leoamawrites - Tumblr blog

[leoamawrites]

“I want to be a flower on a mountain pulling in the sun and the pain and the frustration and creating a meadow. And I want to be that meadow on a windy day, breathing and flowing in love."

12/30/23

I've been spending winter break at my dad's house, which is sitting on a lake in a little town upstate from where I usually live. When I was little, I always wanted a big backyard like the one he has here where I could get lost in my daydreams, do cartwheels, and have a dog in. Then, my dad got this house and I finally had all those possibilities at my disposal, yet I couldn't find anything to daydream about. I didn't even really like the idea of having a dog anymore. I mean, I couldn't even do a cartwheel without hurting my wrists! It's not my fault, I just grew up.

It's been a while since I've been up here and today, we went to a nearby farm to get a pig because my dad wanted to roast a pig for New Years (it was his idea not mine). When I got out of my car, the farm dogs immediately ran up to me, and I just felt how much I had become like my kid self again. I just wanted to keep petting them and wasn't even thinking about how dirty they might be (or about the dead pig to my left). The landlord showed me a pen of puppies afterwards and I really just wanted to adopt one. I was thinking that I wouldn't mind this life of being a farmer.

When we came back home, I spent an hour in the backyard just lying on the edge of the lake watching the lake's surface flow, the clouds move above and past me, and the winter wind give me chills. I felt the weight of nature's beauty like a cat purring on my chest. Then I got up and climbed trees and *tried* to do cartwheels. It hurt but I was whole.

Ever since I started meditating, being mindful, and consuming spiritual creators, I've started enjoying life in this way. I don't care how corny it may sound. A few months ago, I couldn't be in that backyard without feeling consumed by my intrusive thoughts. I needed to be constantly distracted because if I wasn't I would always be trying to predict what would happen next. Spirituality quite literally saved me from insanity.

Sooo... what does this have to do with that little paragraph in the beginning? Taking advantage of the present moment has given me a lot including the ability to enjoy things as simple as car rides down rural roads, where driving past meadows and farms fills me up with the peace I've been looking for for years. But it's also given me the chance to really feel emotions unconditionally.  That means feeling the uncomfortable frustration when the moment isn't what you want it to be.

For years I've dealt with the intense desire to write but simultaneous writer's block. However, I managed to write that little paragraph above by just utilizing those frustrations in order to create something.

The present moment is the only moment that exists. Im learning to choose to make the most of it even if it's not peaceful or perfect.

So, in conclusion, if there's anything you want to do and you could be doing it right now, go do it. Do it the best that you can because that's all you can do.

Happy new years everybody!

+ Some pics of my time at my dad’s :)