kirikiristar

[kirikiristar]

I Don't Understand But I Love You

Pairing: Kwon Soonyoung × Lee Jihoon

Trope: Homophobic bestfriend is actually just gay

Warning: referenced homophobia, not beta read

Chapters: 1 + extra

Total Word Count: 14.7k

Synopsis:

Jihoon gets all bothered by his roommate suddenly deciding to show up with remnants of his night.

He shouldn't be bothered. He really shouldn't. But...

Author's note:

This is my first time writing a fic and I'm honestly so nervous since this one is pretty long >w<

I plan on writing a sequel to this going more into Myungho's plotline with Vernon if this does well and I hope it doesss

I do recommend listening to instrumentals from My Dearest and My Liberation Notes (both K-dramas) during the kiss scenes as they really did help me get into the mood.

Honestly don't know what else to say,,,

please enjoyy :D

—

Chapter 1

Running into him the first time was a coincidence - nothing Jihoon wanted to see and nothing Soonyoung meant to show.

At 5 am on a Sunday Jihoon heard the front door rattling slightly against the keys, tilting his head back to watch the man shuffle around, and the multiple layers of clothing he had on slowly being discarded off. Jihoon almost thought his eyes were playing tricks on him, maybe the multiple all-nighters finally hit him someplace deep. He did a dramatic double-take to scan Soonyoung's neck littered with reddish-purple marks and bruises, the latter still not having noticed him.

He knew what the marks - hickeys - implied, but decided to ask anyway,

"Uh, your neck- uhm are you- you're good right?" Outstanding delivery, multiple points to Lee Jihoon.

Soonyoung flinched a bit at the unexpected sound before tripping on one of his discarded shoes and almost falling face flat. "Oh, uh, is it that bad? I mean, he did let me know beforehand, but-"

Jihoon didn't really register much of anything after that. 'He' was clearly the word that came out of Soonyoung's mouth.

When did Soonyoung start liking guys? Who was this guy? Why hadn’t Jihoon heard about this sooner? They were best friends, after all. He deserved to know.

"- Jihoon-ah, are you listening?" Soonyoung snapped him out of his spiralling thoughts with a slow hand brushing his dishevelled hair back.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone..." Jihoon whispered, mostly to himself but clearly loud enough for soonyoung to catch on to. "Oh, uh- I'm not actually. We're not anything, I'm probably never meeting this man again," his words flowing out with nonchalance as if he wasn't dropping bombshells of his sexual escapades onto Jihoon.

"Cool", Jihoon finally replied, shifting around on the kitchen island where his impromptu art station was set up.

He fiddled around with his brushes, causing soonyoung to look up from his hands onto the canvas. "You got a lot done, huh? Did you get some sleep? Had something real instead of instant coffee?" Jihoon signalled to the wet paint on his palette and the coffee mug with multiple rings near the rim, indicating the multiple refills the mug had been subjected to. "Take a guess"

Soonyoung snorted silently, a tire to his voice, "well I sure do need some sleep" he said throwing his head back and letting the joints at the base of his neck pop with a satisfying crack. He's now making his way towards his room slowly mumbling to himself "I've been up all night.." jihoon finds himself cringing at those words, against his better judgement.

"...right", he sighs before saturating his brush with the paint on his palette.

Jihoon really did not like where this was going.

—*** —

Soonyoung and Jihoon almost never crossed paths during the week, thanks to Jihoon's demanding student life and Soonyoung's endless part-time jobs.

And so, with Soonyoung now regularly indulging in one-night stands with customers from the bar he worked at, a new pattern began forming between the two. Soonyoung always bought him a meal-or a semblance of it-and Jihoon always made sure an extra cup of coffee was ready for him.

Jihoon never judged him outwardly, nor did he pass unwarranted comments (not like he ever does) but his body language gave away more than he intended to with the way he tensed up and got all rigid every time Soonyoung mentioned any of the guys he had slept with

So Soonyoung had learned not to push him too much, he was grateful enough for the fact that he wasn't being shooed away at first glance, given the fact that the person in front of him was the most antisocial person he had ever seen.

— *** —

The real nail in the head that sent Jihoon spiralling was when Soonyoung brought a guy home for the first time.

It was a night Jihoon had decided to gift himself a few hours of sleep before a jury presentation at the university and a staggering zombie wouldn't have made for the best first impression.

So at 10 that night he had popped a sleeping pill and dropped dead.

A well-calculated dose almost guaranteed that he would be up by 10 am the next day, a comfortable 12 hours of sleep that allowed for enough room to prepare for the 2 pm jury. Or at least that was how it was supposed to go.

He wakes up at eight instead - disappointing - he's slept all wrong and now his body is sore - irritating - the clothes that were supposed to be dry by now to be dropped off at the dry cleaners were still damp - simply devastating - and then he hears it.

Soft humming from outside the door. By a voice he didn't recognise.

He quickly grabbed an Exacto knife and hid it under the sleeve of his hoodie before slowly opening his door in tense anticipation.

"Jihoon?" The man on the sofa asked. Hair dyed a soft peachy pink, multiple piercings dotting his ears, and a teacup in his hand, the man sat with a leg over the other. He was dressed in a shirt at least 3 times over his size and hopefully, a pair of boxers - jihoon wouldn't dare think otherwise.

Looking way too comfortable in the space for someone who never met Jihoon before

Jihoon didn't reply.

He couldn't.

The gears in his head were already turning, putting pieces together. What could he have said anyway - 'Yes, hello, this is me - Soonyoung’s homophobic best friend who's currently extremely uncomfortable in your presence and wishes you would leave now'

"Is that not you?" The man asks, tilting his head slightly and sipping his tea.

Needless to say, Jihoon wasn't the most polite during this interaction either.

"Aren't you supposed to leave when you're done?" He mumbled under his breath, putting down the knife on the kitchen island.

The man looked to the side to hide his laughter. Well, an attempt was made.

"I'm Myungho, by the way. Figured you'd want to know," he paused for a second,

"Or not"

"Soonyoung's out. Said he wanted to make me breakfast before I left…" he turned his head, sight returning to its place out the window.

Jihoon grumbles a bit under his breath, and then he hears the door pin being entered, the familiar rhythm indicative of Soonyoung.

He raises his eyebrows and nods his head towards Myungho as a greeting and then turns to walk towards the kitchen, where Jihoon's getting started on 2 cups of coffee.

Like clockwork, he's carding his fingers through the other's hair, tucking strays behind his ear and smoothing the cowlick that seems to have formed in his sleep.

"You should've slept a bit longer... I wanted breakfast to be ready for you when you woke up "

To this, Jihoon unknowingly looks back at Myungho, only to find him grinning back at him.

What's this guy's deal? Jihoon thinks.

The entire conversation is had facing away from Soonyoung. Jihoon really doesn't want to make it that obvious,

"I definitely would not be up of my own will, not at this ungodly hour" he huffs out.

He hears Myungho step around him towards the sink. "Half the world is probably up right now" he says turning behind to glance at Jihoon.

"Half of them probably never slept, to begin with"

He's been stirring the coffee for way too long now.

Myungho chuckles and walks over to soonyoung placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll take you up on the breakfast some other day, gotta get going now.

I'll see you soon" he says before heading back to Soonyoung's room.

"You're so dramatic. I'll see you tomorrow anyway!" He laughs and Myungho simply shrugs.

Then he's facing Jihoon, standing there in awkward silence.

"I took half the day off to help you with your jury prep" he bends down slightly and puts his face into Jihoon's line of sight.

He's beaming.

Jihoon lets out a low laugh and looks at soonyoung for the first time since he's come home.

"You proud of me or what?" He says. Half-baked seriousness to his gloating.

"Sure if that makes you work faster. I'm starving "

He's grinning now, sliding the cup over to soonyoung and pushing him towards his bag of groceries.

— *** —

Myungho leaves a while later and Soonyoung's left to explain the situation the best he can.

"Well, when was the last time you checked your phone?" He asked instead.

Jihoon raises an eyebrow. "10 pm last night probably. I took a pill and killed myself after that"

Soonyoung scrunches his nose at his choice of words but continues "Right well, I'm sorry for bringing someone over without making sure you were informed"

Jihoon nods, internally grateful for the consideration of thought.

"I thought you said you don't see the same people twice," he says, referencing their earlier conversation.

Soonyoung's fingers return to his hair, arranging strands aesthetically to his liking.

"Uh, Myungho's a friend from school, I kinda see him every day and I can't just-" he jerks his hand open with a **poof** sound.

"You're fine, you don't need to justify anything. I'm just curious as to how this plays out generally"

Jihoon lies.

On the other hand, was Jihoon’s pickiness just another outlet for his homophobic thoughts to seep out?

Jihoon hated himself for it. He hated seeing Soonyoung with a guy and he hated the way they left marks on him.

He hated the fact that he had to be the one to see all of it at the end of the day.

Unfortunately, there were tasks more pressing at hand that warranted Jihoon’s attention.

— *** —

True to his word, Soonyoung helped around for the duration of his leave, going as far as to drop him to the university.

And when the crushing weight of the jury had been lifted off of his shoulders, Jihoon decided to go pay his therapist-his best friend-a- visit.

He shoots him a quick text before he barges into his apartment.

"Am I homophobic?" He nearly wails.

"...good evening to you too"

Seungcheol replies.

"People usually text before dropping by, by the way," he says with an annoyed undertone.

"Check your phone I did"

"1 minute ago when you were probably standing outside my door jackass"

Guilty.

"Anyways, what are you on about"

Seungcheol says clearing the bed for Jihoon.

"I think I'm homophobic and I hate myself for it," he says again, minus the dramatics.

"well okay genius, but I need context if you want me to do something about it" Seungcheol shoots back.

Jihoon groans and lands face-first on the bed, ignoring seungcheol's accusations about his hygiene.

"A, Uhm, a friend of mine is into guys and I can't say I'm healthily dealing with the revelation"

"Soonyoung right?"

Jihoon whips his head back to face Seungcheol with wide eyes. "How-"

"So, what—did you meet his boyfriend or something? That made you feel weird? Like you didn't want him around?" he continues

Jihoon's jaw is on the floor by this point. But he has a mind enough to correct him, "Not his boyfriend" he says jabbing a finger in his general direction.

"maybe look a little less happy next time you say that" he huffs.

Jihoon goes a little red at that, like he's been caught.

"I did not," he says snarkily.

"Yah- Lee Jihoon, are you dumb or just dense?"

Jihoon stares back at him with a defensive expression prodding him to explain further. "...what"

Seungcheol sighs and leans back in his chair to prop his legs up on the coffee table of his one-room apartment. "do you feel disgusted when you look at Soonyoung?"

Jihoon's face contorts into something that spells 'offence taken'

"Of course not! now you're being homophobic. He just likes guys-" he stops himself mid-sentence and stares blankly at Seungcheol.

Seungcheol stares back at him smiling slightly with a raised eyebrow. "that answers your questions I hope"

"But that doesn't help anything.." He trails off. "why am I being like this then?"

Another groan from Seungcheol.

"Alright mister, let's go step by step" Jihoon nods enthusiastically.

"he's not disgusting"

"no"

"him liking guys isn't an issue"

"Right"

"he's never brought guys over"

"...yes"

"but he did yesterday, and that set you off"

"uh, yes? I think?"

"so the possibility of him actually dating someone instead of just, I don't know, fucking around is the problem"

"Perhaps,"

Jihoon is smart. Smart, but dense. also stupid. and so he slowly figures it out.

"So you like him"

"I like him"

"God, I'm gay, not homophobic"

Seungcheol sounds a party popper going off, "Congrats"

— *** —

He ignores his newly discovered feelings for a good while. The facade of a good friend is steadily maintained and soon Jihoon is set to be stationed at Jeju-do for a site study.

he's sprawled out on the couch listlessly watching a video about the cultural hot spots in Jeju-do zoning out every once in a while when the video gets too factual.

"Oh~ Jihoon-ie, what're you doing?" Soonyoung says, holding up Jihoon's head to slide his thigh under. Jihoon's heart almost combusts and he hopes his face isn't too red.

Soonyoung's been less bruised recently and has been home more than before. Jihoon is staring at him, and the video is now aimlessly playing in the background. His hand instinctively reaches up to rub at one of the fading marks on his jaw. He pulls back just as suddenly.

Soonyoung doesn't react. his jaw clenches slightly for a second before he clears his throat.

"I quit my bartending job, a tutoring gig one of my seniors suggested pays more. And it's only like 3 hours on the weekends surprisingly"

Jihoon hums thoughtfully. "That's great," he says, because he now gets more time with soonyoung outside of school and he's also not around drunk horny men all night.

"I'm going to Jeju during the break... it's for a site visit from the uni" he says.

"you booked a hotel yet?"

"not yet, I was planning on looking around in the next few days"

"I've got a friend in Jeju who's been asking me to come over for ages, if you want it, I could give you his number and you could hit him up" soonyoung says.

"You can't come along?" Jihoon asks, his tone on the edge of a whine.

Soonyoung's hand in Jihoon's hair stalls and he laughs, a slight flush to his face. "Why? you want me there?"

if his face wasn't beet red then, it definitely is now. "what the fuck, Kwon Soonyoung.." he sputters under his hand covering his face.

Soonyoung's hand drops down on Jihoon's stomach and he pats him a few times for good measure. "I'll come along if you want me to. there's no reason why I won't want to see Seungkwan again either"

"Seungkwan?"

"The friend"

"ah, okay."

Later that day, an obligatory text finds its way into Seungcheol’s phone.

— *** —

Jihoon counts the days down with excitement. His heart starts beating out his heart and his face gets flushed every time he imagines it.

"Keep your imagination in control Jihoon" Seungcheol laughs lowly.

"I don't think art history should be making your ears go red"

Jihoon shoots him a glare and covers his ears. "Shut up"

on the day of departure, Jihoon packs the last of his supplies into his overhead luggage and pulls his beanie down low. He's never fared well with the plane's dusty, musty air.

"Are you all done Jihoon-ah?" Soonyoung asks from the living room where he's tagging up the last of their luggage.

"Yeah I just need a minute I can't find-"

"I've got your headphones and your power bank with me" Soonyoung calls out.

"Thanks," Jihoon says as he shuffles out with his hands extended.

He was suddenly painfully aware of the domesticity between them that was blissfully ignored earlier. The subtle intricacies of their involvement in each other's lives that were otherwise taken for granted under the guise of friendship.. and now, Jihoon could ignore it no more.

"I'm sorry let's go"

His headphones sit snug around his neck, possibly the only semblance of warmth he's getting with the way he's dressed in an oversized tee and knee-length shorts.

Soonyoung on the other hand, gets cold easily and prefers hoodies and sweatpants instead.

— *** —

They're mostly silent till they board, working wordlessly together in perfect harmony, years of silent cues and unspoken signals allowing for the smooth completion of pre-boarding procedures.

"Oh, Hyung here! I see you. Look for the orange sweater that's me,” Seungkwan spoke across the line.

Soonyoung whips his head around a million times before Jihoon grabs his sleeve and pulls him in Seungkwan's direction. "He's there dumbass, where are you even looking? " he laughs.

The weather in Jeju-do is perfect. The sky is clear and the air is fresh. If they weren't excited already, they sure are now.

"This is Jihoon, the friend I told you about," he nods to Jihoon, "and that's Seungkwan"

Seungkwan holds his hand out and smiles brightly "Hi! I'm Seungkwan, it's really nice to finally meet you. Hyung told me a lot about you Jihoon-ssi"

"Only good things I hope" he laughs and directs a side-eye towards Soonyoung, to which he only shrugs. That asshole.

"Also you don't have to be so formal, you can call me Hyung, or Jihoon if that's more comfortable”

"Well then hyung, let's get going"

— *** —

Seungkwan drives them to their residence for the week while they catch up along the way.

"We're here hyung! This used to be my grandma's house but she lives with my sister now because of her health conditions"

And the house is gorgeous.

Deep navy tiles slope off of the roof with windchimes facing the veranda, a winding cobbled walkway leading up to the front gate, ornamental bonsai that have been neatly trimmed and maintained and the multiple trees that dot the periphery of the complex.

"Are you the one maintaining the place Seungkwan-ah?" Jihoon asks awestruck as he walks around examining the bonsai collection.

"Yes I am, I can't say I'm very regular with the upkeep but it's a great way to unwind once in a while... plus it always makes my grandma happy when she sees that her plants are safe with me" he smiles.

He begins placing the bags and suitcases inside one of the rooms while Soonyoung joins Jihoon in his field trip around the house.

"Jihoon-ie hyung! What time do you need to leave for the site visit? Me and Hoshi Hyung will go get the groceries for the barbecue an hour before you get back then" Seungkwan calls out from inside the house. 

'Hoshi', he's heard of the nickname before, but it's mostly just used by his childhood friends. Some reference to his teenage phase of being obsessed with tigers. It's cute regardless, so Jihoon doesn't complain. 

He doesn't really have a set schedule he's meant to follow. But the sooner he leaves, the better the lighting and the more time he gets. 

He should probably leave after lunch.

"I'll be back by 7" he shouts back, his voice dragging at the ends, reconsidering the numbers he's giving. "Yep 7" he confirms.

"Wow, that late? Are you going back to Seoul or something?" Soonyoung scoffs beside him.

"Oh, shut up you can't even draw a person without giving him rickets"

Soonyoung gasps and shoves Jihoon lightly, just enough to tip him off balance. "Jerk" 

"Yes you too" but well, he doesn't really mean it. 

In fact, his heart has been performing somersaults in his chest ever since he found out that Seungkwan won't be staying with them. 

He's been imagining all sorts of scenarios and after being a 'good friend' and keeping his feelings at bay for god knows how long, he just wants Soonyoung to notice him. To think of him as anything but a brotherly figure and give him the hypothetical chance he needs.

— *** — 

Soonyoung and Seungkwan spent the day visiting places from their childhood - the mart that they frequented after school, the road that sloped downhill and was their idea of a makeshift stunt ramp, the cat cafe that fostered Soonyoung's favourite Bengal kitten (he cried after she got adopted), and the tangerine farm that Seungkwan's parents ran.  It was nostalgic and wholesome and Soonyoung lived to see how well Seungkwan had grown up. 

He had decided to start working earlier than the others and was simultaneously juggling his degree with his career, which Soonyoung honestly respected.  Seungkwan had saved up enough to not only rent a flat with his roommate Jeonghan but also to buy a car to save on travel expenses. All this without the financial support of his parents.

"so Seungkwann-ie, are you seeing anyone nowadays? how's the dating life?" Soonyoung asks him as they're on their way back home.

"Hyung, I'm literally married to my work. How can you even ask me that?" he replies with a scandalised gasp. 

Soonyoung snorts and clears his throat "Well then, tell your work I said hi"

"I will"

the rest of the walk home is filled with aimless chatter and impromptu skits that come rather naturally to them.

"what about you hyung?" Seungkwan asks as they put back the meats in the freezer.

"what about me?"

"Are you seeing anyone?" he's almost grinning, as if he knows of some mysterious partner that even Soonyoung doesn't.

"Uh, no. Not currently"

Seungkwan's face drops at that. 

"I thought you were dating Jihoon Hyung?"

"Wait what-?"

"I'm back! I hope you didn't start without me" they hear Jihoon's voice from near the gate.

Seungkwan gives him the 'we're talking about this later' eyes before he frolics out to greet Jihoon.

"We just got back too, you're fine Hyung" he says.

Seungkwan brings out the cooler box by the time Jihoon begins grilling the meat and the sparks and embers of the fire add life to the symphony of cicadas in the backdrop. The air here is much cleaner allowing the stars to shine through and the moon to glow bright.

It's a heavenly sight and even Jihoon, who avoids drinking on most occasions is feeling up for a drink. "Jihoon-ie Hyung, do you have plans tomorrow?" Seungkwan asks.

"Not until evening," he says giving him an understanding look.

"Cut some up for me Jihoon-ah" Soonyoung says leaning over his shoulder with his mouth wide open. Seungkwan sighs and takes a swig of his beer, shaking his head ever so slightly. 

Jihoon deems now a time better than any other to be bolder with his feelings, high on the feels and drunk on emotion. He carefully cuts a bite-sized piece of a cut he's grilling and blows on it for good measure, knowing Soonyoung would have gobbled it up hot, cold or flaming. With a hand under his chin, Jihoon feeds him the piece, an indirect confession, if he might. 

"Careful, it's hot" he whispers, close enough only for Soonyoung to hear.

He looks intently and gauges his reaction, searching for any signs of repulsion or disgust on his face. A cue for him to reel it in. But Soonyoung's reaction says something different, almost eager. Almost reciprocating. 

He chews on the piece in silence, his ears red, face approaching a flush. His jaw aches with the way he's clenching it so hard and he's really, really trying to look away. The tension between them is suffocating and the space between them, though large enough feels like it's reduced to centimetres, oddly intimate.

Seungkwan's grumbling snaps Soonyoung out of his trance and he sputters out a semblance of a response.

"Oh uh- it's, yeah it's good. As always, of course. Sorry uhh, you'll burn it. Jihoon-ah"

Jihoon peels his eyes away with much effort, Seungkwan is now lost to the background and the meat on the grill is slightly overcooked. "Fuck- uh, hand me the plate," he says, finally forming new thoughts on his blank slate of a mind. 

Soonyoung runs inside to grab a plate and Seungkwan turns to Jihoon. "Hyung. What's going on, seriously? Am I delusional or am I actually seeing something here?"

"What" 

"Oh my god is that all you guys can manage!?" He huffs. 

"Quiet down, will you? A little louder and the dog next door is gonna want this gossip" 

Jihoon acts nonchalantly as if he doesn't get it. As if he's as blissfully unaware as Soonyoung probably is. But this is new, this is scary and Jihoon is scared. He really is.

"I'm not dense, I get it. But he's also his own person, someone whose decisions I can neither control nor live comfortably with. So this is what I'm resorting to. Let me be Seungkwan-ah”

Seungkwan gives the liquid in his bottle a few swirls before he downs it. The look in his eyes is easily mistakable for pity. But Jihoon knows it's something closer to empathy, some sense of understanding.  "Right, I'm sorry hyung." 

"You're fine, I get where you're coming from" 

As if on cue, Soonyoung rushes outside with a bunch of plates and three big bowls. "I figured you'd have grilled more"

"Good job" Jihoon says holding out his fist to which  Soonyoung bumps his fist back. 

"Seungkwan-ie are you proud of me?" He beams at him.

"Hoshi hyung, let's not forget humility, yeah?" He jokes back and soon with the number of empty bottles piling up and the meat supply dwindling,  it's time for Seungkwan to leave.

No amount of alcohol could keep him calm in this situation. Whatever tipsy state he was in reduced to a slight flush and thoughts surprisingly clear for someone who probably drank half his body weight in alcohol.

"Don't do anything you'll regret tomorrow Hyung" Seungkwan whispers to Jihoon half-jokingly. 

"Hoshi Hyung, come walk with me" 

Jihoon considers tagging along for the briefest of seconds, scared of Seungkwan spilling something to Soonyoung, scared that Soonyoung despite his drunken state, might end up remembering something tomorrow. But honestly? with the pace at which Jihoon is progressing, he might need some alcoholic intervention. 

— *** —

He moves sluggishly to his room to get his sketchbook, hoping the cool wind on his face and some task to concentrate on might sober him up. The bonsai collection calls to him. Nimble fingers capture delicate curves, and shapes find new being in his hazed state. He's definitely bringing home a bonsai of his own, he thinks. It's so pretty it's like a work of art. Jihoon loves art. 

The gate creaks open and Soonyoung walks in, drawing a flinch out of Jihoon.

he's quiet. unusual. 

Jihoon wonders what they spoke about. He wouldn't dare to ask anyway. 

"What are you doing Jihoon-ie?" he asks, sitting beside him. Soonyoung's fingers in Jihoon's hair feel grounding, keeping him from floating away with the way he slightly applies pressure at his fingertips, tugging lightly at his hair every once in a while. Jihoon could fall asleep right here.

Through half-lidded eyes he watches Soonyoung single-handedly open a can of beer, the other now resting on Jihoon's nape. 

It's a particularly cloudless day and in the serene silence of the night, Soonyoung is drenched in moonlight. His lashes cast wispy shadows on his cheekbones and his face glows. He looks like a dream. 

"Be still Soonyoung-ah" Jihoon whispers. Soonyoung's breath catches slightly at the way Jihoon says his name but he ultimately relaxes into a comfortable position.

This is the first time Jihoon has shared a space this personal and definitely the first time he's taken Soonyoung as a model.

"Is there a theme to this?" He asks wondering what brought the sudden change on.

Jihoon stays silent for a good few minutes. The sound of the pencil scratching the paper, the cicadas in the background and their timely breaths are the only sounds that fill the space between them.

He finally looks up at Soonyoung. Staring intently, as if to look deeper.

If only it could help Jihoon understand Soonyoung's feelings.

He sighs low.

"You really.."

He's looking right into his eyes, and he wouldn't forgive himself if he looked away now.

"You look so pretty right now"

Soonyoung's eyes go wide, and the tips of his ears are bright red. The night doesn't allow for much of anything to be obvious, and Jihoon, in turn, only stares harder.

Soonyoung whips his head away from Jihoon to focus instead on his fingers fiddling with the edge of his fraying shirt.

And Jihoon sees that his neck and shoulders are flushed, too.

Soonyoung's got to be a fucking liar to deny anything now.

"Yah, Lee Jihoon" Soonyoung finally speaks scratching the back of his head.

"How much did you drink?"

Jihoon huffs at that. He nearly considers backing off and calling this null and void.

Soonyoung doesn't take him seriously and as far as the situation could possibly go, Jihoon doesn't see a future for them outside of Soonyoung's bed the next morning.

He's seen firsthand the disinterest and apathy with which Soonyoung talks about the people he's slept with. He's scared he's going to end up as one of Soonyoung's many one-night stands and he's scared he doesn't have it in him to hold back.

"Jihoon-ah answer me, please"

And then there's the change of tone. As if it matters to him whether it's the alcohol talking or if Jihoon actually means the words he's said.

It's not even a confession. Jihoon thinks.

It's not.

"I'm pretty much sober right now"

Soonyoung's fingers tremble slightly and at this point, Jihoon can't tell whose heartbeat it is that he hears in his head.

"Tell me more," he says taking Jihoons hands in his own. "what else?"

The pleasant evening air has turned lightly humid making Jihoon flinch at the action. His palms are sweaty from the nerves and this isn't the most ideal situation to fall prey to Soonyoung's otherwise soothing touch.

"Your ears are red," Soonyoung says now kneeling in front of him, peering at his face from down below. Jihoon grumbles and attempts to pull his hands out, only to be held tighter. Soonyoung chuckles nervously before giving his hands a slight squeeze. "Sorry"

They spend a few minutes like that trying to fight the nerves before Jihoon speaks, his voice somewhere close to a whisper. 

"you're loud... and you drain me sometimes. But I can't imagine my day without you in it anymore"

"I like the way your hair gets all spikey after you shower and I think it's cute how you eat every meal like it's your last meal"

Soonyoung lowers his head onto Jihoons lap and his fingers guide Jihoons' to his hair. 

"I like that you always got me a burger no matter how tired you were and I like the way you play with my hair"

His fingers slide down to hold Soonyoung's chin in his hand and he tilts his head up to face Jihoon.  "Do you need more?" 

Soonyoung's eyes move dazedly across Jihoon's face taking in every plane, line and feature.  

"How about you answer a question for me instead?" 

Jihoon tries to gulp down the fear rising in his throat and nods meekly.  

"Will you let me think more of this?"

god, he's not ready for this. He looks away for a second and mumbles under his breath "I don't know..."

"then can I do something?"

He doesn't reply and Soonyoung doesn't wait for an answer either.

Instead, he tugs at jihoon's hands pulling him closer till their faces are mere inches away. His thumbs repeatedly smooth over the expanse of Jihoon's hands and Jihoon can see how Soonyoung's Adam's apple bobs nervously with the way he gulps. 

Jihoon's eyes flit across his face. His cheeks are tinted red and his pupils are blown wide, the adrenaline of it all getting to him. 

He knows for sure that Soonyoung isn't drunk. He knows for sure that whatever happens today won't be lost to the night and get washed away with the alcohol. 

He knows the permanence of their decisions and the weight of their actions, but he's come too far to give a damn about anything except Soonyoung right now. 

Soonyoung licks his lips lightly and clears his throat, fingertips thrumming with life.

He looks into Jihoon's eyes for any signs of rejection but Jihoon, though apprehensive doesn't show any. 

With one last shaky breath, he shuts his eyes and presses his lips to Jihoons'.

Their kiss lasts only a few seconds, but to Jihoon, it feels like ages. Years of unnoticed feelings finally come unravelled, and he sinks into the grounding, comforting weight of the situation. 

Jihoon melts into putty in Soonyoung's hands, and all inhibitions leave his body. He slowly moves his fingers to interlock with Soonyoungs, hoping to feel more of him than he already can. 

It's soft and light, and it conveys their feelings better than words ever could.

Jihoon can only hope he's not misunderstanding. 

Soonyoung pulls away after a second to stare at Jihoon, who licks his lips and stares back.

Jihoon's lips are chapped and raw from the night air and from how he unconsciously bites them when he's nervous. 

Soonyoung runs a thumb over his lips and rests his hand on Jihoon's jaw. 

"Don't your lips hurt?"

"Because you kissed me?" Jihoon laughs almost involuntarily.

"Oh my god, shut up," he says, dropping his hand to shove at Jihoon's shoulder lightly.

Soonyoung lowers his head back down on his lap and hugs his legs tightly. He lets out a long sigh and groans quietly before he relaxes his grip. 

"You good?" Jihoon asks, fingers fiddling around the cuff of his ear.

"Thank you," Soonyoung says after a pause. "For saying all that, I mean."

"It's nothing you don't already know" Jihoon replies, giggling lightly. 

"Oh trust me, it is"

"I don't think I've ever not thought of you this way. It comes naturally to me I guess"

Soonyoung hums absentmindedly and turns his head to rest his chin on Jihoon's thigh.

"Can I kiss you once more" 

With Soonyoung pressed so close to him he can feel how hard his heart is beating and he's only thankful Soonyoung can't do the same. 

He's laid himself bare in front of the other and honestly feels like flesh and bones under him, too aware and too exposed. 

Running away is the best he can do, he decides.

"What's wrong with you all of a sudden..." he says laughing nervously while pushing Soonyoung's face away. 

He stands and stumbles a bit around Soonyoung before he starts putting his sketchbook and pencils back in his bag. 

Soonyoung rushes to his feet, his arms flailing with confusion and eyes wide with surprise. 

"Don't go to bed without washing up. I'm gonna go to sleep now. Uh. See you. Goodnight." Jihoon says while clumsily trying to move past him. 

Soonyoung moves quickly to grab ahold of Jihoon's wrist. He moves both hands to cup his face and speaks low and steady.

"Don't you dare act like nothing happened today."

Jihoon turns his eyes away.

"Or I'm gonna kiss you in front of Seungkwan and run away."

His eyes shoot back to glare at Soonyoung and eye him with disapproval.

"I'm pretty shameless when I need to be, Jihoon-ah" he laughs.

Jihoon huffs loudly and nods his head.

"words please"

"I got it already"

"Promise me"

"yeah okay, now let me go. This is really embarrassing" Jihoon's going redder by the minute and his brain is drawing closer to total disfunction when Soonyoung starts laughing.

He lets go of his face and bends down to hug him tight. His face rests comfortably in the crook of Jihoon's neck and he breathes in lightly, squeezing Jihoon tight.

"Don't forget me Jihoon-ah" he mumbles, warm breath fanning over the nape of Jihoon's neck. 

"I won't" he replies, palms drawing soothing circles across Soonyoung's back. 

"I've waited far too long for this." 

Jihoon's breath hitches and he's tempted to pull away. 

What was he implying? 

What was **this** anyway?

Before his thoughts can spiral any further, he feels Soonyoung slightly tilt his head and kiss the nape of his neck. 

"Goodnight. Sleep in tomorrow if you need to" he says before pulling away.

With one last ruffle of his hair and a pat on his shoulder, Soonyoung turns him around and guides him inside.

Not that he needs the guidance but nor is he opposed to it.

It's Kwon Soonyoung after all.

— *** —

Unlike his expectations, jihoon passes out the minute he hits the bed. The fatigue of the day and the mental stress he's been under catching up to him. 

Left alone with his thoughts, he's sure overthinking would consume him. So immediate exhaustion is more than welcome.

Without a clue about what was happening behind the doors of his room, Jihoon decided that he could process Soonyoung's feelings after he had worked through his own.

When your one-sided crush is suddenly thrust into motion, one can only be so prepared for what comes after.

— *** —

He wakes up the next day to the sound of excited chatter from the veranda and groggily checks the time on his phone. 

'1 unread message from Soonyoung' 

is what he sees instead.

The sharp pain in the back of his head coupled with the awful ache in his body really don't help the state of involuntary sobriety he's in.

and then it all comes back to him. 

The drunken rambling, the absolute lack of personal space, the raw unfiltered emotion and the kiss. 

Oh god, the kiss. 

The phone in his hand is lost to gravity as his hands dramatically come up to cover his increasingly reddening face. 

"What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Lee Jihoon" he groans to himself and flops back onto his bed. 

for a moment, he considers acting like he doesn't remember anything from the night before. Blame everything on the same alcohol that he borrowed courage from. 

Be an ungrateful little shit. 

But then he remembers his promise to Sooonyoung.

_'gonna kiss you in front of Seungkwan'_

He cringes at that.

Ultimately he decides there's really no point in hiding from Soonyoung.

He tidies himself up the best he can making sure he warms his throat up just enough to not sound squeaky. 

With much reluctance, he finally opens the door and tiptoes outside. He wishes he were invisible honestly. 

The absolutely uncharacteristic way in which he acted yesterday made Jihoon question his willingness to drink in the future.

"Hyung! Come have breakfast when you're up for it. I made some hangover soup... I'm sure you'd appreciate some right now." Seungkwan spots him trying to sneak around out of the bathroom.

"You walking like that makes you seem more suspicious than you probably want to be seen as, Hyung. Just walk comfortably" he supplies, laughing.

He silently observes Jihoon stumble to stability and walk shamefully up to the spread Seungkwan’s prepared. His eyes wander about until Seungkwan finally clears his throat and speaks. “Hoshi Hyung isn't here.” Jihoon narrows his eyes at Seungkwan and speaks slowly, cautiously. “I didn't ask” “Didn’t say you did.” he shrugged. He quietly ladles the soup into a bowl for Jihoon, all while smirking to himself. Only when Jihoon’s halfway through breakfast does he speak next. “Hyung, be honest. Something happened yesterday after I left, right?” He’s only met with sputtering and coughing from the other end before Jihoon finally speaks

“...no”

“...Right. Sure” and some judgemental slurping follows. 

Jihoon keeps nervously glancing at the gate every few minutes and gets multiple looks of worry from Seungkwan. “Please don't tell me you got drunk and slept with him.” his eyes widened at Jihoon’s silence.

“I literally told you not to do anything you’d regret Hyung!” Jihoon listlessly picks at the rice in his bowl and mumbles under his breath “... It's not that.” He tries his best to come up with a sensible way to explain his predicament, but honestly, he can't.

How’s he supposed to explain to Seungkwan that his roommate, whom he has a painfully obvious crush on, kissed him last night. His roommate, who sleeps with people casually. His roommate, whose feelings he has no idea about. It sounds stupid even to him to assume that Soonyoung acted the way he did without any basis of emotion. Jihoon just needs to know he’s not a quick fuck. “Well, hear me out then I suppose”

“Thank fucking god”

"Oh my god, okay. That's kinda messed up."

"Maybe I need to tell him it was all a mistake-"

"Hyung. The messed up part here is you letting things go this far without trusting Hoshi hyung."

Seungkwan sighs heavily and finishes the rest of his soup. 

"Think about it, hyung. Your worries are valid, I don't doubt it. But honestly I wouldn't be going into something like this without having some level of trust in my partner. And as far as I know, Hoshi isn't the type to sleep around, so that in itself being true is somewhat of a shocker to me."

Jihoon looks at him stunned, like he's been hit with a thousand bricks all at once. Bricks of realisation Perhaps. 

"Right."

"Hyung. You're okay. Hoshi hyung is a good guy. Don't doubt your gut." 

As if on cue, Soonyoung walks in through the gate humming some children's cartoon show intro. 

"Don't overthink hyung" he whispers one last time before the worry fades and his cheerful exterior is back on.

The moment Soonyoung's eyes meet Jihoon's he falls silent, his lower lip caught between his teeth. His eyes look deep inside Jihoon, trying to pick up hints and signs. 

It's endearing to Jihoon the way he cautiously tilts his head and the way his gaze holds an amalgamation of emotions. 

He smiles to himself and speaks. 

"Hey, Soonyoung-ah breathe. I still remember" 

"How-"

"Try using your brain instead of your face when you think." He laughs, making Seungkwan snort.

"That scared the shit out of me you idiot" he grumbles 

"Grow a pair, dumbass" Jihoon responds, laughing. 

"You and your flowery language, seriously.." adds Seungkwan before clearing the plates and carrying them over to the kitchen. 

Jihoon finds himself mindlessly staring at Soonyoung while he does his cool-down post-workout routine. 

Defined, lean muscle makes itself obvious when he twists and stretches and Jihoon should really be looking away now.

"you're all done, right?" Soonyoung rounds the corner of the veranda to lean over Jihoon. 

Jihoon in turn brandishes his empty bowl at him.

"Guess."

Soonyoung holds out his hand and makes grabbing motions at him, asking him to follow.

"What are you doing?" 

"Come with me, let's go somewhere," he says.

This earns him an eyebrow raise from Jihoon who answers back just as quickly. 

"Seungkwan is like-" he motions inside the house, "-right here."

"He's not dense Jihoon. You are" He huffs.

Jihoon glares at him and without breaking eye contact, he calls out to Seungkwan.

"Seungkwan-ah! I'll be out for a while. And I'm taking this guy with me."

Seungkwan momentarily pops his head out to nod at them before he heads in again. 

"Why're you being so cute today?" Soonyoung laughs leaning down to match Jihoon's level. 

"You just say anything, don't you?" Jihoon stuffs his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and trods out the gate. 

"Ah, Jihoon-ie, wait for me! Why are you so fast?" he grumbles, sliding his arm through Jihoon's as he leads the way. "You don't even know where you're going."

"Why do you have so many questions today?"

"No idea"

The break is almost over and ultimately, so is this dream-like Jeju escapade. The city life awaits them again and Jihoon can only hope it’s going to be a bit more fulfilling with soonyoung and their… Arrangement. They’ve been walking for a while now and Jihoon’s losing patience. Refusing to walk on his own he’s pretty much being pushed by Soonyoung up whatever hill they’re walking.

Soonyoung heaves behind Jihoon, each breath coming out a little more taxed than the one before. “You’re such a baby Jihoon. Noone’s going to push you up and literally make you walk,” he says through huffs and heaves. “But you will.” It's a rather simple statement to make, easy to miss and easy to ignore. But it's not. It's really not. Soonyoung feels the way Jihoon’s heartbeat speeds up in his palms and he only slows down a bit. “I will.” —***— After much of Jihoon’s grumbling, Soonyoung finally pulls away the hands that cover Jihoon’s eyes as they reach the summit. Its quiet, serene and beautiful. 

He’s seen multiple such scenes with how often he works with large-scale paintings. Carefully calculating the time of the day to ensure optimal lighting and the best visuals. Yet this is special. It’s different, and Jihoon is filled to the brim with love and adoration. A hearty laugh spills out his lips despite himself and he tips his body weight forward to rest his palms on his knees. He wants to say something honestly, compliment Soonyoung, maybe. Thank him for this trip, for his help with Seungkwan, for reciprocating his feelings, for - fuck if he knows - existing? 

And yet, he doesn't. He wouldn't dare waste his words on these complicated, unexplainable feelings. Staring at Soonyoung, however, seems to provide some form of solace. In true Soonyoung fashion, he’s already staring back. Eyes shiny with pride and love, he looks intently at Jihoon. Taking in every little shift in his expression - the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way he pushes his hair back every time it gets in his way, refusing to cut it and the way he licks his lips while he tries to catch his breath. Soonyoung’s left staring.

Jihoon’s smile widens as he slowly turns to face Soonyoung. “What? What is it?” he asks. He’s met with a pout and a sigh from Soonyoung who reluctantly answers back. “You know what it is, don't you? Always so mean for no reason Jihoon, seriously..” He’s about to turn around to go sit on a nearby bench when he’s abruptly turned around by Jihoon grabbing his wrist. “Don't be such a baby, now Soonyoung-ah. Are you really going to throw a tantrum?” Whatever he’s holding against Jihoon melts away with the way he says his name and the tips of his ears slowly go red. 

With a short breath, he tugs at Soonyoung’s arm and shifts on his tiptoes to kiss him. Quick, short and chaste, completely inadequate for Soonyoung, who, despite the shock, wraps his free arm around Jihoon’s waist before he can go back down, turning his head for a better angle before he meets his lips, to once again, kiss him deeply, making Jihoon sigh at the contact. 

He finds himself involuntarily turning his head for a better angle, and the hand on his wrist snakes its way up and around Soonyoung’s neck. After what seems like ages, they part for breath and Soonyoung lowers himself one last time, to plant a short peck on Jihoon’s cheek. 

“That’s better,” he says, thumb swiping over Jihoon’s lower lip. Jihoon stares back in shock, still panting slightly, pupils blown wide and mouth agape. “You’re crazy.” he says, flushing pink as he lowers his face into Soonyoung’s chest, the latter's arms moving just as quickly to wrap him in a hug. “Thanks,” he says, laughing. 

—***—

“Jeonghan was here about an hour ago. Said he wanted to meet you.” Seungkwan says with mild annoyance. “But what could I possibly have said? ‘That’s right Hyung, the two of them left me all alone here and decided to-” he abstractly flails his hands around “-I don't know, go make out, or something’” Jihoon’s eyes go wide and he answers back almost instantaneously “That did NOT happen”

He looks at Soonyoung to prompt him to hopefully provide his part of an explanation. “It should've” he grumbles. “Honestly, kill yourself. Please.” Suddenly a high-pitched voice calls out from inside. “Yah, Boo Seungkwan. Did you die out there?” “Ah Jeonghan-ie Hyung! What the hell?” Soonyoung shrieks out. “I missed you so much!”

Seungkwan’s loitering is forgotten within seconds and a soap opera reunion ensues, all of which Jihoon decides to skip out on. As far as introductions go, he’s content with simply giving out his name, adding a handshake and allowing soonyoung to do the rest of the honours. What reason to try otherwise? It’s worked well enough till now.

With their return to the city steadily approaching, he’s got a lot of things to finish today. Unfortunately, the entirety of yesterday and Soonyoung’s impromptu escapade this morning has made things entirely too difficult for Jihoon. 

A barrage of thoughts flows through his mind and he finds himself reliving the past 24 hours all over again. The feeling of his lips against Soonyoungs’, the way his breath fanned against his neck and the raw, unfiltered emotion lacing his voice— a million words threatening to spill out and over. He goes red because that's all he can do.

He's eternally grateful to Soonyoung for his otherwise annoying personality and the seamless way he incorporates humour where Jihoon's rational brain wouldn't dare to. 

Soonyoung is adorable, and hot. Very much so. It's hard enough for Jihoon to maintain his stoic front otherwise with Soonyoung practically floating around him as his watermark. 

But then he decides that's insufficient, and he gets all up in Jihoon's personal space—each detail of him in all its glory.

And then comes the uncertainty of it all. Is this the right thing to do? His friendship of multiple years and his cohabitation at risk. Seungkwan's words, while they do provide some tether to reality, unfortunately, don't seem like much help to someone as stubborn as Jihoon.

“Hyung. Are you done packing yet?” Seungkwans voice pulls him out of his thoughts. 

“Almost. Didn't really have to bring much for a 2-day trip” he sighs. “Right, well Jeonghan brought some kimchi for you so be sure to take it with you.” Seungkwan smiles. He’s about to turn to leave when suddenly Jihoon feels a pang of guilt shoot through him. He wonders why. “Seungkwan-ah,” he calls out. The latter turns behind just as quickly, eyes sparkling with life and vigour—ever the positive bubble. “Hm?” “Thanks, and sorry” Seunkwan’s cheeks fluff up with unreleased laughter before he says, “Hyung, are you good? All I did was tell you not to overthink.” Jihoon simply shrugs before he returns to his room to finish the rest of his packing. 

Before they leave they’re showered with a waterfall of ‘be careful’s, ‘call me’s and ‘be alert’s. All in good intentions of course, so Jihoon doesn't complain. Not as much as he wants to, anyway.

And then, they’re back. 

Back to mundane life, back to assignments, back to part-time jobs, back to struggling to survive. But of all that Jihoon could possibly endure, the only thing he doesn't want to go back to is his dynamic with Soonyoung before this whirlwind of a trip. 

He feels jittery all throughout their ride back home. All throughout unpacking. All throughout getting ready to go meet Seungcheol the next day. “You look fucking awful for someone that spent two days cooped up in a house with their crush” “Good evening to you too, asshole”

Seungccheol merely laughs before he slides Jihoon’s cup of Americano over to him. “So? Why do you look like—” he motions vaguely at Jihoon. “That?”

“I think I'm just an ungrateful little shit honestly.”

This time, however, he doesn't need much prompting to spill forth. “He literally kissed me and I'm still doubting whether the guy actually likes me or not.”

To provide some relief to Seungcheol’s wide-eyed expression, he supplies, “Stuff happened, the mood was kind of, right, and then I said some things, and then he said some things, and then hooray.” he claps soullessly. 

“Did any of those things include ‘I love’ slash ‘like you’?” 

Jihoon’s head droops down in disappointment. Seungcheol sighs. “Do you always need me to spell things out for you before you realise?” 

“I knew that already.” 

The ice in his Americano is lost to the afternoon while Seungcheol is already on his second cup. Only god knows the secrets to his vitality. 

Without much questioning from Seungcheol’s end, Jihoon voluntarily spills the events from their stay in Jeju. “Whatever Seungkwan said is valid, honestly, there's no denying that. But as someone who’s been observing in the third person for so long, it's also reasonable for you to feel the way you do.” Jihoon looks out the window and nods in Seungcheol’s general direction to signal him to keep going. 

“I wouldn't encourage the ‘let's have a talk’ at this early of a stage, but you honestly look like you need the closure. Maybe you need to do this first. It's either that or waiting for Soonyoung to realise.” Jihoon scrunches his nose slightly at the sound of that. Days, months, and possibly years of Jihoon living with this insecurity. All while Soonyoung remains blissfully unaware. No thanks. 

With some semblance of comfort from Seungcheol’s end, he makes his way back to the apartment. 

He routinely punches in the door code. There's an unexplainable buzz in his ears. Nervousness, adrenaline and some mysterious queasiness in his system. 

He’s clearing this up today. His indecisiveness doesn't need to affect every other person around him. 

And then he sees it. A second pair of shoes beside Soonyoungs’.

Shut the fuck up, Jihoon.

There's laughter coming from deeper into the room.

Stop making shit up.

Myungho sits there, beside Soonyoung. A cup of tea in his hand. That damn tea. Laughing, smiling. His free hand extending occasionally to touch Soonyoung’s arm. 

For whyever the fuck?

And then almost knowingly, his gaze draws up to meet Jihoon’s own bewildered eyes. 

Oh-kay, fuck that.

Soonyoung’s eyes fly up to follow Myunghos’ and his instinctive grin drops from his face at Jihoons heart-wrenching expression. “Jihoon-ah what-” he calls out before he’s cut off by the person in question.

“I’ll leave.” it's curt, it’s hurtful. Jihoon regrets it. Face hot, blood roaring in his ears. 

He turns on his heels and almost dashes out of the apartment. 

“Wait Jihoon-” 

“Let me talk to him. Please” Myungho says, looking meaningfully at Soonyoung. 

“Myungho I swear to god if you say some bullshit to him-”

“Please.” he tries again.

It works because Myungho rushes out of the apartment hoping to catch Jihoon before it's too late. 

Jihoon doesn't think to wait. The humiliation and embarrassment fuel his legs and drag him out. He’s overthinking this, he’s sure he is. Every little effort at trying to reel in his insecurity is lost and honestly, he’s ruined it.

There’s no realistic possibility that Jihoon sees where he can fix things with Soonyoung again. His heart hammers in his chest and his head throbs in confusion. 

“Jihoon!” Myungho calls from behind him. “Can you just—” voice faltering, out of breath.

“Jihoon stop. Here me out, for like, 5 minutes” 

“Not you of all people” he snarls at Myungho, just as out of breath himself. His voice comes out raw and rough and before he can continue, Myungho cuts in. 

“WE’RE NOT–” Jihoon startles. “We’re not, involved. Or whatever you think it is.”

“Give me one reas-” 

“Jihoon, from the beginning. Never. I swear.” 

He throws his head back to breathe at Jihoon’s eventual acceptance of his attempt at a conversion.  

“The first day you saw me. Soonyoung rejected me that night.”

Jihoon’s anger slowly bleeds into confusion and his face gives away more than he wants to. 

“He said he couldn't. He refused to sleep with someone else knowing he had feelings for someone else. That someone else being  you  Jihoon.” 

“...what?” His face feels hot, His eyes hurt with the pressure behind them. A trembling hand pushes back his hair and he closes his eyes in concentration. 

“And he hasn't been with anyone after that night. Jihoon, that man is in love with you and he honestly doesn't deserve this. From me or from you.” 

Jihoon stares back at him. Myungho’s words play through his mind like a broken record and Jihoon doesn't know what to feel. 

That man is in love with you

Than man

Soonyoung 

Slowly the confusion takes a sturdier form into realisation. 

His doubt. Soonyoung’s silence.

His desperation. Soonyoung’s compliance. 

He’s taken everything for granted and suddenly he’s the hypocrite. 

“You know, if you really need someone to blame, I’m here. And I honestly deserve it. Now are you going to waste your time here or do something about this?” Myungho cries out desperately. His own anxiety and frustration seeping into his words. 

Jihoon’s knees buck slightly as he’s snapped out of whatever spiral he’s going down and almost instantly he turns back towards the building. Looking back at Myungho one last time he slowly turns back to pick up speed.

Myungho’s eyes fall shut as he nods at Jihoon encouraging him to do what he needs to. 

And then he’s gone. 

—*** —

“Soonyoung-ah?” 

Jihoon’s voice sounds uncertain. He’s not sure if he deserves this moment with him. All rational possibility seems to have left him. 

He almost bursts into tears when he sees Soonyoung’s face. Hurt eyes stare back at him, his phone is in his hand mid-ring, and that's when he glances down to see his own phone silently waiting for him to swipe to accept. 

“I was trying to call you…” he trails off, voice slightly shaky, and Jihoon can only guess why. 

Jihoon tries to gulp down the emotion in his voice before he finally speaks up. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“You’ve done nothing Jihoon.”

Jihoon’s hand falls on his nape as contemplates what to say next. 

“I promise.”

“I don't know…”

Soonyoung looks at him with some deep-rooted understanding and finally speaks, slowly.

“Can I say something?”

Jihoon catches a hint in Soonyoung’s tone and his heart twists painfully while he waits, not breaking eye contact. 

“I love you. So much.”

The tears Jihoon’s been trying to keep in finally rush past the dam of his eyes and he throws his head back, desperately trying to blink back the tears. 

“I love you Jihoon. I should’ve said it sooner, I’m sorry” he takes tentative steps towards Jihoon, arms outstretched, voice thick with emotion. 

Jihoon slowly lets himself settle into Soonyoung’s arms, mumbling out an occasional apology that Soonyoung hushes.

“Myungho told me, about…”

“I’d never forgive myself if I let  go that day.”

“But you didn't,” Jihoon soothes.

Soonyoung hums back in agreement, pulling Jihoon closer. 

They spend the next few minutes taking in each other’s presence, calming themselves down, reeling their spilt emotions back in, and then Jihoon hesitantly speaks. 

“I love you too, by the way. More than you think. More than I make obvious,”

Soonyoung gently pushes his hair out of his face and moves his hands to cup his face. Sighing with a slight shudder. 

“I really want to kiss you” Jihoon grins in his hands and answers back, “And what’s stopping you?”

With a beat to spare, he lowers himself, slotting his lips against Jihoons’ in a kiss so charged and electric. Jihoon lets out a small gasp at the contact. His shoulder’s fall relaxed as Soonyoung kisses him with more fervour making Jihoon play right into his actions. 

He feels malleable in Soonyoung’s hands, all meaning being lost to time as he pushes himself up on his toes to wrap his arms around the other’s neck. 

“Ah, Jihoon, seriously—” he gasps when he pulls back for air, almost instantly being pulled back in by Jihoon, who presses one hard kiss against his lips. 

“Sofa, please.”

Soonyoung has little to no time to steady himself before he’s pulled to the sofa by Jihoon. 

A heavy hand presses down on his chest urging him to lie down while Jihoon leans over him to place soft kisses from the base of his ear to his collarbone. 

Jihoon sits back up, straddling Soonyoung as he looks down to take in Soonyoung in all his glory. He’s panting hard, eyes glassy and lips parted and the words spill out of Jihoon’s mouth almost involuntarily.

“Wow you look—” “Don't say anything” Soonyoung whispers back before he flips their positions setting Jihoon down with a soft thump. 

“I’ve imagined this for ages.” he sighs, forearms nestled around Jihoon’s face, his own face hovering inches above the other’s.

“You showing up with those hickeys got me all bothered honestly. That’s how I even realised I was gay.” Jihoon laughs, looking back. 

“I genuinely thought you were homophobic, I decided to get a little petty then.” he winces at his own words, realising how crude they must sound. 

Jihoon scrunches his nose but then bursts out laughing. “Well guess what, me too.”

“I’ve probably been in love and oblivious for ages” 

Soonyoung purses his lips and stares at Jihoon wordlessly

“I love you so much I could die,” he says finally.

“Alright, portion-control please—” Jihoon manages before he’s tackled back onto the sofa, Soonyoung dropping the entirety of his weight onto him. “I love you,” he says again, leaning down to kiss his lips briefly. 

“I love you” then his cheek,

“I love you” and his nose. 

“I-” Jihoon leans up to kiss him deeply, before parting to whisper low into his ear. 

“I love you too” 

And Soonyoung is a giggling mess. 

Of all possible ways their story could have ended, Jihoon finds this a way better than any other. 

The reassuring weight of Soonyoung on him, his fingers playing with his hair, the hum that escapes his lips as he adjusts his position to accommodate him better, the meaningless nagging that urges him to get a hair-cut and finally the constant melody of Soonyoung’s profession of love to Jihoon.

Truly— Gay, Homophobic, nothing or everything in between. Jihoon doesn't care.

For nothing matters if it’s Soonyoung he’s going back to at the end of his day.