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[kimlisby]

Why We Left the Church

I grew up in church. It was very evangelical focused, always bringing in new people and doing alter calls. But the numbers never grew, as there were always as many people leaving as there were coming in. The leaders at the church always painted it a certain way; like some people can just never be happy, always looking for something that isn’t here, easily offended when called out for their lifestyles. When I asked my mom one time why people were leaving, she said that every one had a shelf life there. At some point, everyone would leave, even us, in time, it was just different for everyone. As an adult, I can see how the pastor was relentless in his pursuit of new, but wasn’t great at taking care of those who were there, serving. There were very strict rules of conduct to lead and if you disagreed, it was his way or the highway.

I also grew up attending Christian schools. We learned about different church doctrine, history, memorizing scripture and even using it as facts in research papers. When we were newly married, early twenties, we joined a church plant. It had a lot of other young couples, mostly seminary students, we easily connected with. In a lot of ways, it gave us community and like minded friends, some of which we are still friends with today. We quickly got plugged in small groups and volunteering. Jake played guitar in the worship band 3 out of 4 Sundays a week. I became the volunteer communications and events director, in charge of the website, weekly bulletins, volunteer sign ups and events. We easily volunteering 10+ hours per week with our church, happily, for awhile at least. When a new idea of keeping church members accountable to tithing 10% by asking them to share their income amounts to the church was suggested, Jake adamantly opposed it in a meeting, causing the pastor to ask him to lunch the next day. At that meeting the pastor told him to never question him in public again or we would be asked to leave the church. Shortly after, we left on our own.

After leaving that church, I prayed daily for many years that that specific church was doing more good than harm. I was worried about the people who were still there and how they were being impacted. At the time, I thought it was just that unhealthy church. I hadn’t begun to unpack the environment of the church I grew up in. Instead, I kept it neatly tucked away in my brain and heart, in a nice little package.

Next we joined a mega church. It felt like the first healthy church we had ever attended. I felt so lucky, for many years, that we found the church we could raise our future children in and feel good about. Several years in, I ended up on staff again, as the communications director, but this time as a job, not as a volunteer. There were so many questions I had about the way things were set up or programs we were building that I never got clear answers for. Looking back, there were so many red flags I ignored. I told myself there must be something I’m not understanding that others do, with a blind trust my best interest and God’s will were the driving force for these decisions. I didn’t realize what a dangerous place that was to be. Not that church, that mentality.

Even after stepping down from being on staff when I had my our first daughter, I told the pastor that being behind the scenes reassured me even more how happy I was to attend church there. I put a lot of faith into that place, as many of us do. I had reconciled the fact that there is no perfect church, but felt maybe ours was pretty close. When I would hear of church scandals I would reassure myself, that my church was healthy, and it wouldn’t happen there. Until it did.

After leaving that church amidst a surprising scandal, we hadn’t really landed on a new church home yet. We were attending different places, but reluctant to get plugged in like we had been in the past. During the Covid lockdown we stopped attending church for the safety of our young children and the more time that went by, the less important it felt to go back to weekly attendance. The draw to church and the guilt for missing started to diminish. We started to revel in our slow Sunday mornings as a family, without the rushing, and dressing up and showing our Sunday best. We were no longer volunteering in the capacities that we had in the past and it was refreshing to not have that responsibility. We were able to finally admit we were burnt out. We even started to wonder if our slow Sundays as a family, enjoying quality time, might even being serving God more than the hustle and bustle of what we were used to. I started to finally understand the song, Easy Like a Sunday Morning. I never understood it before, because Sundays volunteering and getting small kids to church on time never felt easy!

When we were engrossed in church culture, I wasn’t able to see my signs of burn out or the guilt and shame that stemmed from it. I was so deeply devote I would never question if those feelings were good, bad or healthy. And there lies the problem. There were times I felt and was even told, that I couldn’t stop serving because if I did, who else would do it? I had been told that my job, as a volunteer, was to fulfill that role whether I wanted to or not. If I couldn’t do it, I had to find a replacement and if I couldn’t, tough, the job had to be done. Whether it brought me joy or dread didn’t matter. I felt trapped in the way that I truly did have a choice to leave, but felt I couldn’t. There have been a handful of my friends from church who all left around the same time, for similar reasons and haven’t returned. As I have been removed from church, I have been able to unpack some of the unhealthy belief systems taught to me at each one. I’ve allowed myself to see with fresh eyes the shame I’ve carried, the pressure to be a certain way and give of our time and resources. I’ve begun to not only unpack it, but label it as church hurt, something I thought I was untouched from. I’ve been able to see the ways the belief systems shaped me and how many of them didn’t serve me well. And throughout that process I realized, it wasn’t just that one church doing more harm than good, but maybe every church.

Now I know what some of you are thinking, that this is a blog written by a jaded Christian, with church hurt, a former church staffer who’s angry and broken. That maybe I am unwilling to forgive from a situation in the past, that was unique to that one church. In the past, I would have thought the same thing. That is actually far from the truth. Not only have I been able to acknowledge the unhelpful truths I clung to in the past, false truths, shame and guilt, but I have also been able to find healing and peace. Call me an optimist, but I still have hope for the church. I still see good in the church. I see how it can bring people community, purpose, and hope. It did for me for many years. I see how it can serve those inside the church and the needs of the community around it. But I also see how it can bring people shame, judgement and pain, not just for those who attend the church, but outside of it as well.

I struggle with the idea that the place that is supposed to feel safest to all, can be the very place we feel most judged. That the place where we are told to come as you are, isn’t actually very open to us doing that at all. Most don’t want us to come with our questions or doubts. That maybe they feel threatened by them, or worse, it will hurt their bottom line, the amount of money coming in. I struggle with my truth that when we were hurting most, struggling in figuring out how to be young and married, we told no one we were in weekly small group with, so no one judged us. We felt if we told our truth, they would no longer accept us. I ache for my LGBTQ friends who have a heart to serve God, who show up and learn later that the church views their sexual identity as wrong; proving that if we show our real self, we will be rejected. I wrestle with politics and Christian nationalism being preached from the pulpit, male dominated leadership, and fear based rhetoric in so many churches. I struggle with the fact that for years I was taught about the Bible primarily through a male lens. That my formative years in youth group, I was taught weekly about the dangers of sex, my duty to serve my future husband and the way to modestly cover my body to not tempt anyone, from a middle aged man forming the way I viewed my body, sex and sexuality as a whole. It has taken me years to learn how to unpack and heal from that. And at every church we ever attended we were asked to give 10% of income, even when we struggled to pay our own bills, and that we were called to give above and beyond our normal 10% to giving campaigns and special projects that were going on at all times.

You may be reading this and agreeing with every paragraph. Or you may be reading this and think you need to pray for my faith. I want to make one thing abundantly clear, you do not. My faith in God has actually not wavered. I actually feel a deeper sense of spirituality now stripping myself from the rules and regulations passed down to me from church. I don’t want you to invite me to your church, because I do not want to go. And I do say that with love. I am happy you feel connected and at peace where you are attending, I truly am. I am as well. And I urge you, in the energy you feel necessary to pray for me, instead pray for the health of the overall church; not to accomplish more for the kingdom, but to better serve its people in health and truth.

After being removed for a few years now, I see how easily we allow the personal doctrine of our pastors dictate our lives. It is easier to follow sometimes than to figure it out on our own. Believe me, I would have happily attended church the rest of life, continuing to ignore the red flags, pushing down the questions even when it didn’t sit well with me. I say that sincerely, I would have happily done it. It would have been easier to never pull the thread. It has left me feeling naked at times. What do I do with my time and energy if not in church? How do I go from such certainty in what I believe, to feeling so uncertain and unclear? Where do I begin unpacking what is true and helpful and what is not?

Until we can accept the flaws that come along with church, can we take steps to fix the system and heal from it. Too often manipulation, silencing of victims, sexual misconduct, cover ups, false truths for personal or financial gain, and abuse are also part of church culture. Not that unhealthy church over there, every church. When we are able to acknowledge its flaws, not defend them, only then can we rebuild them. Again and again and again.

For those of you that it has been difficult to read my words, I want to encourage you to look at the systems in your church and question them. The very thing you are groomed not to do. When things don’t sit well with you, don’t ignore it, wrestle with it. Don’t continue to blindly believe that your church is different. That your church is doing everything right or the people in charge have 100% pure intentions. That may make me sound like a cynic, but if you look at the data, more often than not, they do not. There is a bottom line in church they have to meet to pay the bills, and the line of winning souls for God and extra dollars to fund the programs is easily blurred.

If you are leading in church, it is your job to serve your people, not the bottom line. If people are burnt out serving, let me them stop. If people are hurting, encourage them to seek help outside of the church. Don’t be so ruled by looking the part of the perfect pastor that it shows the people in the church to do the same; that serves no one. Be a beautiful mess, a working progress, still figuring out the answers, you don’t have to know them all, how could you. Know the power and authority you carry in peoples lives and feel the weight of it, good or bad. Be slow to share absolutes.

There is nothing more true to me than the fact that as I get older, the less certain I feel about most things. And I think that is okay. The undoing, the unlearning and the unraveling can feel messy, uncertain and uneasy, but it is necessary to walk in true emotional health. For those like me, wrestling through what you believe and why, don’t let the uneasiness of it stop you. Press into it and you may be surprised by the peace that comes on the other side. True peace. And, I will continue to pray that the church, as a whole, is doing more good than harm.

[kimlisby]

A little over a year ago in Mexico..

As I reflect on one year ago I actually look back with so much gratitude. Though 2020 has been quite a year, to say the least, I look at how it has pushed me and grown me.

In November 2019, Jake and I went on a much anticipated trip to Mexico. Our girls were almost 2 and newly 4 at that time. The day to day of life had me honestly feeling trapped. My motherhood anxiety was high. I had recently stopped breastfeeding, so hormones were still regulating 🙃. The thought of things required to do anything with the girls was daunting. I’d lay awake at night unable to sleep, stressing of how I would entertain them the following day. Jake had slowly shifted that year from always working from home to never working from home. I had been looking forward to the reprieve this trip would give me do over a year. On hard days, I would picture us relaxing at the beach and it would give me fresh air to carry through the day.

When we returned from Mexico I didn’t feel the relieve I had hoped. I actually felt much much worse, with nothing to look forward to. I’m a generally upbeat and positive person. I honestly had thought I was immune to depression, since it was not something I struggled with postpartum. I’m not really sure how I got in that hole or how to get out. I found myself being more short fused with the girls, and then guilt would send myself into a crying mess. I’d fall into crying spells and honestly couldn’t pull myself out of them. I’d cry on and off the rest of the day about how terrible of mother I was. Why couldn’t I just be better? Do better? Jake told me one day he was worried about me and noticed I hadn’t been myself in awhile. After two days of mostly crying, I immediately made a phone call to schedule counseling. I knew i couldn’t function that way much longer and the awareness of me being in a dark place had finally come. I didn’t know it before then, though looking back, I see how 2019 was mostly a low year for me.

I was living the life I’d always dreamed of, but I felt trapped, alone, pushing myself to be something I just wasn’t quite created to be. I was trapped in the life I loved, unhappy, and unsure how or why.

You know when you imagine what you want your life to be like? Well, when I got there, it was everything I pictured, but not at all the way I thought it would feel. It was a combination of hormones, anxiety, high expectations for myself, lack of boundaries with the girls and some wrong thinking that made me feel trapped. Trapped in my depression. Trapped in the life I always wanted, but also not wanting to be anywhere else. I wanted to be here, but happy.

I realized in counseling that I wasn’t wired to fully be a stay at home parent. And that’s okay. Not all of us are. As an achiever, when channeling all my energy into parenting, I came up short and felt like a failure most days. I started to wish I could be wired differently, why can’t I just be happy serving my family in my home? I learned to embrace that God created me this way for a reason, to serve my family that looks different than others and that is also okay. I realized I lacked good boundaries with the girls to have space to do things that bring me joy. I felt I could only do household chores or workout when they were asleep or had a sitter. I believed lies about how I just needed to fit into the happy homemaker mold to best serve my family.

Thankfully, I started counseling when I did. I was just starting to see the light again and tell myself a new story when Jake went into the hospital. The trauma experienced during that time I’m not sure I could have handled in the place I was in in November. When Jake was in the hospital, though one of the most difficult times of our adult life, it also in a snap of the fingers moment, pulled me out of my self reflecting, and self focus to what really mattered. It caused me to put more value on the things I took for granted, like health and simple moments together.

Then the pandemic. Right as Jake was healthy and feeling himself again, the world shut down. He started working from home again. Our girls were no longer in preschool and home full time. We were all home. I know you remember. 😉 There was nowhere to go, life slowed, we had time together again. I was forced to set up boundaries with the girls, because we were all home all the time. Instead of me playing with them all the time, I pushed them to play together. I worked out while they were awake dumping boxes of Cheerios and shredded cheese on the floor, but I still did it. The girls were growing up and could handle a little less monitored time together. In the most trapped I actually was during lockdown, the less trapped I had actually felt as a parent to date. I could fold laundry while they played nearby, workout while they watch a show and make a mess, or even shower while they are awake playing, all things I had not done before.

The pandemic taught me that feeling trapped was a choice, for me. I don’t want to discredit or invalidate anyone who actually is trapped in an unhealthy or abusive situation. Or how actually difficult it is to be stuck in our homes with little contact with people or things that brought normalcy to our lives. That is still hard, for all of us. But for me, it helped me prioritize what mattered and who mattered most. What brings me joy that I must find a rhythm to do at home so I can be an emotionally healthy mom and wife. The boundaries created were one of the best things that could have come for me and our family. It actually freed me from so much anxiety and stress, that I created for myself. Just in time for new anxieties, germs! 😜 I started to sleep easier, no longer stressing about what we would do the next day. We started new rhythms of play together, playing independently, running outside and I found we all had more joy in them. With less to do and no places to go, there was less pressure to look a certain way, our home to be perfectly picked up or to hurry to anything. We could all be more flexible with the flow and find it made us all breath easier.

I found that these things caused me to feel more free and less trapped than ever:

- real, quality time as a family

- less stress on our schedule

- more boundaries on my schedule, pushing the girls for independent play (so healthy for them too!)

- more embracing of what brings me joy (writing, meaningful community, accomplishing small tasks, working out, creative projects like decorating/reorganizing)

- getting outside, no matter the weather

- focusing on gratitude and giving others love and grace, brings me more internal joy than focusing on what I want to change or cannot change

Then we started a part time business with Stay Airstreams and it gave me tasks and purpose outside our home that brought me new life. Though, in a lot of ways, it isn’t the type of work I truly enjoy, like more cleaning and laundry 🤪, it reminded me how purpose outside the home is there for me and our family can make it work. It wasn’t too difficult or too selfish to find a way to get what needed to be done, done.

I say all of this to say that if you are finding that you are not feeling quite yourself, give yourself permission to seek help. It’s not selfish to take the time or money to do so. It is actually quite the opposite. You cannot serve your family or anyone else if you are on empty.

This has been a crazy year for all of us and sometimes we just need a little help to sort through our thoughts. It didn’t take me long to feel a lot better. And I’m so grateful I started counseling when I did, because who could’ve imagined what 2020 was going to bring. For us it started off with Jake’s health struggles and then the pandemic 😳. I’m not sure how I would’ve survived this year, let alone thrived in it without getting the help that I needed when I did. And I want that for you to my dear friend, to thrive. ❤️

[kimlisby]

What Does Faking It Rob Us Of?

You guys, when I was in direct sales, I wanted to earn the privilege to speak on stage, the cars, the trips, and all the titles, so badly. I felt it in my soul so deeply. The longing. The desire. The drive. All the promotions and competitions I went after. If there was something to be earned, I wanted to earn it. I dreamt for years of what it would look like and feel like. I made goal posters, circled them in prayer, told my friends and my family. I had big dreams of going to the top and invited everyone I came within two feet from to come with me. That is not an exaggeration. You don’t know how many customers and team members I met at Target. My lack of achieving my goals was never a lack of willingness to hustle.

Most years, I actually achieved very few of my goals, if any. For 9 years friends, I just barely irked by. My goals were to get to the top, but I never really got that close. At first, it wasn’t for lack of discipline or poor habits. There was a time after earning my car I had several team members quit in a small period of time, several stopped talking to me all together and even a few broken friendships from those who joined my team. It was a wake up call. I basically dropped all my high performing habits and questioned my motives. It was the beginning of the slow fade of my business diminishing. What I wasn’t willing to do anymore was whatever it took. Because for a season, I did, and it never felt right. But mostly, I wasn’t willing for my goals for the future to tarnish my personal convictions. I used to think that was a bad thing. Like I was being lazy, unwilling to work hard enough, or have high performance habits to set me up for success. What I was wanting to do was not going to get me to where I wanted to go. It just didn’t add up. I was beginning to no longer believe success was the highest priority in life, though I wouldn’t have admitted, I did for a time.

For years my dream was so hazy, but at the time it felt so clear. I wanted to help women work through their past and false beliefs, so they could be emotionally healthy enough to live their best lives. I hope this is clear in all my writing. Yet, I also wanted to have a very successful direct sales business. I was, however, minimally teaching women how to do that and was clearly not doing that for myself. I felt called to help women and made the most logical jump that it was clearly through my current business. I was using it as a vehicle to help women emotionally and hoping it would amount to business success as well. See how that doesn’t add up?

During that time, I was in a constant internal battle of panic and stress of falling short. I was working to not lose, instead of win. I wasn’t swimming a race, I was barely staying afloat. Yet I smiled and painted a picture of a beautiful life so others would want to do what I do. It’s called faking it till you make it. So I thought. At the time, it felt that was what I needed to do. I was still so hopeful that it would be true for me too. Yet, I didn’t see how faking it robbed me of true vulnerability and authenticity in any of those relationships.

I wanted it to look like I had it all together. And honestly, because of my pride, I felt I did. Convinced myself of it. I was in the beauty industry so I always felt I had to look the part, 24/7. I had to portray not only success, but beauty. How tiring does that sound? And to be clear, that was my own pressure I put on myself, not from anyone else. But it was still there. I was torn between the lie of ‘faking it till you make it’ and just wanting to be. No one ever talks about how faking it often brings out two unhealthy emotions, pride and shame.

It makes me wonder if I could have laid down my pride, would I have seen the disconnect sooner and walked away on my own? It was clear to some, but not to me. I didn’t see the disconnect of the unhealthy drive, the desperation to win, the phoniness I felt I had to portray and how my pride fueled it all. I only saw the goal and all the ways I could push to achieve it. But slowly, as time went on, and I was doing the emotional work, it didn’t feel right anymore. I started to see how my goals were robbing me of being my real self, instead of portraying what I thought I should be. And it didn’t feel right in my gut. A red flag we should never ignore.

When month end desperation started to kick in, I found myself wanting to make different decisions, less desperate to win at all costs. I started to care less and less of what people thought, wanting to be more honest with where I really was. And I found in being authentic, people related more. It freed me. I no longer had the need to be successful in other people’s eyes, because I didn’t give anyone’s opinion more authority than God’s. And to God, I won the second I laid my pride down. In that moment he whispered to my shattered and raw heart, now you’re doing it right. No person or thing has the authority or status to speak into who I am, besides the one who created me. When I accepted that, truly in my beliefs, everything changed.

Not only that, but when I embraced showing the real me. Not feeling the need to portray a certain image or hiding what I was really feeling. I’ve found that in opening up, many are feeling the same way and too scared to share. Or sometimes we can’t even put into words what we are feeling until someone else shares. That is the true power of vulnerability. It brings awareness and deeper connections to others. Not only that, but to our true selves. Brene Brown said in her book Rising Strong that “you either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”

For years I fell in to the trap of what many call toxic positivity. It was part of my faking it persona. It’s where you only acknowledge or focus on the positive, denying the negative. Though gratitude and positivity are vitally important, and still very much part of my focus, denying the negative does not make it go away. Denying our full story will continue to cause us to feel a disconnect. We must work through the past, the bad, the negative emotions, name them, call them out and deal with them, not deny them. In denying them, they still have power over us. In acknowledging them, we are able to release them. Denying them will cause us to continually be stuck, like I was, instead of working through them to be set free.

In naming my shame in faking it, I was able to discover that my value is no less because I no longer have that title. And, my value is the same no matter what I do or what others think of me. I feel the same about myself whether I’m on the top of the scoreboard or not even on it, because that’s who God says I am. He created me an achiever, yet there’s nothing I can achieve that makes me greater in his eyes. And it’s the same for you. If you’re sifting out what you’re on this earth to do or feel you’ve already found it, know this, the outcome does not effect who you are. And when you know that to be true, you can walk out your passions and goals in a healthy way; not giving the outcome, perceptions or process more weight than it should have in who you are. So go do you and only you!

Much Love,

Kim

[kimlisby]

When It Was Time To Let Go

Photo Cred: Denise Jambor Photography

Ever been in a career that just didn’t feel right? You knew you were created to do more, be more, feel more but you can’t figure just what it is? When I was working in education, I quickly learned it was not for me. I started praying, looking and applying to other job opportunities. I interviewed for several jobs and didn’t receive one offer. The entire time I was praying for God to lead me to my career, one I’d do and love forever. I desperately wanted to find a career I could feel passionate in long term, not seeking out new positions every few years. About the time I stopped looking, because I’d applied to all the jobs already that seemed appealing, I was invited to a direct sales party and I signed up. I didn’t overthink how I’d do it, I just knew I wanted to. Six weeks after signing up I attended their year end conference where I wept in the audience. I felt God tell me in that moment, this is where you are suppose to be.

Because I took that conviction so seriously, and I’m wired as an achiever, I started running full out to grow my business. I even put off all other life goals like travel, volunteer work and starting a family because I wanted to earn career goals first. When I turned thirty and felt no closer to them, I decided to give that decision to God. I relinquished control of when, how, but not quite if those goals would happen for me. It was not in a simple or humble way, more like a throw my hands in the air and say, WTF God, I’m sick of wasting my life away, not inching closer to where I want to be kinda way. I’m sorry if that offends you, but God knows what we are really thinking anyway. I am so grateful I didn’t continue to put my life on hold so I could earn superficial things. I was never going to earn them. That was not God’s plan for me.

As an achiever I don’t sit in discomfort too long, I move on or find a way through it. A not so positive aspect you ask? Being willing to silo my life so tunneled that I denied my heart other dreams and steered away from other callings. I latched on to the saying, the good is the enemy of the great. Because clearly that means my career goals are what is great, not anything else, right? Um no, not right. Not even little bit.

I thought that since my conviction was so strong at the beginning, that God answered that prayer for me to leave my former career and provided one that had so filled a void at the time, that I was suppose to be there forever. That since in that moment God said this is where you are suppose to be, that I assumed I was suppose to be part of the company forever. And if I was going to be here forever, that meant I’m suppose to achieve the highest position possible, right? Wrong again. I connected the dots the way I wanted to see them, through the lens of an achiever. That was my desire, not his. I thought since he had painted a picture for me of speaking in front of hundreds of people, that meant it was in that space, for that purpose. And when things didn’t come together as quickly or easily as I had hoped, I continued to ask myself and God, what am I doing wrong? Not am I working toward the wrong thing.

Month after month I would set a goal and cover it daily in prayer. And some months I’d see how God would show up in ways that only made sense as supernatural favor, not a coincidence. And he showed up for me month after month. In little ways and in big ways. Last minute new team members to wrap up qualifications for leadership positions and cars, random sales coming through my website and that one time because of a storm we got an extra day the last day of the fiscal year, when I needed it to meet my quota. He showed up. Even times when looking back, it was past my time to walk away, he was still there. It showed me how God cares about the little details in our lives. He hears our prayers. He wants to show us his realness, hugeness and kindness, if we allow opportunities for him to do so. And most of the time it looks like relinquishing control to him. He kept providing just enough for me to be able to stay, but not enough for me to thrive.

During that same time, I prayed every day for an entire year he would change my desires to move up in this business and he did not. For months and months I prayed he’d change my business and he did not. Every day I prayed those words. And he did not. Being wired as an achiever, no matter the arena I’m in, I’ll want to do it all out. Even today, with a healthier understanding of my value, I still gravitate toward achievement. It wasn’t until I had walked away, for months, did God start to remove the specific desires to achieve with that company from me. It was years in the making. What he did do was make it clear I needed to walk away. He was gently nudging me for a long a time and I am so grateful for that. Otherwise my prideful heart might have been so angry with him. The slow nudging turned into a closed door and by then, I was so sick of the unhealthy cycle I had continued to remain in. I wasn’t willing to work more, away from my one year old daughter and so I finally let go. I’d reached the end of my mercy rope. I hadn’t met my quota for the last time. A month later I found out I was pregnant with our second. A surprise to both my husband and I. What a beautiful one. Looking back I see how of course he didn’t remove those desires, I’m wired to want to achieve! He wanted me to walk away anyway. He needed me to move first, to remove myself so I could see a clearer picture. An act of obedience I was too prideful to see years before.

The true answer to my prayers were in the numbers. Continuing to come up short wasn’t healthy for anyone. It caused me to lead out of desperation and it never felt right in my spirit to do so. The cards were on the table. For me, that was God saying this isn’t working and it’s time to walk away. Honestly, I couldn’t continue the way I was going. It wasn’t so much a choice for me to leave, as a choice to stop pushing. And when I didn’t meet my quota again, my title was removed. In my head though, I was only willing to let go knowing I could come back to it someday. That was my plan then. It was not God’s. I see that now. If I would have been achieving my goals, I would have never walked away, no matter how unhealthy it made me feel.

Everyone’s story is different. Everyone’s journey to figuring out what they are on this earth to do is unique. But to all, there are seasons where we have to let stuff go. Stuff that we love, or think that we love. Things that have been part of who we are for a long time. Things that seem healthy and joyous and fulfilling. Things that may not make sense at the time. I know there are times we need to push forward anyway and God blesses our efforts. There are other times we push and push, yet we still aren’t released from where we are. Or times, like me, we are to relinquish, but we keep pushing fruitlessly anyway.

It’s so hard to know when we are to relinquish and when we are to persist. I don’t have a clear answer. There isn’t a clear equation for this one besides this; pray continually. Pray about it all the time. Ask God to do specific things. Ask him to bless things that are in his will. Ask him to make obvious what isn’t. Confusion is not from the heart of God and not where he wants us to stay. Just keep praying and doing. If it were clearer, it would be too easy to not rely on God, but our own efforts, ideas and achievements. So take heart in this, even if you’re doing the wrong thing with your life, God will gently and lovingly nudge you back in the direction he wants you to go. Don’t be too afraid to take a misstep that you don’t take any. We have a kind and gracious father who understands our prideful hearts and loves us anyway. He sees our selfish ambition and still longs to bless our efforts. He doesn’t want us lingering in confusion, but knows most of our frustration is created by our own doing; our own unrelinquishing hands. So whatever it is in your heart to do, give it to him. Commit it to him and hear where he’s guiding you, no matter how illogical, because he’s beyond logic. Or even if it breaks your heart and ego to let go, do it anyway. I’m a testimony to say, it’s worth it. My life is sweeter today because of it.

[kimlisby]

We Are Not What We Do

For the past almost decade I have worked in an achievement based arena. So much of who I am gravitates to it. I am wired as an achiever (enneagram #3, which has the core need to succeed). I am competitive and I love to win. Making progress toward a goal is what drives me. And though that type of career can be very fulfilling, I found myself continually feeling like I was coming up short. Like I wasn’t enough.

My worth had been so tightly woven into my achievement status, that I had so many highs and lows. The difference was vast. When business was good, I felt like a million bucks, but when it was bad, I felt totally worthless. I was on a roller coaster of emotion every month, that produced hope, then shame, then pride. It has given me a beautiful gift though, which was the insight into how to appropriately place my value. That’s why we have problems right, to find the solutions! When we feel emotions triggered up inside of us, it is the alarm system that something is there to be examined.

Out of college I started working in education and it couldn’t have been a more wrong fit. When I was feeling so unfulfilled in my career, I naturally gravitated toward a direct sales business and jumped right in. For the first time in my working career, it gave me purpose that I was so desperately wanting. It gave me something to work toward with passion and because of that, I moved up the career path. I was so determined, I didn’t always do it the right way, and have so many regrets about the process. Yet, that is often how we learn. I was so sold out on what the opportunity had done for me, I truly believed in all my heart that every one of my friends should give it a try. Not to advance me, but because it had so filled a hole in my life, I assumed every one else needed that hole filled as well. Okay, maybe it was to advance myself a little as well. My passion for sure looked pushy, and for sure pushed people away. For that, I regret. The rest was just part of my journey to where I am today. And honestly, I’m not sure how I would have learned it any other way.

For many years I convinced myself that the stress I was feeling to meet my quotas was good, because it pushed me to meet my goals. I was hopeful every month was going to look better than the month before. I developed this unhealthy cycle of shame when it didn’t turn out any different. Though on paper I was not succeeding, my pride desperately latched on to the title, the influence and the prestige of my position. But inside, I felt like a phony. I felt like a failure. Since I was the face of my business, I felt that when my business was failing, I was failure. There was no differentiating between the two. So at the start of a new month, I would make myself promises about what I was going to do and how it was going to look different. And when it didn’t, the shame would come flooding back in deeper and deeper.

For years I lived my month on a high stress cycle. Hopeful in week 1, anxious in week 2, depressed in week 3 and determined in week 4. The last day of the month I felt all 4 of those emotions on an endless loop. I started to process what I was feeling and came to the conclusion that anything that produces shame, is not good. I do believe we can have good stress, that is fruitful and life giving. Good stress is feeling excited about working toward a goal that stretches us. Bad stress is feeling if we fall short of our goal that our value is also less. Truth is that our value is the same no matter what we do. And shame is never an emotion God wants us to feel. And though we hear the opposite too often, we are NOT what we do. Our value of who God created us to be has no tie to our actions. Did you hear that correctly? Our performance in life, whether in our career or not, has no correlation to our worth as a deeply loved, uniquely created, child of God. We are not here to earn love, approval or titles. But we do. And that’s okay. But when we feel less than or greater than because of it, that is when we know we have some untruths tied to our identity.

Here are a few of them...

— feeling that if we don’t accomplish our goal we are somehow worth less

— wanting to prove we can do something, but feeling shame, guilt or less than if we don’t

— trying to earn the approval or love of others through what we do (people pleasing)

— trying to prove we can do it to anyone else but ourselves, for approval and praise

— feeling that if we earn it we will be happier or have more value than we do today

— thinking that if our performance or actions aren’t perfect we are worth less or if they are we are worth more

— trying to do better than other people, as if us winning makes us superior to others (comparison never comes from a healthy place, everyone loses)

— trying to earn someone’s affection, recognition or approval (that isn’t a healthy relationship, whether they are asking that of us or we are giving them that much authority in our life)

If you’ve resonated with any of these as truth, I’d encourage you to tune into to my 6 part blog series on overcoming performance orientation to find a healthy view of self worth. I will be discussing, through my real life experiences and raw emotions, the list above in more detail. I hope it speaks to you and sets you free as it has for me. Because honestly, we are not what we do, we are so much more.

Also, follow my Instagram account @wearenotwhatwedo for reminders of how to appropriately place our worth in an achievement based society.

** this picture is a reminder for me, even in motherhood when I strive so hard to look the part, like I have it all together. Then my daughter will only wear part of her costume and my other daughter’s costume didn’t come until the next day. 🤷‍♀️ Life is messy and complicated and we are only making it worse for ourselves when we feel the need to look a certain way to the outside world. A trap I fall in constantly. Who we are doesn’t have to be what others think of us. Not anymore.

[kimlisby]

My spirited child. You’re so smart and so fun. I equally love and loathe your nature to always do the opposite of what you’re told. Stay wild and bold forever. ❤️ But, can you please decide to be potty trained? 💩 I’m starting to lose my will and mind. 🤷‍♀️ #adelaiderose #toddlers #pottytraining #almostthree #ringpop #spiritedchild #strongwilled #stronggirl #futureleader #astronautsweardiapers 🙄#shetoldmethat (at Hammerhand Coffee) https://www.instagram.com/p/BneSyurnvI7KHcKIFHAnzfCZfnePUKGCOFopHQ0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=kzr1ibo1bwfx

[kimlisby]

This morning we tried to go to church and Adelaide wasn’t willing to stay in her class or stay quiet in big church. So after getting all four of us ready and there, we went home. I apparently am a glutton for punishment as I also tried to at least snap a photo of the girls in their coordinating dresses. This was the best one, happy baby, toddler who wondered off. This is after yesterday attempting our first movie in the movie theater 😳🤦‍♀️ This season of parenting is teaching me so much about holding loosely to my plan, relinquishing my expectations and practicing being in the moment. After Adelaide threw a pile of laundry on the floor and pretended to be angry mommy, saying “I’m so angy”.. I realized I need to change. I don’t want to be angry mommy. It’s easy for me to expect too much of my almost three year old and lose patience when she makes messes on purpose or throws fits and whines. Those are things some adults still struggle with 😜 Parenting is so much about relinquishment; relinquishing your plans, keeping a clean house and high expectations of how you think your children should behave. Kids are kids. They have off days. They have big emotions they are learning to process what to do with. They test boundaries, it’s their job, and how they learn. Today I’m needing to take a deep breath and rethink how to parent my toddler, in a loving, calm and peaceful way. I’m relinquishing what I think she should be doing by now, like using the potty, being a better listener, never making messes on purpose and not having emotional fits. Turns out, my frustration was my own fault, for expecting perfection from a two year old. Anyone else been there? So instead of attending church, we came home and painted blocks outside and made a big, fun mess. We dumped water buckets and learned how to trim flowers with scissors. I channeled her spirited, adventurous energy into an activity that didn’t stress me out. Thank you Jesus for nice weather, toddler forgiveness capacities and a brand new week for you to transform me to be more like you. 🙏❤️ #sundayvibes #parenting #toddler #adelaiderose #genevievesnow #motherhood

[kimlisby]

These two cuties keep my days, and nights, full. Full of smiles and laughs, snuggles and kisses, running and playing, adventures and sweet memories. But with anything that is good, there is also difficulty. There are frustrating moments that take everything in me to not respond in anger, and when I do, I torture myself with guilt. There are sleepless nights, causing short fuses, and low energy. There are weeks I enjoy every single day, and others I’m counting down the hours till nap and days till Saturday. And so is parenting. It brings out the best of you and the worst at times. It stretches you, literally, in every way possible. Your capacity to love, function without sleep, get stuff done (or not 😜), to offer grace to yourself and patience to another. Your capacity increases with each day. But then there are days that feel like too much, where you just want to check out. Fight the urge, and if you can’t, seek help. This week I made an intentional effort to schedule some me time. And I felt awful about it, total mom guilt. I had to suppress the anxiety of leaving to even enjoy being gone. I had to tell myself repeatedly it’s okay to take some me time, to work out, while the girls are with their grandma, to better myself. Because I can’t give from empty bucket. So we had a date night, hung out with friends, I joined a gym, I took a nap, I let the house get dirty, I picked out some new clothes, and I ate the cupcake! And you know what? It stretched me. I had to pray through it to get my thinking right. And, I’m better because of it. And if I’m better, they are better too. So other moms out there who are struggling to take some time for you, do it anyway. Even if it feels like too much! I literally had told myself I’d workout again when they went to school 🤦‍♀️ and that I didn’t deserve to have nice clothes, since I just stay at home. 😳 A better is you is better for them. Even if the planning to leave seems like too much to even go, do it anyway. It may feel selfish, but a healthier you will raise healthier children. So figure out what fills your bucket back up and schedule it! You are worth it. 😘#motherhood #sahm #adelaiderose #genevievesnow

[kimlisby]

Cheese! 🧀 Some days are easier than others with these two. Let’s be clear, the little one is the easy one 😜. After two days of mostly sweetness, all boundaries were tested today. I have to remind myself that it’s a child’s job to test boundaries and my job to reinforce them, hopefully with gentleness. Most days I have to ask the Holy Spirit to fill me with his fruit, especially gentleness, kindness, patience and self control. 😳🍎🍊🍋🍒 And then, after a less than smooth morning (just check my instastory), she sits on the couch and wants to hold baby sissy, kisses her and let’s me rock her to sleep for nap. ❤️ Oh children, you bring out the best and the worst in me, and I’m just trying everyday to be a better me than the day before. If not for my sake, for you! 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧#momlife #toddlermom #sisters #adelaiderose #genevievesnow #motherhood #sahm

[kimlisby]

This picture from a year ago popped up on my newsfeed and it was a sweet reminder of God’s faithfulness and provision in our life. It’s us, as a family of three in front of our old house a year ago on Easter. We were about to list our house, had broken ground for our house build and were about to head on a vacation in Florida. Adelaide still looked like a sweet toddler, but was feisty and determined. I was pregnant and didn’t know it, nor plan it. I had just finished reading the book The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson and it was life changing book for me. Because of that, I went on my first fast ever to pray about very specific things in our life that were unclear at the time. A year later, I want to share how God has answered all of them.

In his book, he shared how fasting gives extra power to prayer and it honors God for us to ask for help in things that will bring him glory. It inspired me to try a Daniel fast, which is where your eat fruit, veggies, nuts.. things of the land and abstain from everything else and I did it for 5 days. May seem like lazy fasting, but it took a lot of willpower to do that! It was when we had given our active, climbing toddler a toddler bed too soon and she thought 5 am was an acceptable time to wake up everyday when I was extra tired from my unknown pregnancy.

I focused on these specific prayers below everyday, praying every chance I could, and my hunger was a reminder to rely on God and talk to him throughout my day.

1. Selling our house, over a certain amount with no hiccups with inspection, appraisal or buyer funding. We sold our house less than a week later for just a couple thousand shy of my number in mind, still over $60,000 more than what we had purchased it for two years prior. We had multiple offers, over ask in the first 24 hours. There were also no hiccups with the sale of our home. When we first decided to build, we had no way to foresee how the housing market would change for our favor 6 months later. Only God did.

2. That the timing of moving would work perfectly for when our home would be complete. This is a tricky one, because during the time it didn’t feel like perfect timing. But in hindsight it all worked out as it should. We had originally thought our home would be done being built in August. By the time we found out it would be more like November, which it was, we had already sold our house and moved into my mother’s basement. We originally thought that would just be a few weeks and turned into four months. However, during that time we were able to save enough to put 20% down on our house. Plus, Adelaide and my mom were able to grow a close bond. And even though the timing didn’t work out perfect, financially it did. And even more, God prepared my heart for it. I had forgotten that during my time of fasting I felt God told me to prepare myself for what would come in November. I had been praying that, not realizing it would be the news of the move. And even further provision is that just a year before that we had encouraged and helped my mom move closer to us, which she did. Instead of being 45 minutes away, she was 10, so the four months living with her were still in the same community we were used to living in and were building in.

3. That we would be able to save enough before the close of the new build to put 20% down. The short story is that we did. The longer story is that God greatly blessed Jake’s business during that time so we could. Especially since we didn’t know exactly how much we needed until the week of close, we needed a bit more due to an unfavorable appraisal and we had added some upgrades in the building process adding up to about $12,000 more. That was a lot of money to save in a short amount of time, but God provided. Mostly because we had more time with no bills than we had originally anticipated as well.

4. That we would have direction and favor in both Jake and I’s businesses. If you’ve read my other blogs, or know about my life right now, you’ll know how God answered this. He greatly blessed Jake’s and asked me to lay mine down. That was a process for me, but I can honestly say that I’m not only at peace with the decision now, but grateful and joyful in this new season of motherhood. I did not foresee how our life would change, but he did. Which brings me to my last point of prayer..

5. That God would give us wisdom in parenting our spirited toddler and the right timing for baby number two. Little did I know that I was actually pregnant while praying this and doing the fast. Which basically shows me how perfect God’s timing is always! And in all honesty, I was terrified of what life would be like as a mother of two. Adelaide was so active at that time, so determined, but lacked the ability to communicate fully. We had some challenging days to say the least. And today, she is so much more independent and verbal in that small amount of time that having two is easier than just her at 18 months old! As a first time parent, you don’t know how quickly a child develops and changes in a 6 month time period.

Little reminders for me, and hopefully you too, how God is in control. Little glimpses of his character. He cares about the details of our lives. We had felt his prompting for all of these things and trusted his provision for all of them. Does that mean we didn’t have times of doubt? No! There were so many details that had to work out and we had to continually turn to him and trust that he would work them out. And you know what? He did. He was faithful, he always is. I can look back now and see how he was working in the background on our behalf. I had to trust the first step without knowing the why or how. I stepped down from my career before knowing I was pregnant. We started building before having all the money secured (yes we were pre-approved). We started praying for wisdom in parenting before we knew we were expecting our second! I was praying for strength and peace in November, before I knew what was going to happen. He prepared me in advance for each step so I could be ready. He is the only one that is all knowing, though we so desperately want to be, so trust in his timing, power and control in your life. If you have a hard time relinquishing control, I have bad news for you friend, you aren’t and never were. You’re only setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment when you think you are. I know, I learned that lesson through years of frustration and disappointment. And I encourage you to list out some areas in your life of uncertainty and spend a dedicated amount of time praying for them. List them out, pray about it often and journal what you hear and see over time. You might be surprised how God honors your willingness, openness and faithfulness when you give things to him. And ultimately, his power will be shown in doing so. I dare you to give it a try.

[kimlisby]

Dreaming a New Dream for Motherhood

photo cred: Picture to the T Photography, Tierra Felder * picture taken when Adelaide, my firstborn, was 6 months old

When you’re mom in the middle of the baby and toddler years, it’s so easy to lose a sense of you-ness. Everything in your life goes from a me to a we, including going to the bathroom. Many women, like myself, forgo things like hobbies, daily showering, going to the gym consistently or even a career. Some make it seem easier than others to have it all, so let’s be clear, we all have different paths and convictions as parents, there is not one way.  But for me, I felt the conviction to lay down my career for a time to raise little people, a season I know I will never have again. This particular season is one that takes a lot out of a mother, as small children can do little for themselves. It’s a season that feels so long, but goes by so quick. It’s a season that I have worn the merit badge of sacrifice, but that stops today.

When reading a new book, Becoming Mom Strong by Heidi St.John she talks about this season of motherhood and the surrender that it requires. It looks different for everyone, but for me, it meant following God’s leading to lay down my career. Being wired as an achiever, goal oriented, progress focused leader, that was a difficult process to say the least (see earlier blog). My wording has been that I am laying down my dream for my career which was my purpose for so long, to be home for the early years with my girls. When reading this book though, she shared how this season of life is about having a different dream. And it hit me. I never want my girls to feel that I sacrificed my career to be home with them. My wording and mentality made it seem like I was some type of martyr, so selfless to lay down any dreams I may have had to be a stay at home mom. As if the trade off was a sacrifice instead of a blessing. Yes, it did include surrendering a dream I had been pursing for my career before I had become a mother. The difference is, a sacrifice is when we give up something we love or enjoy as an act of kindness, obedience or faithfulness. Surrendering is laying something down to gain something better. It’s like labor. It is painful in the process, but the outcome of your sweet child in your arms far outweighs the pain. It is not a sacrifice for me to stay home with my children, it is a blessing! So why do I act like it is sometimes? It actually is what I had always hoped for as an adult and am grateful for the opportunity to do so! Majority of the time, there is nothing I’d rather do more on a daily basis than be with my girls. Don’t get me wrong, there are times I want to run away to the holy land of Target, childless, where I can sip my latte and wander aimlessly in peace. Or even just go to the bathroom leisurely, without having a tiny person climbing on me. The times I think that I have to strategically plan when I will shower or it will easily be 7 days before I realize how gross I am. Or the days I look at all of my high heels in my closet and think, when will I wear all of these again? Even now, with a newborn and a toddler during the worst flu season of all time, we have basically been home bound. For those who know me, know that home bound is not something I would choose on my own. But, for the safety of the newborn (or my own personal paranoia) of the potential germs we’d be exposed to, it’s a ‘sacrifice’ I make. Insert eye rolling emoji.. 

And then I think about my girls. Do I really want them to grow up thinking that staying at home with them was a sacrifice? When truly, it’s my greatest joy in life! So where is the disconnect? Maybe it’s in other people knowing I had goals outside being a mom that I so quickly gave up on or worry it will at least be perceived that way. Maybe it’s my justification for being so goal oriented and now not working toward any of them. I’m still sorting all that out. But what I do realize now, is the importance of two things; changing my story and creating a new dream for this season. The story being, not that I’m surrendering anything, though it may internally feel that way, but that I have a different dream for this period of life. A dream that includes life long memories with my girls when they are young, and helping mold them into kind hearted young women who love and know Jesus. It includes going on adventures together, playing pretend, making messes and teaching them new things. A dream that requires just as much, if not more, intentionality with my time and resources. When it is so easy to check out to endure the chaos or monotony of the day, to purposefully check back in. When I could stress or fret over the dirty kitchen and toys scattered all over the floor, to instead let it be and play a little longer. Instead of focusing on what I can’t get done or what now seems so difficult, like one grocery store run, to focus on what I have gained. A dream that is just as meaningful, if not more, because it is laying the ground work for molding future generations, the mother’s of my future grandchildren and the impacts they will all have on this world! That is not a sacrifice, but a privilege and a responsibility!

So, to all the moms out there in this season of life with me, take hope on the days that feel like eternity. The moments you feel like checking out, remember the importance of checking back in. The times it feels like all you want in the world is some me time, schedule it in, so the majority of the time you don’t have it, you aren’t pining after it. Pray for a new dream in this season and relinquish your dream from the past. And more than anything, remember that every season is a shorter season than you think it will ever be. Cherish this season and prepare you heart for the next. Pray for the grace to get you through it with intentionality and the wisdom for the next season it will bring.

[kimlisby]

I’m Awesome and You Are Too

This fall I was at the park with my daughter who made a little friend a couple years older than her. She was probably about 4. She asked her if she wanted to play, what they should do, followed her, helped her up the ladder, etc.  My daughter is newly 2. When it was time for that little girl to go, she came over to say goodbye to Adelaide and said to me, “your daughter is pretty awesome. I’m pretty awesome too.”  And then she ran off. The spunk she had has stuck with me. Later that day I began to ponder.. at what age do we decide we are no longer awesome? Or do we start to compare ourselves? Too many women feel that need to tear each other or ourselves down, instead of lifting each other up. What are we teaching our children, especially our girls, about what it looks like to love themselves with a humble spirit and kind heart toward others? At what age does comparison and insecurities start to creep in? I was reminded how those are learned behaviors, AND I don’t want my girls to learn from me! Because we can’t give our children what we don’t have, but we will give them what we do. So how as an adult do I eradicate those thoughts myself?

Several years ago I heard that quote that we can’t give our children what we do not have ourselves and it shook me to my core. I wasn’t even a mother yet! Meaning, if we aren’t confident, we can’t instill confidence in our children. If we lack faith, passion or humility, our children will likely lack them as well. It’s not always what’s taught, it’s what’s caught. That’s why we sometimes hear our parents coming out of our own mouths as adults! That doesn’t mean those are qualities are children can never possess, but they would need to learn them on their own at an age mature enough to have the self awareness to do so. This quote has stuck with me for years. It has actually brought me to tears thinking about more times than once. The deep responsibility it has given me to be my best self I took seriously, even before I was a mom. And of all things, now being the mother of girls, I see why that quote rooted in me so deep.

On my daughter’s first birthday, I attended a woman’s conference where the speaker, a woman I deeply respected, spoke truth directly in my soul. I was so grateful, because the choice to leave her on her birthday weighed heavy on me. I hear her words almost daily where she said, “your daughter will have a hero, it might as well be you.” Wow, no pressure right! We as moms put enough on ourselves and I know I will be far from perfect in parenting. In Jen Hatmaker’s book Of Mess & Moxie she shares how we should strive to know that we will get it right 80% of the time and the other 20% we will either ask forgiveness for, our children will laugh about when they are older or we can save for their future counseling because “mama tried.” Yet, the responsibility is still there, as a parent, to learn from our mistakes, offer ourselves and others grace, while trying to be the best you. This will continue to be a journey, battle rather some days, but one I’ve been aware of at least 7 years before having my first born. So, here are a few conclusions I’ve come to from examining life’s situations, my best form of study.

Be aware. It is so easy to walk through life with little self awareness. I did for years. I lacked depth and the ability to honestly look inward and access what is truth and what isn’t. Yes, some of that comes with age; I know very few self aware middle schoolers. Yet, I also know many an adult far older than I that still lack a healthy dose of self awareness. It is a conscious effort. And many recent studies will even suggest the best leaders are those who have a high emotional intelligence, meaning they are self aware. They are aware of how their actions affect others. They are empathetic enough to put themselves in another’s shoes, and truly feel what that person may be going through. They are humble enough to admit wrong doing, ask for forgiveness and seek out where they still may be blind. They are open to feedback, approachable and good listeners. They are willing to dig deep in their past to figure out what their triggers are, seek healing and actually change their behaviors. Wow, that sounds like not only a great leader, but a great parent, friend and spouse! That is the goal, though we miss the mark from time to time, the goal is to be AWARE enough to know where we might be lying to ourselves to justify a certain behavior and open to change. If I was not aware of my insecurities, how could I possibly do anything to bring more confidence and truth to those areas? Which brings me to my next thought…

Don’t compare. Comparison is the thief of joy. It puts us on a cycle that will either elevate ourselves or deflate someone else. Both are equally unhealthy. I did not have a sister growing up and neither did my mom. The entire sister dynamic is a confusing concept to me. With my first born having such a bold personality, I’ve worried about her younger sister, if wired more timid, will grow up feeling like she’s living in her shadow. It is something I am already praying against and strategizing for! If they are both equally as bold, I need your prayers! But I feel that God spoke to my heart reminding me of how we all are wired uniquely and specifically different, for a reason. No one’s gifts are better than anyone else, they are just strengths to do different things. And the best thing I can do as a parent is to affirm the unique gifts of both of my girls. It is never a comparison, always an affirmation. With that, even in moments where my wounded child retreats to me about a hurtful comment at school, I will strive to not cut anyone down to build her up. I have done it myself in cheering up friends. To make them feel better, you cut down the actions or attitudes of others. To children, that is teaching them to compare.  Because especially as women, we can do a better job building each other up. I’ve heard before that a rising tide raises all boats. Lifting up someone else’s gifts does not diminish ours, it only does when we compare. I say all of this coming from a pretty consistent pattern in my youth of tearing people down in my head, to make me feel better about myself. It is just a lie if we think we can live that way in our minds and not live out a judgmental spirit in our words and actions too. A life lesson I am still working on daily.  In the world of reality TV, social media, etc.. it can sometimes seem too difficult a task to not compare what comes so naturally to others. But remember, it’s just a glimpse of all the best parts we choose to show, we all have our own battles, no one’s got it all together, all the time.

Receive compliments and generously give them. How many times has a compliment from a stranger brightened your entire day? And how often have you complimented a stranger? Or, how many times have you disqualified a comment given to you? Many years ago, not feeling confident in my own body, mostly because my expectation was perfection, my husband told me I looked nice or something and I laughed, made a yeah right face and then moved on feeling worse about whatever it was that he complemented. Thank God for bringing me that man, because he sat me down and explained to me about how it hurt his feelings when I didn’t just receive his compliments and say thank you. From then on, I made a conscious effort to not only not scoff off whatever he was saying, but to receive it as truth. Why do we so often think that when we are complimented we need to discredit it? We tell people who compliment our dress how long it’s been in our closet, isn’t the size we had hoped to buy or how cheaply we purchased it. When someone asks if we’ve lost a few pounds, we tell them how far we are still from our goal or where we used to be, instead of just saying thank you and feeling genuinely proud of how far we’ve come. I’ve tried challenging my friends to do the same when I complement them, to simply say thank you because of the profound difference it has made in my confidence over the years. And more than that, I try to speak out loud the affirmations I think in my head. When a friend has a great quality we notice, we should tell them, because it is probably diminished in their eyes. One of my favorite exercises we do at every Stacy James, my Mary Kay mentor, event is to genuinely compliment the person next to us with only the response of saying thank you. And when the other person gives a compliment the receiver is suppose to say “you are so right.” What a beautiful practice in learning to receive and give compliments! The exercise brings women to tears every single time we do it. Mostly, I think it’s because it is so rare to receive a genuine compliment about who you be (not what you do or look like), looking in each other’s eyes and saying thank you. She shared how she learned that exercise at a parenting conference where they taught parents to take their child’s face in their hands each day before school, look them in the eyes and say something affirming about who they are. Wow, how powerful if we not only did that daily to our children, but to ourselves and others!

Bottom line is, to all the women reading this, I guess men too, I think you’re awesome. And God thinks you’re pretty awesome too, He created you to be exactly you with unique makeup that only you possess, to do only the things you can do. And your awesomeness doesn’t take away from mine or anyone else’s, it actually causes it to be more awesome when we are working with each other instead of against. Don’t beat yourself up masking it as humility. Don’t guilt or shame yourself into why you aren’t perfect because as it turns out, none of us are. And forget how powerful a positive comment can be to someone else. When you have little children, you are their hero, their life, their world. Work to be the best you, free from self condemnation, full of the awareness of truth in your life to be a role model of a healthy identity and appropriate expectations. Because you can’t give your children what you don’t have (emotionally, mentally, relationally), but you will give them what you do.

[kimlisby]

A Letter to my Second Born

Photo: Denise Jamor Photography 

A Letter to my Second Born... 

When I became pregnant with you I started to worry about your older sister; how she would adjust to having a sibling and no longer being the only. I worried that she would feel that all the attention would go to you, the newborn, when she was used to having all attention on her. I thought through how our daily routine would need to change now that you would be added to the mix and how that would affect her. It never once occurred to me, until you came into the world, that you would be the one that would be slighted the most.

You never knew life where all the attention was on you. Where your parents were only parents to you. Luckily, you will never know any different. We love you just as much as your big sister, but we had two full years alone with her. We experienced all the firsts with her. She is the one who made us parents. We got to see through her the miraculous stages of that first smile, baby laugh and crawl. The first steps, first words and first birthday. We fumbled through trial and error to figure out what works, since we had never done anything like this before. We held her sometimes all day and night, because there was no one else needing our attention.

But you, sweet girl, are our second. We love you just the same, but in the routine of life with a two year old, you lay on your playmate longer while I play games with big sister. You nap in your bassinet instead of in my arms while I prep lunch for big sister. And, I snuggle her while she watches cartoons so she doesn’t feel left out. You my second child, don’t know any different, but she does. I carefully picked out brand new outfits for your big sister including shoes and hair bows, everyday from day one, while you are wearing hand-me-down sleepers each day, because it’s just easier. At every 6 month milestone we had professional pictures taken of your big sister, the central focus, sometimes with mom and dad. Your milestones will always include pictures with your sister and as a family, and less of you alone. There was a time my universe only revolved around your sister and know it revolves around you both. But you will never experience what your sister has, parents who only have one child. And you will never know the difference.

You will grow up with the extra love and attention from your big sister. You will follow her around, always have a playmate and a best friend. You will fight and hurt each other, but you will still always prefer it that way. You couldn’t picture life any other way. You will get all the hand me down clothes, toys and gadgets and not know what it was like to get everything brand new, that you didn’t have to share. You will get drug across the floor, poked in the eye and stepped on in just your first week of life (all of which already happened) learning a resiliency your sister never had to. You’ll learn to be more flexible because you’ll also have to while mom is juggling two little people’s schedules and often the loudest one takes precedent.

With your sister, I was learning what it was like to always be caring for another person, but by you I have already gotten used to that routine. By you I have already gained more confidence in what are the right decisions and care less about what other people think. With your big sister as a newborn I felt like I could never do anything but care for her. I couldn’t shower or go to the grocery store, because what if she woke up, pooped or needed to eat? With you, I know I have just enough time to shower and get ready while big sister is napping too that I would leave you in a bassinet in another room to do so. I’m less strict about your schedule, letting you sleep in our bed and covering up while I nurse. With you the transitions are simpler, smoother even, because I know more what to expect. You may hear too many times how different you are than your sister, because in those moments with you I now have something to compare it to. But you are uniquely you. And your sister is uniquely her.

You were both given to us as precious gifts to love, teach and equip for adulthood. You both have special talents given only to you, to do what God has given you in this life to do. And for now, you both are where I devote almost all my time. Kissing your little toes and boo boos, praying for you to have favor with God and man and for those special husbands of yours you will marry someday, worrying if I’m doing it all wrong, reading parenting blogs and books to try and do it right and putting some of my personal goals and passions to the side, for now. You are only you at this time right now, before preschool and school and the teen years, you are my passion, my joy and my 24/7 job. In what could be 60+ years of adult life, you’re only living in my home, gently under my wing for 18 of them. Know that I have loved you the same from day one, the moment you were placed in my arms, and the joy that swelled in my heart when your big sister met you as well.

Your sister is who made us parents, but you, my second child, are who completed our family and made it whole.

Love, Momma

[kimlisby]

Why Do We Worry & How Do We Stop?

Photo Cred: Phomentum Photography [yes, our newborn woke up to pee for this picture and I chose it in jest for this blog]

When I was pregnant with my firstborn, we did not have our first doctor appointment until I was 10 weeks along. At the time, it felt like an eternity to wait those 5 weeks after finding out! I have seen so many struggle with infertility and infant loss that I didn’t want to assume that I would be any exception. I found myself worrying and pleading with God that the baby in my belly be healthy, have a strong heartbeat and keep one the duration of my pregnancy, and after she was born. I found myself praying, but not feeling any better afterward. And I had a moment of realization. God spoke to me. I know it was God because it was in a heart of prayer that this thought popped into my mind, too wise for my own understanding! In those moments where I found myself pleading with God for a healthy baby, uncomplicated pregnancy and easy delivery, I had worried for years of every possible scenario in having children that could go wrong, that it would. How it would change my body, career, marriage and life style. How there were no guarantees for a healthy pregnancy, delivery or baby. I feared it all for long enough that it kept me from truly living my heart’s calling, to be a mother. And from my experience, none of those fears became a reality. They were wasted worry. Not only that, but years robbed because of it.  Even if any of them would have happened, God would still be there, my loving father. He showed me in that moment how the root of all of those prayers was fear, not faith. And fear does not come from the heart of God, because He says in His word that “we have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). That is when I realized I was worry praying. And to anyone who has been pregnant before will understand how I didn’t feel I had a sound mind. I was spewing out all my worries to God to feel no better. I knew something had to change.

So I shifted my thoughts, which shifted my prayers, or maybe even the other way around. Instead, I chose to pray with positive expectancy, thanking God for what I hoped. I thanked Him daily for a healthy baby in my belly.  I thanked Him for a strong heartbeat, an easy pregnancy and textbook, uncomplicated delivery. After my first appointment, I continued to pray, thanking Him for the evidence that this is so and for continuing it. This practice changed my life drastically.

God tells us plainly ‘do not worry’. But some how, since it’s not listed as one of the big 10, we don’t realize it as a commandment. In the book Celebration of Discipline, Foster actually maps out sins of the heart we are to confess to God and others as fear (worry), pride, anger and extreme greed. All things God wants us to live in freedom from when we relinquish them to Him. Yet, we still take them on as our cross to bare so we can give ourselves a badge of honor for all we have to carry. Or we normalize the thoughts and emotions as if they are just part of life, which they are, but they are meant to be overcome. When it comes to worry or fear specifically, I just think, why would we choose to live our life that way if we did not have to? Or more importantly, if we had a God who actively wanted to give us freedom from it. Matthew 6:25-34 says “therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” But we tell God, like he doesn’t understand, that life is more complex than that. Our worries are legitimized because it’s more than just basic needs. Do you know that Jesus came to this earth as a man and felt what we feel? He grew up with imperfect earthly parents and siblings, he had loved ones reject him, lie to him, and mock him. He knew the truth and so many didn’t want to believe. Do you not think he worried, knowing what was to come for him and the physical pain he would endure? And of course God understands the complexities of life and relationships, He created IT ALL.

But my real question isn’t why do we choose to worry, it’s why we choose to not trust. Because really, that is the root of worry, right? We either don’t trust that God is big enough to really fix our problems, loving enough to want to or is choosing to punish us for our stupid actions. It’s not an issue of choosing not to worry, it’s an issue of deciding to trust that God can handle it. Not just trust He can, but He will. And for those who love to white knuckle every situation as if you were truly in control, it’s relinquishing the fact that you in fact aren’t and that God may choose to fix your problems in a different way than you think is best. Most likely, He will. I look back and laugh at the times I was unwilling to let go so to speak, when God’s way was seeing 10 steps in the future when I can only see 1. Trust that if anything else. He knows the end game, we don’t. I also know this, dear friend, and I say it with love, that anytime we are angry toward God for not answering a prayer, we are closing ourself off to receive it. Anytime we blame Him for things not working out, it’s most likely that our expectations were never right to begin with. And, when we think we can trust our instincts, will or plan more than God’s, we are thinking too highly of ourselves.  He can be trusted. And if you are struggling with letting go of fear and worry to fully trust Him, ask Him to reveal to you the root of the reason why.  

To anyone who is like me, it’s my tendency after a life changing realization to swing the pendulum too far. To shift from worrying about all things, listing my requests to God, to just claiming all victories I want to see in Jesus name. And to be honest, there’s a season I lived my life that way. I wasn’t listening to where God was trying to steer me, just thanking Him in advance for where I wanted to go. And then, being frustrated when it didn’t work out as I had prayed. When really I was just telling God what I wanted Him to do! There is a healthy balance my friends. Sometimes life does weigh us down and we are to ‘cast our cares’ to Him. Sometimes our cares weigh on us too hard, we worry pray all day every day and feel no release. But if your cares align with what biblically God would want for you, claim them in Jesus name. Thank Him for working in that situation though you do not see it. Thank Him with scripture, His own words and promises, that He has not given us a spirit of fear, have victory over the lies of satan, have all authority and power to heal, the He wants to restore the broken hearted and mend broken relationships. And even when it doesn’t turn out as you hoped or claimed, trust that God knows the end of our story and is working things out to the benefit of those who love Him, His words, not mine. I have seen more times then not that in worrisome situations, God is either trying to change my mentality or gives me an opportunity where action on my part is necessary to mend it. He has the power to supernaturally intervene and has many times, but I have had to trust Him enough to take steps myself. To humble myself enough to ask for forgiveness when a relationship is broken, even when I’m not the only one at fault. To trust Him enough to take that job offer I wasn’t looking for, but felt in my heart right to take. To be open enough to think that His plan might be better than mine, even if it doesn’t make sense. To be grateful enough to thank Him for His work, even when life feels like a mess. To some this might all seem naive or immature, but I think the opposite. Even if it weren’t true, wouldn’t you live a happier life this way? And from my perspective, God had richly blessed me and my family because of it.

Today is the day before my due date with my second born.  After having a difficult weekend mentally with several times having contractions and being hopeful that I’m in labor, for the contractions to go away, I am again having to first claim that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and a sound mind. And second, relinquishing all the worries of the details of delivery, the unknowns of when and how, and the disappointment of thinking it was Thursday, then Friday, then Saturday, then today… to realize it could still be over a week away! I’m reminding myself of this practice, discipline if you will, that has been such an easy shift in some areas and not so easy in others.  So when you catch yourself praying, but really spewing all your fears and worries to God, think about how you can shift them to gratitude for His hand on that situation no matter the outcome or trusting that He cares about the details of your life enough to want to take them off our shoulders. He knows all and orchestrates it all, thank Him in advance for that.

[kimlisby]

8 days till my due date. I’ve vacillated through every emotion from excited anticipation for this sweet baby girl, mourning Adelaide being my only, anxiousness over when and how I will be the mother of two little people who need so much from me, back to joy and gratitude for having the opportunity to do so. I’ve felt all these emotions in the past 10 minutes, thank you hormones, while I’ve tried to get Adelaide to nap after a sugar filled morning with no luck. I’ve cried in frustration of her lack of nap, then in shame for my lack of patience, anger for all those who contributed to the sugar intake and then in joy for these last few moments I’m able to snuggle her extra long before my attention is shared. That is a summary of the honest complexity of motherhood.. and hormones, which ruled most of my 2017. Cheers to 2018 and all the emotions and memories it will bring. 🎉😉💕#pregnancy #hormones #motherhood #momlife #family #newyearseve

[kimlisby]

Merry Christmas from the Lisby’s! Or kissmuss as Adelaide says. ❤️🌲#adelaiderose #merrychristmas #christmas2017 #kcphotobus #unionstation #latergram

[kimlisby]

Obedience & Joy, How Do They Relate?

This fall I went through a dark season. It could have been hormones and living in a dark basement, at least they were contributions. I found myself complaining a lot, feeling angry and needing to be understood. I was just grumpy, most of the time. In reality, I had so many things to be excited about with building a new home and expecting a new baby.  It boiled down to my perspective. I realized that I was letting my circumstances rob me of my joy.  Proud of my epiphany, I shared with a friend who spoke truth to me. She said I did have a lot to be grateful for, my perspective should probably shift, but really circumstances and things aren’t what bring us true joy anyway. So I began praying for God to fill me with real joy, like he had done before and to shift my perspective off myself. Where does true joy come from? 

We think that if we do what makes us happy, we will be happy. If we focus on us, we will feel joy. But that happiness is circumstantial and fleeting, don’t let it lure you in. Yes, our new home is lovely and our quality of life is better living here than in mom’s basement, but it’s not where joy comes from. The newness will fade away and then what? I have to find the next temporary high to bring me joy, the baby, then a new car, career shift or vacation. That is exhausting and frankly expensive! We do have an enemy that wants to steal our joy by distracting us from our true purpose, diminishing our passions and causing dissension in our relationships with others and with God. He wants us to have a skewed and selfish perspective of what is true and plants those thoughts in our heads. Joy is not only an act of discipline and practice mentally, but a natural response to having an attitude of gratitude, celebration and obedience toward God. Richard Foster said in his book Celebration of Discipline that “when we determine to dwell on the good and excellent things in life, we will be so full of those things that they will tend to swallow our problems.”

For so long I looked at obedience and discipline as dirty four letter words. They made me cringe, mostly because they just don’t sound fun, they sound like the opposite of celebration and me being forced to do things by sheer will that I don’t want to do. You know what, might as well throw the word budget on the list as well. Anyone else with me? Sometimes that does feel like truth, when we are too caught up in ourselves. We don’t want to let go and forgive that friend who wounded us. We don’t want to seek out God’s plan for us, because what if it is too scary or uncomfortable? Or worse, what if it involves too much sacrifice of my time, finances or fun? Those are lies my friend. They are not the true heart of God. He aligns our desires with his when we are in relationship with him. He calls us to do things that align with the way he’s uniquely designed us, with just enough discomfort that we do have to rely on him instead of ourselves. But in that, we experience joy. Just like when your own child listens and obeys and is so excited for you to see that they have. It brought them joy to obey. I look at us the same way in the eyes of God.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about joy since that conversation and where it really comes from. Foster would say it comes from obeying God’s will. And after some reflection I agree. When you are acting in confidence that you are in line with God’s plan, it not only brings peace of mind, but comfort when you face the inevitable obstacles. A mentor of mine in Mary Kay said once that one of the best gifts she was ever given was the gift of having to rely on God for her needs instead of a paycheck/stable company. That outlook has stuck with Jake and I as we have continued a entrepreneur, non-corporate job lifestyle for over 5 years now.  It was a perspective shift to trust and obey where God was calling us to go. When I started my Mary Kay business it was on a whim, I don’t tend to overthink things. I didn’t pray about it, I just signed up because for some reason I wanted to. I didn’t overthink the process, if I’d be successful, how I’d find the time, etc.. and once I signed up, I just tried my best to figure out how to make it work. But really, I had been praying for an opportunity to get me out of my current job. It wasn’t until months after signing up that I felt God tell me this was the opportunity I had been praying for. If he told me before I signed up I probably would have over thought it and put too much pressure on myself! I needed the time to grow and learn before I was remotely prepared to handle the next step God was calling me to. Little did I know how it would grow me over the next 8 years! But most importantly, God put that desire in my heart to do his will when I didn’t even know that is what I was doing. But I was praying. Trust your discernment in those situations, he is leading you even when you don’t hear clear answers. And if you make the wrong move, he has the power to stop it.

A few years after leaving my job to pursue my own thing, I saw Jake losing his contentment at his corporate position. I always knew he’d be his own boss some day and prompted him to start searching for side projects. When an opportunity came about for him to replace his corporate income with his side gig, I encouraged him to leave. God had grown my faith during that time in my own business to see the evidence of how he could continue to provide for us. Without those experiences, I would have been to fearful, some might call it practical, to encourage Jake to leave a nice, corporate job he was moving up in for a risky, unsteady start-up. In the end, that business didn’t pan out as we hoped. There were a lot of ups and downs to say the least, but God continued to provide for us financially through opportunities we felt led to take. He moved us to a loft with the most flexible and generous landlords during seasons we weren’t sure how we’d pay our rent. He opened up past side projects for Jake to work on during seasons his startup had no funding. He even opened up a position at our church for me, when I was not looking for a job, but I took it anyway. In every instance, God opened up new opportunities and grew our faith to try them out. Today, just three years after letting go of his startup and beginning his own consulting business again, Jake has been the Chief Technology Officer for his very first client for almost a year now and has the biggest client to date for his consulting business, where he is able to fully employ his brother. That client came from a Mary Kay party.  I don’t say that to brag on Jake, even though I think he’s pretty great, I say that to brag on God. Jake has never had to do any marketing, business finds him. That is clearly God and not coincidence. And you know what, the past 5 years have been the most joy filled years of our adult lives, even when there has been the most uncertainty. 

God has a plan, and it is beautiful when we trust it. It is much to be celebrated and find joy in. Yet even with all that evidence of God’s work through our obedience to take the first step, I still found myself in a dark, joy lacking place. None of us are free from allowing lies to creep in and shift our perspective. For me, it was more than shifting my perspective to the good in my life, though that was the first step. We often think that we need to think about what circumstances need to change in order to feel joyful, which may be the case, but usually that thought process leads to more destructive or selfish behaviors. It sends us down a rabbit hole of searching out more things that don’t truly cause real joy, instead bring guilt or shame. Joy is a heart issue, since it stems from having an attitude of celebration in life and obedience toward God. My prayer is that if you are reading this and feeling discontent, joyless or just cranky like I was, that you’ll not only remind yourself of the good gifts in your life that God has given you, but be willing to seek out his will and obey it. It might feel like the opposite of what will bring you joy, but that’s a lie the enemy wants you to believe to keep you stuck in your funk. Not sure how to hear God’s voice to know how to obey? Start by reading his word and start asking him. He will meet you there.