lacyviolet

[lacyviolet]

Create Anxiety

am I just anxious from the coffee I just consumed or am I anxious of the state of the world or is it for fear of money, or could it be my life is fleeting, everyone getting older we aren't who we used to be but we carry our past selves with us at all times, our traumas our thoughts, feelings. It is always with us no matter where we go they will always follow us. Nostalgia. Maybe all my anxiety is from my gender, what I can and cannot change, when I look in the mirror it is there, I am there, but not really me, not the me I see and feel in my head, how I want others to perceive me - how I want others to feel how I feel but to also forget the old me, how I looked mainly. My gender is always a shadow following me wherever I go, looming against me. I feel it behind my back crawling up telling me how others perceive me how others think I look how others think I feel, how others know me when I dont even know my self. My shadow is always there, my gender is always present within my lips within my eyes and hair and lack there of. When will my shadow be my friend and not my enemy. When will I love myself, maybe when others can see me for who I am and not for who I was.

[lacyviolet]

if I wouldve never went to where I work now and worked there I might not have gotten into fine art as much as I am now, not into traditional mediums as much as I do now

falling back in love with creativity, spontaneity, the process, the fall off everything and anything art it's weird what's happening in my life right now

i want to make the right choices

where would I be who would I be

I'm scared to lose who I am who I think I am

do I need to be rich to get a masters? this is what I want right? or is this something shiny and new what is my long term goal? I want to be a master of art literally and figuratively. not saying I want to be the next Picasso I mean I want to know everything there is to know about art, art history, political pieces, contextualization of art, different mediums and pass that knowledge onto others

I feel fulfilled and happy when teaching others when helping others out and I love art and teaching others art would be amazing a feeling of fulfillment of joy and content when I know I've helped someone find themselves within their own art, something that has been within themselves this entire time

like me just like me I am a creative I am an artist I am a painter I am me I can do anything I want I steal art like an artist I create I think I do I can do it i can do anything

[lacyviolet]

do I just deserve to be uncomfortable with myself, my body, my mind, the rest of this life?

[lacyviolet]

why are you crying? because I want to be a girl, no one will ever see me as a true, natural born woman

[lacyviolet]

trans, being trans, feeling trans. accepting that I am trans. is the hardest thing I've ever done. it's controversial but it isn't something that I would ever wish upon myself or others. when will I be comfortable in my own skin, will I ever be comfortable with who I am? will others ever be comfortable with who I am? will I ever feel passing to the point where people don't question, they just see me as a woman and not as a man transitioning as a woman. stubble, stubble stubble stubble stubble. my face, I can't touch, my body I can't touch, my face is off limits to my loved ones, I feel off limits to my loved ones, I feel off limits to myself. I don't deserve to feel this way, or was I just that bad of a person in a past life?

[lacyviolet]

progress

[lacyviolet]

'my beautiful baby boy'

[lacyviolet]

15 days since so like 49-50

its been 15 days since my last full update, create. Create? okay. I truthfully do not know what I am about to write but it will def be something, something, something, a summary? a diary for sure, a poem? doubt it.. a list probably. rambling YES! yapping, my specialty. if you can follow along I would appreciate it, if you can decipher and kinda piece it all together you deserve a hug or something cause I wanna go back and decipher this myself, what was I thinking how was I feeling, what was I wear? where was I! at work. I wonder how long this will be :4

to be honest I have been wanting to write for awhile I would think of it and just say I should do this but never did, how many people have done this before cause be honest its everyone. I work in a place where I see my old professors and department chairs and it is kinda awkward sometimes, I feel like they see me like a failure for not getting a job in the industry yet, like sorry? its not like I dont want one, I do I constantly search and try but this industry is so lucrative it is hard to break into it and even when you do work is not always guaranteed as I am seeing people with 15+ experience post about looking for no positions, I am sure they can find work easier but still it is disheartening seeing AI being able to just work its way into the industry and just replace people AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE NO BODY CARES, of course the artists care for the most part BUT THE EXECUTIVES WHO PAY AND MAKE THE DECISIONS THEY ARE THE ONES WHO DO NOT CARE AND I HATE THEM THEY ARE RUINING SO MANY PEOPLES LIVES AND DREAMS AND THEY JUST DO NOT CARE BECAUSE THEY JUST SEE MONEY AND HOW THEY CAN MAKE MORE MONEY AND JUST ROLL WITH IT THEY DO NOT CARE WE HAVE ACTUAL LIVES AND BILLS TO FUND AND FAMILIES, YOU KNOW LIVING? ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THEMSELVES AND THEIR LIVES AND IT IS SO FRUSTRATING AND MAKES ME WANT TO CRY BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO MAKE ART I WANT TO GET PAID A LIVABLE WAGE IN THIS HUGE CITY. I JUST I just want to make art I want to make art people care about, to feel seen to make art that people will stop and admire to make are that will make people feel to make art that makes me feel I. yeah. I dont know what to do, I feel like a failure but to be honest I dont I feel, that's all I feel. I do not know how to describe what I am feeling, lost, afraid, down, up, creative, loose, weird, tears, journey, wings with ramen, okay, not ok okay there is a difference. how do I feel better? am I even feeling not good? maybe a little, I want to make my parents proud, to show I didn't choose a career that is a dead end, to show that if you work hard dreams do come true, they taught me that to be honest, both of them did, well one of them did. my mom works so hard at everything she does and gets results and makes good money, she's realistic. my dad is a dreamer, he dreams of a lavish life, not even he just wants to take care of his family and make us proud, he wants to live comfortably and not have to worry about money, to eat good steaks, to eat out with friends and family and not be worried, to have a place to call his own, to travel and see the world, to experience life, he deserves it, he deserves that, he is a dreamer, he taught me how to dream how to just do what you love and make it work. I got two opposites. my dad is so proud that I have a degree in what I love, I can tell my mom is upset that I do not have a job in the field I desire. I feel just like her but I dream just like my dad, I feel like these two thoughts, feelings, ways of thinking are polar opposites. I hope my dad succeeds and gets everything he's dreamed of before he dies. I love him so much, I need to tell him that more. I feel like my mom has almost everything she's wanted, so I am grateful she is finally in a place she can call home.

I just met an extremely interesting person at my work, she got me to stop and talk and listen and I loved it, I learned so much from her. She is apart of the MFA masters fine arts program and she was telling me about the different things the program offers, it is very free form compared to my major in my bachelors program. I don't know how I would be acquainted to that. how would that even work for me? am I becoming a fine artist or is this just another facet of art that makes me happy, is it something shiny that I am gravitating to because I cannot find work in my own major that I chose, painting physically with watercolor does make me happy, it helps me flow out emotions and colors onto a wet paper. I love to see the pigment bloom, bleed, and flourish with a touch of my brush. colors, fading, water, cooling, washes, washes, washing! I love the physical aspect of it as well, I love to feel extremely soft brushes, I brush them against my cheeks when im working shhhhh...

OKAY so I didn't get to finish/post this yesterday, cause to be honest there are so many topics I wanted to touch on that I just didn't get to ... I dont know why I was just so tired when I got home I decided to go sleepies :3 okay so updates I guess, okay so me and my boyfriend saw Beyonce night 1!!! I am also going to see her night 4! I am so so excited it is so weird to see her live when she has lived on a screen for my entire life. I would watch the huge screen she is on and that is just where she naturally lives for me then I turn to the right and there she is in the flesh... its so weird seeing an idol in real life because we u know idolize them and they live in our ears, and our screens but when we see them live it is like they are real. I had to force my self sometimes and remind myself to just look at her, dont look at the screen look at her! you will see her on Tik Tok later on your phone just enjoy her while she's here because this is a once in a life time event, for me its a twice in a lifetime but will never get to experience that night 1 like ever again, I am so grateful I got to go, and get to go again I cried almost every song.

okay I want to talk about the estrogen, I have noticed several changes, I am now 50 days in and it has been amazing, in the back of my head I have the fear of my insurance ending (which it is) so I dont know what I am going to do with that I will have to figure this out super soon. other than that I am grateful for this, most noticeable changes I have noticed is my skin, on my well everywhere is softer my face has smoother softer skin and my legs as well, I noticed I bruise so much easier I have this huge bruise on my shin I thot it was a clot and I was scared but apparently it is just a bruise lol other than that is just breast growth my chest is so sensitive, my nipples and the surrounding area is very sensitive at the touch. I am grateful for this, feeling like this so early on, I am extremely optimistic! other things I feel like maybe my hair is softer??? I dont know lol it feels softer to me. fat in certain places my like ass and my hips. OMG I forgot to mention the pains!! growing pains? shrinking pains? mainly around my calves and thighs and sometimes my feet, it feels like I just did an intensive work out and my legs feel like noodles it is annoying but once again I am grateful for this. I noticed some pains around my arms like under my arms on the upper part is that a tricep idk? but it aches sometimes, but its whatever I dont mind it, I just know its working that's all I care about. facial hair the bane of my existence is still a knife in my heart it grows a little slower ive noticed but that's about it, my doctor has prescribed me on spirio and I have been hesitant to take it cause I am afraid of it being too soon, my doctor is all over the place he forgets who I am, what I am on, how long I have been on my meds, my dosages it is pretty frustrating not gonna lie so I kinda feel like I have to take it into my own hands, my health that is. so I read that taking spirio too soon can possibly stunt breast growth which is something that is important to me so I am going to hold on with that for a bit I guess we shall see what happens, I feel like I am coming to an end on this, did I talk about my art? watercolors and my interest in galleries and fine arts? well I love it, it helps me connect to my emotions more than digital arts. I want an art job where is she, she's coming dont get it twisted!! I am excited c: hm okayyy well god bless, Mother Nature bless? period? thank you universe for always watching over me and guiding and protecting me :D!!! indwjdowqfn;sssaaaaa yay!

will I post more cuntsistently? prob not idk ILL TRY JUST DO IT I SWEAR

[lacyviolet]

where do I even begin lmao what day is it even?

[lacyviolet]

Day 35

I ate moldy bread now my tummy hurts

[lacyviolet]

Day 34

Pokémon cards

I think I’m addicted

[lacyviolet]

day 33

feeling hungry all the time while trying to lose weight sucks but I can't not eat because I need to for this "second puberty" apparently?

[lacyviolet]

Day 32

Just a normal day at work, feeling happy I have work, I am extremely grateful to have a loving family and work, and my loving boyfriend. My mom asked me last night if I have to walk on egg shells and I told her the half truth, I said yes but because she works so hard and is stressed out anyone would be snappy if they are constantly under a ton of pressures. So I told her that in reality I wanted to tell her how she would get mad so easily at us for no reasons it seemed to us, how she would snap and we would wonder if it was because of us but we realized how it was because she was under so many pressures including past traumas looming over her so I truly can't blame her after knowing everything she went through, it still hurt though. I am glad I told her the half truth. Then she said you know you can tell me anything and you don't have to be afraid I want you to tell me anything and feeling comfortable doing so because I want that type of relationship with my kids and I tell her mostly anything but I was holding back tears and just wanted to scream and just let it all out and tell her I am trans and I hate this and Its not something that I chose it is something of who I am. I wish I was just born a girl I wish I didn't have to come out I wish I was just born a girl I wish I wish I was just born a girl but that wouldn't help anything. I hope she understands and sees how I feel and that I am the same person she raised but now I will just slightly look physically different, to be fair I do look and dress fem before medically transitioning. I just wanted to tell her that and get it over with but I felt like it wasn't the right time, it will never be the right time but I know I probably shouldn't do it over the phone. I am scared, I am still scared of everything changing weather it be for the better or worse I am scared of change, so for now I will keep it to myself. thank you for everything in my life I am grateful for my loved ones <3

[lacyviolet]

Day 31

Hi :3 finally got my 90 day supply of estrogen. I am happy with the amount I got and I am excited how these next 90 days will go. Advocating for myself to not be overcharged by my doctor is something I am proud I did. Thank you <3

[lacyviolet]

Day 30

I am behind of course! Tuesday April 8th 2025 was my 30 day mark, I am currently on day 32 of 2mg estrogen day 30 felt like a milestone for me. Physically I have felt little changes here and there, those being skin sensitivity especially on my face around my cheeks and eyes, which relates to my softer skin. I don't know if I just don't look at my self often but I noticed some fat in my chin going somewhere else? I have also noticed my hair growing slower, on my legs being a little thinner and on my face (biggest dysphoria) being thinner and growing a lot less slower. in the past I would be able to pluck the hairs out with my nails at the end of the day, now they aren't even long enough to pluck with tweezers at the end of the day so I am feeling really good about that, I have plucked all the thick hairs but now its just minor thin ones and when I shave those and apply some makeup it completely disappears and I feel like I can look at myself in the mirror without cringing or wanting to cry now. I feel like how I feel and it is validating being able to see myself without wanting to end it all. it has been really difficult not feeling good with how I feel and not being confident in myself but now I feel like I am changing to look how I feel and I feel more at peace. other than that I notice I get more emotional at random things, I was already am emotional person before but now I feel like it is heightened. my first 30 days have been really smooth and I am really enjoying this. I am just skeptical or curious what my next steps are when do I start S? when do I start T blockers for optimal breast growth and fat redistribution? I will just keep taking it one day at a time and see what happens. I'll try to be more cuntsistent. (im lying)

[lacyviolet]

29

treated normally

having my co workers go back and forth with my boss using she/her pronouns for me and just acting completely normal and letting it roll off the tongue almost made me cry, also a girl saying "girl girly things" when I said I was cold lmao it's little things like this that make me so happy and just like idk in the back of my head I feel like it's an act and forced but idk... I'll never know but I'm happy that they treated me that way today.

[lacyviolet]

day 27

I assume

i have 3 days of pills left, Sunday - Tuesday

I'm scared that I can't afford the next one my boyfriend said we will cut down spending on eating out to be able to eat out but idk. I feel bad! $80 is a ton to me and idk maybe I should just do it. whatever. I love my man.