kipixxx44 - Tumblr blog

[kipixxx44]

entry 5

7/31

i didn't sleep or eat much and i'm incredibly stoned rn so excuse that.

bligh and i have officially crossed boundaries i did not think we would cross !! i have no idea how to feel so i'm choosing to not feel anything. i'm really not all that tired but i'm gonna try and sleep maybe

nothing rly happened today, not much to update on.

thanks :))

[kipixxx44]

entry 4

7/30

i had a breakdown last night i think, not a bad one but enough to make me upset with myself but i woke up and let it go and now it's not serious anymore. i relapsed

bligh and i are on the phone as i write this. he makes me nervous. not in the bad way. we aren't really platonic (or, good at keeping it that way) and i don't think we're really romantic either, it's like a secret third worse thing. a thing that makes me nervous. a thing that complicates things. he told me that every time he gets close to me i find a way to destroy him which is valid (and true?), i've been told i do that to people and things and situations but it sucks coming from someone you care about, someone you love. i love him in a complicated way. a way that makes me nervous. i don't want to be with him because it's not sustainable, or realistic, his family and my family wouldn't do well together, i wouldn't do well with him, i'm not where i need to be in order to give him what he needs. or deserves, i think is a better way to put it. plus, he's moving. but i don't want to string him along or love him for an allotted amount of time and then he leaves and both of us end up hurt. plus, shit with jj would get really, really messy. complicated. that, once again, makes me nervous.

bligh is probably one of the coolest people i've ever met, no joke. he understands me in a way that freaks me out but i think it's mutual. he's tall and strong and his eyes are pretty and his smile is stupid and it pisses me off in a way that i've found i'm, unsurprisingly, very attracted to. he's creative. that's one of my favorite things about him. he's gonna be an engineer, and a damn good one. he's never not thinking and he's always doing something. skating, photography, guitar, baking, he knows a lot about plants because of his mom, but he's also done just about everything under the sun at least once. like crocheting. he says he sucks at it though. if i had ten bucks for every hobby bligh has had or currently has, i would have, like, a fuck ton of weed money. i didn't mention that bligh is also my smoke buddy. and my sneaking out buddy. and the person i sit with on the bus every day. anything that involves me could also probably involve bligh, we're cool like that. we can just coexist and it's comfortable. "our spot" has been deemed at the elementary school playground on the platform that's the perfect size for both of us to sit without his legs bending weird. (i'm only like, 5'1 for reference--) he has pretty good music taste, i've made him like fifty something playlists (that is an exaggeration) but he only knows about three or four. also, i taught him how to kiss. it was after we made a really good batch of brownies and the red hot chili peppers song my mom slow danced to at her wedding was playing. i hadn't kissed a boy in years. i think about that (him) a lot

i went back to school shopping with my dad today and it sort of turned into a mall trip because he asked me if i wanted clothes. the only thing my father and i ever really bond over is obligation. we do what we gotta do, as he puts it. that, unfortunately, is also all we do. he doesn't get my interests and hobbies and vice versa, we don't agree on most "intellectual conversation topics" so anything deep that could be discussed can and will, without fail, become an argument of some variation because i'm always too sensitive and he's never sensitive enough. so i grasp what i can, which translates into, if we go grocery shopping i can be in your company and you can be in mine and we will just be. and that's nice, i like just being. we haven't gone grocery shopping in a few weeks

i did see joey, though, which was cool. we talked about work and how we're really doing under everything, (he is, as always, "on the verge" and i am over it.) we also talked lots of hypotheticals. how many twelve year olds could we take on in a fight? how much does that number increase if we are armed with a metal bat? you know that big brother thing where they come up to you completely wordlessly, throw punches that would 100% hit you full force if you moved at all and then walk away after almost but not really beating you up? he did that a lot too. i don't see him often anymore but i like that we still have a sibling connection. he gives me really good advice on everything except kaz. that's another thing we talked about. every time the topic is brought up he just says she's a bitch and that he never went through what i did so he can't offer anything i haven't probably already heard. which is fine. i don't expect him to know what to say. kaz flew back in today so now i've fallen back into that weird thing i do where i have anxiety attacks before i go anywhere except therapy and to the park, with bligh

i don't have much else to write about right now so i'm going to cap this here and pick up tomorrow, probably

thanks :)

[kipixxx44]

entry 3

7/29

i was home alone for a large portion of my day meaning i had the time to boil and infuse my tea and clean everything up and get the weed smell out of the kitchen before anyone got home!! so currently i am wrapped in blankets, extremely comfortable, remembering that i have a diary to write in. i ate twice today and stayed under my mentally noted limit which was good. the oatmeal was good. i think i'm gonna start making that recipe more often.

i didn't talk to bligh for most of yesterday and today, i feel bad but i also really hope he takes the hint that i am rethinking having anything going on with him. he's my best friend and i only really have two of those and i don't want to knock that number down to one (she's not very committed anyways) even if that means i don't make him my boyfriend. or whatever it is we'd consider it since both of us aren't really into labels. i value our friendship more than i would ever value anything romantic with him and he knows that, i've told him that, i just have very complicated feelings revolving around him. but he knows that, too.

i didn't hear from jj today, yet. i don't think i will. i hope i do. jj is very cool, in the way that makes you curious. and horny, kind of. she's also very compassionate, but in that "tough love" kind of way, just not with me for some reason. like, i watched her curse out her sister and then pour her a bowl of cereal on facetime and when she looked back at me she smiled in the sweetest way. and then she called me pretty. she's soft for me, or at least soft towards me. jj is also bipolar. so two weeks ago she was making plans to come over, asking me if i could hold her, calling me every night to gap the emotional distance you feel when you really want to see someone but can only text them. and within the past 9 days, i've spoken to her 3 times. each time she spoke maybe 4 sentences tops. so yeah, she sort of went ghost. which honestly has been a test for me, coming out of a bad relationship where if one of us didn't text back for more than two hours the shit would hit the fan. it's given me a lot of time to myself, and i know in the grand scheme of things 9 days isn't a lot of time, but to be in your head for that long is. plus i haven't really been sleeping. or eating, so that means almost no energy. which means i just sit there.

jj is also one of the most beautiful girls i've ever seen in my life, no exaggeration. the whole reason we started talking was because kaz cheated on me with her, and when i first found out it broke me sort of because she was literally everything i wanted to look like. her hair is long and pretty and a nice shade of really warm toned brown and her eyes are breathtaking. i don't even really know what i'd call the color but it's a mix of green and blue and hazel and it's captivating. her dimples are even and her piercing is cute and her smile is contagious. with that being said, she has a very paintable face. i've been trying to get the sketches down so i can slap something on some canvas. unfortunately i haven't drawn an anatomically correct face in such a long time so it's all shit. and i literally do abstract mixed media, so the anatomy doesn't matter too much to begin with since the majority is going to be abstracted in some way but every time i think about her i just want to get every detail right.

i did paint, though. i don't think i like it very much, but it's going towards a project, a mini-series if you'd like to put it that way. i was blasted when i came up with the concepts, so bear with me but essentially it's based around "mind, body, soul" as a prompt. mind referring to consciousness, as well as a higher form of consciousness, body being the physical form and connections to its surroundings, and soul being the individuality of the energies that accompany the physical form. i'm going to separate each of the elements onto different canvases, so they're gonna be a set. lots of bright, flowing colors, acid trip visuals but not too overwhelmingly so, lots of overlap. glitter may eventually be incorporated somehow. i did body today, i'm excited about watching it all come together.

i'm quite tired and i don't really want to leave my room cos it smells like food and i'm really hungry so it's giving me a headache. i think i am going to sleep early.

thank u :)

[kipixxx44]

entry 2

7/28

i have holes in the sleeve cuffs of my hoodies that are just the right size for slipping in my favorite guitar pick to keep it safe. it doesn't fall out when i put it through the wash and they don't rip open any more when i take the pick out or put it back in. today i sat in front of my mirror and stared at my face for a really long time, or maybe it felt like a lot longer than it was because i was sitting in silence. i thought about sewing my sleeves shut. i thought about kaz. i wondered if she thought about me, too. it's frustrating how softly we loved and how harshly we stopped, the last time i left her i told her that i deserve to be loved gently, and to be touched kindly, and that she could not (would not) offer me those things anymore. she agreed. i don't love who she is now and i don't want to. i mourn her like she's dead and she isn't but sometimes i wish she was. the last time we argued i told her i wish she was. she believed me

how do i get rid of the anger that grew in the places she hurt me? where do i put it down? i could blame her for making me so mad but it wouldn't do me any good to attach myself to any feelings that feel like her, or any of the negatives, really. my therapist says i'm bad at letting go. my ribs are sore often

i heard from jj today though, which was nice, or as nice as two sentences can be after you think you're falling in love with someone and then they ghost you for a week. i don't do well with people who don't like to communicate. she said she thinks her episode is ending meaning the ghosting will probably stop. i told her i want to understand what it's like for her, or at least understand what i should and shouldn't do instead of waiting by my phone or watching my instagram story views for proof of life. i'm not really sure where this is going to go but i want to let myself love her. and i want her to love me. i would like to be loved gently. i think i got too close too fast, i don't like how much she knows about me already but i can't expect her to give me trust if i don't give it to her.

i didn't eat today. i don't really know why. i just didn't want to. i think i may be falling back into old habits, bligh and joey going to be worried but if i don't say anything and don't look too tired then they probably won't ask, and that's the safest option. i'm really sleepy. i think i'm going to smoke and then take my melatonin and try and get rest.

thanks

[kipixxx44]

entry 1

7/28

i really don't think anyone is going to find this account but nothing is connected to me anyways, so if they did then i don't think it'll matter much. my therapist thinks i should pick up writing again and i think i would rather skin myself alive than put words on paper for her to read so instead i'm putting words on the internet, where they will remain forever and ever and anyone can access it. i hope these posts aren't completely incoherent but i will not promise anything

i won't give you my name cos i go by a few but i use any pronouns, my mbti type is infj, i love music and my pet hamster and women but i mostly love one specifically. really into radiohead, sign crushes motorist and duster. i play guitar. i like writing sometimes. i'm scared of ants and being alone, and i'm really bad at talking about myself when i'm not presented with questions

i'll probably write more later, about things that are going on and how i feel about them and all the things you put into a diary but for now this is okay i think

thanks :)