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[kookie211071]

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[kookie211071]

Physical books

Idk if anyone could relate to this but I really enjoy reading- but reading the physical books. I ABSOLUTELY love reading a physical book. The joy of holding it in your hands and smelling its pages.

[kookie211071]

Losing interest in stuff

I have lost my interest in sooo many things. Yes ik that our likes and dislikes change with time, and our interest changes too. I seem to have lost interest in so many things now. I don't enjoy the same stuff as I used to when I was young. Here are the things responsible-

Growing up and getting disappointed by the world.

Having my hopes and trust broken by people

Not having a healthy family environment

Responsibilities in life

So ig yeah. That's what has happened. Also, I'm HIGHLY SENSITIVE. I used to take things by heart, especially the disappointments. It was difficult for me to let it go and forget about it so easily.

Well but still, there are still so many things that I feel like if i give enough time to it, I could possibly have some enthusiasm and passion and happiness back to life. Art is very important. Things I therefore care about-

Good music

Spirituality

Yoga

Guitar

Dance (not sure about this tho. doesn't excites me as much it used to. Again, its the responsibilities, priorities to these stupid board exams, and thus nit having anything as a side hobby. No one actually cared about teaching it to me lol)

Things I used to like but lost my interest-

Solving rubiks cube

Dancing

making barbie dresses with napkin and other craft

drawing painting etc

Also, one thing that i highly miss is,- PLAYING WITH FRIENDS. THE GAMES OUTDOOR. Oh hahaha what a good time it was. I used to be so excited each day to go out and play and after school. I never used to take an afternoon nap. I used to be so happy lol. And I could do anything to get that time back. I don't even remember the last time I played. Wish I had known of it so that I could cry and play lol. I really miss that time and wanna experience that again. Playing outdoor games with my friends.

[kookie211071]

Dumping my thoughts cause its 3am.

Im usually in a drunk state at 3am lol. No, I am not actually drunk lol, but I just behave that way. My life is kinda boring nowadays or maybe I just cant find happiness in anything I try or do. The fact that I’m practicing detachment right now. I just feel very detached nowadays. It’s actually a good thing tho because I no longer have to bear the load of constantly overthinking about other people’s problems or life. I have really stopped giving a shit rn. The problem is that I its difficult for me to feel the “happy” emotions I used to feel before. I do feel the “sad” emotions but happy ones aren’t the same for me. As a kid, I used to get happy and excited by the small little things in life. But I have always or mostly encountered people who always killed those vibes. Ugh. Its a sigh moment for me. Now the present version of me doesn’t has that feature anymore. I just dont get it excited when it comes to people. I am never excited.

I just dont have to stop yk. But im still not sure about my dreams. I feel unreal and lethargic and jt sucks.

[kookie211071]

A life without smartphones?

I was wondering what my life would be without a smartphone or any other advanced technology. I am 19 rn, in the year 2023. I wonder what would my life look like if I was 19 in the year 2008? Idk why I thought of this random year. But it makes me nostalgic about things which I experienced in the early 2000s. I was 4 year old in the year 2008 but I remember a lot of things.

My mother’s youngest brother, my uncle, he was 20 years old in the year 2008 and I remember spending a lot of time with him. When I remember his behavior at age 20 and compare it with my present 19 year old self, I don’t really see a huge difference. That means that although he doesn’t represent the entire youth of that time, it still does make me realize that young adults are more or less the same; with technology and without technology.

I remember sitting in his room when he used to call one of his best friends and they used to talk about different stuff and vibe and chill and make fun of each other and what not. I was just 4, but I remember it all and its kinda saved in my subconscious mind. There are times when you dont understand something at the time it happens, but you make sense of it later when you grow up. That’s exactly what happened with me.

Now, back to my imagination. As someone who gets fascinated by the old school retro stuff, I really feel like going back to that time. I wonder how my life would be without these social media platforms, fast internet, etc. (and now we have chatgpt!) Lol. Technology has doubt made our lives much easier and these social media platforms made us feel that the world is big yet small, by connecting us together, but I feel like it made us get it all so easily that we fail to understand the value of it all. We now take it for granted. We easily get connected to each other by a few clicks and fast internet that now we have the choice to be connected with people. We choose to reply or not, we choose to respond, we choose to initiate digital conversations.

If the year 2023 was like the year 2008, I would be careful to try to tell everything to my close friends in a single sms as possible. Using a few words, because tying on nokia wouldn’t be that easy, and the fact that it isn’t free to send an sms lol. I need to use my phone balance carefully. Instead of texting, I would have to call my friends to ask them about something important. These conversations would be meaningful because I’d try to talk about many things in that single call. I would have to ask them to dictate me the assignments or notes that i missed by being absent in school or college.

I would have a camera, to click pictures and try to click the best shots in the first go because reels come at a cost too. Then I would go to the printing shop to get them printed to be placed safely in the albums. Those hardcopy albums would be worth opening later to revisit the memories and feel it by touching them.

I would have to buy cds to download music on my windows laptop. The laptop with the least storage and a few pre installed games. Placing cds and watching movies or songs. I would also keep my cds safe in a file. (I remember going through my uncle’s cd collection which was soooo cool!)

I would also have torch because I lowkey loved it when the electricity used to go down in the evening and we used to switch on torches and candles.

The big fat tv, the used to take up a lot of space! Omg. The music stereo system! The mario video games! I would have it all.

I would spend my time reading books, playing guitar, solving a Rubik’s cube, sketching or crafting origami pieces. Making dresses for my barbie dolls, playing with the other toys or doing my makeup. I would spend time doing it all.

There would be no social media, no smart phone addiction. Only good vibes.

[kookie211071]

Is it just me, or does anybody?

Why do I feel like doing everything at once? I wanna play guitar, I wanna solve my Rubik’s cube, I wanna dance, I was learn skateboarding, I wanna learn filmmaking and editing…the list is kinda never ending. Because its, sooo long, I don’t feel like doing anything. I get overwhelmed and these negative emotions just make me feel like I need to be perfect in all these things. I imagine my ideal self doing all of this and being good at it. Then comparing myself to that ideal self sucks because ik its hard to achieve perfection in reality.

I feel like i can still do it all, by thinking and believing that its okay to not be good at everything. But getting scared of these negative emotions instead of dealing with them is even worse because it will never get me started.

Yes, i procrastinate because its not about laziness or poor time management, it’s actually because i just don’t feel like doing the activities because my brain makes me think that it will require a lot of efforts.

I miss my childhood self because i can not recall even one incident where i felt like i dont wanna do something. I would just get started without even thinking whether I’ll succeed in it or not. I have to do the same. Not giving into my procrastination because its more like a hypnotism that i am doing to my own self.

The person who is stopping me from achieving success in life is me myself.

[kookie211071]

How to feel better when you’re out of mind and dont know what to do.

So, there are times when I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like I am empty from inside. I feel like I’m a hallucination. I feel like I’m just existing and not living. I feel like I’m not here in the present moment because either I’m recalling the past memories and recreating them in my mind to enact them; or I am just creating fake scenarios in head by being delusional.

This makes me bored after a while so start scrolling my phone and waste some more time just to figure out what to watch or listen to. I get bored after listening to music because I start feeling overwhelmed after a while. A part of my body craves to learn something new or be disciplined. I wanna live like someone who is consistent and aware about themselves. I just cant execute it after planning. Maybe i need to sleep a little more lol.

These external motivations fail to motivate me when I’m feeling like this. If there is a reason behind my laziness, I do get motivated and get up again. But feeling unmotivated for no reason, it’s scary. I doubt if this is real a part of my personality. I very well know that my future depends on me and only me. But in these situations, I honestly stop caring about everything and I just don’t know what to do. For me, it’s either too much or nothing at all. I hope I can improve this and work upon myself.

[kookie211071]

Reminder to the brain

So, I'm done with setting my goals for the upcoming year 2023 and I'm not quite sure whether my future self will follow it or not. Whether or not will I work hard to establish the daily goals I set for myself... So it's really important to ask yourself a few questions before starting your day and ending your day.

Starting of the day:

1. What's my priority?

2. Do I accept the challenges of today? To complete them?

3. Will I better in going through the same routine but a bit more efficiently than yesterday?

4. Will I procrastinate and let the devil in my head make me give up?

5. Do I really wanna be a better person this year? Will I get to meet my ideal-self in reality someday?

At the end of the day:

1. Was I able to win the challenge my past self gave me? Or did I lose?

2. And I proud of myself today?

3. What did I learn Today?

4. What are the mistakes I made today? Why did it happen? How will I improve it?

5. Am I working hard?

[kookie211071]

A note to myself before the year ends..

Sometimes it's just too hard for us all. Sometimes it's not. You feel happy sometimes...you feel bad sometimes... sometimes life feels like it's hell.. sometimes it feels rosy and garden-garden.

Idk why am I saying this...but I'm just happy at the current moment. The moment while I'm typing this very sentence. I feel happy and blessed. I wonder why i don't feel the same when I'm sad. Haha. Just feeling blessed for my life and also guilty for those days when used to say that life is shitty. I just feel like thanking God for giving me the gift of life. Maybe some small moments of joy serve as a reminder that you should value life and shouldn't rant about it. Life is all about making your way through all the challenges and rewarding yourself with good moments of joy... to feel blessed and energetic, yet again.

I've been feeling happy these days. Genuinely. And the reason is not because something great happened today. These days are still the same. It's just ME, who has recently been living differently. I've recently started doing meditation and yoga after waking up early in morning. I've started listening to fiction audiobooks which are free on YouTube and recently have been listening to this audiobook- "It ends with us" by Colleen Hoover.

This book makes me blush and happy all the time. I listen to it whenever I'm doing my household chores, which I usually find boring and I procrastinate. Now I'm doing these chores happily since I give myself the permission to listen to this audiobook while doing the tasks. It's one of the best feelings trust me. It gives me the motivation to do something, rewarding myself at the same time...which makes the whole process really joyous and relaxing.

I've been spending a good amount of quality time with my parents too. When my dad returns to home after his tiring day at the office, when my mom is done with the major household chores, when my younger sister is back from school and done with her homework...we all TALK. Just keep talking and laughing and it's really good. I hate to admit this but I never really used to value these precious moments before. But now when I do, i feel grateful for all this every single day.

I was making myself belive that I'm in depression for a long time lol. Always self criticising myself, telling myself how bad my life is and having a negative perception about nearly everything. I was forcing myself into just existing and not LIVING my life.

Life is beautiful and we need to value it. As I said above that all the days were the same. What changed was my perception and some of my habits. A change of perception of life from that of a negative to a positive one. A change of habits from that of staying awake till late night and waking up the next afternoon to now sleeping early and waking up early to do yoga-meditation and ground myself.

I've accepted myself now. At the same time, I'm improving myself too. Self improvement and self acceptance go hand in hand and are the two different sides of the same coin. You'll only improve yourself once you accept yourself the right way and start loving yourself. Also, self-reflection is really important as I'm doing right now.

This year is about to end and I'm proud of myself for realising all this just at the right time. I'll be setting some realistic goals for myself and gonna work upon them keeping all these things in mind. I hope I can be a better person at the end of the upcoming year.

One thing that I wanna tell to myself and to the ones who will be reading this (if they do):- If you think you have a mental disorder or illness like depression or something similar, it's okay. It wasn't your choice to go through this. But, GETTING OUT OF IT is certainly a choice. If you can't FIND happiness, you need to BUILD it for yourself. Just like I did.

Xoxo

[kookie211071]

Blue & Grey

For all those who dont know, this song was originally written in English by the BTS singer Kim Taehyung, when he was feeling low and depressed. This song beautifully portrays the emotions and feelings one goes through when is depressed/highly upset.

Life is a rollercoaster of emotions. As a human being, IT'S OKAY TO NOT FEEL OKAY. You aren't a machine or a robot who is expected to be happy, excited, energetic and motivated at all times. Feeling bad and low is part of your life so you aren't abnormal or mentally unstable for feeling low at times.

When all these negative emotions come to you, you either start crying for no reason at all or you may feel emotionally numb. You know there is a lot of work to do and you are wasting your time by crying and not feeling like doing anything...BUT! As I said above, it's okay to give time to yourself and just STAY STILL at the moment. Give time your body to start feeling normal again. After a lot of exercises, you start feeling physically tired and need rest for your body. You want to relax your body.... Similarly, after a lot of burdensome days, you start feeling MENTALLY tired. Therefore, you need to give a break to your MIND as well.

I hope this makes sense to you and makes your day a little better.

Love yourself. Your mind too deserves rest and peace :))

Now cheer up buddy!! 🌻💪😼

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[The above picture is designed by me. DO NOT REPOST OR COPY. You guys can follow my Instagram page on car_door_guy_jin ]

#taehyung #bts #mentalhealth