ladyeloisee

[ladyeloisee]

I realised that people who vlog, really do have some genuine stories to talk about and they had build up to talk about it. I lack that.

[ladyeloisee]

Just been three days and am afraid of losing my language. They don’t even burp in English here. Now am like, “literature, shush and be at a corner. You are least bothered here. Focus on the numbers and terms and that sesky slang they speak.” Ofc people here had got a reallllyy hot slang. I might turn up to an expert in slangs.

[ladyeloisee]

[ladyeloisee]

I was this vampire girl for like 1hr. Yea. I watched Twilight minutes before sleeping and that’s what had happened. I was a complete “vampire girl” with the Cullens family. Definitely for many reasons I would choose to be them than a warewolf girl.

[ladyeloisee]

Headache induced by this usual theory happening. So, I don’t like people pulling my legs to do things. Here’s my mum, who pulls our legs and then turns things out like it was us who came up with. Urrrgh people.

Well, I believe in rituals, but again I am someone who doesn’t like to do things that the people around do. It’s ok to, you know feel wow and get involved to things but not to be the one to impose them on others. There’s no compulsion I believe.

[ladyeloisee]

"desire is the root of all suffering" actually suffering is the root of all suffering. hope this helps!

[ladyeloisee]

Dig up your treasure.

I’m in my early twenties, and only now am I beginning to truly understand the religious texts, those so-called holy books of the faith I am living in. I come from a family where vacations often meant pilgrimages. We visited temples far more often than fantasy parks. We stood in long queues for a two-second glimpse of the deity more frequently than we ever stood in line for movie tickets.

But did I even know why I was there? Did I understand the theories, the facts, or the stories behind the creators I was worshipping?

I’ve always believed in energies, though my personal experiences with them are few. Still, I’ve always been curious, eager to learn more. I believe in the existence of the Creator and the Destroyer, the divine and the demonic. During school, I was introduced to several Vedic concepts, just enough to be able to teach my future children, if I have any. Later, I studied in Christian institutions, and my friends came from a variety of religious backgrounds. That exposure taught me a lot. That’s where everything started.

I began to question things. And for me, that was a wonderful sign of growth. But for my family and relatives, it was alarming, especially because I’m a girl. You know the stereotype: girls aren’t supposed to question; we’re just expected to follow blindly. We’re taught to “learn by experience,” but not to ask why, what, how, or when. That’s suffocating. And I’ve made a conscious choice: I’m not going to live like that.

My friends go to their places of worship every Sunday. I used to join them sometimes. They never miss it. Every day, they sit with their holy books for at least an hour. It gives them peace. They believe deeply in their prayers. They know the verses by heart and apply them in their lives.

Meanwhile, I would wake up groggy, barely manage to bathe on time, and put on a smear of chandan on my forehead just to “look complete”—because that’s how I was raised. But I had never opened the Bhagavad Gita or the Vishnu Sahasranamam or any of our other scriptures. I wandered, looking for peace.

Yes, I did go to temples—but mostly to chat, eat prasad, and leave. Then I’d scroll on my phone and fall asleep. What kind of life was that? Why didn’t I realize that I was wasting opportunities all around me? Why didn’t I use the very phone in my hand to start reading the Gita, to apply it to my life?

It took me five years to realize.

I went back to the school I once studied in. And I thank my father for enrolling my sisters and me there. Beyond just my work at the school, I felt something deeper—like God was guiding me, showing me the path I was meant to follow. I was happy. My mind felt calm. Spiritually, I felt involved.

Of course, my family and relatives worry. They fear that I might choose a life of renunciation, become a nun or sannyasin. But honestly? That’s a path I would gladly take.

So here’s the truth: it took me five years to begin learning the Bhagavad Gita. Years to understand what I was supposed to do in a temple. Today, when I stand in line, I don’t just look around aimlessly. I chant the Lord’s name. I visualize Him. I read scriptures and texts, just trusting the process(trying my best as I am a beginner). I try my best not to get distracted.

And I know I’m not alone. So many in our generation know little to nothing about our scriptures or how powerful and helpful they can be in life. I now attend weekly Gita classes, and one of my teachers often shares insights that go beyond the verses. He once spoke about how future generations may lose touch with our Vedic heritage. That hit me hard. Something has to change.

We’re not bound by compulsions, but we do have options. We just need to know the right path and follow it. Right now, I feel that only He, the divine, can protect me, guide me, and keep my soul calm.

A sloka a day. A Vedic story a day. Wouldn’t that make a difference?

It’s high time for us to open our eyes and stop ignoring what we already have. Every religion deserves respect. None should be disregarded. Religion is not a competition. No one is here to outdo another. No god is trying to win over another. Shouldn’t we preserve each other’s and not destroy them? Think.

[ladyeloisee]

So when nothing goes right, something has to go right and that’s my policy may be. The batter this time mum made was perfect that the appam aka fermented rice pancake came out pretty pretty pretty fluffy and great. Plus the chicken gravy from the neighbour went just perfect. Of course my life is a mess that ended up in. But sometimes there are these food that just fills me up when my anger goes straight up to my head. Just cools me down. Meanwhile, i guess Tumblr had become like my personal diary which is publicly published only views by people abroad. Not so funny.

[ladyeloisee]

I just realised that me getting old is with the job hunt, where I have to re do my resume multiple times and repost it twice a day and look for the (im)perfections, if I had added the proper details and a lot on. Along with swear words from the house people and endless weeps which helps my skin glow. It’s a do or die situation that I am in right now, where I just need strength to do things as per my choice. Either stay and end things up or elope for a better life. Just got done with a post(reposted) and left a deep breath as I closed my systems in general.

Adulting = LinkedIn 🔁 check for mails.

[ladyeloisee]

Do I Have a Choice?

My dearest readers. Two or three days ago, I received a cute call. Yes, it was damn cute because the caller went like this.

“Hello, may I talk to Ojas, ma’am?”

“Yes, you are talking to her. Who is this little one there?”

“I am Harithra, and Ojas ma’am was my English teacher.”

I was happy. I was crying the other second, and this little one made me feel special and valued. She was my student. She just missed me there and wanted to know when I am back to school. She wanted to become a doctor and treat people for free. She had her own dreams, and God, please don’t leave her hands like you did to me, right?

So, there were these little things that made me smile, and it really felt good.

And there are these two things that fill up my eyes with tears. And I have to struggle so that it isn’t rolling down. One is about my future that is almost like depending on my mother. Two is about my relationship, which is flying in the air unnoticed. Leave the latter one; maybe if the first one gets solved, everything else will.

I am living this phase of my life where I hate myself for everything so far. I did everything wrong. Maybe knowing that I am a girl and hence I am not supposed to build on my dreams, I should’ve married and settled down when I was 18. If I had this time machine to rewind and make things sound better, I would do that. It's me that is on the wrong side of life. As my friend said, I am afraid of the consequences. As it was, it had only hurt me so much and broken me into pieces that were hard to fix later on.

My dad was asking me to take decisions of my own, or I am going to ruin my life. And it’s true that I had already. Being a 20-year-old girl, knowing how hard my dad has been taking care of us, right from paying our bills to every single thing, I had just one thing. Be a hand for him and make him free. Of the debts and bills. At least help him pay my sisters’ college fee. I felt so much happier when I was able to pay for the family dinner.  I worked. I did work hard to score marks and to crack the interviews. But then I realized that there was this person who was reminding me that I am a girl and to stop dreaming, plan for the wedding, and get married. She has been screaming this inside me. I kept ignoring it. Then came the day when she won and I almost lost. Maybe someone who hardly took studies seriously and who didn’t earn might not understand the things that I felt. This is the era where every single girl out there wants to be on her own. And that is misunderstood as what? Being a bitch. Who goes against the will of parents? Etc... Man, the amount of curse we get here every single second is so powerful that we don’t even crack an interview properly.

Now, what is left? Other than finding ways to die? I just know that I am spoiling my own life. For my mother.

[ladyeloisee]

Not loving or to be loved.

I have been planning my death a lot. Right from cutting my nerves, choking my throat, and even consuming the poisonous leaves and flowers. Just because I cannot hold up and I cannot see any future in me. All I could see was that me wrapped up in white cloth surrounded by my so-called family and people, fake crying and story building and shit-talking about me and how I ended up being here. I cannot see myself publishing books or signing the copies for my readers. I just had to take a break to wipe out my tears that rolled down my cheeks just like the river flows up.

I come from, actually, a toxic family. And toxic here has multiple meanings, and people mean it in different situations they come across. My toxicity or me being in a toxic society or a toxic family is, they let you dream but not pursue it. Here, you are literally allowed to dream about your studies, lifestyle, job, and even a family. But not allowed to have any of these. If you try pursuing any of these, like now, you’ll be tortured to the core emotionally. Where you end up being emotionless at a point. They will just let you realize that you are a girl and not a boy. So, stop trying to pursue your dreams. Dreams are just dreams at the end of the day, and you are just a girl, my lady (this is what they just told me).

I envy all other girls around me who are very stern in taking up decisions and who can just talk to their parents about their likes and dislikes and have them help to pursue things. I hate myself for like a trillion, n number of times, just because I am a moron who is super scared to open myself in front of my parents because I know they aren’t going to consider me anymore, not anywhere in this era of my living. I am a girl, and what could I do for me? I have my parents, who are more experienced and who just know exactly what I want. Right?

My life is filled like my shopping carts. I don’t have money to purchase them, so I will just put them in the cart; in case I earn more, I could buy them. It's full now that the cart is almost broken. Who knew our lives would turn us into mentally unstable humans? Look, my brain is still dreaming. Kind of. I had lived multiple lives in foreign countries; I had married in the one I still call "home" and had gotten children and had lived wonderful lives up there. Just in my dreams. I am trying to make it understand that “bro, you are wasting time watching something that is never going to happen. You are going to cry again over it.” That’s where I go back to what my teacher said: that it’s us who should take control of our body and mind. Well, I am failing there again.

So, if you are a girl like me who is scared of the consequences, let me tell you, baby, don't dream things unless you are completely ready to face things up. You will end up weeping day and night (which might help you lose weight), because we are girls.

[ladyeloisee]

I mothered him?

After moving to Chennai for my post-graduation, something that kept as a rule in my life was not to be too attached with anyone or anything. As I had felt the pain of being separated a lot of times. I followed it through my career as well. I implemented it on my students as well. But then, I failed with one child. It took one and a half years for him to be close with me. unknowingly I started mothering him. When a day left for him to shift to his native, I felt that pain of separation on a kid for the first time. He couldn’t show me his face. He just wanted to spend his few moments on chest sleeping and do nothing. He jumped up to me when I called him and all he wanted to tell me was “I want to sleep ma’am” and there he was on my bosom having his peaceful sleep. He didn’t want it to end. He left only after me saying that he could meet me again and giving him a kiss on his cheeks. This phase of my life I never expected it happen. I was literally mother a child. The motherhood woke up in me for the first time. I know I wouldn’t be a best mother but, I am confident about growing one in a better way than I lived my life. I missed out a lot of things in my life. I was always being forced to do this and that and there were no options. All my choices failed. Made myself believe that all my failures are only for good and I don’t see any good in my life. The saddest part of my; life so far is that.

People gave me lifetime memories to live with. Right from my relationships with my family, friends, colleagues, and the one still consider to be my “home”. They also gave me the strength to let go things. They also told me that oi live in dreams and I need to pack up myself to reality. And I did my best to be so and so. Just making me understand that they move as I flip. That’s the hardest part as well. I wouldn’t be anything perfect, but to myself.

[ladyeloisee]

I'm a simple bitch. i believe the purpose of government should be to improve the lives of its citizens and protect its most vulnerable members. unfortunately i live in a day and age where this gets me labeled an enemy of the state

[ladyeloisee]

Met my Monica!

It took two three years to meet my best friend, who lives in the same city where I live. Well, it sounds funny, but that’s the reality. If I am Rachel, she is definitely my Monica since the past 10 years. She could have chosen anyone, in that classroom who are not losers like me. I was an average, at times even below-average, student throughout my schooling. I wasn’t that famous kid. Now, I am a staff there, but then, I was completely not seen. I was even ugly, to be frank. But this lady was with me. She had me as well. To tell our sad stories, about our crushes, first love, family politics, and everything.

I live in a kind of toxic, injected family, which I realized only in my early twenties. Which is again a hard factor to digest. And that why it took almost two years to meet my Monica. She has been calling me for a meet-up every year and every six months. And this time, I gathered the courage to stand up for myself. Which is like, I did ask for it; rather, I just said, I wanted to, and I am going for it. Of course they showed faces. I don’t care about any faces. I want to live a life that I missed. I need to live at least now.

[ladyeloisee]

"i would find you in any universe" but it's very clearly intended as a threat

[ladyeloisee]

There are these particular books which makes you feel like you’ve been through each and every line of it. Particularly the emotions if not for the complete plot. And here it’s not about overthinking. It’s that. That’s it. Been through it. And can’t and won’t get over it anytime ever. Might be you want it more of it.

It’s my second time that am reading Ugly Love. Idk, most of em might have hated the parts of it. Not the same for everyone though. Am literally bursting out inside.

[ladyeloisee]

It’s like I barely know to squeeze up the lemons that my life gives me. Either the lemons are too sour or they throw up the rotten ones.