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Tweets

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lardo to shitty:

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Some Reporter: “So we’ve finally found a difference between Bad Bob and Jack Zimmermann, eh? Ol’ Bad Bob wasn’t running around kissing boys during his pro hockey days.”

Bad Bob: *appears with a mic*

Bad Bob: “Actually, we’re still very similar in that regard. I’ve been bisexual the whole time and you all just ignored it.”

Bad Bob: *being approached by security to be removed*

Bad Bob: “and another thing! Jack is a better player that I was at this stage in my career and he’s the one battling and living with mental illness!!”

Bad Bob: *running away from security*

Bad Bob: “Put that in your backwards thinking pipe and smoke it!!!”

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Nursey/Dex first date?

It’s not a date.

It’s a “defensive pair bonding session” that was strongly suggested by their co-captains.

Dex didn’t dress up for it, because it’s not a date. Hisjeans were just dirty, so he pulled on a pair of khakis, and a t-shirt looksweird with khakis, so he pulled on a sweater. He didn’t go to Nursey’s dormroom to pick him up, because it’s not a date. Nursey’s just hopeless withdirections, and it made no sense to meet at the restaurant (and for Dex toinevitably beat him there and wait awkwardly until Nursey finally found hisway) when Nursey’s dorm is right next to Dex’s. He’s not nervous when he knockson the door, because it’s not a date. His heart is beating fast because he’sabout to see Nursey, and his body’s anticipating a fight.

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hey quick question where is the single dad!nursey au that follows Gilmore Girls complete with chowder as his partner in crime/chef and of course Grumpy Diner Owner Dex??

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as a black person who does something that’s a mostly white sport (ballet), i really feel all nursey is not really chill because of his experiences as a black man in a white industry headcanons in my soul.

dude the things you don’t say when you’re the only black person in a room. looking around and realizing you’re the only black person in a room. it’s like so shocking and weird, especially if you’re coming for a house filled with poc, like i imagine nursey is.

idk where i was going with this but derek nurse is angry. he’s mad he spent so much time trying to assimilate when he was younger, he’s mad his grandma got his little sister bleaching soap for her 12th birthday, he’s mad he has “"good hair”“ and people think it’s okay to tell him that he’s ”“not like the rest of them.”“ he’s mad about the things their opponents grit out that he can never report, he’s mad about the looks him and ransom have to share across the table sometimes. he’s mad about people saying “i didn’t even know black people could play hockey!” he’s mad that he’s been in love in with poetry since he was eight but poets who look like him are taught as electives instead of core classes like they aren’t all that got him through high school. he’s just . mad . he’s angry and 90% of the time he wants to scream his fucking head off but he already fought back once. when he was at andover.

“they’re all the same, you know.” an administrator says under her breath after they pull derek off. his knuckles are throbbing and the words set like concrete.

when he was punching, he felt like he would never stop. like he would keep going and going until the entire world apologized for how fast he had to grow up just to survive. (his mothers look at him like he is so lucky to be alive. they look like the pictures of mary before jesus was crucified, to derek. he realizes this version of the myth will end with him on a cross.)

at least, he thinks, when he is laying in leaves and reading poetry, his hands are his own sometimes. at least, he thinks, watching dex peel off his Samwell Republican sticker, there are moments when the anger leaves.

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Are you still doing cuddling prompts? I’d love to see some Zimbits just waking up ❣️❣️

prompts | send one  – this one is a throwback to this old prompt fill.

Jack woke up warm, a solid body pressed up against his chest. Stretching a leg, he rubbed his thumb over the curve of the hip beneath his hand. It was funny; he didn’t think he’d slept so well in quite some time.

Come to think of it, he didn’t really recall going to bed. He’d just been watching a movie with Bittle, chatting about history and, honestly, trying to make him laugh so his smile lines would show, and – oh. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

They were in a hotel. On a field trip. A field trip that Jack Zimmermann, history teacher, had only agreed to chaperone because of a certain coach’s wide brown eyes. It was hard to refuse Coach Bittle.

Except now he’d stayed the night in Bittle’s room, and that was Bittle’s hip under his hand. Ah, god. Their students would have a field day.

He must’ve fallen asleep while watching television. Clearing his throat, Jack attempted to pull his other arm out from underneath Bittle’s torso. His fingers were tingling, arm protesting the lack of blood flow. Bittle scrunched his nose and Jack stopped moving, breath caught in his throat. He was so close. Jack could smell the pomade in his hair – sweet, like fruit.

“‘Mornin’,” Bittle murmured, running his fingers down Jack’s side.

Jack froze, cheeks heating, acutely aware of his morning… situation. “Good morning,” he said. God. Damnit. He should – he should definitely just apologize, get out of there, and try not to look too guilty in the hallway. Nothing happened. He had no reason to feel weird. Jack cleared his throat. “I, uh. I’m sorry about this, I must’ve fallen asleep while watching television.”

“Oh,” said Bittle, voice soft and rough with sleep. “But I was hopin’ you’d stay.”

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is it even a nurseydex fic if they don’t mention that it was a struggle for two 6-foot plus hockey players to fit on the bed

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i firmly believe jack zimmermann is actually a brilliant wingman

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Welcome Home

If Jack could have planned it, maybe, he would have liked to have arrived at the Haus before everyone else, just to enjoy the quiet for a minute and watch the rowdiness increase note by note as each new teammate came through the door.

But this is okay too.

His Uber pulls up and he is greeted by a crowd of people, all standing around on the front lawn, a few folks laying around a couple of those plastic kiddie pools filled with water ballons.  He can smell a grill going, probably in the back of the house, burning hot dogs. Holster and Ransom took their responsibility seriously when they inherited their dibs.  They did not hold back on the annual pre-season Kegster.  

He hoists his duffle bag up and over his shoulder and pushes through an assortment of people, all in swimwear and cover-ups.  He scans the crowd and finds Ransom loudly greeting people from the porch while a few of the newest frogs are milling around in the tentative way that freshmen tend to do. Jack’s gaze momentarily snags on a guy bending over to grab a drink from a cooler.  Whoever he is, summer has been good to him - his tan is golden all the way up his legs in really short swim trunks.  Jack glances down at his rolled up sleeves and pale arms and promises to get a little sun at least to make up for a summer indoors at training camp.

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today at breakfast my roommate and jack informed me that they’re throwing me a Britney Spears themed birthday party and that i need to get a costume together bc everyone’s coming dressed as a different britney Look™ and i very nearly cried into my oatmeal

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better in picture

She walks into the locker room after practice and honestly picks the first person she sees - she’s lucky it’s Wicks, who won’t be completely terrible at this. “Hey, Wicks, you’re on Player Cam duty this weekend. Make me proud.”

Wicks catches the camera Ford throws at him and fist-bumps Ollie, shooting her a quick smile before he turns away to stow the camera in his bag.

Player Cam had been her idea - something she saw from some NHL or juniors team when she was furiously researching how hockey players live. The Higher Ups had loved it, a good way to increase positive publicity and something fun for the fans and boosters. Originally, though, she intended for just one trustworthy player to man the cam - and that one trustworthy player is coming her way now, very clearly confused and maybe a little upset.

“I thought I was the Player Cam guy?” Nursey asks.

“Uh, yeah, about that…” she starts, but after a quick glance around the locker room she decides there are too many gossiping hockey players within earshot. “It’s nothing bad, I promise, but we’ll talk about it later, okay? Come to my room after the game.”

Nursey looks suspicious but placated, and when he turns around Chowder effectively distracts him by spraying him with a water bottle. She’s not thrilled about the idea of another water war in the locker room, but it’s better than having to explain to Nursey why he can’t man the Player Cam anymore.

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Hey!! Where’s my Tonight Show with Adam Birkholtz AU???? 

So Holster gets his start on SNL and immediately becomes the Musical Impression guy. The running gag is that he impersonates people he looks nothing like but somehow everyone knows EXACTLY who he is

it’s eerie, almost, and people assume that someone else is doing the impersonation and they just dub his voice in so one night for the cold open he has to run through every impersonation he’s done on the show just to prove he can do it

think of him kind of like jimmy fallon mixed with andy samberg because YOU GUESSED IT he does lonely island-esque shorts

Then, one fateful week, Justin Oluransi, grammy award winner and overall beautiful man, performs his newest single (THATS RIGHT, HE’S A NON APPROPRIATIVE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE)

He was 100000% in a pop boyband with Jack, Kent, and Tater when they were teenagers

they all went solo after ~drama~ occurred and jack’s got a singer/songwriter/aka Hozier vibe, kent is pure pop, ransom has a pop/r&b vibe. tater runs the label they’re all signed to.

Musical guests will sometimes do a sketch so Ransom and Holster do a Blues Brothers homage

ransom is belushi (complete with cartwheel)

holster is aykroyd (complete with dancing)

the big difference is that it’s a really top notch musical performance because they’re both great singers so holster does more than just say “soul man” in the background and ransom breaks out some choreo from his boyband days

all in all it’s a huge hit because lbr it would be hilarious

When Ransom releases his next album he comes back to host and that’s when things really pick up

he does sketches with other cast members but it’s clear that he and holster have this incredible chemistry

they sing Dick in a Box and the world is forever changed

Ransom just kind of keeps showing up a la Justin Timberlake? Like he appears throughout the seasons to continue the Motherlover/3-Way: The Golden Rule (with Lardo as lady gaga) trilogy and is consistently in sketches with Holster 

Meanwhile, it’s super fucking obvious that Ransom and Holster are friends outside of this. They’re always on each other’s instagrams, TMZ spots them together, they sing Dick in a Box at one of Ransom’s shows 

Then Holster leaves SNL to host The Tonight Show and SURPRISE, Ransom is his first guest 

sidenote!! Holster does the celebrity games with his guests and music is HUGE so you bet your ass wheel of musical impressions is utilized 

he does an AMAZING Ransom impression that only a few people have seen but most people have heard about and it’s the stuff of mysteries 

Jack even agrees to come on the show because Ransom is there and they have a little reunion performance of their boiband hitz

then, in the interview with holster jack actually talks about anxiety and how it’s affected his life and it’s an interesting shift because it’s a serious interview in the midst of this fun quirky show 

again, Ransom and Holster are still plastered all over each others social media and do Bro Biking 

When Holster hosts the Golden Globes this happens pretty much verbatim

Then, one week, Ransom’s on the show even when he doesn’t have an album coming out. everyone’s interest is piqued because there’s no actual reason for ransom to be there so they assume they’re going to do a funny sketch or something just to fill time. then ransom comes out and he sits down for an actual interview.

H: so what did you do this weekend? 

R: oh, I got married. 

The crowd: ……………….???

H: holy hell! congrats!!

R: thanks, I’m really happy, I know I hadn’t formally announced that I was even dating anyone, but I’ve been in a relationship for years and I’ve wanted to marry them pretty much since the day we met 

H: you know, this is pretty crazy. I also got married this weekend. 

The crowd: ?!!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

R: what??? Wow!!! 

H: do you want to see a wedding picture 

R: definitely

then a picture of them under the huppah appears 

SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS, THEY’VE BEEN IN LOVE THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME 

after that they don’t perform Motherlover in public anymore because it’s kind of weird but you bet your ASS they do Dick in a Box and The Golden Rule every chance they get

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One day Jack and Bitty are having a … well, it’s not an argument. Let’s call it a slightly-more-spirited-than-usually debate about Bitty’s enthusiasm (NOT obsession, thank you) for pop culture. Jack’s maybe called it “shallow “ a few too many times, and Bitty finally snaps, “I don’t know what you’re so high and mighty about, Jack Zimmermann. History’s just really outdated pop culture!”

Jack has literally no comeback for this.

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10 and 11 for the kiss meme

10: staring at the other’s lips, trying not to kiss them, beforegiving in

11: when one stops the kiss to whisper “I’msorry, are you sure you-” and they answer by kissing them more

so, this is almost unspeakably angsty… so I apologize in advance… <3

They’re not on a break.

They’re just… they’re taking time.

Because Will’s always been too practical (andgod, Derek remembers the first time it came up - how Will had reasoned againstthe practicality of ‘breaks’ - how he’s always been so black and white), andbecause Derek’s terrified to lose him.

So, yeah.

They’re not on a break, and they’re not brokenup. They’re just in relationship purgatory, all because Bitty had to stick hisnose into their relationship. And, like. Look, he loves Bitty. He’s agreat fucking dude, but the problem is that Will has always looked up to him,even when Will didn’t understand him. So Bitty pulling him aside to point outall the apparent flaws in their relationship - the fighting, the secrecy, thedifferent interests… it apparently carried enough weight to have Will questioneverything.

And, yeah.

Derek gets it. He does. Shit, he didn’tthink they’d work out in the beginning either. But he’s never been good aboutleaving well enough alone, and he’s never been able to stay away from Will -even when he hated him.

Something about Will has always made somethingin Derek want to poke at him.

And… yeah, he can kind of understand Bitty’sconcern. Or, he would, if he and Will hadn’t been putting work into beingtogether… because the thing of it is, they work. They still chirp each other tohigh heaven, and they don’t always agree, but they talk. They talk abouteverything, and it’s not always easy, but it’s not hard. It’s never hard to bewith Will.

Or, it wasn’t, until now.

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Adam’s first stick!

“I was thinking a character of your choice as a baby. Honestly, I don’t have very good suggestions, I’m just looking forward to seeing everyone elses!” - Virginia

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Parse gets a nasty check and needs some dental work. Meanwhile, Chowder finally gets his braces off. Then it’s the freakiest of Fridays?

Joe Thornton: I punched Parson in the face and he said thank you?? 

☆ @ngoziu​ on Twitter