leonwrites

[leonwrites]

My Appearance

I have a complicated relationship with my appearance. I think I can confidently say everyone does. We all want to look like someone else and that someone else wants to look like a different someone else.

But I have a complicated relationship in that I like my appearance. At least, what I look at in the mirror. I don't think it's perfect, I just think that it's good enough. If I could, I'd tweak a few things, but it's not like I want a whole different look. I just wish my face wasn't so familiar, I guess. It's like I don't like it because it's mine. It's not the best it can be because it's mine and it's me.

And I look at pictures of me from a different angle and I think "is that really what people see me as?" I get disgusted because I realize I'm not a 2D character that only has good angles. That appears in snipits of good images of itself. I have bad angles and that's what makes me 3D. And being 3D means not being perfect, I suppose.

Some would say I was made perfect, but it's just not true because if I was perfect, I wouldn't want a slightly rounder face. At least round enough that it's not square-like. I wouldn't want a smaller nose, less acne, brighter eyes.

But isn't it just fine that I wasn't made to be perfect? Isn't it good enough that I look like me? So why doesn't it feel like that? Why is 'looking like me' such a bad thing?

But realizing that that's why I don't like how I look is what's helped me embrace what I don't like about myself. Knowing that I don't actually care that my face is somewhat square or rectangular. It's other people who have instilled this idea in me that I have to look a certain way or I won't be loved.

So I stopped caring.

But it's moments when I catch a glimpse of a weird angle of myself that I'm reminded of all of this. All this turmoil over my appearance.

[leonwrites]

Do you personally think it's worth it to write on Tumblr? I ask because I am curious about starting a blog for my writing but I wonder if it would go anywhere.

Honestly, I just started writing on tumblr. So I'm not sure. But, definitely look at writings with tags you're planning on using and see what kind of audience they've gotten. Just so you know if there's an audience interested in what you're planning on writing. Of course, I personally just want to get my writing out there so I haven't done that.

[leonwrites]

Give me the thrill

Inspiration might come at will

I hear the ideas- insanely shrill

But I wish that it would instead

Creep down the hall- excited to be fed

Oh please just give me a horror film

Show and give me all the thrill

Of being hunted down by an eyeful

Of being spotted by a rifle

Let me be shot with an amazing idea

With the words spilling out of my brain

Let them drip down like the red in a horror

A loss is a loss- no use being mellow

When my brain is packed with the ideas of the many

There's been many before but I feel like twenty

They pour out of my head and into my fingers

The ideas spill and run to the paper

I hope and pray that they make out words

But I can't help it if my ideas make pictures

The sunset

The sky

And the way that it plummets

The stars and the universe

And the way that it crumples

If there's love in a dark place

give me the thrill of holding onto the last bit of it in hell

Don't leave me with silence- come on

Just spit out a verse and make my vision worse

Tell me that I'll away from all the stars

Tell me that I'll never love more than Jupiter and Mars

Taking care to never hit Earth and loving me from afar

So just give me the thrill of a wonderful idea

[leonwrites]

Boy Kisser

Jacob is my best friend. He has freckles, blonde curly hair, and he's very tall.

I wish I was more like Jacob.

Jacob is tall and I'm only kind of tall. I try to reach the tall things and I can sometimes, but he can all the time. Everyone goes to him because he's taller. He can absolutely reach whatever they need him to. But I only can sometimes.

His hair shines like the sun and mine like the moon. An echo of light- the sun and moon in a dance of good and evil. The sun fights the darkness the moon suffers from. Are they enemies or friends?

Jacob and I are friends

We play basketball and drink Monsters. I'm not very good at it, but he doesn't mind. He likes winning and I don't mind losing. But since I'm short, I can't dunk the ball like him.

He tells me I just need to learn how to jump higher. I don't believe him.

That's why I wish I was taller.

And I wish I had blonde shiny hair. That way, people would talk to me more. They talk to Jacob all the time. No one talks to me.

I wish I had more freckles like Jacob does. Jacob has so many freckles, which only makes him more likeable. I wish I was cute like Jacob.

Jacob wrote me a poem.

All my days, I write about you

Just the way I like it to be

All my thoughts about you tucked away like a

Xylophone tucks away it's notes until it's played

There was a little note tucked away in the bottom right corner of the page "P.S. I like you"

But I didn't know what to say. And neither did Jacob. He kind of just stood there as he handed it to me. Frozen in time like someone superpowers on him. Ice cold; rigid. Nothing could move him and it moved me to write a poem myself.

So what do I say?

Peeling back the thoughts

Every single thought

Even the bad ones and I realize I

Care deeply for you as you

Have cared for me

Less I break in two

Endlessly sure I would

Suffer without your love and

Surely die alone if not for you

Useless. My writing skills: useless. My brain right now? Useless. I threw it away and decided I'd just forget about the whole thing. It wasn't worth stressing over anyways.

But then I found it sitting on my desk one morning with a sticky note.

"Please give your poem to me - Jacob

unless it's for someone else"

But I still wish I was taller, had freckles, pretty hair and that I was better at basketball.

Taller so I don't have to get a foot stool to kiss him

Freckles that he can spend his days tracing

Hair he can comb through without straightening out my curls

And to be a better player so my boyfriend has a better opponent.

But he likes me (and winning) better, so I don't think he minds.

Sincerely, Ajax

The boy who kisses boys

(but mostly Jacob)

This is a story written with a pen.

Stories written with pens are written more deliberately and thus more sincerely. So I decided to write this story with a pen and then post it on tumblr.