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Rambling Review: Alien Romulus (2024)

There aren't even any spoilers in here, and the review is less rambling than normal but still, let's call it Rambling for continuity.

so... we've landed somewhere in the middle between 1 star and 7 stars for this movie, closer to 1 star, honestly. 3 stars would be just right for this. cause there's nothing really good about this movie except for the visuals, esp considering that the movie cost 80 million dollars (while the Acolyte that cost 200 million dollars looks like absolute trash), which means that it's possible to do great visuals for less than 200 million dollars.

anyway, why are we at 3 stars, you might ask? cause the movie is nothing more than a regurgitated version of Alien, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Prometheus, and Covenant.... seriously, there's not one original idea in the whole movie and the pastiche that they've created here is not even that great. the beginning of the movie was fine, and the Jackson Mining Colony was interesting, if only we had spent more than 5 minutes there. the relationship between Andy and Rain is the best thing about this movie because it's at least somewhat original. but then we get introduced to a bunch of interchangeable, non-remarkable, arrogant and, worst of all, utterly stupid characters who bring their own doom upon themselves and each other. honestly, Andy deserved better than this group of idiots.

the abundance of idiotic characters is what i always have a problem with in Fede Alvarez's movies. the Evil Dead reboot would have been a great movie if not for the absolute degenerate who brute-forced the Necronomicon and then pretended like he didn't, not to mention the supposed nurse who turned out to be the worst caretaker ever, and the rest of the cast, i don't wanna remember them right now. Don't Breathe was great, mostly thanks to the absolutely brilliant Stephen Lang, but the second movie was abysmal, mostly because the filmmakers tried to force us to sympathise with a terrible character just because it's his second movie (and we all love Stephen Lang) and the other guys are even more terrible. and now we have Alien: Remixlus that gave us a character so stupid, annoying and terrible that i relished the scene where he died a horrible and absolutely deserved death. The rest of the characters are less terrible but still, not that great.

also, why are modern action movies so adamant on casting tiny little girls to pretend to be action heroes? Cailee Spaeny is so tiny that the gun blaster is half her size! how am i supposed to take her seriously? i guess it would be too much to ask to give us someone as impressive as Sigourney Weaver, Geena Davis or Charlize Theron, to name a few, but why can't we at least have someone taller than 5'5??

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Rambling Review: In a Violent Nature (2024)

Rambling Review, Large Edition

WARNING! All the spoilers ahead!

I'm not sure and I'm not gonna check, but this movie might have invented the concept of Horror ASMR. As in, the movie that masquerades as horror but is really not, in actuality is an ASMR video of a man walking through the forest for most of the runtime. Essentially, this is a 90-minute video of nature sounds, steps, and characters with the IQ of teapots talking really slowly and quietly, so it's perfect for those who have trouble falling asleep. 

I wish I was joking but this is what the movie really is. The characters seriously talk like ASMR YouTubers and I can't believe that we're at a place in human history when that is an acceptable way to talk to people. 

If I hadn't read the brief description of the movie, I wouldn't have known that the killer is a resurrected corpse of a boy who was thrown off a fire tower or something, I fell asleep when they were telling that story by the fire, and somehow a golden locket being removed from the tree branch where the corpse was buried had reanimated him, so he now must walk for what feels like eternity to retrieve the stupid locket. And I guess he's a real connoisseur of jewellery cause the first golden locket that he found in some guy's house wasn't what he was looking for. 

Btw, if the reanimated corpse is the boy who was thrown off the roof, then why did he grow into a six-foot-five man while being buried in the ground? Someone said that this was like Friday the 13th and I'm just gonna take this explanation at face value cause I'm not well-versed in Friday the 13th lore.

Anyway, apart from this lump of a killer we have a collection of cardboard cutouts of idiotic characters like:

1: Man who, upon seeing a scary monster in his house, runs away into the forest as opposed to anywhere else, screams for help to.. the birds, I guess, and proceeds to fall into his own bear trap that he had somehow forgotten about even though he was berated for the traps just five minutes ago by a police officer;

2: Man who gets half his face cut off for telling the most boring story ever, or at least that's how I interpret why he was killed;

3: Woman who goes swimming in the lake and gets cut up/drowned/dismembered/beheaded in the water - who can tell when nothing is shown and the movie is more interested in showing that the Killer Corpse can walk under water;

4: Woman who, upon seeing a scary monster approaching, tries to step back, sees that she is at the edge of a cliff, and proceeds to quietly accept her fate instead of trying to run away in literally any other direction;

5: Man who, upon hearing a car horn blaring, yells at no one so loudly that he can't hear the very loud footsteps behind him, however at least tries to fight the Killer Corpse, gets hit in the thigh with an axe and acts like he is now paralysed, as he proceeds to crawl on his elbows instead of trying to run while the Killer Corpse smashes his head with a boulder;

6: Man who shoots the Killer Corpse once and thinks that it's enough, doesn't bother to check if the Killer Corpse is breathing (which he very clearly is, but also why is he breathing? He is no longer human and he can't be killed, so why are his lungs pumping oxygen through his body?), and then gets an axe thrown at his head, fatally;

I can't continue to write about the kills anymore, suffice it to say the characters get progressively more ridiculously stupid as the movie goes on, and on, and on. Seriously, how is it only 90 minutes long but feels like 9 hours?!

Btw, we get treated to the visage of the Killer Corpse when for half of the movie his face was strategically hidden, and I suppose they thought it was going to be a pivotal scene in the film to fill the viewer with even more horror and dread, but all I could think about was, Hey look! It's the Mountain from Game of Thrones! 

I was so bored that I took a break from this movie and now I can barely force myself to keep watching. I understand that people praise this "unique concept" - fine, maybe it's interesting to watch a horror movie entirely from the killer's perspective. But not when this killer is a reanimated corpse with one goal in mind - retrieve some stupid locket - and absolutely no charisma, personality, or in fact anything interesting about him to follow. And yes, there is blood and gore, and the yoga kill was semi-interesting but it's executed so poorly - the movie clearly didn't have the budget for realistic effects so it went with the Terrifier approach - that there is absolutely no impact whatsoever. And I'm not even a fan of Terrifier, but Art the Clown is at least a charismatic devil of a killer who's actually exciting to watch and even with the terrible dialogue in those movie, there are some memorable characters. 

Oh no, the surviving Man just yelled "What are you waiting for?!?" to the Killer Corpse and he didn't even do it in an over the top, Jennifer Love Hewitt way. WTF?!?! And now we're hearing their idiotic dialogue at full blast, well full whisper-blast, but still. And... I refuse to write about this stupidity anymore, it's insulting at this point.

Oh look, the Final Girl got stabbed through the ankle with a tree branch (at least I think that's what happened - it was too dark to see clearly and also, I don't care), yet she is limping along on both her legs, unlike that previous moron who got lightly grazed in the thing with an axe and acted like he got paralysed. I guess they're hinting that she will make it, and she might as well cause the Killer Corpse is no longer the POV so I guess he will go back to ground now with him stupid locket intact. And now we must look at the girl walking because there hasn't been enough walking in this stupid effing movie. And now she's been picked up by some woman and she won't even say what happened, not even a hint? That's an interesting strategy. The girl was completely calm when the Killer Corpse kept pounding the ground where her boyfriend's head used to be, so maybe she's into this kind of stuff and she doesn't want to tell anyone about what happened cause she wants to go back and do some funny business with the corpses and maybe dig up Johnny the Corpse Boy? That would actually be interesting, so of course we're not gonna have that in this boring ass movie. 

Btw, I still don't understand what this movie's tagline is even about - Nature is unforgiving. Like... huh? What the eff does that even mean? If anything, it should be - Nature doesn't give an F about you! Cause the final nature shots are pretty clear - no matter how many morons died in these woods last night, nature just keeps going like nothing ever happened. Like, tomorrow you ain't gonna be here, but nature sure will be.

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I want this autumn to arrive already! I'm sick of the August 2.0 that we've been having so far.

autumn walks 🍁🎃☕️🍂

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Rambling Review: Phenomena (1985)

WARNING! ALL THE SPOILERS ARE HERE!

Jennifer Connelly is so stunningly beautiful and very talented for such a young age! I love her hair, among other things. And not even Dario Argento's silliness can ruin her soft and calming presence. Let's see how she does here, but I do have high hopes for her. For the movie, not so much. We've already had our first death scene, and it was as stupid and funny as I've come to expect from Argento. Still have no idea why he's considered to be a horror movie director, and a great one at that. Is it only because of Suspiria?...

Donald Pleasence is an international treasure! I'm not proud that I wasn't able to remember his name at first, or even the name of his Halloween character... Shame! But that's fine, I remember the famous quote, and that's what counts.

In the meantime, the movie is not even that funny, mostly just boring. And I have no idea what's going on. But I'm fine with just watching the beauty that is Jennifer Connelly. And the calm vibe is nice. I need to get my nerves back together, after the washing machine freakout. 

Why are we so comfortably sexualising 14-year-old Jennifer Connelly? Yes, I know it's 1985, but still, teenagers were not legal back then, not even in Italy. Of course, what do I expect from Dario Argento who spent many movies sexualising his own daughter?...

Btw, is this classified as a horror movie based on how horrifically boring and slow it is?

I'm sure that many people find the use of songs in Argento's films cool, but I just find it absurd. The random rock songs in the middle of mundane and boring scenes are overkill. It doesn't add any action to the movie, rather it emphasises how boring the movie is.

Why are these Swiss bitches bullying Jennifer Connelly?! Going through her personal notes and everything, and the headmistress is fully supporting and participating in it. This escalated quickly... Jennifer will be better off moving in with Donald Pleasance and the adorable monkey. And look at her, being so graceful, telling the mean girls that she loves them while having the insects swarm the place. And now the Bitchmistress is having Jennifer committed to a mental hospital?! That is unacceptable! 

Overall, poor Jennifer suffers a lot of abuse in this movie. It's kind of setting the tone for her future career where most of her movies aren't happy ones. Almost drowning in a corpse-infested swamp-pool has got to be up there with the worst indecencies suffered by an actor while filming. It's impressive that this experience didn't stop her from continuing to act in depressing movies. 

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Rambling Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

WARNING! ALL THE SPOILERS ARE HERE!

Where was the girl keeping the gun?... Let's just assume it was somehow tied to her inner thigh and leave it at that. The scene is horrific enough as it is. I like that the premise of them not going to the police about this is believable - they have pot stashed in the car so they can't go to the cops or they'll get arrested.

In a way, it's good that I watched the prequel first. Now I know what it's all about - who the Sheriff is, who the clerk lady is, why the guys are supposed to head to the Crawford Mill, etc. I guess Sheriff Hoyt learned his lesson from the prequel - instead of going and fetching the prey himself, he makes the prey come to him. Also, remember that Cousin Hewitt got his legs blown/sawed off in the prequel so he can't help with fetching.

oh Jessica... your intentions are pure and your heart is in the right place, but it's also what will get you all killed. - in fact, her good-heartedness is what got them in this mess in the first place. If she didn't insist on stopping to help the messed up girl, none of this would have happened. Also, this is kind of a twist on the old premise - now we have five able-bodied unhurt young people altogether in a group. How are they gonna get separated and taken down? That's interesting. Cause before it was either people separating and being differently abled, or starting off with being injured. But this is a new set-up. I suppose the kid will act as bait. And them being kind of stupid - you should have listened to the nerd. And while I kind of in a way get it about getting the girl's body back to her parents (how they're gonna find them is another question) but also, they are essentially all getting killed because of some weird honouring of an already dead body. So, I get it but I also really don't get it. And now they got separated into two different locations, that's just great.

I wonder, even without seeing the prequel, who would believe that R. Lee Ermey is the actual Sheriff? Just look at him. And listen to him, such sass. I know I'm not supposed to like him even a little bit, but again, thanks to the prequel, I appreciate this character. He is a great horror movie villain, the demented mastermind of the whole Hewitt operation.

LEATHERFACE! Don't judge me, I'm a fan.

Is this proper police procedure to wrap up suicide victims in Saran wrap? I know that the guys are traumatised and not thinking clearly, but they should be really suspicious of this Sheriff. And yet, you have to admire Ermey's commitment to this character, complete with anecdotes from "his patrol days". Wait... is he actually letting the other kids go? Not forcing them into his car to go and testify or something? That's interesting. So far, they only have one captured victim, and while that's the arguably biggest and strongest guy, there are still four capable young people running around unattended. Alright, I'm invested now.

So, the collection of abandoned rusted cars, people's teeth, and the suicide girl's photo in a jar don't raise suspicion? You still wanna stick around and investigate? Okay, fine, now you can't abandon your friend, but why are you separating again? 

Meanwhile, Leatherface is just out here, minding his business, working on his new catch. I bet he doesn't even question how the guy got in the house, who he may have been with, etc. He's just happy to have a new body to dissect and possibly a face to take.

Ms Leather The Face is at it again! Keeping it pushing. Gotta love the determination and the trek skills. Also, why so many sheets hung out to dry? Makes for a cool visual, but what is the practical purpose and explanation?

Yay, Ermey is back! And now we're getting closer to the climactic third act with all the kids now in "custody" in one way or another and taken back to the Hewitt house. Ms Face treating the second guy like literally a piece of meat is dementedly brilliant. He treats the cut-off limb with salt so as to preserve it. He is preparing the meat for conservation. And yes, here he goes, working on his new face. And oh wow, his old face is... gross. I suppose that disease they mentioned in the prequel took parts of his face along with it. Rotting from the outside, so to speak. Also, I love the juxtaposition of Leatherface's physical horror and Ermey's psychological horror. Leatherface is a brutal executioner while Ermey goes for psychological torture and making people inflict physical pain on themselves, like with the poor nerd. This whole scene is fantastic! So well acted, so tense. This is how you do it!

The poor dude trying to get himself off the meat hook is... too much. It's making me physically sick and I can stomach a lot of horror. I'm not even joking, my breakfast is starting to repeat on me from all this carnage.

How does this movie have such a low rating on IMDB? What's wrong with people? This is such a solid horror film, especially for a remake.

I tell you... when Ms Face slashed the girl open and then turned around and looked at Jessica with her boyfriend's face... that is the perfect blend of physical and psychological horror right there. Visceral is also the word we could use here. We could use all the words, really. This is seriously one of the best horror movies I've seen in a while! And now Jessica has encountered the Tea Lady and shit is about to get even more demented. And I already feel sick as it is. Honestly, I'm having Tick-Tacks and black sugared tea cause my stomach can't take this, and I usually eat along with stuff like Saw and Hostel, but this is some next-level shit... I am actually taking a break because I can't take it anymore. Wow...

Oh no, the Tea Lady is gonna drug Jessica, right? And I'm guessing that baby came from the suicide girl? Oh yeah, I guessed it!

Oh look, Ms Face changed his face. I guess the new one didn't fit him well enough. Maybe he should try the other dude, he had a broader jawline.

This is morbid. Poor guy can't get off the meat hook although they keep trying, and he's just hanging there, playing the piano with his one leg. Asking Jessica to finish him - and she actually did, wow. They can never do it, but Jessica is special. 

JESUS! The nerd was in the bathtub and I thought it was the boyfriend who even without a face was somehow still alive. And I screamed, sorry neighbours! I actually screamed which again, never happens. What a movie!

Okay, hiding in some house is kinda stupid, but where else are they gonna go? I kind of get it. I'm guessing the nerd is still gonna die and Jessica might make it. 

This movie is a never-ending torture parade. Jessica somehow escaped the abandoned house (only because Ms Face got caught in the barbed wire and sliced his leg open.) But he caught up quickly at the meat-packing plant which again is operational and looks legit (remember the horror show from the prequel?)

Wow... that was a lot. I now need a sedative in the form of One Fine Day which I can finally watch. But this movie, this fucking movie... was fantastic! It is a testament to how truly gruesome a horror movie is if it made me scream and feel physically sick. Bravo, cast and crew!

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leeepfrog: 45 and alive. 🧟

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Lee Pace on the cover of GQ Hype (August 2022)

Read the interview here

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Rambling Review: Cruel Intentions (1999)

Yep, I’m reviewing “Cruel intentions” like I haven’t seen this movie a hundred times when I was growing up. But I opened the flood-gates by reviewing SATC, so it’s all downhill from there, lol. Plus, it’ll be fun, I haven’t seen this in ages, and I think I’ve only seen it in English a couple of times, so really it’s almost like a new movie.

Why didn’t Ryan Phillipe happen more? He had everything going for him: really handsome, blond, charming, charismatic, and dat ass! Still he kind of withered into oblivion. Can it really be as simple as Reese overpowering him? It’s so funny to see them in this movie together, like she’s so young and innocent, and he’s spoiled and worldly, he’s in charge, and yet… 

Good thing that Sarah Michelle Gellar really happened and is still happening. I love her! She’s excellent in this movie. This role was written for her, yet who would’ve thought, huh? 

Sebastian and Catherine are the original Chuck and Blair, with the added edge of semi-incest. 

Joshua Jackson is in this! I completely forgot about it. And he’s a blond fag, that’s just awesome.

I love how they weave the letters into the movie. And Sebastian’s diary. The epistolary needs to be present because of the source material, and the way they incorporate it isn’t even lame. 

Josh is so sassy, lol. Too bad this is, like, his last scene in this movie.

I can’t remember why Sebastian decided to go for Cecile after all. Oh, it’s because her mother was the one who was writing the letters to Reese! And I remembered it five seconds before they said it on-screen, ha!

“Down boy” - classic case of the blue balls!

“Email is for perverts and pedophiles. Be a romantic, write her another letter” - so true. 

When Sebastian and Catherine put on their smiley angelic faces it really gives me the creeps. Especially Sebastian, I’m sure that’s how the grown-up Damian from Omen would look. This only intensifies as the movie progresses. In the old folks’ home I almost feel bad for the adorable old lady, though she’s demented so it’s okay for her. 

Anette sure doesn’t dress like a virgin. All these pastel coloured, tight, cleavage numbers are cruel, ha, is that pun intended on behalf of the film makers? Her First Kiss with Sebastian number especially reminds me of her freak-out in “Legally blonde” - “What is it then? Are my boobs too big for you?!”

I love these enormous country houses where people can go weeks without running into each other. Like how Annette and Catherine never meet face to face, yet Catherine is there almost all the time.

The break-up scene is what Twilight would have wanted to achieve in Eclipse, only couldn’t as neither of the protagonists were capable of expressing feelings.

Catherine’s speech where she shreds Sebastian is flawless. 

I’ve always debated who got it worse in the end. We can certainly say that the moral victory goes to Annette, she got to expose Catherine for the evil queen that she is. Still, that doesn’t bring back Sebastian, and it still puts a dent in Annette’s perfect reputation, even though you figure she lost her virginity to the man she loved. Still, I can’t proclaim Catherine a loser. Of course, she wouldn’t be able to stay in Manhattan but I can see her moving to, let’s say, London and starting over, conquering new territory. She would always rise from the flames, like the badass phoenix that she is. And Sebastian can’t rise from the dead even if he tries.

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Rambling Review: Batman v Superman (2016)

OMFG I already hate this movie! How many times do  we have to see Bruce Wayne’s parents being killed?! We  get it, he’s a sad little billionaire orphan - move  the fuck on already! I understand more and more why  Deadpool is such a big deal and how superior it is to  these terrible comic book movies. Enough whining!! And  of course this being Zack freakin’ Snyder everything  has to be in suuuuper sloooooow moooootion. Ugh. I bet  if you sped up his movies they’d be at least an hour  shorter and that much more bearable. But it’s okay,  this will give me a chance to catch up on the  celebrity pics.

WTF Batman levitates now?! Get the fuck out of  here!

Um, excuse me, what? The entire building of  Wayne’s company is populated by idiots, right? There’s  no other way to explain why none of them even thought  about evacuating when the giant alien spaceship was  blowing shit up right next door. I mean how fucking  stupid do you have to be?! And may I remind you, Zack,  that Batman is an ordinary dude with not an ounce of  superpower so how the fuck is he running into a  collapsing skyscraper unscathed? And lifting heavy  metal structures? And what the fuck is a horse doing  there?

And I should probably stop asking questions right  now cause no one’s gonna give me an explanation of  this monstrosity, right? Right, so I should stop.

Wow, these titles are so helpful. Somewhere in  the Indian Ocean - could you be a tiny bit more  specific?

How are they still allowing Snyder to make  Justice League?! Is it not enough that he so famously  ruined the ultimate battle of these fan favorites?

Oh hi, Holly Hunter. I somehow didn’t miss you  and your terrible diction.

This is why I hate comic book movies: they go by  the canon and ignore how fucking idiotic it is. Like,  how the fuck is Superman masquerading as a commoner  with the help of some glasses? Oh shit, I’m still  asking questions, I really should stop.

Amy Adams is way too good for this movie.

Batman crawls on walls and ceiling now? And  brands people? What the fuck am I watching?! I mean it  makes sense with Ben Affleck’s face and Jeremy Irons  as his butler - these two old pervs are capable of  more atrocious things. Now I see what people meant by  Affleck being the best Batman when essentially we  thought he would be the worst, even worse than  Clooney. But they were right - Batfleck is the best  thing to come out of this smelly pile of dog shit.

Jeremy Irons should be the voice of Batman, and  they wouldn’t even have to change his voice at all.

Who the fuck cooks eggs topless? Whatever gets  Henry topless, I guess.

Ugh, here’s the Intolerable Douche Iceberger, or whatever his name is.

I’m so sick of this whole thing looking like it  was filmed through all the Instagram filters. Ugh.

The ultimate fight was actually pretty cool. And  then Martha had to ruin everything. Damn you, Martha.  And no way did Louise hear the whole Martha thing from  way over there - this whole excuse makes absolutely no  sense.

This is one of the most infuriatingly stupid  movies I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying a lot…

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Rambling Review: Subservience (2024)

I was hoping they would go CAMP! with this, esp when the first shot of Megan AI has her VISIBLY BREATHING OUT. I mean, come on! How hard is it to erase a breath of cold air from the shot? I was hoping it was intentional and setting the tone for the movie, but I was wrong... sort of. I'm still not sure what the tone of the movie is, but Megan is playing it like a comedy, I think. Like a dark comedy, sure, but she's not taking this 100% seriously, and I love her for it. Her new plastic face and body is just perfect for a role like this, as is her personality and sense of humour. I would say that she was born for this role, but that's exactly the point - she wasn't born, but rather MADE for this role.

And the Hot Italiano is growing on me, a lot... I despised him in those horrible 365 Days movies, but I guess that's a testament to him being a good actor, and those movies being simply terrible. But here, he's really good. And he is very talented with the accent - you can barely hear any, unless it's an emotional scene where he loses his grip, slightly. But most of the time you can't hear any Italian at all. 

Meanwhile, the movie is actually quite good. Kind of like Ex Machina, if I remember it correctly. A super-advanced and super-hot AI gains awareness, drops the notion that it's wrong to hurt people, and plans to take over the world. 

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Rambling Review: Eurovision Song Contest (2020)

What even in this movie? 

Is it supposed to be a parody? But a parody of what, Eurovision? Eurovision already is a parody. 

Is it supposed to be a comedy? It's not funny. Unless you can laugh at basic prat-fall comedy. 

And why is this movie so freakin' long? Why do I have to sit through two hours of this crap?

The story is quite basic. Childhood friends, Lars and Sigrit, spend their ordinary lives in a small town in Iceland dreaming about participating in the Eurovision song contest. All of a sudden they get a chance to perform in the Icelandic song contest, where they fail miserably (I guess their performance is supposed to be funny). After a freak accident involving all of Iceland's top singing talent, Lars and Sigrit are literally the only singers left in Iceland. So, the Ministry of Culture (just a guess, I have no idea who these people are) have no choice but to submit this duo for Eurovision. We follow Lars and Sigrit through the whole prep process to the grand finale. 

I have so many questions for the movie, some of which I've already asked, but there are plenty more left.

Who is this movie made for? Obviously, it's made for Will Ferrell, it's his longtime passion project. Apart from him, who in the States knows or cares about Eurovision? And if it's not meant for Americans, then for who? Europeans? But Europeans actually know and care about Eurovision, so they would have no reason to watch this crap. Over here in Mother Russia we care a lot about Eurovision, and lemme tell you, the actual Eurovision contest is a much better comedy than this snooze-fest. Seriously, how could you turn a movie about a fun, colourful, ridiculous song contest into such a boring, empty experience? It looks like very little effort was put into making it, starting from the cardboard characters, to the generic dialogue, to mild intrigue and backstabbing, to the songs which are much better during the actual contest. The only stand-out song is the final one, but it's not worth it sitting through two hours of this movie in order to get to the song.

Let's talk about the acting, maybe? Do we have to? Will Ferrell continues his decline, both in terms of choosing projects and in terms of acting in them. He is way too old to be playing this character, and he looks and acts like an utter idiot. Maybe he could have pulled off this character 10-20 years ago, but not now. I suppose he did his own singing, not that it's an accomplishment, really... But at least it's something. Dan Stevens was quite good in the caricature Russian role. In fact, his character is the only semi-interesting character of the film. And his accent work is really good, not over-the-top, like most fake Russian accents in movies.

Finally, Rachel McAdams is the only saving grace of this garbage can fire of a movie. She is such an angel that I could watch her in almost anything. She infuses her character with so much heart, passion, and warmth that it's impossible to resist her charm. If only she didn't look 20 years younger than Will Ferrell so that we could believe their relationship even a little bit.

I suppose what should have saved this movie are the songs, and the people who sing them. And that's another problem. It's so painfully obvious that Rachel is not doing her own singing that even when I want to believe her acting, I can't because the dissonance between her actual voice and her singing voice is too great. The singing voice they used for Dan Stevens also didn't work, but it didn't matter as much. Too bad they wasted Demi Lovato on, essentially, a cameo. 

All in all, this is not worth your time and energy, but at least it's a Netflix movie so you don't have to spend additional funds in order to watch it. 

Your time would be much better spent watching Blades of glory, an actual comedy about another ridiculous event - figure skating and a great Will Ferrell performance.

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Lights, camera, bitch smile.

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Angel Heart, Spanish lobby card. 1987

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Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway, director Barbet Schroeder, and Charles Bukowski

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Charlotte Rampling and Mickey Rourke on the set of Angel Heart

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Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet c. 1987

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It's a bit concerning how much I love this movie...

Mickey Rourke as Harry Angel

Angel Heart, 1987