khrisjavier - Tumblr blog

[khrisjavier]

People make me sick.

Not an honest bit in the bunch.

It’s revolting to fall folly to masquerades.

[khrisjavier]

Writing for me is like breathing, sometimes I forget i’m doing it, it’s an automatic part of life, but when I try to control it, I feel the anxiety set in.

It has been a while since i’ve set pen to paper, so I am breathing heavily now. What words are worth sharing? Worth saving? Worth contemplating? How about “sure thing” since its the last words sent to me by someone i’m not sure how to respond to. It was a sure thing that I would hold on to the patchouli scented memories. Sure thing I would try to bend time to be continually satiated by the waterfall of experiences that spill from her lips. It was a sure thing I would keep up a wall not to be swallowed by my own emotions. It was a sure thing I would go head first into the first person that gave me attention and sparked my interest. Now it’s a sure thing that I don’t know what to do.

[khrisjavier]

My soul is hungry and is tired of processed people.

[khrisjavier]

11/20/2019

Someone asked me if it is exhausting trying to find someone compatible to me, and I told them I’m looking for a complement. Someone that is fundamentally a separate person from me but when with me challenges and pushes me to grow, evolve. 

It’s impossible to find a perfect fitting puzzle piece that makes you whole, but I firmly believe there is someone that will be the fries to my fucked up cheeseburger. 

[khrisjavier]

11/10/19

Who do you pity more? The person born without sight or the one who saw the beauty of the world and lost their ability to see?

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but i’d rather have lived without the pleasure and spared myself of all the pain.

[khrisjavier]

09/08/2019

Let me have you in this morning haze Press my lips against your skin Touch that soft marble that gives way when you wake That is how our days should begin.  

[khrisjavier]

I harbor such deep and utter sadness and wanting to runaway that I can’t feel anything when I see you right now.

[khrisjavier]

romance is an American-made dish, the recipe is hard to read, and the ingredients are impossible to find.

[khrisjavier]

5/23/2019

I’m tired of people fucking me, i’d rather just fuck myself to be honest. I’ve fucked enough in my life. Fucking is so... dispassionate... satisfying in the moment but forgettable when you’re truly feeling lonely. 

I miss it, I miss connecting, feeling myself bringing another body closer to mine. Though fucking seems great in the first thirty minutes in conversation, then immediately nerve wrecking when it comes time to jump. Which is weird, because I was used to the game, I was great at the game, now I don’t even want to play. 

I want to be serious, I want serious connection. I want to grab someone by their waist and never let go. I want to have legs around me pulling me in by my waist. I want to hear heavy breathing fall on my neck instead of materialistic moaning being screamed into the air. I want my hands to read their body gently like a musician on a piano, or to toss each other around like children in the grass. 

Of course fucking is tempting, once you get a taste of real sex. Fucking goes out the window. 

Spring morning sex with the sun shining through the trees and Santana on the record player. Spreading long legs to long songs and leaving sweet sweat on the bed before getting ready for work. 

Summer night sex on the beach in the dark, listening to the waves hit the shore while the cool wind and salty mist hits your bodies. 

Fall sex in the afternoon after a long day, when nothing else will remedy the world but sex and sleep. 

Winter sex to stay warm when the blankets just aren’t enough. 

How can you want anything else? 

[khrisjavier]

5/20/2019

I’m not going to message you first. So we may never speak again. 

[khrisjavier]

5/14/19

Life has always had a funny way of bringing my past into the present. I hope it teaches me to appreciate the steps that brought me here and reveal a better path ahead, instead of causing me to dwell on my prior shortcomings. 

[khrisjavier]

5/7/19

Nothing will reset your mind more than staying alone in a hotel for a night. You become so aware of yourself that you either figure out a plan to make yourself a better person or contemplate how sturdy is the bar in the closet. 

[khrisjavier]

In life you need release, you can’t avoid it.

The worst part is with every passing year comes more pressure and that release needs to be bigger.

Sleep, drink, smoke, all start to pale in the face of that pressure.

[khrisjavier]

Sometimes the anxiety over mortality and depression over all in reality makes living a pretty big bummer.

[khrisjavier]

Speaking to you is like breathing but sometimes it is hard to breathe.

My lungs can take in fresh air and harsh smoke, but they can’t handle an empty vacuum.

They can’t handle knowing breathing brings you no closer. 

So why waste the breath I have left.

[khrisjavier]

Needle to record, back to bed hand in hand, sand dunes instead  leave the party to make our own  Airport parking lot or in the home Behind the bushes or by the trees In the staircase listening to the leaves All the places I can’t forgive For holding the memories of how I used to live

[khrisjavier]

It’s true, they call it falling in love because the sensation you feel is that of falling from a great height suddenly, but what do you call it when your heart falls and continues to fall every time you see that person’s face? Is that simply love?