kj-jfif - Tumblr blog

[kj-jfif]

I do not expect to do a post everyday, but rather semi-frequently, or if words need to be vented out somewhere - so, apologies if I disappear for days or even weeks at a time.

Monday 5th August 2024

Before going into the more emotional stuff, I did get a couple of things done today so far: I aimed for at least 10 minutes on the treadmill and I ended up doing 30 because I was entranced by a gold medal match between Korean and Chinese badminton players showing on one of the public gym TVs (if I recall, it might have been a Women’s Singles match). I also did 10 minutes on the stair master and it was unironically the most pain in my legs I have ever felt.

I feel vulnerable currently, so I thought that it would be appropriate if I had a place where I could express all of my current thoughts and feelings. Honestly I would have never expected taking such an action, but I do feel a modicum of soul sickness having said thoughts unaddressed.

Is it alright to love someone that doesn’t love you back?

I am trapped in this limbo with no end in sight, and as much as I try, I only have eyes for her.

I watched this video on the scourges of modern Romance (it was called “The Problem with Modern Love” by unsolicited advice, a good watch), and here I thought that it would invalidate my love so I can cast it aside easier, but in-fact it did the opposite.

So here I am, writing this down because I am trying to convince myself that, “maybe she’ll change her feelings of me a couple months down the line”, which is in direct competition with the opposite thinking of, “she doesn’t love me at all, if she did then she would try harder to love back.” and here I am, running in place - Just like a treadmill.

I am so overwhelmingly stuck because this is the first time I have looked at a woman affectionately not because of superficial traits like looks, but because I genuinely want to make her happy.

I want to take her out to a café and spend money on fancy drinks, I want to play games with her until neither of us can keep our eyes open, I want to go on picnics and look at the stars with her, I want to be there whenever she’s sad or whenever she needs a shoulder to lie on.

But I do not think she wants that of me.

I wish I never asked her out so early, I never intended to rush into anything, but that is the only impression she will have of me.