay and are captured by the crew, who are headed for Volantis. Tyrion is able to barter for their lives through his quick wit, and ironically, Jorah and Tyrion are now sailing to Meereen (and Dany) as captives who will fight in the recently opened Fighting Pits.

Petyr Baelish (Littlefinger) is now back in King’s Landing after leaving Sansa at Winterfell with the Boltons. He discusses Loras Tyrell’s imprisonment and Cersei continues to hide behind “The Faith” instead of owning up to her own part in his demise.

Littlefinger informs her of Sansa’s arrival at Winterfell, which angers Cersei since she still believes that Sansa and Tyrion were behind Joffrey’s murder. He suggests that they let the Boltons and Stannis Baratheon battle it out at Winterfell, so that they can take it from whoever wins. He suggests that Kevan Lannister (Lancel’s father) or Jaime may be of service, but neither are available. He then suggests his own force, the Knights of the Vale from the Eyrie. Since he was married to Lysa Arryn, her son Robin, now head of House Arryn, (remember, his father, Jon Arryn, was killed at the start of Season 1. He was the King’s Hand, and Ned Stark was his replacement) is Littlefinger’s ward. Although Robin is technically in charge, he is controlled by Littlefinger in much the same way that Cersei controls Tommen. 

Littlefinger’s motives are unclear, but in this conversation it seems that he’s keen on killing anyone (including Sansa, despite his weird obsession with her) he has to for power. He’s also clearly lying to both Cersei and Roose Bolton.

Prince Trystane of House Martell (he is the son of King Doran of Dorne, the guy sitting up in the chair, who also Oberyn’s brother) and Princess Myrcella of House Baratheon/Lannister (daughter of Cersei and Jaime, publicly Robert) were arranged to be married by their parents back in Season 2, but have now fallen in love. Last season, Cersei made a quip to Oberyn about her daughter being a captive in Dorne, and he laughed and told her that Myrcella was laughing and playing in the fountains with his daughters. Clearly, Myrcella is more than fine at this point (she might not be soon since King Doran is asking his guard if he still knows how to use his axe, citing that a Lannister and a Martell together are dangerous, despite them being arranged PROBABLY BY KING DORAN, but whatever), but nobody believes this. Jaime and Bronn appear in stolen Martell uniforms to “rescue” Myrcella (earlier Jaime said it had to be him to rescue her, and Bronn knows that it’s because he is her father, although no one publicly speaks about it) but they find her kissing Tristayne in the garden. 

Bronn and Jaime try to draw Myrcella away from Tristayne, but he notices the blood on their clothes and instead tries to challenge them. While they are trying to kidnap Myrcella, the Sand Snakes (Oberyn’s three daughters) appear, acting on Ellaria Sand’s orders. They fight, but soon Martell soldiers appear and capture the Sand Snakes and Bronn and Jaime. 

Lady Olenna Tyrell (Margaery and Loras’ grandmother) shows up in King’s Landing to try to battle Cersei to free Loras from his imprisonment. Olenna tries to threaten that House Tyrell will stop supplying King’s Landing with their golden wheat, but Cersei remains behind the veil that she was not the one to imprison Loras. She explains that Loras will have a simple hearing to see to the validity of the claims of his actions, not a trial. This scene mirrors one a few seasons back when Tywin Lannister was the King’s Hand and Tyrion came to talk to him about his inheritance. Tywin ignored him while he continued to write. Like Tyrion, Olenna concedes for now.

At the inquest, Loras and Margaery claim that the charges are completely false. Loras renounces Renly’s claim to the throne, even after he wore Renly’s armor in tribute at the Battle of Blackwater. He also said he was forgiven by Joffrey. Everything seems peachy, (but of course it’s not) so they then bring in Olyvar, Loras’ former lover, as a witness. He claims he was with Loras, and it was witnessed by Queen Margaery (who interrupted them because she was hungry).

The two siblings are then imprisoned pending a trial because Jonathan Pryce wants to fuck shit up, and so does Cersei. Tommen doesn’t really do anything about it, but tbh, did we really expect he would? He’s playing this game with monopoly money, at best.

Myranda, Ramsay’s creepy, equally sadistic lover, comes to give Sansa a bath before her wedding. She talks about Ramsay’s weird former conquests. Remember a while back when Ramsay and Myranda were hunting someone with dogs? That’s what she’s threatening Sansa with... kind of. That, and some really sadistic crap. Power line: “I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home, and you can’t frighten me.” 

Theon comes to escort her to the wedding, but she refuses to take his arm. At this point, everyone believes he killed Bran and Rickon, although the burned bodies that were shown to the crowd at Winterfell were not those of the Stark children. Theon can’t tell Sansa or anyone, as everyone believes that Sansa is the last living Stark. Remember, Jon Snow is up at Castle Black. Stannis offered to legitimize him and make him Jon Stark (essentially giving him the North as Ramsay was when he was legitimized, but Jon’s claim would be CLEARLY more legitimate due to the fact that he’s Ned Stark’s son) but Jon refused since he’s Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, and he takes his vows very seriously, except for the fact that he totally broke them with Ygritte, but whatever. As far as anyone knows, Sansa is the only Stark left, and unmarried to Ramsay, she’s a threat to the Boltons.

It’s imperative that the Boltons marry Sansa to Ramsay in order to legitimize their claim on the North. Many in the North are still loyal to the Starks, and they view the Boltons as usurpers. Sansa Stark is the true heir to Winterfell, although in the wedding they make a point to say that it is Ramsay, essentially passive-aggressively degrading Sansa. The Boltons have heard that Stannis Baratheon is on his way down from Castle Black with an army, (if Stannis falls, he has given Ser Davos instruction that Shireen Baratheon, his daughter, should be put on the throne in his stead) and they need to legitimize their claim on Winterfell and the North before this confrontation. If they do not, Sansa Stark could be named, essentially, Queen (or at least Ward) in the North (as Robb Stark was King in the North for a time, as she is now heir to Winterfell) by Stannis if he wins the battle. They do not want this, so they need to establish their rule in the North now rather than later just in case so that even if things don’t go well, it will weaken whatever hold Stannis manages to get there. They’re married in front of the old Godswood tree (remember back to Season 1, when it holds great importance to the Starks, and they come to pray to the old gods) and Ramsay breaks his promise to Littlefinger that he would never hurt Sansa. 

In the books, it was Jeyne Poole, one of Sansa’s childhood friends who is forced to marry Ramsay under the pretense that she is forcibly impersonating Arya Stark for similar reasons to establish legitimate rule for the Boltons.  (all screencaps from hbo.com)