kyemeruthie

[kyemeruthie]

checking in

It's been a blissful hiatus from Tumblr. I realized I haven't written that much here, dumped my thoughts because finally there's someone I can talk to about anything. A is such a chatter -- animated and funny, often the same topics and person to trash haha but there's also always something new about our conversations, such a visuals person. I can be the talker too, but equally the listener. The usual "uhmms" and "ahh", always laughing with hampas on the side when we're together, need to send some emojis or snort some sound when on the phone, such joy.

What I really enjoy most is the domesticity of our conversations. Coordinating chores, egging each other to buy something we "deserve" while simultaneously saying we don't have money, going over our food choices and coffee rankings, and ranting about the things and events around us. And even in silence, or lying side by side, one is phone-ing, the other is reading, there is beauty, a hum of contentment.

Sorry internet for not using you as much. A human conversation is always the best, occasional dumps here remains a good practice. I have also been handwriting some notes, another good exercise for both the hand and the mind.

***

Speaking of conversations, I have been doing a lot of ChatGPT exchanges. It has become my scaffold for writing and support for enhancing our promotional materials. Part of it because I can't rely on some of our staff to match my writing pace (i.e., they're good, it's just I can't always tell them to write pronto bec they often get rattled), so Chat has been a reliable colleague for that matter. So far, I'm getting good results.

During our Bangkok trip, we've talked about this. And we all agreed that AI is neither good nor bad, much like every kind of technology. You need to know how to use it to your advantage. After this stint with Duolingo on rehearsing my Bahasa Indonesia, I'll enrol in a short course on prompt engineering.

That's about me checking in. Will try to make it more often. If not, you'd probably know why. :)

[kyemeruthie]

Silly selfies

Selfies used to be silly Now they are not as much A grin here Wacky face next One simple reminder That we remember And we’d like to share The mundane and the banal Our everyday With that one favorite person

Selfies are not as silly As it used to be Because someone smiled And took note of the vital But often missed features Of your unique face And then you realize Selfies are not really silly It’s just you being weird Cute and funny And somebody cared enough To save it

[kyemeruthie]

Little changes

Something unexpected happened and it has blossomed to something beautiful and true.

On a train ride to Laos, while looking at the changing colors of the sunrise and the simplicity of life in the countryside, I told myself I won't travel that much on my own again. For a time, I enjoyed the independence of solo travels, getting to decide where and when to go. Going for long photo walks with just Google Maps and a good iced coffee from a neighborhood cafe. The places I went too were wonderful and worth exploring, but when I get home, I realized I have no one to dissect every place I visited or whatever practice I observed and picked up from these communities. I wanted someone to share it with and eventually plan to go back to with.

I was hesitant when the opportunity came. You see it was complicated, too complicated. Until now, it remains as such. The beautiful emotions that come with it are difficult to let go and so we decided to plunge. Six months in and we're enjoying it. There are hiccups along the way, but we finally get to eat and review good food together. Go on some silly dates with sundaes and fries, or some long walks to dissect every story we already told ourselves only to find something new and funny and weird. We're deciding to travel together, hopefully we'll be able to.

I want to go to places with this person. To spend more time, many more things, and memories we'll be able to look back to with smiles and hearty laughs. It is good to share your life with someone. This comes from a person who's always hesitant to open up and tear down walls.

The only thing that we're careful about is getting this public for now. Given our own challenges. We hope to hurdle and with deep faith, we know this will stand the tests laid our way. These little changes, little wonders add some glimmer in a life that is kinda bleak and weary. There is peace and contentment, and I am glad we took that leap.

[kyemeruthie]

Actually, I did some things. Not as productive as defined by the higher ups. Hehehe

See you in September, David Fullarton

[kyemeruthie]

if we have this in the Philippines, where??

🌈 Have you ever seen a prettier tree? Behold the beautiful rainbow eucalyptus (Eucalyptus deglupta).  This large evergreen grows up to about 197 ft (60 m) tall. When strips of its bark peel off, they change in color: Bark starts out in shades of green, then transitions into purple, red, and orange as time goes on. Continuous peeling helps the tree keep its trunk clear of other plants. You might spot one in the Philippines, New Guinea, Indonesia, Hawaii, or Southern California.

Photo: photommo, CC BY-SA 2.0, flickr

[kyemeruthie]

The bass and harp lines 😭😭😭

[kyemeruthie]

Today on the Incidental Comics newsletter I explore new forms of comics design, including this three-dimensional page structure. What new forms will you create?

https://incidentalcomics.substack.com/p/the-shape-of-poems-to-come

[kyemeruthie]

Season 2 me acts like she has some generational wealth to boot, ah but still underfunded. Hahaha! The writing team still goes through a lot, because now there seems to be more plotlines that could go in any direction.

[kyemeruthie]

[kyemeruthie]

Books are portkeys.

"Fiction can show you a different world. It can take you somewhere you've never been. Once you've visited other worlds, like those who ate fairy fruit, you can never be entirely content with the world that you grew up in. Discontent is a good thing: discontented people can modify and improve their worlds, leave them better, leave them different."

― Neil Gaiman

[kyemeruthie]

Cheers to 33

Eventful start of the year, so far. Birthday month is about to end. This month should generally be a happy one, laidback and chill. Much like the other years, I would have been able to travel this month or spent quality time with favorite people.

This is probably one of those memorable ones, where you knew your heart was beating so fast, you are close to hyperventilating. College debate days. Except this time, you are arguing with yourself. 

Ah, but God has something to say. A lesson to teach, perhaps. The start of the year has been rough.

I felt like that call was an eviction notice and we had to scramble for a place to live before we can finally have our own. Compelled to decide on the spot for a condo buy even if I was trying to set sights for an actual house. I'm still not sure about this, but I am sure God will deliver.

Classes were mid and largely because I was just trying to get by. Office work also turned out to be quite toxic. I mean every year there's major drama, not sure why or how this ends up. One major culprit would be unresolved chismis. Dunno. It adds, worsens the burnout. Alongside the myriad life choices you had to make every now and then. There's just too much you can take on your plate.

I also felt like the resignation of a close colleague took a toll on me. Largely because they were an asset but also because our discussion would have been confrontational, pushing them to resign. It could also be a culmination of all the stress that beset the work we do.

March could have been a breather but it wasn't much. Had to deal with grades and piled up work. The project with Aus is not making any clear progress in my perspective, I feel like I'm leaving it behind.

And then there are matters of the heart. A lot happened, words said and exchanged. Feelings spilled, gathered, only awash with emotions right after. I’m not sure how to explain exactly what unfolded. What’s clear was the need to be resolute with the principles you believe in. And then you also consider how this may hurt other people you genuinely like, in the process. It was bittersweet. On your birthday, you may likely lose a friend, like a blunt knife suddenly pulled from you. There is numbness, that phantom feeling of pain for what has been lost and may be difficult to recover.

I'd be catholic about it, carrying that cross as a burden for a significant amount of time. Walls were broken down and it really is good to be appreciated, admired. The internal conflict would probably be on my end, feeling some guilt over enjoying the attention but also hurting someone in the process. Pareto efficiency at play, my dear students. Hay.

Next month, the application results (at least for the interview) would be released. I pray hard to be given the opportunity to be interviewed for that PhD position in Berlin. Wanted this so bad. The wait adds to the anxiousness, alongside all the other things that were left unresolved or fully given some closure. Even the applications for research conferences would be released next month.

On days like this, we follow Mikey’s mantra for Carm, “let it rip. Let go, move forward in full force, understanding that your momentum will get you through no matter how hard and hurtful it can become. The destination is not the ultimate goal, the journey is. And so, we let it rip.

The advice: to let those walls finally crumble, to wait and pray still, harder. In the face of vulnerability, you find that people are ready to listen and accept you, only if you’d also allow them. I may or may not lose a friend, still not sure where this would lead. So, we enjoy the days because you are once again reminded to live fully and take every opportunity to laugh about the most mundane things, it may not happen again.

Let it rip and choose to go with the flow. Too much to wait for and all we can do is pray. All I need to do is pray. You need some balm for all the lashes endured, some assurance for the hurt you've incurred, that soul-seeping peace that everything is going to be alright. Soon, later, no clear time really. But that time will come. Until then we continue to wait faithfully.

Here goes to nothing or many more. Cheers to a new year, self.

[kyemeruthie]

Definitions

Someone asked me how do we define friendship. Difficult question. A Miss Universe entry, perhaps. It took me a beat to type.

Friendships are like mandalas. The closest circles are those you keep for life. They know and understand your struggles, the highs and lows of your life, the many things you like and some of those that you don't want. They are companions in silence and in laughter. In tears, they are a shoulder to cry on. Their simple presence calms you, allows you to think, we'll make it. Soon, someday, in the distant future. There are roller coaster moments where you get to be together, and many more times where you'd be apart. Those pauses are but commas, once you regain the chance, it'll be like a day apart. You get to rekindle stories, laugh hard about the same jokes or bash the same people even if you've already forgiven them. Try to remember the people and places, or the events that blur the many memories you shared. Like mandalas, those farther the middle fade and move on towards other mandalas. It can be sad, but eventually it becomes ok. The closest, you keep and maintain. In various ways and means, you let them know they are important and loved. Mandalas are strongest not because of the numbers they have but by how tightly knit their inner circles are. I guess that's fairly true for friendships you keep for life.

I answered simply, in Filipino. This was an elaboration. Hahaha. But you get what I mean.

[kyemeruthie]

You don’t like to think about the fact that someday you will do nothing and be nobody. You will only allow yourself to preview this experience when you can disguise it in a narrative about how you are doing many exciting and edifying things: you are experiencing, you are connecting, you are being transformed, and you have the trinkets and photos to prove it.

Agnes Callard in "The Case Against Travel," New Yorker, 24 June 2023

[kyemeruthie]

A to the men!

[kyemeruthie]

Do the work

Best advice I got from my parents -- always do the work. Regardless of the outcome, the affirmation, or the reward, making sure you rendered the hard work and crossed off your list would be more important.

To quietly and patiently complete the task assigned or the project entrusted to you, that's important. I've observed this as the foremost work ethic of my parents, and when we're poring over things, they would always remind me this.

It sounds boring, less exciting really at certain times. But I've also seen its impact, how it works.

I'm reminded because of what's happening the past few months. I transitioned the year with a heavy heart because one of the persons I disciple from church found it difficult to accept correction, plus the fact that I heard it from other people, not directly from them. Then, a workmate I thought was a friend found it also ~infuriating when asked about their level of commitment to our work. At times, I ask myself would it have been so bad to rebuke wrongdoing and insist accountability?

On both accounts, I thought the dejection comes from our differing expectations as to commitments and a sense of responsibility. Thankful to still be learning and reflecting.

PS: Delayed post. This is me reeling from the whirlwind that was January. Hehe

[kyemeruthie]

Rents and wants

It's been a while, Tumblr.

There's a lot to talk about, to digest, to rant, to basically dump here. The year's about to end and I am not really sure if I’m moving forward or I’m stuck somewhere. Sometimes I feel like life’s really great and then there are times where doubt creeps in. Those days were frustrating, draining really. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I would have wanted to talk to a professional, just to check if the gears are still in place. Hehe. 

Those gloomy times challenge me but there’s always that glimmer of hope that we’d always see better days ahead. Prayers, that constant reminder that God holds you, it makes greater sense to me now. I remember I felt that when I was also struggling with professional growth in 2018. I was 25 then. Probably it’s age too, 32 this year and musing about the future can make you anxious. In the end, faith keeps me grounded. 

The past few months were quite testy. I’m rethinking this office work I agreed to. It’s taking precious time from me to do research and pursue other worthwhile things. It’s also taking some toll on my mental health. At some point, I felt so angry because an office colleague has been taking advantage of the leniency of our working relationship. They’re basically tampering on time records to show they’re not late to the office or that they’re present even when they’re not. Add to the injury was the poor quality of work. What really triggered me was the fact that they’re checking our work and the time we spend in the office, when they were the ones doing the damage. That person resigned, forgave them, but the “inis” stayed because I thought the whole thing’s resolved.

More recently, such issues resurfaced. This time alleged “chismis” as the culprit. It’s really the littlest of things. I don’t really like these kinds of tensions because it veers away from the work we should do. We’re also beginning a reorganization. There’s a lot to envision and hope for, but until these creases are resolved, I’m not sure how change can be managed. 

I like the work I do, but doing PhD is more important to me now. I want to study, to learn, to write. Abroad that is. The goal is lofty. Targeting a top uni in Europe and another in the US, but hey what stops us from dreaming this big. The push and pull comes from these priorities. I know I can do a good job with the reorg, I still have a lot to give. But I also know that I don’t work on my PhD now, I’d be resenting this decision and always going back to the what-ifs. 

It’s scary though. Write a proposal, get someone to recommend you for grad school, talk to a potential advisor. Living abroad is the least of my worries. The preparations are what scares me because I have to put myself out there again and pour heart and soul with 50-50 chance of making it vs not making it. The potential failure scares me. 

And then of course I have to think about the future for our family, for my parents in particular. Papa’s about to retire in a year or two and they would need a place to settle down. They want to travel while they’re strong. That we can work on. Buying a house for them is what fills my mind recently. Our rent here will go up next year and they won’t be selling the house to us because the next generation owners have future plans. In my mind, we have at least a year to look for a permanent house and put together enough money to make sure it’s ours. As the eldest, the responsibility falls on my shoulders. My brothers are getting married in the next two years, our youngest sister’s planning to work abroad and prepare for it, and my other sister would most likely be in between jobs next year given thesis work. So yeah, exciting times, mixed feelings too. I’m expected to step up.

Amid all these, I thank God’s perfect timing. I did not expect the promotion late this year and I kind of was annoyed at first because I don’t want to be beholden to someone. But then again, you always thank whatever’s on your way. It seems that the promotion’s for this bigger responsibilities next year. My return service ends this coming February so I am relatively free to pursue my PhD. I am entrusted with bigger stuff at the office, commended for good work, so yeah, the pressure is there, but we soldier on.

The memes had it right. I thought the 30s were more smooth-sailing. Being born in a middle class family with no intergenerational wealth, in a third world country, faced with inflation and less security, it could really get frustrating and lonely. Sometimes I just want to sit down and stare, maybe things would rewind and we’d be back at least to days where dreaming of buying a house would be much more achievable. 

You can’t blame us for enjoying an overpriced coffee and healing our inner child once in a while. The world’s in flames and rents continue to rise. Some luxury might just keep us going and help us survive.

[kyemeruthie]

A long layover

12 hours. Arriving during the wee hours of the morning. From a delayed flight. Good decision to get a room at the airport's capsule hotel.

I realized a number of things.

One, that I'm willing to spend extra bucks for comfort.

Five years ago, at the same airport, I lugged it out at the benches and public restroom, if only to save at least a thousand pesos or so for renting an overnight room. I was so exhausted that time, but hey, that's part of the backpacking charm.

Fast forward today, I thought about staying at the carpeted free lounge areas. But I'd arrive at three in the morning and I'd need to wait until three in the afternoon before I go to my end destination. So before leaving Manila, I booked that last capsule room.

The flight was delayed, but I am so happy to sleep with fluffy pillows. No hassle to hug my essentials because I am in a private room. It was small for sure, something you'd expect in a capsule. I get to shower nicely come sunrise. This is good.

Two, why can't we have a nice airport in Manila?

I've been at KLIA2 a number of times now, majority of which have been for transit. It never disappointed me -- lounges are spacious, you'd still be dignified to sleep or stay for some time because there are different kinds of chair to sit on, a working charging station, and clean restrooms with shower options. The duty free shops are a bonus, the food choices are good. Wifi is 24hrs! Wow. The longest I'd get in Manila is three hours, if it's a good time; an hour if we're at peak periods.

I'd know that it's also commuter-friendly because the airport trains are connected to the city. There's also a shuttle that would take you to the other terminal. You would never mind walking because the walkalators are working and the pathways could accommodate a large number of pedestrians.

In general, NAIA is definitely lagging behind its SEA counterparts. We need to seriously work on how we'd boost ground support and better airport service. Gahdd, we even had the audacity to say "we give the world our best," but the very gateway to our country does not live up to the hero it was named after. And all we're thinking about is changing it's name.

Three, aisle seats are equally good.

As a forever window seater because of the view and isolation from the larger crowd, I have a renewed appreciation for aisle seats. It's roomier, easier to stretch for a rather long flight, and faster to receive food service + retrieving bags. The mask makes it ok for me to sleep because I won't worry too much about my mouth agape. Hahaha! It could also be that the people sitting near me are not as nosy as the previous ones I experienced. No middle seat still. I don't know anyone who likes middle seats.

Logging these thoughts for now. I'd be on a long journey for almost a month. This should be fun, especially because I'm out of loop from work most of the time. Excited for this coming week's conference and then that long vacation in Down Under with my parents. Tomorrow, I'm off to visit the highest mountain in Thailand. I hope my legs won't fail me. Hahaha!

Until the next post from somewhere! :)