kimmiherself

[kimmiherself]

CHAPTER THREE: FIRST MEETING

When they said we could go into a short break, the teachers really didn't mean a vacation with all the projects and homeworks they piled up for us to ensure we didn't forget our education—they were sweet that way. So there I was at home with my girl best friend, Shanelle, spending our whole afternoon making visuals for our English project that consisted a lot of writing—and a lot of headaches too—instead of binge watching our favorite TV series on DVDs together and munching on whatever food our hands could grab, which was how we imagined our semestral break would be.

"Totally wasted a perfect day for this," I said, tucking our handwritten visuals away for safekeeping until the actual presentation. "We could have finished a season of One Tree Hill, you know."

"Definitely," Shanelle agreed as she slumped herself on the couch in the living room, looking so worn out. "Or those South Korean dramas of yours that we haven't watched yet. They're so much better than OTH, by the way."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said, too tired to even start to argue. One Tree Hill was Matthew's favorite TV show and I started watching it so that I could have a conversation with him about it but later found myself glued to the series. But Shanelle's right. A good Korean drama was a lot better choice to binge watch with a friend and Shanelle was the best person to do it with.

I moved back with my father and my sister in my grandparents' house about two years ago when my cousin, who owned the house I previously occupied with our housekeeper, had come home from abroad and permanently settled down. When my grandfather died a few years back, one of my aunts had taken my grandmother to the States so she could better take care of her, leaving the big, ancient house to just the three of us and a housekeeper. My family had already gotten used to my best friend's presence in the house. She liked to sleep over so that we could watch our favorite shows together. We could go silent all night, just letting ourselves get lost in the movies, but we could also get loud, just talking about everything under the moon until the wee hours of the morning.

She was the first person I talked about Raven with. She might have a really big mouth but she would never judge a person. "So what's wrong with this Raven guy?" she asked.

My shoulders fell. "Haven't you been listening, Shane? You do know I have a boyfriend, right? And I think this sort of thing that Raven and I have—you know, constant, well, more like incessant texting—is kind of a bad thing because I have a boyfriend. The thing is, no matter how platonic our conversations are, it still feels like I am cheating on my boyfriend!"

"You have a boyfriend?!" she exclaimed, acting all shocked.

"Now you're just making fun of me," I said, pouting.

She giggled. "Seriously, Kier! This boyfriend of yours," she said, propping an elbow against the cushion. "We always forget he exists. I mean we've never even met him. Don't get upset but half the things you say about him isn't believable. He may be good with words but he's not the perfect boyfriend you think he is. You're probably just wrapped up with this insane idea about love and destiny that you put him in this high pedestal, giving him perfect boyfriend attributes as if you're writing about the heroes in your novels, just so you could have a romantic story," she said with a slight grimace on her face that I didn't fail to notice.

"But, girl, I hope you're not just having delusions! You don't even know this guy in real life. He's just the man on the phone. And, gosh, he's hardly even romantic. He never exerts effort and he never even bothers to show up. He's like...non-existent. You don't even know what he's up to these days. I'm sorry, Kier, but you don't even know if he has, other than his virtual girlfriend—you, an actual girlfriend in the city. Matthew to you is like an imaginary friend to a child!"

Shanelle really had a big mouth and I regretted telling her about Raven. Well, she didn't seem to have a problem with Raven—at least, not yet—but she sure had a lot to say about my relationship with Matthew. I was wrong about her saintly attitude of being incapable of judging a person because she sure was very good at it. "You don't know Matthew like I do, Shane. He's in college and he just has a lot on his plate right now. And he's not made up. He's a real person!"

She sat up and looked over at me with an apologetic look on her face. "Hey, you know that's not what I meant, right? Of course, he's as real as the sun, but what I doubt about is his feelings for you. As a boyfriend, he doesn't seem to care about you that much, Kiera..."

"Matt's just a really busy person," I cut her off. "I already told you, Shane. College is difficult and Matthew has a part-time job as well."

"Maybe, Kiera. Just maybe. You don't know that for sure, do you? And, as far as I know, when you're really into someone, you'll find the time."

I couldn't answer that. Sometimes, the immature side of me couldn't help but have doubts too. "I have faith in him, Shane..."

"He's not God, Kiera," she said with a sigh, which prompted me to laugh. She laughed too, and the intense conversation was over just like that.

"Gosh, I want you to be happy, Kier, but I really don't think he's as in love with you as you are with him. I'm your friend, and I'm sorry if I don't have a filter in my mouth, but I just want you to pop that bubble and see what's real and what's not, okay?"

I frowned and decided to keep my arguments to myself. "Fine," I said with a grunt. "I don't know what I did right in my past life to deserve such a great friend like you," I said, sarcasm lacing my voice. But deep inside my core, I meant it.

"Oh, I love you too," she said with equal sarcasm. But then smirked. "So what's the deal with this Raven guy, Kiera? I am not so sure about these men you meet merely through your phone but I know you are sensible enough to know what you're doing, right?" she asked with a serious tone in her voice, sounding like a mother—not just mine because my mother wasn't compared to Saddam Hussein for nothing.

I simply nodded. "It's not like Raven's a total stranger, you know. He lives here and I know his family—his sister, at least, and she's quite amazing!" Exactly what a friend said. But he was smitten with her, I thought.

Shanelle looked unconvinced but didn't care to argue. "Have you met this Raven, Kiera? Does he look good? Is he tall? Because you know I don't really like any guy who isn't at least as tall as I am..."

You're as tall as a tree, I thought. I would've rolled my eyes already but the mention of Raven's name had my moods switched. He was like a breath of fresh air, a calm breeze, a misty morning when the sun had just risen. It was a pleasant feeling that I had learned to like a lot. He was home and the thought of him being in the same place as I was sent butterflies to my stomach. I hadn't met him yet and I didn't think it would be possible. I barely went out of the house and I knew that the moment I did, everyone's eyes would be on me, considering how close my aunts' and their offsprings' houses were to ours, and I was terrified of becoming the subject of their gossips if they saw me standing next to a boy. Mother would surely know about it and hell would come loose. Just the thought of it made me shudder.

Shanelle grunted when I didn't answer. "C'mon, tell me about him!"

"I've already told you everything about him and, no, I haven't met him yet," I said, shifting my focus back to my chore.

She frowned. "You should, though," she said. "You don't know what he looks like. What if he's ugly? What if he has no teeth? I don't know, Kier. It creeps me out that you're texting someone you haven't even seen and it creeps me out even more that you think you have a crush on this guy, whose face you can't even picture out!"

That made me look up and glare at her. "I didn't say I have a crush on him."

She glared back. "Shut it! It's all over your face."

I sighed and looked down. There was no use arguing with Shanelle. She really was a force of nature. "Well," I dragged. "I know that his sister is pretty and if the same blood runs through their veins, he couldn't be that bad, right?"

"You don't know that, for sure, Kiera!" she said, looking appalled. "What if he inherited all the bad genes? You're impossible, Kier! You and your faith in men."

I laughed. "Don't be such a pessimist, Shane. He sounds handsome on the phone, though," I teased. "And if you care to remember, we go to a Catholic school. It has been taught to us how equally beautiful we all are, created in the likeness and image of God."

Her eyes widened and laughed. "I can't wait for you to finally see him and have your optimism smack you in the face, oh pure and venerable Kiera!"

I finally rolled my eyes at her. "I hope not!"

She just giggled at that. Shanelle could be a handful most of the time but she sure was good company. There wasn't a dull moment with her. "I should go home, you know," she said, pushing herself up from her seat. "Grandmother's gonna kill me if I missed dinner again." Like me, Shanelle grew up without her parents. Her mom and dad separated a few years ago. Her mother worked abroad while her father lived in the city, probably with a new partner. I guessed the similarities of our lives were what truly bonded us, despite us having opposite personalities. I liked to consider myself an introvert while my best friend was the ever active, passionate, and outgoing person the world had ever seen. While I had few people I trusted, she had a whole community—her chuchmates, her cousins, and her long list of friends—she could rely on to have her back.

"Okay, I'll walk you to the bus stop," I said, putting away the remaining writing materials and other supplies. I helped Shanelle put her own things in her bag before peeking at myself in the mirror to check if I looked appropriate to walk the streets. I was wearing a faded, blue P.E. shirt and a pair of old denim shorts. I was too tired to even think about changing so I just ignored how crappy I looked and ushered my friend towards the main door of the house, grabbing my cellphone with me as I did so.

Only to stop on my tracks when I heard it ring and found Raven's name flashing on the screen. I hesitated for a while, knowing my friend was there to eavesdrop on us, but Shanelle was quick to grab the phone and press the answer button herself. She smirked at me, leaving me dumbfounded. "Hello, who's this?" she said, her voice deep and stern.

"You're crazy!" I screamed at her, only without sound. She just dismissed me with a quick flick of her hand and stepped back.

"Hello?" she said once again, putting the phone in loudspeaker mode. "May I know who is this?"

"I-It's Raven," he answered and I could clearly hear the confusion and uncertainty in his voice.

"Hello, Raven! This is Kiera's aunt," she said, and I couldn't guess what she was up to. Surely she wouldn't embarrass me, considering I was one of her dearest friends. Shanelle watched me pull my arms up across my chest and grunt my displeasure, that mischievous smile never once leaving her face. "Why are you calling my niece?" she asked and all I could ever think about was how painfully annoying she—"Are you Kiera's boyfriend?"

"Amelia Kassandra Shanelle!" I screamed in horror, definitely with sound this time, and jumped at her to grab my phone but failed, considering how tall she was. Freaking tree!

I watched her stifle her laughter and continued to torment me. "Don't you think she's too young to have a boyfriend, Raven? She is still in school and she doesn't need distractions right now. I don't want you calling her anymore, do you understand?!"

There was silence from his end but the call hadn't ended yet. Shanelle probably scared the hell out of him. "I am begging you with my life, my dearest friend! Put me out of this misery," I said, my acting skills in full display. She just wouldn't budge. "Ugh!" I grunted. "You evil woman—"

"Fine!" she finally exclaimed and laughed like a crazy person. "I'm just messing with you," she said on the phone. "This is actually Kiera's best friend, Shanelle. Meet us at the bus stop in," she pasued to think, "ten minutes. We wanna see you!" She then pressed the end call button and handed the phone back to me. "Thank me later, friend!"

"You're so not my friend anymore!" was all I could muster to say. I quickly fiddled with my phone and started typing an apology to Raven. I told him it was just my friend and she was just messing around, just in case he didn't hear her say that. I also said he didn't have to meet us because I was just walking Shane to the bus stop. It would be quick and I'd hate to take someone else's time. I also didn't want other people seeing me with him in public, although I didn't tell him that. My mother would freak out if she learned about it.

"You're welcome, dear," Shanelle said and led us out of the house. "It's now or never!"

I thought I'd faint at the sudden stress she had just put me into. I wasn't ready to meet him yet. Thoughts filled my head like a flash flood. What if he didn't like me? What if he thought I was too plain? Or too fat? My head started to hurt just imagining the disappointment in his face upon seeing me. But he had already seen you! A voice from the back of my head snapped me out of it. Yes, he had. A couple of times, according to him, but those were before we even started texting each other. This would be different! I then got distracted when my phone beeped. My hands shook as I pulled it up and opened the message. It was definitely from Raven.

I wouldn't miss it for the world!

I grunted, dreading my impending doom. I should have, at least, changed into more appropriate clothes and powdered my face. But Shanelle and I were already treading the two-block walk. It would be too late to go back now. My chest felt heavier the closer we got to the bus stop and I thought it would be best to just run back home. But a small part of me wanted to see Raven too. I was curious about how he looked but I also knew it wouldn't matter anyway. I always preferred character over physical appearance. That's not entirely true, my inner voice argued. Fine, I preferred someone who could make my heart skip a beat and sweep me off my feet with just one gaze from him, just how I imagined the heroines in the books felt when they finally found their true love, but he should be at least a little cute to make me swoon like that.

It didn't take long before we reached the bus stop, my chest pounding so hard as if I had been running a marathon. To my relief—and just a slight disappointment, Shanelle and I found it empty. "He probably didn't hear what I said over the phone," Shanelle threw a comment, entangling her arms over her chest, then turned to look at me. "That or he deliberately decided not to show up! Well, that actually speaks a lot about his character and his intentions to you, Kiera. This Raven guy is probably up to no good."

I rolled my eyes at her yet again. "You don't know that for sure, Shane," I said, using her words against her. "He just probably didn't get to hear what you said earlier. You rattled the guy, by the way."

"Excuses," she said, giving me a smirk. "I really was expecting him to be here, though," she murmured.

We waited for a while until transportation arrived. The countryside had few public vehicles that you'd have to wait according to the scheduled trips and we were lucky we didn't have to wait that long. Shanelle lived even deeper into the countryside and the trips there ceased before nightfall. When one arrived, I quickly hugged my friend and watched her scurry off to hop into the vehicle. It was a relief for me that she had to go sooner and didn't have to wait for Raven to come—if he were coming—because I actually didn't know how he'd take my friend's overwhelming personality. It was also a blessing for me because I could now just run back home and escape this dreadful situation.

I crossed the road and started walking my way home when my cellphone beeped, alerting me of a new message. I prayed it would be Raven saying he couldn't make it for whatever reason God had dropped on his feet and I wouldn't mind at all. Perhaps this wasn't the perfect time and this definitely wasn't the perfect place. There wasn't a lot of people around but words spread like wildfire in this place since everyone just knew about everyone. I had goosebumps just imagining my mother's wrath. I always abided the laws and followed the rules but my mother's no-boyfriend-until-I-finish-college rule was the only one I couldn't seem to follow.

I opened the message and read Raven's text.

Going somewhere?

I thought the world just stopped and I froze with it, my eyes glued to his words that I couldn't understand it at first. But it didn't take long before it all made sense to me. He was nearby. He was watching me. He was there with me and there was no escaping him. I probably should have left without reading that damn text and I could've freely gotten away. But it was too late now.

I knew I shouldn't but my stupid reflexes made me look up and around, all the while hoping this was just a nightmare that I only had to wake up from. But, apparently, that wasn't the case. There, sitting by the bench at the other side of the road, I found Raven Maude.

Our eyes met and I recognized him in an instant. He was sitting between two other boys, one I knew from my elementary days and the other one I knew when he once pursued one of my village friends. The other people around us were just passing by. There was no mistaking it. Raven was the only one I didn't know and had never seen in my entire life and he was facing right back at me, his eyes completely disappearing into thin lines as the corners of his mouth lifting up into a big, goofy smile.

I never could have pictured him out but I knew his features definitely fitted the Raven that I knew on the phone. His jet black hair was thick and playfully disheveled, giving him that carefree vibe I had always felt in him. His skin was dark but I didn't know if it was natural that way or a mere consequence of his incessant basketball games. He was wearing a simple t-shirt and basketball shorts but he stood out from the two others that I immediately forgot they were there, with his vibrant smile contagious enough to make the leaves turn even greener and the sky even bluer even when the sun was about to descend. He was definitely a sight I couldn't peel my eyes away from.

I staggered backwards as I watched him stand up and start walking towards me, my heart pumping so hard I could hear its pulsations in the open air. My mind was telling me to run and just hide somewhere, anywhere but there, but I remained frozen on the ground, my eyes glued to the boy I never once imagined storming into my life and taking my breath away, literally. But there he was in actual flesh! Raven crossed the road and stopped right in front of me, hovering over my meek posture, which probably looked like a melting candle, by the way, and still giving me that ludicrously beautiful smile.

"Raven says hi," he said, casually pointing towards his friends.

I stifled my laughter but a smile broke out. "You can't fool me," I said, peeking at the beaming faces of the other teenagers across the road. "I know those two." I was confident that I knew them but even I thought I sounded unsure. Raven towered me for about five to six inches and he stood so close to me that I could smell his heavenly scent. He wasn't reeking of perfume, though. Raven had that clean, fresh scent on his clothes as if they just came out of laundry. I really liked it.

As I stared at him, I couldn't help but notice the slight stubble on his chin and the thin hair growing above his upper lips. He also had blemishes on his face like the rest of the teenage boys who shuddered at the mere mention of skincare routines, but Raven definitely had those rugged good looks. I also liked that slight hump on the dorsal bridge of his nose, which would add a nice detail to a sketch, and his deep, piercing eyes that easily disappeared when he smiled.

He chuckled as he ran his fingers through his hair, making me breathe a sigh. "Well, it's a shame,"—he sighed— "that you seem to know everybody but me." Raven's lips remained curled up in a smile but it didn't seem to quite reach his eyes anymore.

"You know I don't go out that much," I said in a low voice and pulled my gaze down to my feet as if they were the most interesting thing in the world at the moment. I talked a lot over the phone but I couldn't seem to find the right words to say to him in person, and it also didn't help that other thoughts plagued my head like how worried I was that other people might see me with Raven and spread horrible gossips about me and how bothered I was about looking fat in my loose t-shirt.

"It's too bad that I didn't get to introduce myself to you sooner," he said softly. "But I'm really glad we've met, Kiera."

The warmth in his voice urged me to look up and meet his gaze. It's a relief to see that he was still beaming at me and that he seemed sincere about what he just said, which caused even more discomfort to my chest, by the way. He seemed friendly and modest but he also had that confident stance in the way he handled himself. Unlike me, who mostly regretted everything that came out of my mouth, Raven didn't seem to have a problem speaking his mind. In my futile attempt to match his confidence, I murmured, "Me too," and immediately looked away before I could catch any reaction from his face. He chuckled and I thought I'd die of humiliation. Damnit, Kiera! Get hold of yourself! "I-I think I have to go..."

He tilted his head to the side to catch my eyes and asked, "Already?"

I nodded and gave him an apologetic smile. "I really have to. My family's probably looking for me already." It was a big lie. My father's not home most of the time and God only knew where he went, my sister was probably still glued to her phone that she wouldn't notice I even went out, and our housekeeper had so many chores to finish at home that she wouldn't really mind about me at all.

"I'll walk you home, then."

"No!" I cried, trying very hard not to imagine my relatives' faces when they found me walking alongside him. "I mean," I swallowed hard, "I can go home by myself, Raven. There's really no need to trouble yourself. My house is not that far, anyway," I said in haste and tried to mask my restlessness with a laugh, but I probably over-exerted myself that Raven looked at me in a funny way.

He thought for a while and said, "I insist, Kiera."

I shook my head and begged him with my eyes. "No, you don't have to, Raven..."

If it were possible, Raven's smile even widened. "I believe I do."

Just great! I slowly backed away and widened the space between us, testing the waters. He took a step forward. I took another step backwards. He followed. "Really, I can just go..."

He gently swung his one hand towards the road as if to pave the way for me, his smile never leaving him.

I grunted. "Raven..."

"Kiera..."

His voice just made my heart beat even more erratically. Raven chuckled and it was a sound that really unnerved me. His mere presence unnerved me. I had never felt this intense feeling of mixed fear and euphoria ever before. I was wrong. Raven Maude was not a breath of fresh air nor a calm breeze. He was a hurricane that destroyed everything in its path. Excitement. Trouble. Even danger. That was how I felt at the moment with him. I wanted to run away but he seemed to be intent on following me. And I thought I had gone completely crazy because I somehow felt pleased with that.

The jorney home was intense—for me, at least. I felt like a criminal evading the authorities as I walked past the array of houses that belonged to my relatives, all the while immensed in the conflicting feelings that came with knowing that Raven was only ten steps behind me. I was glad that he didn't come any nearer. It was such a relief that he was perceptive enough to realize my wishes or perhaps my anxiety of being seen with a boy without a chaperone—and even if I had one, really—was all written in my face. I was merely walking but I believed my heart had survived a marathon.

We arrived at my place in no time at all and I couldn't decide if I liked that very much. Despite the stress I had just endured, I thought I enjoyed Raven's presence. We barely talked to each other but his heavy, intense gazes, which I returned in a rather awkward set of stares that would make one think I needed to go to the toilet, were enough to fill the silence. It didn't sound very enjoyable—and it probably wasn't—but I liked seeing him. I wanted to see him. That I just realized. And now that I saw him, I just wanted to see more of him. I liked everything I saw in him. His carefree smile that reached his eyes was, so far, the best thing about him and I wanted to discover more things about him...things that made up one Raven Maude.

We stood next to each other in front of my house's wooden gate, a decent distance separating us. He slid his hands under the side pockets of his shorts and glanced sideways before he looked at me. "You should go inside now while the coast is clear," he said with a sly smile. Perceptive, indeed.

"Y-Yeah, I was just about to," I said and started to walk. "So, uh..." I stopped and braved a glance at him. "Bye, I think."

His smile widened. "Goodbye, Kiera. I'll see you around."

The heat of his stare was burning me that I had to drop my eyes from his. "Yeah, I'll see you when I see you," I said, remembering his words to me a week ago.

He chuckled. "Oh, I'll see you, Kiera," he said. And it sounded just like a promise.

[kimmiherself]

CHAPTER TWO: THE BEGINNING

It was almost the end of the first half of the school year. Examinations were coming up. Projects piling up. As the editor-in-chief, I still hadn't finished working on our school paper, which was almost due for release. School activities were also lining up, waiting to be planned. To my friends' distaste, I also became the president of our student organization. We all knew I wasn't the best candidate for the position, but I won anyway. My small group of friends at school thought I was kind of immature and way too emotional—definitely a cry-baby—to handle a responsibility as big as that, considering I had to lead the entire high school. Well, I didn't believe I was immature but I had to agree I was a little sensitive, but the points to my grades mattered so much to me that I couldn't care less.

It was barely noon and my morning classes weren't finished yet, but there I was, lying uncomfortably in one of the beds in the school clinic, bothered by both the warm compress the nurse laid over my lower abdomen and the pain it was trying to relieve. I loathed the cramps that came with the monthly visits. When your stomach felt like it was being twisted into knots and being squeezed out of its life, it could do more than dampen one's day. But if I were to look at more tasks left unticked in my notepad, I'd rather embrace the physical pain and thank the heavens for the blessing in disguise. I badly needed the break.

The pain had been coming and going for the last hour but it sure was becoming more and more bearable each passing minute. And I was starting to get bored too. I tried sleeping but it wasn't working at all so I settled with fiddling with the mobile device in my hands. It wasn't the hottest cellphone in the market but it was a gift from my father and was better than most of my classmates'. It had a built-in camera that I barely used. I tried taking photos of myself in private a couple of times but I never learned to like any of them. In fact, I cringed at those horrible selfies. I filled my gallery with girlish wallpapers and cute GIFs instead. It also didn't have an MP3 player like the very high-end ones but it had ringtones of some of my favorite love songs, enough to entertain me.

But that day it seemed like nothing was working for me. I went to check my inbox for unread messages. There was none. I scanned through them and found Matthew's long list of sweet messages that I'd like to read over and over again, along with some inspirational quotes from my friends. One text caught my attention, though. It simply said hello but it lacked the appropriate punctuation mark and the first letter wasn't even capitalized. Coming from an unknown number, it was weird that I hadn't deleted it yet. I knew texts needed not to have proper structure and grammar but I still preferred it that way. Matthew didn't have a problem with that since he was also as particular as me in that department.

I'd barely respond to unknown numbers, especially if their texts looked stupid and offensive to my eyes—grammar-wise, that was why I was so surprised with myself when I typed, "I don't usually talk to strangers, but who are you?" and sent it back to that unknown number.

I really wasn't expecting anything from that number and started sending Matthew some messages next. I missed talking to him. He mostly never responded to my messages and I couldn't even call him. I'd hate to take so much of his time that I hardly ever called and I especially hated it when the calls got rejected. Aside from having a hectic schedule, Matthew needed money and he couldn't always afford to buy prepaid load for his phone. And I understood that. I just really missed him. When I bought him prepaid load one time, it just didn't end well for me. I probably even offended him. So I learned to wait...and wait.

My phone suddenly chimed.

1 new message received flashed on my screen.

I readjusted my back so I could settle comfortably and quickly pressed the ok button, hoping to see Matthew's reply.

It wasn't his.

"Not a stranger, just Raven Maude," I read the text from the unknown number. Scrunching my nose, I typed, "I'll decide on that," and paused, thinking where I heard that name. "Well, I know one Maude. Her name's Cathy." We didn't go to the same high school but Cathy's from my village and everyone around there seemed to just know each other. One of my friends from the village had a crush on her too so whenever we met, she was almost always part of our conversations.

I barely waited when my phone chimed again. Surely, it was from the stranger. It said, "She's actually my little sister. Jeje..."

I cringed at the last part of his text. Emojis weren't a thing yet in 2007 so you really had to spell out your laughs in texts, but I preferred h for haha or hehe over their j counterparts. The latter bothered me a lot. Wait...did he just say she was his sister? "Huh," I puffed out. He just pointed out two things. One, he couldn't be a total stranger when I knew one of his kin. Two, I was a moron thinking I knew everyone in my village.

I tried to picture him out in my head. Although petite, Cathy was pretty good-looking so he couldn't have deviated that far if they were truly siblings. Then I remembered there was one time, a few years ago, some of those kids in the village talked about Cathy's brother, whose name I didn't even care to know, and they giggled as they did so. I was curious for like five seconds and went on with my life. I never even got to see his face. It's weird how we never bumped into each other in the village until now.

"Really? Small world," I started typing my reply. "By the way, where did you get my number?" I asked, not at all amused that someone shared my personal information without my permission.

He said it was Marie, another common friend of ours from the village. "I saw you with her and your other friends in the plaza a few weeks ago. I asked her for your number. I hope you don't mind...with your aversion to strangers and all."

I rolled my eyes but decided to let go of that comment. Indeed, there was a recent community event in the village square and I was invited by Marie and her group to perform one dance with them. I hadn't caught on the steps yet and I was lucky the lights went out and didn't get to perform in the end. It sure would be embarrassing especially now that I learned there was someone behind those throng of expectators whose eyes were on me for at least a moment.

"It's fine. You're only half a stranger after all," I said, without fully meaning it. I looked at his first message once again and realized it had been sitting there on my phone for a few weeks now. I wondered if he thought I was a snob. Not that it mattered. I knew this was just a hi-and-bye encounter, just two people who belonged to the same community nodding at each other's way to acknowledge their existence.

My phone chimed yet again. "Good. Now we're friends."

********************************************

Raven didn't warn me how clingy he was for a friend. We sent each other messages more than friends usually did—at least, more than I texted my friends. We easily got past awkward introductions and dove right into casual conversations that had started to become a routine. Mornings started with greetings and ended with, "Have you had your lunch yet?" Nights were filled with a cannonade of questions about each other and always ended with either a good-night or a sleep-well.

I knew it was unfair of me to compare Matthew with Raven but I couldn't help but wonder how amazing it would be if my boyfriend showed me as much attention as Raven did. I sighed, reminding myself that Matthew was not just a college student but also a part-time employee of a fastfood chain, which implied he had way more important things to do than waste time on his phone. Besides, he asked me to give him time and wait for us to be together; I shouldn't be feeling resentful. But talking to Raven had been a pleasant experience and, though I still missed my boyfriend, my nights had started to become less lonely than they used to be.

By the end of the week, I learned that Raven was a freshman in college in the same city as Matt's. He wanted to become either a civil engineer or a seafarer but, by his mother's persuasion, ended up taking a two-year course in Hotel and Restaurant Management. He said his mother thought his aim was too high. He didn't graduate at the top of his class in high school but he wasn't dumb either. It's a shame he didn't even get to try it out.

I learned that Raven didn't have a favorite color and that was weird. Who didn't have a favorite color? Like even the slightest bias to one or two? Raven just didn't think it mattered. He liked playing the guitar, though. In fact, he just bought one, out of his savings from his school allowance and other sidelines. He didn't mention he worked part-time so I wondered what those were.

Raven also talked about basketball, saying it's that one thing he really was passionate about. I knew nothing about it and thought it was crazy to go home almost every weekend for a game or two. Basketball leagues, according to him, topped the sports activities in our district. Leagues were hosted everywhere and Raven and his team wouldn't dare miss one. He even mentioned he would've been in the seminary already instead of his current school if that one big game didn't fall on the same day as his departure. It appalled me how he could just easily make big decisions and outright change plans just to suit his schedule. It was so not my cup of tea.

"It's funny, you know," Raven said once over the phone.

"What?"

"That you say you've never seen me when we've had several encounters already."

That piqued my curiosity. "Really? I don't recall ever meeting you."

"No, you haven't," he said. "But when you were little—we were little, I used to see you with your uncle all the time in their farm. I'm friends with his nephews, you know."

"Really?" I gasped. I hoped he didn't catch me in those moments when I was stuffing my mouth with so much fruit that I could barely chew them, because the food was all the reason why I stuck around my uncle and their family's farm. But who could resist fruits, right, especially my favorites, Durian and Rambutan?

"And we also used to play basketball in front of your house. There's like a makeshift basketball ring there, if you haven't noticed. Whenever you came home from your school, you would just walk right in front of us—with that gigantic luggage you call your school bag, your head always down, never looking at anyone."

That made me chuckle. "I'm sorry I'm such a snob," I replied, feigning remorse. "I'm just not comfortable walking through a crowd." A crowd of boys, especially. I just tried to be as invisible as I could be. I knew I would just embarrass myself like tripping over or something if I knew someone was looking at me. I just knew it. Yes, I was a dancer and I performed on stage with enough confidence and grace, but as soon as the performance ended, I quickly went back to being shy, awkward, and clumsy.

"It's funny how you squirmed whenever the ball rolled towards your feet," he said with a laugh.

"It's called a reflex, Raven!" I exclaimed, shuddering at the recollection. I didn't have any phobia with balls but I couldn't help but picture my impending demise whenever it came near me, considering my rather inept ability of handling surprises. I just knew that a time would come when I'd finally trip over that evil orb and fall down on my knees, my white skirt uniform flying over my head and showing my bum, and everyone would just laugh at me. I shuddered at the thought. "Everything would be fine as long as the ball and I kept our distance from each other," I whispered to myself.

Raven didn't seem to hear that. "You never noticed how the world would seem to stop whenever you walked past us, do you?"

I snorted, but I felt the heat creep up my cheeks. "Now you're just being silly, Mr. Raven Maude!"

"Seriously, Kier..." My name just sounded a little strange coming from him. But not in a creepy way. It just sounded a little soft and sweet and it made me feel a little warm and fuzzy. Great! I rolled my eyes at the thought. "A lot of boys like you, Kiera." He paused then added, "But we all know you're like the stars...twinkling at us from up the sky but impossible to reach."

"Yeah, right..." I chuckled nervously, pushing away the thoughts that came flooding with the we and us from his last statement. "You're just exagerrating things, Raven, because that's not probable. They don't even know me and, mind you, no one has ever asked me out." Even at school, no one really shows interest in me...well, except for Aaron, but he's already moved on to the next girl.

"That's the thing, Kier. You're different from the rest of the girls. Everyone knows you're that pretty, smart, and talented girl—who barely comes down from her castle to mingle with us, commoners," he paused to chuckle. "But no one really knows you. You're like a mystery waiting to be solved," he continued, causing tiny drums to start playing inside my chest. "But everyone's scared of the unknown, so..."

"So everyone's scared of me?" I said, laughing.

He laughed too, then paused for a while before saying, "I'm not."

I didn't know when or how but those tiny drums were now accompanied by other instruments that my chest had morphed into a grand venue for an elaborate orchestra. And it was overwhelming. Too overwhelming that I started to feel nauseated. What am I doing? I didn't know if it could be called flirting but Raven and I were becoming more than casual friends. And this most definitely wasn't a hi-and-bye encounter! I realized I had been responding to his messages all too eagerly and began looking forward to those everytime my phone beeped. I also didn't have a problem answering to his phone calls even at school. I knew Matthew wouldn't be too thrilled about this new friend of mine, especially if he knew he never really surfaced in our conversations. I was a terrible liar and I wouldn't deliberately lie. It's just that Raven never asked me about having a boyfriend. And I never did ask him too. A girlfriend, I meant. I didn't ask him if he had a girlfriend. We were just being friendly to each other and there was no harm in that. And I thought it was probably just me and my obsession with love stories that I had started thinking about a budding romance between the two of us. I was probably just reading too much into things.

********************************************

Semestral break was now days ahead, just the breather that I needed. Examinations were almost done and there I was with the group of dancers at my school, practicing for our presentation to be showcased during the opening of the week-long inter-school sports competition for next month. Dancing was what I loved, next to reading books and sketching portraits. I'd easily get lost to music and beautiful movements. It made me feel free. And nothing was more freeing than dancing contemporary under a new choreographer for the event, which was a challenge that my group and I accepted wholeheartedly. Plus, I couldn't play sports. I was clumsy that I'd either miss serving a volleyball or get hit in the face with a basketball. The only way I could get those points from sports events was through cheering and dancing.

When we had had enough pirouettes and toe touch jumps, my friends and I slumped into the floor to rest. "I can't wait for the semestral break," most of them murmured. I also looked forward to creeping into my bed without body aches and waking up without a worry in the world. Just as my heartbeat started slowing down from racing and my sweats stopped pouring, my cellphone rang.

I turned rigid. I didn't have many people calling me. There's just my mom, actually. Matthew barely even texted. And there's...Raven.

My heart raced once again as I rummaged through my bag to look for my phone. When I finally found it, he really didn't disappoint. I ran outside the room to answer his call, my friends' curious eyes on me.

"Hi," I said through ragged breaths. When I realized Raven and I had been constantly on the phone to text each other, I tried to pull back and refocused my attention to school and Matthew. I hadn't heard from him for a while and this was so unexpected it kind of made me all flushed. I tried to sound a little less excited but I couldn't help my lips from twitching into a full-blown smile.

"Hello, Kiera..." he answered, his voice just as rasped and as sweet as I remembered it. It was weird that I could imagine him smiling behind that voice. And I hadn't even seen him yet. "Where are you?"

"School," I answered shortly.

"Isn't it your semestral break already?" he asked, his voice still making me feel all the fuzzy feelings I first had with Matthew.

I shook my head but felt stupid for doing it over the phone. "Not yet. I still have a couple of days or so. Why do you ask?"

I heard him chuckle. "I'm going home, Kier."

"Y-Yeah?" I murmured, my heart now beating erratically. I didn't know why but the thought of this person, whom I had shared a lot of conversations with over the phone for the last few weeks, coming home and probably wanting to see me felt like a really bad idea but one I still wanted to succumb to. "So you're done with your first semester in college?"

"Absolutely, maam," he said in a more playful tone. "And I can't wait to go home..."

He dragged his last word that I thought he still had something else to say, but there was nothing. I was glad our conversations still remained completely platonic and innocent. "That's great, Rave. Congratulations!"

"Thanks!" I imagined him grinning as he said that.

"So when is this great homecoming?"

He chuckled. "Soon," he said. "I'll see you when I see you."

I laughed too. "Sure," I answered. "I'll see you when I see you too."

The call didn't last long. He only wanted to say he was coming home and it left me feeling weak on the knees. I was scared of seeing him, of fully realizing that he was a real person and not just a figment of my imagination...and that I had been entertaining someone else, even if it was hardly romantic, behind Matthew's back. My excitement died down a little.

I went back to the room, my head still wrapped up around Raven's impending homecoming. I didn't realize what my face looked like until André, my gay best friend, shot me a curious look and asked, "What's with that grinning face? It's annoying!" I went to him and slumped giddily beside him. "Who was that?"

"Matthew..." I answered with a slight shrug of my shoulders.

"Uh-huh? If you say so," he said, his eyes still pierced on mine, telling me what a terrible liar I was.

Nobody knew about Raven because I didn't want my friends telling me that what I was doing was wrong especially when there was really nothing between Raven and I. I knew they wouldn't believe that. Even I have my doubts too. But Raven and I never crossed a line, which was what really mattered, and his presence in my life was a breath of fresh air I didn't realize I was craving so much. And again, I might have been just imagining things that weren't really there. Raven was a college student who probably had a lot of beautiful college girls flocking around him. He might even have a girlfriend waiting for him too. I just knew him through our text messages and calls but I didn't really know him that much. I was stupid to think of anything other than a platonic relationship between us but it also somehow felt disappointing, which scared me a lot because that would be validating I somehow felt something for him. Even just a little. And it would crush Matthew.

Oh, Matthew...

I had never been more guilty in my life.

[kimmiherself]

CHAPTER ONE: THE BOYFRIEND

I knew I wasn't crazy but I could be a little control freak and a tad bit obsessive-compulsive at times. I had a tendency to get anxious if things around me weren't organized. I couldn't ask the world to keep it that way for me but I could control my environment. I always kept my bedroom clean and in order, with all my books and stationaries piled up neatly on my side table, my dresser a display of beautiful things I had collected over the years—cute buttons, old jewelries, broken pearls and other beads, a ballpen with green feathers attached to one side and a matching notebook that was my diary, along with the array of headbands and hairclips, as well as my hygiene products, while every other nook of my bedroom—even the ceiling—showcased my collections of stuffed toys and every other cute and green thing that matched the mint-colored walls and linens. I didn't have much but I had decent clothes that consisted mostly of t-shirts and pants—I never liked to wear anything without a sleeve. I'd pile them up neatly in my closet, with the width of the folds always uniform and parallel to each other. I always kept everything in order and I would immediately notice if something had been moved or wasn't in its place. That's just who I was. Things should be planned. Things should be organized. And it was frustrating whenever things didn't go my way.

But there were things that I didn't plan but surprised me, anyway. Like meeting my boyfriend, Matthew.

I first met him at an inter-school event. I was in second year of high school and he was in his last. We both went to private schools  but in different districts. When our schools decided to work together for a radio broadcasting competition, I had to team up with Matt's group for a few days before the actual event and literally holed up in one room with the group for another day or two during the actual event, which was hosted in another school.

He barely caught my eyes at first. Meeting new people was awkward and a little difficult for me. I mostly kept to myself and only talked if asked to. Until I noticed those little giggles erupting around me and the looks the other members of the group shot each other, which was becoming more and more distracting each day. This guy, the group's leader, would just shrug it off. When our eyes met one time, he gave me an apologetic smile, which only brought more giggles from the others. I froze and, suddenly, became very self-conscious. I didn't want to assume but I believed the group was teasing him about me, which brought out conflicting feelings from within me.

I always tried to look neat and presentable, as if I had a mother doing that for me just as how my friends' mothers seemed to be doing to their kids, but that didn't mean I was confident to say I was pretty. Honestly, I believed I looked at least average. My long, straight hair was a product of my yearly visit to the salon. I hated every wave and curl of my hair so I kept them straight by acquiring the magical services of hairdressers. My face was too simple that it wouldn't stand out in the crowd. My eyes too large. My lips too full. My height average. I also hadn't shed most of the baby fats in my midsection and it was one thing I really disliked about myself. Well, to keep the points even, my skin was naturally fair. It just wasn't as fair as Kendra's—the person I'd hate to compare myself with the most.

Kendra topped the long list of girls at school who had brought up my insecurities. People claimed she was the prettiest. Her skin the fairest. Her face the most angelic. Her voice could even summon the angels if she'd like. Her dance the most graceful. Her body a perfect structure. And when I knew some boy I had a crush on liked her first, I flipped. I claimed not to mind but I did. I kind of felt embarrassed to sit next to her. She was a year younger than I was but we mostly ended up performing in various events together. There was one time I was called to become one of her back-up dancers during a competition and it really irked me. For days, I wondered how nice it would be to switch places with her. I believed I was the better dancer. I couldn't sing, though. And she really was beautiful—I paled in comparison to her. But the thought was a bitter pill to swallow. I kind of hated her for being too perfect. Kendra really brought out the worst in me, and she didn't even know.

Someone liking me was both confusing and unbelievable to me. There was only one boy who openly showed his feelings to me, and sure I liked him too. For a while, I was obsessed with him and of our budding friendship. But the moment someone made a comment about me growing taller and bigger than he was, my feelings died out like a candle blown. And he liked Kendra first. Like most boys in school did. It just also didn't sit well with me to become someone's consolation prize because he didn't win the grand prize. Aaron was a good guy, though. My insecurities just gnawed on me.

Matthew's appearance to my life was unexpected but pleasant. The teasing during the competition even intensified when Matthew called my name during script-reading instead of someone else's. Suddenly, I was hyperaware of his presence. I knew where he was in the room without looking. I anticipated hearing his voice during practices. And I had become exceedingly conscious of myself when he was there. I realized how magnetic his eyes were behind those thin slits and how sheepish his smile was. And it unnerved me whenever he chose to throw that smile at me. When the actual competition came, he stood next to me and it was the closest he ever was with me during the entire event. We never talked, though. We only ever had our timid stares whenever our eyes met.

While we never talked during those first few days, we spent months and months of talking through the phone during the duration of our relationship. It started with friendly chats and warm conversations. He would always throw compliments at me and say he was very lucky I was giving him any attention. I felt luckier. I never knew having someone to listen to all my internal dialogues was that satisfying. The constant communication bound us together despite the aching distance. He wrote the most romantic messages and the most heartfelt promises that I fell in love with him almost instantly. He was pretty poetic but always sounded so mature. He took up Mass Communication in college and I thought it suited him best. Matt had his way with words...and words were all we had for each other.

For almost two years of being together, we had only met four times. The first time was during the earliest part of our relationship. There was an event at school and he surprised me by visiting. I ruined that when I just screamed upon seeing him and ran home. I literally ran away, dragging one of my friends with me. It took only a second and I was gone.

The second was unexpected. My mother had to process some documents in the city for her flight back to work. My sister and I went looking for a copier machine and, lo and behold, Matt was standing in the middle of a busy alley, his gaze locked on mine. Everything around us seemed to move in slow motion as I stared back at him, my heart beating erratically. I couldn't even remember if we talked. The fear of having us found out by my parents superseded my excitement so, again, I rushed away as fast as possible.

The third time we met lasted about thirty minutes. We had our first date. A really short one, though. I snuck away from our school event to meet him at lunch. It wasn't even a real lunch, but I couldn't care less. Finally, I was with him. I had been wanting to see him for what seemed like forever. While we talked endlessly on the phone, we barely did in real life. I was shy, awkward, and couldn't even mutter a word without stuttering. I had been trying to write our love story that time and I wanted him to read it. I was hesitant at first but he was already so curious that he had to read it. I watched his lips twitch a few times as his eyes scanned my words, and I felt the contents of my stomach trying to come back up. It was embarrassing. I didn't know what he thought about it but seeing him smile somehow calmed my nerves. It was the shortest date ever that one could hardly call it a date. But he was sweet and a real gentleman too. He never even touched my hand, which I had been hoping he would. I wanted to hold him...to feel he was there. Like he was real. Like what we had was real. It was weird how close it felt we were on the phone but how distant we actually were in real life. I started thinking about the reality of it all. Was I just hallucinating things? Did he really love me back? I started to doubt everything.

The fourth time we met was in the city. I had to attend to an overnight school activity and the morning after I had to sneak away to see him. No one knew about it. The sun had just been up and I had to see him in my pajamas for I was still waiting for my turn in the bathroom. We met outside the dormitory my group was staying at and sat on a bench nearby. I had started wearing my prescription glasses by that time and regretted doing so when he asked me about it. I probably looked hideous. I hadn't even taken my bath yet. Everything that morning just made me feel so embarrassed once again. We were together for like ten minutes, with me just squirming in my seat as he looked at me. Again, I couldn't remember what we talked about—if we ever did, but I remembered him taking off his black rubber bracelet that had a knot in the middle and slid it up my wrist. "To remind you of me," he said. As if he ever left my mind. The slight grazing of his skin over mine was enough to make me dizzy and it didn't help that my heart was pumping like crazy. He left shortly after that, seeing we both had full days waiting for us. And when he waved his final goodbye, he said he loved me.

I loved him too.

But being Matthew's girlfriend wasn't entirely easy. As a matter of fact, it was too difficult and too complicated that I always found myself crying at night. It was because of this relationship that I met loneliness and learned it was a terrible companion.

Being in college and living in the city away from his family hadn't always been easy for Matthew. He had dreams and he had been doing his best to achieve them, even if it meant he had to take part-time jobs here and there just to support his education. He was always responsible and I never knew anyone who worked as hard he did. Even in high school, he already part-timed as a radio DJ. I was very proud of him. He inspired me to work very hard myself so I could reach my dreams too, although him working that hard meant our relationship would be put to the least of his priorities. I knew I mattered to him...he just didn't have the time for me yet.

And it left me wrecked. He had broken up with me multiple times that I lost count already. He told me he couldn't keep a relationship while life was beating the hell out of him and added I was too young and too naive to even understand. But he couldn't seem to leave me alone for long too. It was that uncertainty that kept me awake at night. He said he loved me even after dumping me. He said I'd just have to hold on and wait for him to be ready. He said we'd be together once I finished high school—he let me promise that one. Matt said I'd just have to be patient.

Then he would disappear for weeks.

Those days were torture to me.

Loneliness started eating me. I'd wake up feeling nothing and I would go to bed feeling like the world just crashed on my shoulders. There were days I'd wreck everything in my bedroom and I'd snap at anyone who tried to come near me. There were days that I hated everyone, even my friends at school, and just holed up in the library after class. But mostly, I'd cry myself to sleep. And it didn't help that every song on the radio seemed to mock me. Then I'd start feeling like sleeping and never wanting to wake up.

I tried to forget him and focused all my attention to school, and it became an obsession. When mother was talking about possible universities and colleges for me, she mentioned I could go to the country's capital and study there. But flying across the country, stretching the distance between Matt and I into thousands and thousands of kilometers, wasn't an option for me. Despite the uncertainties and the heartaches, I'd rather be near him, like a moth ever so tempted to embrace the flame.

There was only one college for me. My brother said it was one of the best and it was in the same city as Matt's. I wasn't actually looking forward to become a nurse but I also didn't have anything I particularly liked at the moment. I was merely following my brother's footsteps and it didn't sound so bad at all. But to get to that college, I would have to ensure my scholarship that promised a hundred percent off the tuition fee, even though I never once had been pressured by my family about it. I just didn't want to add to my mother's burden and it also made me feel good to study at a college with the word best attached to it. So I had been studying really hard and I had also been joining all the extra-curricular activities that would hopefully earn me points and help me graduate at the top of my class. For a while, it took my mind off my broken heart.

But, as I said, Matthew couldn't leave me alone for long. He would pop right back up when I had started getting used to his absence. It was becoming exhausting but I couldn't seem to let go of him too, so I'd jump back again to this vicious cycle.

Five months and I'd be off to college. Matthew and I had gotten back together and jumpstarted our relationship once again. It was as exhausting as ever but the thought of seeing him at the end of this waiting game was enough to keep me going. Matthew had becoming more and more distant and inattentive each passing day but I believed he was just really busy tossing himself between school and work that he could hardly find the time to check his phone. Still, I couldn't help but wallow in his absence. He even forgot about my birthday and it crushed me so hard. He promised he'd see me but it never happened. I tried getting his attention though, but it was worthless. I only looked like a clingy, immature, whining little girl who couldn't wait to get her candy.

I knew I'd been really annoying but Matt was still sweet and kind with his words whenever he found the time to check up on me. "You know you're my sunshine, right?" he asked once, in between my silly attempts of getting his attention. I didn't actually know how he had been doing and it made me feel guilty. I hoped I'd brought him more happiness than headaches. "We'll be together soon. You just have to wait," he always said. And those were the words I held on to.

Soon.

Very soon.

[kimmiherself]

PROLOGUE

Whoever said that the only constant thing in this world was change had it completely right.

At one moment, a tiny leaf sprouts. From one small, delicate curl, it unfolds and grows until it reaches the peak of its size. Its blades spring a vigorous form and boasts a vibrant green color. But only for a specific period of time. It then fades into a darker, desolate hue like that of the sky when the sun sets at dusk and its frame crumples like an old man crouching in the cold, silently turning thin and brittle. In the end, it withers and falls to the ground. That's how life changes. Following a linear path. Expected. Certain.

But life is complicated and so do changes.

There are changes that weigh heavier than the others and come in moments expected and otherwise. Some changes, like those in scientific experiments, may have low probabality indices that we tend to ignore them at the very beginning, only to catch us completely off guard when they blow up in our faces.

Those changes...I hated. So I planned. I mapped out my life like that of a leaf. In linear, expected, and certain path. I was only a teenager but I already knew where life would take me...if only I followed my notes.

I grew up mostly alone. Not literally alone but it felt like it. My mother had been working overseas for almost as long as I lived, while my father was a bubble that would appear and pop whenever he liked. Physically and emotionally. Though I had siblings, it didn't help the growing space that had enclosed me, as if I was a hamster placed inside a ball.

My siblings and I grew up both close and distant to each other. We adored each other but there were things we ended up keeping to ourselves. With my big brother, it was because of the age gap. As soon as I became a teenager, he went to college. With my little sister, it was because we grew up a house apart. She lived with my grandparents while I lived separately with a housekeeper for a while. We reunited when I was in my second year in high school, though.

But I already got used to being alone. I liked the peace and security it brought me. I had my inner voice to constantly bicker with and the infinite dialogues—or monologues—I had with myself were enough to entertain me. I talked about life. Of love. Of every little thing that I thought mattered in this world.

By that, people would think I was pathetic, lonely, and probably schizophrenic—but no, I already inquired the books and self-diagnosed that I wasn't that crazy and I also hadn't succumb to depression. I had few friends that meant so much to me. I enjoyed their presence but I also enjoyed my time alone. I would easily get lost reading books, listening to music, and daydreaming. Eversince I was a kid, I had always been in love with stories. I'd read every story my hands could get hold of. From English textbooks to romantic pocketbooks. From old poems that had Thous and 'Tisses to them to the wonders of Greek Mythology. With my radio constantly playing in the background, the stories came to life. I read and daydreamed at the same time. In my head, I was living the lives of the characters, and every joy and every pain a character felt, I felt. I lived my life thinking I was a character in a story, believeing that every event in my life would somehow lead to something in one of the succeeding chapters and every character I met would somehow impact my life one way or another.

But I was more romantically inclined, so with every cute boy I met, I didn't just have a crush on. I would automatically daydream the greatest love story that would unfold between us. From meeting as kids, falling in love as teens, meeting a little hiccup as we'd go our separate ways to reach our dreams and become successful adults, to meeting once again, reawakening the love that was never lost but only forgotten, getting into conflicts and experiencing excruciating heartaches, and closing the story with a sweet, memorable wedding after realizing we're fated to be together despite all odds. That's how the teenager me plotted my love story.

And the rest of the world seemed to conspire to make my plans push through. I was in my last year in high school and, as planned, was the running valedictorian, which automatically earned me the best scholarship at the only college institution I applied to. It was a pretty expensive school but it had a reputation of being one of the best nursing schools in the country as it always produced topnotchers during licensure examinations. It stood in one of the country's beautiful cities, which was only a two-hour drive from the small village I grew up in. I needed to get into that college and since I didn't want to burden my mother even further for she was already working so hard for my siblings and I, graduating at the top of my class was the only way I could make things work.

The promising education wasn't the only reason of my obsession to get into that school. There, only a hundred kilometers away, my boyfriend waited. He was already in college and I had been waiting to be with him for what seemed like forever. Well, it had only been one year and eleven months. The waiting had been difficult and frustrating for me but I was graduating in five months and everything would be worth it in the end.

I'd secured a promising future with my scholarship at a reputable college as the key and I'd also secured a beautiful love story that I believed was worth sharing to the world in the future, when our hairs were grey and our wrinkled hands still held each other's.

Or so I thought.

Like a failed science experiment, it blew up in my face.