leaving-anorexia-behind

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

Also, reading about you clinging to the parts that make you you hit home for me.

Personally, I had to demolish what I thought was me because it wasn’t, or anything that was remotely close to “me” was too similar to the principles my ed held (perfectionism, discipline, rules). The foundations I had tried to build myself on were flawed, regardless of the outwards appearance of success that I had achieved.

In fact, (I was pretty young so that could also be a factor) before and after my hospitalisations, my personality type changed. I went from an ISFJ to an ISFP. Basically going off of the little cartoons 16personalities gives for each personality type, I went from a nurse to a hippie 😂 but using that metaphor, it’s pretty useless being a dead nurse but an alive hippie can still do a lot more than them.

You’ll feel behind all of your other friends and those you grew up with, because you’re starting from scratch all over again. But you’re putting in the work on things they haven’t had to invest as much time into. You’ll find things that maybe you’ll pick up again, like certain interests or hobbies. Or not. I felt like I wasn’t as good of a person anymore. I didn’t read a lot or study or work out. I just scrolled on my phone. But I needed to numb my mind and play the waiting game of waiting for myself to encounter and achieve emotional / mental health goals before I could get cracking on the visible goals.

I had to learn to cope in a way different to how I had. I had to learn how to not resort to suicide (or at least keep it as a plan f rather than a plan b). I had to learn how to live again, and it will be different. My mind wasn’t quite as quick, I moved differently and thought differently. But I suppose it’s the dilemma, would you continue to live your slither of a life (not you specifically) in a half dead body or get another chance at life in someone else’s body. Because recovery can feel like someone else’s body for a while x

Sorry for rambling, I hope some of this helps you

Sometimes, it is hard to differentiate between you and the illness, but it doesn't mean it's impossible, and in a way, it can be quite fun to find yourself again. Perfectionism can be both a negative and positive trait, the tricky part is mastering it so it is used in a positive way.

Haha yes, I believe that's based on the Myers Briggs personality type. I'm pretty sure I'm an INFJ, also known as the defender. You're right, it is absolutely pointless to be a dead nurse. But, an alive hippie can do so much more 🩷 I'd like to either train up as a psychological wellbeing practitioner (PWP) or work as a lived experience practitioner to improve mental health services.

My friends are all so different from me, and I feel very fortunate to them for sticking by me and putting up with my shit. I'd like to go back to my hobbies like horse riding and driving but also find new ones!

Taking time out for yourself and to heal is absolutely ok! Sometimes we need to take a break, mindlessly scroll on social media, stare into space etc. I get moving from an actively suicidal brain to one that plans to exist. It's far from easy. It's also super tricky when you're physically in a much better place, but your mind hasnt caught up. I love a ramble too!

Thank you again for your message 🩷

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

Hey I just want you to know I’m cheering you on. Inpatient can be a really tricky environment, I was inpatient not for an ed but having had an ed I can only imagine how hard it is to stay on track when new admissions arrive! Try keep your distance from them, I encourage you to try and get support (or even chat gpt) to help you communicate the issues you feel you’re having with the dietician and the decisions being made. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that you can always leave an anonymous Google review (I did both 😅).

Anorexia is a sneaky bitch but you have to remember she’s a pathetic one too. When I listened to her, my life was shit. The only places she got me was a hospital, or at home with people constantly being suspicious of me and myself always feeling on high alert and shifty. It’s such a waste of energy and life. I tell myself in about 70 years I’ll die and look like a skeleton without having to starve myself, why waste the time and life I have not being dead trying to look like something I’ll get for free one day 😅

ED for me always tried to cut me down and make herself sound better than me, but one day I just snapped and went “bitch? We’re in a hospital, and it’s your fault. Everything you have touched turns to shit. Sure it might be nice to look a certain way, but you know what else is nice? Pissing by myself. Not hearing random people screaming when I’m trying to sleep. Not getting triggered by a bunch of other struggling people. Not having my life in the hands of shitty, power drunk professionals that go home at the end of the day and don’t give a crap about me or the effect their decisions have on me”

I decided to take my fat and freedom and never look back. It’s nice to piss by myself again. One day you’ll get out too and enjoy those small things too. Maybe make a list of the stuff you will enjoy out of hospital? I made a bucket list, even small things like running after the bus and using nice smelling soap!

This is such a lovely message to read. Thank you so so much for taking the time to send me such a kind and thoughtful message 🩷

We've had a few discharges over the past couple of weeks, so we are likely to have new admsisions. Luckily, I seem to have gone into my own bubble where other people dont trigger me. I just feel sad and frustrated that I'm not at the point where I should be by now.

My ED has completely ruined my life for the past too many years, and I really hope it doesn't ruin even one more! I'm so happy to hear you've managed to take back control of your ED and rebuild your life! You're absolutely right, and although it's far from simple to do so, being stuck in the depths of an ED only brings misery, pain, and isolation.

I will be very relieved to be away from hospital, away from rules that have no place in the outside world and be able to see loved ones whenever I'd like!

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

10.04.25

PTW

I've been here for over 7 months now and it still feels excruciatingly difficult, admittedly for different reasons. I've been at my target nearly 4 months, but it isn't getting easier and coming to terms with this healthier weight is a struggle to accept. It probably isn't helped that there have been several new admissions, all of whom are severely underweight (needing wheelchairs/ bed rest), far more unwell than when I came in at. I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard not to.

Anorexia is a sneaky, manipulative and cruel illness. I hate the person I have become as a result. I am however, so grateful for the people I've had the privilege of meeting along the way. One of who is the ward manager. Despite being super busy and inundated with paper work, she always makes time for me.

Last Thursday, I waved goodbye to her by the office door, so she came out and asked what I was having for lunch. I was unsure so said maybe a sandwich... she repeated the word "maybe" and I shrugged. With that, she said she'd have a word with my dad who was waiting for me downstairs in reception and took me by the hand to go to him. She asked him to support me and make sure I ate a sandwich or wrap.

Last night, despite starting at 7am she stayed after she finished her paperwork at 8pm and spoke with me for a good half hour. I don't think she left until half 9/10pm! She didn't have to do either of them, but she cares, so much. She's a bit concerned as she thinks I'm below my target, I'm not. I'm actually 200g over, BUT I am really struggling when on leave. I don't know what to do.

Every time I go on leave, the anorexia consumes me. I go in determined to make things different. Only, when it comes to it, I stare at the sandwiches in a blind panic, opting for a salad instead. Eating comes with too much baggage, too many unnecessary thoughts and feelings. It's simply too overwhelming. BUT, I can't continue this if I want a life outside of EDUs. I know this and I need to get a grip and fast.

I feel like I'm retreating into myself, spending hours in my room and away from others. Shame takes over as I think of how much things have completely crumbled, how they continue to do so. I just want to live independently, work part-time and spend time with loved ones. Why is that SO hard? I feel out of place here. New patients replace previous ones, only they are VERY poorly and I can't help but wonder if they look at me in fear. Fear that they will end up as fat as I have become. So, I retreat further.

I can go on leave now. Currently, I have 3x 30 minute walks to Hayes, weekly ward trip and 1.5 hours to go out to the "local area" (all unescorted). It's nice having some time away, but coming back is never easy. Hopefully, I'll be able to have more time off the ward next week. I did have day leave and an overnight last week but since I dropped 300g this week, my consultant felt it best to cut back my leave this week and get me back on track.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

22/03/25

What will it take to rid this sneaky, manipulative part of me that has somehow managed to destroy everything? Nothing positive comes from having an eating disorder, so why on earth do I let it continue to control my every move? How can I be so selfish?

18 years of this illness (diagnosed, nearly 24 if you count from when it first started!) and I'm still just as consumed as ever. I've spent more time in hospitals than my own home as an adult, watched others lose their own fight and still I continue the same destructive path. I'm exhausted from the constant fight and I wonder what it will take to win, or if I ever will beat it.

I am in another EDU, this time in London and I'm lucky for many reasons. The staff on the whole are kind and supportive, I have my own room/ ensuite and I'm not being pushed too far weight wise (this time). I know the last point is ED driven, but getting to even this point nearly broke me.

There are the usual rules which makes no sense, other than to piss patients off. No caffeine, no sweeteners, feet on the floor at all times (particularly during supervision post meals)... risk assessments that should take 2 minutes end up taking 30 so our much valued time out is cut short.

I don't know what the rest of my admission holds or even where I'll go after. The uncertainties are unsettling, which of course, for me is where the ED thrives.

Currently our ward is divided. The younger patients (18-25 year olds) sit in one lounge, with the exception of a 65 year old and the rest of us sit in the other one with uncomfortable chairs. The dynamic is strange. Two of the younger patients kick off (one daily), their motives not seemingly ED driven and I wonder if they themselves know what they want from their behaviours.

I've started to increasingly self- isolate, only really engaging with a couple of others as I'm not interested in the ward politics. I speak to everyone, but more on a surface, I need to protect myself too.

I'm getting more leave which is more than welcome but with it comes a great deal of responsibility and deep down I know I'm not quite ready for. Yet, I push for more and more as I'm desperate to spend as much time as I can in the real world, as though I'm clinging onto the part of me that makes up... me. Not the ED. Only, I'm setting myself backwards each time and I don't know how not to.

Why is this so hard?

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

01/03/25

How are we in March already? Where did the time go?

Being here feels harder than before in different ways. My section is due to expire in 4 days and even though my consultant has said she will be extending it for a further 6 months, I can't help but desperately want to escape and avoid it. The thing is, I don't need to be here anymore. I've got too big and I just want to get rid of the unnecessary weight gain.

I've come a long way in some ways, but every meal continues to be such a struggle and I wonder if it will ever get easier. I think I've got to the best place I can and it's time for me to leave. My mood is brighter, I'm over my target weight and I don't know what else I can gain from being here. I feel like a fraud being around those who are actually really unwell.

I have an ED, I acknowledge that, but it's not that bad and certainly not anymore. Even more so when compared to the others here. I'd like to learn to cook and be able to actually eat it, but surely I could do that in the community with OT from the ED services. There's no need for me to be here just because I have nowhere else to live. I could find a flat to rent and move there.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

17/02/25

How am I?

I am trapped, exposed and afraid. In a body that no longer feels like my own, too big, too unsafe. The need to disappear is overwhelming and I wonder how much more I can take.

Is this the right place? I don't know. I don't know where else would be more suitable, or if anywhere can even help me anymore. I wonder if I'm in the right place myself. I wonder it when I ask staff to wipe blood off the walls, trying desperately to distract myself from the screaming and shouting or smacking of heads against the walls.

I don't self- harm, but I think of suicide all too often of course and more in a practical sense. I'm tired of being a burden. I don't have active plans, but I still think of it.

I do know I work well with the majority of the staff, have built a trust I didn't believe was possible and in some ways come a long way from when I initially came. I still have a way to go, but where that is most suitable for me, I have no idea.

I'm trying my hardest to be brave, to get on with the meals despite the panic that sets in. I try not to make a fuss and hopefully slip into the background until I leave. BUT, that doesn't make any part of this feel tolerable and when I'm faced with things (mainly weight gain, food and/ or the threat of an ng) which push me over the edge, my first instinct is to run and disappear.

If you feel this isn't the right place for me, please discharge me from my section. I don't want to take up a bed or any more of your (and all the staffs) time.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

08/02/25

I feel exposed, vulnerable and afraid. It's how I feel every time I gain the weight back and I hate it. I wish I could simply accept it, but something stops me, every time. I'd love to travel again, spend time with loved ones and do a job that helps others. Yet, I'm stuck in this torturous cycle and no matter what I try, I can't find the way out.

I've been on maintenance for several weeks now. At what point will it get easier? I'm trying my hardest, I follow my meal plan, go to the groups and am honest with how I feel. Only, nothing is ever enough, I'm not enough. I'm simply waiting for somewhere to live, I hope my social worker gets on with it. I'm tired and fed up of wasting everyone's time here. They've tried so much to help me and I only throw it back in their faces. I can't do it anymore.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

30/01/25

Ever so slightly, my mood is brightening. I see a glimmer of hope but I'm scared to hold onto it in case it slips right through my hands. I'm trying to look towards a future, but it is incredibly overwhelming. So, I tightly grip to the hope of others until I find my own as I cautiously take each day as it comes.

I'm far from out of the woods, but I feel I'm edging my way closer to getting out. Having the responsibility to keep myself safe at night is a relief, but it isn't easy when the darkest of thoughts try to consume me.

Eating remains torturous. I know logically I need to eat, but I don't need this much and I look far more than the number on the scale. It's a constant battle and I wonder whether I'll be able to keep up the maintenance.

The pressure of everything is overwhelming.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

20/01/25

I'm sorry for writing. It's just that it's the easiest way to gather my thoughts and sometimes communicate. I’m also sorry this is so long!

I was really upset and disappointed when I was unable to see my friend on Saturday and I know my friend was equally disappointed. I’m not sure where the miscommunication happened, but my friend travelled over 2 hours (each way) just to see me. I thought it had been agreed in ward round I could see her and if it went well, we could review starting weekend visits properly again, which was why I booked the prayer room. Maybe I was wrong?

It means a lot for me to have the friendships I have as they’re like family to me. This illness has taken a lot from me including friendships, so I really value those still in my life and spending time with them. I have a couple of other friends who want to visit me, as well as my cousin, but they work full-time so would have to visit on a weekend. I appreciate there are less staff on weekends but, is there any way I could see them? I feel very hopeless and lost, but maybe a visit will pick me up, even just by the smallest of amounts.

I’m really struggling with the constant low mood, but also the lack of interest in food, not to mention feeling it is unnecessary for me to eat so much and weigh such a high number. I feel embarrassed every time I drag myself to the table, knowing all too well I shouldn’t be struggling this at weight, but I do. I really do. I eat mostly out of fear of the ng, am I really doing better or is it just my weight that is?

Another thing I'm struggling is with the ward environment as it feels quite disruptive/ unpredictable at times. I try and stay calm, but when there are loud noises (particularly loud bangs and screaming/ shouting) I can't help but feel overwhelmingly anxious. It reminds me of my mum as her moods are often unpredictable and can be volatile, particularly towards me.

I'm trying my best to shut it out, focus on myself, and I find that going to my room (my safe space) with staff who talk with me helpful. Sometimes, though it can get overwhelming, and I can feel myself starting to shut down, or less often, I tremble (a lot) and cry. I was wondering if you know how I can manage when this happens? Or if this is something I should discuss with Lorraine?

I'm so grateful for you offering for me to come with you to the other Priory where they offer rTMS and I was wondering if we could do that sometime soon? I trust and value your opinion so it would be nice to know what you make of it too. Maybe another staff could come too for support?

I asked about going to the garden with staff I trust first in ward round as they seem to know how to help me manage the intense suicidal thoughts and help me feel safer. It can be the way they pick up on my behaviours/ environment and reacting to them like talking to me to distract me away from them. This previously happened when my dad visited and my 1:1 was really supportive which really helped me.

I know going to an acute psych ward was mentioned, but it was Bernie who was keen for me to be sent to one and she didn't even know me. My care coordinator (whose known me around 2 years) is firmly against it as she knows how damaging they are for me, both mentally and physically. Please don’t send me there.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

15/01/25

Am I doing better when the darkest of thoughts circle my mind continuously as my mood continues to drag along the floor? Am I doing better when I only eat to avoid the dreaded nose hose, or is it because I continue to use the little left in me to continue fighting the dark grey cloud?

How long will this last? I need this to stop, I'm at my breaking point, and I have been for some time.

All I seem to do is fight the thoughts, do opposite actions etc. I'm trying my hardest, but I'm so very tired and sometimes it becomes too much not to give into the temptation of planning and eventually acting on it.

The last thing I want is to eat, yet I drag myself to the dreaded table each day to face it. I'm so uncomfortable in this bigger body. I should be used to it, but I'm not.

I try to think of a future, but all I see is a thick grey fog. I don't want any of this, but I can't seem to change. Why am I so useless?

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

08/01/25

I'm exhausted. The thoughts all too consuming with a lowness I didn't know existed. I'm stuck in such a rut, and while I try to remind myself, nothing lasts forever, I can't seem to hold onto it.

I'm trying to do what I can. I eat despite a non-existent appetite (not to mention fear of such high calories and gaining even more weight), shower with the little energy I have, and engage in conversations as I worry about others and wish I could do more to support them. I really am trying.

I promise to stay honest and try to fight the thoughts harder and go to groups more, but please don't send me to general psych. It would be far kinder to discharge me instead. I can't continue this cycle anymore.

I'm starting to question myself what if here can't help me? Do I even have an ED if general psych is being considered? Neither the depression/ trauma or anorexia are worse than the other, but they do separately spark off each other.

I'm holding onto your/ others hope for me until I find my own, but even the thought of going back to general psych chills me to the core. It truly damaged me and only sent me straight back to my ED. Is the consideration of it because you have lost hope for me?

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

05/01/24

Things have been horrendous the past week. My mind is in constant misery and I can't tolerate it. I tried to wipe my existence a week ago but the sleeping nurse at the time woke up and found me too early. Blood blisters became evident on my neck and face but otherwise I was fine. Since then I've been crying on and off, the darkest of thoughts continuing to swirl in my mind.

Things would be easier to deal with if I could just lose weight.

Speaking of which I've been at my target a couple of weeks now and while my meal plan has become easier, it's the only thing that has. The ward environment is chaotic and feels more like a camhs ward than an EDU. I feel confused, lost and cripplingly sad. I don't want to eat, but I have no choice. The NG protocol is still firmly in place if I don't. So, I reluctantly eat or drink the supplement.

I wonder where I'll be sent. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm sent to a general psych. I'm too fat to be on an EDU, too sad, too high risk. The ward manager wants to keep me here and help me, but I wonder whether I'm too far gone.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

01/01/2025

To understand me better and why I've gone downhill since Tuesday, it may be helpful to know a few things about me. I'm still in close contact with one of the people who hurt me most in different ways and continues to now. It's OK though, I'm used to it and I have to be in contact with her for my dad anyway.

Seeing my mum breaks me every time, I feel the same fear, hurt, and confusion as I did before. But, how can a grown adult be so afraid of their own mother? Pathetic isn't it?

I've never met someone with such extreme sides. One is filled with happiness, care, and an upbeat energy, yet the other is filled with anger, cruelty, and malice. I tend to only see the latter, but it's the unpredictability that frightens me the most and the fear of what she is capable of. It's why I'm constantly on edge (or exhausted from being so on edge), but also why my ED has developed the way it has over time.

I wish I could tell you all that has happened over the years, but I worry you will see me the same way I see myself.

What I can say is that a lot has happened and has made me want to disappear from everyone and everything. I've grown to believe certain things about myself, and they have become increasingly hard to shift. I feel sad, lost and ever so tired. Constantly caught between trying to hold onto the hope others have for me (since I've lost mine) and giving up entirely. Giving up feels right, it makes sense, it's what I deserve. I'm trying to fight this, but it's difficult when I believe it so strongly.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

14/12/24

For a small time, the thick grey fog eased when the social worker informed me I didn't have to go back to the placement. Of course, it quickly came back and heavier than it lifted when I learnt I may still have to go back, and even if I don't, I'll still have to go to another house-share. The last thing I want.

I can't keep up with this relentless cycle anymore. I can't take the admissions, the building of hope to everyone around me to inevitably ruin it, I'm just exhausted and the fight in me has diminished.

I think of leaving this world all the time, even dreaming about it and I go through it in such detail. The thoughts provide a guilty relief that I can't seem to shift. If only I could restrict, if only I could disappear from this world without hurting a single person, especially my dad.

I'm all prepared, I'm just waiting for the opportunity and the timing.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

01/11/24

How did things get this bad? When did I become so lost that I couldn't find the way back to take another path? What started as a way to cope has become a survival mechanism which will ultimately kill me anyway.

Just 3 months ago I had my last day of work. I was driving, horse riding and visiting friends and family. I would go as far to say I was functioning, admittedly I was restricting but, I was ok. Now, I'm in another EDU, on arms reach 1:1 obs 24 hours day and night, wishing over and over to be taken from this earth. I can't shower, shit or do anything without being watched, sometimes by people I've never even met. I'm practically crawling the walls, desperate to escape, to disappear.

Instead, they put me on a meal plan so high in calories, I'm set to fail. I don't need to gain unnecessary weight, instead, I need to lose it all and more. If I don't comply they pin me down and force a tube up my nose to pump in the liquid fat, causing me to flashback, dissociate and the past 2 times cause blood to come out throughout the tube or cough blood. I can't cope with it.

I wish they'd let me go. If I were a dog I'd be put down. Why as a person am I tortured?

They repeatedly ask if I'm safe with sharp objects in case I self- harm, yet they're the ones hurting me! Why would I want to hurt myself when I'm in so much pain already? I understand people do, but that isn't something I struggle with.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

28.10.24

If you heard my thoughts, I wonder what you would; think, say, do. Would you think I'm attention seeking or that it's all talk and self- harm, that I don't actually want to die? Do you think I'm just constantly miserable for no reason when others have it worse? Would you say I'm playing on the system, somehow manipulating everything and everyone just to suit me?

I wonder if you see my situation the way I do. That I'm far too fat to be in an EDU, that I'm out of place and it's unfair when so many are literally dying for the bed. I'm nothing but an inconvenience.

I wonder if I masked how I felt better, whether you would let me go? I try my best to, but it's so tiring, and my energy isn't so high these days. I know it's draining for you too. I'm sorry.

You ask me what I'm thinking, but, it isn't nice. You may know this already, but I think of ending my life all day every day. How, when and where a plan is properly formed, then I wait. It's not just that, I think of my loved ones, how they'll be better off now that their burden of worry has finally gone, and I can only hope that I become a distant memory that will one day fill them with comfort.

If I could, I'd go within a heartbeat and go back to restricting, making sure I rid the unnecessary fat clinging to my body. I know I wouldn't stop, but that's ok, I have that planned for too. It' just easier that way and provides a peace that nothing else does. It sounds odd but I'd rather restrict than end my life.

Having the ED challenged when my mood is this low is making me even more desperate to escape, and I can't take it.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

25/10/24

Saturday, I struggled all day as usual. I just wanted to restrict but a hca bought me back to the dining room to have the replacement. I cried too much over it, but it was that or the ng. This is the definition of torture.

That night, an agency lady was put with me. I'm not meant to be put with agency. So, I went to my bathroom (leaving her on the chair opposite by the window), closed the door and timed how long it would take for her to do a check. 15 minutes went by, nothing. So, I got my tracksuit bottoms to see how long the cord was, not long enough. So, I got my hoodie and measured it. It wasn't quite long enough to use it to hang myself.

I kept the cord under my towels, so other staff couldn't see. I would have to hope the ligature would be tight enough and last long enough to cut the oxygen to my brain and allow me to pass away.

The nurse came in about my medication, as I've been in a lot of pain with my stomach and unable to use the toilet properly. I'm basically severely constipated to the point blood is in my stools. Yet the ward dr just wrote up a small dose of lactulose. Wtf is that going to do?! I just rolled my eyes. It's like they think I just want laxatives when in reality, I just want something that will actually work and not have to go through another week of pain and pointless meds.

We spoke about me being on agency. I said I wasn't sure if I was meant to have agency on my obs. She said she hadn't heard that and there was only 2 permanent and 2 bank staff on with the other 2 being agency. I shrugged and said it was fine. She then tried to reassure me they would get to know me by reading my notes and I'd be safe... even though we both knew they rarely read the notes anyway and what I had planned would certainly not keep me safe.

I drifted in and out of sleep after but woke up at half 3am to find the agency on my obs again, so went to the bathroom. I ligatured as hard and silently as I could and the world eventually started to become hazy. I don't remember the sound of the door opening, just someone shouting to "leave her". That would have been ideal, I wasn't far off. Next thing I know, I'm on my bed. I later learned I was in the bathroom alone nearly 25 minutes without any checks despite a changeover of staff happening, the second person didn't check for 5 minutes either and then the staff couldn't find the ligature cutters, despite going around 3 wards. I was close, very close.

As I came to, the realisation of still being alive hit me, hard. I don't want to be here.

I was checked over, yet I remember hearing the staff saying they couldn't find the oxygen taker and that it was the least important... surely after what I did, it would be one of the most important things not the least? I can't say I cared either way.

The following day, my neck was sore and blood blisters on my neck and face formed. A reminder of yet another failed attempt.