lemonadebloodsworld - Tumblr blog

lemonadebloodsworld · 3 years

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!! TW: VENT, SH, S*ICIDAL THOUGHTS!!

I'm so tired, I really love my partner more than anything else in the world but I keep messing up. Not even like big mistakes, just a lot of small ones but it never stops, I feel like whatever I do I always hurt them in the smallest ways or upset them. Yesterday they had school but yk he's my favorite person and it's been 3 weeks they started school and with the really different Timezones (I live in Belgium and they live in Texas) well it means that they wake up at 3-4 pm here and then they hang up our call even though they said they would stay on call with me during the day so I wouldn't feel too bad but they actually rarely do it, then they only answer my texts when class are about to start at 5.30 pm and yeah they reply every few hours until 4 am here a lot of the time. And I understand, they have school and they can't always be available but I just wanted to point out that with my bdp it has been so fucking hard to go from calling everyday, all day long at not even being able to text and having to stay awake all night because I can't sleep without them (which is not their fault again). But yeah so yesterday it starts again but this time after they hang up our call in the morning they told me that they will go to school sooner so we could have a lot of time to call and talk etc so I wait and they do call when they arrive at school and I was already crying because I'm clingy and didn't want them to go again but then after like 10 minutes of talking someone comes and they mute for like 30 minutes without even saying goodbye or "I love you" or anything, then they sent me a text saying they're starting class now and can't talk anymore and I know its stupid but it litteraly broke my heart, I spent the entire day trying to know why they did that, maybe I'm too clingy and annoying? Maybe it's because I was crying? Maybe they just don't really care anymore and love me less? I don't know but why would they tell me that we could talk for a long time and then just disappear like that after 10 minutes? What did I do wrong?

Anyways, I learned how to hide it from them when I'm hurt because I feel like I'm hurt for nothing and that it makes me really toxic and manipulative so I just took some space and time to concentrate and then just told them "I feel a little bad, I'm sorry" while I was crying my eyes out and screaming because my heart physically ached. But yeah before all that they said they would call me right when they finish school and so I was waiting and was still really excited that we could have some time together and so at 4 AM they Called once but I was in my bathroom and so I missed the call and like the stupid mess that I am I started to try to call them back but since they wouldn't reply i called them a lot of times because I was too excited and thought they fell asleep or didn't put the sound on but when I stopped, after 20 minutes they sent me texts saying that they were about to answer the call but I called too many times and it made them feel bad and dissociate. I've never felt so fucking stupid and toxic. And yk I don't want to make myself a victim but I was waiting for this call all fucking day and I messed up and they didn't call me at all. It's not the first time this happens. I hate myself so damn much, I just want to dissappear.

And like if it wasn't enough i fell asleep after their texts saying I made them feel bad and that I apologized for being stupid and yk I thought they would call me and wake me up so we could be together but I think i made them too upset and that I was just too much so when I woke up I saw that they didn't try to call me or even text me and once again I started to cry and I called them because it was too much, and they fell asleep while I was crying because they were exhausted. And later in the morning I dropped my phone while sleeping and it hurt their ears really bad because of their sensory issues and once again it happens a lot, I really try to be careful but I always end up making a noise that makes them feel bad. And I understand them, I have sensory issues myself and my ears hurt all the time when we call because their phone makes a loud noise etc but I never told them cause it's gonna make them feel like they're doing something bad while they can't do anything about it and it will upset them and they would mute and never come back.

So yeah, lately I've been feeling really bad and almost relapsed in sh again but then I stop myself and I don't tell them because it would make them upset and worry and when they worry they're cold and don't talk to me and i just really don't want that. I already mess up enough. And I think they getting tired of me, in the begging of us and until some time ago they were always hyping me up or writing me long texts to expose their love to me, they sent me a lot of wholesome memes and they seemed really excited to call me too but now it's just not like that anymore, they barely answer when I send them wholesome memes. I don't know maybe I'm too clingy? Maybe I should give them some space and stop sending memes and long texts a lot? Maybe they're just bored of me now. I understand once again, I'm too much of everything. Too much to care about, too much to worry about, I give too much love and he's maybe suffocating, I complain too much, I ask for too much reassurance too. Maybe they just lost feelings. And that hurts so bad to think about it, I just can't live without them but I also don't want them to be stuck with me if they don't love me that much anymore.

I often try to reassure and tell myself that they maybe just feel bad these times and it's maybe getting hard for them to show their feelings or act like they did before and I would be so fucking selfish if it was the case. They never tell me when they're doing bad, they always just say "tired." or that they're doing okay and just worry about me and on the moment I trust them but then I feel stupid because I know its not true, they would always say that and then vent in their vent account or private story from which he removes me when he says something about his mood or problems (I saw it because he made a mistake once, they vented earlier in the day and then later I messed up and they made a story that was for me to see so I could know I messed up and made them have a panic attack and when I looked at their story again I could see the earlier vent too). I don't understand why they're doing that but at the same time I once had an episode because of what they said while venting to me cause I took it personally like the dumbass I am (they said they had suicidal thoughts and needed me with them rn and when I said that everything would be okay and that I was going to be there with them soon they said that it was too much time because I was supposed to go this year but I had to stop school because of my mental health and now I have to start again). So I suppose that it makes it hard to vent to me or be honest about their feelings.

I'm just useless and I feel like they would be so damn much better without me, i keep messing up and I just can't seem to stop. The whole relationship is almost just that, me hurting them with my shit and then they feel guilty for feeling bad about it and it just makes it worse. But then I just can't live without them. That's selfish but I would not be able to leave them and keep on living, I never told them of course, but yeah.

I hate it there.

#ventcore #vent text #ed vent #traumacore #trauma #love quotes #notes #tw self destructive behavior #tw depressing stuff #tw self destruction #tw ed mention

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lemonadebloodsworld · 4 years

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Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

#ed vent #vent text #tw depressing stuff #tw eating stuff #trauma #ventcore #traumacore #long ass rant #tw self destruction #self harrrm #tw self destructive behavior

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