leeannsparks

[leeannsparks]

Jackson's Own Rockstar: Chapter 3

CH. 1 & CH. 2

Synopisis: Let it be known that on September 26th, 2003 your life almost ended along with the world because you had a pair of fucking headphones on at work. Absolutely ridiculous looking back on it, but god if you don’t miss that record store sometimes. It’s like you can almost see the way it was before monsters started crashing through the windows and your boss dragged you into the back room. Now, twenty years later, you’ve finally found a little bit of home to grow your peace in, but when gruffness and kindness walk through the gates of Jackson, that peace starts to grow on a shakier foundation.

CW: This chapter and most moving forward will have depictions and discussions of cannabis use. Pairing: Jackson Joel Miller x Female Reader

Chapter Three: Time Makes You Bolder

Spring, 1995

Everyone talks about the milestones of the teenager. 

The day when your limbs and organs decide to shift overnight, when your body floods with new wrath and wretchedness.

A kiss, just lips meeting for the first time, maybe for the last.

Suddenly, opinions other than your own matter.

It’s a particularly shitty thing to go through. 

There’s one milestone that’s not often discussed, because not everyone will experience it, but you did today.

Sol planted himself beside you, covering the volume knob that connected to the speakers in the store. It had already been adjusted multiple times since you came through the door. It just didn’t feel loud enough, no matter what you did. “Alright, what’s going on?” 

He wasn’t going to say anything at first, but after fifteen minutes of you not even bothering to look his way or ask about the new shipments, he knew he couldn’t let it sit. You tended to have boundless energy during your shifts here, a far cry from your other part-time job at the closest movie rental place in town. 

You still avoided his eyes, adjusting the stack of cassettes next to the stereo. It reminded you that you still had three of his borrowed tapes that needed to be returned. You had meant to bring them in today, but well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He picked up one of the empty cases that you blindly put into the return bin before setting it in front of you again. “Don’t try that with me, you only put that record on when you’re having a bad day.” That’s not true, you weren’t that predictable, you thought bitterly.

“You don’t know shit Sol.” It was meant to be mumbled under your breath, not a chance in hell he should hear the remark, but he did. You truly must be the most unluckiest bastard in town today.

“Hey…” Sometimes you wondered if Sol’s voice was specifically designed for scolding. He told you once that he wanted to become a drill sergeant back when he was training, before they shipped him off to Vietnam. That desire didn’t last long; the only hope that he could have at the time was to come back home in one piece. 

You still refused to look at him, there was a rock in the pit of your stomach that had been steadily sinking throughout the day. “M’sorry.” 

He lowered the volume again. No one was in the store, 4:36 PM on a Tuesday; it was to be expected. “You wanna try that apology again, maybe actually start by looking at me this time, then tell me what’s got you so bent out of shape.” Oh, now you really didn’t want to look at him, mostly because your eyes burned from the tears you were fighting to control. It’s not fair, it’s just not fair. His shoulder nudged yours, a silent ‘it’s okay kid’ being passed through the gesture.

I can look at him without crying, I’m fine, you thought. There wasn’t much direct eye contact when you faced him, but it was better than staring at the cash counter. “I’m really sorry Sol, just…got into it with mom this morning, that’s all.” You turned away from him again, knowing it would be too much to hope that he would leave it alone now.

“Yeah, about what?” There was no way you could talk to him about this, it was bad enough that it happened, but he and your mom were actually ‘friends’,  you guess. Pros and cons of a small town. He nudged you again, “...about what?”

What could be worse than him knowing? “She caught me smoking in my room this morning.”

He didn’t blow up like your mom had today, but the disappointed shake of his head somehow felt heavier. “Dammit Star you know better than that.” 

“You know it’s really funny that y’all can even say anything to me, like you guys don’t get together on the weekend and do the same shit.” 

“We’re also grown ass adults too.” Yeah, sure, your mom was a grown ass woman, a grown ass woman who could barely remember to fix dinner most nights, you thought.

There was no point in saying your screaming thoughts out loud, so you just held up your hands in defeat. “I thought she had already left for work, how was I supposed to know she had the day off!?” She never bothers to tell you hers but always expects to know yours every week. 

“What happened after that?” Of course he wants to move away from the shit that points out how much of a hypocrite the two of them are.

“She tore my room apart…” You debated telling him the real kicker, but figured he would probably find out from your mom one way or another. “Found the shit I was supposed to sell this weekend,” you mumbled. Now you have no idea where she put it, and you would be fucked if she tossed it, all your savings would be gone in replacing it, just like that. 

Suddenly, his whole attitude changed. “I thought you weren’t involved with Reece anymore?” 

“Yeah, well, he pays more than you do.”

“You can be a real fucking idiot sometimes, you know that? I told you that man was nothing but trouble…”

“Didn’t bother to tell me that before you introduced me to him, did ya?” You had no idea just how much that fact ate Sol up inside. He had introduced the two of you some months ago. Originally, you bought your weed off of him, but like all addictions, you started needing more than he had. So he introduced you to his guy, who introduced you to his guy, who gave you another part-part-time job. “It’s whatever man, I already got this from mom this morning, okay, I don’t need it from you too.” 

He scoffed at your attempt to get him to back down. “Well somethings gotta get through that thick fucking skull of yours.”

The anger that had been building all day seemed to finally have a target. “Would you just fucking stop! You know, maybe, just maybe, I’m not as smart as everyone thinks I am.” 

“Now that’s not true, and you know that.” You’re so smart Star, such a bright mind, good head on her shoulders, families, friends, teachers, but they don’t even know you well enough to see how fucking stupid you are. 

“What do I know, huh? I know I’ve got no plan when I graduate next year, I know I’m probably gonna be stuck here no matter what I do, and I know my mom fucking hates me right now.” Great, now you had started crying, just fucking great. Who cries at work over a fight with their mommy? You tried to wipe them away, but they just wouldn’t stop. “You know she said she couldn’t even look at me this morning? Yeah, she told me to walk to school, didn’t want to see me for the rest of the day.” 

It was the look in your mom's eyes, like there was a stranger standing in front of her. You had never seen her so angry before; it was disorienting, and it hurt worse than any physical blow could. 

“But that’s not even the worse thing, you know she said to me ‘you’re gonna fuck up your life, just like your dad did his,’ the fact that she would fucking compare me to him, him of all people.” How could you be like someone you tried so hard to avoid, someone you tried to pretend didn’t even exist? 

There wasn’t a nudge to your shoulder this time, but a gentle hand resting on it. “You’re nothing like him…”

Fear had built up along with anger, and the fear couldn’t be brushed aside as easily. “But what if I am?” What if, what if, what if. “I mean, I give mom grief all the time, probably even worse than he did, I’m barely cognizant most days, and I’m just…so fucking angry. All the time. Just like he was. Half the time, I don’t even know what I’m so angry about.” It’s a scary thing, to not know where it comes from.

He turned you to face him, even though your eyes were glued to the floor. “Now you listen to me Star, sure you’ve got a temper, hell, most people do, but you are nothing like him. You know why? Cause he gave you a reference for what you don’t want to be. You’re a smart girl, so smart that I feel like an idiot when I talk to you sometimes.” You couldn’t help the sob-like laugh that left you, it wasn’t often that he admitted to being a bit of an idiot. “But you’re also kind, and I know it’s gotten you hurt before, but you still somehow manage to be the kindest face I see. You didn’t learn any of that from your dad, I’ll tell you that much.”

There were still so many doubts that you held, doubts that grew into your own truth, a truth that only you believed. “I just…I feel like I’ve already fucked up everything. I thought I was doing better, ya know, I have things that keep me steady, and I don’t feel as alone as I did. But she doesn’t approve of any of it, my friends, the stupid band…it’s like she hates who I’m turning into, even when it’s the best I’ve ever felt.”

“Your mom loves you Star.” And that should be enough, shouldn’t it?

A shaky inhale sifted through your chest, “I know…I know she does, but I feel like I’m one mistake from her-” 

He cut you off before you could finish the thought, “you know what she says about you to me?” You shook your head, knowing that he would tell you anyway, “I remember one time she said, ‘she keeps me steady, she’s the best thing that life’s ever given me.’ That kind of love Star…it’s not going anywhere. You’re just getting older, it’s not a bad thing, but it’s not an easy thing either.” 

What else could you say to that?

“Thanks Sol.”

“You’re welcome Starlight…still gotta talk to your mom tonight though.”

You brushed away the last of the tears that followed the tracks on your cheeks, “yeah yeah…”

Present

“Starlight…Starlight…where’d you go girl?” Eugene’s voice cut through the fog you had found yourself swirling around in. It brought you back to his and Gail’s dining room, back to the half-empty plate in front of you, and the glass of wine clutched in your hand. 

You shook yourself away from the thoughts, unsure of what even brought it to the front of your mind. “S-sorry, uhm nowhere…what were we talkin’ about?” Dinner with the two of them had become a part of your routine in Jackson, every other Tuesday at seven on the dot. 

“He was asking how things were going with the newbies.” Gail was already on her second glass of wine, and no one had any intentions of stopping her from reaching for a third. She was a tough one to crack, being able to read someone like she could meant she didn’t have time for anyone to waste it with repression and dishonesty. ‘If you want my honesty, then you better be sure you’re being honest with yourself first,’ she had told you at some point. You had secured one or two sessions with her, but they always dissolved into simply enjoying the other's company before you could even address any of your actual ‘problems.’. Trading for therapy wasn’t something you had ever thought you’d do, but that could be applied to many things. 

“Uh, fine, I guess, I see Ellie just about every day and she seems…fine.” The truth was, you were happy with how far the girl had come in such a short time. She was integrating well, albeit begrudgingly, but she seemed to enjoy the tasks assigned to her. Your home was still a secondary one for her most days when neither of you had anything to do. 

She took another sip from her glass. “Just fine?” What is she fishing for?

“She’s good company, pretty sure she’s adjusting well. I know she’s got a little part-time job at the stables, horses really like her, think she’s supposed to be starting school next month too.” You actually found yourself feeling sad at the inevitability. Her starting school meant that you wouldn’t get to see her as often as you were now. Which also meant that the small dent the two of you had made in your record collection would stay that way for a while. 

“What about you?” What about me?

“What do you mean?”

“How have you been having a new person around all the time?” 

“Thought you were off the clock Gail?” You saw Eugene laughing as he stood up from his chair to get a second helping of the ‘poor man's pot-pie’ Gail had made for dinner. “I mean, I think it's been good for me, but I just…I don’t know if I’m actually good for her, you know.” 

There was a scoff over by the stove as Eugene slammed down the spoon on his plate. “What are you talking about? The kids in this town love you, think you’re the best thing since sliced bread.” He poured himself another drink and brought the nearly empty bottle of wine over so he could top off Gail’s glass. 

You let out your own scoff at his defense of you. “Try telling that to a good chunk of their parents.” 

“Oh, come on, what do they know?” He asked while shoveling spoonfuls of the mess on his plate into his mouth.

“Uhm, their kids?” You offered as if it were obvious. 

Maybe you were blind, or maybe you just didn’t want to see what was right in front of you, but you didn’t realize until a couple of months ago that a good chunk of the adults in town had a serious problem with you. You understood why a few of the teenagers' parents didn’t like you, seeing as you and Eugene were the reason why their precious little angels were out in the woods getting high. However, you didn’t see Eugene getting nearly as much shit as you were. 

It had taken so long for you two to be able to convince Maria that your ‘business’ would benefit the town in the long run. Smoking grass was a much better and healthier coping mechanism than most of the residents currently had. Their coping usually involved getting piss drunk on whiskey water and making an ass out of themselves. She had eventually agreed, but only on the grounds that it would have to be done outside of the town, and none of the kids could have access to it. They were reasonable terms that you both had agreed to and did stick with it, at first. Look, when the older kids start mentioning it to the younger ones, there’s not much that can help that trickle-down effect, but it’s not like you were selling to twelve-year-olds. 

Of course, nothing ever stays a secret in this town for long, and that’s how Maria ended up ‘shutting down’ the operation. It’s also how you became Jackson’s deviant, hell bent on corrupting the youth even in the middle of the fucking apocolypse. 

“They just don’t like that their kids admire you.” That had to be one of the sweetest things Gail had ever said to you. You were so sure she disliked you at first, and to be honest, she probably did, but a few record trades and your fierce protection of Eugene beyond the walls eventually marked you as one of her ‘friends.’

You brought your glass towards your chest, not taking a sip but holding it to keep your idle hands busy. “That’s my point! I’ve never had anyone look up to me, expect something of me, especially not kids. You know the moms in my neighborhood actively avoided me when I tried to babysit for extra cash? Maybe I shouldn’t be around kids, probably just end fucking them up like I was back then.” Even if your problems had been a lot smaller at that time. 

She finished off her drink, “most of these kids are already fucked up and that has nothing to do with you.” You didn’t really have an argument for that, so all you could do was laugh at the blunt way she put it. 

“Yeah…I don’t know, I just feel like I’ve been on eggshells these past couple of weeks.” You’ve been tiptoeing around the town, around your plans, your jobs…him. 

“This have anything to do with that Joel fella?” How the fuck did he know that? 

“What? No.” It has to do with the parents barring you from playing for the kids, the looks that you used to not even clock before, and well, yeah, him. “Okay maybe a little but it’s his kid, one screw up and he might never let me see her again. Then I’m back to being alone practically every fucking day. I don’t even know how I got so attached to the little shit so fast.” Joel hadn’t even done anything, and that was kind of the problem. It’s been weeks since he and Ellie had joined you for dinner, and since then, she hadn’t been able to come over as often as she said she would like to. 

Part of you knew that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing; it meant that Joel had more time to spend with her, but the other part of you couldn’t help but wonder if he was deliberately keeping her away from your house. He hadn’t given you an update on the guitar repairs or accepted another dinner invitation that you had passed along through Ellie. So what other conclusion could you come to other than he didn’t like you, didn’t approve of you, didn’t want Ellie around you like so many of the other parents in town? You assumed that maybe the two of you could try to be friends, despite the less-than-rational thoughts you had about him, since you considered Ellie to be your friend. Maybe, just maybe, he needed one too, like you had needed Eugene when you first came here, but if he didn’t want that, there wasn’t much you could do.

So now there are eggshells everywhere you step. 

Eugene’s voice broke you out of your spiral, “'cause you’ve got a big heart and you don’t know what to do with it most of the time.” Again, you didn’t know how to respond to that, so you flipped him the bird using the hand that wasn’t holding your still-full glass. He flipped you one back before standing up from the table to clear away the table. “Thank you for dinner love, it was fantastic,” Eugene said while pressing a soft kiss to his wife’s cheek. Despite the attitude they both shared, the two of them could be really sweet in their quieter moments. 

Since his back was facing you and Gail, you discreetly slid your glass over to her; she knew you didn’t drink that much, so she was happy to take the offering from you. Eugene dusted off his hands and passed by the table towards the door to their back porch. He opened the box that had a special place on the counter by the door and pulled out one of his perfectly rolled beauties. “You coming out back with me or are you staying at the table?” He asked as if he didn’t already know the answer.

You told Gail ‘thank you for dinner’ before following him outside. There was a chance that she would join you two, but considering the four glasses of wine she had, you doubted it.

Jackson was quiet tonight, which was, of course, a good thing, but some nights it felt like a ghost town and not the bright spot that it was. You heard the sound of Eugene’s lighter flicking on and the slight sizzle as it burned the flower at the tip of the joint. He mimicked your position against the porch railing as he inhaled before passing it to you.

You thanked him before pressing it to your lips, the taste was sweet and pungent, familiar and comforting. The smoke was like a swirling, heavy mist in your lungs, rattling on the exhale, bringing tears to your eyes. Fuck, you thought as you coughed out the rest of the hit, my lungs shouldn’t still be trying to kill me at this age.

“You sure you’re alright?” He asked after you had finally caught your breath. 

The first breath back in was always sweeter as your head floated away. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure just…got a memory thrown at me earlier.” Eugene nodded in realization, he still didn’t know the extent of your life, just like you didn’t know his, but there was an understanding on both sides

He took the cylinder from your outstretched fingertips. “Hmm, well, don’t let those assholes get to you, they were prissy shits before all of this and will be like that till the day they die.” At least this was one experience you could share, he hadn’t been too popular in his old neighborhood back in the day either. 

Still, all it would take is enough people who had a problem with you and everything you’ve worked for, fought for, could be gone in a second. “It’s just hard not to let it bother me when this is my home too. It’s not like I’ve done anything either, I do my work, put in my share, help where I’m needed…just not sure what more I can do.” Maybe it wouldn’t bother you so much if everyone had something against you. At least then you wouldn’t have an idea of what community could be; it would lessen the blow from those who want nothing to do with yours. 

“You’re wanted here by the people who matter, fuck what the rest of them think.” He passed the joint back to you after he got his thoughts out. You could tell the day was starting to get to him by the way he fell back onto the small chair on the porch. 

The chair creaked beneath your ass as you joined him, it was still far more comfortable than the wood that was pressing into your chest before. “Yeah, fuck ‘em.”

An hour passed between the two of you as you finished off the shared smoke and planned for your next trip. Eventually, Gail had stepped out onto the porch to say goodbye since she was heading off to bed. You told them that you should be heading out as well since it was getting late and your bed was practically calling out for company.

After you had given Gail a hug and a promise to see her tomorrow to drop off the records she had asked to borrow, Eguene brought you in for an embrace as well. “Keep that smile on Starshine, don’t let ‘em take it from you.” Sappy moments were few and far between for you two, so you gently shoved him away with a ‘night, old man.’  

The trek back to your house always felt a mile long after dinner at Eugene’s, no longer a silent walk as your sporadic humming broke up the natural night song. You could see the distant shape of your home getting closer with each step, but your lights were off inside, so you didn’t see the figure sitting on your steps until you were a few feet away. 

She gave you a small wave when you stopped walking, “Ellie? What are you doing here hun? Thought you were staying in tonight.” Fuck I’m still high, does she even know what weed is, your brain fired off the rapid thoughts one after another until she responded. 

Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “I was, but Joel got called in for a last-minute watch, and I just didn’t feel like being home by myself.” You did tell her that she was always welcome, but surprises in your current state didn’t help your spiraling worries. 

“How long have you been waiting here?” You asked while offering her a hand so she could stand up from the steps. The two of you walked to your front door, and you brought out your key to unlock it. Most people in Jackson didn’t even bother to lock their doors; what was the point after all, but you’d rather not come home to find any of the stuff that actually mattered gone. 

“Only about an hour.” Oh, so while you had been off getting high, she had been out here waiting in the cold, that sure made you feel better.

You ushered her inside, “get in the house you crazy child, the nights are still cold right now.” The door closed behind you as the two of you took off your shoes. “Did you at least eat dinner?”

“Yeah, I grabbed something before I came over.” This was honestly the best news because you sure as hell did not feel like cooking right now. 

You looked around your home like you weren’t sure what to do with her, blaming it on your thoughts being a bit more sluggish right now. “Okay, well, I had nothing planned for the rest of the night, so how does a movie sound?” 

“Sounds good to me,” she said as you scooted by her to get to your TV and the small collection of movies beside it. You heard her sniffle a few times behind you, and you worried that maybe she was already getting sick from the short time she had spent outside. “Dude, not to be rude or anything, but you kind of stink.” Shit, shit, shit not good.

“Uh, yeah, sorry I was at Eugene’s, must’ve been his…cigarettes.” Fuck I’m a terrible lier when I’m high, you thought. “I’ll go change in a minute.” 

She flopped down on the couch but her face said she could sniff out your bullshit. “That’s not how I remember the FEDRA soldiers smelling.” At least this meant that she didn’t know what you had actually been smoking. 

“Must’ve been a different kind then,” you respond before quickly tacking on, “so watcha in the mood for, huh? You want something funny, scary, cartoony?” You hoped that the line of questioning would throw her off your scent. 

“You pick, haven’t really seen a lot of movies.” You wondered if she knew about the frequent movie screenings that Maria put together for the town. Then again, you doubted she would like being around that many people since a lot of the town attended. 

Your pick ended up being a simple animated movie that you used to watch, it was one of your regularly borrowed items since the kids loved it. “You know you’re welcome to borrow some of mine if you and Joel ever want to have a movie night, right?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool,” she said, but she didn’t sound very enthusiastic about it. Something had to have happened for her to be so reserved tonight. 

Deciding that she would tell you when she was ready, you put the VHS tape in the player and got it started before going into the kitchen to grab the two of you something to drink. The movie had been playing for about fifteen minutes after you returned and sat beside her. She still hadn’t said anything, or made a single remark on the film, and you realised that she definitely wouldn’t say something until you asked. “You okay Ellie? You’re a lot quieter than usual tonight.”

She didn’t look away from the screen, but she did bring her legs up to rest more comfortably on the couch. “It’s nothing, I’m fine.”

“Okay…” If she doesn’t wanna say anything, then she won’t, that’s fine-

“Maria said some stupid shit to me today.” Okay, maybe she does want to talk about it. 

You turned to face her, gaze still a bit unfocused. “Yeah? What did she say?”

“She wants me to start school next week instead of next month, said I need something to do besides hang out with you and Joel.” Wow, thanks Maria. “Which is fucking bullshit, like I’m doing other things.” These kinds of conversations with teens are always so delicate. Act too much like a parent, and they clam up, decide they can never come to you with another problem ever again. Or, you’re too understanding and they don’t believe it.

“I thought you were excited about starting school?” She seemed thrilled to be able to learn about science, since to her it was ‘actually useful.’ Everything else didn’t hold the same appeal, but she was still eager the last time you talked to her about it. 

She acted like she was caught in a lie, like she would have never said anything good about school in her life. “I was…when I thought I still had time…”

Her short explanation just made you even more confused, “time for what?”

“Time to convince them that I could do patrol instead of going to school.” Ahhh, that’s where all of this is coming from. 

“Ellie…” you started, trying to explain to her that a lot of kids want to do patrol, it’s why they put age restrictions on it in the first place. 

She barreled on, “I’m not like the other kids Star! It’s so easy for them! I can’t just sit at a stupid desk every day like, like it’s normal, like any of this is normal. You know I’ve probably killed more infected with Joel than all of these assholes, it’s just…what good is school when there’s worse waiting out there?” You let her finish what she had to say, hoping that you could understand where she was coming from. The knowledge of her time before Jackson was limited to you, since you only knew the little bit she wanted to share with you. Even if she hadn’t told you about the Kansas QZ, or the multiple clickers attacks, or the injuries Joel had received that she had to patch up, you would have known that it wasn’t easy on her. Not for a moment.  

“You know Ellie, you might have more in common with them than you think. Some of them were born here, yeah, but, a lot of them came from outside like you. We’ll never know what they went through, they don’t talk about it, just like they’ll never truly know what you and Joel went through.” The town had buzzed with their own theories that first week they arrived and then the week they came back for good, but they’ll never know if their theories had a leg to stand on. “You wanna say that it’s easy for them, but it’s really not. Everybody who has come through those gates had to adjust on their own time, and nobody got to decide how long that was.” 

If she was being open and honest, then dammit you could be a little open yourself. “Even for me, it took a long time before this became home.”

“When did it become home?” It was such a simple, short question, but it felt so difficult to find the right answer. 

Your cheek rested in your hand as you leaned into the back of the couch. “I thought it was when I was able to have just one night without nightmares, but, I think it happened when I started smiling and didn’t feel so guilty about it.”

“Why did you feel guilty?” It was like Ellie knew the answer, but she still wanted clarification. After all, what are the things that people feel guilty about nowadays? 

“Because there were people I lost along the way, people who should have been in Jackson with me.” This isn’t what you were trying to say to her, so you tried to bring it back around to her other problem. “Let me tell you this. You don’t have to go to school if you don’t want to Ellie, they technically can’t force you, and I honestly wouldn’t blame you, I hated school.” Should you really be saying this to a kid who doesn’t want to go? “But, you might be one of the few kids who actually likes it, because you love to learn Ellie, I see that, you’re so smart.” You’re a smart girl Star.

She protested, “I’m not helping anybody by being in school though.” 

But I can help with bills Mom, I can actually do something useful.

“Look, regardless, they won’t let you join patrol until you’re eighteen, won’t even start training you till you’re sixteen.” Now was the time when you had to bring up the reality of the patrols and strict regulations of Jackson. This just wasn’t going to be something she could do until she was older. Was she capable, probably, but would they let her, no.

“Which is bullshit…”

“Which is not a bad thing Ellie.” There was a look of betrayal on her face, yes, how dare you be rational and adult about this? “You’re a teenager, just, take your time for a bit, do stupid teenager stuff okay, trust me. Whatever's out there will still be waiting for you when you’re ready to take it on.” She still seemed disappointed that she didn’t get the answer she wanted, but it’s not like you had any say when it came to patrols. “And I’ll tell you what, if you ever need help with homework or anything else, then you can come to me…alright?”

She took to that idea a lot better, “I guess I can give it a try.”

You gave a playful punch to her shoulder, not something you would normally do, but your brain was still a touch mushy. “Good…I’m glad you told me hun.”

“Yeah, well, it’s easy to tell you this stuff.”

The next question you asked shouldn’t have even come out of your mouth since it was none of your business, but apparently it just needed to be voiced. “Have you told Joel any of this?” 

She shook her head, “no, not yet at least, if it was up to him he probably wouldn’t even let me train.” Even the most overbearing parents still wanted their child to know how to use a gun, so you doubted that was the case. 

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“You don’t know him.” Well, if that didn’t send a punch into your chest. But, she was right, you didn’t know him, couldn’t assume anything about him. You had only talked to him twice since he didn’t pick up Ellie from your house again after that dinner. 

“True, but I can’t say I blame him.”

There was that look of betrayal again, “oh come on, not you too!”

You held up your hands in defense, “now hold on a sec, I’m just saying that it’s safe here, how long that lasts no one knows, but for now it’s safe. Can you really be mad at him for wanting to keep you safe?”

One thing that you had learned about Ellie was that she detested being wrong. Sadly, it’s something that she would have to get used to, teenagers tend to be wrong a lot of the time, you would know. “I guess not…”

“Trust me when I say that him being a bit overprotective is a lot better than him not giving a shit. Might not seem like it at the moment, but it never does.”

She gave a nod, knowing that there was heavy truth in your words. “Yeah…he’s really not all that bad, not like the way people think.” 

Your shoulders imitated her usual gesture before both of you turned back to the movie. “I tend to take what this town thinks with a grain of salt.” She liked that answer.

The girl hadn’t been able to make it even an hour into the movie before she passed out on the couch. Her head was resting on the arm with her knees tucked into her chest, mouth parted as soft snores escaped. She was dead to the world, but a little chilly, so you threw the blanket over her, unsure what possessed you to tuck her in. When was the last time anyone did that for you?

You were getting up to go put your glasses in the sink when there was a harsh knock on the front door. Realistically, there was only one person it could be, so you already had your greeting prepared when you swung the door open. “Hey Joel, you here to pick up Ellie?” He looked…tired, and a little agitated, he probably hadn’t expected to have to pick up Ellie after he got done with watch duty. Shit did she even tell him that she was coming over here?

He looked ready to answer your question before something stopped him. You saw his nose scrunch, and it was kind of adorable, but then he had his own question for you. “Have you been smoking chronic?” Your brain sputtered for a second, shit I didn’t change, fuck he can smell it on me, then you just started laughing. Who still calls it chronic? You remember your mom calling it one time but fuck, that was so long ago. 

Fighting through your giggles, you asked, “I’m sorry, what did you call it?”

It seems that Joel didn’t find it all that funny, “answer the damn question.” Oh yeah, he looked downright furious right now. Was this the proverbial shoe that you had been waiting for to drop?

You held up your hands to gesture for him to keep his voice down. Not like anyone was around to hear, but Ellie was still inside on the couch, and she could wake up any second. “Alright, alright, chill out, yeah I did, or I have, but don’t go yelling it to the world.” 

He took a few booming steps towards you. The man was incredibly intimidating, especially with the irate scowl he bore that was worse than his usual one. You had to fight yourself from taking a step back, I refuse to be bullied in my own home, you thought. “Were you smoking that shit around Ellie?”

“Okay first off Joel, fuck you, I would never do that. Second, she said she wasn’t coming over tonight and she was waiting on my porch when I came back from Eugene’s cause she didn’t want to be alone. What was I supposed to do, tell her no?”

“I know she came over here, she left a note, and I don’t want her around that.” 

My kids were playing outside, I don’t want them around that, one of your past neighbors, Lara, had said to your mother. She had threatened to call the cops at one point, you wondered if Joel would do the next best thing and report you to Maria.

“Understood.” The word was sharp and biting, but still calm. You didn’t give any more than that, something that seemed to surprise him. Maybe he expected you to lash out, give him the fight he probably craved. Or, maybe he was like so many others, waiting for you to make one mistake, so that everything they thought about you was proved right. “She’s inside sleeping, I’ll go wake her up.”

You were going to leave the door open while you fetched Ellie, but something inside of you was itching to bare its teeth. Don’t leave it at that, don’t be spineless. You looked at him again, and he looked about ready to start tapping his foot to get you to move faster. The sweetest smile was plastered on your face as you told him, “ya know maybe you should try it some time…might help with that stick that’s lodged up your asshole.” Then, before he could respond, you closed the door in his face and went to wake up the comatose kid on your couch.

Honestly, there were probably a million better things you could have said to him, but you were so tired of getting shit from people that judged you for having a bit of peace at the end of the world. 

Ellie grumbled and tried to swat you away when you woke her. The girl nearly tripped as she sleepily lumbered her way into her jacket and shoes. You opened the door to present her to Joel, see your child is fine asshole. 

You would hate to see the look he was giving you directed at someone he actually intended to harm. “Have a good night you two,” you said, trying to usher them away from your house as quickly as possible. Which felt unfair to Ellie, it’s not like she had done anything, but her dad, let's just say he’s gonna have to get his coffee somewhere else from now on. 

There was a small hope that she wouldn’t notice the animosity between the two of you. She turned to you and said, well, more like she yawned and mumbled, “you too, see ya tomorrow.” Joel didn’t say anything, which was interesting; you thought for sure he would say something like ‘no you won’t’, but no, nothing. Maybe he was waiting till they were alone, you could practically see the conversation now, ‘you’re not allowed over there anymore’, ‘don’t like her, she’s bad news.’ Maybe Ellie would even storm upstairs in protest, slam her door like you had done so many times before. 

The thought actually hurt you a lot more than it should. 

There was an odd relief about you when they started walking away and you closed the door. At least now you no longer had to walk on eggshells, but in doing so, you’d probably lost any chance of getting to see Ellie again. 

Now that thought, it fucking shattered you. 

A/N: Oh Joel, how do you manage to fuck it up by chapter three buddy??? Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, finally getting some Starry flashbacks! Sad flashbacks, but still! Also, please feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think of the story so far, I'm always excited to hear from you guys! :) Some people have asked about a tag list, which is something I'm working on! I don't have a lot of experience posting my work on tumblr so please bear with me while I figure it out lol. Lastly, here's the AO3 link for this story just in case you'd rather read it over there! Happy reading and I'll see y'all next time - Lee <3 Chapter Playlist: Terrible Lie - Nine Inch Nails Ordinary World - Duran Duran

[leeannsparks]

Jackson's Own Rockstar: Chapter 2

CH 1 & CH 3

Synopsis: Let it be known that on September 26th, 2003 your life almost ended along with the world because you had a pair of fucking headphones on at work. Absolutely ridiculous looking back on it, but god if you don’t miss that record store sometimes. It’s like you can almost see the way it was before monsters started crashing through the windows and your boss dragged you into the back room. Now, twenty years later, you’ve finally found a little bit of home to grow your peace in, but when gruffness and kindness walk through the gates of Jackson, that peace starts to grow on a shakier foundation.

Pairing: Jackson Joel Miller x Female Reader

Chapter Two: Advice For The Young At Heart

Quiet means safe.

Quiet means there can’t be judgment or danger. 

Sometimes, when you’re lucky enough to get a full night's sleep, on nights where it's quiet, it’s like you can feel the bed rocking to and fro on top of never still waters. A mimic of the waves that used to lull you to sleep, lapping at broken barriers. 

As long as you don’t open your eyes, the rays of the sun won’t find you, won’t parch your throat, won’t remind you that it’s another day-

BANG BANG BANG

It’s not quiet anymore.

Your body disconnected from the bed as you jolted up, you’re still in your room, four corners, ground beneath your feet.

BANG BANG BANG 

You glanced at the alarm clock on your bedside table and groaned. Should’ve known Ellie would wake you at, fuck what was it, 7:30 AM.

There was limited time for you to fully wake up since there was a good chance she would keep knocking until someone answered. So you slipped out of bed, the pajama pants you fell asleep in falling to your ankles from where they had ridden up during the night.

When you opened the door, you could see the culprit fidgeting on your front porch, but still looking as giddy as she had been the night before. 

You fought down the yawn rising in the back of your throat, blinking away the drowsiness before fixing her with a knowing look. “How did I know you were gonna be here before breakfast, huh?”

She shrugged, “s’not my fault, you should’ve said ‘Ellie, I’m old, I need sleep, don’t be here before nine.’ But you didn’t, so now I’m here.” This little shit.

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely my fault for being so old and decrepit,” she just nodded along as if it was the most truthful thing that was ever spoken. You shook it off with a laugh and stepped aside. “Well, come on in then, make yourself at home.” 

You could hear the soft ‘woah’ that Ellie let out as she took in the small expanse of your home. She lost her balance once or twice while trying to toe off her shoes since she refused to look away from the walls. Her eyes were drawn to the empty album covers collaged with weathered posters thumbtacked to the wall. She traced the skeleton of the T-rex embedded in a red circle and pressed a finger over E.T.’s outstretched one. She seemed to admire the moon on the last one longer than any of the others. Moving on her feet shuffled over to the record player that was situated beside the small box TV, hands hovering around it as if she wouldn’t dare touch it.

She turned around and stared at you like you had just shown her the holy grail. “Dude, where did you get all this stuff?”

You could really only offer her a shrug, “I’ve just been collecting since I got here, I guess. A lot of the bigger stuff I got from a few trades around here, but the rest have just been from trips with Eugene.”

“Who’s Eugene?” She asked while admiring the art on the opposite wall.

“He’s one of the people on patrol, really good guy, you’ll probably meet him at some point.” All the teens know Eugene. 

The idea of you leaving the safety of Jackson seemed to excite her, but why you couldn’t tell.“Where do you guys go?”

You noticed the clutter surrounding the TV stand and coffee table and decided it would give your idle hands something to do. It’s not often that you have visitors come over. Mars Eugene and Gail tended to be your most frequent guests, and even they never stayed for more than an hour or two. “We found this town that’s a couple days out, was mostly abandoned, a few infected, but Eugene and I hit the jackpot with that place.” You set aside the stack of vinyls that would need to be sorted later. “Record store, comic shop, and a pharmacy, oh, it was like Christmas. Course, we couldn’t take everything back with us the first time since it was just us two, but we were able to get permission from the town to head down there every couple of months. After bringing back all the ‘essentials’ first of course,” you emphasized with a quick wink her way.

“That’s awesome…so you like comics too?”

“Yeah, didn’t really get into them until I was a teenager, but yeah.”

“You ever read Savage Starlight?” The name sounded familiar; you’d probably passed by it a million times before when you were younger, and now you were wondering if you had glanced over it on one of your trips with Eugene.

“You know, surprisingly, I haven’t, guess you’ll have to educate me on it.” 

She seemed excited by the idea, “cool…so is this all the albums you have?” You saw her gesture towards the singular box beside the record player. 

Oh, she has no idea. “Ha, yeah no, that’s not all of them, here come on.” You motioned for her to follow you to the door of the spare room. There was theatricality in the way you slowly opened the door to reveal what was inside to her.

“No fucking way…”

It was like her eyes didn’t know what to look at first, rapidly darting between the numerous movie posters, magazine clippings on the wall, and knick-knacks on top of the dresser. Ellie mentally counted the six no eight full boxes of vinyls, there were two by the door. Part of you was hesitant to put up any of the stuff you’d collected within that first year. But with every inch of the wall that was covered, it slowly started to remind you of your room at mom's house. You wondered if, even miles away and years apart, did it still look the same?

“Oh, but wait, there’s more,” you said while dragging the weighty green storage bin from the corner towards the middle of the room. She looked between you and the bin like she wasn’t sure what you wanted her to do. “Open it.”

Without any further encouragement, she popped the lid off and lost her mind at the brightly colored graphics of the dozens of comic books inside. “There’s so many,” she said while picking up a copy of the Uncanny X-Men, one of your most recent selections. You knew she would fall in love with that one. “Have you read all of these?”

“Not yet, I’ve gotten through a good chunk of them, but I’ve been using them for trades lately, let the kids have something fun to read now and then.” She had already opened the front page and was devouring the new material like it was going to leave her hands at any moment. You realized that the two of you could spend the whole day just going through this one bin if you didn’t offer up anything else. “Have you eaten breakfast yet?”

She didn’t bother looking up from the comic. “No, Joel usually makes something in the morning, but he was still asleep when I left. Pretty sure he’s got patrol today.” 

“Well, that’s alright…here,” you said while dragging one of the many milk crates over to Ellie. This one was labelled Classics, and you were interested to see which ones she would choose from it.“Why don’t you pick out five from here that catch your eye while I get started on breakfast? Sound good?”

She gave you a mock salute and immediately dropped the comic book before turning to rifle through the crate. 

There was only one pan in the cabinet, ridiculously large for the amount of eggs you were cooking, but the rest of your meager cooking utensils were being used for leftovers in the fridge. Shit, and you only had three slices of bacon, kids need more than that right? Luckily enough, you still had half a loaf of bread in the fridge, hopefully a bacon and egg sandwich would be enough to tide you both over until the mess hall served lunch. 

Once everything had been placed on the counter and the pan was heated enough, you called out over your shoulder, “how do you take your eggs Ellie?”

“Any way is fine as long as the yellow thing isn’t wiggly!” She yelled back from the room. 

The yellow thing, “you mean the yolk?”

“Yeah, that thing!” Your shoulders shook with the laughter you tried to contain. In your opinion, a runny yolk is superior, but you could so how a kid would find it appalling. There were a lot of things you didn’t like at her age, back when you had the privilege of being picky about what you would eat for dinner that night. 

You ended up giving Ellie two slices of the bacon and an extra egg just in case the girl was a bottomless pit like you used to be. 

The sandwiches were put on a plate and you were about to call for Ellie to come eat when you heard her exclaim, “holy shit!”

Curious about what she found, you started walking back to the room, “everything okay?” Wait, she's not in this room.

“This is the coolest guitar I’ve ever seen!” Fuck she’s in my room. You took in a deep breath at the flash of anger that rushed through you at the realization. She’s just a kid, she doesn’t know any better.

You walked back out and took the few steps towards your room to see her gazing up at the Peavey Star Tracer hanging on your wall. A near-perfect replica of the one you…lost. 

“I gave you that whole room in there, and you still decide to snoop in here?” There was an overabundance of teasing in your tone to make up for the smidgen of anger you were trying to tamp down.

Fuck it’s hard to stay mad at her when she looks so excited. “Yeah, but that room didn’t have this.” She gave the biggest gesture towards the guitar as if to say, ‘see, look at it!’

You walked towards her, offering the plate that held her sandwich. “Well, looks like you found Rene…” she snatched the food off of it and took a ferocious bite like it was about to be stolen from her.

“You named your guitar?” She asked through a mouthful of the sandwich, a bit of yolk stuck to the side of her mouth. 

You took your own bite, “yeah, of course, if you’re gonna pick it up every day and play it, at least show it some respect and give it a name.”

Her head bobbed up and down in confused agreement. “What about the one you were playing last night?”

“That one’s called Boise.” You said, pointing towards the guitar case beside your bed. Just like the instrument inside, it was covered in faded and scratched stickers that you had managed to collect over the years. The case was undeniably a bit more barren than what it housed. 

“Hmm, weird name,” yeah, weird name. “So does this one even work, or is it just for show?”

“Sadly, Rene’s been out of commission for a long time.”

“What do you need to fix it?”

“Shit that I don’t have and skills that I don’t have, but it’s fine, I knew I’d have a snowball's chance of getting it to work when I brought it here.”

She asked why you even brought it with you if it didn’t work. “Because I had one just like it, back before all of this. Got it for my twelfth birthday, played it every day, even tried to bring it with me when we had to leave, but…nothing like that lasts out there. Figured it couldn’t just be a coincidence when I found her sitting beside Boise in her case, so I brought them both back with me.”

There was investment in her eyes, “you know, Joel told me a while back that he probably would’ve been able to fix a guitar for me when we got here…maybe he can take a look at that one too.” The sentiment, while sweet, was pretty impossible. Not only were you not going to ask a new resident to do something for you, but there was also no way anyone was touching that guitar. 

You both finished off the last bite of your sandwiches. “Yeah, maybe…so which records did you end up picking?” 

One after another, you looked through what caught her eye. Joan, Ziggy, Tears for Fears, Depeche, aww, and look at that, she even chose Meat Loaf. My money is on her picking that one solely because of the name.  “Oh Ellie, Ellie, Ellie…these are all excellent choices.”

She seemed mighty pleased with the verdict, even gave herself a congratulatory high-five. “I knew it, so which one should we start with?”

A little confused because you thought she would want the first pick, you asked, “you want me to pick?” Her head just nodded like it was obvious, “alright then…well, I guess we’ve gotta start with the always fabulous Bowie.”

“You had a lot of his albums, what’s so ‘fabulous’ about him?”

“Oh my sweet summer child, I don’t think you’re ready. Listening to this album will change your entire outlook on life. You think you can handle that?” She laughed off the insanity of your question, and you won’t lie, you were playing it up for her benefit, but come on, you only listen to Bowie for the first time once in your life.

After setting down the small stack of records, you threw down the blanket that lay over the back of your couch onto the ground along with two of the pillows. Ellie looked at you like you were clinically insane now, “what are you doing?”

“I’m giving you the full experience Ellie.” She still didn’t look convinced. “Once I turned sixteen and started making my own money, I would come home with a new record whenever I could. And in my opinion, this was the best way to listen to them, just…trust me, okay.”

She huffed while going to lie down, resting her head on the cushion, she raised her hands like she was waiting for the supposed ‘miracle’ that was about to happen. You slid the vinyl out of its sleeve and carefully placed it on the turntable before moving the needle. Once the first song started, you quickly ran over and lay down opposite her so that only your heads were next to one another on separate pillows. She shook her head again before the lyrics began, and then she was quiet, oh so quiet.

You didn’t dare say anything, not until the end, why am I nervous about her liking it, god, I really hope she does. 

“Okay, yeah…yeah, I get it now…” her voice was so soft next to you. You turned your head towards her and saw that she was a bit misty-eyed. 

“Told ya,” you responded just as softly.

Hours passed between you two, song after song, question after question, only getting up for the occasional drink and snack. It was…perfect. One of those days that makes you wonder if you had ever really been as lonely as you thought. 

You were just about to put on Ellie’s next pick when there was a knock on the door. The thought that it might be Joel here to pick her up crossed your mind, but it was still light outside.

“Hang tight, let me see who that is.”

When you opened the door, you saw Mars on your porch looking a bit sheepish. “Hey Mars, what’s up?”

You immediately knew that he wanted something based on his demeanor. “Hiya Star, I’m sorry to bug you. I know it’s your day off…”

“Hmmm, but you’re still doing it…whatcha need?” Mars wasn’t a bad guy, but he did tend to need your help more than anyone else in this town. It does mean you get extra honey each harvest, so the favors tend to even themselves out.

“My radio’s been acting up again, was hoping you could take a look at it.” Him and that damn radio, you keep telling him to try and trade for a new one when people outside come by but he never listens to you.

“And your bees couldn’t survive until tomorrow, huh?” You saw him flounder at your teasing and cut in before it took him too long to realize he was being messed with. “It shouldn’t be a problem, let me go check with the present company real quick.” Gently closing the door, you looked back inside to see that she had heard the entire conversation. She looked upset like you were seconds away from kicking her out. 

“Hey Ellie, you wanna take a field trip with me real quick?” That question immediately perked her back up.

“To where?” She asked the question even though she was already running over to put her shoes back on. 

You started to put your boots on after turning the record player off, briefly giving thought to changing out of your sleepwear, but decided there was no point this late in the day. “Down to Mars’s place, near the apiary…it’s where all the bee hives are, it’s how we get honey for the town. We won’t be there long, just gotta fix something for him real quick.”

“Yeah, sure that’s fine.” It was like she purposely tried to sound uninterested, but you could see the excitement on her face. “Wait, are the bees gonna bite me?” You just laughed and started to guide her out the door. 

It took you a bit longer than expected to fix the radio, and you were pretty sure that this would be the last repair the small device could take. Ellie didn’t seem to mind the long hours though, but that’s probably because she was bribed with cookies the second she got there. She had actually enjoyed talking to Mars once she got comfortable, asking him a billion questions about the bees in Jackson. Even daring to get closer to them once she realized they wouldn’t ‘bite’ her. 

Now the two of you were walking back into town after telling Mars you had to leave once the sun started going down. 

“So what did you think?”

Ellie was practically buzzing with excitement, probably from the dozen cookies she managed to sneak. “Pretty cool, not gonna lie, I didn’t even know that bees are responsible for like all of this.”

“Didn’t bother to teach you that in FEDRA school, huh?” You had never been in one of the established QZs and were surprised at the conditions she described. Most of the people who came from a QZ in Jackson didn’t like to talk about their time there, so your knowledge was limited.

“They didn’t teach us shit.” She said matter-of-factly, and you were pretty sure you said the same thing about school at one point in your life. 

“Well, come on, let’s get you back home before Joel tears down the town looking for you.”

The two of you had almost reached your house and stopped when you saw an approaching figure coming up the pathway. Ellie clocked who it was before you did and called out, “what are you doing here Joel?”

He slowed his stride and waited by the porch for us to meet him. “Came by to pick you up, where you two coming from?” 

“I had a friend come by for a favor, so I brought Ellie with me, showed her around the apiary.” Joel Miller didn’t look too happy about that, well, he hasn’t looked too happy anytime you’ve met him, but that’s beside the point. You worried that you might have made a big mistake by taking her somewhere that he didn’t know about. 

At least you’ve got Ellie to alleviate the tension. “Did you know bees make everything grow using their butts?” 

You saw Ellie smirk at Joel like she was purposefully trying to make him crack. “You don’t say.” He was trying to hold back a laugh, and you thought, maybe he still doesn't think he can yet.

Maybe there was a chance you could apologize for kinda ‘kidnapping’ his daughter. Even though you couldn’t understand why the trip might have upset him, he did give permission for her to come over after all. Regardless, you’d rather stay on Joel Miller’s good side, “hey, I know Ellie hasn’t, but have you had dinner yet Joel?”

He opened his mouth to respond before Ellie chimed in, “he hasn’t, he’d forget to breathe if I didn’t remind him.” She looked so mischievous, like she was saying, ‘yes, look how well I know him, look how I embarrass him.’

Joel didn’t even bother to answer your question after that, “well, in that case, I’ve got some soup I was gonna heat up if you guys are hungry, save you a trip to the mess hall.”

“That’d be great, right Joel?” She directed the question at him, but he knew that he really had no say in this situation, so he gave her a tilt of his head in agreement. 

The three of you made your way up the steps to your house after you opened the door to let them in. You went straight for the kitchen, kicking your boots off along the way. “Y’all make yourself at home, I’m gonna put the soup on real quick.” Ellie ran off to the living room, picking up the blanket and pillows off the floor before falling onto the couch.

After you grabbed the pot of soup out of the fridge and set it on the stove, you turned back around and saw Joel still hovering by the now closed door. Why does he look nervous? I should be the nervous one. You couldn’t help but wonder if this was the first time he had been invited over to someone’s home since coming here, but that couldn’t be right, not since he had Tommy and Maria. “Do you uh…shoes off or on?” He managed to get out at some point.

Now he was just staring down at yours and Ellie’s shoes like they would answer for him. Looking at his mud-caked boots, you immediately wanted to say off but thought better of it. “You can leave ‘em on if it’s more comfortable. I’ve gotta clean up tomorrow anyway, so don’t worry about it.” 

While he started walking towards the living room, you heard distant shuffling in the spare room and saw that your other guest was no longer sitting on the couch. When did she even get up? “Ellie, are you rifling through my comics back there?”

“...no!” 

“She hasn’t been giving you too much trouble, has she?” God, he really is a dad.

You turned to look at him while one arm continuously stirred the pot simmering on the stove. “No, not at all, she’s been great, we were just hanging out here before Mars came by, but yeah, no, she’s no trouble, she’s a really great kid Joel.” 

He pointed down to the crate of vinyls, similar to Ellie this morning. “You’ve got an impressive collection here.”

Grabbing the remaining loaf of bread from the fridge, you sliced it and threw the pieces along with a small pad of butter in the pan that you had used to cook breakfast.  “Thanks, you know it’s funny, before all of this I barely even had a fourth of what I do now.”

“Yeah, I imagine they’re less expensive now.” Not entirely true, the trips it took to get them cost you a fair share of exhaustion and sleepless nights. Still, it ended up being worth it in the end. 

You tacked on, “less expensive, but absolutely priceless.” He was still staring at the crate despite the rapport between you two. Wondering when the last time he had the chance to listen to a record was, you decided that he deserved the opportunity since Ellie had listened to nearly ten today.  You thought about what you knew of him, older than Tommy, grew up in Texas, and plays a little guitar. Surely there’s something in your collection for him. 

Leaving the bread alone for a minute, you walked over to where he was standing and dragged the records in front of you. You tried not to think about how, for some stupid reason, being next to him like this felt…nice. “Okay, hold on lemme see,” you spoke to yourself while sifting through the many albums. “Here it is,” holding out your find for him to grab the music, you stood back up, “you look like a George Strait fan…would I be correct, Joel Miller?”

He looked at the record in his hands, flipping it over to the faded print on the back before handing it back to you. “Won’t hear me complainin’.” 

I’ll take that as a victory, you thought while swapping out the selection on the record player, turning the volume knob down just a touch.“I’ll keep the volume a bit low so Ellie doesn’t complain about our ‘old people music’.” It was almost like you could see a fraction of a smile on his face, but you must have been imagining things because when you blinked, it was gone. 

You left him and the record in peace while you went back into the kitchen, hurriedly moving the bread that was a minute away from being burned off the unit. “Would’ve never pictured you as a George Strait fan.” He must not have seen your panic from where he was posted, which worked in your favor. Better for him to not witness your lackluster culinary prowess on the first meal after all, not that it mattered what he thought of you, you reminded yourself. It was more for Ellie’s sake, couldn’t serve the girl burnt bread after all.  

“Honestly, I’ve never met a genre I couldn’t find something to like in.” It’s true, music is music, why limit yourself to one specific part of it? Do you think I’d be as successful with this store if I didn’t give something new a try? Sol's words echoed in your mind. But his voice wasn’t what you wanted to hear right now. “Do you want something to drink?”

He just grunted, stuck staring at the spinning tracks like they would stop at any moment if he looked away.

“Well, watcha in the mood for? I’ve got water, tea, lemonade, coffee-”

“You’ve got coffee?” Oh that certainly got his attention. It was like someone had activated a secret code inside him somewhere. Your feet brought you over to the cabinet that held the airtight jar of pre-ground coffee you had made yesterday for a few trades. 

It was almost methodical now, the way you prepared the moka pot, like you had been doing it for years. You had never even touched one of these before the world fell apart, relying on the leftovers in the coffee pot that was always left plugged in back home. “Yeah, but don’t go sharing that with the rest of the town, I don’t need them knowing how much I’ve been hoarding.”

He seemed to be drawn in by the sound of the grounds being spooned into the filter. You didn’t think he would voluntarily get this close to anyone but Ellie, seems like it must be the caffeine's siren call. “Where the hell did you get coffee?”

“Eugene and I found an abandoned Denny’s one day, made off with about ten bags of beans.” You remember the way you and Eugene had torn into one of the bags to make sure you weren’t dreaming. The smell wasn’t as potent as you thought it was going to be, but it still brought tears to your eyes that day. 

His eyes expressed his surprise and respect. If he had a find like that back in Boston, it probably would have set him up rather nicely. “How much you want for one?” He wasn’t entirely sure why he even bothered asking, it wasn’t like he had anything of value to trade at the moment. 

You laughed at the haggling persona he donned, like he was at a normal garage sale. “What, you still carrying cash on you?” You teased, he just shook his head knowing damn well you knew what he meant.” I’m technically down to my fifth bag since Eugene took two, so I can’t give you a full one, but I’m more than willing to make a trade for some.”

His arms crossed in front of him as he leaned against the counter, “name your price.” He was determined to not leave here without it, and it was the first time you noticed just how broad this man was. Especially when his flannel stretched over his arms and chest. No, no, no, absolutely not. 

You went back to stirring the soup as an excuse to drag your eyes away from him. “No talking shop at dinner Mr Miller, but we’ll discuss the terms later.” He seemed unwilling to put a pause on his negotiating, but just offered another grunt. “Ellie, you want something to drink?” You called out over your shoulder. 

There was no response, but you heard her start to walk back into the kitchen, pausing at the entryway and taking a deep breath in through her nose. “Holy shit that smells so good,” there was no point in fighting the smile that crept onto your lips at her words. It did smell good, but then again, neither of you had really eaten since breakfast, and the cookies from Mars definitely didn’t count.

You went to the fridge to pour her something and noticed the odd look she gave Joel in passing. It was like there was a silent conversation happening between the two of them, but for the life of you, you couldn’t understand it. “It’s nothing fancy, but it gets the job done. Here you go.” You said while handing her a glass of lemonade after closing the refrigerator door. 

She stared at the liquid in the glass like it was going to bite back at her, “this isn’t more of your ‘juice’, is it?” Why the fuck would she say that in front of Joel it’s supposed to be our secret.

You shook your head at her while walking over to the cabinets to get three bowls down. They were all mismatched, but luckily didn’t contain any cracks, so they worked well enough. “No you little shit, it’s just lemonade.”

“Then why does it look like that?” She asked while holding the glass up to the light as if it would expose whatever she was looking for. 

“Cause it’s got blackberries in it.” Blackberries, honey, and a twenty-year-old lemonade packet, but it still tasted just as good. She shrugged her shoulders as if to say ‘oh, okay,’ before draining half the glass in one go. Her hand stretched out to offer some to Joel ‘dude, you gotta try this,’ but he just shook his head at her, probably thinking of nothing but the coffee that was almost finished. Seeing that he had no interest in her drink, she walked over to the stove to peer down into the pot that had now started to bubble. 

“So what’s in the soup?”

“We got beef, potatoes, cabbage, tomatoes, some green beans, and carrots.” You responded to her while taking the glass from her hand and refilling it so she would have a full glass for dinner. When you went to hand it back to her, you saw that she was seconds away from sticking a finger into the steaming mixture. 

You were about to say something before Joel stepped in and gently swatted her hand away from the food. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, it’s hot Ellie.”

She shrugged like it wasn’t that big of a deal, “it would have been fine.”

“You would’ve burned your finger, you crazy child.” You said while finally handing her the glass back, hoping it would deter her from sticking her hands into any more dangerously hot substances. Stirring the soup one more time, you decided it was good to go, “should be heated up enough, y’all go ahead and take a seat.” Your dining table was small, shoved against the wall in the kitchen. It realistically should only seat two people, but it can squeeze in another person just fine.

Joel and Ellie went to take a seat at the table beside one another, you saw the way Joel paused when the chair creaked under his large frame. The chairs were old and needed some maintenance, but most of the time, you’re eating by yourself on the couch, so they didn’t exactly take priority. The only thing you could hope for is that the chair wouldn’t choose tonight to break beneath him. You ladled the soup into each of the bowls, trying to get more meat and vegetables than broth in their dishes before placing a piece of bread on the side.

Silently, you hoped that they would dig in once you set the bowls down in front of them so they wouldn’t notice how eager you were to see their reactions. Cooking had been something that your mom taught you, and later became a decent way for you to contribute on the days that she was too tired to make something. You kept waiting for the sound of their spoons being lifted while you poured Joel and yourself a cup of coffee, but it never came. However, you did hear Ellie regale Joel with more of the bee facts she had learned since he was being held hostage at your table. He seemed to get a kick out of the fact that bees apparently danced to communicate with one another. 

“Here, figured you take it black, so if you tell me you’d like some sugar, I’m gonna be surprised.” You said while handing him a cup of the steaming liquid before taking a seat at the other end of the short table. The way he held the cup made it seem like it was more precious than gold, which you suppose in this age it might as well be. 

He brought the coffee to his lips, inhaling the scent, a satisfied groan trapped in the back of his throat at the first burning sip. “Nah, this is fine.” 

You set your own cup aside to let it cool off, not willing to scorch your tongue as he had been. Ellie started to eat the moment you sat down, well, ‘eat’ was putting it lightly, it was more like watching a vacuum at work. Picking up a spoonful, you were brought back to the weeks when this would be the cheapest thing you could afford to make, and somehow it always tasted better the next day. After the first bite, you realized you were forgetting one more thing and went to the fridge to grab it. You walked back to the table with a small glass bottle in your hand, failing to notice the surprised look Joel was giving you as you poured a few drops of the reddish-orange liquid into your soup. “Now how the hell did you get a bottle of Texas Pete?”

You looked between him and the faded label on the bottle. “Oh no, this isn’t the actual stuff, more like a bastardized version. Smithy has been growing a few pepper plants, so he’s been experimenting. You want some?” The bottle was held out by your hand in the middle of the table, waiting for him to reach out and take it. 

He silently took the bottle from you, and you tried again not to think about just how nice his hands admittedly are. There was a moment where he placed a small drop on his spoon before bringing it up to his lips, and now you were senselessly staring at his mouth. You had never really cared for facial hair in your youth, it was irritating and scratchy when it rubbed against you. Then again, none of those guys had a beard quite as nice as his. Brushing away the stupid distraction like an errant cobweb in your mind, you thought, this man is nothing but trouble for me. Little did you know, at some point in the night, he had thought something similar about you. 

Joel added about the same amount to his bowl as you did before putting it back in the middle of the table. “Can I try it?” Ellie asked, reaching for it as soon as he put it down, but he stopped her with a gentle hand.

His tone was deadly serious with his next question, “you want your stomach hatin’ you later?”

She seemed to genuinely contemplate it, “uhm…yes?”

You and Joel looked at one another with raised brows, both of you knowing that it was going to be too spicy for her, especially if she had never had hot sauce before in her life. Joel unscrewed the cap on the bottle before putting a small drop on her waiting spoon, “here just a little bit to try okay, shit’s hotter than you think it is.”

She just eagerly nodded her head before shoving the spoon in her mouth, looking between you two as if to say, ‘see it’s not so bad.’ Honestly, you thought she might have been fine until the spice hit the back of her throat and she started coughing. This act was the one that finally cracked Joel, even if he only let out a short laugh, over before it even started, but it was still a laugh. 

You scooted Ellie’s glass of lemonade towards her, gently patting her on the back while she got through her fit. Of course, she tried to play it off, saying ‘yeah, it wasn’t that hot,’ even after she had finished the rest of her drink. 

With the time you had spent on your own, you thought the silence at the table wouldn’t bother you as much as it did. When the bowls were clean and the coffee was gone, something inside of you just felt off. Maybe it was all of the dinners at Eugene’s, the easy conversations, there was no need to fill a silent void. But here, for some reason, you were dying to.

“Y’all got room for dessert?” Ellie’s head rolled forward from where it was leaning over the back of the chair. A far cry from the girl who looked ready to pass out after two full bowls of soup.

“There’s dessert?” You thought about teasing her, asking her, ‘what, you didn’t get enough sweets today?’ but even you knew that there was always room for something sweet.

Standing from your chair, you went to pull out the tupperware container from the fridge. “Don’t get too excited, it’s just cookies,” you said while popping off the lid. The peanut butter cookies were, to put it bluntly, hideous to look at, but they didn’t require an oven or hard work, just a few spare electrical parts for ingredients.

Her hand reached out and plucked two off the top, not caring about what they looked like. “Holy shit these are even better than the ones Mars had…don’t tell him I said that.” 

You made the motion of zipping your lips, “secrets safe with me.” Joel had made no move to take one of the cookies, so you held out the container a bit closer to him. Once again, there was a hesitancy about him, and you just couldn’t understand why it stemmed from something as simple as cookies. Finally, he reached for one, and you were unable to hear the low ‘thanks’ he gave you over the sound of him picking up the treat. 

The cookies were set on the table in case either one of them wanted another. “Here, y’all take as many as you want.” You turned away from the table to walk towards the spare room, “I’ll be right back, there’s some stuff I wanna send home with you Ellie.”

“Really?” She was bouncing in her seat as she scarfed down another cookie.

“Yeah, now you stay there, alright, no peeking.” Her head nodded while her hand reached for one more sweet. You did not envy Joel for the sugar crash that he was going to have to deal with. Once you walked into the room, you shut the door behind you, just in case they decided to talk while you were gone, or if Ellie decided to be sneaky. 

Grabbing one of the bags that hung off the closet door knob you went over to the comic tote and set aside the one she had picked up earlier. You tried to make sure she had a variety of superheroes to choose from and included a few of the cooler-looking action figures from the collection on your shelves. Once she and Joel were able to get their own way to listen, you would start sending her home with a few albums, but for now, you’ve got a few books that she’d probably enjoy. 

You had a decent selection of adult and children's books, you liked to keep them around for trades in the library, or just in case any of the moms in town needed something for their kids. You had a pretty decent idea of what she would like music-wise wise but you were kind of lost when it came to literature. Eventually, you decided on a few Magic Tree House books and a couple mysteries, she’d probably like trying to solve them before the end. 

With the last few items in your hand, you carefully placed them in the bag before zipping it up and heading back out to the kitchen. Ellie eyed the large bag you had slung over your shoulders before handing it to her. 

She immediately placed it on the table and yanked the zipper down, apparently, she was unable to wait until she got home. “Woah, I can keep these?” She asked while holding up the comic she had begun to read earlier and a Raphael action figure.

You pointed to the novels on the side, “well, I do want the books back when you’re finished since I lend those out a lot, but yeah, everything else is yours.”

“Even the comics?” It was like she couldn’t believe that any of this was actually hers to take, and quite frankly, it broke your heart a little bit. 

“Yeah, I’ve read those plenty of times, so go nuts. I’m planning on picking up a few more next time I go out anyway.” Something passed over Joel’s face at the mention of you leaving the gates at some point, but just like his brief smiles, it was gone before you could understand it. Your gaze found the E.T. poster in your living room, the one she had stared at longer than any others. “Gimme just one more sec, okay,” you said while walking over to the poster, carefully pulling out each thumbtack until the last one remained. Once it was off the wall, you rolled it up before walking back over to her, holding out your hand for her to take it.

“Dude, are you serious?” There was so much caution in the way she held the poster, afraid of ripping it more than it already was. 

You crossed your arms, hoping to convey that it wasn’t a big deal, even though happiness and warmth were abundant inside your chest. The fact that something so small could light her up enough to fill the room, well, it sure was something. “I saw how much you liked it this morning, and I figured you’d hate to look at blank walls every day, so yeah. Think of it like the first of many.” 

It looked like she didn’t know what to say at first, and that was fine, as long as she was happy. “This is awesome Star, thanks.” Suddenly, her arms were wrapped around your middle, and you felt like you had briefly turned to stone. Fuck, when was the last time someone had hugged you like this. It was enough to make you blink back the emotions welling behind your eyes. Thankfully, you did in fact remember how to hug her back. It wasn’t a long hug, solid and shaky, but it was nice. 

“You’re welcome hun. I figured you’d want some stuff for your new room, help make it a bit homier.” She dropped her arms, which made you feel safe enough to retract yours. The poster was placed carefully inside the bag along with everything else she was bringing home. 

Once she zipped up the bag and threw it over her shoulder, Joel finally spoke up. “Go ahead and head on back Ellie.” She figured that was the plan since she was already pulling on her shoes, but she noticed that Joel wasn’t following her, which confused you as well. 

She asked, “why aren’t you coming,” even though her hand was already on the door knob. Her eagerness to see what else was in the bag pushed her to get home.

“Star was kind enough to feed us, so I’m gonna help her clean up.” That kind of makes sense, but why isn’t he having Ellie help?

“Okayyy…” she dragged out the word, looking between you two as if there was some big secret being hidden. Was there? You honestly couldn’t tell. Why the hell is Joel offering to stay? “Can I come by again tomorrow?” 

Joel tried to sway her away from the idea, “I’m sure she’s got stuff to do Ellie.” You did, but you honestly didn’t mind another visit from her. 

“It’s alright really, I’m not gonna be at the house tomorrow cause I’ve got work with Mars and then I’m supposed to help out at the stables, but you’re welcome to tag along if you’d like.” Ellie would probably love being able to visit the animals, so it wasn’t a bad idea for her to join. 

She gave her response before you were able to get out the rest of your sentence, “that’s fine with me.” Then she left as if the person who had come to pick her up wasn’t still here.

Why the hell am I alone in my house with Joel Miller, you asked yourself. 

Deciding not to dwell on the fact that this man, who was practically a stranger to you, chose to stay behind and help, you started clearing away the dishes on the table. However, unsurprisingly, he was just standing there. “So…are you actually here to help me, or are you just gonna shake me down and steal all my beans?”

“Hand me the damn bowl.” The way he said it wasn’t harsh by any means, but it did make you smile, and hand over the stack of bowls in your hand. 

Once he placed the dishes in the sink, you stopped him before he could reach for the soap. “You don’t have to worry about the dishes, honestly, if you just wanna rinse them off I was planning on doing them tomorrow anyway.” He did as you asked, silently, and you were thankful that there were still a few tracks left on the album in the living room. 

His voice cut through the music after the last dish had been set aside. “I uhm, I wanted to say thanks…for spending the day with Ellie, for being kind to her, for everything else too.” The way he ground out the words was sort of endearing, as if he wasn’t sure if he had found the right thing to say.

“Why did it look like you were fighting with that gratitude?” He looked ready to take back every word he had just said, but you cut him off before he could. “Hey, it’s really no problem, like I said, she’s a great kid, it’s been nice spending time with her. I don’t know, she reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age…it’s nice being able to make her smile, feels like I’m doing something right.” 

He nodded his head while drying off his hands with the dish towel hanging on the stove. It was as if he understood exactly what you meant, he was probably the only other person who would understand. “Now about the coffee…”

You pointed an accusatory finger at him, “I knew that was the real reason you stayed behind.”

“What do you want for it?” Oh, all business now is he?

Leaning against the counter, head cocked in contemplation, you said, “let me think on that for a minute…” You wondered what he would do if you said ‘no chance, find your coffee elsewhere’, it would be in jest of course. Especially since you already decided that he would get some regardless of whether he could make a decent trade or not. You doubted that in the short time the two of them had been here that they had made any connections for goods. Then the thought struck you like a bolt of lightning, “wait, I got it. Ellie’s birthday is in a couple of months, right?”

He actually looked horrified at the question, “it is?” Oh, he didn’t know…

You tried to think of what to say so he wouldn’t feel like the worst father of the year. Maybe he just didn't ask, or maybe Ellie never bothered to tell him when they were out there together. “Don’t feel bad Joel, she only told me cause we were talking about a concert I went to for mine one year.” He still didn’t seem convinced that he wasn’t a piece of shit for not knowing. “But that’s beside the point, hold on, stay here for a sec, I’ll be right back.” God, how many times have you said that tonight? 

Knowing exactly what you were looking for, you went into your room and grabbed one of the guitar cases that were underneath your bed before heading back out. Once you reached Joel you stood beside him to set the case on top of the counter, flipped the latches, and lifted the lid to reveal the instrument inside. The guitar was weathered but still in decent condition, it needed new strings and a lot of love, but it looked better than the ones that had been left on the walls beside it to rot. 

Joel let out a low whistle beside you as he inspected it, his hands coming up to run along the length of the neck, god, his hands. 

“Beautiful, isn’t she?”

He nodded, letting out a soft “yeah…” maybe one day he’ll feel fine enough to pick up one for himself again. 

“Well, it’s been sitting under my bed for over a year now, and I don’t know what to do with it. So how about this? You take it, fix it up for Ellie and give it to her for her birthday and we’ll call it even.” It was definitely one of your better ideas, and you hoped that he agreed. 

His hand left the guitar, “as a gift from you?”

You turned away from him to grab the tin of coffee grounds out of the cabinet, “no, not from me, from you, you’d be the one fixing it after all.”

Joel really couldn’t understand you, your kindness, just everything about you, he couldn’t understand it, and it frustrated him. “Why? Doesn’t seem like you’re getting much out of it.”

Since arriving in Jackson, you’ve done many things with little gain. It used to bother the selfish side of you, but now, sometimes it was enough for the reward to be the little glimpses of warmth, like the ones you’ve felt throughout the day. “Ellie wants to learn, and I trust the kid, but I’d still rather not have to use mine to help her if I don’t have to.” You were still selfish when it came to certain things.

“That’s understandable.”

You poured the rest of the coffee from the moka into your thermos and set it beside the guitar case along with the tin. “So what do you say, do we have a deal?” This part usually involves a handshake, but you wouldn’t dare risk that since his hands have some mystical power over you for some reason. 

“Deal,” he said while closing the guitar case and picking it up, he nodded at the tin and thermos, “you sure?”

You nodded, pushing the items even closer to him.“Yeah, I try not to drink too much before bed, so it’ll just go to waste if you don’t take it. Just bring my thermos back before next week and we won’t have any problems.” The last sentence was said with all the mock authority of a warden, which Joel found sort of amusing. 

He grabbed the spoils of his one-sided trade in one hand and the guitar in the other. “Understood ma’am.” The term ma’am caught you off guard while you were in the process of opening the front door for him. You had always hated being called that. Growing up in the south, it was normal to hear it, hell, it was all you had been called when you first started working. Maybe it was all the Texan charm he was hiding away, but you didn’t entirely hate the way it sounded coming from him. 

“And don’t call me ma’am.” You said once he stepped outside, there wasn’t any animosity in your words, more teasing than anything else. 

The asshole waited until he was on the last step to turn around and say, “yes ma’am.”

You were afraid of what might come out of your mouth if you responded, possibly even more afraid that nothing would come out, so you just shook your head at him and closed the door. The house was quiet, the record was still spinning, and there it was again, loneliness, creeping back into your home after it had been gone all day. 

Everything felt too quiet now.

A/N: That's a wrap on chapter two! Hope you all liked it! Just a reminder that this story is also over on AO3 if you'd rather read it through there. LINK. See y'all next time, happy reading! - Lee <3 Chapter Playlist: The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (Full Album)- David Bowie Bad Reputation (Full Album) - Joan Jett & the Blackhearts The Seeds of Love (Full Album) - Tears For Fears Violator (Full Album) - Depeche Mode Bat Out Of Hell (Full Album) - Meat Loaf Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind (Full Album) - George Strait

[leeannsparks]

Jackson's Own Rockstar

Chapter 2 Here

Synopsis: Let it be known that on September 26th, 2003 your life almost ended along with the world because you had a pair of fucking headphones on at work. Absolutely ridiculous looking back on it, but god if you don’t miss that record store sometimes. It’s like you can almost see the way it was before monsters started crashing through the windows and your boss dragged you into the back room. Now, twenty years later, you’ve finally found a little bit of home to grow your peace in, but when gruffness and kindness walk through the gates of Jackson, that peace starts to grow on a shakier foundation.

Chapter One: Nothing Else Matters

You know the shittiest thing about the cordyceps outbreak? You actually loved mushrooms before all of this. Paired on a greasy, cheesy slice of pizza with bacon, or the holistic healing dried ones that you would take before lifting off to another plane of existence. Now, you couldn’t even look at a patch of fungal growth on a tree without prickles of fear slowly tap dancing up your spine. 

There were a lot of things you couldn’t look at without that fear, if you’re being honest. 

But for now, at least, the dissonant clinking of the bottles that you brought to the back of the Tipsy Bison helps keep it at bay.

“Hey Seth, I’ve just got one more case and then it should be all good to go.” You called out from the back room before making your way out front again.

Seth glanced over his shoulder towards you, he was busy measuring out the decent amount of alcohol into different bottles so that the town wouldn’t drink him dry tonight. “Go ahead and head on out now, you’ve been here since this morning.” 

You stopped by the bar, leaning on the counter, grateful for the relief it brought to your aching back.  “Aww, what, you don’t want me around anymore Seth?” 

His hand, which held up a small notebook and pencil, tried to wave you away. “Exactly, getting sick of seeing your face all the time.” He was trying to hide a smile, you could tell. 

Rapping your knuckles on the dented wooden counter, you stood up straight again. “I’ll remember that the next time you want some honey for your biscuits, no more special treatment from me asshole.” Seth was a good guy, a gruff old hard ass but a good guy. 

“You’ve been working too damn much rockstar, want you to actually sound somewhat decent when you sing my favorite song tonight.” 

He would get his song, but you couldn’t help but mess with him just a bit. “Oh, and who said I’d be singing your favorite, huh?  I’ve got a lot of special requests for tonight.” Seth never really asks for much from you outside of work, so if he wants his ‘Blue, Bayou’, well, who are you to say no? 

You watched as he leaned down and pulled out a mason jar from underneath the bar. The color inside a deep, rich purple that shone when it caught the few rays of sun peeking in. ‘Star’s Special Juice’ was written in fading ink on the side. A homemade mead that you had asked/begged him to make for you using some honey from the apiary on the edge of town and blackberries. He gently shook the jar as if to say, ‘you want some of this, don’t you?’

One of your hands rested over your heart in mock indignation. “You really gonna hold out on my special juice Seth? Especially since I provided all the ingredients for it?”

He glanced at the jar with a small tilt at the corner of his mouth. “Shit can’t be called juice and you know it.”

Your hands raised in false compliance, “alright, alright, I’ll play it for you, but…” you pointed a finger at him. “I expect a jar ready for me to take home at the end of the night.”

Pretending to think it over, he finally gave you a nod of agreement. “Deal, now get on outta here.” 

Your hands lowered in agreement, coming to rest in the pockets of your pants before taking a few steps back and turning out of the Tipsy Bison. The air always smelled a bit sweeter after working in the back room, no more dust clogging up your lungs. The Wyoming temperature was still chilly despite Spring coming around, but the sun was kind enough to help with that. 

“You slackin’ off at work Star?” A voice called out from your left. 

Tommy Miller, resident cowboy, apple of Jackson’s eye, doting husband and occasional pain in your ass. “Oh honey, if anyone’s slackin’ it’s you.” You called back to him, already beginning your journey to the other side of town. 

“Tell Mars I said hi,” you waved over your shoulder with a quick ‘will do’. “You gonna play something for me tonight?” He called out to your retreating form. 

Looking back at him, you noticed a new face walking up a few feet from a stack of lumber. He was tall, taller than Tommy, but then again, most people are taller than you anyway. His gaze was lowered, hands fiddling with a pair of gloves, and you noticed the resemblance between the two men. Could this be the other infamous Miller, you thought? 

You had heard about his brother's visit a couple months back, riding into town with a kid in tow. But they had barely stayed for a week before heading out again, it definitely left the town talking though. 

His face finally tilted up, but immediately turned to the side as if he could avoid the conversation his brother was having that way. You thought there must be something in the Miller genes for those two men to be as handsome as they are. Soft curls, gorgeous face, but a terrible scowl, as if every bit of happiness had been drained out of him. You can’t blame him though, you remember the years that passed without so much as a smile very well. Feeling as though you didn’t even have the freedom to laugh again till you settled here. Give it time Miller, maybe you’ll be able to crack a smile too. 

Shoulders shrugging in a what are you gonna do gesture, you turned back to keep walking, speaking at a volume that he could still hear. “You’re at the bottom of the list now Tommy. Shoulda talked to me sooner, like Maria did.”

“Since when does she get special treatment, huh?” He playfully called back, but you just sent him another wave in response, leaving the two brothers behind. 

“Who was that?” Joel asked, finally pulling on the gloves that he had been fiddling with.

Tommy turned to lead them both over to the stables. “Oh, that’s just Star, you’ll probably see her around. Oh speaking of which, I meant to let y’all know there’s gonna be a little music night at the Byson if you wanna stop by. It’s always a fun time, plus it might do you some good to start getting to know the town.” He slapped a hand over his brother’s shoulder, jostling him a bit.

Joel shrugged the hand off, nudging him back. “Is that not what the tours are for?”

The younger Miller already knew that it was going to be a fight to get his brother out of the house. “Now come on, you actually might enjoy it, plus it might be good for Ellie you know. They play really good music, especially Star, it can be something you two can bond over. Plus, use it as an excuse to have a drink with your brother.”

“She’s probably not gonna want to go Tommy. Don’t think she’s all that into country music anyway. ” He sure as hell didn’t want to go either, but sometimes it was just easier to use Ellie as an excuse. 

Tommy used to never have to try this hard to drag his brother out for a drink, but that was a different brother back then. “Well yeah, she definitely won’t if you don’t even seem interested. But don’t worry about that, there’s a good variety, and some of the teens come around so it might help Ellie meet them, make some friends her own age.” 

The two of them pushed open the doors to the stables, one of the beams had started to rot from age, and he told Tommy that he’d help him out. He was eager to find a way out of the conversation but he also hated how right his brother could be, like a damn broken clock. The thing is that he worried about Ellie now even more than he did the months they travelled together. 

He blames himself, of course he fucking does, there was almost nothing left of the girl that tried anything to get a smile from him. She slept until noon, which he didn’t think anything of at first; teenagers like to sleep in, he thought. But after the first week in Jackson, he started to see that no matter how much sleep she got, she was just tired. She gave barely there smiles at dinner and never bothered to leave their house. He thought for sure she would have been excited to explore the town, be as loud as she wanted, actually talk to new people, but no. And if he’s being honest with himself, he didn’t have a clue, no plan for what he could do, what he should do. He knew he’d failed her so many times on that journey together, and it’s just something he continues to do. 

But how the hell does he tell Tommy all of that?

He doesn’t, so he just goes where he’s needed, and hopes that he can be there for Ellie when she needs him too. 

A few hours later, after the beam has been repaired, he tells his brother that he’s going to grab something from the mess hall and head home. 

Tommy stops him again before he leaves, trying to plead his case one more time. “Just talk to her about it Joel, she’s gotta come out of the house at some point.” As much he hated it, the words kept repeating over and over again, like a constant reminder that he was failing. 

The steps that led to his house still felt like strangers beneath his feet. He walked in and set down the sandwiches he had picked up on the kitchen counter. Still felt odd to even think about taking off his own boots. There’s no reason he should have to rush out of the house, but leaving them behind was a habit he couldn’t shake yet. 

“Hey kiddo, brought back some grub from the mess hall,” he called out to the top of the stairs. There was no response, and it left a gnawing fear in his chest as his own voice echoed in the quiet house. 

He grabbed the two sandwiches again and started to walk up the steps, each one creaking under the pressure. After the more important repairs were done in Jackson, he needed to talk to Tommy about getting some lumber for his own renovations. He didn’t want Ellie to take a wrong step and break through the floor. 

He raised his fist, once, twice before finally knocking on the door, “Ellie?” 

There was still no response, but he heard faint shuffling within the room that calmed the frantic thumping in his chest. He turned the door knob, knowing that he should wait until she said something but needing to make sure she’s okay. 

And she was, she was curled into the corner where her bed met the wall, window open, breeze blowing away the loose strands of hair that fell around her face. Her knees were up to her chest, an open notebook in her lap and a pencil laden with bite marks between her fingers. 

She didn’t look up at him when he walked in, just kept on drawing, the scratching of the pencil breaking apart the silence. “Didn’t say you could come in,” she said, it wasn’t meant to be hateful or rude, just the best teasing she could do right now.

“Didn’t say I couldn’t either,” he walked over to her bed and held out the sandwich as a peace offering. She took it with a small thanks, setting aside her now closed notebook so she could unwrap the foil. Joel sat down at the end of the bed, as close to edge as he could get, trying to give her as much space as possible. His own sandwich was held in hands, they were shaking slightly as he unwrapped it, guess this technically counts as us having dinner together, he thought. 

“How's uh, how’s your drawing coming along,” he asked after his first bite. 

Her cheeks were puffed out like a chipmunk as she scarfed down the sandwich. Did she not eat anything at all today? “S’fine, just doodles,” and she left it at that, didn’t elaborate or ask anything in return. Should I just leave her be, he asked himself. But no, he couldn’t do that.

It might do you both some good. 

It was like Tommy was right there saying those words to him again. He hated when his brother was right, but he hated seeing Ellie in this state more. Looking over at the clock he saw that it was almost six thirty and remembered Tommy saying that the event started at six, he and Ellie could still make it.

After finishing the last bite of his sandwich he stood up and brushed the crumbs away. “Come on and get dressed, we’re going out.”

She looked confused, rightfully so, “out, out where…outside the walls?” The question made him pause because why the hell did she sound excited about that possibility?

“No not outside the walls now come on, I expect you downstairs and ready in fifteen minutes.” He didn’t give her a chance to argue before walking out of her bedroom. This’ll do us some good, he tried to convince himself.

Quarter of an hour later both of them were outside and heading towards the front of Jackson. Easy to tell they were heading in the right direction from the cacophony of sounds, some folks were already stumbling about the streets, eager for normalcy, but above it all there was music. He noticed Ellie’s head perk up at the noise, hoping that Tommy wasn’t lying about them not just playing country music, for her sake. 

“So you dragged me out of the house for a bar that I can’t even drink in?” She asked once he turned them towards the direction of the Tipsy Bison. 

It got a small laugh out of him, more like a huff than anything else. “I dragged you here cause Tommy promised good music,” he tried to reason, hoping that Ellie wouldn’t immediately turn around and go back home.

“And you want me to trust Tommy’s music taste?” He couldn’t help the small smile that came from her joking with him again

“Well he got it from me, so I better not hear you shitting on it,” he teased back. 

“Cool, so I gotta sit through a night of old man music…greeaaatttt.” She dragged out the last word, looking around, probably plotting a quick escape. 

“Alright smartass, one hour, if you don’t like it we head home,” home, he thinks, that’s got to be the first time he’s actually called it that since they got here.

“Okay fine…can I have my first beer then?”

The no was out of mouth, firm and resolute before he opened the door to the bar. To say he instantly regretted his decision was an understatement. The bar was the busiest he’s ever seen it as if all of Jackson had tried to cram themselves inside. His eyes immediately darted to Ellie and saw that she felt as out of place as he did.

“You alright?”

Her feet were shuffling side to side and her hands clenched like she was trying to fight off her own anxiety. “Yeah…just an hour right?” 

He gave her a firm nod before hearing his name called from across the room, he saw Tommy and Maria at one of the standing tables. His brother had pulled up a chair for his wife who had one hand resting on her stomach and the other clutching the glass of water on the table in front of her. 

“Didn’t think you two were gonna show up, glad you made it,” his brother brought him in for a hug and sent a quick nod at Ellie. Good thing he knew not to try that shit with her, the girl would probably punch him if he went in for one. “How you hangin’ in there Ellie?”

“Fine, is this the only shit they’re gonna play tonight?” She asked while pointing at the small band on stage. He opened his mouth to remark about her language but he stopped himself when he saw the smile she had on her face. Whether she was playing it up for Tommy or not, it was nice to see her smile again. 

“I’m sure they’ll play something you like at some point, you want a drink brother?” Joel found himself fiercely nodding, unsure if he could even stay the full hour he had bartered without some help. Tommy left the table to head towards the bar, he turned towards Maria, offering her a greeting. However, she didn’t look all too pleased at being left with him, the two of them still had a long way to go apparently. The tension had him second guessing if he’d even be welcome to a seat at their table, but it still didn’t stop him from dragging over two stools.

He felt a tug at the sleeve of his flannel and turned to see Ellie looking over at the bar. “Woah Joel who’s that?”

He tried to follow her line of sight but couldn’t tell which person she was talking about, “who?”

“The chick talking to Tommy,” she clarified. He looked for his brother and saw him chatting with you, the woman from this morning. Earlier he had only caught a glimpse of you as you were walking away but now he could see you fully. He didn’t think women like you even existed anymore. You looked like you could have been one of the girls he had a poster of on his wall in his youth, one that Tommy would have tried to steal and end up ripping. 

Long shaggy hair framed around your face, layered and teased to high heaven with streaks of gray. You glittered with silver from your nose, to your ears, even down to your fingers, piercings and jewelry catching the lights above. Draped in a faded gray tank top with some indecipherable logo that had been washed away with time, it left the softness of your arms exposed, there was strength in them but still soft. The shirt was tucked into high-waisted black cargo pants with ends nestled inside beaten and broken boots. Every part of your outfit was tucked but loose to hide the curves beneath. Nearly every inch of exposed skin he could see was covered in faded ink, gray where they once used to be black. 

He felt another tug at his arm and realized he had said nothing, just stared, snap out of it, he thought. “I’m not sure, haven’t been introduced yet, think her name’s Star or something.” The name fits you, he thought before mentally shaking himself awake. There’s no way that could be your real name. 

Ellie looked at him with even more excitement, “seriously? That’s the sickest name ever.” She turned away from him again and grabbed his wrist trying to drag him along as she took a step. “Come on, we gotta go introduce ourselves.” That one move brought back a memory of Sarah trying to drag him to another store in the mall years ago. Even when he was dead on his feet he still lumbered behind her, anything to make her happy.

“Woah, whoa kiddo, why you in such a rush?” She looked at him as if he was the crazy one, like she hadn’t just been trying to pull him through the crowd. 

She gestured over to you, “Joel… did you see her…she’s like the coolest person I’ve ever seen.” Yeah he could imagine she’d never seen someone who looked like they were still stuck in the 80’s. 

She tried to drag him along again, but he kept his feet planted. “Well now hold on it looks like she’s busy right now.” 

“Yeah busy talking to Tommy, come on Joel…” she trailed off, eyes darting to you again, “no fucking way.”

“Language Ellie.” It came out like an instinct, he wasn’t even sure what she was talking about now.

Her hands started to smack at his arms and he couldn't help the huff of laughter he let out while trying to shake her off him. “Look, look she’s got a guitar dude, holy shit is she gonna play.” He looked back and saw someone from behind the bar hand her a dark guitar, the instrument covered in faded stickers and markings. 

“Yeah, Star plays at every music night just about.” Maria said from behind him, he saw that she was smiling at Ellie as well, probably just as grateful to see some excitement from the kid. 

“We gotta get a seat.” She was practically jumping in place as if she was going to miss the most important moment of her life. 

“Well we’ve already got our own table so come on,” he said while pulling out one of the stools for her. She eagerly hopped up, dancing in her seat as she kept her eyes on you at the other side. He saw you give Tommy a pat on the shoulder before heading over to the makeshift stage, putting the guitar strap over your shoulder. 

Tommy started walking back over to the table, drinks in hand, at least he had the good mind to just get Ellie a water. “What’s got you so excited huh?”

“She’s ready to see Star play,” Maria offered as an answer. He turned back to give Joel a questioning look, but he could only return a small, confused shrug.

The sound of clapping drew their attention to the stage where the people up there were now walking off, one of the men stayed behind to address the crowd. “Thanks for letting us play for y’all tonight, now everyone give it up for Jackson’s own rockstar.” 

The crowd roared again as you smiled at the man making a grand gesture towards you. You shook your head before walking up the few steps to center stage. In spite of the dozens of eyes on you, you’ve never felt so at home. This place was a lot like the first bar you ever performed in, a gig you would have never gotten if not for your mom. She had worked in Mad Dog’s rundown bar for years to take care of you so the owner had no problem letting you in once a week after you turned sixteen. 

“Now y’all know I hate it when you call me that,” you voiced out into the crowd with mock annoyance. While it might have been one of the most pretentious nicknames ever given, you couldn’t help but feel the joy and fire it gave to the twenty-five year old girl still nestled inside you. The girl who practiced in the garage everyday after school, who came up with the most ridiculous band names for a group that would never make it out of that town. 

You waited for the crowd to quiet down before carrying on. “I’ve got a few requests tonight but I was hoping to show y’all a few others I’ve been working on if that’s okay?” The crowd cheered in agreement, giving you your cue to get down to it. 

Joel couldn't remember the last time he had heard the chords that you started to pluck from those strings. Maybe it was early in the morning on a random drive to work before he knew it would be the last time he heard that song. You were good, fuck you were really good, he thought as your lips parted to sing lyrics that were somehow still imprinted on his brain after all these years. 

It’s almost like every conversation halted so that they could live in a moment of nostalgia.  

He hadn’t seen this look on Ellie’s face in a long time, not since before Salt Lake. The girl was entranced by you, eyes unblinking so she could take in every note your fingers played. Her own fingers tapped against the wood, like she could almost recreate it, if she just tried hard enough. She looked over at Joel mouthing ‘wow’ before turning her attention towards you again. He wished he could remember that feeling, hearing a song for the first time. Maybe it was the feeling that was settling in his chest right now, the first time. Maybe it was the way your hair swayed in front of you while you bobbed your head, keeping time, keeping a smile on your face that made the song feel brand new.

Even Tommy was lost in a memory for a minute before giving him a look that screamed I told you so, and fuck if that didn’t irritate him, but his suggestion brought a bit of light back to Ellie  so it was worth it. 

Your fingers smoothly travelled the neck of the guitar as you dragged the outro from the strings, letting it sit for a moment before looking out to the mostly smiling faces of Jackson. The water glass placed on the seat of a stool onstage was picked up before you began again. 

He saw a couple stand up from their seats when your next song started, which must have been one of the special requests you mentioned. Three more songs that he thought he’d never get the chance to hear again were played before you addressed the crowd.

“Alright everyone, it’s hot as hell up here so I’m gonna take a quick break,” the people of Jackson booed dramatically as you waved goodbye. Beside him Ellie immediately hopped off of her stool.

She turned to him like she had just received the most important mission, “Joel, I’ve gotta go talk to her.”

For the life of him he couldn’t understand the sudden infatuation the girl had developed for you. But if it kept that light shining a bit brighter than he was okay with it. “Well alright then, go talk to her.”

“Okay,” she said excitedly, turning to walk over to you before quickly pivoting to face Joel again. “Wait, you're not coming with me? What do I say?”

He had never seen Ellie act like this before. “Just go introduce yourself, what are you so nervous about?”

She looked at him as if he was the stupidest person on the planet for even suggesting such a thing. “Dude she’s like an actual fucking rockstar, I mean come on.

Tommy and Maria tried to hide their laughter at the girl's star-struck expression. “She’s still just a person Ellie.”

“Yeah but she’s like closer to your age isn’t she? The only old person I know how to talk to is you!”

This girl somehow finds a way to make him feel ancient every damn day. 

“Just go talk to her Ellie, Star’s real sweet, no need to be scared of her, promise.” Tommy tried to offer his own encouragement which actually helped since it made her realize that she couldn’t let them think she was scared. 

“M’not fucking scared,” she spit out before finally turning around to bulldoze her way through the crowd.

Joel sent a silent thank you Tommy’s way.

You had hopped off the stage and headed straight for the bar. “Can I have my special juice now Seth,” the man pretended to be cleaning a glass as you leaned over the counter.

“Didn’t hear my song yet,” he mumbled without laying eyes on you.

“You’ll get it after I take a break, you really gonna choose tonight to be an asshole to me?” He huffed before leaning down to grab your mason jar and sliding it in front of you along with a glass of water. You took both eagerly before letting out an exaggerated ‘thank you’, you downed the water before starting to twist off the mason jar lid. Before you could get it open though a shy, quiet voice let out a small ‘hi’ to your left. 

You turned and saw an unfamiliar young girl, shifting side to side with nerves, arms clasped behind her back like she didn’t know what to do with them. “Well hi yourself, haven’t seen you around here,” you said, putting as much friendliness and sweetness into your voice as possible so the girl would hopefully feel at ease. 

“Uh, yeah, we just got here a couple weeks ago.” You remember Maria telling you about the newcomers, one of them being Tommy’s brother, which must make this Ellie, the kid who was with him.

“Oh you must be Ellie then,” you finally took off the lid and held out your free hand to her in greeting. “Nice to finally meet you, my name’s Star.”

“Y-yeah I know,” she stammered out while shaking your hand in return. “Maria told me while we were watching you play, which uhm, you, you were awesome by the way.”

Oh my gosh, I wanna keep this girl in my pocket, you thought. “Yeah, you liked it?”

She was practically beaming at you. “Loved it, I’d never heard that first song you sang before, I mean I hadn’t heard any of them but holy shit you just…wow, like I didn’t know fingers could move like that.” Her own fingers wiggled in front of her like she was proving a point ‘see mine don’t do that.’

You couldn’t help but laugh, “well going your whole life without listening to Metallica should be a crime but I’m really glad you liked it.” 

“Was that the name of the singer?” She was so eager, like she was ready to soak up every bit of information that she could get. 

“No, that was the name of the band.”

“That’s a sick ass name.” Jeez you had said the same thing about them when you first started listening, you were probably around the same age as her then too.

“Oh, I agree, one hundred percent.” You remember being so mad at your mom for seeing them before you. 

You took a sip of your drink before setting it back down, rings clinking against the glass. Ellie’s eyes followed your movements before sticking on the mason jar.

“Can I try some?” You almost choked on the drink that you were swallowing.

You tried to give her your best authoritative stare down, but you weren’t exactly the picture of good influence now were you. “And exactly how old are you?”

“Fourteen, almost fifteen.” She said it so firmly like ‘yes I am an adult, thank you for asking.’

“And just how much trouble would I get in if I gave you a sip?”

“I mean I won’t tell if you won’t,” she said slyly, oh this girl has some spunk. 

You brought the drink up to your lips again, “hmm, well I’m only agreeing because I really don’t think you’ll like it. Besides, I had my first sip at twelve so I can’t say shit.” You brought the jar down towards your stomach where it was hidden by Ellie. She looked so excited and you couldn’t help the cheesy smile on your lips as she sneakily took the jar, quickly looking around before taking a small sip.

The disgust was immediate on her face and you couldn’t help but laugh as she handed it back. “Not for you huh?”

“Oh fuck…I mean I could learn to like it.” 

It looked like she was ready to take another sip just to prove her point, so you slid the jar farther away. “Nah I don’t think so hun…honestly I don’t even like drinking that much, that’s why I’ve had this jar for a couple months now.” You closed the lid and handed it back to Seth who put it back in its special place. “So, you a big fan of music Ellie?”

“Huge…but I mean I haven’t listened to a lot you know, just what I could get my hands on, but yeah.” 

She sounded almost embarrassed at the fact and with a bit of insight you realized that this sweet girl wanted to impress you, as if somehow your opinion actually mattered. You remember being her age trying to worm your way in with the older bleacher creatures, god you tried so hard to make yourself seem older, cooler, just so they’d let you hang out with them. 

You hated kids when you were younger despite being one at some point yourself, obviously you don’t hate them anymore but kids just felt so much more complicated. So you really can’t explain the fierce protectiveness that came with meeting this girl. Maybe your age was finally getting to you, kicking up those motherly instincts that were apparently buried somewhere in there. If this new girl wanted a friend and was looking at you to be one, then dammit you’d be the best friend she could ever ask for. 

Your head nodded in understanding at her lack of exposure, not as if there’s much access to music outside these walls. “What would you say is your favorite song then?”

She was so excited by your question. “Oooh I’ve got a few…I don’t know if you’ve heard of Take on Me, but that one definitely.”

“Are you kidding me, excellent choice Ellie, that’s a good one right there.”

“Thank you,” she said,  ‘finally someone gets it,’ went unspoken. “Joel jokes and says I need better taste but I just think it’s cause he doesn't want to admit it’s the best song ever.” Ahhh Joel, that’s the name Maria had said. 

Wanting confirmation, you asked, “Joel’s who you came here with right?”

“Yeah, he’s Tommy’s brother.” 

Seth slapped his hand down on the bar a couple times across from you letting you know it was almost time to play again. You gave him a nod of acknowledgement before turning your attention back to Ellie. “Good to know, well I’ve gotta get back up there for a few more songs but you know I’ve got more records than I know what to do with. Some of them could definitely use another listen, if you’re interested of course.” 

If her eyes could get any brighter it would be an impressive sight. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Of course, I mean we’d have to talk to your dad but yeah I’ve got no problem with that.”

“Oh he’s not my dad.” Interesting…but none of my business, you thought. 

“Well regardless he should still know if he’s looking after ya.” Seth’s hand met the wood again, “guess that’s my cue, why don’t you come find me again afterwards, you can talk to Joel and I’ll introduce myself, be less of a stranger.” 

She nodded her head,“awesome, yeah.”

“Awesome,” your tone mimicked hers, “I might be biased but I think you’ll really like the next couple of songs.”

“Can’t wait.” You gave her a small wave as she started to maneuver through the crowd back to her own table. Seth gave you an impatient look and you rolled your eyes back at him before heading back on stage.

Picking up your guitar you slid the strap over your shoulder, and slid the capo down a few frets. It’s been ages since you’ve played this new addition to your set so your fingers skimmed over the strings just to make sure you still had it somewhere in your head. 

Nodding to yourself you looked up at the eager faces. “Hey everyone, I’ve got a few more for you tonight but this next one is a very special request, hope y’all enjoy.” There were a few drunken whoops from the crowd, which you smiled at. Glancing towards the back of the room you saw Ellie giving you an enthusiastic wave, she was flanked by Tommy and Maria to her left and who you now knew as Joel Miller on her right. You gave a quick wink at Ellie before plucking out the intro of her favorite song hoping that she would still appreciate an acoustic version. 

When you looked at her again you couldn’t help the smile that crept into your singing. She was aggressively shaking Joel’s shoulder in excitement and the others at her table were laughing at her antics. As soon as your hands left the guitar you could hear her cheering louder than anybody else and couldn’t remember the last time warmth like this settled in your chest. 

A few more requests and then it was down to your last song now. You always closed out with something from Journey’s Frontiers album, your moms request, one you always faithfully keep. 

Your guitar was carefully placed down beside the piano as you took a seat at the bench. The keys of the piano were smooth beneath your fingertips, your foot a bit restless on the pedals. As it builds it’s almost like you can hear the instruments meant to accompany the songs. This was the only ballad that you never glanced out at the crowd during. Hoping they’ll fade away so you can feel her beside you. Most people never pay close enough attention to notice the stinging tears you hold back, but tonight someone was. 

Joel saw, of course he did, he hadn’t been able to look away, no matter how many times he fought for his gaze to be elsewhere, it just kept drifting back to the stage. He never thought passion, peace or joy of this extent could still be found among people. Never thought something so simple as a song could bring so much happiness to Ellie, or so much sadness for the person singing it.

“Thanks for letting me play again tonight guys, I’ll see y’all at the next music night alright!” You called out to the residents, happily waving goodbye before walking off again. Your guitar was handed off to Seth for safe keeping as he passed you another glass of water. “Was that good enough for you Seth,” you asked after you took a few sips.

“It’ll do for now I suppose,” he replied, trying to hold back another smile.

You finished off your water with a hum while he went away to serve a few other patrons. Another elbow grazed yours on top of the bar. Looking over you saw Ellie leaning next to you in a similar pose to yours. 

“You played my song!” She had the biggest grin on her face and all your worries about her not liking it faded away in an instant. 

“Oh, is it your song now?”

She looked around the bar, “don’t see anybody else claiming it, but dude, you gotta teach me how to play that song! And you play the piano too! Wait, are you like some music genius or something? Do you play like everything?” The girl was going a mile a minute but you were eager to answer any and all questions she might have had. 

“No definitely not, most I can play is guitar, piano and just a lil bit of drums,” you said, holding up your pinched fingers, leaving the tiniest of space to emphasize your point. “But as far as teaching you goes I wouldn’t mind. I’ve had a few of the younger kids say they want to learn but they always end up raiding my vinyl collection instead. It’d be nice to actually have someone who wants to learn.” 

“Cool,” she was practically vibrating with excitement. “I talked to Joel about visiting tomorrow but he said he’d have to meet you first.” Her eyes rolled in annoyance and you smiled at the teenager's plight.

“It's what any good parent does, Ellie don’t think too hard on it,” your mom had been the same way. Though you will say you got told no more often than not since she wasn’t the biggest fan of your friends at the time but oh well. “How about I head over there and we can get awkward introductions out of the way, sound good.”

She was like a bobble head with how quickly she nodded, similar to how she was with Joel earlier she grabbed your hand and started pulling you through the crowd 

There wasn’t a chance for you to introduce yourself before Ellie addressed the only stranger at the table. “Okay Joel you’ve met Star so now I can visit her place tomorrow right?” You shook your head at her version of an introduction and gently pulled your hand out of her grip before holding it out for a friendly handshake. Granted, the man on the receiving end had a very unfriendly tilt to his lips, not off to a great start, you thought.

“Nice to meet you Joel, name’s Star,” he still hasn’t reached out, why hasn’t he reached out?

“So I’ve heard,” god his voice, smokier than a bonfire with rough underused Texan charm. He was handsome, no gorgeous, you didn’t think men as pretty as him even existed anymore. Speaking of pretty he had the prettiest pair of eyes you’ve ever seen, a little sad but there’s a lot to be sad about these days. You were so lost in those sad eyes that you didn’t notice he’d finally taken your hand, even his hands are nice, wait, no, no, we’re not doing that. “Nice to meet you too, and uh, nice, really nice singing up there.” 

You didn’t notice the odd look that Ellie was giving Joel so his behavior didn’t seem that strange to you from this first meeting. In your eyes, this was just a man who’d been on the outside of a safe circle for too long. “Well thank you very much, I’m glad y’all liked it.”

“You did a real good job up there Star, laying on the southern a bit thick with your covers aren’t ya.” Tommy spoke up beside Maria, now with him you saw the odd look he gave Joel but you still couldn’t understand what it was for. 

“Just been listenin’ to you yap and copyin’ Miller,” you said while mimicking his twang. As if anyone could sing Brooks & Dunn without a bit of southern flair. Everyone laughed at your teasing except for the man whose hand was still being held in yours. Trying to not make it seem like you were yanking your hand away you slowly dropped the connection and leaned to rest an arm on Ellie’s shoulder. “Anyway I’ll let y’all get back to your evening, just wanted to stop by and introduce myself, make sure it’s alright for Ellie to come over for a visit tomorrow.” You addressed the last part of your sentence towards Joel, hoping you had made a decent enough first impression. 

The thing is though, he really seemed to be debating on whether or not she could. Ellie must have given him a look when he glanced over to her because he sighed before giving a single nod. “S’fine by me, long as she’s back before dark.” You looked at Ellie who stared up at you, a silent conversation of ‘you think we can do that’, ‘yeah sure.’ The two of you gave a singular nod in return.

“Fine by me, we’re not gonna be doing much, I told her I’d show her a few of my records.”

“About time she learns what good music is.” Ellie let out a low embarrassed ‘dude’ at Joel’s snark. Oh to be a teenager embarrassed by their parents again. 

“I was actually planning on showing her the worst ones in my collection so the jury might be out on that one.” 

“Did you know Joel plays guitar too!” Ellie dropped that little bit of information, hoping it might fluster Joel in retribution. 

“Oh really?” There weren’t a lot of musicians in Jackson so you were always happy to meet someone with the shared interest. 

He quickly shook his head trying to brush away the attention that was now placed on him. One of his hands came up to rub against the back of his neck like he wasn’t sure what to do at the moment. “Nothing like what you were doing up there, it’s been ages, probably wouldn’t even know what to do if I picked one up again. Told Ellie I might be able to teach her but-”

“Oh Star actually said she does lessons.” He had no idea what compelled him to share so much or even talk as much as he did but there came that instant regret again. Well if she wants to learn from her I won’t stop her, probably a better teacher than I could be for anyway, he thought.

You wouldn’t have even noticed the brief flash of disappointment that Joel tried to mask if you hadn’t been stupidly staring at him. Nope, not good, not gonna cause a riff here. 

“Well Ellie realistically I’ve only got one day where I could teach you” not true but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. “But if you’re determined to learn, I would take Joel up on those lessons, you only get better with practice after all.” 

She was bummed by the news and you hoped that Joel didn’t think you were trying to overstep, but some things are just better left for a parent to teach. “Oh…kinda hard to do that without a guitar though.” Oh, is that what she’s upset about? 

You brushed off her problem, “don’t worry about that, I’ve gotcha covered.”

“Really?”

“Really, really…” you noticed that the crowd had started to thin out, which you took as your cue to leave the table as well. “It’s been great talking to y’all but I gotta get back behind the bar and help Seth out. Joel, Ellie, lovely meeting you two, and I’ll see you tomorrow alright?”

“Cool, oh what time should I be over?” 

“Anytime you want hun,” you silently begged that she wouldn’t be there at the ass crack of dawn. With what little you know about this girl you honestly wouldn’t put it past her. You gave a final wave to the group before heading to the bar to actually start working again. 

After you left Tommy turned towards Joel like somebody had body snatched him. “Can’t remember anybody ever saying it was lovely to meet you brother.” 

“Shut the fuck up Tommy,” he grumbled out before draining the contents of his glass. It was the truth though, lovely is not the word people would use when it came to being introduced to Joel Miller. Definitely not in the last twenty years, hell even in the years before if he was being honest. 

“He’s got a point there,” Ellie remarked with a shit eating grin.

“Not you too kid-”

She held up her hands, “hey I’m just glad you managed a decent first impression, thought for sure you were gonna scare away my new best friend.” 

“And you just had to pick someone three times your age to be your friend huh?” He no longer thought it was strange that she was so drawn to her, he understood, she was like a walking reminder of times gone by. Still, if Ellie was determined to have friend in you then what could he do? Hopefully shake off whatever odd, unwanted feelings you brought to the surface in him.

“Friends with you aren’t I?”

Well…she had him there. 

A/N: Hi Everyone!!! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and indulge me in my Joel Miller obsession, it means a lot to me. Just a few quick notes for ya, moving forward there's no set update schedule but I'm hoping to update every two weeks as long as life doesn't get in the way. I also wouldn't say that this is entirely a song-fic as I don't like to include lyrics in my writing beyond a line or two, but I will be including 'Star's set list' at the end of chapters that need them. The reader is named Star, I know a lot of people don't like being surprised when the reader is named, but it works best for the story I'm writing. However, Star will be given little to no defining characteristics outside of the ones that are important for her character. Lastly, this fic is also over on AO3 if you'd rather read it over there. See y'all next time, happy reading! - Lee <3 Chapter Playlist: Nothing Else Matters - Metallica Brand New Man-Brooks and Dunn Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)-Cinderella Take on Me- A-ha Blue Bayou- Linda Rondstatt (Seth’s Request)  Dust in the Wind-Kansas Faithfully-Journey (Star’s Mom’s Request)

[leeannsparks]

How Could I Hurt You?

*SPOILERS FOR DARK URGE PLAY THROUGH*

This one right here is for all the people who wanted a little more angst with their dark urge character. Personally I loved the story for the dark urge but I wish there was more of a reaction from companions at the fact that you died! So here's a little angsty treat for my fellow gamers who've put in over 300 hours into this game.

“I have a gift for you child. You will use it to lacerate this world.” No, the only word that echoed in your mind. You will not accept any gift from your so-called god. There is good in this world and your free mind knows this now. It is evident in the companions you have picked up along this journey. In the love of a pale elf, the kindness of an archdruid and the determination of tieflings. You have felt it in every gentle hug, tender kiss and smile that did not come from the release of death. 

“No, no, for once I’m free! I have seen life, I’ve seen beauty! I have loved, I have been loved…and I am never giving that back!” Fuck your god, fuck destiny, fuck everything that came before. The autonomy of your body was suddenly stripped away as you were raised into the air by invisible claws. Back breaking under the force answered only by cruel laughter.

“Can we kill this little freak!” The vampire spawn was ready to rush forward and imbed his knife into the puppet pulling the strings. You knew that he would be killed if he so much as put a kink in the plans of the cruel god. 

“Karlach…keep him away!”

Your father laughed at the weakness you showed so openly. “What a disappointing spawn you’ve become, my most promising, possessed by pathetic emotions. I remember when the very act of murder reflected in your gaze, oh the terror you inspired, the horror.”

The words Astarion spoke to his former master echoed within your mind, giving you courage, determination. “I am so much more than what you made me.”

“You are nothing without me, child. What I have given freely and what you have rejected most unknowingly I will take back. I will give you back to the rotting earth you hold so dearly, nothing but a dead fool, food for the worms. Even below the ground you will still feel the blood I rain upon this world, the fire that will consume the forests you called home. Your blood is mine and I will see it returned.”

You could feel the very blood he spoke of fall from your eyes like scarlett tears, your breath trapped inside your lungs begging to escape. The taste of copper fills your mouth as it dribbles down your chin. You’ve never felt so cold before, even in the harshest of winters. Bones seemed to snap and then as if clutched in a grasp of fury your heart shattered within your chest a silent scream caught in your throat. It was instant death but somehow still prolonged beyond the mortal plane.

There was no more chanting within the Bhall temple, no foreign word. Yet the scent of blood still lingered, the screams of your name like an echo being absorbed into the walls. 

You watched events unfold outside of your body and wondered if this is what all of your victims experienced after their death. Or if this torture was designed just for you by the lord of murder himself. 

Astarion had rushed over as soon as your body fell to the cold stone below. His hands cradling your body with a fierce protectiveness you had never seen before. His hands searched for a pulse, something, any sign of life you would give him. “Karlach give me a bloody scroll!”

“Astarion it won’t work…” she was right, it won’t. She had seen first hand instant death at the hands of devils, like a thread cut with a pair of scissors. 

“You don’t fucking know that, we have to try! Halsin do something you useless druid! Darling, look at me, please, please. I promised, I promised it wouldn’t have you my love, please…” Oh what you would give to embrace him, comfort him.

Light illuminated the blood that stained your face, warmth from Halsin’s palm, the warmth of nature itself. It would do nothing for you now. “Oak Father, hear me, aid me, protect this child of Silvanus.” The light flickered, a soft breeze tussling the hair surrounding your body. You had never seen such sadness on Halsin’s face, not even when his grove was threatened or when all hope had seemed lost in the darkness of the shadow curse. His hand engulfed the one that rested limply by your body, “forgive me my heart.” He brought the hand to his lips, warmth against deadly cold skin. 

“Your god is as useless as the rest of them! Potions, Karlach in my bag, hurry please…” his words were cut short as the large tiefling cradled the back of your head. Her forehead came to rest against yours, horns knocking against the ones atop your head. Soft lips brushed across the place where lines and creases would form the most.

“Rest easy Soldier…I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“Get away! Fuck you, fuck all of you, we have to help them, there must be something…” as if a candle had been extinguished so did his fight. “No, no…oh darling…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry my love, my light. Forgive me, please come back, I promise I’ll keep you safe please come back, don’t leave me, please.” They would tell stories about you, the hero who sacrificed everything to save Baulders Gate. Would they tell of the love you got to experience before it all ended? Would they speak of the friends you made? The adventures you had? 

Would they speak of the man who emerged from his crypt only to enter a temple and offer a choice?

The hardest choice you would ever have to make. Only it’s not a difficult one is it? After all it’s only one more battle until the rest of your life. Yours now, no one else's. You could close your eyes forever, spare yourself the view, the consequences. 

When the breath was returned to your lungs and the shattered pieces of your heart put back together one by one your body lurched forward with the first sight of your new life. 

Cool lips pressed against yours, fangs almost puncturing skin with the ferocity of a lover who held death in his arms. Words whispered against your mouth, “don’t you ever fucking do that to me again.”

A small, breathless laugh, “how could I leave my little star behind?” How could you leave this behind?

[leeannsparks]

Don’t You Feel Seen?

A/N: Did I have a crush on Ghostface when I first watched Scream as a kid? No. Did I develop one later on in life? Yes. Am I now writing fanfiction about it? Also yes. I didn’t have a specific Ghostface in mind for this story so you can imagine whoever you’d like! This also takes place in the 90′s but the Stab movies never came out so take that as you will. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: You just wanted to close up the shop but the man on the phone has other plans. 

Warnings: Mentions of drugs, murder and lot’s of cursing. Have fun!

Almost everyone asks ‘why me?’

‘Why you?’

He’ll blame it on his fixation, his desire to mimic the slashers he looked up too. It was his obsession, plain and simple. You should be flattered, he thought to himself. You were the only one who’s guts he didn’t want to see on the floor. He still wanted your blood spread across his hands, his chest, his face, he wanted your pretty handprints like artwork on his skin.

“Thanks for calling Smoke Kings, what can I help you with today?” Your voice held a raspiness to it, hours of talking with first time guests who just wanted the cheapest way to get high. The three cigarettes you had throughout your shift didn’t help either, neither did the full bowl you had shared with Mr Denver but whatever gets you through the day. You were exhausted and ready to go home but had the pleasure of closing by yourself tonight. Even though your boss was well aware of the string of murders that had been happening around town lately. Apparently the police aren’t even close to finding the killer, but when have they ever been able to do their job right?

Mr Denver’s head shop was one of the most colorful places on the block. Full of his memories and loves from the 70’s. It was a laid back job and had been your go to store before you started working there. You had been in the process of wiping down the cases when the store's phone rang, cutting through the music of the shop. 

Ring. Ring.

“Hello…” you prompted again, there were deep breaths on the other end so you knew someone was there. Probably someone’s stupid idea of a Halloween prank, you thought.

“Hi.” A voice finally responded, it was deep, almost fake and broken through the static. 

You picked up the rag again, still holding the phone to your ear.“Hi, what can I help you with?”

There was a breathy laugh on the other end, “I’m honestly not sure now.” The voice was pleasant and seemed genuinely confused. 

“I think you might have the wrong number buddy.” You really didn’t want to deal with anyone so close to closing time. It was bad enough that you still had an entire store to clean but needy customers on top of that made you want to pull your hair out.

“I think I just might, sorry about that.” At least he’s apologetic about wasting my time, you thought. 

A fake laugh at the incident followed, hoping to get him off the phone as quickly as possible. “It’s no problem, you have a good one man.” You gently put the phone back on the receiver and started to walk towards the closet that held the mop and broom. Before two steps were even taken the phone went off again.

Ring. Ring.

Please don’t let it be this guy again.“Hello?”

“Dammit, did I call the same number again?” Of course it was the same person, why wouldn’t it be? Not many people even call the store, preferring to just walk in to see what was in stock. You tried to hold back the irritated sigh that wanted to leave your mouth. Regardless if this guy's voice was nice and the night was slow you still had shit to do. 

“Yeah you did, it’s all good though, do you know who you’re trying to call? I might have the number in the phone book here.” Mr Denver kept a book by the register, all of his ‘special’ numbers were kept in his office. You don’t even know why you offered to look up somebody for this person, maybe it was desperation to get back to closing. Or maybe it was just boredom. 

“No I don't, sadly.”

“So…what, are you just calling random people tonight?” You asked while turning off the lights that illuminated the pipe cases. 

“Not anyone random…you.”

Jesus, does this guy not have a life? “Well I’m very flattered but I have to get back to my job alright, have a good night…”

“Wait, what’s your name?” The voice asked before the phone could be lowered away from your ear. 

“None of your business, now I have to help out a customer please don’t call back again.” The phone was slammed back onto the receiver. You were still the only one in the store right now after your lie and the track on the record player echoed in the store. 

Ring. Ring.

“Why don’t you want to talk to me?” He sounded shamelessly hurt, his voice still had a teasing tone but it was more confident now. Maybe he realized that you had no other option but to answer the phone in the store. You were getting frustrated and your voice expressed it clearly. 

“Look man, any other night if I was high enough I would indulge this shit but I’m just trying to get through my shift right now.” Why do people feel the need to bother others who are just trying to work?

“Are you really that busy right now?” His question made it seem like he knew you were lying about having to help out a customer. Knowing that he was just going to keep calling you figured you might as well just indulge him and hope that you can still close up on time. 

“Alright, you have my attention, what do you want to talk about?” You placed the phone between your shoulder and your ear so that you could keep cleaning while talking to the man on the other end. 

“Why are you working in a head shop, you sound like a sweet girl?” His question would be extremely condescending if he didn’t sound so genuine. 

You dragged the broom across the floor, not really caring if some got left behind. You had to open the next morning anyway so it would be easy to clean. “Easy, I’m not a ‘sweet girl’, as you put it. Also the discounts on cigarettes and products makeup for all the other bullshit. Why are you calling random girls in the middle of the night? You sound like a ‘sweet boy’.”

He laughed and you won’t lie that it was probably one the nicest laughs you had heard. “Blame it on my loneliness, is your store getting ready for Halloween?”

You looked at the little ghosts on the window and plastic skulls littered on the counters. “I mean kinda, Mr Denver doesn’t really go overboard with it, mostly just does it to try and get some new faces in the door especially the day of.” There was nothing drunk teens loved more than cigarettes. 

“Do you not like Halloween?” 

The broom hit the dustpan a couple of times as you sweeped the dirt onto it. “Oh no I love Halloween. I mean I’m too old to go trick or treating but I like pumpkins and scary movies as much as the next person.”

“Really…what’s your favorite scary movie?” The question was asked in a more menacing tone, like his intention was to frighten you. Honestly if he was going for creepy, mission accomplished. 

You had to think on that question for a moment, there were just so many. “Well that’s a tough one. Probably a tie between The Lost Boys, even though it’s not that scary and The Evil Dead, even though it’s really campy.” 

“Good choices, so vampires and demons are what get you going? Not a big fan of the slashers huh?” Well no need to ask what some of his favorite movies are. 

The mop and broom were put back in the closet, you didn’t have the energy to fill up the bucket so you would just do it in the morning as well. “Oh don’t get me wrong, Freddy and Micheal hold a special place in my heart but I just can’t watch those all the time.”

“Why not?” It was weird how interested he was about your opinions. 

You started to lock up the cases that held a few of the more expensive glass pieces. If someone really wanted to break in and get them it would still be easy to do. “I mean real life is scary enough as it is so I’d rather have something farther from reality most nights.”

“You don’t like being scared sweetheart?” There was that teasing tone again, you liked the pet name though, even though you didn’t know who it was coming from.

The question made you scoff, it really is true that all the weirdos come out near Halloween. “Does anybody like being scared? I don’t mind as long as it’s from a movie, at least then I know it’s not real.”

“You know you never did tell me your name.” And you were never going to give it to him either, momma warned you about stranger danger after all. 

You looked at the clock seeing that it was eight on the dot which meant you could finally lock up the store. “Yeah I know, why do you wanna know it so badly?”

“Because I wanna know who I’m looking at.” The statement made you pause, knowing what you heard but not sure if you should believe it. 

“What?”

 “I said I wanna know who I'm talking to.” Nope, nope fuck this shit, you thought as you hit the end call button on the phone before quickly flipping the lock on the door and backing away from the glass. You tried to look out into the darkness but it was practically impossible to see anything outside with the lights reflecting back. 

Ring. Ring.

The sound made you jump and you quickly rejected the call but it immediately started again.

Ring. Ring. 

You decided to answer the call this time, if nothing else to tell this asshole to leave you alone. 

“Why did you hang up on me?” The voice was angrier this time, deeper than before.

 “Look dude if this is some stupid Halloween prank, leave me out of it alright I’ve got shit to do.” The frustration and fear made you want to throw the phone away. 

“You’re a good employee, locking up the store like that. Too bad Mr Denver left the backdoor open. You should really find a boss that cares more about your safety.” The icy realization of this not being a prank finally hit you. Your brain went a mile a minute as you looked around the store, specifically towards the back that led to the hallway. There’s nobody there, but there could be, you thought. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I’m too high for this shit, you thought. “Listen you can have whatever you want in the store just leave me alone.”

He laughed at your panic, “aww that’s sweet of you but what if I wanted you bent over that counter with my knife at your throat? You still gonna give that to me…” his question ended with a hiss of your name, causing your skin to prickle. 

“How the fuck do you know my name?” You looked towards the bathroom making your decision but you didn’t want to tip him off about your plan. Slowly you acted like you were walking closer to back, something only an idiot would do. 

“I know a lot of things, like how pretty you look when you get yourself off at night. How you keep a bottle of that shitty perfume in your bag to cover up the cigarettes and weed. What I really want to know is how gorgeous those eyes are gonna be when they’re reflected on my knife.” As soon as he said those words you bolted into the single bathroom, turning on the light and locking the door. You could feel your heartbeat against your chest, pounding in your ears as the blood rushed from your face. “You really have been watching your scary movies, hiding in the bathroom, it just might actually work in your favor.”

You could feel tears sliding down your cheek, onto your neck and chest. “Fuck you!”

“Only if you ask nicely.”

The line was silent as you tried to catch your breath. I don’t wanna die here, your mind chanted over and over again. “What do you want, asshole? Or better yet why me, I haven’t done anything!” You thought that there was no way you could know this guy, you didn’t have many friends to start with. Could it have been a past customer, some stupid idiots from school? Could it be the town killer?

“You don’t have to do anything for me to like you, I just wanted to talk.” The lights overhead flickered, almost in response to his words. 

Part of you wanted to hang up, call the police, but then what would happen? Would you be safe in this bathroom if you did, could he easily break down this door? “Yeah? Cause it sounds like you wanna kill me so just get it over with fucker! I’m not playing this fucking game with you.” The whole ordeal made you want to break down on the floor, it wasn’t fair. 

“What’s wrong, you don’t like my games?”

“Not really no.” Fuck this town, fuck this job, fuck my life. 

“This is what you wanted isn’t it? ‘I just want someone who wants me, wholly, completely, I don’t want to have to guess if they like me. Someone who just goes for it, who makes me feel seen.’ Don’t you feel seen?” You heard him mockingly recite the words from your journal verbatim. He had been in your house, he knew where you livedIf you had known a serial killer would read your journal you never would have even kept one but nobody plans for that shit. 

“Fuck you that’s not what I meant!”

“You should really be more specific with your thoughts then.” The line went dead, he had been the one to hang up this time. You could still hear the music coming from outside but it was punctuated now with footsteps. Then a sound like nails on a chalkboard, a knife on glass. There was a shadow at the bottom of the door and then the voice, right next to your ear, like he knew exactly where you were sitting against the wood. “Open up now…I’ll show you how much I want you.” 

[leeannsparks]

Are You Lonesome Tonight

A/N: So this is a little angsty one-shot that I wrote a while back because I mean come on look at that man! Also this is still a Joel x Reader but it’s in first-person.

Warnings: Brief mentionsof depression and suicide.

“What the fuck were you thinking!?” Joel’s voice echoed around the room, ringing in my ears. I could feel his anger like a punch at the center of my bruised chest. He had every right to be angry with what happened, I could have gotten us all killed, I almost did. Ellie was trying to calm him down, but he wasn’t listening, sometimes he never does. 

She had brought over a half full bottle of water which I took sips of in between Joel’s beratement and resting my head between my knees. Trying to regain the breath that I’d lost earlier. “Come on Joel, lay off her…”

“No, Ellie, you stay out of this!” He said with a finger pointing in her direction. It wasn’t fair to her, she shouldn’t be getting blamed for my mistake. Even though it wasn’t a mistake, not really, I mean we’re all alive aren't we? “I want you to tell me right now just what the fuck were you thinking?!” His focus was back on me again, needless to say he was attractive even when he was yelling at me. 

I took one more sip from the water bottle before closing the lid on it, “I guess I wasn’t thinking.” I figured that would be a reasonable enough answer for him, for now at least. Exhaustion was practically stewing in the room we were in. One of the safe houses along the path we were taking, it was nice considering the less than safe area we were in before. I picked up my bag off the floor and made my way upstairs, taking two at a time, anything to get me away from this conversation. 

Even though I had the desire to slam the door like I was a teenager again I resisted, I’m not that fucking stupid apparantly. Once the door was shut my body seemed to deplete every last bit of energy it had, making me slide along the rotten wood until I was on the ground. Eerily similar to a position I found myself in not even two hours earlier. 

It was meant to be an easy trip, a familiar one, one that Joel and I had taken so many times. Only difference was Ellie tagging along for this one, she insisted, saying she ‘needed to know about it anyway.’ Everyone was skeptical, including Tommy and Maria, ultimately Joel was the deciding factor and what he says goes. 

We never meant for it to get out of hand. We also never expected five clickers to be waiting in the caved-in structure beside the building. Everything just happened so fast, the shelf that we were moving broke apart. Which sent dust flying everywhere, specifically over to me and my weak asthmatic lungs. No one ever tells you how shitty survival in the apocolypse can be when your own body works against you. 

My coughing is what brought them to us. What caused us to be pushed to opposite ends of the room, in struggling silence, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew what I had to do, it was simple, the moment that Ellie’s foot shuffled and the clicker roared over at the noise she made, I knew. 

I called out to them from my corner causing all five of them to turn towards me before I took off towards the staircase. I didn’t get the chance to see Joel or Ellie’s reaction. I could only hear the sound of gunshots following me up the four flights of stairs. On the last flight my foot had slipped causing me to ram into the handrail directly into the center of my chest. I thought that was it for me, my lungs were already working at max capacity, they didn’t have anything left in them. 

The only thing I could hope for was that the door I slammed shut behind me would be enough, it had to be enough. My body struggled to keep the door closed, my feet dug into the ground as best as I could against the clicker who pounded against the metal. It seemed like everything I had left gave up in a single split second. The soles of my shoes slid against tile, the door swung open and the clicker stood in the center of it above me. 

Then it was over, a gunshot rang out and the infected dropped in the doorway. I was heaving on the ground, each breath felt like inhaling shards of glass. My lungs constricted, and my vision was blurring around the edges. I could barely make out what Joel and Ellie were saying, too desperate to get some fucking air back in my body. It only got better when Joel pressed his fingers to the center of my chest and spine, a trick that my doctor back in the day had given me. One which Joel learned when he saw me through the first asthma attack I had around him. 

Now I’m here, desperately wishing that I wasn’t. 

Joel found me an hour later, looking through the window of our safe house. “Come on pack your bag, we're scouting out a location for the next few days before winter sets in.” His tone left no room for arguing, he’s always been gruff even more so now given what happened. I’ve learned to walk beside him and the burdens he carries and I’ll keep doing so until I can’t anymore. Until he doesn’t want me to anymore.

Our supplies were gathered in silence, Ellie handed me another bottle of water which I tried to give back to her. “You need it more than I do right now, I’m good.” She was a good kid, I just wish she didn’t have to go through this shit. Joel said she was going to stay behind, code for I’m about to get my ass chewed out on the ride to the other location.

You could cut the tension inside the car with a knife, usually Joel is eager to sit in silence, not tonight though. “Do you wanna tell me what’s been going on?” That question threw me off, I was expecting him to yell at me some more. I secretly craved it, I wanted to be reminded of my fuck up, give me a reason to feel something, anything. “Can you at least tell me what you were thinking?” Yeah what was I fucking thinking huh?

I didn’t look over at him, the thing about Joel is that behind every rough jagged piece of him are his eyes. His eyes feel like they know everything, every small imperfect part of a person. Like they’re reflecting back every sin you can think of. “I guess I was thinking that we had to get out of there and there was an immediate solution so I took it.” 

He scoffed at my statement, “that’s fucking bullshit, we could have gotten out of there…”

I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to hear about how my almost death could have been avoided. About how stupid it was, how reckless, how selfish. “Look, it happened, it’s done, I won’t try to be the hero anymore now can we move on?” Even at the end of the world you still want to try an be a hero, fucking pathetic.

“No we can’t, cause you almost got yourself killed.”

“I didn’t though, I’m right here, I’m still fucking here.” I don’t want to be, I really don’t want to be here anymore.

There was silence for a few more brief perfect moments, “what were you thinking?”

Fine, he wants to know, fine.“I was thinking…I was thinking that the whole world ended twenty years ago…and now I’m just waiting for it to take effect. But I’m just…I’m just tired of waiting now I guess. Fuck Joel you don’t know how many times I’ve thought about just going out there, alone. Maybe stepping on a patch of cordyceps and just waiting.” The waiting would be the scariest part I think.

“Why haven’t you?” If it were anyone else I would’ve thought they asked the question as a ‘well what are you waiting for’ type of situation. Not Joel though, no he wants to know so he can fix it. He can’t though, he’ll never be able to.  

My shoulders shrugged despite all of the weight I’ve put on them. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just too chicken shit. Maybe I’m still too scared of what comes after. Maybe I should have just put a bullet in my brain when all of this shit started, I don’t know why I didn’t.” I could feel tears start to well up in my eyes and it just made me angrier. Fuck now you’re crying, in front of Joel Miller of all people. 

“Don’t say shit like that.”

It was my turn to scoff at him, “you can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it Joel.” Just about everyone I’ve met has thought about it at some point. Some were just more committed than others I guess. 

“Oh I have,” I know he has, it’s written on his face, in every line, every scar. Joel’s a survivor though, he always has been. If I had to put money on anyone making it to one hundred in this world it would be him. 

“So why haven’t you done it?”

It was his turn to contemplate that question, it’s not such an easy one to answer. “Fuck, I don’t know darlin’, I guess you stick around for family at this point.” The way he says darlin’, like every bad thing in the world magically vanishes when he says it.

I thought about everyone that I’ve lost, every single one of them. It fucking hurts, I keep waiting for the day that it stops. I don’t know what to do with the memories, with the love I had for them. “I don’t have that Joel, I haven’t had that in a long time.” I’ll probably never have it at this point. 

“Look at me…hey look at me,” I shook my head no, part of me knew what he was going to say. 

The soft sounds of the Elvis cassette playing seemed to bring even more sadness to our environment. Like a memory trying to resurface through pain. “Don’t do that to me Joel, please don’t,”

He stopped the car now, turning off the battery which was a stupid thing to do since there was a chance it might not start again. “Do what darlin’?”

I finally looked over at him and I was right, he sees me, and every faulty part. “Make me think that I matter, I don’t, I know don’t, nothing does.” Things lost meaning when the world stopped turning and they haven’t mattered since. 

“You matter to me, you’ve always mattered to me…I don’t want you to not be here. I want you right here, next to me.” I couldn’t help the ridiculous sobbing laughter that left me at his words. They meant more than he could ever know but in the end it’s not enough. Maybe I can be content with the life I still have to live in this world that was desperate to start over. Maybe I can even have brief moments of happiness. Or maybe I could step outside, maybe it might be the only choice I get in the end. 

“You gettin’ sentimental in your old age Joel?”

“Shut up and get over here.” He pulled me closer to him crashing his mouth against mine and we stayed like that until my lungs protested the lack of air. Every kiss we shared felt like the first time as cliche as it sounds. I think it’s just knowing the fact that it could always be the last one that makes me want to hold on tighter. 

This life isn’t worth living, but maybe it’s worth fighting for. For a little bit longer anyway. 

[leeannsparks]

A Touch of Green

A/N: Hello all, I’ve been replaying the Spider-Man games and now have Peter Parker brainrot because he’s just too freaking adorable. Anywho I was inspired by the dead plant in the opening scene and immediately thought, ‘oh this poor boy, he’s trying.’

Also I wrote this with game Peter in mind but you can really imagine any Peter you prefer, hope you enjoy!

The plain truth is that Peter Parker couldn’t keep a plant alive to save his life.

It was a hard pill for him to swallow. For crying out loud the boy could make web bombs but couldn’t figure out how to keep a succulent thriving for more than a week. You couldn’t help but find it endearing, especially when he would text pictures of his poor neglected plants. Always captioned with ‘I don’t know what I did wrong!’ Usually followed with crying emoji, a pouting one if he was feeling super defeated. 

You remembered when he first moved into his apartment, he was so determined to brighten the place up. It’s just a tragedy that so many lives were lost in his endeavor. 

“Oooo Pete look at this one, it’s only two dollars,” you pointed to the Rattlesnake plant that had seen better days. It was a sad sight, brown leaves falling towards dry potted soil. 

“Uhm, yeah that’s a good price but it’s dead baby, don’t you want to get one of the greener ones?” He asked with his chin resting on your shoulder. One of the many things you loved about Peter was how openly affectionate he was. You sometimes wondered who was the more touch-starved out of the two of you. 

After placing a quick kiss on his cheek you leaned down to move away a few of the dying leaves to reveal healthy stems and the beginnings of new growth. “Well it’s not fully dead yet, it just needs some love and new soil. I think I could easily save this patient, Mr Parker.” Teasing each other came as naturally as breathing most days. 

“There’s not a doubt in my mind about that Doctor,” he said while picking up the pot to place it in your shared cart. You both still lived in separate apartments despite being together for almost two years now. It wasn’t like you hadn't discussed it before but the fear of change and the idea of sharing space caused the topic to be pushed to the back burner. You did ease his worries when you told him that there’s no one else you’d rather live with, it would just take some time, maybe once your lease was up for renewal this year you could both come back to it. “Ya know maybe I should pick up one too…”

His fingers were playfully slapped away from the potential victim. “No, no absolutely not, you are not killing another plant on my watch Pete.” 

“Awww now that’s just not fair babe, I swear I didn’t even miss a watering day on my last one!” You couldn’t help but laugh at the affronted look on his face. He’s just so naturally charming it hurts.

You pushed the cart over to where the bags of soil were placed before attempting to pick up the indoor plant mix. The action was immediately halted by Peter nudging you aside so that he could grab it instead, ever the gentleman, you thought wistfully. “Yeah and then you ended up overwatering it love. You drowned that poor plant!” 

“I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to water it every day…”

“It was on the care card Pete, did you even read it?” You knew damn well that he didn’t but boy was it fun to mess with him.

His hand came up to scratch the back of his neck, “I…may or may not have lost the card on the way up to the apartment that day.”

You patted his cheek lovingly, slight stubble underneath your fingertips. “What am I gonna do with you?”

“Love me, kiss me, smother me with affection. It’s honestly the only way I wanna go at this point.” You loved his smile, it was so boyish and warm and it just made everything seem right in the world.

“Oh I’ll smother you with something…”

“Oooo you promise?” His hand discreetly traced your ass, which if you could feel it was it really that discreet? He had always surprised you with how flirty he could be, you assumed that he was just full of blushing anxiety when you first met him.

“Head out of the gutter pretty boy, we still gotta do some grocery shopping for dinner.”

His long eyelashes batted themselves at you, “awww you think I’m pretty?”

You smiled at his ridiculousness, “yes, very pretty, now I’ve got chicken thawing in the fridge so what do you think? Should I do chicken fried rice, alfredo, or some chicken soup since it’s kinda chilly?” 

“Hmmm, decisions, decisions…” you could see him suddenly freeze, his spidey sense pumping the brakes on your outing. His phone dinged in his pocket and sirens could be heard in the distance. He gave you an extremely apologetic look, puppy dog eyes and everything. You would have hoped by now that he knew you understood. New York needed their Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, even though they didn’t always deserve him. “I’m sorry baby…”

“It’s okay hero, but you still gotta choose which one I make cause I really don’t wanna decide.”

“Uhm, alfredo! I love you so much, I’ll call you later!” He smushed your cheeks together before placing a quick kiss on the fishlips he had created. He was such a goober, but you loved him for it. 

“I love you too.” Your eyes never left him as he weaved between the aisles before barreling out the door. Apologizing to multiple angry New Yorkers he bumped into along the way. You couldn’t help but laugh, thinking to yourself, there goes my boy, off to save the world.

Once you picked up some noodles, broccoli, mushrooms and ingredients to make the sauce you started to make the trek home. Paper bag in one arm and your new plant baby cradled in the other. 

The train was a little late, but what else was new honestly? Once you were seated you heard a notification ding on your phone automatically knowing that it was about Peter’s latest heroics. You told him a while ago that you had notifications set on your phone for all things Spider-Man. You just wanted to know that he was okay, and you were also amused by the ridiculous articles on Spider-Man’s love life. Apparently there was a robbery happening somewhere but there weren’t enough details released yet, you figured Pete would tell you about it later when he came by. Finally arriving at your apartment you leaned against the elevator wall, drained from the day but excited to work on the home tasks you had been mentally compiling throughout the afternoon. 

Your new plant was situated in front of the window. It was much shorter and greener then when it arrived due to cutting away all the dead leaves but now it was nestled in fresh soil and ready for another chance. You couldn’t help the smile that rested on your lips as you looked at all the green surrounding the window. Jeez I really have a problem don’t I, you thought to yourself. Currently the biggest plant in your apartment was your grandma’s pothos she gave you when you moved. Under her care it had thrived and you were heartbroken when it reacted badly on the trip to New York. Luckily she was a resilient one, and you think she could win first prize if she felt so inclined. 

As you gently traced the leaves your mind wandered to Peter which happened multiple times a day. It was like a light bulb went off in your head as you scrambled to reach the top of your fridge that housed multiple empty glass bottles. You knew exactly which one you were looking for and let out a pleased sigh when your fingers grabbed the neck of the bottle. After snipping off a stem from the pothos you gently placed it inside the glass that was now filled with water. The leaves rested over the lip and you couldn’t wait to give the small gift to Peter. I swear if he manages to kill this I’m going to have to take that boy to a botany class or something. 

You were letting the sauce simmer on the stove when Pete called you, his caller ID was a photo of him in his Spidey suit holding an armful of puppies that were up for adoption. He had swung by an event the agency had set up in central park and decided to stay to help all of the babies get adopted. He messaged you insisting that you had to come by and see all of the adorable dogs. Most of whom were adopted by the time you got there. You remembered having to play pretend and ask Spider-Man if you could take a picture of him with the puppies. 

“Yeah of course Ma’am!” He had said in his fake deep voice that he put on for show whenever he got nervous. 

“Hey baby everything okay,” you asked once the call was connected.

“Yup all good, just another bank robbery but it’s all cleaned up and I’m heading your way now.” You could hear the exertion in his voice, the tell-tale sign of him swinging through the city. 

The sauce spoon was tapped against the pan to get all of the excess off of it. “Let me guess it was the hamburglar again?”

“Yeah, the guy just doesn’t know when to quit.” The sounds of the city played in the background, cars honking and people calling out as Peter swung above them.

“Well it’s a good thing Spider-Man was there to save the day. I’m gonna start boiling the pasta so I’ll see you in a bit, we don’t need you hitting another building cause you were swinging on the phone.” You would never forget the day that he slammed into a fire escape because he was too excited to tell you about his promotion to pay attention.

“How dare you, I'm a safe swinger…wait no, that came out wrong.” You could practically hear the blush in his tone and it made you giggle.

“You better be safe while you’re swinging!” The declaration was said between laughter at his words. 

“Always am, love you bug!”

“Love you too baby.” You blew a quick kiss into the phone, waiting for his responding smooch before hanging up. 

He ended up climbing through your window about ten minutes later beating all of the rush traffic. As soon as his feet hit the floor he ripped off his mask and set it on the chair that was designated for his quick changes. “It smells amazing in here!” 

“It tastes even better!” You called over your shoulder as you scooped the noodles out of their pot to mix into the sauce. His chest was pressed against your back as he placed a total of three tiny kisses to your forehead. You turned your head so that you could meet his lips in a soft kiss, you were always so thankful when he came back unscathed, most nights weren’t like this.

“Mmmm, not as good as you though.” Ever the flatterer this guy.

You placed another quick peck on his lips, “that’s very true…oh I have a little something for you!”

“For me? You shouldn’t have!” He exclaimed with ten times the energy you would expect from someone who just stopped a bank robbery.

“It’s nothing too crazy but here…tada!” You showcased the little plant chilling in its water bath and you could see the confusion clear as day on Peter’s face.

He held up the bottle, inspecting the leaves like they were his greatest mystery. “I thought I wasn’t allowed to have plants anymore?”

“No, you're not allowed to kill any more plants, which should be incredibly hard to do with this one.”

“Oh I’m sure I’ll somehow find a way.” He seemed nervous, like he was actually afraid that he was gonna fuck this one up. 

You made a grand gesture towards the small plant. “No cause see, this, this right here, is your son Peter. You love him, you nurture him and best of all you leave him alone! He’s basically just propagating right now so he just stays in the water and he’ll keep growing. I will of course check on him everytime I come over to your place.”

He teasingly fanned himself like he was overcome by the news. “I really wasn’t expecting to become a dad today, this is just all so sudden…wait is this from your big guy in the corner?”

“Yes and kind of selfishly I hope that you think of me each time you look at it.”

“I’m already thinking of you all the time so no worries there. Hey, is this a bottle from Julia’s place down the street?” It was also the place where you guys had your first date and had since become your favorite shared restaurant.  

“What a keen eye you have there Mr Parker.”

His eyes seemed to gloss over with affection, adoration, admiration, and all of the a words that described love and happiness. “I love you.”

You gave that look right back to him tenfold. “I love you too, and because I love you I’m going to politely say that you stink and that you need a shower before dinner.”

“Yeah you can just feel the love in the room.”

[leeannsparks]

Id quit my job and ruin my life to be with you,, then thank you for wanting me

[leeannsparks]

he confesses how long he’s looked for a place to worship,

and oh,

i put him on his knees

[leeannsparks]

Our home was well hidden, safe in the fairytale we’ve created since it’s better than being a part of the failing story out there.

LeeAnn Sparks

Seeing Stars Through Glass

[leeannsparks]

When I’m with you I feel like I’m…here, like I’m not just taking up space, but I’m here and alive and warm. I feel like I’m finally connected to something and I’m content and so, so fucking happy.

LeeAnn Sparks

Seeing Stars Through Glass

[leeannsparks]

[leeannsparks]

My first ever original novel guys!!!! 

Seeing Stars Through Glass follows the story of India who has had a bad turn of luck and is given an opportunity to be a part of a focus group on board the latest starship. Unfortunately the universe has other plans and leaves her stranded in the Mirarian Nebula for 500 years. Waking up leaves her to traverse a world she knows nothing about until she meets Ramin.

I don’t want to give to much away but the book is available for pre-order now on Amazon and will be available for Kindle Unlimited on 02/28/23!

[leeannsparks]

I’ve never told anyone before how desperately I wanted to be loved, well and truly loved. How I’ve wanted someone to look at me like he is right now, with such adoration, such reverence. Even right now he’s holding my hand tightly and placing small, gentle kisses all along the palm as if I’m the most precious thing in the world. I just wanted to be wanted by someone in my life that understands.

LeeAnn Sparks

Seeing Stars Through Glass

[leeannsparks]

AHHHHH, IT’S TOO PERFECT!!!!!!

Jane Eyre (2011) // Crimson Peak (2015)