killerbarb1e

[killerbarb1e]

[killerbarb1e]

I saw you in town today. I opened my mouth to call out to you but then I thought better of it and didn’t. It hurt knowing I couldn’t, I felt pain in my stomach and choking in the back of my throat. I didn’t say anything because I remember you said it hurts to see me. I don’t want to cause you pain, so I will become invisible.

[killerbarb1e]

I wish I could rewind time and go back to the day you first told me your name.

[killerbarb1e]

Life can be your own kind of fairytale

[killerbarb1e]

I can’t continue to be with someone who already has made up their mind that, in due course, they aren’t going to love me.

[killerbarb1e]

A Voice In This World

Something from an afternoon free-write.

You told me that you do not have a voice in this world—and to that, I disagreed. I told you that you've definitely got one, but the problem, is that you simply cannot figure out how to harmonize with life's orchestra.

In this world, we all possess a different orchestra. The lineup of every individual's instruments are sparsely the same—and never do two individuals play them the exact same, either. Although—some do take pride in mimicking someone else's song.

You have a voice—but it is important to learn to write your own songs. You cannot spend your days humming someone else's tune, all while expecting to be in perfect harmony with yourself. 

It's never about finding your voice—it's about tuning it.

[killerbarb1e]

Today was the first day I met up with him without feeling my mouth stretch into a grin. Without that sense of joy and light that usually floods my skin when I see him. Maybe this means I’ll finally be able to move on. To love him in a different form. To form our romance into friendship.

[killerbarb1e]

I’m stuck on which saying to believe. “Right person wrong time” or “if it was the right person, there wouldn’t be a wrong time.”

Bk

[killerbarb1e]

That Smile

That smile, the one that perks whenever I see him.

The one that I can’t control, can’t push away because the feeling of joy and excitement is so prominent.

It’s an automatic reaction to him.

One that I thought only happened because of him.

But I feel that smile right now and it isn’t because of him.

I feel my cheeks tingling and my lips curving up again, and he’s not here.

Am I excited to see someone else?

Excited for something else?

Perhaps this smile isn’t tied to him like I thought it was.

Bk

[killerbarb1e]

“Forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.”

— Unknown

[killerbarb1e]

Fate’s Strings

She can feel him drifting away, and no matter how much she tries to grasp and pull at the string that once held them tightly together, it seems to only slip through her fingers. The small thread cuts her as she attempts to clench onto it tighter. Instead, leaving behind a mark of red. A stain of the unintended hurt she brought upon herself.

She should let go, but she hasn’t allowed herself to yet, still clenching her wounded, dripping hands onto the string. A self inflicted dagger pressing into the arteries of her heart. Her eyes prick. She wonders if he ever loved her the way she loved him. -She loves him. Too much. Not enough.

She feels her mind tearing apart with indecisiveness, should she end things early? Or should she wait until they have to? They are inseparable when they’re together but when they’re apart, so much space looms between them that even a phone call can’t fill. She releases her raw bloodied hands from the string, and let’s it pull her away.

He has to go, and she knows it. He’s told her. But that doesn’t dim the love he has for her. He loves her so much he’s filled with a euphoric feeling, wanting to cradle and take care of her forever. She calms him, makes his soul smile, his heart melts with the warmth of each note, baking and gift she gives him. But it also aches with a physical burning in his chest, a tightening in the back of his throat.

He is inflicted with a contrast of excitement and discomfort. Although the excitement of starting a new chapter of his life out ways the discomfort of leaving her behind, it’s still there. When he sees her, sees her smile and eyes that light up like a Disney character’s, he feels it. Feels the hurt of having to leave her behind. It’s easier when he doesn’t see her.

When they’re apart he feels like they’ve already split. He mourns her touch, her smell, and is reminded of her when he catches himself rolling those phrases, the ones of hers, off his tongue. The texts they converse back and forth daily, have slowed as he’s begun to pack his days with activities. He still texts her and calls her to mutter a quick goodnight, but not seeing her face makes it easier to be distant.

The slowly increasing space between them should make things easier. But why is there still a physical burning in his chest? A tightening in the back of his throat? He sees her too, drifting away. The tugs of attention and love she gave him has faded. I guess they both finally gave in, allowing fates string pull them apart.

Bk

[killerbarb1e]

[killerbarb1e]

You clasped warm hands around ice. Rivulets of rain, staining my window with the breath of you. Not stained, depurated. Reminded. Memory. A lingering imprint of the effect you had.